[ the laughter that bubbles out of her is effervescent in its relief. she's never known mal to sweeten his words for the sake of sparing her feelings, but time has given them a degree of comfort with one another she doesn't share with nikolai. still an unfamiliar outsider to her in so many ways, still hovering on the outskirts of the life she's built for herself, and allowing him to enter it —
it's a lengthy, laborious process to struggle with — that desire to be seen, while simultaneously dreading what he may discover. it hands him the same power she had offered aleksander, the very choice that had nearly unmade her in some ways. perhaps it's another betrayal to resent, the gift he's left her with: stripping her of what trust she had left in the world around her. rattling her faith to ensure she would never find comfort in another soul, too afraid of being measured and given the verdict of not good enough.
it's a show of trust, however small, that she instinctively leans into the warm press of nikolai's palm and the faint callouses that slide across her skin — still vividly bright, despite the dampening of her anxiety — and gives herself permission to believe him. her eyes drift closed, crinkling from the bright wattage of the smile dimpling the corners of her mouth. ]
I'm good at telling most things to fuck off, but ... [ but.but this is a piece of herself she's nurtured since childhood, sentimental and precious to her. ] It's not just a painting of you. I've put part of myself into every piece of artwork I've ever made. Maybe I'm just afraid people will see me for who I am and decide they can't stand what they've found.
[ idly, her fingers wrap around the chain dangling from his neck, fiddling with the pendant attached, before she finally meets his eyes. it's a dangerous decision; they seem to gleam, a glow cast across a forest of green, and if she dwells on defying her doubt — she might make the mistake of throwing caution to the wind. ]
Will you keep it once it's finished? You'll have an Alina Starkov original, and hopefully something that reminds you of me.
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[ the laughter that bubbles out of her is effervescent in its relief. she's never known mal to sweeten his words for the sake of sparing her feelings, but time has given them a degree of comfort with one another she doesn't share with nikolai. still an unfamiliar outsider to her in so many ways, still hovering on the outskirts of the life she's built for herself, and allowing him to enter it —
it's a lengthy, laborious process to struggle with — that desire to be seen, while simultaneously dreading what he may discover. it hands him the same power she had offered aleksander, the very choice that had nearly unmade her in some ways. perhaps it's another betrayal to resent, the gift he's left her with: stripping her of what trust she had left in the world around her. rattling her faith to ensure she would never find comfort in another soul, too afraid of being measured and given the verdict of not good enough.
it's a show of trust, however small, that she instinctively leans into the warm press of nikolai's palm and the faint callouses that slide across her skin — still vividly bright, despite the dampening of her anxiety — and gives herself permission to believe him. her eyes drift closed, crinkling from the bright wattage of the smile dimpling the corners of her mouth. ]
I'm good at telling most things to fuck off, but ... [ but. but this is a piece of herself she's nurtured since childhood, sentimental and precious to her. ] It's not just a painting of you. I've put part of myself into every piece of artwork I've ever made. Maybe I'm just afraid people will see me for who I am and decide they can't stand what they've found.
[ idly, her fingers wrap around the chain dangling from his neck, fiddling with the pendant attached, before she finally meets his eyes. it's a dangerous decision; they seem to gleam, a glow cast across a forest of green, and if she dwells on defying her doubt — she might make the mistake of throwing caution to the wind. ]
Will you keep it once it's finished? You'll have an Alina Starkov original, and hopefully something that reminds you of me.