[ he asked kaz to ask, and yet it still surprises him when he does it so plainly, sending a shock of pleasure curling through him as if kaz had wrapped his hand around him and touched him. it's rough, crude, like most things about him — want you to fuck me, raw desire, no finesse beyond that, but nikolai is proud to hear it anyway and more than pleased to oblige. fingers first. he's all the way in now, with kaz feeling so breakable in his careless hands. he has to be better here, now more than ever. he's done so much wrong that he at least has to be able to get this right.
kaz pushes back against him, a promising sign, soft little noises in his throat. he eases his fingers in and out, slow at first, then building to a gentle speed, his free hand ghosting along his cock, then tracing the line of his torso as his moves up, wrapping his fingers gently around his throat. he tips his chin up so he can see the silhouette of his face, the tip of his nose nuzzling into his cheek. ]
You're warm. [ something he doesn't mean to come out, too close to a clue that he's cold. he angles his fingers, pushes them in hard, finds kaz's mouth to kiss away his moans as he moves them inside of him. finds that thin rope of scar tissue at his throat and traces it softly — regrets it immediately, because he imagines him in a prison with his throat cut open, only it's his black-clawed hands tipped in blood, the taste of it fresh in his mouth. he pulls both of his hands away, drawing in a sharp breath, blinking back the image. it's the monster playing tricks on him — no, not the monster, just his own scattered mind that he needs to get a hold of. don't ruin this, too.
he smiles, meeting any questions kaz might have with a quick kiss, dragging him down to a pile of fluffy pillows and knocking him to his back, tumbling down with him so he can deepen the kiss while sliding his tongue past his lips. warm. no blood, no snow. he curls a hand through his hair, gentle, as if reminding himself that he's whole and real and here, and then coaxes kaz's legs open, gripping his cock and dragging his thumb along the wetness dripping from the tip. ]
I want this to be good for you. [ not a want. a need. he draws back with a fleeting kiss, lifting kaz's hips, admiring the way he looks beneath him, a pink flush traveling down his skin. he's always urged kaz to stay in these moments, and kaz has asked the same of him. he should listen. he's trying. he touches his own cock, slick and aching, carefully guiding it between kaz's legs. this has never seemed so difficult before, so weighted, and he realizes it's because it's never really meant as much as this. he was so young with dominik, fumbling and needy, no importance placed on this when they had an entire country to make their mark upon. no one else after meant anything even close to that. but with kaz, suddenly this means everything.
a strained breath flutters from his chest when he gently pushes in, unbearably slow, heat of an indescribable intensity enveloping him from the inside. he keeps his hips steady, hand sliding up kaz's waist to glide to the small of his back, lifting him carefully from the bed just so. it takes every bit of his self control not to just push in. he listens to the pull of kaz's body, slows when he feels him straining. watches him carefully and stays in this moment, marveling that he has kaz brekker in this bed. that at least for now, nikolai is allowed to be his. ]
It's okay. [ he eases down, finding kaz's hands and pressing them gently into the mattress, lacing their fingers together. he kisses his damp cheek, soothes his lips over kaz's panting mouth. he stills his hips, blond strands falling into his eyes. ] Stay with me, Kaz. Like you always do.
no subject
kaz pushes back against him, a promising sign, soft little noises in his throat. he eases his fingers in and out, slow at first, then building to a gentle speed, his free hand ghosting along his cock, then tracing the line of his torso as his moves up, wrapping his fingers gently around his throat. he tips his chin up so he can see the silhouette of his face, the tip of his nose nuzzling into his cheek. ]
You're warm. [ something he doesn't mean to come out, too close to a clue that he's cold. he angles his fingers, pushes them in hard, finds kaz's mouth to kiss away his moans as he moves them inside of him. finds that thin rope of scar tissue at his throat and traces it softly — regrets it immediately, because he imagines him in a prison with his throat cut open, only it's his black-clawed hands tipped in blood, the taste of it fresh in his mouth. he pulls both of his hands away, drawing in a sharp breath, blinking back the image. it's the monster playing tricks on him — no, not the monster, just his own scattered mind that he needs to get a hold of. don't ruin this, too.
he smiles, meeting any questions kaz might have with a quick kiss, dragging him down to a pile of fluffy pillows and knocking him to his back, tumbling down with him so he can deepen the kiss while sliding his tongue past his lips. warm. no blood, no snow. he curls a hand through his hair, gentle, as if reminding himself that he's whole and real and here, and then coaxes kaz's legs open, gripping his cock and dragging his thumb along the wetness dripping from the tip. ]
I want this to be good for you. [ not a want. a need. he draws back with a fleeting kiss, lifting kaz's hips, admiring the way he looks beneath him, a pink flush traveling down his skin. he's always urged kaz to stay in these moments, and kaz has asked the same of him. he should listen. he's trying. he touches his own cock, slick and aching, carefully guiding it between kaz's legs. this has never seemed so difficult before, so weighted, and he realizes it's because it's never really meant as much as this. he was so young with dominik, fumbling and needy, no importance placed on this when they had an entire country to make their mark upon. no one else after meant anything even close to that. but with kaz, suddenly this means everything.
a strained breath flutters from his chest when he gently pushes in, unbearably slow, heat of an indescribable intensity enveloping him from the inside. he keeps his hips steady, hand sliding up kaz's waist to glide to the small of his back, lifting him carefully from the bed just so. it takes every bit of his self control not to just push in. he listens to the pull of kaz's body, slows when he feels him straining. watches him carefully and stays in this moment, marveling that he has kaz brekker in this bed. that at least for now, nikolai is allowed to be his. ]
It's okay. [ he eases down, finding kaz's hands and pressing them gently into the mattress, lacing their fingers together. he kisses his damp cheek, soothes his lips over kaz's panting mouth. he stills his hips, blond strands falling into his eyes. ] Stay with me, Kaz. Like you always do.