[ she barely registers the blur of his movements from the corner of her eye, courtesy of staring down the floor and willing the ground to open up beneath her. the solution had seemed so simple, laid out before her by mal's hands, but now — she nearly wishes his hope hadn't been so infectious. it makes bearing nikolai's rejection that much more humiliating, pinching her eyes closed against the sudden rush of heat to her face, and the splotchy flush that's overtaken her throat. ]
No, [ she says, quiet, until she clears her throat to make way for that unrelenting firmness. steel that won't be bent, no matter her wavering conviction. no matter how her fingers have paused in ripping herself open, suddenly too discouraged to finish the job, in the face of his calm, easy smiles and the doubt they've injected into her veins. like this is a pain he can recover from, if he continues going through the motions. ] No, it doesn't make sense. I don't want to experience anything if it isn't with you.
[ she takes one step to the side, leaning into the corner of his desk, in a vain attempt to catch his eyes. it's worse, somehow, that he's fled from her and fixed his gaze to the screen — as though she's as pitiful as she feels, coming all this way to prostrate herself only to be turned away. lowering herself to begging, a sight too pathetic for him to stand to be around. ]
Are you ever going to listen to what I've been trying to tell you, or are you going to trap yourself in your head again and assume you know everything I feel without hearing it from me yourself? I didn't come here to tell you about Aleksander, Nik. I came here to work things out. You might have stopped believing in us, but I haven't.
[ it's difficult to armor herself in anger, to even summon it to deflect from the hollow pit in her chest. it only rings empty with her defeat, anticipating the answer to that question before it arrives. ]
It isn't a good idea for you to see it. It just feels stupid now. [ and now she can't erase it. at the very least, she won't have to endure the sight of it every time she glimpses herself in the mirror. she laughs, watery and self-depreacting, and makes a move to pick up her flats by the door. ] You don't need another reason to think I'm pathetic. I should just go before I find a new way to make everything worse than it already is.
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No, [ she says, quiet, until she clears her throat to make way for that unrelenting firmness. steel that won't be bent, no matter her wavering conviction. no matter how her fingers have paused in ripping herself open, suddenly too discouraged to finish the job, in the face of his calm, easy smiles and the doubt they've injected into her veins. like this is a pain he can recover from, if he continues going through the motions. ] No, it doesn't make sense. I don't want to experience anything if it isn't with you.
[ she takes one step to the side, leaning into the corner of his desk, in a vain attempt to catch his eyes. it's worse, somehow, that he's fled from her and fixed his gaze to the screen — as though she's as pitiful as she feels, coming all this way to prostrate herself only to be turned away. lowering herself to begging, a sight too pathetic for him to stand to be around. ]
Are you ever going to listen to what I've been trying to tell you, or are you going to trap yourself in your head again and assume you know everything I feel without hearing it from me yourself? I didn't come here to tell you about Aleksander, Nik. I came here to work things out. You might have stopped believing in us, but I haven't.
[ it's difficult to armor herself in anger, to even summon it to deflect from the hollow pit in her chest. it only rings empty with her defeat, anticipating the answer to that question before it arrives. ]
It isn't a good idea for you to see it. It just feels stupid now. [ and now she can't erase it. at the very least, she won't have to endure the sight of it every time she glimpses herself in the mirror. she laughs, watery and self-depreacting, and makes a move to pick up her flats by the door. ] You don't need another reason to think I'm pathetic. I should just go before I find a new way to make everything worse than it already is.