don't. stop talking like it's an inevitability. you can't just give up and leave me behind. i can't do any of this without you.
[ it isn't a goodbye, but it rings clear with the omen of one — nikolai lantsov's final promise to her, a swan song she doesn't want to hear. the same old, familiar dread spikes through her — an old friend that had stayed with her through the war when nikolai had disappeared in the attack on os alta. when her knife had plunged through mal's heart. when fedyor's deadened eyes had peered back at her. that haunting prophecy that she would, at the end of it all, find herself alone.
they've lost too much, and given too many goodbyes for her to add another to the list. ]
it's funny. out of everything you've just said about me, it's only the last part i believe.
[ i wish i didn't even know you. sometimes, she wishes none of them had ever known her at all. sometimes, she wishes for ratty clothing and lumpy mattresses in an orphanage that's as lost to her as that girl who didn't dare to dream for more than a full stomach. that girl who might have had those quiet, peaceful moments in the countryside with mal, who would have never known to reach for her powers. sometimes, she wishes she could pretend she could ever part with the light inside of her.
she had stopped mourning the death of that impossible fantasy long ago. ]
maybe because you've made it the easiest to believe. so much for not adding me to your list of regrets.
i'm not giving up. not until i've tried everything.
[ but he still feels like his options are narrowing each day, that the beast sinks its claws in deeper and deeper each time he wakes. he's never felt this sort of hopelessness before, not once, not until now. it's a breaking dam he's trying to hold shut with little success. it's poison, this heavy feeling that all his efforts are for naught, and while he normally finds that particular darkness easy to resist, he knows by alina's defeated tone that he's already let it infect him. ]
do you believe that i love you? that it's because i love you that it's hard for me not to feel like i've dragged you into something i'm not sure i can pull us out of? even if you hadn't bound the monster to you, it would still be inside of me. i don't want you to think this is your fault. i miss you dearly. lie to me and tell me that love is enough to get us through this.
we saved the world because we dared to dream of a better future for ravka. now it's time to dream of a better future for ourselves.
[ she wishes she could bring herself to believe it — that the darkling's deeds have no reflection on her, that she isn't the catalyst that's put this in motion — but the ghost of that collar is still a vice at her throat, and those corpses still sway on oak branches when she closes her eyes. absently, her fingers brush over the place it used to rest, whispering over her collarbone. ]
it's enough for me. can you ever let yourself accept that? will you ever let that be enough?
Edited (how did i forget A WHOLE ASS WORD) 2021-02-18 05:26 (UTC)
it hasn't been enough for us yet. it hasn't stopped this thing from wanting to hurt you.
[ whether it wants to hurt her or simply wants her attention is still a mystery to him. he thinks that perhaps both can be true at the same time. the monster's affections could very well be deadly. ]
but for the nikolai apart from this beast, it's enough. i just don't know how much of that person is left.
you should rest. a queen doesn't accessorize with exhaustion.
i wouldn't worry if i was you. you've done a better job of hurting me tonight than your monster ever could.
[ you should rest, he's said, but there is no rest for the hollow pang in her chest. still, she regrets lashing out with the sharp, wounded truth; his foundation is already crumbling, held together by eroding strength, without adding a weight that could topple it. ]
i'm tired of people loving me enough to die for me. love me enough that you want to live. love me enough that you believe me when i tell you this isn't how it ends. not for you. not for us.
nikolai lantsov hasn't fought any battles he couldn't win. except when he picks a fight with the sun summoner, but there's an exception to every rule. together, we won't lose.
when my entire world flipped on its head, you were one of its only bright spots. and now you're its brightest spot. my own sun. so no, my faith in you isn't even a little misplaced.
did mal ever tell you what happened at the chapel? after you had taken your parents and baghra during the darkling's attack.
[ it's too late to reconsider slipping back into the darkness of that memory and the despair that clouds it. still, she hesitates for a moment longer, before: ]
i tried to kill us both - the darkling and i. and i would have succeeded if mal hadn't stopped me before it was too late. i could lie to you and say it was for mostly noble reasons. but i was tired. tired of failing the people around me. tired of wondering what i would become. tired of drowning in guilt. tired of seeing him every time i closed my eyes. i wanted an end to living in fear. to waking up and wondering what i would lose that day, what new pain was in store for us.
sometimes i look at how far we've come, and i think of everything i never would have gotten to have. everything i didn't know i would miss out on. i can't imagine missing out on you.
[ now that the immediate hurt has evaporated, now that her mind is no longer obscured by it, it's tempting to apologize for failing to hear what he's been asking for all along. ]
i wonder if you think i'll stop loving you now that i've seen you at your worst. you're wrong. i didn't only marry your easy parts. i married the ugly ones, too. and i won't turn away from them. you don't have to be perfect and charming and easy to bear to deserve that. you can be difficult and flawed and exhausted, and it still won't convince me to love you any less. because loving you is no great burden, nikolai lantsov. you can't make me regret marrying you, so stop trying. if you don't believe me, i'll just have to keep reminding you until you're sick of hearing it.
Edited (noticing my mistake literal hours later is Embarrassing i'm so sorry) 2021-02-19 20:53 (UTC)
[ he knows what that feels like. to be unbearably tired, to have no reprieve even when he closes his eyes, drowning in his failures and his guilt and wanting nothing more than to just lay down and stop. to end all of it. and it hurts something right at the center of his chest to know that alina has been carrying that as well — carrying it alone, in his absence. carrying it alone even now because he hasn't been strong enough to carry them both. ]
you've kept me going through all of this while carrying the heaviest burdens of your own. you don't need a crown. you don't even need this title forged from our marriage. it's my honor to stand beside you, alina. in that i feel unbelievably lucky. you're not weak for wanting an end to this. i only wish that i was there for you to lean on.
i admit it's not comfortable to have you see me like this. a part of me has been waiting for you to reach your limit of me. i've been wishing for it and dreading it at once because i'm the fool who's never been loved like this. dominik never saw these parts of me. you've never given me a reason to doubt you and yet i've done that all the same. i'm sorry. i truly am. you remind me every day of why i'd choose you again and again. it seems i just wasn't listening the way i should've been. but i'm listening now. i can't do this without you, either. more than that, i don't want to.
i don't think anything or anyone could have stopped me from trying to put an end to it. if i had spilled even half of the secrets i was carrying, you would have all thought of me as mad. you're not to blame for that. i wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling the way that you do, so don't think you have to put on a brave face and try to hide it from me. i might not like some of what you say, but i told you — we're partners. i want all of you. not just the portions you think i want to see. and i'm getting annoyingly good at seeing through it, anyway.
my love doesn't come with conditions. that isn't really love at all. and just so you know — if i had known you would be harboring a monster in our future, i still would have kissed you that night. for someone who loves their reflection so much, you obviously don't know your worth in my eyes. the next time you doubt me, i'm going to push you into a very large, very prickly bush. will you still choose me then?
you're mad for marrying me and even more so for staying this long. but i suppose i'm a bit mad, too. so don't hide those parts of yourself from me, either. i know i ask a great deal of you, and i expect even more. but we are partners. and i want all of you as well.
i do love when you threaten me. i would choose you then and every other time after that.
true, marrying you might be the most insane thing i've done. and one of the best. i don't care about crowns and titles, but i care about you. i care about seeing your plans for ravka through. if this was a competition, though, you'd win the award. your unhealthy appetite for death-defying antics crowns you the victor of insanity. it's fortunate that you're so handsome, really. it balances everything out. let yourself enjoy that hard-earned compliment. once you try to use it against me, i'm going to deny ever saying it.
you're going to regret asking for it, but you're welcome to all of me. thorns and all.
i think you could do this on your own, if you had to. you're surrounded by grisha, and you're still as strong as any of us. but i'm glad that you chose me, anyway. even if that makes me selfish. maybe you'll have better luck with zoya tonight than you've had with me. her threats are infinitely more gruesome. and her heart is less soft than mine, especially when you're involved. if anyone can help you tame impossible beasts, it's our resident disciplinarian.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
you can't just give up and leave me behind. i can't do any of this without you.
[ it isn't a goodbye, but it rings clear with the omen of one — nikolai lantsov's final promise to her, a swan song she doesn't want to hear. the same old, familiar dread spikes through her — an old friend that had stayed with her through the war when nikolai had disappeared in the attack on os alta. when her knife had plunged through mal's heart. when fedyor's deadened eyes had peered back at her. that haunting prophecy that she would, at the end of it all, find herself alone.
they've lost too much, and given too many goodbyes for her to add another to the list. ]
it's funny. out of everything you've just said about me, it's only the last part i believe.
[ i wish i didn't even know you. sometimes, she wishes none of them had ever known her at all. sometimes, she wishes for ratty clothing and lumpy mattresses in an orphanage that's as lost to her as that girl who didn't dare to dream for more than a full stomach. that girl who might have had those quiet, peaceful moments in the countryside with mal, who would have never known to reach for her powers. sometimes, she wishes she could pretend she could ever part with the light inside of her.
she had stopped mourning the death of that impossible fantasy long ago. ]
maybe because you've made it the easiest to believe.
so much for not adding me to your list of regrets.
no subject
not until i've tried everything.
[ but he still feels like his options are narrowing each day, that the beast sinks its claws in deeper and deeper each time he wakes. he's never felt this sort of hopelessness before, not once, not until now. it's a breaking dam he's trying to hold shut with little success. it's poison, this heavy feeling that all his efforts are for naught, and while he normally finds that particular darkness easy to resist, he knows by alina's defeated tone that he's already let it infect him. ]
do you believe that i love you?
that it's because i love you that it's hard for me not to feel like i've dragged you into something i'm not sure i can pull us out of?
even if you hadn't bound the monster to you, it would still be inside of me. i don't want you to think this is your fault.
i miss you dearly.
lie to me and tell me that love is enough to get us through this.
no subject
now it's time to dream of a better future for ourselves.
[ she wishes she could bring herself to believe it — that the darkling's deeds have no reflection on her, that she isn't the catalyst that's put this in motion — but the ghost of that collar is still a vice at her throat, and those corpses still sway on oak branches when she closes her eyes. absently, her fingers brush over the place it used to rest, whispering over her collarbone. ]
it's enough for me.
can you ever let yourself accept that?
will you ever let that be enough?
no subject
it hasn't stopped this thing from wanting to hurt you.
[ whether it wants to hurt her or simply wants her attention is still a mystery to him. he thinks that perhaps both can be true at the same time. the monster's affections could very well be deadly. ]
but for the nikolai apart from this beast, it's enough.
i just don't know how much of that person is left.
you should rest. a queen doesn't accessorize with exhaustion.
no subject
[ you should rest, he's said, but there is no rest for the hollow pang in her chest. still, she regrets lashing out with the sharp, wounded truth; his foundation is already crumbling, held together by eroding strength, without adding a weight that could topple it. ]
i'm tired of people loving me enough to die for me.
love me enough that you want to live.
love me enough that you believe me when i tell you this isn't how it ends.
not for you. not for us.
nikolai lantsov hasn't fought any battles he couldn't win.
except when he picks a fight with the sun summoner, but there's an exception to every rule.
together, we won't lose.
no subject
your faith in me feels a bit misplaced, but it does encourage me to rise to the challenge.
i do hate losing. and i don't enjoy feeling this pitiful.
i want to make you happy.
if living is what does it, then it's what i'll do.
i don't want to leave you, alina. not when i've only just found you.
no subject
and now you're its brightest spot. my own sun.
so no, my faith in you isn't even a little misplaced.
did mal ever tell you what happened at the chapel?
after you had taken your parents and baghra during the darkling's attack.
no subject
i don't feel like that person anymore.
no. tell me.
no subject
always.
[ it's too late to reconsider slipping back into the darkness of that memory and the despair that clouds it. still, she hesitates for a moment longer, before: ]
i tried to kill us both - the darkling and i. and i would have succeeded if mal hadn't stopped me before it was too late.
i could lie to you and say it was for mostly noble reasons.
but i was tired. tired of failing the people around me. tired of wondering what i would become. tired of drowning in guilt.
tired of seeing him every time i closed my eyes.
i wanted an end to living in fear. to waking up and wondering what i would lose that day, what new pain was in store for us.
sometimes i look at how far we've come, and i think of everything i never would have gotten to have.
everything i didn't know i would miss out on.
i can't imagine missing out on you.
[ now that the immediate hurt has evaporated, now that her mind is no longer obscured by it, it's tempting to apologize for failing to hear what he's been asking for all along. ]
i wonder if you think i'll stop loving you now that i've seen you at your worst.
you're wrong. i didn't only marry your easy parts. i married the ugly ones, too. and i won't turn away from them.
you don't have to be perfect and charming and easy to bear to deserve that.
you can be difficult and flawed and exhausted, and it still won't convince me to love you any less.
because loving you is no great burden, nikolai lantsov. you can't make me regret marrying you, so stop trying.
if you don't believe me, i'll just have to keep reminding you until you're sick of hearing it.
no subject
you've kept me going through all of this while carrying the heaviest burdens of your own.
you don't need a crown. you don't even need this title forged from our marriage.
it's my honor to stand beside you, alina. in that i feel unbelievably lucky.
you're not weak for wanting an end to this. i only wish that i was there for you to lean on.
i admit it's not comfortable to have you see me like this.
a part of me has been waiting for you to reach your limit of me. i've been wishing for it and dreading it at once because i'm the fool who's never been loved like this. dominik never saw these parts of me.
you've never given me a reason to doubt you and yet i've done that all the same.
i'm sorry. i truly am.
you remind me every day of why i'd choose you again and again. it seems i just wasn't listening the way i should've been.
but i'm listening now.
i can't do this without you, either. more than that, i don't want to.
no subject
if i had spilled even half of the secrets i was carrying, you would have all thought of me as mad.
you're not to blame for that. i wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling the way that you do, so don't think you have to put on a brave face and try to hide it from me.
i might not like some of what you say, but i told you — we're partners.
i want all of you. not just the portions you think i want to see.
and i'm getting annoyingly good at seeing through it, anyway.
my love doesn't come with conditions. that isn't really love at all.
and just so you know — if i had known you would be harboring a monster in our future, i still would have kissed you that night.
for someone who loves their reflection so much, you obviously don't know your worth in my eyes.
the next time you doubt me, i'm going to push you into a very large, very prickly bush.
will you still choose me then?
no subject
but i suppose i'm a bit mad, too. so don't hide those parts of yourself from me, either.
i know i ask a great deal of you, and i expect even more.
but we are partners. and i want all of you as well.
i do love when you threaten me.
i would choose you then and every other time after that.
no subject
and one of the best. i don't care about crowns and titles, but i care about you. i care about seeing your plans for ravka through.
if this was a competition, though, you'd win the award. your unhealthy appetite for death-defying antics crowns you the victor of insanity.
it's fortunate that you're so handsome, really. it balances everything out.
let yourself enjoy that hard-earned compliment. once you try to use it against me, i'm going to deny ever saying it.
you're going to regret asking for it, but you're welcome to all of me. thorns and all.
i think you could do this on your own, if you had to. you're surrounded by grisha, and you're still as strong as any of us.
but i'm glad that you chose me, anyway. even if that makes me selfish.
maybe you'll have better luck with zoya tonight than you've had with me. her threats are infinitely more gruesome.
and her heart is less soft than mine, especially when you're involved.
if anyone can help you tame impossible beasts, it's our resident disciplinarian.