if he was anything like me when i'm furious, then i really would have liked him.
[ only after it's too late to retrieve it does she wonder if that sentiment comes too close to grazing nikolai's raw, gaping wounds — but it's nothing more than the truth. nothing more than the sympathetic twinge in her chest, and the regret of a possibility that life has stolen. ]
thank you for telling me. but you're arrogant if you believe you can ruin my life more than aleksander already did. the only reason my name and face is out of those tabloids is because he's pulled strings and paid people off. honestly, i think he just likes the control it gives him. or he's afraid it would give me more power over him than i have. he wanted an equal on his terms, which isn't an equal at all.
i'm telling you this for a reason. he hid everything from me the entire time we were together until it was too late. his ambitions. the part he wanted me to play in them. he turned mal and i against each other. he let me believe he wanted a life with me, but you can't build a future with someone when it's founded on lies. sometimes i still try to figure out which part of it was ever real. sometimes i wonder if it even matters. what matters is that i was trapped and alone, and i drove myself crazy wondering if i was living in a fantasy the entire time. if he was using me all along. if i was a pawn in whatever mind games he liked to play.
you don't want to trap me, and i don't want to feel trapped. i know you're not him, but you can't lie to me. i can't do that to myself again. i can't have you keeping secrets this big from me, even if you know it's going to make me furious. because you're not falling alone. because i know no matter how long i'll get to love you, it'll be worth whatever comes with it. or whatever comes after it if it doesn't work.
i want to believe it will, but you can't do this again. that's how you make it right.
no subject
[ only after it's too late to retrieve it does she wonder if that sentiment comes too close to grazing nikolai's raw, gaping wounds — but it's nothing more than the truth. nothing more than the sympathetic twinge in her chest, and the regret of a possibility that life has stolen. ]
thank you for telling me.
but you're arrogant if you believe you can ruin my life more than aleksander already did.
the only reason my name and face is out of those tabloids is because he's pulled strings and paid people off.
honestly, i think he just likes the control it gives him. or he's afraid it would give me more power over him than i have.
he wanted an equal on his terms, which isn't an equal at all.
i'm telling you this for a reason.
he hid everything from me the entire time we were together until it was too late.
his ambitions. the part he wanted me to play in them.
he turned mal and i against each other.
he let me believe he wanted a life with me, but you can't build a future with someone when it's founded on lies.
sometimes i still try to figure out which part of it was ever real. sometimes i wonder if it even matters.
what matters is that i was trapped and alone, and i drove myself crazy wondering if i was living in a fantasy the entire time.
if he was using me all along. if i was a pawn in whatever mind games he liked to play.
you don't want to trap me, and i don't want to feel trapped.
i know you're not him, but you can't lie to me. i can't do that to myself again.
i can't have you keeping secrets this big from me, even if you know it's going to make me furious.
because you're not falling alone.
because i know no matter how long i'll get to love you, it'll be worth whatever comes with it.
or whatever comes after it if it doesn't work.
i want to believe it will, but you can't do this again.
that's how you make it right.