[ he always wants to stay in this moment, warm and desperate and painful as it is, a fragile bubble, an impossible dream. this moment where kaz is bared and vulnerable in his arms, unused to the way his own desires flush his skin, sharing his rare, gentle smiles with him. this moment where kaz kisses him freely, touches him with abandon. when will this come again? nikolai curves closer to him, a sigh pulled from his chest as he smiles softly, carefully. he doesn't want to break this bubble, not yet. ]
You and the sun just haven't made friends yet. [ never mind that they likely will never make friends, but nikolai will always be fond of the way the sunlight looks against kaz's skin anyway. having kaz at sea with him has been an unexpected gift, one he never expected to be so devastated to lose. never expected many things about this ā kaz in his bed, kaz in his arms, kaz's mouth pressed against his own. can barely remember how this all began, with the startling knowledge of kaz's inability to touch others, and now he can't bear the idea of letting him go. ] I'm afraid I don't have any more kingdoms to offer to sweeten the deal, but you seem to enjoy my other talents.
[ he crooks his fingers inside of him to demonstrate, a slick, lazy motion as he chases his kiss indulgently. could do this all night since he doesn't plan to sleep, but as he's released from the grips of pleasure and floats back down to unrelenting reality, he's thinking now of their long days spent apart, of the state he left kaz in and all the unknowns since then. he traces the bandages at his shoulder and up his neck, at his thigh, the bruises imprinted into his pale skin beside old scars and corded muscle. kaz goes too far for him every time. one person can only manufacture so much luck. better then, that this is at an end ā a bitter truth he'll have to swallow down many times before he can make himself believe it. ]
What did you do to get the heart? [ how many times did he face death? how many people did he kill? a silly thing for nikolai to concern himself with when his hands are so stained with blood, but he worries all the same. what if he hadn't come back? he wants the crown to be done with sending kaz brekker on jobs like this, ravka's future be damned. he'll find another way. he always has. wet fingers pull out of him, tracing his thigh, ghosting along the softness of his cock. he leaves a damp trail along the silhouette of his torso, sketching the neat lines of his body. he's never put his mind to drawing a person before. ] You can rest now. I know you haven't taken the time to in days.
[ another fantasy, too twisted to be real, but it's what they have. he kisses him again softly, quieting any protest that kaz might think to give, tightening his arm around his waist. ] I don't know when I'll see you again. [ a quiet whisper, the unraveling of another truth he doesn't want to face. but worse than not knowing when he might see him again is the thought that kaz might shutter himself away once more, locking all of his wants into that quiet, untended place inside of him. his fingertips trace the line of his brows, skim down one sharp cheekbone. ] Regardless, you should still try and get some sun every once in a while. It suits you more than you think.
[ as ever, nikolai has a quick response for everything ā words and hands teasing. it feels good. not chasing an outcome, just lingering in the feeling.
after nikolai kisses the instinctive rebuff from his mouth, kazās brow furrows for a moment and then smooths out. a visible calculation of the angle required to approach this conversation, maths based on where nikolai touches him along the edges of his bandages, and nikolaiās consistent tendency to tumble down a steeper drop after the highs of togetherness or another win fade. perhaps he doesnāt think he deserves untainted moments like that, or maybe he just canāt stop his thoughts from barreling onward. he has sympathy for the affliction, at any rate.
folding an arm under his head, kaz settles in for a conversation that requires more alertness and judiciousness than he likely has in his reserves. no doubt he should get the rest nikolai urges him to, but it seems a waste of precious, dwindling time. why sleep when he doesnāt know when heāll see nikolai next? let alone if it will ever be like this again. their closeness seems so fragile, supported by a constellation of factors like to tip out of alignment. unequivocally, kaz believes nikolai can face the monster inside him. what he isnāt sure of is, well, whether nikolai will want him beyond the liminal space theyāve carved out of this job, a delicate creation supported by a shared loneliness. an untenable circumstance. ]
[ slowly, ] Nothing I havenāt done before. [ he rolls up his shoulders, a slight shrug. ] Nothing I wonāt do again. [ fight, bleed, stumble, and survive by the skin of his teeth. it feels important to clarify that, when nikolai is prone to centering his role in suffering and schemes far too big for one man. with or without nikolai, kaz brekker will balance his life on the crux of risks, undertaking jobs that promise danger as much as fortune. his unquiet mind canāt leave a puzzle untouched or a heist unsolved. as he speaks, his voice remains neutral. ] I could be persuaded to share the details of my week, if your memory of the same period improves.
[ all that time nikolai spent alone in the snow. he closes his eyes as nikolaiās fingertips map his features, nose scrunching at the ticklish sensation. funny that the sun should recommend itself unknowingly. it makes him wonder if thatās true ā if their travels or nikolaiās company do suit him, in some way. even misfortunes have been better with nikolai. thrilling, to have someone keep up ā to challenge him in turn, as frustrating as that can be, too. overall, itās a terribly dangerous and profoundly unhelpful thing to consider, when kaz lacks the means to keep him. i donāt know when iāll see you again. itās hard enough to stay awake with him now, surrounded by warmth on all sides.
he lifts his hand to catch nikolaiās arm and squeeze, assuring in one of the only ways he knows how to offer. another kiss, sleepier than the last. ]
Iāll see what I can do about the sun. [ a mild smile to himself. ] He can be difficult to tie down, but he knows where to find me. [ eyes flashing and shuttering, the implication obvious. if kaz can lay claim to any virtue, his best bet would be patience. heās an old hand at waiting, after all. for respect, revenge, opportunity. ]
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You and the sun just haven't made friends yet. [ never mind that they likely will never make friends, but nikolai will always be fond of the way the sunlight looks against kaz's skin anyway. having kaz at sea with him has been an unexpected gift, one he never expected to be so devastated to lose. never expected many things about this ā kaz in his bed, kaz in his arms, kaz's mouth pressed against his own. can barely remember how this all began, with the startling knowledge of kaz's inability to touch others, and now he can't bear the idea of letting him go. ] I'm afraid I don't have any more kingdoms to offer to sweeten the deal, but you seem to enjoy my other talents.
[ he crooks his fingers inside of him to demonstrate, a slick, lazy motion as he chases his kiss indulgently. could do this all night since he doesn't plan to sleep, but as he's released from the grips of pleasure and floats back down to unrelenting reality, he's thinking now of their long days spent apart, of the state he left kaz in and all the unknowns since then. he traces the bandages at his shoulder and up his neck, at his thigh, the bruises imprinted into his pale skin beside old scars and corded muscle. kaz goes too far for him every time. one person can only manufacture so much luck. better then, that this is at an end ā a bitter truth he'll have to swallow down many times before he can make himself believe it. ]
What did you do to get the heart? [ how many times did he face death? how many people did he kill? a silly thing for nikolai to concern himself with when his hands are so stained with blood, but he worries all the same. what if he hadn't come back? he wants the crown to be done with sending kaz brekker on jobs like this, ravka's future be damned. he'll find another way. he always has. wet fingers pull out of him, tracing his thigh, ghosting along the softness of his cock. he leaves a damp trail along the silhouette of his torso, sketching the neat lines of his body. he's never put his mind to drawing a person before. ] You can rest now. I know you haven't taken the time to in days.
[ another fantasy, too twisted to be real, but it's what they have. he kisses him again softly, quieting any protest that kaz might think to give, tightening his arm around his waist. ] I don't know when I'll see you again. [ a quiet whisper, the unraveling of another truth he doesn't want to face. but worse than not knowing when he might see him again is the thought that kaz might shutter himself away once more, locking all of his wants into that quiet, untended place inside of him. his fingertips trace the line of his brows, skim down one sharp cheekbone. ] Regardless, you should still try and get some sun every once in a while. It suits you more than you think.
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after nikolai kisses the instinctive rebuff from his mouth, kazās brow furrows for a moment and then smooths out. a visible calculation of the angle required to approach this conversation, maths based on where nikolai touches him along the edges of his bandages, and nikolaiās consistent tendency to tumble down a steeper drop after the highs of togetherness or another win fade. perhaps he doesnāt think he deserves untainted moments like that, or maybe he just canāt stop his thoughts from barreling onward. he has sympathy for the affliction, at any rate.
folding an arm under his head, kaz settles in for a conversation that requires more alertness and judiciousness than he likely has in his reserves. no doubt he should get the rest nikolai urges him to, but it seems a waste of precious, dwindling time. why sleep when he doesnāt know when heāll see nikolai next? let alone if it will ever be like this again. their closeness seems so fragile, supported by a constellation of factors like to tip out of alignment. unequivocally, kaz believes nikolai can face the monster inside him. what he isnāt sure of is, well, whether nikolai will want him beyond the liminal space theyāve carved out of this job, a delicate creation supported by a shared loneliness. an untenable circumstance. ]
[ slowly, ] Nothing I havenāt done before. [ he rolls up his shoulders, a slight shrug. ] Nothing I wonāt do again. [ fight, bleed, stumble, and survive by the skin of his teeth. it feels important to clarify that, when nikolai is prone to centering his role in suffering and schemes far too big for one man. with or without nikolai, kaz brekker will balance his life on the crux of risks, undertaking jobs that promise danger as much as fortune. his unquiet mind canāt leave a puzzle untouched or a heist unsolved. as he speaks, his voice remains neutral. ] I could be persuaded to share the details of my week, if your memory of the same period improves.
[ all that time nikolai spent alone in the snow. he closes his eyes as nikolaiās fingertips map his features, nose scrunching at the ticklish sensation. funny that the sun should recommend itself unknowingly. it makes him wonder if thatās true ā if their travels or nikolaiās company do suit him, in some way. even misfortunes have been better with nikolai. thrilling, to have someone keep up ā to challenge him in turn, as frustrating as that can be, too. overall, itās a terribly dangerous and profoundly unhelpful thing to consider, when kaz lacks the means to keep him. i donāt know when iāll see you again. itās hard enough to stay awake with him now, surrounded by warmth on all sides.
he lifts his hand to catch nikolaiās arm and squeeze, assuring in one of the only ways he knows how to offer. another kiss, sleepier than the last. ]
Iāll see what I can do about the sun. [ a mild smile to himself. ] He can be difficult to tie down, but he knows where to find me. [ eyes flashing and shuttering, the implication obvious. if kaz can lay claim to any virtue, his best bet would be patience. heās an old hand at waiting, after all. for respect, revenge, opportunity. ]