i've only been trying to tell you that for a week.
[ he's willing to talk to her now. she has to remind herself of that, in order to release some of her frustration with her next exhale. ]
mal told me i should be honest and tell you that it's okay to be afraid. because i'm terrified too, nikolai. you're not the only one haunted by ghosts. you're not the only one still in pain. the first person i ever loved never loved me the same way, and the second could only love me as long as i was what he wanted me to be. i know you're not them, and i don't want you to be, but no one has loved me without replacing me with something or someone else. so you can tell me that you're in love with me with your whole heart, but the truth is that i'm afraid to believe you in case you change your mind. you're going to find out i'm not worth any of this and you'll leave me behind, too. people always leave me behind. so it felt even worse when you came to aleksander's party for other reasons, when i would have helped you from the start. we could have gone to his party together to get what you wanted from his files if you had just asked me.
what i was trying to tell you is that. that i'm afraid. that there are moments where i don't know where i fit in your life, and i wish you would make a little more room for me. that i want you to need me as much as i needed you that night. that it feels like you're still keeping me at arm's length sometimes because you're afraid to lose me, and it only makes me feel more alone. that you really need to stop grabbing your phone right after we're done having sex. that it would be nice if you'd turn it off for just one night. that's really all i want from you. just one night for us where nothing else has to matter, and then we can go back to dealing with the world. i wasn't trying to break up with you or start an argument. i only wanted to confide in you. i only wanted you to tell me that i was being ridiculous and that we could find a way to work on it together. but it came out all wrong, and i made you feel like you're not enough because my panic attacks are ugly to watch. you're just enough for me. i know you can't bring yourself to believe that, but it's true.
so stop taking all of the blame, nik. it's my fault too. i don't know how to be unafraid. i don't know how to ask people for the things that i need from them. but i'm trying. tell me that counts for something.
no subject
[ he's willing to talk to her now. she has to remind herself of that, in order to release some of her frustration with her next exhale. ]
mal told me i should be honest and tell you that it's okay to be afraid.
because i'm terrified too, nikolai. you're not the only one haunted by ghosts. you're not the only one still in pain.
the first person i ever loved never loved me the same way, and the second could only love me as long as i was what he wanted me to be.
i know you're not them, and i don't want you to be, but no one has loved me without replacing me with something or someone else.
so you can tell me that you're in love with me with your whole heart, but the truth is that i'm afraid to believe you in case you change your mind.
you're going to find out i'm not worth any of this and you'll leave me behind, too. people always leave me behind.
so it felt even worse when you came to aleksander's party for other reasons, when i would have helped you from the start. we could have gone to his party together to get what you wanted from his files if you had just asked me.
what i was trying to tell you is that. that i'm afraid. that there are moments where i don't know where i fit in your life, and i wish you would make a little more room for me. that i want you to need me as much as i needed you that night.
that it feels like you're still keeping me at arm's length sometimes because you're afraid to lose me, and it only makes me feel more alone.
that you really need to stop grabbing your phone right after we're done having sex. that it would be nice if you'd turn it off for just one night.
that's really all i want from you. just one night for us where nothing else has to matter, and then we can go back to dealing with the world.
i wasn't trying to break up with you or start an argument. i only wanted to confide in you.
i only wanted you to tell me that i was being ridiculous and that we could find a way to work on it together.
but it came out all wrong, and i made you feel like you're not enough because my panic attacks are ugly to watch.
you're just enough for me. i know you can't bring yourself to believe that, but it's true.
so stop taking all of the blame, nik. it's my fault too.
i don't know how to be unafraid.
i don't know how to ask people for the things that i need from them.
but i'm trying. tell me that counts for something.