[ kaz suspects the stakes of this relationship, whatever blurred categories it falls into, have risen higher than either of them anticipated. there’s the last glimmer of resistance, held in nikolai’s fearful eyes and tense frame — kaz sees that because he knows himself and nikolai both, with their unquiet minds, always buzzing, often worrying. has been cataloging nikolai's tells since his gold-dusted stare illuminated the wound in his chest. they share a tendency to go away inside, stubbornness locking down what troubles them for as long as they can manage.

so, that nikolai will try to let go is enough. no word more hopeful than okay, tentative as it is, possibility secure inside it. the promise eases kaz’s posture even though nikolai swiftly asks for more from him. more words when he’s spent all that he has; restraint, when he’s never felt desire like this. nikolai is always striving for the best, the most. insatiable. kaz tries to disguise a whimper as a scoff when nikolai tells him not to come, eyes closing and re-opening as he digs his fingers into nikolai’s hip instead.

worth it, however, to have nikolai returned to him, kissing at his vulnerable points, arm gallantly winding at his waist, fucking into him with renewed focus. and looking at him like — saints, like there’s enough of kaz left to answer the hunger etched into his face. in truth, all kaz can do is try to reflect a sliver of the light nikolai has shone on him. ]

There you are. [ a conscious effort to vocalise his thoughts, just as nikolai asked of him. kaz huffs it out as he shifts his weight, thighs splayed and trembling on nikolai’s lap. not unlike how he'd been positioned the first-to-second time, armoured and hesitant. different now, closer than he’s ever been and still clinging tight enough to melt their skin together, with nikolai bucking deeper and deeper inside him. foreheads bumping, his lips graze nikolai’s cheek. on an impulse, he skates his hand up nikolai’s side, catching on every notch of his ribs, over the curve of his shoulder, up his throat to curl at his jaw. doesn’t have enough hands to touch everywhere he wants at once, but it helps commit the topography to memory. for as long as this night lasts, kaz can keep him. ]

My demanding Nikolai. [ gaze slitted and mouth quirked, indignation made altogether fond. keep talking. if it’s the last time, the last chance to convey all the things kaz likes about him — ] Greedy, brave, [ praise scattering across uneven breaths and sloppy kisses. ] clever, impossible, perfect.

[ nikolai takes him in hand, and he almost folds, caught between the urge to push up into his grip and down onto his cock. face hot, burning up with the need and the thought of nikolai’s pending request. must he ask for everything now? the flex of sweat-slick skin beneath him, beside him, all over him is an unending distraction. ]

I want to — [ thrown off by a particularly sweet thrust, reveling in the noise nikolai makes. eyes wild and pupils blown by the sight of nikolai looking as shipwrecked as feels. good. every nerve alights, the sense of a wave cresting over him. his voice strains. ] Let me come, Nikolai. [ a hiccuping breath. it almost crashes into him then, how much he wants nikolai, how he’s begging for it — and so what if he is? no harm in giving up crushed sounds every time nikolai rings somewhere true. who can kaz hurt but himself by admitting how gone he is for nikolai lantsov? ] Please touch me. And don’t — don’t stop moving until you finish. [ he squeezes his muscles with intent. ] Want to feel you.