[ hurt bleeds out of her, a wound of his own making, and his first instinct is to staunch it with the well of emotion he's struggling to keep at bay. will it change anything if he tells her again that he loves her, the one trap he never planned to fall in after the disaster he created of dominik, or will he be met with the same question that he has no answer to and no defense against? he can't ask her to settle for what he's given her when he knows how much she deserves and how far he will always be from reaching it. he won't beg, even when every part of him wants to. ]
So am I, Alina. I'm right here. [ he puts the cigar down to take up his lighter, setting fire to the rest of the files, the blaze hotter and brighter as the breeze blows back heat into his face. ] You've looked. You've seen. This is how it feels to be loved by me. Like a half measure. Like it's divided. Like there's always something else I want more than you. Dominik used to say the same thing, you know. I loved him. God, I loved him — and you. But it doesn't matter. I will always make you feel like you're being left behind.
[ leaning forward, he lets the pages tumble bit by bit into the sea, ashes breaking off and tiny embers flitting into the air. he doesn't have the strength to turn back and look at her. ]
Just let me do what I'm good at. I told you I couldn't bear to ruin someone else. I told you how I feared this would go. I even told you that when the time came I was afraid I wouldn't be enough — and you told me I already was, because you're kind and you're generous and you wanted to see the best in me, but now you're really seeing the truth that I selfishly thought I could hide from you. I don't want you to be with me and feel like that. I'm not going to beg you for anything. I'm not going to convince you to stay. I won't chain you to me like I did to him just because I didn't want to face the hurt of him not being there. I don't want you to accept this, Alina. I want you to let me do something that I know I'm not going to fail at. Not this.
no subject
So am I, Alina. I'm right here. [ he puts the cigar down to take up his lighter, setting fire to the rest of the files, the blaze hotter and brighter as the breeze blows back heat into his face. ] You've looked. You've seen. This is how it feels to be loved by me. Like a half measure. Like it's divided. Like there's always something else I want more than you. Dominik used to say the same thing, you know. I loved him. God, I loved him — and you. But it doesn't matter. I will always make you feel like you're being left behind.
[ leaning forward, he lets the pages tumble bit by bit into the sea, ashes breaking off and tiny embers flitting into the air. he doesn't have the strength to turn back and look at her. ]
Just let me do what I'm good at. I told you I couldn't bear to ruin someone else. I told you how I feared this would go. I even told you that when the time came I was afraid I wouldn't be enough — and you told me I already was, because you're kind and you're generous and you wanted to see the best in me, but now you're really seeing the truth that I selfishly thought I could hide from you. I don't want you to be with me and feel like that. I'm not going to beg you for anything. I'm not going to convince you to stay. I won't chain you to me like I did to him just because I didn't want to face the hurt of him not being there. I don't want you to accept this, Alina. I want you to let me do something that I know I'm not going to fail at. Not this.