[ for a moment, it’s near-perfect. nikolai doesn’t fight him, though he most certainly chafes against kaz’s adamance — but the game turns with the reveal single card. cold spikes through his skull. again, a warning: brekker, not kaz. even muddled with brandy, he hears a distant alarm ring. his heart takes flight in his chest.
at once, kaz finds himself there and not, called into the dank interior of his memories. a wave of fear as nikolai’s eyes turn liquid black before him, another, higher crash overtakes him, and he’s drowning, lungs contracting, unable to choke another breath in novyi zem, fjerda, ketterdam. instinctive revulsion tries to whip his head back but nikolai has him by the throat, shadows licking his skin. his stomach trembles. the same thought that carried him to shore lifts his head above the waterline now: a monster need not fear his kind. he breathes out, shaky and careful, so absorbed in steadying the rise and fall of his chest that he fails to notice the threat recede. nikolai’s confession sounds like it was spoken underwater, bubbling out sluggish and strange. ]
I thought I heard something. [ kaz untangles himself, sitting upright and glancing at the widow, as if his visitor came from outside and not the person beside him. masking unease with his typical suspicion, he turns back to nikolai. ] The last time someone caught me off guard was on a night like this. [ one where he was happy (synonymous with foolish and sloppy). it’s true enough. ] I had the ice court job in hand, [ a sharp inhale. ] and then Rollins had me on my knees. I thought he’d kill me then, but my sterling personality inspires a creativity that outright murder lacks. [ he leaves out that the spectre of jordie (or what might have been jordie if he aged alongside kaz) came to seek his revenge, just as it does every time he nearly dies. you never get something for nothing, kaz. searching the room, he pauses on a shimmer of moonlight. doesn’t know if he’s disappointed or relieved not to see jordie flicker into being.
no, tonight it’s just the two of them. and the demon. the thing that’s both nikolai and darkling. nichevo'ya. he resolves to write nazyalensky tomorrow, accepting her terms on the condition she tells him everything she knows about the monster. facing it unprepared landed them both in the drink last time. if he makes the same mistake, he deserves to have his throat ripped out. but if it wanted you dead, it would kill you. well, if it were strong enough for its wants to overcome nikolai’s will for long.
another memory: the first time it seized nikolai, he said it needed to feed. a possible explanation for the breach, although nikolai had been aware then. kaz sits just barely within reach now. of course the demon could tear his tie into ribbons. at least nikolai alone won’t be able to slip free until kaz teaches him the trick to the knot. better to stand, first crossing to the window and pausing to look into the street. his hand lingers at the nape of his neck, feeling the rawness of skin nearly broken, surely reddened, beneath his dishevelled hair. not yet ready to face nikolai again, lest he tip his hand, he draws the emerald velvet curtains. as he turns back, his eyes find nikolai’s, comforted by the swirl of colours he knows intimately.
still needs time to set his bones. he removes his cufflinks, slipping them into his trouser pocket. finally, he musters to composure to start an unhurried trek back to the bed. undoes a few buttons along the way, pulling his shirt over his head with both hands. ]
[ tugging his arms free of the sleeves, one brow cocked. ] Are you going to fall sleep with me dressed like that?
no subject
at once, kaz finds himself there and not, called into the dank interior of his memories. a wave of fear as nikolai’s eyes turn liquid black before him, another, higher crash overtakes him, and he’s drowning, lungs contracting, unable to choke another breath in novyi zem, fjerda, ketterdam. instinctive revulsion tries to whip his head back but nikolai has him by the throat, shadows licking his skin. his stomach trembles. the same thought that carried him to shore lifts his head above the waterline now: a monster need not fear his kind. he breathes out, shaky and careful, so absorbed in steadying the rise and fall of his chest that he fails to notice the threat recede. nikolai’s confession sounds like it was spoken underwater, bubbling out sluggish and strange. ]
I thought I heard something. [ kaz untangles himself, sitting upright and glancing at the widow, as if his visitor came from outside and not the person beside him. masking unease with his typical suspicion, he turns back to nikolai. ] The last time someone caught me off guard was on a night like this. [ one where he was happy (synonymous with foolish and sloppy). it’s true enough. ] I had the ice court job in hand, [ a sharp inhale. ] and then Rollins had me on my knees. I thought he’d kill me then, but my sterling personality inspires a creativity that outright murder lacks. [ he leaves out that the spectre of jordie (or what might have been jordie if he aged alongside kaz) came to seek his revenge, just as it does every time he nearly dies. you never get something for nothing, kaz. searching the room, he pauses on a shimmer of moonlight. doesn’t know if he’s disappointed or relieved not to see jordie flicker into being.
no, tonight it’s just the two of them. and the demon. the thing that’s both nikolai and darkling. nichevo'ya. he resolves to write nazyalensky tomorrow, accepting her terms on the condition she tells him everything she knows about the monster. facing it unprepared landed them both in the drink last time. if he makes the same mistake, he deserves to have his throat ripped out. but if it wanted you dead, it would kill you. well, if it were strong enough for its wants to overcome nikolai’s will for long.
another memory: the first time it seized nikolai, he said it needed to feed. a possible explanation for the breach, although nikolai had been aware then. kaz sits just barely within reach now. of course the demon could tear his tie into ribbons. at least nikolai alone won’t be able to slip free until kaz teaches him the trick to the knot. better to stand, first crossing to the window and pausing to look into the street. his hand lingers at the nape of his neck, feeling the rawness of skin nearly broken, surely reddened, beneath his dishevelled hair. not yet ready to face nikolai again, lest he tip his hand, he draws the emerald velvet curtains. as he turns back, his eyes find nikolai’s, comforted by the swirl of colours he knows intimately.
still needs time to set his bones. he removes his cufflinks, slipping them into his trouser pocket. finally, he musters to composure to start an unhurried trek back to the bed. undoes a few buttons along the way, pulling his shirt over his head with both hands. ]
[ tugging his arms free of the sleeves, one brow cocked. ] Are you going to fall sleep with me dressed like that?