[ he doesn't look away when kaz's hurt bubbles out of him, accusations tossed back into his face. they're true enough. with the same fervor in which he's been trying to hold onto this, he's been trying to let this go — and failing on both accounts, simply allowing kaz to exist in some space between dreams and reality. maybe zoya sending him away is an expiation of sorts, a pain he's owed for what he's done here. he's slow to react when kaz pins him down, knowing that he should wrest him off, but instead inhaling languidly at the blossom of warmth at his pulse. ]
You wouldn't have. Let's not lie to each other now. [ he glides a heavy hand along kaz's thigh, pressing his fingers into his hip. thinks about undressing him but feels too clumsy, too unwanted. his desires threaten to tear him in two, to be with kaz and to be home again at once, two things that can't exist in the same dream. ] You have a life here. It wasn't right of me to try and keep you from that just because I... [ he trails off, shuts his eyes. want you need you love you. any and all of those things. none he's willing to say, none useful to people like them.
he opens his eyes then, a flash of familiar hazel when the light hits him just so. lifting his hand from kaz's hip, he reaches up to cradle kaz's jaw instead, taking in the sincerity in his gaze for just a moment before his vision tilts and blurs. his hand drops, catching at his open collar, a breath sucked into his lungs. ] I can't stay here. I — need to get back to my ship.
[ his hips give a restless buck, squirming halfheartedly beneath kaz as he cranes his neck to blearily take stock of his surroundings once more. the bed is too damned small. he pulls at kaz's shirt, trying to think through the haze encasing his brain, an unsteady exhale rasping from his lips. ]
Here. [ he releases kaz's shirt so he can retrieve his stolen tie, pulling it from around his neck and pressing it to his pinned hand. wishes he could extinguish all the lamps and draw the curtains, leaving the room in total darkness so he could hide the slow flush of shame warming his face. maybe it's just the drink. ] Tie me to — something. Anything. Just this hand. Fuck, Brekker, just — touch me. Please. [ his hand shakes, his gaze imploring. ] I won't go.
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You wouldn't have. Let's not lie to each other now. [ he glides a heavy hand along kaz's thigh, pressing his fingers into his hip. thinks about undressing him but feels too clumsy, too unwanted. his desires threaten to tear him in two, to be with kaz and to be home again at once, two things that can't exist in the same dream. ] You have a life here. It wasn't right of me to try and keep you from that just because I... [ he trails off, shuts his eyes. want you need you love you. any and all of those things. none he's willing to say, none useful to people like them.
he opens his eyes then, a flash of familiar hazel when the light hits him just so. lifting his hand from kaz's hip, he reaches up to cradle kaz's jaw instead, taking in the sincerity in his gaze for just a moment before his vision tilts and blurs. his hand drops, catching at his open collar, a breath sucked into his lungs. ] I can't stay here. I — need to get back to my ship.
[ his hips give a restless buck, squirming halfheartedly beneath kaz as he cranes his neck to blearily take stock of his surroundings once more. the bed is too damned small. he pulls at kaz's shirt, trying to think through the haze encasing his brain, an unsteady exhale rasping from his lips. ]
Here. [ he releases kaz's shirt so he can retrieve his stolen tie, pulling it from around his neck and pressing it to his pinned hand. wishes he could extinguish all the lamps and draw the curtains, leaving the room in total darkness so he could hide the slow flush of shame warming his face. maybe it's just the drink. ] Tie me to — something. Anything. Just this hand. Fuck, Brekker, just — touch me. Please. [ his hand shakes, his gaze imploring. ] I won't go.