[ it could pierce like a blade, cutting soft flesh from the bone, if it wasn't so iron-clad in her conviction. but maybe, she thinks, it isn't entirely honest. more than that, it isn't entirely possible to remove nikolai from the equation. their visions of happiness align like matching stars, after all, and if she's to nurture that blossoming future — she needs to weed out what's been infecting her, from before they had even crossed paths. ]
It's not only for you, [ she amends, worrying at her lip. ] It's for us, but mostly — it's for me. I think ... I needed a reason to be free of him, and to believe that there was more that I could have. A reason to risk the consequences.
[ the flex of her fingers within his falls victim to her nerves, toying with the ends of his own, to give herself something to absently fiddle with. she doesn't dwell on her own implication, or even take note of it. she's never believed herself to be worth fighting for. to find worth in fully shaking free of the last of the shackles aleksander had placed on her, when it had been a necessary exchange. her suffering, in exchange for the protection of those he would rather see harmed. her prison, in exchange for the freedom of her friends. she frowns down at their clasped hands, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles. ]
A future with you deserves that kind of risk. You make me feel stupid and brave enough to do it, and possibly a little insane. No, absolutely insane. [ beneath the fan of her eyelashes, she peers back up at him, cracked open and vulnerable. ] But I'm sure of it, Nikolai. I don't want to live at the whim of his mercy.
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[ it could pierce like a blade, cutting soft flesh from the bone, if it wasn't so iron-clad in her conviction. but maybe, she thinks, it isn't entirely honest. more than that, it isn't entirely possible to remove nikolai from the equation. their visions of happiness align like matching stars, after all, and if she's to nurture that blossoming future — she needs to weed out what's been infecting her, from before they had even crossed paths. ]
It's not only for you, [ she amends, worrying at her lip. ] It's for us, but mostly — it's for me. I think ... I needed a reason to be free of him, and to believe that there was more that I could have. A reason to risk the consequences.
[ the flex of her fingers within his falls victim to her nerves, toying with the ends of his own, to give herself something to absently fiddle with. she doesn't dwell on her own implication, or even take note of it. she's never believed herself to be worth fighting for. to find worth in fully shaking free of the last of the shackles aleksander had placed on her, when it had been a necessary exchange. her suffering, in exchange for the protection of those he would rather see harmed. her prison, in exchange for the freedom of her friends. she frowns down at their clasped hands, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles. ]
A future with you deserves that kind of risk. You make me feel stupid and brave enough to do it, and possibly a little insane. No, absolutely insane. [ beneath the fan of her eyelashes, she peers back up at him, cracked open and vulnerable. ] But I'm sure of it, Nikolai. I don't want to live at the whim of his mercy.