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[ravkas]

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( psl — not caring while caring deeply au, nikolai/kaz )

[ravkas]

"in the dream i don't tell anyone, you put your head in my lap."

levers | RANDOM SCENARIO MEME | MAY 2021 kaz's decidedly unfriendly disposition comes as no surprise at this point, even when he's in need of aid, and nikolai is a breath away from pointing out that he simply cannot keep bleeding onto his deck when kaz seemingly relents, giving orders as if nikolai is not still a king at heart. levers | SHIPPING PIC PROMPTS | JUN 2021 another thing not allowed, apparently, is keeping secrets from brekker. he has not listened to a word since unraveling the map, too busy trying to formulate an idea of how he can surreptitiously jail himself for the night, but the silence stretches for a moment too long, snapping him back to the present. what did he say? levers | OPEN POST | JUN 2021 he flies to the deck, lands with a rattle of chains — and then spies movement. panic seizes him, and he loses his tenuous bit of control. kaz brekker is on the deck, maybe going to his cabin, maybe prowling the ship in sleeplessness or deep thought, maybe defying his orders just for the hell of it. nikolai has never wanted so badly to hit someone in his life. he has never wanted to hurt someone less. levers | OPEN POST | JUN 2021 a sense of unease rests heavily at his shoulders as they trek across the snow, and he's turning to tell kaz as much when anika disappears below ground. he barks out tamar's name when she goes after her, then has to forcibly haul kaz back before he loses him too — but then the ground disintegrates beneath their feet and they're falling, falling, and he can't move fast enough to stop kaz from twisting to take the brunt of their landing. levers | OPEN POST | JUL 2021 after snagging two crystal glasses, he strides down to kaz's room and catches the healer leaving with a scowl. unsurprising — kaz is remarkably resistant to grisha healers. he's remarkably resistant to a lot of things, and surprisingly open to others, the most interesting puzzle nikolai has set his hands to in quite some time. he enters without knocking. levers | OPEN POST | JUL 2021 kaz's bare hand is cool against the burning heat of his forehead, his eyes fluttering shut, and he's a breath away from leaning into him when he abruptly feels the loss of his presence, gone as quick as a ghost. kaz is somewhere else when he glances at him, blue eyes wide, staring down at his hands as if they've betrayed him. maybe they have. maybe he's feeling the waters again, feeling death and decay while nikolai strays further away from himself. levers | OPEN POST | SEP 2021 he shrugs it off when tolya reports that kaz has sailed back to ketterdam, but he tries again that night to write a letter, hoping it will ease the perplexing ache in his chest. what can he say? his bed feels empty and so do his arms. he misses their late nights together, watching the candlelight dance across the angles of kaz's sharp face. the ground feels too steady beneath his feet these days, the gently rocking waves too faraway. levers | OPEN POST | OCT 2021 he drinks until he can't see straight, then pulls out the little box left untouched since the moment kaz threw at it him that night they last spoke. he spends half an hour drunkenly trying to make sense of the puzzle, then throws a robe on and leaves his chambers, walking carefully down the darkened hallway toward kaz's suite, waving at the guard to open the doors for him. the perks of being nikolai lantsov. he doesn't bother announcing himself, slipping inside, half-expecting a knife to his throat as he slides heavily onto the bed, smelling of sweet brandy, brow furrowed, unfocused eyes trained on the box in hand. levers | OPEN POST | DEC 2021 nikolai always knew that one day he'd enter the hellishly sunlit guest suite and find it abruptly empty, devoid of all personal effects, as untouched as before brekker had ever set foot in the palace, but it takes him by surprise all the same. foolishly, he turns over the pillows, opens the drawers, even runs his fingers behind the heavy paintings hanging from the walls, unsure of what he's looking for but hoping that he would've left something behind. a note. a puzzle. some clue for him to follow. even a sign telling him not to follow would have been better than the emptiness of knowing that kaz left without a word, without so much as a goodbye. levers | OPEN POST | DEC 2021 he'd never join kaz's gang. things would always be like tonight, an extraneous addition, perhaps helpful here and there for his exceptional set of skills, but overall unnecessary. the last thing he said to kaz in os alta was that he didn't need him anymore, and now sprawled out on kaz's (small) bed waiting for the room to stop spinning, he realizes it's an enduring truth that's followed him all the way across the sea. levers | OPEN POST | JAN 2022 it's dusk when he locks himself in the cellar with a stockpile of nourishment and brandy, iron fetters clicking around his freshly bandaged wrists and throat. the monster is starving, but he doesn't allow it a final hunt. his will is strong enough to get him through this. it has to be. it's the reason the darkling didn't choose imprisonment or torture to punish him with, fates too easy for him to endure. he thinks of his last words to zoya. it's not wise to starve a monster. but starve it he will, until it heels under his command once more. until one of them gives. it won't be him. levers | OPEN POST | JAN 2022 he wakes alone in a bed in the safe house, the curtains cracked open to filter in the yellow rays of the afternoon sunlight. no chains. kaz must be feeling generous, or more likely has dimitri stationed outside the door, prepared to drop his heartbeat should the need arise. it won't. he feels like himself again, or at least the version of himself he's still growing accustomed to. it's tempting to consider pulling the covers over his head and remaining in bed until nightfall, but he forces himself to rise despite how his sore body creaks in protest.