Do you want to know a secret? [ there are pages upon pages of secrets resting between them, but snippets of her life and wordy documents haven't given aleksander access to those ugly truths she's never given a voice, as though bringing them into the world would illuminate all of her grotesque, broken parts. now, there's no need for hiding them away in the dark when nikolai has dragged them into the light himself. (why bother hiding them at all, she thinks, when he'll never look at her the same way again? whatever pedestal he'd undeservingly placed her on, it's toppled over and crumbled.) ] Sometimes I wish he would leave.
[ not because she doesn't love him, but because she does — more than herself, more than her own selfish need to drag him down into the shadows with her in a childish attempt to keep her fear at bay. like they're children again, and she's sneaking into his sheets to ward off their mutual fear of dark corners. one day, she'll gather the strength to exist without him — even if he loathes her for it.
she can stand his hatred, so long as it becomes the shield that protects him from aleksander's next strike. part of her nearly believes she could endure the viciousness of nikolai's, too — but that conviction bleeds out of her as she meets the blade of his grin, twisting the knife that much further in her chest. she reels back with all the force of a slap, knocking unshed tears loose. ]
I'm right here. [ her brows knit. despite the stubborn insistence of it, she wonders if she isn't unreachable — if it isn't enough to have her, when aleksander still owns her, a prized pet kept on his leash. never straying too far, no matter what direction her heart points her. ] I've been here all along. You would see that if you looked.
[ it stings her to know he isn't the only guilty party in that. if i had bothered to show you, she doesn't say, biting into her cheek to stop her regrets from overflowing from her. regrets have never changed anything. remaining in aleksander's hold, no matter every effort she's made to build her own life, is proof of that — running in place, always. her head shakes, leaving the folder in his possession as she moves to stand.
this hardly feels like it's going anywhere, either. nowhere that isn't leading them into the same spiral of heartbreak. ]
Go ahead and destroy Aleksander, if that's what you want. You never needed my permission before. [ the tip of her chin is still miraculously defiant, the last ounce of courage she has in the face of her grief. ] But here's another secret for you, Nik. Your schemes wouldn't bother me if I knew you would still be the same man at the end. They should — I should hate them, but what I hate more than anything is knowing that you love winning more than you love me. If I didn't feel like I was always being left behind —
[ there would still be another chasm resting between them, and she won't torture herself with ifs. what if she had been enough, what if aleksander hadn't stood between them, what if they had met at any other point in time. her eyes flicker down to the top of his head, the papers scattered in his lap, her chest heaving with a breath. ]
Forget it. I've been trying to tell you, and you never hear me.
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[ not because she doesn't love him, but because she does — more than herself, more than her own selfish need to drag him down into the shadows with her in a childish attempt to keep her fear at bay. like they're children again, and she's sneaking into his sheets to ward off their mutual fear of dark corners. one day, she'll gather the strength to exist without him — even if he loathes her for it.
she can stand his hatred, so long as it becomes the shield that protects him from aleksander's next strike. part of her nearly believes she could endure the viciousness of nikolai's, too — but that conviction bleeds out of her as she meets the blade of his grin, twisting the knife that much further in her chest. she reels back with all the force of a slap, knocking unshed tears loose. ]
I'm right here. [ her brows knit. despite the stubborn insistence of it, she wonders if she isn't unreachable — if it isn't enough to have her, when aleksander still owns her, a prized pet kept on his leash. never straying too far, no matter what direction her heart points her. ] I've been here all along. You would see that if you looked.
[ it stings her to know he isn't the only guilty party in that. if i had bothered to show you, she doesn't say, biting into her cheek to stop her regrets from overflowing from her. regrets have never changed anything. remaining in aleksander's hold, no matter every effort she's made to build her own life, is proof of that — running in place, always. her head shakes, leaving the folder in his possession as she moves to stand.
this hardly feels like it's going anywhere, either. nowhere that isn't leading them into the same spiral of heartbreak. ]
Go ahead and destroy Aleksander, if that's what you want. You never needed my permission before. [ the tip of her chin is still miraculously defiant, the last ounce of courage she has in the face of her grief. ] But here's another secret for you, Nik. Your schemes wouldn't bother me if I knew you would still be the same man at the end. They should — I should hate them, but what I hate more than anything is knowing that you love winning more than you love me. If I didn't feel like I was always being left behind —
[ there would still be another chasm resting between them, and she won't torture herself with ifs. what if she had been enough, what if aleksander hadn't stood between them, what if they had met at any other point in time. her eyes flicker down to the top of his head, the papers scattered in his lap, her chest heaving with a breath. ]
Forget it. I've been trying to tell you, and you never hear me.