[ would it have been better to not come back at all? to remain a captive in his own body, seeing only glimpses of the world through moments of lucidity? looking at alina now, the venom in her words sinking into him as poison should, he can't say he's sure. maybe ravka would be lost without him, but the truth is it still could be lost with him and the nearly fanatical plan he's proposing.
he holds onto his composure because it's the only thing he can think to do, watching the emerald hit the desk, picking up the sunlight in far too brilliant a way than this conversation deserves. the foolish thought that he somehow would be able to find a shred of happiness in a royal alliance seems like just that — the overly romantic dream of a starry-eyed boy, a wholly unrealistic fantasy that settles around him like ash. no matter what happened, he always believed that he and alina could be friends even in a loveless marriage. now he sees that even that reality is breaking down before his tired eyes.
he can't control this, and he can't control her, and he can't control the teeming darkness within himself. it's as if he's stepped from one nightmare right into another. ]
Then I'll make sure you have everything you need to live a comfortable life when you go. [ equal parts of hurt and relief collide with disturbing force. he doesn't want her to go. he doesn't want her to stay. he's already weary of this senseless war waging within himself. saints, how does he miss her when she's standing right in front of him? ] That emerald will fetch a hefty price, you know.
There's another piece to this. One more thing I have to ask of you.
[ he reaches out to catch one of her hands, pulling her toward him, though he's careful in handling her wounds when he presses her hand to his heart and holds it there. it makes him flinch, the way the monster stirs suddenly inside of him, like answering a call. he swallows down an unsteady breath, a heavy longing sweeping through him. ]
I'm at your mercy now. [ her hand is a searing heat against his chest, burning right through the fabric of his shirt. he wants to shove her away. he wants to kiss her. ] Swear to me that if the time comes, you'll kill it if you need to. Don't hesitate just because it's me. Promise me, Alina. It can only be you.
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he holds onto his composure because it's the only thing he can think to do, watching the emerald hit the desk, picking up the sunlight in far too brilliant a way than this conversation deserves. the foolish thought that he somehow would be able to find a shred of happiness in a royal alliance seems like just that — the overly romantic dream of a starry-eyed boy, a wholly unrealistic fantasy that settles around him like ash. no matter what happened, he always believed that he and alina could be friends even in a loveless marriage. now he sees that even that reality is breaking down before his tired eyes.
he can't control this, and he can't control her, and he can't control the teeming darkness within himself. it's as if he's stepped from one nightmare right into another. ]
Then I'll make sure you have everything you need to live a comfortable life when you go. [ equal parts of hurt and relief collide with disturbing force. he doesn't want her to go. he doesn't want her to stay. he's already weary of this senseless war waging within himself. saints, how does he miss her when she's standing right in front of him? ] That emerald will fetch a hefty price, you know.
There's another piece to this. One more thing I have to ask of you.
[ he reaches out to catch one of her hands, pulling her toward him, though he's careful in handling her wounds when he presses her hand to his heart and holds it there. it makes him flinch, the way the monster stirs suddenly inside of him, like answering a call. he swallows down an unsteady breath, a heavy longing sweeping through him. ]
I'm at your mercy now. [ her hand is a searing heat against his chest, burning right through the fabric of his shirt. he wants to shove her away. he wants to kiss her. ] Swear to me that if the time comes, you'll kill it if you need to. Don't hesitate just because it's me. Promise me, Alina. It can only be you.