[ it feels like drowning. like he's losing all his senses as they blink out one by one. alina will never look at him the same way again — she doesn't love him and she will never love him, not after all of this torment swirling between them. the monster piles doubts upon him until he's crushed beneath their weight, until he can't feel her lips when he kisses them or her hair when he grips it tight between his hands. he's drifting underwater, thinking of all the ways he's fallen short and all the things he could've done better and all the people he shouldn't have let down. his lungs burn, but there's no way to break the surface, not when the monster's tendrils are wound around him so tightly that he thinks his bones might break.
something wraps around his throat, something hot and real. something that isn't the monster, because he's starting to be able to distinguish the oily darkness of the way it feels from everything else. it's just enough to pull his head above water, and the world comes rushing back, alina's face suddenly in focus again while the black drains from his eyes. he doesn't want this thing anywhere near her. his mind races frantically, trying to cobble up some sort of plan. ]
You're asking me to let this thing take control? [ the sound that comes from his throat can't be entirely described as a laugh. he wants to pull away from her, but his feet feel leaden, too heavy to move. ] No. It could kill you, Alina.
[ even as the words leave his mouth he knows they're not true. the monster would never do that. the feelings tangled through him aren't those of hatred or death. it's a longing ache, a desperate want, and that's what scares him the most. that he won't be able to keep those feelings at bay, that he isn't strong enough to resist this pull. ]
Hurt it. Put it to sleep. [ a temporary reprieve at best, but it's all he can think of when he refuses to entertain alina's request. if it hurts him too, then it's a price he's willing to pay. one hand slides down her back, tracing the length of her spine with hard fingers, and he nearly kisses her again but diverts to press his lips beneath her ear instead, his teeth grazing the soft skin of her throat. ] Please. I can't keep holding it back.
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something wraps around his throat, something hot and real. something that isn't the monster, because he's starting to be able to distinguish the oily darkness of the way it feels from everything else. it's just enough to pull his head above water, and the world comes rushing back, alina's face suddenly in focus again while the black drains from his eyes. he doesn't want this thing anywhere near her. his mind races frantically, trying to cobble up some sort of plan. ]
You're asking me to let this thing take control? [ the sound that comes from his throat can't be entirely described as a laugh. he wants to pull away from her, but his feet feel leaden, too heavy to move. ] No. It could kill you, Alina.
[ even as the words leave his mouth he knows they're not true. the monster would never do that. the feelings tangled through him aren't those of hatred or death. it's a longing ache, a desperate want, and that's what scares him the most. that he won't be able to keep those feelings at bay, that he isn't strong enough to resist this pull. ]
Hurt it. Put it to sleep. [ a temporary reprieve at best, but it's all he can think of when he refuses to entertain alina's request. if it hurts him too, then it's a price he's willing to pay. one hand slides down her back, tracing the length of her spine with hard fingers, and he nearly kisses her again but diverts to press his lips beneath her ear instead, his teeth grazing the soft skin of her throat. ] Please. I can't keep holding it back.