[ sensation layered and doubling, aligned with the whole of him, from where nikolai pushes flush to the lashes kissing his cheek. it’s as if liquid heat pours out of him and fills kaz up. his mouth stretches over a long, low groan. the assurance, the praise sparks his attention, blues flashing in answer. already, something tugs low, a call to chase, hips canting up in response. ]
Hah — [ the pain-pleasure of nikolai gripping his thigh, like pressing a bruise. ] So do you. [ as quick to learn in this as kaz is in all things, locking a leg at nikolai’s waist when guided back. his free hand swiftly plunges into nikolai’s hair, tangling firm to drag him into every kiss. and trap him at the hollow of kaz’s throat, too, the only security he can offer against those shuddering breaths.
for so long, he says, and that seems impossible. well, improbable, but then so is the way nikolai curves over him, setting a galvanising pace that has kaz rocking up against him, legato pants only broken on the rebound. strangely gratifying, to imagine nikolai thinking of him like this when kaz had still been trying not to look for too long, skin prickling every time he was caught. in an instant, the reverse occurs — nikolai definitively exposed, rib cage opened up so kaz can see and seize his heart. his pulse pangs at the sight, a throbbing that reaches the still-molten core of him.
scenarios shuffle in his mind, the next play selected with expedient precision. no time to overthink. ]
[ gently, ] I can’t. [ keep him, even though kaz said he would and meant it. the mistake he made in novyi zen was the first domino that clattered down, knocking block after block until they stained the fjerdan snowscapes crimson. his fault, as much as nikolai’s. all his miscalculations added to their inevitable sum. even so, any guilt kaz experiences is on behalf of but one person, though others paid with their lives. he squeezes the nape of nikolai’s neck, blunt nails scratching the skin. ] Let go, and then find your way back.
[ nikolai should know this refrain after all the times kaz has been pulled under in his arms — after begging him to still, when they actually fell into the sea. if you fight the riptide, you’re more likely to drown, after all. you have to let the current carry you out before you can swim back to shore. or, as inej might say, the trick is in knowing how to fall. always time for unsolicited advice from the philosopher crook, even if that means pausing or stopping this affair entirely. there’s no point in being here and having this without nikolai able to enjoy it.
black-tipped fingers flutter in his periphery. kaz tilts his head just so, brushing his lips over nikolai’s palm in acknowledgement of his request and shakiness both. if nikolai finds himself floating, kaz can be the counterweight for a change. he must. ]
Back to my voice. [ he slips his other hand between them, skimming over the flat of his stomach before gripping his cock and letting a ragged sound spill from his lips where he’d normally hush it. can feel himself tighten around nikolai, new but good. his nimble fingers gather wetness from the tip and stroke down his length. it’s immediately clear that he won’t last like this, with nikolai sliding in and out while his own confidence mounts, meeting each thrust. a ratcheting intensity. his features loosen, grin sudden and boyish as head falls back, throat bared. ] My face. [ that nikolai seems partial to, obviously. a visual and tactile learner, he thinks wryly, hooking a protective arm across his shoulders. desperate as he is, kaz won’t push onward unless nikolai’s shaky pieces reassemble in his hold. some things are too precious to risk. ]
no subject
Hah — [ the pain-pleasure of nikolai gripping his thigh, like pressing a bruise. ] So do you. [ as quick to learn in this as kaz is in all things, locking a leg at nikolai’s waist when guided back. his free hand swiftly plunges into nikolai’s hair, tangling firm to drag him into every kiss. and trap him at the hollow of kaz’s throat, too, the only security he can offer against those shuddering breaths.
for so long, he says, and that seems impossible. well, improbable, but then so is the way nikolai curves over him, setting a galvanising pace that has kaz rocking up against him, legato pants only broken on the rebound. strangely gratifying, to imagine nikolai thinking of him like this when kaz had still been trying not to look for too long, skin prickling every time he was caught. in an instant, the reverse occurs — nikolai definitively exposed, rib cage opened up so kaz can see and seize his heart. his pulse pangs at the sight, a throbbing that reaches the still-molten core of him.
scenarios shuffle in his mind, the next play selected with expedient precision. no time to overthink. ]
[ gently, ] I can’t. [ keep him, even though kaz said he would and meant it. the mistake he made in novyi zen was the first domino that clattered down, knocking block after block until they stained the fjerdan snowscapes crimson. his fault, as much as nikolai’s. all his miscalculations added to their inevitable sum. even so, any guilt kaz experiences is on behalf of but one person, though others paid with their lives. he squeezes the nape of nikolai’s neck, blunt nails scratching the skin. ] Let go, and then find your way back.
[ nikolai should know this refrain after all the times kaz has been pulled under in his arms — after begging him to still, when they actually fell into the sea. if you fight the riptide, you’re more likely to drown, after all. you have to let the current carry you out before you can swim back to shore. or, as inej might say, the trick is in knowing how to fall. always time for unsolicited advice from the philosopher crook, even if that means pausing or stopping this affair entirely. there’s no point in being here and having this without nikolai able to enjoy it.
black-tipped fingers flutter in his periphery. kaz tilts his head just so, brushing his lips over nikolai’s palm in acknowledgement of his request and shakiness both. if nikolai finds himself floating, kaz can be the counterweight for a change. he must. ]
Back to my voice. [ he slips his other hand between them, skimming over the flat of his stomach before gripping his cock and letting a ragged sound spill from his lips where he’d normally hush it. can feel himself tighten around nikolai, new but good. his nimble fingers gather wetness from the tip and stroke down his length. it’s immediately clear that he won’t last like this, with nikolai sliding in and out while his own confidence mounts, meeting each thrust. a ratcheting intensity. his features loosen, grin sudden and boyish as head falls back, throat bared. ] My face. [ that nikolai seems partial to, obviously. a visual and tactile learner, he thinks wryly, hooking a protective arm across his shoulders. desperate as he is, kaz won’t push onward unless nikolai’s shaky pieces reassemble in his hold. some things are too precious to risk. ]