[ it's too late to reconsider slipping back into the darkness of that memory and the despair that clouds it. still, she hesitates for a moment longer, before: ]
i tried to kill us both - the darkling and i. and i would have succeeded if mal hadn't stopped me before it was too late. i could lie to you and say it was for mostly noble reasons. but i was tired. tired of failing the people around me. tired of wondering what i would become. tired of drowning in guilt. tired of seeing him every time i closed my eyes. i wanted an end to living in fear. to waking up and wondering what i would lose that day, what new pain was in store for us.
sometimes i look at how far we've come, and i think of everything i never would have gotten to have. everything i didn't know i would miss out on. i can't imagine missing out on you.
[ now that the immediate hurt has evaporated, now that her mind is no longer obscured by it, it's tempting to apologize for failing to hear what he's been asking for all along. ]
i wonder if you think i'll stop loving you now that i've seen you at your worst. you're wrong. i didn't only marry your easy parts. i married the ugly ones, too. and i won't turn away from them. you don't have to be perfect and charming and easy to bear to deserve that. you can be difficult and flawed and exhausted, and it still won't convince me to love you any less. because loving you is no great burden, nikolai lantsov. you can't make me regret marrying you, so stop trying. if you don't believe me, i'll just have to keep reminding you until you're sick of hearing it.
Edited (noticing my mistake literal hours later is Embarrassing i'm so sorry) 2021-02-19 20:53 (UTC)
[ he knows what that feels like. to be unbearably tired, to have no reprieve even when he closes his eyes, drowning in his failures and his guilt and wanting nothing more than to just lay down and stop. to end all of it. and it hurts something right at the center of his chest to know that alina has been carrying that as well — carrying it alone, in his absence. carrying it alone even now because he hasn't been strong enough to carry them both. ]
you've kept me going through all of this while carrying the heaviest burdens of your own. you don't need a crown. you don't even need this title forged from our marriage. it's my honor to stand beside you, alina. in that i feel unbelievably lucky. you're not weak for wanting an end to this. i only wish that i was there for you to lean on.
i admit it's not comfortable to have you see me like this. a part of me has been waiting for you to reach your limit of me. i've been wishing for it and dreading it at once because i'm the fool who's never been loved like this. dominik never saw these parts of me. you've never given me a reason to doubt you and yet i've done that all the same. i'm sorry. i truly am. you remind me every day of why i'd choose you again and again. it seems i just wasn't listening the way i should've been. but i'm listening now. i can't do this without you, either. more than that, i don't want to.
i don't think anything or anyone could have stopped me from trying to put an end to it. if i had spilled even half of the secrets i was carrying, you would have all thought of me as mad. you're not to blame for that. i wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling the way that you do, so don't think you have to put on a brave face and try to hide it from me. i might not like some of what you say, but i told you — we're partners. i want all of you. not just the portions you think i want to see. and i'm getting annoyingly good at seeing through it, anyway.
my love doesn't come with conditions. that isn't really love at all. and just so you know — if i had known you would be harboring a monster in our future, i still would have kissed you that night. for someone who loves their reflection so much, you obviously don't know your worth in my eyes. the next time you doubt me, i'm going to push you into a very large, very prickly bush. will you still choose me then?
you're mad for marrying me and even more so for staying this long. but i suppose i'm a bit mad, too. so don't hide those parts of yourself from me, either. i know i ask a great deal of you, and i expect even more. but we are partners. and i want all of you as well.
i do love when you threaten me. i would choose you then and every other time after that.
true, marrying you might be the most insane thing i've done. and one of the best. i don't care about crowns and titles, but i care about you. i care about seeing your plans for ravka through. if this was a competition, though, you'd win the award. your unhealthy appetite for death-defying antics crowns you the victor of insanity. it's fortunate that you're so handsome, really. it balances everything out. let yourself enjoy that hard-earned compliment. once you try to use it against me, i'm going to deny ever saying it.
you're going to regret asking for it, but you're welcome to all of me. thorns and all.
i think you could do this on your own, if you had to. you're surrounded by grisha, and you're still as strong as any of us. but i'm glad that you chose me, anyway. even if that makes me selfish. maybe you'll have better luck with zoya tonight than you've had with me. her threats are infinitely more gruesome. and her heart is less soft than mine, especially when you're involved. if anyone can help you tame impossible beasts, it's our resident disciplinarian.
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no subject
always.
[ it's too late to reconsider slipping back into the darkness of that memory and the despair that clouds it. still, she hesitates for a moment longer, before: ]
i tried to kill us both - the darkling and i. and i would have succeeded if mal hadn't stopped me before it was too late.
i could lie to you and say it was for mostly noble reasons.
but i was tired. tired of failing the people around me. tired of wondering what i would become. tired of drowning in guilt.
tired of seeing him every time i closed my eyes.
i wanted an end to living in fear. to waking up and wondering what i would lose that day, what new pain was in store for us.
sometimes i look at how far we've come, and i think of everything i never would have gotten to have.
everything i didn't know i would miss out on.
i can't imagine missing out on you.
[ now that the immediate hurt has evaporated, now that her mind is no longer obscured by it, it's tempting to apologize for failing to hear what he's been asking for all along. ]
i wonder if you think i'll stop loving you now that i've seen you at your worst.
you're wrong. i didn't only marry your easy parts. i married the ugly ones, too. and i won't turn away from them.
you don't have to be perfect and charming and easy to bear to deserve that.
you can be difficult and flawed and exhausted, and it still won't convince me to love you any less.
because loving you is no great burden, nikolai lantsov. you can't make me regret marrying you, so stop trying.
if you don't believe me, i'll just have to keep reminding you until you're sick of hearing it.
no subject
you've kept me going through all of this while carrying the heaviest burdens of your own.
you don't need a crown. you don't even need this title forged from our marriage.
it's my honor to stand beside you, alina. in that i feel unbelievably lucky.
you're not weak for wanting an end to this. i only wish that i was there for you to lean on.
i admit it's not comfortable to have you see me like this.
a part of me has been waiting for you to reach your limit of me. i've been wishing for it and dreading it at once because i'm the fool who's never been loved like this. dominik never saw these parts of me.
you've never given me a reason to doubt you and yet i've done that all the same.
i'm sorry. i truly am.
you remind me every day of why i'd choose you again and again. it seems i just wasn't listening the way i should've been.
but i'm listening now.
i can't do this without you, either. more than that, i don't want to.
no subject
if i had spilled even half of the secrets i was carrying, you would have all thought of me as mad.
you're not to blame for that. i wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling the way that you do, so don't think you have to put on a brave face and try to hide it from me.
i might not like some of what you say, but i told you — we're partners.
i want all of you. not just the portions you think i want to see.
and i'm getting annoyingly good at seeing through it, anyway.
my love doesn't come with conditions. that isn't really love at all.
and just so you know — if i had known you would be harboring a monster in our future, i still would have kissed you that night.
for someone who loves their reflection so much, you obviously don't know your worth in my eyes.
the next time you doubt me, i'm going to push you into a very large, very prickly bush.
will you still choose me then?
no subject
but i suppose i'm a bit mad, too. so don't hide those parts of yourself from me, either.
i know i ask a great deal of you, and i expect even more.
but we are partners. and i want all of you as well.
i do love when you threaten me.
i would choose you then and every other time after that.
no subject
and one of the best. i don't care about crowns and titles, but i care about you. i care about seeing your plans for ravka through.
if this was a competition, though, you'd win the award. your unhealthy appetite for death-defying antics crowns you the victor of insanity.
it's fortunate that you're so handsome, really. it balances everything out.
let yourself enjoy that hard-earned compliment. once you try to use it against me, i'm going to deny ever saying it.
you're going to regret asking for it, but you're welcome to all of me. thorns and all.
i think you could do this on your own, if you had to. you're surrounded by grisha, and you're still as strong as any of us.
but i'm glad that you chose me, anyway. even if that makes me selfish.
maybe you'll have better luck with zoya tonight than you've had with me. her threats are infinitely more gruesome.
and her heart is less soft than mine, especially when you're involved.
if anyone can help you tame impossible beasts, it's our resident disciplinarian.