an assertion i still find highly disturbing. i, at least, should be the exception. i've considered it in the past, and while i have a long list of highly valid reasons why i haven't, i will consider it once again. especially because of this. i know that it's gotten out of hand. independence is an admirable character trait that i, too, subscribe to, but sometimes it's nice to have someone else you can rely on to be there. i want to be that person for you. preferably without the slip-ups that make mal have to fill in for me. honestly, alina, you sound just like him. it's almost scary. his name was dominik. this is one of those very few and far between moments when i really wish you kept up with the tabloids so you'd already know this story.
[ he sends her an article then, several pages of elaborate text and paparazzi photographs detailing his romance with dominik. they'd met at a horse race the summer before nikolai began college — dominik was tending to one of the horses and nikolai was only there to appease his mother. after that they were frequently spotted around town and at lavish events, their privacy practically nonexistent. the pictures are charming despite being ill-gotten, the two of them wearing smiles, sharing a meal, going on horseback rides, sailing on nikolai's boat.
it seemed like the perfect romance, the article boasts, until suddenly life took a sharp turn for the two lovers. the public photographs became fewer and further between, and nikolai started showing up to family engagements alone. the few photos the paparazzi did manage to get were strained, the two of them tense and unhappy. there was much speculation — infidelity, financial disagreements, family disapproval — though nothing was able to be confirmed. then, a year and a half after they'd met, dominik died in a car accident driving to see nikolai during winter break. the photos of the funeral have since been redacted, but once they were released, it had been impossible to be rid of them completely. they're raw and intrusive, and nikolai doesn't want to look at them even now, but he wants alina to know all of it. ]
the missing parts are that dominik was incredibly unhappy being in the public eye. he wanted to be with me and not the rest of the world. he said he had no idea what he was signing up for when he fell in love with me. that i should have told him what it would be like. and he was right. i should have. but i was selfish and in love and didn't want him to have second thoughts. we were so happy until we weren't. my family made his life hell every time i brought him home. he said he couldn't do normal things anymore without people following him for photographs. he wanted to leave but said he was too in love with me to go. i should have been the one to let him go. but i didn't want to. it was the first time i'd ever loved someone like that, and i didn't want it to end even when we became desperately unhappy together. we went abroad for a bit to try and patch things up. then aleksander happened, and that's when this obsession started. things got even worse for us. i would spend weeks at a time trying to catch aleksander at his own game. i lost so much time i could've spent with dominik.
he died a few days before christmas. before we could break up. before we could try again. before i could tell him he was more important than revenge and that i would stop all of it if it would make him happy. looking back, i know there was nothing that could have saved us. love was never our problem. our lives were diametrically opposed and everything about mine was suffocating him.
he's the reason i'm hesitant. i ruined his life. i know you're going to say i didn't, but i did. i could have set him free, i could've done the right thing despite how much it would hurt, but i chose not to. i chose to be selfish because i loved him far too much to let him go. my worst fear is that i'm going to come into your life and leave it in ruins. that i'll make you unhappy just by knowing me. that if the day comes that we no longer fit together, that i won't be able to do the right thing and let you go. i can't bear the thought of doing what i did to him to anyone else.
no subject
i've considered it in the past, and while i have a long list of highly valid reasons why i haven't, i will consider it once again. especially because of this. i know that it's gotten out of hand.
independence is an admirable character trait that i, too, subscribe to, but sometimes it's nice to have someone else you can rely on to be there. i want to be that person for you. preferably without the slip-ups that make mal have to fill in for me.
honestly, alina, you sound just like him. it's almost scary.
his name was dominik. this is one of those very few and far between moments when i really wish you kept up with the tabloids so you'd already know this story.
[ he sends her an article then, several pages of elaborate text and paparazzi photographs detailing his romance with dominik. they'd met at a horse race the summer before nikolai began college — dominik was tending to one of the horses and nikolai was only there to appease his mother. after that they were frequently spotted around town and at lavish events, their privacy practically nonexistent. the pictures are charming despite being ill-gotten, the two of them wearing smiles, sharing a meal, going on horseback rides, sailing on nikolai's boat.
it seemed like the perfect romance, the article boasts, until suddenly life took a sharp turn for the two lovers. the public photographs became fewer and further between, and nikolai started showing up to family engagements alone. the few photos the paparazzi did manage to get were strained, the two of them tense and unhappy. there was much speculation — infidelity, financial disagreements, family disapproval — though nothing was able to be confirmed. then, a year and a half after they'd met, dominik died in a car accident driving to see nikolai during winter break. the photos of the funeral have since been redacted, but once they were released, it had been impossible to be rid of them completely. they're raw and intrusive, and nikolai doesn't want to look at them even now, but he wants alina to know all of it. ]
the missing parts are that dominik was incredibly unhappy being in the public eye. he wanted to be with me and not the rest of the world. he said he had no idea what he was signing up for when he fell in love with me. that i should have told him what it would be like.
and he was right. i should have. but i was selfish and in love and didn't want him to have second thoughts.
we were so happy until we weren't. my family made his life hell every time i brought him home. he said he couldn't do normal things anymore without people following him for photographs. he wanted to leave but said he was too in love with me to go.
i should have been the one to let him go. but i didn't want to. it was the first time i'd ever loved someone like that, and i didn't want it to end even when we became desperately unhappy together.
we went abroad for a bit to try and patch things up. then aleksander happened, and that's when this obsession started. things got even worse for us. i would spend weeks at a time trying to catch aleksander at his own game. i lost so much time i could've spent with dominik.
he died a few days before christmas. before we could break up. before we could try again. before i could tell him he was more important than revenge and that i would stop all of it if it would make him happy. looking back, i know there was nothing that could have saved us. love was never our problem. our lives were diametrically opposed and everything about mine was suffocating him.
he's the reason i'm hesitant. i ruined his life. i know you're going to say i didn't, but i did. i could have set him free, i could've done the right thing despite how much it would hurt, but i chose not to. i chose to be selfish because i loved him far too much to let him go.
my worst fear is that i'm going to come into your life and leave it in ruins. that i'll make you unhappy just by knowing me. that if the day comes that we no longer fit together, that i won't be able to do the right thing and let you go.
i can't bear the thought of doing what i did to him to anyone else.