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[ he covers his face with one hand both to stifle a laugh and to get the image of alina's tits out of his brain. not while his mother is still standing in the doorway, telling him to get his feet off the throw pillows. ]
thank you for thinking of my mother's stony heart.
that's the mark of a true friend.
what is your criteria for sending those types of pictures, may i ask?
for curiosity's sake.
it wouldn't accomplish much. i'm an excellent swimmer and a lover of all things nautical.
with zoya and i covered, it's only fair if you share your methods as well. and mal's, i suppose. i should collect some intel on that front, shouldn't i? for the sake of being an excellent friend.
i'm still interested in scribbling. i'll just take one of vasily's portraits off the wall. would you prefer a photograph or a painting? we have both. and yes, i'm aware of how bourgeoise that also sounds.
i'll find some way to make amends for who i am.
thank you for thinking of my mother's stony heart.
that's the mark of a true friend.
what is your criteria for sending those types of pictures, may i ask?
for curiosity's sake.
it wouldn't accomplish much. i'm an excellent swimmer and a lover of all things nautical.
with zoya and i covered, it's only fair if you share your methods as well. and mal's, i suppose. i should collect some intel on that front, shouldn't i? for the sake of being an excellent friend.
i'm still interested in scribbling. i'll just take one of vasily's portraits off the wall. would you prefer a photograph or a painting? we have both. and yes, i'm aware of how bourgeoise that also sounds.
i'll find some way to make amends for who i am.
it's mostly for your sake. so she doesn't either keel over or throttle you for how scandalizing it is.
my criteria is a nicely worded request from someone i want to see my tits. does that satisfy your curiosity, nikolai?
[ "boldly dangerous flirting" should likely not be allowed in the presence of mothers, either, but. here she is. ]
well, i'm not looking to drown you to death.
just a little flailing and embarrassment on your part would do, but i bet you look annoyingly good even when you've been half-drowned.
you've seen mal's coping methods, by the way. mine are more along the lines of "pretend this isn't happening until i eventually have a mental breakdown".
or i just work on my art. depends on the day, but it's calming.
that's so bourgeoise that it turned me into a marxist. can you take both? i need to take out my frustrations.
also, i'd like to practice punching him before i do it in person.
my criteria is a nicely worded request from someone i want to see my tits. does that satisfy your curiosity, nikolai?
[ "boldly dangerous flirting" should likely not be allowed in the presence of mothers, either, but. here she is. ]
well, i'm not looking to drown you to death.
just a little flailing and embarrassment on your part would do, but i bet you look annoyingly good even when you've been half-drowned.
you've seen mal's coping methods, by the way. mine are more along the lines of "pretend this isn't happening until i eventually have a mental breakdown".
or i just work on my art. depends on the day, but it's calming.
that's so bourgeoise that it turned me into a marxist. can you take both? i need to take out my frustrations.
also, i'd like to practice punching him before i do it in person.
somewhat satisfied.
no promises i won't bring it up later, though.
[ he has never asked for those types of pictures from anyone in his life. let him process this new possibility. ]
i do look annoyingly good half-drowned.
in any state, really. it's a difficult burden to bear, but bear it i must.
so brawling and kissing are his coping mechanisms.
i hate to say it, but zoya might actually be onto something with him. i hope that doesn't mean seeing him will become a daily occurrence of mine.
i like your methods better. they're a bit more relatable.
personally, i would prefer if you never met vasily at all.
i can't imagine he'd enrich your life in any way.
that's not to say i don't want you to meet my family, but i think i'd like to prepare you for that particular horror a bit longer, first.
no promises i won't bring it up later, though.
[ he has never asked for those types of pictures from anyone in his life. let him process this new possibility. ]
i do look annoyingly good half-drowned.
in any state, really. it's a difficult burden to bear, but bear it i must.
so brawling and kissing are his coping mechanisms.
i hate to say it, but zoya might actually be onto something with him. i hope that doesn't mean seeing him will become a daily occurrence of mine.
i like your methods better. they're a bit more relatable.
personally, i would prefer if you never met vasily at all.
i can't imagine he'd enrich your life in any way.
that's not to say i don't want you to meet my family, but i think i'd like to prepare you for that particular horror a bit longer, first.
[ briefly, he finds himself holding his breath as he waits for her to reply, schooling his features back to something more neutral and relaxing his shoulders without ruining his pose too much. he's blinking back the sunlight spilling over his face when she speaks again, his gaze gravitating back to her. it sounds like an apology, but as far as he's concerned, it's an unnecessary one. ]
Mal was looking out for you. Who am I to fault him for filling your head with tales of me? I imagine I occupy quite a bit of space in most people's minds. [ he grins again at the nickname, suddenly feeling like a child once more. ] Honestly, Alina, you'd be surprised. The type of novelty I am can only be fully handled by a select group of remarkable people. I choose to take that as a compliment to my exquisite and unique personality, but trust me when I say there have been many a despairing day in the Lantsov household over my particular brand of difficult.
[ it made for a frustrating and lonely boyhood — until dominik. and he feels that same sense of companionship here, with alina, where he dares to believe that she can not only understand him, but perhaps even enjoys the particular oddities of his friendship. ]
Sobachka. That was my nickname growing up. It means puppy. I dare say you have me entirely figured out. [ his grin widens around a chuckle. ] My mother hated it. Said it made me sound like a mongrel. I hope you're noticing the trend of things my family hates but I enjoy. When can I see this painting? I think I deserve a peek.
Mal was looking out for you. Who am I to fault him for filling your head with tales of me? I imagine I occupy quite a bit of space in most people's minds. [ he grins again at the nickname, suddenly feeling like a child once more. ] Honestly, Alina, you'd be surprised. The type of novelty I am can only be fully handled by a select group of remarkable people. I choose to take that as a compliment to my exquisite and unique personality, but trust me when I say there have been many a despairing day in the Lantsov household over my particular brand of difficult.
[ it made for a frustrating and lonely boyhood — until dominik. and he feels that same sense of companionship here, with alina, where he dares to believe that she can not only understand him, but perhaps even enjoys the particular oddities of his friendship. ]
Sobachka. That was my nickname growing up. It means puppy. I dare say you have me entirely figured out. [ his grin widens around a chuckle. ] My mother hated it. Said it made me sound like a mongrel. I hope you're noticing the trend of things my family hates but I enjoy. When can I see this painting? I think I deserve a peek.
i thought were a """"""gentleman"""""""" who doesn't bring up ungentlemanly things.
in your own words, not mine.
[ yes, the sheer number of quotation marks is necessary to indicate how unbelievable that claim is. ]
you know, i always forget why i shouldn't compliment you, and then you remind me again. how does your head even fit on your shoulders?
i get it - you and mal don't like each other. for whatever stupid reasons.
anyway, it sounds more like you're preparing yourself for that horror.
last i checked, i'm not a stripper or cocaine, so i'm safe in your brother's presence.
in your own words, not mine.
[ yes, the sheer number of quotation marks is necessary to indicate how unbelievable that claim is. ]
you know, i always forget why i shouldn't compliment you, and then you remind me again. how does your head even fit on your shoulders?
i get it - you and mal don't like each other. for whatever stupid reasons.
anyway, it sounds more like you're preparing yourself for that horror.
last i checked, i'm not a stripper or cocaine, so i'm safe in your brother's presence.
Convince me you deserve to see it.
[ the challenging arch to her eyebrow distracts her from the sudden, skittish stutter of her pulse. she isn't quite ready to let nikolai's perceptive eyes analyze her work for fear of what he may find of her own secrets hidden away in every brushstroke, the raw truths it could expose — the complex emotions he stirs in her, and the way she sees him, chief among them.
it's a far cry from the demeaning words he uses to define himself, as though he's collected every insult given to him and kept it close. difficult. mongrel. bastard. it challenges what she thought she knew of him, of the overly confident aura he projects. the twinkle of humor drains from her eyes as her chest constricts with a pang of sympathy, left to wonder if so very few people have reminded him that he has value beyond his namesake. ]
That's a cruel thing for someone to say about their own child, by the way. You must be the only good thing that ever came out of the Lantsov household. [ it's impossible to miss the angry pinch to her mouth, the tightness in her jaw, as she stands and crosses the room in just a few strides. ] If you were wondering, you're the right kind of difficult for me.
[ a few stray strands of silver spill into her eyes when she bends to wrap her fingers around the nape of his neck. she won't admit to either of them that it's only an excuse to touch him under the guise of gauging his comfort after maintaining one pose for so long, kneading firm fingertips into the muscle there in search of knots. ]
Sobachka. Did they try to send you to obedience training? [ for his sake, she attempts a half-hearted, teasing smile. ] I hear that's what they do with puppies, especially the difficult ones.
[ the challenging arch to her eyebrow distracts her from the sudden, skittish stutter of her pulse. she isn't quite ready to let nikolai's perceptive eyes analyze her work for fear of what he may find of her own secrets hidden away in every brushstroke, the raw truths it could expose — the complex emotions he stirs in her, and the way she sees him, chief among them.
it's a far cry from the demeaning words he uses to define himself, as though he's collected every insult given to him and kept it close. difficult. mongrel. bastard. it challenges what she thought she knew of him, of the overly confident aura he projects. the twinkle of humor drains from her eyes as her chest constricts with a pang of sympathy, left to wonder if so very few people have reminded him that he has value beyond his namesake. ]
That's a cruel thing for someone to say about their own child, by the way. You must be the only good thing that ever came out of the Lantsov household. [ it's impossible to miss the angry pinch to her mouth, the tightness in her jaw, as she stands and crosses the room in just a few strides. ] If you were wondering, you're the right kind of difficult for me.
[ a few stray strands of silver spill into her eyes when she bends to wrap her fingers around the nape of his neck. she won't admit to either of them that it's only an excuse to touch him under the guise of gauging his comfort after maintaining one pose for so long, kneading firm fingertips into the muscle there in search of knots. ]
Sobachka. Did they try to send you to obedience training? [ for his sake, she attempts a half-hearted, teasing smile. ] I hear that's what they do with puppies, especially the difficult ones.
i promise i won't bring it up until i find someone you want to hear it from.
do you think my head is too big for my shoulders?
i think the proportions are just right.
correction: mal doesn't like me, likely because i'm clever and handsome and several other things he might not be. i, on the other hand, am very forgiving despite the physical damage to my property.
you might be right. i'm not ready to face another family dinner just yet.
he also likes humiliating people. namely me, and by extension, you, but i'm incredibly difficult to humiliate, so that just leaves you.
i might go punch him right now just for making me think about this.
do you think my head is too big for my shoulders?
i think the proportions are just right.
correction: mal doesn't like me, likely because i'm clever and handsome and several other things he might not be. i, on the other hand, am very forgiving despite the physical damage to my property.
you might be right. i'm not ready to face another family dinner just yet.
he also likes humiliating people. namely me, and by extension, you, but i'm incredibly difficult to humiliate, so that just leaves you.
i might go punch him right now just for making me think about this.
for someone that says they're so clever, you're either dense or just pretending to be.
it's INCREDIBLY frustrating, just so you know.
it's so very mature of you to dislike him just because he doesn't like you. you're being a big baby.
besides, you have working eyeballs. don't try to pretend mal isn't handsome.
as attractive as punching vasily would make you, i have a better solution to your family dinners.
run away from home and come back here.
it's INCREDIBLY frustrating, just so you know.
it's so very mature of you to dislike him just because he doesn't like you. you're being a big baby.
besides, you have working eyeballs. don't try to pretend mal isn't handsome.
as attractive as punching vasily would make you, i have a better solution to your family dinners.
run away from home and come back here.
i believe i warned you at the start that i can be rather vexing.
but i'm still so enjoyable despite it.
i don't dislike mal. i find his brutish behavior to be a big hit with the crowd.
everyone seems to love him, but rest assured they love me more. i have the advantage of being an excellent host.
do you find mal handsome? more handsome than me?
it almost sounds like you miss me.
but i'm still so enjoyable despite it.
i don't dislike mal. i find his brutish behavior to be a big hit with the crowd.
everyone seems to love him, but rest assured they love me more. i have the advantage of being an excellent host.
do you find mal handsome? more handsome than me?
it almost sounds like you miss me.
is that a natural talent, or did you work on it over the years?
maybe you should send me zoya's number. i think she might appreciate my pictures more.
saying you don't dislike him while you insult him is the opposite of convincing, nikolai.
if i didn't know any better, i'd say you sound threatened. insecure, even.
you're both extremely handsome in different ways. i'm giving you that cheap answer as a punishment for being vexing.
if i admit i miss you, are you going to plan a daring escape?
maybe you should send me zoya's number. i think she might appreciate my pictures more.
saying you don't dislike him while you insult him is the opposite of convincing, nikolai.
if i didn't know any better, i'd say you sound threatened. insecure, even.
you're both extremely handsome in different ways. i'm giving you that cheap answer as a punishment for being vexing.
if i admit i miss you, are you going to plan a daring escape?
natural. i'm gifted.
now that's just not fair. zoya can't have both you and mal.
that would be incredibly damaging to my pride, although i would still be very happy for my friend for getting everything she wants in life.
but i have to ask — at what cost?
the price is too high. i'm wealthy, but i'm not super villain levels of wealthy.
of mal? please. this conversation keeps taking riotous turns.
insecurity doesn't suit me. it matches poorly with my wardrobe.
besides, i'm happy to allow him to keep the title of having the thickest skull.
an escape would be for the best. if i stay, i'll end up drinking again to sweeten my disposition, and tomorrow will be as awful as today.
and i also miss you.
now that's just not fair. zoya can't have both you and mal.
that would be incredibly damaging to my pride, although i would still be very happy for my friend for getting everything she wants in life.
but i have to ask — at what cost?
the price is too high. i'm wealthy, but i'm not super villain levels of wealthy.
of mal? please. this conversation keeps taking riotous turns.
insecurity doesn't suit me. it matches poorly with my wardrobe.
besides, i'm happy to allow him to keep the title of having the thickest skull.
an escape would be for the best. if i stay, i'll end up drinking again to sweeten my disposition, and tomorrow will be as awful as today.
and i also miss you.
Edited (words!!!!!!!!!!) 2021-01-12 05:25 (UTC)
don't blame zoya. you brought this on yourself.
i'm not confident in my ability to steal her from mal, though.
why do rich people always assume everything comes with a price?
you're protesting a little too much to be believable, which means i'm right.
your insecurity is almost cute, puppy. mostly it's just ridiculous.
good. i was afraid that you would think i was needy, and then i'd have to avoid you and pretend i never said anything.
consider yourself saved from riveting conservations about what wine pairs best with what cheese.
i'm not confident in my ability to steal her from mal, though.
why do rich people always assume everything comes with a price?
you're protesting a little too much to be believable, which means i'm right.
your insecurity is almost cute, puppy. mostly it's just ridiculous.
good. i was afraid that you would think i was needy, and then i'd have to avoid you and pretend i never said anything.
consider yourself saved from riveting conservations about what wine pairs best with what cheese.
between you and mal? the choice is clear to me.
it's like choosing between the stars and the mud.
i don't know. i've never been anything other than rich.
it's pure luck, really.
what's ridiculous is the thought of me having insecurities.
on the contrary, alina. i like to feel needed.
you've actually saved me from something much worse. my father wants me to switch my major to business.
pre-law isn't prestigious enough, apparently.
i owe you. i'll bring you a gift.
it's like choosing between the stars and the mud.
i don't know. i've never been anything other than rich.
it's pure luck, really.
what's ridiculous is the thought of me having insecurities.
on the contrary, alina. i like to feel needed.
you've actually saved me from something much worse. my father wants me to switch my major to business.
pre-law isn't prestigious enough, apparently.
i owe you. i'll bring you a gift.
i must be the mud in this scenario. (see how annoying it is when i’m vexing on purpose?)
for someone in pre-law, you’re doing a terrible job convincing me.
well, i don’t just need you here. i want you here.
are you going to listen to him? because you shouldn’t.
you don’t need to bring me anything, by the way. your company is enough.
for someone in pre-law, you’re doing a terrible job convincing me.
well, i don’t just need you here. i want you here.
are you going to listen to him? because you shouldn’t.
you don’t need to bring me anything, by the way. your company is enough.
oh, yes.
i always meant to give him the name starlight instead of you.
i also like to feel wanted.
and i have no intention of listening to him. i quite enjoy my studies.
if anything i would add engineering and be a double major instead.
my company is quite the gift on its own, isn't it?
still, i'm bringing you something anyway.
i might be nabbing a bottle of cristal for us to share as well.
i always meant to give him the name starlight instead of you.
i also like to feel wanted.
and i have no intention of listening to him. i quite enjoy my studies.
if anything i would add engineering and be a double major instead.
my company is quite the gift on its own, isn't it?
still, i'm bringing you something anyway.
i might be nabbing a bottle of cristal for us to share as well.
i knew it. all of your insults about mal are just to cover up your real feelings about him.
i’m going to cry myself to sleep about it tonight.
why don’t you? it sounds like that’s your real passion, nikolai.
and you deserve to do at least one thing that makes you happy.
maybe you should borrow david from genya one day. inventions are all he talks about, when he does decide to talk.
you’re incorrigible.
i’ll accept seeing the sunrise from your pretentious veranda as my gift.
i’m going to cry myself to sleep about it tonight.
why don’t you? it sounds like that’s your real passion, nikolai.
and you deserve to do at least one thing that makes you happy.
maybe you should borrow david from genya one day. inventions are all he talks about, when he does decide to talk.
you’re incorrigible.
i’ll accept seeing the sunrise from your pretentious veranda as my gift.
[ it's a bad habit to dwell on all the ways he finds himself falling short, but dwell he does. making light of it helps, but alina has already proven to be a bit too perceptive, so perhaps he needs to temper that habit as well. he smiles up at her when she comes over, raising his brows at the obvious displeasure on her face. ]
I should stop leaving out the good parts before your opinion of us is irrevocably tarnished. [ he'll need time to think of the good parts first. ] She was just sensitive about the rumors of my birthright, is all. I don't think she enjoyed being reminded of my biological father. Whether it was because she loved him or hated him, I doubt I'll ever know.
[ her fingers curl around his neck while he pulls in a quiet breath of air, meeting her eyes as her figure blocks the sunlight, the sudden shade cool against his skin. he keeps still despite how his fingers itch to tuck the fallen strands of her hair back behind her ear, imagining his fingertips grazing the curve of her cheek down to the slope of her jaw. it occurs to him suddenly — as his heartbeat chases the feeling — that he wants to kiss her. or at least he's curious about the idea of kissing her.
it would be easy to move into this quickly like he does every now and again with the background noise of a too-loud party shut away behind his bedroom door, but this isn't like that. there's no expectation there, nothing beyond finding happiness in a bottle and a fleeting pair of lips. it's relieving, even, to know that it's nothing, because the hard part comes when it is something. something fragile and new, a rosebud easily crushed by a careless hand. something that needs protection from the swarming chaos that circles his life.
this is something. the sun is out of his eyes, instead illuminating the space behind alina to give her a halo, and for a moment he thinks maybe it doesn't have to be hard. she's within reach, her fingers pressing against the top of his spine. he could pull her close and meet her lips halfway there. he could close his eyes and happily drown himself in her. he could do any number of things if only he could stop being reminded of what happened the last time he allowed himself to fall hard for someone.
he blinks and feels a jab of panic that he quickly tamps down, knowing that if he entertains it and allows it to fester that he won't be able to get through the rest of this afternoon. leaning forward, he curls his lips into a self-assured grin, ignoring how quickly he remembers that alina inspects the authenticity of his smiles with the precision of a jeweler appraising a stone. ]
I deserve to see it because clearly I've mastered all of my obedience lessons. [ he pushes to his feet, swinging an arm around her shoulders as he steers her back to the easel, setting his knuckles against his mouth as he examines the canvas in silence for several long moments. his consideration is genuine, seemingly lost in thought, his eyes never leaving the easel. ]
How did you know? [ he breaks the quiet in a soft tone, his arm still resting easily around her as he tilts his head to regard the painting. ] Blue and gold are my favorite colors.
I should stop leaving out the good parts before your opinion of us is irrevocably tarnished. [ he'll need time to think of the good parts first. ] She was just sensitive about the rumors of my birthright, is all. I don't think she enjoyed being reminded of my biological father. Whether it was because she loved him or hated him, I doubt I'll ever know.
[ her fingers curl around his neck while he pulls in a quiet breath of air, meeting her eyes as her figure blocks the sunlight, the sudden shade cool against his skin. he keeps still despite how his fingers itch to tuck the fallen strands of her hair back behind her ear, imagining his fingertips grazing the curve of her cheek down to the slope of her jaw. it occurs to him suddenly — as his heartbeat chases the feeling — that he wants to kiss her. or at least he's curious about the idea of kissing her.
it would be easy to move into this quickly like he does every now and again with the background noise of a too-loud party shut away behind his bedroom door, but this isn't like that. there's no expectation there, nothing beyond finding happiness in a bottle and a fleeting pair of lips. it's relieving, even, to know that it's nothing, because the hard part comes when it is something. something fragile and new, a rosebud easily crushed by a careless hand. something that needs protection from the swarming chaos that circles his life.
this is something. the sun is out of his eyes, instead illuminating the space behind alina to give her a halo, and for a moment he thinks maybe it doesn't have to be hard. she's within reach, her fingers pressing against the top of his spine. he could pull her close and meet her lips halfway there. he could close his eyes and happily drown himself in her. he could do any number of things if only he could stop being reminded of what happened the last time he allowed himself to fall hard for someone.
he blinks and feels a jab of panic that he quickly tamps down, knowing that if he entertains it and allows it to fester that he won't be able to get through the rest of this afternoon. leaning forward, he curls his lips into a self-assured grin, ignoring how quickly he remembers that alina inspects the authenticity of his smiles with the precision of a jeweler appraising a stone. ]
I deserve to see it because clearly I've mastered all of my obedience lessons. [ he pushes to his feet, swinging an arm around her shoulders as he steers her back to the easel, setting his knuckles against his mouth as he examines the canvas in silence for several long moments. his consideration is genuine, seemingly lost in thought, his eyes never leaving the easel. ]
How did you know? [ he breaks the quiet in a soft tone, his arm still resting easily around her as he tilts his head to regard the painting. ] Blue and gold are my favorite colors.
[ it's there and gone in the blink of nikolai's eye: that charged air that buzzes with possibility, as though they're standing on the precipice of something. she waits for the fall to come, that inevitable drop that sends them plummeting into something new without ever knowing where they'll land. the breath expels from her lungs in a rush when it never comes, uncertain if it's disappointment or relief that knots her stomach — or some tangle of both.
whatever it is, it reminds her of a shooting star too fleeting to pin her hopes on. she hates that their smiles are mirrors of each other as the moment shatters, never quite sparking in their eyes. if there's anything she dreads, it's that aspect of performance that reminds her of aleksander's cold eyes, the kindness he had worn as a veil to disguise the darkness beneath. her gaze is sharper, now, from having learned that agonizing lesson. watchful and cutting, like an animal capable of detecting a predator from sight and sound alone before it can come too close.
her own expression leaves nothing to the imagination as he leads her away, too much a reflection of her talent for blunt honesty as she wears her nerves openly in the violent flush that overtakes her. not for the first time, she envies nikolai's ability to compose himself, like a puppeteer pulling at his own strings, when she is so used to fumbling with the masks she wears in daily life — as if she isn't aware she's stumbling through the disaster she's made of it, as if there aren't days where she begins to fray and unravel at the seams while navigating the business and bullshit and backstabbing of a world she aches to escape.
momentarily, she digs in her heels despite knowing it won't spare her from his curious assessment — and when that fails, she hastily resorts to shielding her burning face in nikolai's chest. only mal has ever witnessed the half-finished splashes of paint across a canvas, the imperfect lines she spends hours refining, and he is rarely so silent. that's the worst part, she thinks — that void of quiet that she wants to fill, to bite out a demand for him to say something and put her out of her misery, so she no longer has to wish for the ability to read his mind. ]
It isn't done, [ she mumbles, his shirt absorbing that defensive protest. true to her word, it isn't; it needs the finer details, but the ideas are there. the light that spills around his outline with reverence and grace that's reserved for sprawling cathedrals. the golden, ethereal glow around his silhouette like the sunlight casting its glare off of the sea, and the murkiness of the shadow he casts. her head shifts and tilts, propping her chin onto his shoulder to peer at him in the hopes that his eyes speak a language she can translate. ]
I made an educated guess. Do you remember when I told you that you remind me of the sea? [ her fingers search his collarbone to find and indicate the sea glass he had worn that first night, how poetically he had reminded her of open seas — crystal-bright and beautiful on the surface, hiding loneliness and secrets in its depths. a world wonder, just waiting to be explored. ] Do you hate it? You can tell me if you do. I can handle it.
whatever it is, it reminds her of a shooting star too fleeting to pin her hopes on. she hates that their smiles are mirrors of each other as the moment shatters, never quite sparking in their eyes. if there's anything she dreads, it's that aspect of performance that reminds her of aleksander's cold eyes, the kindness he had worn as a veil to disguise the darkness beneath. her gaze is sharper, now, from having learned that agonizing lesson. watchful and cutting, like an animal capable of detecting a predator from sight and sound alone before it can come too close.
her own expression leaves nothing to the imagination as he leads her away, too much a reflection of her talent for blunt honesty as she wears her nerves openly in the violent flush that overtakes her. not for the first time, she envies nikolai's ability to compose himself, like a puppeteer pulling at his own strings, when she is so used to fumbling with the masks she wears in daily life — as if she isn't aware she's stumbling through the disaster she's made of it, as if there aren't days where she begins to fray and unravel at the seams while navigating the business and bullshit and backstabbing of a world she aches to escape.
momentarily, she digs in her heels despite knowing it won't spare her from his curious assessment — and when that fails, she hastily resorts to shielding her burning face in nikolai's chest. only mal has ever witnessed the half-finished splashes of paint across a canvas, the imperfect lines she spends hours refining, and he is rarely so silent. that's the worst part, she thinks — that void of quiet that she wants to fill, to bite out a demand for him to say something and put her out of her misery, so she no longer has to wish for the ability to read his mind. ]
It isn't done, [ she mumbles, his shirt absorbing that defensive protest. true to her word, it isn't; it needs the finer details, but the ideas are there. the light that spills around his outline with reverence and grace that's reserved for sprawling cathedrals. the golden, ethereal glow around his silhouette like the sunlight casting its glare off of the sea, and the murkiness of the shadow he casts. her head shifts and tilts, propping her chin onto his shoulder to peer at him in the hopes that his eyes speak a language she can translate. ]
I made an educated guess. Do you remember when I told you that you remind me of the sea? [ her fingers search his collarbone to find and indicate the sea glass he had worn that first night, how poetically he had reminded her of open seas — crystal-bright and beautiful on the surface, hiding loneliness and secrets in its depths. a world wonder, just waiting to be explored. ] Do you hate it? You can tell me if you do. I can handle it.
Yes, I remember.
[ he remembers everything about their first encounter with startling clarity, perhaps because he's gone over it so many times in his head since then. the gold splatters of paint. the bound monster. the way she carelessly dismissed all of the stories coming out about vasily that night, likely not even realizing how much of a burden she'd lifted from his shoulders. the gilded bra, too, which he is not trying to dwell on.
her face is warm against his chest, the softness of her breath idly passing through the fabric of his shirt. he looks at her once she lifts her head, a shiver skittering across his skin when she fishes out his necklace. the sea glass catches the sunlight, casting a burst of refracted light that dances briefly across the wall.
the snort that sounds in his throat is also genuine. ] Do I hate it? Alina, it's a painting of me. No one could ever hate this.
[ but even if it wasn't of him, he doesn't see how anyone could miss the beauty in her elegant brushstrokes, the juxtaposition of shadow and light, the delicate lines of his own silhouette. there's no pretense in his admiration, for once no mask in place, his eyes glittering brightly. ]
I've never seen anyone render light like this. [ he slides his arm from her shoulders to draw his hand to her cheek, smiling. ] You are remarkably talented. Finished or not, I already like this better than any family portrait I've ever sat for. Don't doubt yourself, Alina. When you feel it creeping up, do what I do. Tell it to fuck off and say exactly the opposite of what it was trying to make you believe. I'm honored you asked me to be your subject.
[ he remembers everything about their first encounter with startling clarity, perhaps because he's gone over it so many times in his head since then. the gold splatters of paint. the bound monster. the way she carelessly dismissed all of the stories coming out about vasily that night, likely not even realizing how much of a burden she'd lifted from his shoulders. the gilded bra, too, which he is not trying to dwell on.
her face is warm against his chest, the softness of her breath idly passing through the fabric of his shirt. he looks at her once she lifts her head, a shiver skittering across his skin when she fishes out his necklace. the sea glass catches the sunlight, casting a burst of refracted light that dances briefly across the wall.
the snort that sounds in his throat is also genuine. ] Do I hate it? Alina, it's a painting of me. No one could ever hate this.
[ but even if it wasn't of him, he doesn't see how anyone could miss the beauty in her elegant brushstrokes, the juxtaposition of shadow and light, the delicate lines of his own silhouette. there's no pretense in his admiration, for once no mask in place, his eyes glittering brightly. ]
I've never seen anyone render light like this. [ he slides his arm from her shoulders to draw his hand to her cheek, smiling. ] You are remarkably talented. Finished or not, I already like this better than any family portrait I've ever sat for. Don't doubt yourself, Alina. When you feel it creeping up, do what I do. Tell it to fuck off and say exactly the opposite of what it was trying to make you believe. I'm honored you asked me to be your subject.
You're biased.
[ the laughter that bubbles out of her is effervescent in its relief. she's never known mal to sweeten his words for the sake of sparing her feelings, but time has given them a degree of comfort with one another she doesn't share with nikolai. still an unfamiliar outsider to her in so many ways, still hovering on the outskirts of the life she's built for herself, and allowing him to enter it —
it's a lengthy, laborious process to struggle with — that desire to be seen, while simultaneously dreading what he may discover. it hands him the same power she had offered aleksander, the very choice that had nearly unmade her in some ways. perhaps it's another betrayal to resent, the gift he's left her with: stripping her of what trust she had left in the world around her. rattling her faith to ensure she would never find comfort in another soul, too afraid of being measured and given the verdict of not good enough.
it's a show of trust, however small, that she instinctively leans into the warm press of nikolai's palm and the faint callouses that slide across her skin — still vividly bright, despite the dampening of her anxiety — and gives herself permission to believe him. her eyes drift closed, crinkling from the bright wattage of the smile dimpling the corners of her mouth. ]
I'm good at telling most things to fuck off, but ... [ but. but this is a piece of herself she's nurtured since childhood, sentimental and precious to her. ] It's not just a painting of you. I've put part of myself into every piece of artwork I've ever made. Maybe I'm just afraid people will see me for who I am and decide they can't stand what they've found.
[ idly, her fingers wrap around the chain dangling from his neck, fiddling with the pendant attached, before she finally meets his eyes. it's a dangerous decision; they seem to gleam, a glow cast across a forest of green, and if she dwells on defying her doubt — she might make the mistake of throwing caution to the wind. ]
Will you keep it once it's finished? You'll have an Alina Starkov original, and hopefully something that reminds you of me.
[ the laughter that bubbles out of her is effervescent in its relief. she's never known mal to sweeten his words for the sake of sparing her feelings, but time has given them a degree of comfort with one another she doesn't share with nikolai. still an unfamiliar outsider to her in so many ways, still hovering on the outskirts of the life she's built for herself, and allowing him to enter it —
it's a lengthy, laborious process to struggle with — that desire to be seen, while simultaneously dreading what he may discover. it hands him the same power she had offered aleksander, the very choice that had nearly unmade her in some ways. perhaps it's another betrayal to resent, the gift he's left her with: stripping her of what trust she had left in the world around her. rattling her faith to ensure she would never find comfort in another soul, too afraid of being measured and given the verdict of not good enough.
it's a show of trust, however small, that she instinctively leans into the warm press of nikolai's palm and the faint callouses that slide across her skin — still vividly bright, despite the dampening of her anxiety — and gives herself permission to believe him. her eyes drift closed, crinkling from the bright wattage of the smile dimpling the corners of her mouth. ]
I'm good at telling most things to fuck off, but ... [ but. but this is a piece of herself she's nurtured since childhood, sentimental and precious to her. ] It's not just a painting of you. I've put part of myself into every piece of artwork I've ever made. Maybe I'm just afraid people will see me for who I am and decide they can't stand what they've found.
[ idly, her fingers wrap around the chain dangling from his neck, fiddling with the pendant attached, before she finally meets his eyes. it's a dangerous decision; they seem to gleam, a glow cast across a forest of green, and if she dwells on defying her doubt — she might make the mistake of throwing caution to the wind. ]
Will you keep it once it's finished? You'll have an Alina Starkov original, and hopefully something that reminds you of me.
Edited 2021-01-13 08:04 (UTC)
you've finally found me out.
i am passionate about making things explode.
are you worried about my happiness?
he sounds lovely. will you invite him to my winter nonsense party? although if you're right, i might just abandon you for him.
your life will be forever changed, i promise. everyone needs a veranda.
i won't be home for a bit, but i'll make it before dawn.
can i steal you away?
i am passionate about making things explode.
are you worried about my happiness?
he sounds lovely. will you invite him to my winter nonsense party? although if you're right, i might just abandon you for him.
your life will be forever changed, i promise. everyone needs a veranda.
i won't be home for a bit, but i'll make it before dawn.
can i steal you away?
is that why you're always harassing me? you're just waiting for my head to explode?
you can't answer my question with a question. it's against the rules. so i'll ask again: why don't you?
i'll bring him, but i'm not worried about being abandoned for him. i might not be able to compete with mal, but i can definitely compete with david.
you can steal me away. you can do whatever you want with me so long as you get out of there.
it's not really stealing me away if i give you permission, though. it's just mutual kidnapping.
you can't answer my question with a question. it's against the rules. so i'll ask again: why don't you?
i'll bring him, but i'm not worried about being abandoned for him. i might not be able to compete with mal, but i can definitely compete with david.
you can steal me away. you can do whatever you want with me so long as you get out of there.
it's not really stealing me away if i give you permission, though. it's just mutual kidnapping.
things, alina. not people.
if you must have the truth, it's because i find the curriculum a bit restricting for what i want to do.
i prefer to go off and pioneer by own way through trial and error.
for the record, i wouldn't actually abandon you. i'd make you sit through our discussion and then you'd wish you would've abandoned me instead.
whatever you want is quite a heavy statement.
what if that means i want to braid your hair and tie a little bow on it?
what's off limits?
if you must have the truth, it's because i find the curriculum a bit restricting for what i want to do.
i prefer to go off and pioneer by own way through trial and error.
for the record, i wouldn't actually abandon you. i'd make you sit through our discussion and then you'd wish you would've abandoned me instead.
whatever you want is quite a heavy statement.
what if that means i want to braid your hair and tie a little bow on it?
what's off limits?
that's a fancy way of calling yourself a mad scientist. mad engineer. whatever.
i could say it wouldn't hurt to just have the credentials, but you're a lantsov. you don't need the credentials to find someone willing to fund you.
i'll just spend that time catching up on my sleep until you two are finished. your floor better be comfortable.
do you even know how to braid hair? do you just leave bows lying around? i have a lot of questions.
just don't shave my head, involve me in any felonies, marry me off to your terrible brother, or murder me. those are fair limits, aren't they?
i could say it wouldn't hurt to just have the credentials, but you're a lantsov. you don't need the credentials to find someone willing to fund you.
i'll just spend that time catching up on my sleep until you two are finished. your floor better be comfortable.
do you even know how to braid hair? do you just leave bows lying around? i have a lot of questions.
just don't shave my head, involve me in any felonies, marry me off to your terrible brother, or murder me. those are fair limits, aren't they?
Edited 2021-01-16 05:13 (UTC)
i prefer visionary.
and i plan on charming my way into large sums of money.
please. i would offer you the couch in my study. i'm not a monster.
alina, have some faith in me. of course i know how to braid hair, and i have plenty of ribbon lying around from wrapping christmas gifts.
hm. of those limits i can promise not to do three of the four.
that's a fair majority, i think.
and i plan on charming my way into large sums of money.
please. i would offer you the couch in my study. i'm not a monster.
alina, have some faith in me. of course i know how to braid hair, and i have plenty of ribbon lying around from wrapping christmas gifts.
hm. of those limits i can promise not to do three of the four.
that's a fair majority, i think.
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