[ her fingers twitch with the urge to chase after his hand, but she finds the will to move too late, meeting nothing but the cold, empty space he's left behind. it haunts her, like a premonition of what shape her future will take — looking for him in everything, wandering into her studio expecting to watch the sunlight stream across his skin, only to be confronted with a vacant, silent room. like he's taken all of the warmth in the world with him.
protectively, she draws her hand back to her chest, small fingers clutching at the lapels of his jacket. it's pathetic, she thinks — but the fabric still radiates with his body heat, the crisp cleanness of cologne, and beggars like alina starkov have to find their comfort where they can. ]
You called me a martyr. [ and he had been right. she hasn't forgotten the barbs that accusation had grown, pricking unpleasantly each time she remembers his message flashing across her phone's screen. repeating it feels like directing his eyes toward the wound it's left on her, all of the hurt that's spilled over from where she had been trying to contain it, but it's too late to snatch it from the air and return it to her mouth. ] I need you to see it. I need you to understand why I can't just walk away.
[ selfish as she knows it is to ask him to share the burden now, to let her lean on him for only a night. a night where she can pretend she isn't alone. a night where she can pretend that she isn't as much to blame for that loneliness as aleksander. it's too little and too late to mend what she's broken, but — for a handful of hours, she can shut away the truth and pretend.
pulling her knees up to her chest, she offers a quick nod as the tip of his cigar hovers over the flimsy, laminated edges of the photograph. ]
Your happiness is worth more than I am. [ stated like an indisputable fact, unwavering in her conviction. one girl's freedom isn't much of a sacrifice, in the grand scheme, if it pays for nikolai's happiness. for genya's, for mal's. they deserve the uncomplicated, peaceful life aleksander continues to deny her, the life she now knows she'll never have. she props her cheek on her raised knees, turning away from him. ] I've been a burden on Mal for as long as I can remember. That sick girl that needed someone else to take care of her. I don't want to do the same thing to you. I don't want to hold you back.
[ i don't want to ruin you. i don't want you to wake up one day and realize i wasn't worth it. ash taps off the end of her cigar as she raises it to her mouth, eyes drifting over the harbor's twinkling lights and rocking boats. ]
Tell me what else I'm supposed to do, Nik. [ smoke curls around her whisper, a lost plea that carries itself to him. ] No matter what I do, I still lose.
no subject
protectively, she draws her hand back to her chest, small fingers clutching at the lapels of his jacket. it's pathetic, she thinks — but the fabric still radiates with his body heat, the crisp cleanness of cologne, and beggars like alina starkov have to find their comfort where they can. ]
You called me a martyr. [ and he had been right. she hasn't forgotten the barbs that accusation had grown, pricking unpleasantly each time she remembers his message flashing across her phone's screen. repeating it feels like directing his eyes toward the wound it's left on her, all of the hurt that's spilled over from where she had been trying to contain it, but it's too late to snatch it from the air and return it to her mouth. ] I need you to see it. I need you to understand why I can't just walk away.
[ selfish as she knows it is to ask him to share the burden now, to let her lean on him for only a night. a night where she can pretend she isn't alone. a night where she can pretend that she isn't as much to blame for that loneliness as aleksander. it's too little and too late to mend what she's broken, but — for a handful of hours, she can shut away the truth and pretend.
pulling her knees up to her chest, she offers a quick nod as the tip of his cigar hovers over the flimsy, laminated edges of the photograph. ]
Your happiness is worth more than I am. [ stated like an indisputable fact, unwavering in her conviction. one girl's freedom isn't much of a sacrifice, in the grand scheme, if it pays for nikolai's happiness. for genya's, for mal's. they deserve the uncomplicated, peaceful life aleksander continues to deny her, the life she now knows she'll never have. she props her cheek on her raised knees, turning away from him. ] I've been a burden on Mal for as long as I can remember. That sick girl that needed someone else to take care of her. I don't want to do the same thing to you. I don't want to hold you back.
[ i don't want to ruin you. i don't want you to wake up one day and realize i wasn't worth it. ash taps off the end of her cigar as she raises it to her mouth, eyes drifting over the harbor's twinkling lights and rocking boats. ]
Tell me what else I'm supposed to do, Nik. [ smoke curls around her whisper, a lost plea that carries itself to him. ] No matter what I do, I still lose.