[ do you really feel that way? chest aching, heart burning. kaz cants his head, jaw taut, trying to keep all the affection he has for nikolai from climbing the rungs of his ribs and breaking his stern expression. multiple answers occur to him, though he utters none. no, yes, of course not. he feels that way when it’s easier to do so — when nikolai never wanting him seems like it could be a keen enough blade to sever the strings between them. harder and harder to keep hold of that as nikolai whispers terrifying things and touches him with care.
but surely there are things better than him waiting? a peaceful life in ravka, an uncomplicated companionship with someone whole, sweeter tongues and brighter eyes everywhere. those possibilities spiral until nikolai stops them with his hands, frightfully warm. kaz’s gaze flickers down to their layered grip and back up to study his tired, handsome face. he likes it best when they’re this close, even the faintest of nikolai’s freckles made visible. like secrets, just for him.
his words seem impossible, even as they unwind the tension coiled at his back. i’ve never wanted anyone the way i want you, plucked from his thoughts and gifted back to him, sounding so certain and sincere. something kaz hadn’t dared hope was true. never been wanted like this, above all else. never wanted someone just as much. still can’t put a name to this feeling. overwhelming, like drowning. exhilarating, like the air that rushes back into your lungs after breaching the surface. i’ll fight releases a long, shaking exhale from his chest. his face cracks open again, letting nikolai’s light inside, filling in every fissure, suffusing him with warmth. i’ll see you again, on the heels of the first stunning revelation, heightening the arch of his brows and widening his eyes.
a surprised, pleased noise, when nikolai chases his promises with action. already tender and bruised from his injuries, this brokers the fatal fracture in his controlled resistance. kaz kisses him back fiercely, again and again. hands frame his face, urge at the nape of his neck, tear at his buttons and push open his shirt. ] You will. [ a hushed confirmation to bind this contract. sat in nothing but his underwear and bandages, his bare skin slides against the cool surface, goosebumps skating up his legs, hitching loose around nikolai’s waist. he tilts his head back, eyes shuttering as nikolai leads him into the water, mouthing down his throat. too much. not enough. there might never be anyone else who can touch him like nikolai does, kissing places that aren’t his mouth, places that imply — that say — ]
Or? [ had he meant to say something else, something he wanted, or — ] Is that really all you want? [ phrasing riding on uneven breaths, focus shattered under nikolai’s relentless softness. still, he reaches for a thread nikolai unspooled moments earlier. i don’t know when anyone will ever be able to be near to me like this again. kaz kisses the hinge of his jaw and lowers his legs to set about the task of disarming him, nimble fingers unbuckling his holster. ]
You’re always caring for me without my asking. [ split between annoyed and touched, the way only kaz manages to be. of course he’d never ask for it, in the first place. he removes the holster and sets it aside with his discarded gloves and clothes. ] Always offering, when you’re the one who — [ catching himself, he swallows before any cracks become audible. even so, he can’t keep the concern from his voice. ] You were out there alone. [ for days, committing unspeakable acts, far from himself. he’ll be on his own after this, too, locked in a ravkan cell as the darkness in the unsea takes new shape. he pushes nikolai’s layers down his arms and lets them fall to the floor, assured in his want for everything nikolai will give, if this night is to be the last. fevered skin, dead hands, and all. won’t say that he thought of nikolai all the time on the job. that even when kaz wasn’t thinking of him, he was trying not to think of him, which is ultimately the same thing. ]
Stay until sunrise, for a start. [ or at least until their shared exhaustion finally gets the better of them. his mouth curves high on one side, and his hands brush over nikolai's ribs, checking for hurts inflicted while he was away. ] And I'll tell you, [ something he wants but hasn't said. ] but you'll have to tell me your own aches, too.
[ exploiting the loophole in any request, as ever. this can’t just be about him — about penance — with all nikolai is fighting in mind and body, too. ]
no subject
but surely there are things better than him waiting? a peaceful life in ravka, an uncomplicated companionship with someone whole, sweeter tongues and brighter eyes everywhere. those possibilities spiral until nikolai stops them with his hands, frightfully warm. kaz’s gaze flickers down to their layered grip and back up to study his tired, handsome face. he likes it best when they’re this close, even the faintest of nikolai’s freckles made visible. like secrets, just for him.
his words seem impossible, even as they unwind the tension coiled at his back. i’ve never wanted anyone the way i want you, plucked from his thoughts and gifted back to him, sounding so certain and sincere. something kaz hadn’t dared hope was true. never been wanted like this, above all else. never wanted someone just as much. still can’t put a name to this feeling. overwhelming, like drowning. exhilarating, like the air that rushes back into your lungs after breaching the surface. i’ll fight releases a long, shaking exhale from his chest. his face cracks open again, letting nikolai’s light inside, filling in every fissure, suffusing him with warmth. i’ll see you again, on the heels of the first stunning revelation, heightening the arch of his brows and widening his eyes.
a surprised, pleased noise, when nikolai chases his promises with action. already tender and bruised from his injuries, this brokers the fatal fracture in his controlled resistance. kaz kisses him back fiercely, again and again. hands frame his face, urge at the nape of his neck, tear at his buttons and push open his shirt. ] You will. [ a hushed confirmation to bind this contract. sat in nothing but his underwear and bandages, his bare skin slides against the cool surface, goosebumps skating up his legs, hitching loose around nikolai’s waist. he tilts his head back, eyes shuttering as nikolai leads him into the water, mouthing down his throat. too much. not enough. there might never be anyone else who can touch him like nikolai does, kissing places that aren’t his mouth, places that imply — that say — ]
Or? [ had he meant to say something else, something he wanted, or — ] Is that really all you want? [ phrasing riding on uneven breaths, focus shattered under nikolai’s relentless softness. still, he reaches for a thread nikolai unspooled moments earlier. i don’t know when anyone will ever be able to be near to me like this again. kaz kisses the hinge of his jaw and lowers his legs to set about the task of disarming him, nimble fingers unbuckling his holster. ]
You’re always caring for me without my asking. [ split between annoyed and touched, the way only kaz manages to be. of course he’d never ask for it, in the first place. he removes the holster and sets it aside with his discarded gloves and clothes. ] Always offering, when you’re the one who — [ catching himself, he swallows before any cracks become audible. even so, he can’t keep the concern from his voice. ] You were out there alone. [ for days, committing unspeakable acts, far from himself. he’ll be on his own after this, too, locked in a ravkan cell as the darkness in the unsea takes new shape. he pushes nikolai’s layers down his arms and lets them fall to the floor, assured in his want for everything nikolai will give, if this night is to be the last. fevered skin, dead hands, and all. won’t say that he thought of nikolai all the time on the job. that even when kaz wasn’t thinking of him, he was trying not to think of him, which is ultimately the same thing. ]
Stay until sunrise, for a start. [ or at least until their shared exhaustion finally gets the better of them. his mouth curves high on one side, and his hands brush over nikolai's ribs, checking for hurts inflicted while he was away. ] And I'll tell you, [ something he wants but hasn't said. ] but you'll have to tell me your own aches, too.
[ exploiting the loophole in any request, as ever. this can’t just be about him — about penance — with all nikolai is fighting in mind and body, too. ]