[ he's not so foolish to think that this will resolve anything or even to attach a weighty meaning to it. it's far too easy to get caught up in this feeling where everything is honeyed warmth and intoxication, where all he wants to do is kiss alina more deeply and drop his hands to trace the curve of her waist through her silken gown. it shakes him how much he wants this, and it's in that moment that he realizes that it will hurt if alina rejects this. he will wed and produce an heir no matter what her answer may be, but the thought of seeking out another political alliance with far less of a chance of love or even friendship thoroughly depresses him.
with a soft sound their lips slowly part, but even then nikolai doesn't move too far away, content in the hazy circle of — whatever this is.
a real person. you. it's more than a fair request, though alina doesn't know how hard it will be to give her that. if he acted exactly how he felt, if he voiced every worry and doubt, if he didn't push and push and push for relentless optimism in the face of countless improbable situations, then no one would believe in him and certainly no one would follow him. he reserves that honesty for exactly no one, only allowing it to creep in when he's alone.
doubt clouds his thoughts even now that alina would even like the raw version of himself. he doesn't even particularly like who he is in solitude. silence hangs for a moment too long before his glib manner comes inching back like a golden shield, lifting their laced hands to press a kiss to alina's knuckles. ]
I am me. [ from his cross-legged position on the floor, he exaggerates a bow. ] It would be terribly concerning if I wasn't. Although — I mirror your sentiment. I would never ask you to change for me, either. If you wanted to throw all of the forks away, then the palace would just have to be forkless.
no subject
with a soft sound their lips slowly part, but even then nikolai doesn't move too far away, content in the hazy circle of — whatever this is.
a real person. you. it's more than a fair request, though alina doesn't know how hard it will be to give her that. if he acted exactly how he felt, if he voiced every worry and doubt, if he didn't push and push and push for relentless optimism in the face of countless improbable situations, then no one would believe in him and certainly no one would follow him. he reserves that honesty for exactly no one, only allowing it to creep in when he's alone.
doubt clouds his thoughts even now that alina would even like the raw version of himself. he doesn't even particularly like who he is in solitude. silence hangs for a moment too long before his glib manner comes inching back like a golden shield, lifting their laced hands to press a kiss to alina's knuckles. ]
I am me. [ from his cross-legged position on the floor, he exaggerates a bow. ] It would be terribly concerning if I wasn't. Although — I mirror your sentiment. I would never ask you to change for me, either. If you wanted to throw all of the forks away, then the palace would just have to be forkless.