[ days pass in a daze. nikolai had never known her before had begun to shine brightly as the sun summoner, but the light in her has dulled into to a past version of herself. she had not cried in front of him since that initial discovery, some old rule about surviving the most difficult moments as a child surfacing to protect her like armor.
alina sits looking impossibly small from her perch on the over-sized sofa. she is thin and weak and pale. her fingers are curled into a blanket draped over her shoulders, but it does little to warm her. meals had been sent but uneaten, feeling like ash in her mouth.
she should have attended the royal funeral. she shouldn't have sent nikolai out to face them alone. she had started to dress, but apparently she had never even made it past a white slip and stays. the thought of wearing black made her want to vomit, but gold was too much. she couldn't stand the idea of so many eyes on her after she had failed to protect even nikolai's family and mal safe. if she cannot do it for them, how could she ever do it for ravka?
half of her is lost. more than that. it feels impossible to be whole ever again.
she can't quite meet his eyes, and at his question she stifles a shuddering, shallow breath. it's as if the weight of her sorrow was a literal stone on her chest restricting her breath. have you thought about what you want to do with Mal? like his a thing rather than a person. she wishes she could ignore it, pretend that their units were simply split up and that they might meet back at kribirsk again in a few weeks.
no more running, though. she had promised that. she swallows heavily, her voice hoarse, having not used it all day. maybe in days. ]
Keramzin.
[ it's stupid, but it's all she can think of. of course mal was the only thing that made it ever close to a home. true north, he had explained to her once. he was her true north. she is spinning, disoriented without him. but it feels right to lay him to rest there, in the place where they had hidden from the ugly realities of the orphanage and dreamed of lives they would never have. ]
You... you don't have to come with.
[ she can take a carriage. either tolya or tamar would come of course, while one stays here with nikolai. in her grief, she forgets what nikolai has lost and the burden he is having suddenly thrust upon him. she cannot keep all of ravka rudderless and kingless while she mourns. ]
feed me
alina sits looking impossibly small from her perch on the over-sized sofa. she is thin and weak and pale. her fingers are curled into a blanket draped over her shoulders, but it does little to warm her. meals had been sent but uneaten, feeling like ash in her mouth.
she should have attended the royal funeral. she shouldn't have sent nikolai out to face them alone. she had started to dress, but apparently she had never even made it past a white slip and stays. the thought of wearing black made her want to vomit, but gold was too much. she couldn't stand the idea of so many eyes on her after she had failed to protect even nikolai's family and mal safe. if she cannot do it for them, how could she ever do it for ravka?
half of her is lost. more than that. it feels impossible to be whole ever again.
she can't quite meet his eyes, and at his question she stifles a shuddering, shallow breath. it's as if the weight of her sorrow was a literal stone on her chest restricting her breath. have you thought about what you want to do with Mal? like his a thing rather than a person. she wishes she could ignore it, pretend that their units were simply split up and that they might meet back at kribirsk again in a few weeks.
no more running, though. she had promised that. she swallows heavily, her voice hoarse, having not used it all day. maybe in days. ]
Keramzin.
[ it's stupid, but it's all she can think of. of course mal was the only thing that made it ever close to a home. true north, he had explained to her once. he was her true north. she is spinning, disoriented without him. but it feels right to lay him to rest there, in the place where they had hidden from the ugly realities of the orphanage and dreamed of lives they would never have. ]
You... you don't have to come with.
[ she can take a carriage. either tolya or tamar would come of course, while one stays here with nikolai. in her grief, she forgets what nikolai has lost and the burden he is having suddenly thrust upon him. she cannot keep all of ravka rudderless and kingless while she mourns. ]