[ naturally, nikolai solves his puzzle with scant clues in hand. it’s information that no one else picked up in the last decade — or if they did, they knew better than to examine it and voice their conclusions aloud. kaz tells himself that it costs nothing to reveal this, though he knows that cutting off these pieces of himself and offering them to nikolai is dangerous. ]
Mm. [ a hesitation for show, eye memorising every angle of nikolai’s delighted face. kaz resists the sudden urge to kiss his clever smile and shutters his gaze. it’s the only way to keep from mutilating himself further. a farmstead in lij, he might say, if he kept looking at nikolai’s warm eyes and perfect mouth. i bought it back for no reason other than sentiment. come see it, as if kaz has ever dared return to the place. maybe he could, if nikolai were with him.
blessedly, nikolai reorients them in space and time before he can suggest a return to the past. the moment that he mentions the demon, kaz opens his eyes and locks them on nikolai. this isn’t something he knew, but it fits with what he assumed after observing the steel heist. it aligns with the monster’s version of events, too. a time when it was useful, abruptly severed by the loss of nikolai’s crown and higher purpose. his thoughts splinter and scatter under the tincture’s burn, and he noses into his arm. it would have been kinder, perhaps, if nikolai had been allowed to die for his country. or if zoya could find a space for him now — but the demon complicates everything.
beneath the pain, he wonders: there must have been events prior to this, a place where nikolai first fought the creature until he could gain control. that’s where they should go.
when nikolai’s careful, aching hands end their work, kaz peeks out from under his wrist again, the crow and cup on his arm reflecting the light. just in time to see nikolai come close. a day ago, this wasn’t possible, and the awe widens his features, unprotected as nikolai guides his arm down. he pushes back without intent, squeezing nikolai’s fingers because he can — because this isn’t a dream, shattering from the slightest movement.
he tips his cheek into nikolai’s other hand, more cat than crow. strange, to feel new instincts forming in real time. a lean toward, not away. heat and icy cold in those charred fingers, salt on his skin. as nikolai settles a hand in his hair, he sighs without thinking. his other hand finds nikolai’s hip, sliding under his rumpled shirt to the low hollow of his spine. ]
I couldn’t be. [ afraid, not of nikolai. even at the start, before this fatal entanglement, he told nikolai that no violence could frighten him away. not since he crawled out of the canal. ] It’s you. [ a safe harbour. a trap. someone who will no doubt hurt him, because that’s what happens when you allow anyone within striking range.
a flicker of uncertainty, at the next question. being open the way nikolai is — that’s more frightening than the demon or the depths. there’s no telling what kaz might unearth in himself, if he dug into nikolai’s cracked layers. ]
No. [ no winning answer here, only a true one. he drops his head into the crook of nikolai’s shoulder, something like an apology in the act. a hard swallow. nikolai’s breath is a hot, live thing in his ear. a snarl of nerves settles at the base of his spine. could he ever tire of this? no, not after a lifetime of starvation. could nikolai? parts of it, surely, with his old hurts that threaten to rot. a finger taps against the back of nikolai’s hand, still held captive in his own, and he looses a heavy exhale. ] But it frightened you. [ that’s what kaz ought to beg forgiveness for. ]
There’s no guarantee of future compliance, I know that, but last night — it said it wouldn’t hurt anyone else. [ only you. no hunting to concern themselves with, despite the clock ticking away. ] It stopped when I asked. [ the memory bursts to the forefront of his mind, the silent assessment in its cold gaze. ] That’s when it — [ he clears his throat. ] The only time it kissed me. [ that night. ] And then it gave you back. [ mouth red and slick in the aftermath. ] So it’s okay. We’re — okay.
no subject
Mm. [ a hesitation for show, eye memorising every angle of nikolai’s delighted face. kaz resists the sudden urge to kiss his clever smile and shutters his gaze. it’s the only way to keep from mutilating himself further. a farmstead in lij, he might say, if he kept looking at nikolai’s warm eyes and perfect mouth. i bought it back for no reason other than sentiment. come see it, as if kaz has ever dared return to the place. maybe he could, if nikolai were with him.
blessedly, nikolai reorients them in space and time before he can suggest a return to the past. the moment that he mentions the demon, kaz opens his eyes and locks them on nikolai. this isn’t something he knew, but it fits with what he assumed after observing the steel heist. it aligns with the monster’s version of events, too. a time when it was useful, abruptly severed by the loss of nikolai’s crown and higher purpose. his thoughts splinter and scatter under the tincture’s burn, and he noses into his arm. it would have been kinder, perhaps, if nikolai had been allowed to die for his country. or if zoya could find a space for him now — but the demon complicates everything.
beneath the pain, he wonders: there must have been events prior to this, a place where nikolai first fought the creature until he could gain control. that’s where they should go.
when nikolai’s careful, aching hands end their work, kaz peeks out from under his wrist again, the crow and cup on his arm reflecting the light. just in time to see nikolai come close. a day ago, this wasn’t possible, and the awe widens his features, unprotected as nikolai guides his arm down. he pushes back without intent, squeezing nikolai’s fingers because he can — because this isn’t a dream, shattering from the slightest movement.
he tips his cheek into nikolai’s other hand, more cat than crow. strange, to feel new instincts forming in real time. a lean toward, not away. heat and icy cold in those charred fingers, salt on his skin. as nikolai settles a hand in his hair, he sighs without thinking. his other hand finds nikolai’s hip, sliding under his rumpled shirt to the low hollow of his spine. ]
I couldn’t be. [ afraid, not of nikolai. even at the start, before this fatal entanglement, he told nikolai that no violence could frighten him away. not since he crawled out of the canal. ] It’s you. [ a safe harbour. a trap. someone who will no doubt hurt him, because that’s what happens when you allow anyone within striking range.
a flicker of uncertainty, at the next question. being open the way nikolai is — that’s more frightening than the demon or the depths. there’s no telling what kaz might unearth in himself, if he dug into nikolai’s cracked layers. ]
No. [ no winning answer here, only a true one. he drops his head into the crook of nikolai’s shoulder, something like an apology in the act. a hard swallow. nikolai’s breath is a hot, live thing in his ear. a snarl of nerves settles at the base of his spine. could he ever tire of this? no, not after a lifetime of starvation. could nikolai? parts of it, surely, with his old hurts that threaten to rot. a finger taps against the back of nikolai’s hand, still held captive in his own, and he looses a heavy exhale. ] But it frightened you. [ that’s what kaz ought to beg forgiveness for. ]
There’s no guarantee of future compliance, I know that, but last night — it said it wouldn’t hurt anyone else. [ only you. no hunting to concern themselves with, despite the clock ticking away. ] It stopped when I asked. [ the memory bursts to the forefront of his mind, the silent assessment in its cold gaze. ] That’s when it — [ he clears his throat. ] The only time it kissed me. [ that night. ] And then it gave you back. [ mouth red and slick in the aftermath. ] So it’s okay. We’re — okay.