[ kaz suspects the stakes of this relationship, whatever blurred categories it falls into, have risen higher than either of them anticipated. thereās the last glimmer of resistance, held in nikolaiās fearful eyes and tense frame ā kaz sees that because he knows himself and nikolai both, with their unquiet minds, always buzzing, often worrying. has been cataloging nikolai's tells since his gold-dusted stare illuminated the wound in his chest. they share a tendency to go away inside, stubbornness locking down what troubles them for as long as they can manage.
so, that nikolai will try to let go is enough. no word more hopeful than okay, tentative as it is, possibility secure inside it. the promise eases kazās posture even though nikolai swiftly asks for more from him. more words when heās spent all that he has; restraint, when heās never felt desire like this. nikolai is always striving for the best, the most. insatiable. kaz tries to disguise a whimper as a scoff when nikolai tells him not to come, eyes closing and re-opening as he digs his fingers into nikolaiās hip instead.
worth it, however, to have nikolai returned to him, kissing at his vulnerable points, arm gallantly winding at his waist, fucking into him with renewed focus. and looking at him like ā saints, like thereās enough of kaz left to answer the hunger etched into his face. in truth, all kaz can do is try to reflect a sliver of the light nikolai has shone on him. ]
There you are. [ a conscious effort to vocalise his thoughts, just as nikolai asked of him. kaz huffs it out as he shifts his weight, thighs splayed and trembling on nikolaiās lap. not unlike how he'd been positioned the first-to-second time, armoured and hesitant. different now, closer than heās ever been and still clinging tight enough to melt their skin together, with nikolai bucking deeper and deeper inside him. foreheads bumping, his lips graze nikolaiās cheek. on an impulse, he skates his hand up nikolaiās side, catching on every notch of his ribs, over the curve of his shoulder, up his throat to curl at his jaw. doesnāt have enough hands to touch everywhere he wants at once, but it helps commit the topography to memory. for as long as this night lasts, kaz can keep him. ]
My demanding Nikolai. [ gaze slitted and mouth quirked, indignation made altogether fond. keep talking. if itās the last time, the last chance to convey all the things kaz likes about him ā ] Greedy, brave, [ praise scattering across uneven breaths and sloppy kisses. ] clever, impossible, perfect.
[ nikolai takes him in hand, and he almost folds, caught between the urge to push up into his grip and down onto his cock. face hot, burning up with the need and the thought of nikolaiās pending request. must he ask for everything now? the flex of sweat-slick skin beneath him, beside him, all over him is an unending distraction. ]
I want to ā [ thrown off by a particularly sweet thrust, reveling in the noise nikolai makes. eyes wild and pupils blown by the sight of nikolai looking as shipwrecked as feels. good. every nerve alights, the sense of a wave cresting over him. his voice strains. ] Let me come, Nikolai. [ a hiccuping breath. it almost crashes into him then, how much he wants nikolai, how heās begging for it ā and so what if he is? no harm in giving up crushed sounds every time nikolai rings somewhere true. who can kaz hurt but himself by admitting how gone he is for nikolai lantsov? ] Please touch me. And donāt ā donāt stop moving until you finish. [ he squeezes his muscles with intent. ] Want to feel you.
[ he holds back through the sheer force of his iron will, stubbornly unwilling to let this moment end. it's not enough. he suspects even breaking kaz open and allowing all the dark, glittering parts of him to see the light still wouldn't be enough to match the longing he feels for him. he wants him in his arms always, wants to see his gloomy scowls, wants to feel his nimble fingers at work. still wants him in his bed, just for one night. all the things he can't have, shouldn't have, not when he's unraveling so rapidly, hands and teeth stained with blood. the pull between them is too taut now. the thought of letting go devastates him.
but he can't hold onto him like this, can't dig his claws in and keep him out of his own selfish need. he'll wake up one day and find kaz's broken body beneath him. already knows the taste of his blood and the give of his flesh and muscle beneath the rend of his black-tipped talons. he tries to put the thought out of his head, but it runs parallel to his desire, a sharp ache that colors the pleasure begging to spill over, amplified by the way kaz touches him and allows the truth to fall from his lips. demanding, greedy, brave. it's a shock to hear it from kaz, his faults mixed with the good, somehow making it all sound worthy of his affection. ]
You want to? [ a soft little mockery, a breathless laugh as he finds his mouth and kisses him as if he isn't afraid and doesn't feel tiny fractures growing in his heart ā not a new feeling, but it hurts worse every time. pressure builds, his hips growing erratic, a moan dragged from his lips. please touch me, so raw that it aches, his begging as jarring as it is arresting. how can he go without this, without kaz in his orbit? why does he have to give up everything? why does morning always have to come?
kaz's muscles clench, and it's too much, his hand roughly stripping his cock, reveling in the broken sounds kaz makes for him. he can feel kaz's orgasm grip his body, holding him taut, and with a flick of his wrist he sends him over the edge, watching in greedy fascination as kaz shudders in his arms, spilling wet between them. it's enough that he can't hold on any longer, the contraction of his muscles too tight, and nikolai gasps out a breath, burying his face in kaz's throat with a drawn-out groan as he comes inside of him. it's impossibly good, the pulsing heat of kaz's body, the way they both cling to each other as if they'll otherwise fall apart. he will. he needs this moment to last, needs to hold on for as long as he can, because there is nothing good coming after this.
on his side, he brings kaz back down to the bed, arm drawn tightly around his waist as he kisses him, still pushed deep inside of him as his cock softens, tremors moving through his body. his hand slides between kaz's legs when he does draw his hips away, fingers pushing shallowly inside of him to smear through the leaking wetness traveling down his thigh. ]
You could stay. [ soft, quiet nonsense. things bubbling out of him that have no real place to go. his jagged breath catches. ] You and me on the sea together. We don't ever have to go back. Just... together every night. Having adventures every day. The perfect sort of life. [ he swallows, lifting a hand to curl through kaz's hair, fingers gliding gently along the sweat at his temples. his thumb brushes the color at his cheek before he leans in, pressing his lips to the corner of his mouth. a whisper ā ] Just say yes. Just... say you want to as badly as I do.
[ kaz almost bristles at being teased, kissing back desperately, like he has something to prove. maybe he does, since nikolai appears to doubt his worth in the face of all their troubles. the moment rushes past, vision blurring as he comes hard. a cry wraps around nikolaiās name. canāt be long before nikolai fits his head under the curve of his jaw, like a key in a lock, and kaz keeps panting in his hair, sensations still rippling through him. full hot wet inside him, arms tight around his shoulders. he smudges a kiss at his temple as the trembling slows, relieved that nikolai holds on for as long as he does. better to hold onto this for as long as they can, with morning looming overhead.
it takes several blinks to come to himself: on his side in a royal bed with nikolai lantsov, hyper-aware of the way his ribs expand and contract with every breath. astounding, how theyāve found themselves just left of what they both want.
one soft sound after the other, then, when nikolai pulls away from him, only to ease the sudden emptiness with his fingers. heās slick from the inside in a way that burns his cheeks. always too much with nikolai. and never enough.
you could stay. his eyes crack, brow creasing at the implication. the recollection of the last time he gave in to nikolaiās impossible wants and was denied in daylight flashes before him. itās not a trap if you know about it, he tells himself. and kaz has known since novyi zem that these promises of romantic futures are snares laid in his path. itās unfair how much nikolai asks of him in these delicate moments, things kaz never would have thought of if nikolai hadnāt crafted and extended them in a shaky hand. he tips his head to catch nikolaiās mouth in a proper kiss, delaying his answer. as a rule, he prefers harsh truths to sweet lies, but for one night ā if the former is the only comfort he can offer ā kaz exhales audibly. ]
Perfect for you, getting bronzed. [ a wry thing. his bare hand smooths down nikolaiās spine, a rarity to touch him, anyone, so freely. ] Less perfect for me, getting sunburnt.
[ away from his shadowed place in this world. itās a boyās fantasy. a princeās daydream. still, he canāt think of nikolaiās loose expression as anything but sweet. charming, even. it startled him, at first ā and surprises him even now, how much nikolai wants him. every night. every day. all the time, if only in unreality. more than that, kaz remains shocked by how much he wants nikolai in turn. as fond of solitude and quiet as he is, nikolaiās presence has often improved his mood, despite those melancholic tendencies. the thought of spending time with him indefinitely, without ulterior motive, seems frightening but not destructive. a captivating prospect, out of reach though it is. his mouth quirks. ]
Whatever it is youāre asking, [ gently teasing, since he doubts even nikolai knows what he means, caught in the brambles of his mind, like always. ] I say yes. [ covering the hand at his cheek, thumb arcing over his knuckles. ] Because I want you very badly. [ any and every way kaz can have him. a quick kiss seals the deal. ] Enough to spend ā one third of my days at sea. [ he clicks his tongue, feigning thoughtfulness. ] Perhaps half, if you enhance the offer.
[ if heās indulging this fantasy, it ought to meet his own exacting standards. ]
[ he always wants to stay in this moment, warm and desperate and painful as it is, a fragile bubble, an impossible dream. this moment where kaz is bared and vulnerable in his arms, unused to the way his own desires flush his skin, sharing his rare, gentle smiles with him. this moment where kaz kisses him freely, touches him with abandon. when will this come again? nikolai curves closer to him, a sigh pulled from his chest as he smiles softly, carefully. he doesn't want to break this bubble, not yet. ]
You and the sun just haven't made friends yet. [ never mind that they likely will never make friends, but nikolai will always be fond of the way the sunlight looks against kaz's skin anyway. having kaz at sea with him has been an unexpected gift, one he never expected to be so devastated to lose. never expected many things about this ā kaz in his bed, kaz in his arms, kaz's mouth pressed against his own. can barely remember how this all began, with the startling knowledge of kaz's inability to touch others, and now he can't bear the idea of letting him go. ] I'm afraid I don't have any more kingdoms to offer to sweeten the deal, but you seem to enjoy my other talents.
[ he crooks his fingers inside of him to demonstrate, a slick, lazy motion as he chases his kiss indulgently. could do this all night since he doesn't plan to sleep, but as he's released from the grips of pleasure and floats back down to unrelenting reality, he's thinking now of their long days spent apart, of the state he left kaz in and all the unknowns since then. he traces the bandages at his shoulder and up his neck, at his thigh, the bruises imprinted into his pale skin beside old scars and corded muscle. kaz goes too far for him every time. one person can only manufacture so much luck. better then, that this is at an end ā a bitter truth he'll have to swallow down many times before he can make himself believe it. ]
What did you do to get the heart? [ how many times did he face death? how many people did he kill? a silly thing for nikolai to concern himself with when his hands are so stained with blood, but he worries all the same. what if he hadn't come back? he wants the crown to be done with sending kaz brekker on jobs like this, ravka's future be damned. he'll find another way. he always has. wet fingers pull out of him, tracing his thigh, ghosting along the softness of his cock. he leaves a damp trail along the silhouette of his torso, sketching the neat lines of his body. he's never put his mind to drawing a person before. ] You can rest now. I know you haven't taken the time to in days.
[ another fantasy, too twisted to be real, but it's what they have. he kisses him again softly, quieting any protest that kaz might think to give, tightening his arm around his waist. ] I don't know when I'll see you again. [ a quiet whisper, the unraveling of another truth he doesn't want to face. but worse than not knowing when he might see him again is the thought that kaz might shutter himself away once more, locking all of his wants into that quiet, untended place inside of him. his fingertips trace the line of his brows, skim down one sharp cheekbone. ] Regardless, you should still try and get some sun every once in a while. It suits you more than you think.
[ as ever, nikolai has a quick response for everything ā words and hands teasing. it feels good. not chasing an outcome, just lingering in the feeling.
after nikolai kisses the instinctive rebuff from his mouth, kazās brow furrows for a moment and then smooths out. a visible calculation of the angle required to approach this conversation, maths based on where nikolai touches him along the edges of his bandages, and nikolaiās consistent tendency to tumble down a steeper drop after the highs of togetherness or another win fade. perhaps he doesnāt think he deserves untainted moments like that, or maybe he just canāt stop his thoughts from barreling onward. he has sympathy for the affliction, at any rate.
folding an arm under his head, kaz settles in for a conversation that requires more alertness and judiciousness than he likely has in his reserves. no doubt he should get the rest nikolai urges him to, but it seems a waste of precious, dwindling time. why sleep when he doesnāt know when heāll see nikolai next? let alone if it will ever be like this again. their closeness seems so fragile, supported by a constellation of factors like to tip out of alignment. unequivocally, kaz believes nikolai can face the monster inside him. what he isnāt sure of is, well, whether nikolai will want him beyond the liminal space theyāve carved out of this job, a delicate creation supported by a shared loneliness. an untenable circumstance. ]
[ slowly, ] Nothing I havenāt done before. [ he rolls up his shoulders, a slight shrug. ] Nothing I wonāt do again. [ fight, bleed, stumble, and survive by the skin of his teeth. it feels important to clarify that, when nikolai is prone to centering his role in suffering and schemes far too big for one man. with or without nikolai, kaz brekker will balance his life on the crux of risks, undertaking jobs that promise danger as much as fortune. his unquiet mind canāt leave a puzzle untouched or a heist unsolved. as he speaks, his voice remains neutral. ] I could be persuaded to share the details of my week, if your memory of the same period improves.
[ all that time nikolai spent alone in the snow. he closes his eyes as nikolaiās fingertips map his features, nose scrunching at the ticklish sensation. funny that the sun should recommend itself unknowingly. it makes him wonder if thatās true ā if their travels or nikolaiās company do suit him, in some way. even misfortunes have been better with nikolai. thrilling, to have someone keep up ā to challenge him in turn, as frustrating as that can be, too. overall, itās a terribly dangerous and profoundly unhelpful thing to consider, when kaz lacks the means to keep him. i donāt know when iāll see you again. itās hard enough to stay awake with him now, surrounded by warmth on all sides.
he lifts his hand to catch nikolaiās arm and squeeze, assuring in one of the only ways he knows how to offer. another kiss, sleepier than the last. ]
Iāll see what I can do about the sun. [ a mild smile to himself. ] He can be difficult to tie down, but he knows where to find me. [ eyes flashing and shuttering, the implication obvious. if kaz can lay claim to any virtue, his best bet would be patience. heās an old hand at waiting, after all. for respect, revenge, opportunity. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
so, that nikolai will try to let go is enough. no word more hopeful than okay, tentative as it is, possibility secure inside it. the promise eases kazās posture even though nikolai swiftly asks for more from him. more words when heās spent all that he has; restraint, when heās never felt desire like this. nikolai is always striving for the best, the most. insatiable. kaz tries to disguise a whimper as a scoff when nikolai tells him not to come, eyes closing and re-opening as he digs his fingers into nikolaiās hip instead.
worth it, however, to have nikolai returned to him, kissing at his vulnerable points, arm gallantly winding at his waist, fucking into him with renewed focus. and looking at him like ā saints, like thereās enough of kaz left to answer the hunger etched into his face. in truth, all kaz can do is try to reflect a sliver of the light nikolai has shone on him. ]
There you are. [ a conscious effort to vocalise his thoughts, just as nikolai asked of him. kaz huffs it out as he shifts his weight, thighs splayed and trembling on nikolaiās lap. not unlike how he'd been positioned the first-to-second time, armoured and hesitant. different now, closer than heās ever been and still clinging tight enough to melt their skin together, with nikolai bucking deeper and deeper inside him. foreheads bumping, his lips graze nikolaiās cheek. on an impulse, he skates his hand up nikolaiās side, catching on every notch of his ribs, over the curve of his shoulder, up his throat to curl at his jaw. doesnāt have enough hands to touch everywhere he wants at once, but it helps commit the topography to memory. for as long as this night lasts, kaz can keep him. ]
My demanding Nikolai. [ gaze slitted and mouth quirked, indignation made altogether fond. keep talking. if itās the last time, the last chance to convey all the things kaz likes about him ā ] Greedy, brave, [ praise scattering across uneven breaths and sloppy kisses. ] clever, impossible, perfect.
[ nikolai takes him in hand, and he almost folds, caught between the urge to push up into his grip and down onto his cock. face hot, burning up with the need and the thought of nikolaiās pending request. must he ask for everything now? the flex of sweat-slick skin beneath him, beside him, all over him is an unending distraction. ]
I want to ā [ thrown off by a particularly sweet thrust, reveling in the noise nikolai makes. eyes wild and pupils blown by the sight of nikolai looking as shipwrecked as feels. good. every nerve alights, the sense of a wave cresting over him. his voice strains. ] Let me come, Nikolai. [ a hiccuping breath. it almost crashes into him then, how much he wants nikolai, how heās begging for it ā and so what if he is? no harm in giving up crushed sounds every time nikolai rings somewhere true. who can kaz hurt but himself by admitting how gone he is for nikolai lantsov? ] Please touch me. And donāt ā donāt stop moving until you finish. [ he squeezes his muscles with intent. ] Want to feel you.
no subject
but he can't hold onto him like this, can't dig his claws in and keep him out of his own selfish need. he'll wake up one day and find kaz's broken body beneath him. already knows the taste of his blood and the give of his flesh and muscle beneath the rend of his black-tipped talons. he tries to put the thought out of his head, but it runs parallel to his desire, a sharp ache that colors the pleasure begging to spill over, amplified by the way kaz touches him and allows the truth to fall from his lips. demanding, greedy, brave. it's a shock to hear it from kaz, his faults mixed with the good, somehow making it all sound worthy of his affection. ]
You want to? [ a soft little mockery, a breathless laugh as he finds his mouth and kisses him as if he isn't afraid and doesn't feel tiny fractures growing in his heart ā not a new feeling, but it hurts worse every time. pressure builds, his hips growing erratic, a moan dragged from his lips. please touch me, so raw that it aches, his begging as jarring as it is arresting. how can he go without this, without kaz in his orbit? why does he have to give up everything? why does morning always have to come?
kaz's muscles clench, and it's too much, his hand roughly stripping his cock, reveling in the broken sounds kaz makes for him. he can feel kaz's orgasm grip his body, holding him taut, and with a flick of his wrist he sends him over the edge, watching in greedy fascination as kaz shudders in his arms, spilling wet between them. it's enough that he can't hold on any longer, the contraction of his muscles too tight, and nikolai gasps out a breath, burying his face in kaz's throat with a drawn-out groan as he comes inside of him. it's impossibly good, the pulsing heat of kaz's body, the way they both cling to each other as if they'll otherwise fall apart. he will. he needs this moment to last, needs to hold on for as long as he can, because there is nothing good coming after this.
on his side, he brings kaz back down to the bed, arm drawn tightly around his waist as he kisses him, still pushed deep inside of him as his cock softens, tremors moving through his body. his hand slides between kaz's legs when he does draw his hips away, fingers pushing shallowly inside of him to smear through the leaking wetness traveling down his thigh. ]
You could stay. [ soft, quiet nonsense. things bubbling out of him that have no real place to go. his jagged breath catches. ] You and me on the sea together. We don't ever have to go back. Just... together every night. Having adventures every day. The perfect sort of life. [ he swallows, lifting a hand to curl through kaz's hair, fingers gliding gently along the sweat at his temples. his thumb brushes the color at his cheek before he leans in, pressing his lips to the corner of his mouth. a whisper ā ] Just say yes. Just... say you want to as badly as I do.
no subject
it takes several blinks to come to himself: on his side in a royal bed with nikolai lantsov, hyper-aware of the way his ribs expand and contract with every breath. astounding, how theyāve found themselves just left of what they both want.
one soft sound after the other, then, when nikolai pulls away from him, only to ease the sudden emptiness with his fingers. heās slick from the inside in a way that burns his cheeks. always too much with nikolai. and never enough.
you could stay. his eyes crack, brow creasing at the implication. the recollection of the last time he gave in to nikolaiās impossible wants and was denied in daylight flashes before him. itās not a trap if you know about it, he tells himself. and kaz has known since novyi zem that these promises of romantic futures are snares laid in his path. itās unfair how much nikolai asks of him in these delicate moments, things kaz never would have thought of if nikolai hadnāt crafted and extended them in a shaky hand. he tips his head to catch nikolaiās mouth in a proper kiss, delaying his answer. as a rule, he prefers harsh truths to sweet lies, but for one night ā if the former is the only comfort he can offer ā kaz exhales audibly. ]
Perfect for you, getting bronzed. [ a wry thing. his bare hand smooths down nikolaiās spine, a rarity to touch him, anyone, so freely. ] Less perfect for me, getting sunburnt.
[ away from his shadowed place in this world. itās a boyās fantasy. a princeās daydream. still, he canāt think of nikolaiās loose expression as anything but sweet. charming, even. it startled him, at first ā and surprises him even now, how much nikolai wants him. every night. every day. all the time, if only in unreality. more than that, kaz remains shocked by how much he wants nikolai in turn. as fond of solitude and quiet as he is, nikolaiās presence has often improved his mood, despite those melancholic tendencies. the thought of spending time with him indefinitely, without ulterior motive, seems frightening but not destructive. a captivating prospect, out of reach though it is. his mouth quirks. ]
Whatever it is youāre asking, [ gently teasing, since he doubts even nikolai knows what he means, caught in the brambles of his mind, like always. ] I say yes. [ covering the hand at his cheek, thumb arcing over his knuckles. ] Because I want you very badly. [ any and every way kaz can have him. a quick kiss seals the deal. ] Enough to spend ā one third of my days at sea. [ he clicks his tongue, feigning thoughtfulness. ] Perhaps half, if you enhance the offer.
[ if heās indulging this fantasy, it ought to meet his own exacting standards. ]
no subject
You and the sun just haven't made friends yet. [ never mind that they likely will never make friends, but nikolai will always be fond of the way the sunlight looks against kaz's skin anyway. having kaz at sea with him has been an unexpected gift, one he never expected to be so devastated to lose. never expected many things about this ā kaz in his bed, kaz in his arms, kaz's mouth pressed against his own. can barely remember how this all began, with the startling knowledge of kaz's inability to touch others, and now he can't bear the idea of letting him go. ] I'm afraid I don't have any more kingdoms to offer to sweeten the deal, but you seem to enjoy my other talents.
[ he crooks his fingers inside of him to demonstrate, a slick, lazy motion as he chases his kiss indulgently. could do this all night since he doesn't plan to sleep, but as he's released from the grips of pleasure and floats back down to unrelenting reality, he's thinking now of their long days spent apart, of the state he left kaz in and all the unknowns since then. he traces the bandages at his shoulder and up his neck, at his thigh, the bruises imprinted into his pale skin beside old scars and corded muscle. kaz goes too far for him every time. one person can only manufacture so much luck. better then, that this is at an end ā a bitter truth he'll have to swallow down many times before he can make himself believe it. ]
What did you do to get the heart? [ how many times did he face death? how many people did he kill? a silly thing for nikolai to concern himself with when his hands are so stained with blood, but he worries all the same. what if he hadn't come back? he wants the crown to be done with sending kaz brekker on jobs like this, ravka's future be damned. he'll find another way. he always has. wet fingers pull out of him, tracing his thigh, ghosting along the softness of his cock. he leaves a damp trail along the silhouette of his torso, sketching the neat lines of his body. he's never put his mind to drawing a person before. ] You can rest now. I know you haven't taken the time to in days.
[ another fantasy, too twisted to be real, but it's what they have. he kisses him again softly, quieting any protest that kaz might think to give, tightening his arm around his waist. ] I don't know when I'll see you again. [ a quiet whisper, the unraveling of another truth he doesn't want to face. but worse than not knowing when he might see him again is the thought that kaz might shutter himself away once more, locking all of his wants into that quiet, untended place inside of him. his fingertips trace the line of his brows, skim down one sharp cheekbone. ] Regardless, you should still try and get some sun every once in a while. It suits you more than you think.
no subject
after nikolai kisses the instinctive rebuff from his mouth, kazās brow furrows for a moment and then smooths out. a visible calculation of the angle required to approach this conversation, maths based on where nikolai touches him along the edges of his bandages, and nikolaiās consistent tendency to tumble down a steeper drop after the highs of togetherness or another win fade. perhaps he doesnāt think he deserves untainted moments like that, or maybe he just canāt stop his thoughts from barreling onward. he has sympathy for the affliction, at any rate.
folding an arm under his head, kaz settles in for a conversation that requires more alertness and judiciousness than he likely has in his reserves. no doubt he should get the rest nikolai urges him to, but it seems a waste of precious, dwindling time. why sleep when he doesnāt know when heāll see nikolai next? let alone if it will ever be like this again. their closeness seems so fragile, supported by a constellation of factors like to tip out of alignment. unequivocally, kaz believes nikolai can face the monster inside him. what he isnāt sure of is, well, whether nikolai will want him beyond the liminal space theyāve carved out of this job, a delicate creation supported by a shared loneliness. an untenable circumstance. ]
[ slowly, ] Nothing I havenāt done before. [ he rolls up his shoulders, a slight shrug. ] Nothing I wonāt do again. [ fight, bleed, stumble, and survive by the skin of his teeth. it feels important to clarify that, when nikolai is prone to centering his role in suffering and schemes far too big for one man. with or without nikolai, kaz brekker will balance his life on the crux of risks, undertaking jobs that promise danger as much as fortune. his unquiet mind canāt leave a puzzle untouched or a heist unsolved. as he speaks, his voice remains neutral. ] I could be persuaded to share the details of my week, if your memory of the same period improves.
[ all that time nikolai spent alone in the snow. he closes his eyes as nikolaiās fingertips map his features, nose scrunching at the ticklish sensation. funny that the sun should recommend itself unknowingly. it makes him wonder if thatās true ā if their travels or nikolaiās company do suit him, in some way. even misfortunes have been better with nikolai. thrilling, to have someone keep up ā to challenge him in turn, as frustrating as that can be, too. overall, itās a terribly dangerous and profoundly unhelpful thing to consider, when kaz lacks the means to keep him. i donāt know when iāll see you again. itās hard enough to stay awake with him now, surrounded by warmth on all sides.
he lifts his hand to catch nikolaiās arm and squeeze, assuring in one of the only ways he knows how to offer. another kiss, sleepier than the last. ]
Iāll see what I can do about the sun. [ a mild smile to himself. ] He can be difficult to tie down, but he knows where to find me. [ eyes flashing and shuttering, the implication obvious. if kaz can lay claim to any virtue, his best bet would be patience. heās an old hand at waiting, after all. for respect, revenge, opportunity. ]