[ it's too late to reconsider slipping back into the darkness of that memory and the despair that clouds it. still, she hesitates for a moment longer, before: ]
i tried to kill us both - the darkling and i. and i would have succeeded if mal hadn't stopped me before it was too late. i could lie to you and say it was for mostly noble reasons. but i was tired. tired of failing the people around me. tired of wondering what i would become. tired of drowning in guilt. tired of seeing him every time i closed my eyes. i wanted an end to living in fear. to waking up and wondering what i would lose that day, what new pain was in store for us.
sometimes i look at how far we've come, and i think of everything i never would have gotten to have. everything i didn't know i would miss out on. i can't imagine missing out on you.
[ now that the immediate hurt has evaporated, now that her mind is no longer obscured by it, it's tempting to apologize for failing to hear what he's been asking for all along. ]
i wonder if you think i'll stop loving you now that i've seen you at your worst. you're wrong. i didn't only marry your easy parts. i married the ugly ones, too. and i won't turn away from them. you don't have to be perfect and charming and easy to bear to deserve that. you can be difficult and flawed and exhausted, and it still won't convince me to love you any less. because loving you is no great burden, nikolai lantsov. you can't make me regret marrying you, so stop trying. if you don't believe me, i'll just have to keep reminding you until you're sick of hearing it.
no subject
always.
[ it's too late to reconsider slipping back into the darkness of that memory and the despair that clouds it. still, she hesitates for a moment longer, before: ]
i tried to kill us both - the darkling and i. and i would have succeeded if mal hadn't stopped me before it was too late.
i could lie to you and say it was for mostly noble reasons.
but i was tired. tired of failing the people around me. tired of wondering what i would become. tired of drowning in guilt.
tired of seeing him every time i closed my eyes.
i wanted an end to living in fear. to waking up and wondering what i would lose that day, what new pain was in store for us.
sometimes i look at how far we've come, and i think of everything i never would have gotten to have.
everything i didn't know i would miss out on.
i can't imagine missing out on you.
[ now that the immediate hurt has evaporated, now that her mind is no longer obscured by it, it's tempting to apologize for failing to hear what he's been asking for all along. ]
i wonder if you think i'll stop loving you now that i've seen you at your worst.
you're wrong. i didn't only marry your easy parts. i married the ugly ones, too. and i won't turn away from them.
you don't have to be perfect and charming and easy to bear to deserve that.
you can be difficult and flawed and exhausted, and it still won't convince me to love you any less.
because loving you is no great burden, nikolai lantsov. you can't make me regret marrying you, so stop trying.
if you don't believe me, i'll just have to keep reminding you until you're sick of hearing it.