[ there's a certain irony in this, that she would be the one trying to mend this rift when she's also the one that warned him of the reckless consequences to come. an i told you so doesn't come despite how he deserves it. ]
She says I'm going soft. Losing my nerve. [ perhaps there is some truth to her accusations, but he isn't going to admit to it. coming to a compromise with zoya is like trying to put water back into a broken jar — impossible, frustrating, and painful. a part of him thinks they're too alike in different ways. neither of them can tolerate losing. ] I am worried for her, but I think a bigger part of me wants to do this another way.
[ his eyes lift, his brow creasing at what she says. for a moment he wants to ask her to explain, but something tells him not do, instead pulling his hand away from hers as he moves to circle around his desk, pulling in the chair as he sits and taps at his computer to bring it to life. a quick search brings up dozens of articles, all from the last twenty-four hours, all centered around alina's accusations against aleksander. it strikes him like a physical blow to know that she set the most hidden parts of herself to light without anyone by her side.
not anyone. she has mal, genya, others. just not him. and she doesn't need him, anyway — never has, because even when she couldn't see her own strength, he's always known it was there.
aleksander's mother lends the damning blow of credibility to her story. the backlash is monumental, both for alina and against, and as he sits back and rubs a hand over his mouth he doesn't know what wars more strongly in him — his pride for alina or his hatred for himself. he sits in silence for a long moment before he springs up, terrified by how the words i love you press against his tongue. ]
We should celebrate.
[ he skirts around again, his mouth blossoming into a smile while his heart rackets loudly in his chest, wrapping his arms around alina's waist and lifting her from the floor as he spins her in a circle. then he embraces her in earnest, pulling her close and pressing his face to her hair, a quiet laugh bubbling out of him that he can't quite contain. ]
This is why I adore you. You never cease to amaze me. [ he presses a loud kiss to her cheek, then pulls back, his hands on her shoulders. ] I'm so proud of you. So immensely proud. And you didn't even need me to do it. I may have conflated my usefulness here.
[ she waits for the car crash of his reaction, speeding toward inevitable disaster. it would be justified, after all of the scheming he's set his sights toward, all of the pieces he's aligned on a board, only for her to swipe them from the table and reset the game. for lack of anything to hold onto, her fingers wring together with excess nervous energy, if only to temper down her impulse to look away from the emotions that flicker across his expression.
but then a grin is splitting his mouth, and she doesn't have time to consider how his exhaustion melts away in an instant, how the light sparks back in his eyes like he's stolen the sun and placed it there, how she's forgotten what it felt like to soak in the rays of his joy. for a moment, it burns away the shadow hanging over them until there's only the melody of his laughter rustling through her hair and her answering squeak of surprise as she loops her arms around his neck, waiting until the room has stopped spinning to beam up at him. bright and unafraid, until she remembers why she came to find him in the first place. ]
I celebrated. [ kindly, she doesn't mention his suspiciously, half-empty wine bottle — or the question of whether he'd designed this party to celebrate his freedom from her. instead, she tucks rowdy strands behind her ear, and taps the nape of her neck — covered by a curtain of hair to obscure what's beneath from view. ] New tattoo.
[ a symbol she's going to feel stupid for stamping into her skin, if he turns her away at the end of this. she returns her clammy fingers to cup the back of his neck, holding him steady for the clumsy rise to her tiptoes to press of her mouth to his, a kiss that's uncertain and over too quickly. ]
For the longest time, I felt like I was sleepwalking. Until I met you. [ useful is reserved for paintbrushes and canvases and supplies without any mind of their own, that have no purpose until she's given them one, in her dictionary. nikolai has always been something more — a spark of hope in the darkness. ] You woke me up. You made my life worth fighting for again, so don't say I didn't need you.
I did. I always will. But when you look at me, you see ghosts. [ whether it's the spirit of dominik's grief, too similar to her own to go unseen, or the ghost of his hope for the future once it had been laid to rest alongside dominik. ] I needed to do this part without you. I don't know any other way to show you that you haven't ruined me.
[ she swallows thickly, hands reluctantly slipping away as she leans back to search his eyes. ]
If you're just going to tell me you don't want me anymore, let's pretend I didn't say anything at all.
[ for a brief, fleeting moment, everything feels right. alina is in his arms, a smile on her lips. they're close again, celebrating each other's victories in spite of it all. he wants to pluck this moment right out of the air and find a way to live in it, to prolong this happiness, to stay just as they are without having to think about anything that's happened before this or anything that will happen after.
but then she continues, making it impossible to ignore the elephant taking up all the air in the room. it's suddenly hard to breathe. he wishes the bottle was within reach because inching closer to it seems entirely inappropriate for the way that alina is looking at him as if she expects his attention to be undivided when his thoughts are going in a hundred directions at once. his lips burn with the simple, chaste kiss she offers him, his heartbeat faltering in his chest.
it's too familiar, what she describes. it's too much of how he feels as well, like everything was muted until alina came along and showed him more colors than he even thought existed. he wants to pull away but she beats him to it, and then all he wants to do is draw her back in. ]
I don't. [ he clears his throat, shaking his head. ] I don't not want you. But I think what's more important than me wanting you is that you have the chance to experience the things that I can't give you. Does that make sense?
[ he smiles again despite how his heart feels like it's crumbling in his chest once more, lifting a hand to brush his thumb along her bottom lip. then he takes off toward his desk again, turning his screen so he can skim through the articles, picking up the bottle with one hand. after a long swallow he asks — ] Am I allowed to see your new tattoo?
[ she barely registers the blur of his movements from the corner of her eye, courtesy of staring down the floor and willing the ground to open up beneath her. the solution had seemed so simple, laid out before her by mal's hands, but now — she nearly wishes his hope hadn't been so infectious. it makes bearing nikolai's rejection that much more humiliating, pinching her eyes closed against the sudden rush of heat to her face, and the splotchy flush that's overtaken her throat. ]
No, [ she says, quiet, until she clears her throat to make way for that unrelenting firmness. steel that won't be bent, no matter her wavering conviction. no matter how her fingers have paused in ripping herself open, suddenly too discouraged to finish the job, in the face of his calm, easy smiles and the doubt they've injected into her veins. like this is a pain he can recover from, if he continues going through the motions. ] No, it doesn't make sense. I don't want to experience anything if it isn't with you.
[ she takes one step to the side, leaning into the corner of his desk, in a vain attempt to catch his eyes. it's worse, somehow, that he's fled from her and fixed his gaze to the screen — as though she's as pitiful as she feels, coming all this way to prostrate herself only to be turned away. lowering herself to begging, a sight too pathetic for him to stand to be around. ]
Are you ever going to listen to what I've been trying to tell you, or are you going to trap yourself in your head again and assume you know everything I feel without hearing it from me yourself? I didn't come here to tell you about Aleksander, Nik. I came here to work things out. You might have stopped believing in us, but I haven't.
[ it's difficult to armor herself in anger, to even summon it to deflect from the hollow pit in her chest. it only rings empty with her defeat, anticipating the answer to that question before it arrives. ]
It isn't a good idea for you to see it. It just feels stupid now. [ and now she can't erase it. at the very least, she won't have to endure the sight of it every time she glimpses herself in the mirror. she laughs, watery and self-depreacting, and makes a move to pick up her flats by the door. ] You don't need another reason to think I'm pathetic. I should just go before I find a new way to make everything worse than it already is.
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She says I'm going soft. Losing my nerve. [ perhaps there is some truth to her accusations, but he isn't going to admit to it. coming to a compromise with zoya is like trying to put water back into a broken jar — impossible, frustrating, and painful. a part of him thinks they're too alike in different ways. neither of them can tolerate losing. ] I am worried for her, but I think a bigger part of me wants to do this another way.
[ his eyes lift, his brow creasing at what she says. for a moment he wants to ask her to explain, but something tells him not do, instead pulling his hand away from hers as he moves to circle around his desk, pulling in the chair as he sits and taps at his computer to bring it to life. a quick search brings up dozens of articles, all from the last twenty-four hours, all centered around alina's accusations against aleksander. it strikes him like a physical blow to know that she set the most hidden parts of herself to light without anyone by her side.
not anyone. she has mal, genya, others. just not him. and she doesn't need him, anyway — never has, because even when she couldn't see her own strength, he's always known it was there.
aleksander's mother lends the damning blow of credibility to her story. the backlash is monumental, both for alina and against, and as he sits back and rubs a hand over his mouth he doesn't know what wars more strongly in him — his pride for alina or his hatred for himself. he sits in silence for a long moment before he springs up, terrified by how the words i love you press against his tongue. ]
We should celebrate.
[ he skirts around again, his mouth blossoming into a smile while his heart rackets loudly in his chest, wrapping his arms around alina's waist and lifting her from the floor as he spins her in a circle. then he embraces her in earnest, pulling her close and pressing his face to her hair, a quiet laugh bubbling out of him that he can't quite contain. ]
This is why I adore you. You never cease to amaze me. [ he presses a loud kiss to her cheek, then pulls back, his hands on her shoulders. ] I'm so proud of you. So immensely proud. And you didn't even need me to do it. I may have conflated my usefulness here.
no subject
but then a grin is splitting his mouth, and she doesn't have time to consider how his exhaustion melts away in an instant, how the light sparks back in his eyes like he's stolen the sun and placed it there, how she's forgotten what it felt like to soak in the rays of his joy. for a moment, it burns away the shadow hanging over them until there's only the melody of his laughter rustling through her hair and her answering squeak of surprise as she loops her arms around his neck, waiting until the room has stopped spinning to beam up at him. bright and unafraid, until she remembers why she came to find him in the first place. ]
I celebrated. [ kindly, she doesn't mention his suspiciously, half-empty wine bottle — or the question of whether he'd designed this party to celebrate his freedom from her. instead, she tucks rowdy strands behind her ear, and taps the nape of her neck — covered by a curtain of hair to obscure what's beneath from view. ] New tattoo.
[ a symbol she's going to feel stupid for stamping into her skin, if he turns her away at the end of this. she returns her clammy fingers to cup the back of his neck, holding him steady for the clumsy rise to her tiptoes to press of her mouth to his, a kiss that's uncertain and over too quickly. ]
For the longest time, I felt like I was sleepwalking. Until I met you. [ useful is reserved for paintbrushes and canvases and supplies without any mind of their own, that have no purpose until she's given them one, in her dictionary. nikolai has always been something more — a spark of hope in the darkness. ] You woke me up. You made my life worth fighting for again, so don't say I didn't need you.
I did. I always will. But when you look at me, you see ghosts. [ whether it's the spirit of dominik's grief, too similar to her own to go unseen, or the ghost of his hope for the future once it had been laid to rest alongside dominik. ] I needed to do this part without you. I don't know any other way to show you that you haven't ruined me.
[ she swallows thickly, hands reluctantly slipping away as she leans back to search his eyes. ]
If you're just going to tell me you don't want me anymore, let's pretend I didn't say anything at all.
no subject
but then she continues, making it impossible to ignore the elephant taking up all the air in the room. it's suddenly hard to breathe. he wishes the bottle was within reach because inching closer to it seems entirely inappropriate for the way that alina is looking at him as if she expects his attention to be undivided when his thoughts are going in a hundred directions at once. his lips burn with the simple, chaste kiss she offers him, his heartbeat faltering in his chest.
it's too familiar, what she describes. it's too much of how he feels as well, like everything was muted until alina came along and showed him more colors than he even thought existed. he wants to pull away but she beats him to it, and then all he wants to do is draw her back in. ]
I don't. [ he clears his throat, shaking his head. ] I don't not want you. But I think what's more important than me wanting you is that you have the chance to experience the things that I can't give you. Does that make sense?
[ he smiles again despite how his heart feels like it's crumbling in his chest once more, lifting a hand to brush his thumb along her bottom lip. then he takes off toward his desk again, turning his screen so he can skim through the articles, picking up the bottle with one hand. after a long swallow he asks — ] Am I allowed to see your new tattoo?
no subject
No, [ she says, quiet, until she clears her throat to make way for that unrelenting firmness. steel that won't be bent, no matter her wavering conviction. no matter how her fingers have paused in ripping herself open, suddenly too discouraged to finish the job, in the face of his calm, easy smiles and the doubt they've injected into her veins. like this is a pain he can recover from, if he continues going through the motions. ] No, it doesn't make sense. I don't want to experience anything if it isn't with you.
[ she takes one step to the side, leaning into the corner of his desk, in a vain attempt to catch his eyes. it's worse, somehow, that he's fled from her and fixed his gaze to the screen — as though she's as pitiful as she feels, coming all this way to prostrate herself only to be turned away. lowering herself to begging, a sight too pathetic for him to stand to be around. ]
Are you ever going to listen to what I've been trying to tell you, or are you going to trap yourself in your head again and assume you know everything I feel without hearing it from me yourself? I didn't come here to tell you about Aleksander, Nik. I came here to work things out. You might have stopped believing in us, but I haven't.
[ it's difficult to armor herself in anger, to even summon it to deflect from the hollow pit in her chest. it only rings empty with her defeat, anticipating the answer to that question before it arrives. ]
It isn't a good idea for you to see it. It just feels stupid now. [ and now she can't erase it. at the very least, she won't have to endure the sight of it every time she glimpses herself in the mirror. she laughs, watery and self-depreacting, and makes a move to pick up her flats by the door. ] You don't need another reason to think I'm pathetic. I should just go before I find a new way to make everything worse than it already is.