( open post )

[ravkas]

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[levers]

[ a noise of acknowledgment. understanding, even. unmoored, yes, he knows the feeling — chiefly as a result of associating with nikolai lantsov. it had felt that way when nikolai grounded him on the ship, then the very first time he went to ravka after nikolai disappeared in the night (the time where he’d been closer to another person than ever before), and, of course, the second time he visited, enlisted by zoya to do things outwith his purview. worse, trying to comfort nikolai when he’s hardly ever done that for anyone. now, too, the deck moves beneath his feet while he looks at someone in his bed for the only time since the dime lions opened jesper’s guts on a miserable job.

his brows arch as nikolai jokes (?) about his explosive tendencies. (not bloody likely on dregs’ turf, lantsov.) this is intimacy of a different kind. anticipatory, maybe, if he’s lucky. nikolai said he wanted to stay, but nikolai says a lot of things. the thought plucks at the strings in his chest. he looks comfortable, even so. and handsome, stretched across his bed like he owns it, dressed for a fine affair but attractively rumpled from his customarily troublesome behaviour.

at the comment, kaz blinks twice, feigning thoughtfulness. ]

Haven’t I? [ no, he hasn’t worn his gloves with nikolai yet. a shake threatens his grip, as if to give away his efforts. he’s trying, after their disastrous reunion in ravka. however much he downplays it, an ungloved touch signals trust, endeavouring to ensure this time is different from the last. momentarily, he loses himself in the searing memory of being told to leave twice. right up until nikolai snatches his tie from under his sharp nose. the question swipes the mask from his face in rapid succession, confusion and surprise opening his features. kaz lifts his bare hand to brush his collar, now flipped up on one side from nikolai’s hasty manoeuvre. doesn’t straighten it. just ghosts over the empty space, hooking a finger behind the topmost button of his shirt. caught off guard by nikolai again. in his room, in his city. two drinks and change in. nikolai hadn’t seemed angry when he arrived, just upset, distracted. like this, held behind the practiced facade, and he missed it. ]

You asked me to leave. [ automatic. stupid, he corrects, brows-knitting as he processes and adjusts course. ends up stumbling, anyway. ] You said I needed to go — waiting a day would only have — [ made it harder, the ticking clock pounding in his ears, but that’s not the answer. he opens his mouth and closes it again. the thoughts nikolai wants to know, well, he never seems to be able to arrange them into a sentence. there’s a long pause before he continues. ]

I didn’t — I wouldn’t have known what to do. [ clearing his throat, his gaze tips sideways, seeking purchase on the familiar skyline. ] Or say. [ fuck. ] Surely it was easier for everyone that I left. Quickly, like a thief. [ the thing he is, first and foremost. you didn’t need me anymore, either recurs on a loop, his best defence. that has to be true, with tales of the heroic king turned monster, the royal talons on sale in little ravka alongside other saintly tokens. but then why did zoya send him away? ]

[ravkas]

[ there's little sense in bringing any of this up now. it's been an age. so long that nikolai has blown up his life (again) in the meantime. has kaz even thought about it the way he has, obsessed over it so much that genya had to tell him to stop disheveling the guest suite every time the servants made it up again? his anger drains out of him at kaz's fumbling response — the first time he's sounded unsure of himself since he got here — but the hurt doesn't go with it. ]

I told you you needed to go home. To your work. To your family. [ whether he wants to call the dregs his family or not, that's what they are. ] I was keeping you from your responsibilities, your life. You knew our time had to come to an end. I wasn't sending you away like a misbehaving child. I just wanted to avoid the very thing that you did. I didn't want to wake up one day and be blindsided by your absence.

[ at least it won't happen again here. kaz would never abandon ketterdam the way he abandoned him. he'll always be able to find him near the crow club, near the slat, near the home he's built for himself. so appealing that people choose to leave the grand palace just to stay here. he scoffs to himself, turning his eyes to the ceiling. dimitri had the right idea after all. leave before zoya could sink her harpy claws in. ]

I needed you. Just for one more day, I needed you. [ a tiny laugh bubbles out of him. what difference would it have made? a little bit of comfort during one of the hardest days of his life, followed by another and another, weeks and weeks as he trekked across the country trying to make his wrongs right. ] You would've known what to do if you'd given yourself the chance. But it was easier for everyone that you left. Everyone but me. But what difference does that make? You and Zoya deserve each other.

[ a quick glint catches the corner of his bleary gaze, and he sits up again to lean across the nightstand, carefully pulling at a piece of velvet cloth nestled between a stack of books. the kaleidoscope slips out, still dented and making a noise it shouldn't. he looks pointedly at kaz as he pats his empty pockets. ]

You're going to lose an eye trying to use this, you know. [ he sets kaz's stark tie around his neck for sake keeping, nestled in his frilly collar, and ungloves his hands, carefully fidgeting with the kaleidoscope before the silver tube comes open with a soft snick, pieces of broken mirror falling to the nightstand like glittering stardust. leaving the glimmering mess where it is, he attempts to fluff kaz's pillows before lounging back with a heavy sigh. he'll repair the thing tomorrow, when he can see straight, and leave it as good as new on kaz's desk.

he blows out a breath, turning restlessly to examine the bed frame, blinking away an ache behind his eyes. ] I can't — I have to be alone.

[levers]

[ the words home and family buzz in his ears, persistent as bees drawn to honey. despite the surging memories of anika tending his inky wound, dimitri saving his life last week — this is business. he lost his home, his family long ago and replaced them with hardier things. power, crew, territory. those can be taken, changed, invaded and survive. kaz busies himself with bending to unlace his own shoes to evade nikolai’s criticism and the certainty piercing his murky green gaze. the thud of each on the aged wood floor grounds him.

yes, he supposes he knew his actions would hurt nikolai and chose them, anyway. that’s his nature. yet the thought of nikolai walking in that empty room overtakes him. kaz’s head snaps in nikolai’s direction, expression flattening. sitting straight once more, his fingers wrap around nikolai’s ankle, something to pull his focus to the watery depths and not the surface pains. i needed you tugs him out of the brine against his will, but it makes him sluggish, the same as moving through water. needed him. saints, whatever for? all nikolai's friends, his family, are warmer and kinder than kaz brekker, who reminded him early on in the trip that he was the real monster. and if he stayed, well, he would have tried, of course he would have. still would have said the wrong thing, all his cleverness be damned. how many chances can a thing like him get?

when nikolai upends the kaleidoscope, an alarmed sound slips out before he can stop it. he was going to fix it. (eventually, he was going to tell wylan to fix it). looking at the glass dusting his table and floor, kaz snaps. ]

All you do is send me away. Every time, you — [ blindside him (in noyvi zem, fjerda, ravka), but to admit that is tantamount to gaping weakness. dirtyhands should never been caught off guard. and to be ensnared by the same trap thrice is humiliating. he steadies himself by force, his voice a slow drag. ] You find an excuse. You decide what you need, and what I need. Alone.

[ you let him. not anymore. without visualising his endgame, kaz changes course, swinging his good leg across nikolai’s torso and hovering over him, the first loose strands of his hair falling free. he finds nikolai’s dominant hand and pins it back at the wrist, thumb gently arcing over his pulse.

he should have had another drink. no, he should have had nothing to drink. only did because nikolai was there, looking at him and letting him look. ]

[ hoarse, ] Don’t go. [ not again, with the same goodbye as the last time, albeit more intentionally now. ] I wanted to stay. Longer than a day. I would have stayed — if I’d known, Nikolai. [ a pained confession, when kaz brekker never makes mistakes. never been a comfort to someone until now. well, he’s rarely been one. the night inej first killed, the day jesper almost bled out in here. for nikolai — he doesn’t know when. that night, it would seem. ] I should have known. [ that nikolai needed him, that he was wanted after he made nikolai say it again and again ]

[ravkas]

[ he doesn't look away when kaz's hurt bubbles out of him, accusations tossed back into his face. they're true enough. with the same fervor in which he's been trying to hold onto this, he's been trying to let this go — and failing on both accounts, simply allowing kaz to exist in some space between dreams and reality. maybe zoya sending him away is an expiation of sorts, a pain he's owed for what he's done here. he's slow to react when kaz pins him down, knowing that he should wrest him off, but instead inhaling languidly at the blossom of warmth at his pulse. ]

You wouldn't have. Let's not lie to each other now. [ he glides a heavy hand along kaz's thigh, pressing his fingers into his hip. thinks about undressing him but feels too clumsy, too unwanted. his desires threaten to tear him in two, to be with kaz and to be home again at once, two things that can't exist in the same dream. ] You have a life here. It wasn't right of me to try and keep you from that just because I... [ he trails off, shuts his eyes. want you need you love you. any and all of those things. none he's willing to say, none useful to people like them.

he opens his eyes then, a flash of familiar hazel when the light hits him just so. lifting his hand from kaz's hip, he reaches up to cradle kaz's jaw instead, taking in the sincerity in his gaze for just a moment before his vision tilts and blurs. his hand drops, catching at his open collar, a breath sucked into his lungs. ] I can't stay here. I — need to get back to my ship.

[ his hips give a restless buck, squirming halfheartedly beneath kaz as he cranes his neck to blearily take stock of his surroundings once more. the bed is too damned small. he pulls at kaz's shirt, trying to think through the haze encasing his brain, an unsteady exhale rasping from his lips. ]

Here. [ he releases kaz's shirt so he can retrieve his stolen tie, pulling it from around his neck and pressing it to his pinned hand. wishes he could extinguish all the lamps and draw the curtains, leaving the room in total darkness so he could hide the slow flush of shame warming his face. maybe it's just the drink. ] Tie me to — something. Anything. Just this hand. Fuck, Brekker, just — touch me. Please. [ his hand shakes, his gaze imploring. ] I won't go.

[levers]

[ floating above nikolai, kaz watches and listens. this is the moment that matters most tonight, with nikolai’s nerves animating his limbs and hurt twisting his features. if nikolai truly wants him off, gone, he’ll go. his heart rate seems erratic, but kaz judges that to be from anxiety (over what?) and not a tonic. kaz leans into the cup of his hand, tender the way it always seems to be for him, but makes no move to touch nikolai in return. his eyes narrow, mouth faintly pursed as nikolai’s pulls back and near-panics. this can’t just be about his leaving, which seems to be the most convenient and raw wound to pick as a deflection. he tables his response to that debate, knowing that he would have stayed, gone and come back if nikolai asked — but that he has to prove it to nikolai now.

even through the light sheen of alcohol, kaz marks and hangs on specific phrases. i can’t, i need. not the usual theatrical rejections, he surmises with some relief. isn’t sure his ego (his heart) could take another blow under his own damn roof. nikolai’s resistance seems scattershot, too, without his occasional concentration or usual strength.

at the request, his eyes startle. blinked back to blankness in an instant. kaz need only lift two of his fingers to snag the tie, pressing it into his hold for now. darkly, he thinks that nikolai isn’t the first to be restrained in this room, though he is the only one to beg for it. a plea for brekker, not kaz. doesn’t know what that distinction means here. is it the demon? hasn’t faced the thing since it nearly took his hand off and opened his throat. a shiver lances down his spine.

recovering fast, kaz takes nikolai’s jaw in hand, tilting it up to bore into his eyes. the neutrality on his face gives way to scrutiny. there. he spies a flash of hazel in the green sea, no blackest black. then what’s wrong? something colours his cheeks, and kaz wants to nose into the warmth more than he fears the fever. can’t just be a secret desire for this. he needs more time, more clues to make sense of this. ]

[ kaz tips his face up as he leans down, ] Easy, Nikolai. I have you. [ kisses him quick, a peck soon turning into a deep, yawning drag. buzzed from the drink and the contact. still, his hand pulls nikolai’s back, above his head, squeezing it — and perhaps nikolai really is drunk because, in that moment, kaz magics his tie into place. the sleight of hand binds nikolai’s wrist to the metal frame, careful to avoid the uncomfortable angles he’d usually favour. he covers nikolai’s other hand with his own, then, lifting it to press a kiss to his palm as he sits back on his hips. ]

And what of this hand? [ curious, his free hand raking back through nikolai’s hair to reveal his face, then wandering down his throat. no need to demand an explanation, content to puzzle out nikolai lantsov in time. lightly, mouth hooking sideways — ] It's up to me, really. [ teasing, testing. anything to shake nikolai out of this uneasy stupor. ] But I'll take your requests into account.

[ravkas]

[ he stills beneath kaz's hand, trying on focus on blue eyes, on the rarity of his gently reassuring words. i have you. will he keep him? can he? he thought zoya would. desperation bleeds into the kiss, a soft moan pressed into his mouth. doesn't even feel the bond at his wrist until it's snugly in place, instinct briefly straining against the tie but finding it secure. of course it is. a knot by kaz brekker isn't one he'll easily slip out of. kaz wouldn't shame him with anything less.

it grounds him the smallest bit, this echo of the nightly ritual he grew so accustomed to. hated every moment of it. hates now that there's a part of him still somehow dependent on it. kaz's lips brush his palm, drawing his attention back. there's something sharp in the vast sky of his eyes, a question he won't ask. nikolai swallows as kaz's fingers graze down the line of his throat, pulse quickening. warm skin on skin. ]

A request. [ he has many, has always had too many. it’s in the nature of his flawed personality to always want more, to never catch up to his own wretched ambitions. right now one floats above the rest, whispered before he can stop himself. ] Keep me here. [ tethered to the frame and still feeling like he could drown at any moment, like he could simply be lost to the depths of his own darkness. but he’s asked this before, during their long goodbye in the fjerdan palace, the only time he’s ever held kaz throughout the night. and he said he couldn’t. so why ask again now when he already knows the answer? the burden of holding onto him is too great — a man that’s never known how to be still — a thing he shouldn’t wish upon anyone.

he has to change course. the worry in kaz’s eyes, no matter how he tries to conceal it, shouldn’t be there on a night like this. a successful job, a successful heist. leaving the grand palace was the right decision for kaz. his life is here and your life is nowhere. he hooks a leg up and gives a swing of his hips, toppling kaz to the bed and immediately seeking out his lips, pressing into a kiss while his free arm draws him close by the waist. the room spins again, and he shuts his eyes, a low groan in his throat. ]

What did you steal tonight? [ a flash of a smile, an unsteady breath cascading out of him as his mouth presses to his jaw, listening to the rush of blood beneath his skin. it’s been too long since he’s allowed the monster to feed, nothing since the voyage here. the frame creaks as his muscles tighten against his restraints, but then he relaxes, peppering soft kisses down kaz’s open collar. ] More brandy, I hope?

[levers]

[ predictably, nikolai initiates and dodges a serious conversation in the same heartbeat. it hollows him out, to think of how much nikolai needs — how much he deserves, if anyone can be said to deserve anything — compared to how little kaz has to give. you would've known what to do if you'd given yourself the chance. he can try. in fact, he seems capable of endless attempts for this man. ]

[ scoffing, ] You’re more brandy than blood already. [ but he told dirix to stock his office and rooms with the stuff. nikolai’s fervent kisses tickle the skin above his collarbone, and he huffs a laugh. his hand wanders to nikolai’s hip, fingers skimming his trousers before rucking up his shirt and fitting at the small of his back. he feels caught between sinking and floating. ] Stole a watch from someone who was too busy looking at you to notice. [ kaz scruffs his hand through nikolai’s hair, tugging lightly. knows that isn’t the question, but he expects it’ll please nikolai to know he has other admirers. could have anyone he wanted, and still he’s in your bed. why? ] Didn’t thieve a thing otherwise. [ his mouth quirks, near smug. ] The De Vries were hoping to set me up, so Dimitri led certain Black Tips to believe he was informing on me, and they fell for the trap instead. [ everyone wins, which here means kaz brekker wins. even while still in his party clothes, his cologne bleeding out of the seams, today is his victory. you’re in bed with nikolai lantsov. normally, he’d take a long bath after having been on his feet all night, but he supposes this is good, too. for a moment, he basks in the warmth, the attention, eyes closing as nikolai noses across his skin. ]

I can’t keep you. [ kaz brushes a kiss at his temple, as if to say, with that restless brain of yours. can’t stop nikolai from drifting, can’t even stop the tide from carrying them both out sometimes. ] But I can come find you. [ whenever he goes away inside. ] I will. [ before nikolai can deny him. ] The deal is the deal. [ offered with the ease of someone who clearly intended to do that, anyway. perhaps he’s been doing that the whole time, only now his tongue is loose enough to confess it.

his eyes brighten suddenly, and he takes nikolai’s face in both hands. ]

Oh, is that why you want to be half-tied up? [ to be kept here, grounded, comfort in the familiar, haunting ritual. ] Does it help more than being fully-tied? [ he hooks his leg at the bend of nikolai’s to press closer, marvelling at how this is only the third time they’ve been here. ] Or is that a concession because you can’t bear to be still?

[ravkas]

[ another smile flashes across his face, sweetly sincere, savoring the warm fingers at his back. it's good to look at kaz like this, pleased at his win, maybe happy in this moment. through the haze of the brandy it's easy to think they can always be this happy, if only history hasn't proven them wrong so many times. their kisses steal back the long weeks and months lost between them, anchoring him here until the moment kaz says what he's expecting. i can't keep you. better for him to give him the truth.

what comes next sounds strangely faraway, a promise he wants to hold onto even while it slips through his fingers. but i can come find you. he wants him to beg him not to, that it's even worse that he would do that. doesn't know the horrors he might find. a heavy breath spools out of him, his hand twisting in kaz's shirt, dragging higher to tug at the back of his collar, his mouth finding the shell of his ear. his voice drops to a cold whisper, at odds with the life normally found in nikolai's tone, still as a cold lake. ]

It's dangerous to go looking for monsters, Brekker. [ kaz's pulse hammers through him, his heartbeat deafening. he'd find him anywhere, go to any cursed corner of the world, put himself through the worst harm just to bring him back. just as he'd done for the heart. nikolai's eyes crack open to reveal a sliver of smooth black, wisps of darkness playing over his skin. ] You can't save him any more than you could save your brother.

[ tendrils of black brush kaz's cheek, sinking him into watery depths, the darkened harbor brimming with rotting bodies. nikolai's hand, sharp and clawed, bears down tightly at the back of his neck so that he can't break free, fangs scraping the soft skin of his cheek. his blood is so close he can taste it on his tongue, yearning for its warmth to fill him, but he turns away, dizzy with need and desire, blinking green-gold in the dim light. his hand — scarred but not clawed — cards gently into kaz's hair, a quiet breath turning into a soft smile, the darkness gone as if it was never there. ]

Sleep eludes me these days, unless I'm bound. [ a hushed confession, unlikely to ever be repeated sober, his voice warm and familiar. he twists his wrist above his head, glancing up briefly before leaning in to press his mouth to kaz's, sliding his hand down to brace at his back. ] And I so desperately want to fall asleep with you. [ but he feels a tremor through kaz's body, tension in his kiss. nikolai tries to focus, loosening his grip. ] What is it?

[levers]

[ for a moment, it’s near-perfect. nikolai doesn’t fight him, though he most certainly chafes against kaz’s adamance — but the game turns with the reveal single card. cold spikes through his skull. again, a warning: brekker, not kaz. even muddled with brandy, he hears a distant alarm ring. his heart takes flight in his chest.

at once, kaz finds himself there and not, called into the dank interior of his memories. a wave of fear as nikolai’s eyes turn liquid black before him, another, higher crash overtakes him, and he’s drowning, lungs contracting, unable to choke another breath in novyi zem, fjerda, ketterdam. instinctive revulsion tries to whip his head back but nikolai has him by the throat, shadows licking his skin. his stomach trembles. the same thought that carried him to shore lifts his head above the waterline now: a monster need not fear his kind. he breathes out, shaky and careful, so absorbed in steadying the rise and fall of his chest that he fails to notice the threat recede. nikolai’s confession sounds like it was spoken underwater, bubbling out sluggish and strange. ]

I thought I heard something. [ kaz untangles himself, sitting upright and glancing at the widow, as if his visitor came from outside and not the person beside him. masking unease with his typical suspicion, he turns back to nikolai. ] The last time someone caught me off guard was on a night like this. [ one where he was happy (synonymous with foolish and sloppy). it’s true enough. ] I had the ice court job in hand, [ a sharp inhale. ] and then Rollins had me on my knees. I thought he’d kill me then, but my sterling personality inspires a creativity that outright murder lacks. [ he leaves out that the spectre of jordie (or what might have been jordie if he aged alongside kaz) came to seek his revenge, just as it does every time he nearly dies. you never get something for nothing, kaz. searching the room, he pauses on a shimmer of moonlight. doesn’t know if he’s disappointed or relieved not to see jordie flicker into being.

no, tonight it’s just the two of them. and the demon. the thing that’s both nikolai and darkling. nichevo'ya. he resolves to write nazyalensky tomorrow, accepting her terms on the condition she tells him everything she knows about the monster. facing it unprepared landed them both in the drink last time. if he makes the same mistake, he deserves to have his throat ripped out. but if it wanted you dead, it would kill you. well, if it were strong enough for its wants to overcome nikolai’s will for long.

another memory: the first time it seized nikolai, he said it needed to feed. a possible explanation for the breach, although nikolai had been aware then. kaz sits just barely within reach now. of course the demon could tear his tie into ribbons. at least nikolai alone won’t be able to slip free until kaz teaches him the trick to the knot. better to stand, first crossing to the window and pausing to look into the street. his hand lingers at the nape of his neck, feeling the rawness of skin nearly broken, surely reddened, beneath his dishevelled hair. not yet ready to face nikolai again, lest he tip his hand, he draws the emerald velvet curtains. as he turns back, his eyes find nikolai’s, comforted by the swirl of colours he knows intimately.

still needs time to set his bones. he removes his cufflinks, slipping them into his trouser pocket. finally, he musters to composure to start an unhurried trek back to the bed. undoes a few buttons along the way, pulling his shirt over his head with both hands. ]

[ tugging his arms free of the sleeves, one brow cocked. ] Are you going to fall sleep with me dressed like that?

[ravkas]

[ it becomes swiftly apparent that something is amiss despite the explanation given. kaz goes from eager and pliant to distant and distracted in the span of a breath, something haunted in the glimpse of his eyes nikolai manages to steal before he's gone, leaving the bed cold as he crosses to the window and peers to the street below. nikolai would follow if he could, would place gentle hands at his face and coax his gaze back towards him. back towards the living. maybe this was all too fast, too much. he's only just arrived after such a long time apart, and has no idea how much touch kaz has tolerated in the meantime. kaz never wants to take his advice and test his limits with someone else.

but can that be all this is? kaz would have said something, would have told him to wait while he resurfaced. wouldn't feel the need to hide it in such an obvious way, not after everything. the lights of the city wink out when kaz pulls the drapes shut, an attractive emerald color, not gaudy gold brocade like in the grand palace. nikolai blinks back the haze from his eyes, his fingers flexing above his head. instinctively — and unsuccessfully — he tries to rise when kaz comes closer. ]

Nothing outside, then? [ there was never anything there. kaz would have done more than just close the blinds if he even suspected a threat, would have sent a message to his dregs, would have notified anika keeping watch at the entranceway below. he would have untied him from the damned bed. nikolai's eyes follow his, his brows rising when kaz sheds his shirt, exposing lean lines of muscle and those familiar tattoos. does he still want this or is he pushing himself? he tries to think, wonders if it's something that he said that might've hurt kaz unintentionally, that might've knocked this encounter out of alignment. does kaz not want him here after all? no, he was excited. happy, even. kaz won't blindside him in the way zoya did. he wouldn't.

he expels a breath around a smile, settling back as he shrugs, paying no mind to his rumpled shirt, his lacy cuffs pushed up to his elbows. ] Bit hard to get undressed like this. [ he wiggles his bound fingers. ] But you look a little green around the edges, Brekker, so I don't mind remaining rather comfortable the way I am. It's clearly evident that I'm not going anywhere, and even more so that there's something on your mind.

[ and he certainly wishes there wasn't, because whatever it is is making kaz's heightened heartbeat impossible to ignore, an unsteady cadence pulsing in his mouth. he has to let the monster feed. he can't. that's what got him sent away in the first place, indulging the beast to keep it sated, thinking it the wise thing to do. starving it seems the natural step to take next. difficult to do when he's bound to kaz brekker's bed, but easy once he has a private laboratory of his own. a plan. it grounds him to at least have some semblance of a map drawn out before him. ]

Come here. I am tragically bereft without you. [ a gentle request. better to stay in the moment. tomorrow's problems can wait. he searches kaz's gaze, then lifts his free hand, holding his palm up toward him. doesn't notice the creeping darkness twisting around his fingers for the briefest of seconds, nestled around the fractures of his scars, there and gone. ] Don't forget. Stay with me.

[levers]

[ nothing there, yes. something on his mind, yes. it surprises him that nikolai doesn’t seek answers immediately despite seeing through his feints, ever impatient (not with you, guiding him into intimacy of all kinds with remarkable understanding). effortless, playful kindness returns in nikolai’s remark about his clothes. it shakes and warms him in the same breath. to be seen, weakness and all. to be cared for accordingly.

at the sight of encroaching black tendrils, his limbs lock, halting his steps. go take the next watch. no, if kaz abandons nikolai again, he'll lose him. ]

I’m here. [ easing back into the bed, kaz reaches out to take nikolai’s hand. as dangerous and safe as it’s ever been. frightfully easy to thread their fingers together like he did the first night nikolai wounded him, palm to palm. his slitted gaze studies nikolai through charcoal lashes, waiting for the pain to come. when nothing advances, he settles on his back with a lengthy exhale. not as close as he was and still closer than he’d dare come to anyone else, their shoulders brushing. nikolai’s breath touches his ear. alive. ]

Just then, you — [ tell him. as if that would do any good. can’t offer the truth of what rattled him until he has a plan to manage the threat, but kaz can still give him something true. his eyes shutter, a memory clattering across his skull. ] You reminded me of my brother. [ never speaks his name outwith addressing the hauntings directly. to do so now would be like summoning him. with a parting squeeze, he releases nikolai’s hand to feather fingers across his flat stomach. ] He was clever. Like you. [ an audible struggle to push the words out, their coppery taste flooding his mouth. ] He thought he was even cleverer than he was. [ incautious and greedy. maybe most children are that way, only they have parents around to help them. strange to speak of him like this, as a fully formed person, all while chumming the waters for the demon (carving out chunks of himself, opening wounds to shadowy infection). ] And nothing annoyed him like my fidgeting with tricks instead of listening to him reading his books.

[ with his unruly mind, one of the things he shares with nikolai. kaz cants his head into the crook of nikolai’s neck, brushing a kiss under his jaw and leaning into his shoulder. when he did this with jordie, he was already dead. you’re the same fool now. exposing himself to the plague and the demon, all for a sliver of warmth. ] Not going anywhere.

[ a statement that’s firm where it should be soft, a promise for nikolai and a warning for the demon. ]

[ravkas]

[ his mind shuffles through all sorts of possibilities when kaz puts a stop to them with an unexpected answer. his brother. the one he rarely speaks of, such an unanticipated moment that nikolai finds himself at a sudden loss for words. almost doesn't want to speak at all, for fear that it might halt whatever bit of closeness they've dipped into, that kaz might stop talking at all and never start again.

he only knows glimpses of jordie rietveld, has never even heard kaz say his whole name aloud before. he had to put those pieces together himself. he understands all too well. there's a boy in his past he never speaks about despite a promise made on the battlefield that he still holds in his heart, the reason he works so hard for his country, the reason he can always bleed a little more. to dredge up that pain would be like feeling him die in his arms again. he can't. he won't.

there's a curious anger entwined in the sorrow coloring kaz's voice when he speaks of his brother, as if there are things he hasn't forgiven him for. he's long dead. he's not coming back to ask for forgiveness. wouldn't be surprised if kaz somehow resents that fact, too. nikolai turns when kaz hides his face in his shoulder, his hand curving gently around his ear, thumb brushing his cheek. kaz looks somehow softer in the haze of all his drinking, a peculiar sight. he prefers his sharp, pointed angles, his unnecessary scowls. he blinks quickly, clearing his vision. kaz feels tense, now that they're close again. regrets doing that, though he doesn't know what it is that triggered it.

he leans in slowly, brushing a kiss to kaz's forehead, his voice hushed in the darkness. ] Perfection is not a requirement for absolution. [ his lips curve into a gentle smile, his hand sliding to cradle the base of his skull, guiding kaz back to the curve of his shoulder before he wraps his arm around him, lips brushing his hair. ] Or love. It's all right, the things that you feel for him. Just remember that the bad doesn't always have to outweigh the good. Not if you don't want it to, even if it's just for the night.

[ he closes his eyes, kaz's soft breath warming his skin. not going anywhere echoes in his head, a promise he hadn't dared asked for but wanted all the same, given unprompted. the nights on his ship were spent with the rocking of the waves beneath him but still without sleep, too busy stewing in his own rage and heartbreak, tracking the distance growing between him and his country — but it pulls at him now, finally, not just the weight of exhaustion but the slackening tension in his muscles, a tangled knot coming unspooled. his fingers curl gently above his head, his bindings secure. ]

I've wanted to do this for a long time, Kaz. [ a low rumble, his breath evening. he keeps his eyes shut even as the room tilts on its side, kaz nestled warmly against him, his dark hair tickling his nose. ] Be here when I wake.

[ he doesn't remember falling asleep, only that he wishes he could drift like this forever. then it's dark. the night grows long, the shadows outside lengthening with the passing time, and when nikolai opens his eyes again in the hours before dawn, his eyes are pits of black, his shadow-tipped hand ghosting along kaz's clavicle with the edge of his claws. with a speed quicker than the eye can follow, his mouth finds kaz's throat, teeth scraping along skin. darkness trails from nikolai's eyes down his cheeks, and where his fingertips touch kaz's pale skin, wisps of shadows fracture over the lines of his collarbones. it feels like cold, rushing water.

without warning, he bites at the thrum of his pulse, hard enough to be painful but not enough to break the skin. he sucks a bruise in its place, the opposite side that nikolai normally tends to mark, and far more brutal. his claws rake down his collarbone, leaving three angry scratches — superficial but red all the same — and then nikolai is sleeping beside him once more, only the serenity seems to have been snatched from his face, a crease forming between his brows as he begins to turn restlessly as if caught in a nightmare. his breath grows ragged, the metal frame creaking as he pulls at his bonds, and then he wakes with a gasp, abruptly sitting up and then hissing when his wrist wrenches painfully against his sudden movement. snapping out a curse, he scoots backward, lodging himself against the frame as he scrubs a hand over his eyes, now fully sober and plagued with a pounding headache. ]

[levers]

[ as always, nikolai peers into his marrow. no, jordie wasn’t perfect. he was just a kid. it’s alright hushes over him like an incantation as he folds into nikolai’s chest. a willing entombment. never lets anyone close enough to allow these little comforts. wouldn’t know how to accept them if not for nikolai. kaz tightens the arm across his stomach, face buried in his neck as he expels a shuddery breath. letting go of his anger is harder — he doesn’t know what will remain if he reaches inside himself and yanks it out.

but for nikolai, for one night, he can try. nikolai’s final, drowsy confession cements his resolve. the absurd thought that he might be safe in these arms is knocked aside by the fresh memory of the demon’s threat crawling over his skin, goosebumps left in its wake.

kaz sleeps an hour after nikolai gives into exhaustion, pulse eventually calmed by his rhythmic breathing and overwhelming closeness. sleep with another person, another body, pulls him out to sea, but kaz brekker no longer fears the dark or the depths. he dreams of floating in the endless black. it’s not so bad there. in fact, it’s warm and getting warmer. the familiar scrape of nikolai’s teeth introduces slivers of daylight to the dream, or maybe that’s just from his eyelids fluttering. he curls a hand in nikolai’s hair, encouraging him along the line of his throat with a sigh. can feel the chill snaking into his bones faster than usual, water cooling his skin.

wake up cries the voice that might be jordie. he hears his own pained whine before he understands, instinctively straining against the curve of nikolai’s arm, stronger than it’s ever been. freezing from the icy anchor marking his chest, burning hot where nikolai bruises him, the pleasure edged with stinging pain that wrings a whimper from his throat. by the time he removes himself, a haphazard tumble into the opposite corner of the bed that deprives nikolai of blankets, it’s over. no need for the wildness in his blue eyes, his heart scrambling like a wounded animal in his chest. a nightmare, except when he touches the fresh mark at his throat, it throbs. can trace the tenderness carved into his chest, too. and then there’s the nausea, churning his insides. dead real.

he bends over the side of the bed to dry heave and spies his discarded shirt from the night before, tugging it over his head in time to see nikolai begin to thrash. it ends too quickly for him to act, delayed by the whirring calculations on whether it’d be safe to do so. as he pushes himself up on one arm, his wide eyes slice to nikolai. in seconds it becomes clear that he’s alright, to a degree, awake and in control. okay. ]

Nikolai. [ voice even rougher with sleep. kaz forces himself upright, scooting to nikolai’s side and reaching behind him to untie his wrist with a single pull. just as quickly, kaz captures his wrist in his hands, soothing the reddened, bruised skin, exposed in the crack of light sneaking past the curtains. tired features surely hint at his worry, tension straining the muscles of his arm, difficult to control. it was a dream sits on the tip of his tongue, but dreams are hardly so different from reality. If it feels real, it is real. ]

Brandy catching up with you? [ concern and curiosity dovetail, the answer to nikolai’s behaviour hidden somewhere in his brilliant mind. he once read that you can only ever feel terror for yourself — horror is what comes at the prospect of something terrible befalling the ones you love. perhaps because you can’t do anything to stop it. but you can, you will. he reaches to wrap his fingers around nikolai’s other wrist, tugging it from his face. his mouth quirks on both sides. ]

There you are. [ the seams of the princely mask showing in the morning light. kaz kisses the inside of his wrist before fear of the undertow can waylay him. ] Bad dream? [ his heart pangs (and his chest aches, psychosomatic or genuine, he still struggles to differentiate between the two). ]

[ravkas]

[ a part of him expects to wake as alone as he always does, so he starts when kaz magics the knot loose and covers bruises new and old with a careful hand. he's here, just as he asked for, though more dressed than when he'd last closed his eyes. it's no matter. perhaps the close contact was just too much for him. kaz's familiar rasp chases away the foggy remnants of the garish nightmare knocking about his skull — the bed soaked with blood, kaz's throat bared open, collarbones exposed and glistening in the light. he fights the urge to put his hands on him, to trace the lines of his unbroken skin. he won't give form to his fears, won't give the monster that sort of victory. reaches deep for a smile instead, meeting kaz's eyes, briefly illuminated by the scant rays sneaking through the window. ]

I'm fine. It was nothing important. [ he always knew the nightmares would come. even kaz brekker can't keep those at bay. he'd like to slide back beneath the covers, take kaz back into his arms and nose along his sleep-warmed skin, but his rattled nerves won't allow it. kaz doesn't look as rested as he should. perhaps all of nikolai's far-fetched dreams to spend their nights together aren't so prudent after all.

he pulls away from kaz's gentle grip, sliding to the edge of the bed as his eyes fall on the broken kaleidoscope. something to focus on. he scoops the pieces up in his blackened hands and stands, crossing the room to the window where he parts the curtains and cracks the window open. the broken bits of mirror sparkle in the sunlight as he tips the pieces outside to discard them. his head throbs at the blinding reflection. ]

Did you dream? [ of the water. of the monster. he fastens the cylinder shut, then turns to slip it back into the pocket of his coat (again), draped on the back of a chair. then he yawns, stretching his arms above his head as he pads back to the bed, kneeling on the mattress with a smile playing sweetly on his lips. this is like any other morning, like a hundred mornings he's had in his youth. (this is like no other morning he's ever had, because he's never had a morning waking with kaz.) hands snaking to kaz's hips, they slide beneath his shirt to grip his warm skin and pull him close, pressing a kiss to his mouth. ] Good morning. You look exceptionally —

[ something catches his eye at the flutter of kaz's collar. he gently nudges the fabric aside to reveal an angry mark at kaz's collarbone, bright and fresh. nikolai stops kissing him, pushing his shirt open, his gaze falling on the claw marks raking over his skin. something goes cold inside of him, the demon stirring. ]

When did this happen? [ all mirth gone from his voice, his eyes hard as they flit to kaz's. in the night. it could only have happened in the night. he pulls back, letting his shirt fall away, taking a step from the bed. why doesn't he remember? an old and sudden fear grips him, his mind unraveling and his will along with it, the dangers he could unleash on the people he loves. he wants to strip kaz bare and see what other hurts he inflicted on him in the night, what other things he's keeping from him for — what? to spare his feelings? to allow him to have his childish wishes no matter how daft or dangerous? ] What the hell is the matter with you, Brekker? When you should stay, you go. When you should go, you stay. How am I to teach you this? [ he pulls in a tight breath, an incredulous laugh bubbling out of him. ] I hurt you last night, and you've said nothing about it. Why would you keep this from me?

[levers]

[ from the moment nikolai seemingly returns to himself, kaz knows he has to cobble together the right words to discuss what happened. his nightmare-addled brain suffers a momentary distraction in the form of nikolai thieving the kaleidoscope again. another pang. he supposes one night of good behaviour isn’t enough to win nikolai’s favour back. doubtful that he has another one in him, so really, best to get this over with — eyes studious in their search for black wisps, spine coiled with tension.

then, nikolai’s here. touching him with cold hands — a temperature change from the air, not the demon — unless — a kiss he freezes under, unable to return it with claws in his flesh — nikolai’s true smile, unmistakable — fleeting, curdling — even now that nikolai sees, there’s more to explain, including things he intended to share and details he’d rather omit.

kaz’s expression flattens as nikolai quickly changes course, narrowing onto a well-worn track, taken in novyi zem and fjerda both. horror, anger, disappointment (the last smarts more than he’ll admit, even to himself). that must be him. the questions come too quick to warrant answers, so he waits for them to stall, brows lifting. ]

[ evenly, ] Because it didn’t happen last night. It happened just now. [ his scowl deepens. ] You might find allowing me to answer your first question would save you from chasing an uncharitable line of inquiry. [ nevermind that he did withhold information. still, hard to say whether the first incident was the creature or his own demons, encroaching on his life the way they always do. only the physical evidence of injury proves outside interference. ] And since I don’t know what triggered it, I thought it wiser to calm you before provoking your bloodthirsty lodger into eating my crows. [ at the sound of conflict, they’d be up the stairs in seconds, canon fodder for the demon seeking to make a point without killing kaz brekker himself. he pushes to the edge of the bed and snags nikolai’s wrist before he can stagger farther from him. ]

You can check me for injuries now and curse me later. [ a note of pleading colours his voice. they don’t have the luxury of giving into fear or rage yet, with a third party poised to intervene. ] Just stay with me — because this is worse than either of us thought. [ no doubt revealing that he suspected the demon’s involvement in nikolai’s banishment. why else would zoya send her second so far from the throne? she sent the demon to your city, your bed. anger sparks low in his gut. he knows then: they kept something from you. immediately, it’s difficult to take his own advice and stay present. his rasp sharpens, abrading his throat. ] It spoke with your voice. It moved with your person. [ his thumb presses down on nikolai’s pulse, hard enough to irritate the tender skin, and pulls him closer, between his legs. ] In the dark, I couldn’t see if there were shadows on your skin. [ kaz’s hand cups his cheek, thumb dragging down where black lines once disrupted his constellation of freckles. ] This was the only tell. A coldness where you should have been warm. [ a beat. he swallows. ] And you know I find that more difficult to pick up on than most. [ doesn’t know how to disclose his other weakness, the things he sees and hears that aren’t real but feel real and invariably muddy his ability to distinguish nikolai’s voice from the one in his head. you can’t. it’s a level of brokenness that no one else should risk cutting themselves on. worse, it’s a tool for the demon’s already considerable arsenal.

grip vicelike on his wrist, kaz traces the underside of nikolai’s jaw. his eyes soften and harden in the same breath, decision made. ]

So I need you to confirm who I’m speaking to now, Nikolai. Definitively. [ in the span of a heartbeat, kaz has the tip of a knife against his throat, released from the holster inside his wrinkled dress shirt. ] Or you won’t be allowed out of here.

[ravkas]

[ it takes considerable effort to force himself to still, to listen when everything tells him to instead react. to put as much distance as he possibly can between him and the slat. he should have never come here, should have never indulged in such a foolish wish. should have stayed chained to his ship. should have kept sailing past ketterdam altogether, zoya's orders be damned. why would she send him here? does she have so much faith in kaz brekker, that he can handle his monster where no one else could? she would have done better to put a bullet in his head when she followed him out to the woods that night, another promise broken from so long ago. or does she expect kaz to do that, too?

listen. kaz's thumb digs into his wrist, winding back his spiraling thoughts. it moved, it spoke. he huffs a breath and looks away. familiar. weeks spent trying to apologize to zoya for stalking her in the bell tower, for nearly killing her. his gaze returns when kaz's hand cradles his cheek, wanting both to draw nearer and pull away. a tremor moves through him with the effort of doing neither. he catches the sudden flicker of trepidation in kaz's eyes, the strain of admitting to such a blind spot, the difficulties of parsing through dreams and reality. the demon will prey on such a thing. it already has.

before he can say a word, a blade presses to his throat, metal warmed by kaz's skin. he imagines pressing closer, allowing the blade to sink into his flesh, to put an end to this prolonged misery. to keep kaz safe. would he forgive him? unlikely. but he would keep moving, free of this. free of him. a better alternative than waking one day and finding kaz's body beside him instead of a bloodied wild animal. ]

How can you truly know? [ his eyes fall on the bright scratches, voice faraway. he can't remember. how can he not remember such a thing? he wants to laugh at his own surprise. there have been gaping holes in his memory since the start of this, horrors buried deep he has yet to unearth. kaz's eyes glitter like hardened gems in the morning light, like the broken pieces of the kaleidoscope falling into the streets below — and nikolai is falling with them, grasping for purchase, trying to cobble together a way out of this when the brambles are crowding in on him once more.

how has it come to this? kaz is staring straight into his eyes and can't be sure it's him. absurd how much the thought stings. fear slithers down his spine, that if he opens his mouth again he'll find he's been robbed of speech, that it's the monster in control. he curls his hand into a fist, blunt nails digging crescents into his palm. there's a way. there's always a way. he just has to find it.

the blade draws blood as he surges forward, the sharp blossom of pain grounding him. he cages kaz against the bed frame, both hands gripping the metal, his breath quickening. red blooms over the pale frills of his collar. ]

I almost killed Zoya once. In Balakirev. I broke free one night and she chased me up to a bell tower. I terrorized her that night. I broke her arm, fed off of her fear. Toyed with her. The monster enjoyed it. Tolya nearly didn't make it in time. [ shame floods his face, anguish creeping into his eyes, but his voice holds steady. ] And I spoke then, too. I said her name. I've — I've never been able to speak in this form, Brekker. I've tried and I can't. But she said I did, and now — you —

[ he stops, blood dribbling down his throat, a thick drop landing on kaz's shirt. the connection is clear as daylight, laid out before him like a path so wide he's shocked he's never seen it before. he loved zoya. loves her still, will go to his grave pledging loyalty to her despite how he currently wants to toss her into the sea. and kaz... he blinks at him, a moment of panic crossing his features before he sweeps it into a box and locks it away. fuck. ]

I handed you to the monster. [ his grip sags, his words dropping to a whisper. he should have known. saints, he should have known. ] This is all my doing.

[ he has to get out. his gaze hardens with anger, with desperation. a flicker of black fractures from the corner of his eye, spiraling down his cheek, gone in a blink. a growl, ] It's me. You know it's me. Get this knife out of my face and let me leave, Brekker. I have to get away from you. I will handle this on my own, and I don't want or need your help.

[levers]

[ every time, it goes like this: kaz has him and then, suddenly, he loses his grip.

despite the storm in nikolai’s mind, he edges closer to kaz — shelter, of a kind, for the unimaginably desperate. and nikolai is desperate, the look in his eye akin to zenik on parem and jesper asking for it. as nikolai towers over him, kaz tips back, careful to avoid cutting his jugular. still blood trickles down his blade and stains his shirt. this time, he recognises his burning flesh as imagined, molting to make up for how he wounds nikolai when he should be stroking his hair and marking his freckled collarbone. every nerve alights with the instinct to shove him off. sweat on his brow from the proximity and features tight with concentration, his heart snarls in his chest. the revelation that zoya and tolya nearly died fighting the creature both surprises him and slots neatly into place. it’s unlike nikolai to share such information. it’s very like the nichevo'ya to spill blood. and still you let him near.

although he studies how nikolai’s face fractures, he can’t say why it happens at all, a matter further confused by nikolai’s would-be explanation. i handed you to the monster. how? simply by coming here? his final words graze a nerve made raw by their last encounter. ]

Fuck off, Nikolai. [ a retort so speedy and unrefined, his mouth snaps shut. in its aftermath, he blows out a frustrated breath, hissing his next words. ] We’ve been here before. [ with nikolai lashing out at everyone, including himself, while his terminal heroism kicks up a fuss. ] I know it's you — [ tipping his jaw upward in open challenge, voice thick. ] I’ll keep knowing because I know you, even when my perception fails me. [ that’s how he’ll pick apart the demon from the man. a simple answer, the very same he gave the last time nikolai tried to sever their bond with far more precise slashes. ]

[ baring his teeth, ] And I also know that I’m the only person cleverer than you. [ a daredevil’s confidence in the slant of his eyes. nikolai has been a puzzle from the start, and kaz might finally have his missing pieces in hand, however razored and misshapen. if the demon can speak, it can listen. if it desires food and fear, it has desires, like anything else. all levers that he can pull. ] Of course I can help. [ but you can’t save him. not without his cooperation. at a certain point, one has to want to be saved. reluctantly, he slips the knife back in his sleeve, red smudging a trail from fingertip to wrist, and holds his hand aloft. ] Why won’t you let me? [ the shackle of fingers around his pulse loosens, but nikolai will still have to be the one to pull away. ] You can’t honestly believe distance will protect anyone when our dearest demon’s clever enough to hunt and speak. If you go now, you’ll have the little farm boys in neighboring Lij for a midnight snack.

[ provided no one in ketterdam injures him before then, which isn’t entirely out of the question. there’s nazyalensky and zenik’s spies to account for as well, with eyes in every wall of the city. ]

[ravkas]

[ his mind starts, stops. starts again. options shuffled through and thrown out just as swiftly. kaz deflates his only plan with cruel precision, raking up a sudden flurry of memories better left undisturbed — the spill of blood down his throat, the crunch of bone between his jaws. he's sorry when he withdraws the knife, his gaze pinned to the smear of red trailing a path across the length of his palm. panic seeps from the locked box. no amount of sitting on the lid can staunch it. ]

I can't. [ his eyes ache, head pulsing. just last's night brandy. he swallows when his throat tries to seize. ] I can't bear to repeat it. I won't. [ the demon's crimes in ravka, in fjerda. his crimes. to lose control here in the home that kaz built for himself, to hear those cries again, the give of flesh and the scent of death filling his dreams — he wants to pull away, and he nearly does, but then pushes forward instead, careless as always. the sharp, perceptive part of him that can't be turned off no matter what state he's in knows kaz is reaching his limit — breath short, skin clammy, his heartbeat rabbiting in his chest despite his dogged words. but the part of nikolai that feels his back pressed into a corner needs somewhere to turn to. ]

You can't let me. [ lose control. lose himself in such a harrowing, unforgivable way. more and more burdens, more demands piled onto kaz's shoulders. his hand twists in kaz's shirt, fine tremors plaguing his body. the fear sown into his heart so long ago finally bearing fruit. his parted lips just barely skirt kaz's mouth, pressing close so that he can hide his face in his dark hair. warm wetness from his bloodied throat smears over kaz's skin. ] Don't let me. I beg you. I won't survive it again.

[ he clutches at kaz's back, fingers digging into his spine. he should go, while kaz still lets him. but kaz always lets him — go, come back, fall apart. it's as if he has an inherent understanding of what he needs even when nikolai can't parse them out for himself. but he shouldn't always give in to them. his breath shudders, guilt climbing up his throat.

hoarsely, ] Promise me. Promise you won't let it happen again. [ more than anything, he needs this reassurance. he pulls back, his eyes a wild storm of desperation and shame. his hand cups the side of kaz's jaw, forcing him close. ] Swear to me, Brekker. Swear that you'll hunt me down yourself. Swear that you'll kill me. That's how I want you to help me. Now please, let me do the rest on my own. I want to be alone. And you — [ he slides his fingertips along the sweat at kaz's temples, loosens his grip. tries to steady himself. the smell of blood hangs heavy in the air. ] You need to be.

[levers]

[ his shot hits the target with deadly precision. nikolai’s features crumple in confirmation of the counterstrike, sobered from his anger and left with nothing but the pain, burrowed deeper than any knife. you knew it would hurt. yes, intimately. just as expected and terrible to hear his silver tongue reduced to a stutter, all nikolai’s brilliance gone with the killing blow. now, he recognises why his heart aches, the kind of empathetic burn that he tried so hard to guard against for years — his shaky arms wrap around nikolai fiercely even as nausea scales his ribs. the miasma of death surrounds this place, but he supposes it always has.

that the perennially lonely nikolai wants to be alone stings, too, the sensation edged with humiliation (inherent in the acknowledgment that kaz brekker has reached his limit; that he has limits, when he should be an untireable, relentless thing). there’s no denying that wretched weakness, with gloves or without them. and still he hates the consuming, bottomless feeling that overtakes him most of all, when nikolai speaks of death. his hand covers nikolai’s on his cheek, pressing it there briefly (defiantly) in spite of the cold. ]

I’ll slit your throat before I let you hunt in my city. [ that, at least, is true. he’d do it for ketterdam and nikolai both, thinking of how he’d drifted as a spectre in fjerda and declined in his ravkan prison. ] If your demon’s listening, and I have reason to believe it is, it ought to remember that. [ meeting his gaze all the while, he tugs nikolai’s hand from his face. ] You have my word, Nikolai, but don’t you dare go down easy. [ reaching inside his shirt, he retrieves a torn slip of paper from the interior pocket and presses it into nikolai’s hand. if he opens its neat fold, he’ll find an address in kaz’s slanted writing. ]

Follow the geldstraat to the southern outskirts. Back door’s a Schuyler lock. [ not exactly to nikolai’s specifications, seeing as it’s a preexisting safehouse, but he feels the need to offer something and exert control somehow. can’t be still in the face of a problem any more than nikolai. ] Otherwise, Milena works at the White Rose most nights. She’ll make time to see you if you mention my name. [ given the red pearling at his neck. he hesitates. ] You might be unable to find me for the next few days if — [ if nikolai looked, if he even wished to see him; he won’t be at his desk. choking down his pride, kaz tries to imagine how nikolai felt when he disappeared in the night. wont to repeat that offence, his expression tips from momentarily shamed into his typical acidity. ] But Anika can reach me in the event you need to be shot before the weekend.