[ itβs so impossibly good that for a moment he thinks he might be dreaming this entire thing, that heβll wake alone and sticky with his own come, the girl in his arms a figment of a hyperactive and lonely imagination. alina is too good to be true. the fact that she hasnβt left yet, that he hasnβt driven her away with the unsavory parts of his life and personality seems too miraculous to be real, and yet he feels a tiny pinch of pain when she sucks a sharp bruise right above the pulse of his throat that tells him that heβs not dreaming. heβs really here with her, today and tomorrow and every other day after that, and the notion both excites and frightens him, almost too anxious to think about all the time he wants to spend with her when time isnβt guaranteed at all. this could be cut short any day, any moment, a hard-learned lesson reminding him that he needs to be present.
is this okay is what he means to say if his mouth would cooperate with his brain. as it is, the only response he can manage is a nod and a whine deep in his throat, trying to be still but it's impossible, it's impossible with the way that alina keeps pulling away to tease the sensitive head of his cock with a knowing smile that nikolai feels strangely proud of. good for her for nearly killing him. he'd be happy to die in this bliss. ]
Alina β [ it's the only word that makes sense, the only thing on his lips. he holds out as long as he can, but soon his hips rise to thrust back into her, pulling her down against him as his back hits the chair. the slow grind of sparks leaves him breathless, his arm tightening around her and one hand pushing into her hair to angle her mouth toward his, kissing her messily, desperately. ] Yes, yes, it's good β
[ so good that he knows he won't last much longer, his hips rocking against hers, his mouth sliding from her mouth to her jaw before he buries his face against the column of her throat, her hair tickling his cheek. his breath comes unsteadily, her name wrapped around a moan, again and again, and then heat blossoms inside of him, his muscles clenching as he grips her tight. ]
[ what's left of her mind distantly registers that she would give anything for nikolai to always sound like this. with her name spilling from his tongue — alina, alina, alina, like it's the only thought he can capture in a mind that rarely finds a moment of peace. like the center of his world has narrowed down to the sharp plunge of her hips, the rolling tide of his own moving to greet her, where obsessive fixations and impossible expectations have no place.
there's nothing but the two of them here, now — alina and nikolai, uncomplicated and temporarily free from the cages they've made for themselves. i end up in too many situations where i have to show people only the side that they want to see. be who they want or need me to be, he'd once confessed beneath fluorescent lights. that lonely truth resounds in her chest, a dangerous impulse that wants to give everything to a man that's offered so much of himself to the world.
for now, she can only give him the gift of unmaking him to piece him back together again. ]
Oh — [ that keening cry tumbles out of her and into the saltwater breeze, strained and sharp, as he guides her back down onto his cock in time with the rise of his hips. the shudder that rattles through her sends her quaking against him, her thighs trembling violently around the bracket of his hips. the sudden thought that only she's seen him as he is now — ruined, stripped of his control — only fractures her sanity that much further. ] Fuck, Nikolai —
[ she grinds forward, clit rubbing against his abdomen and sending strikes of electricity through her with every thrust, tender and overstimulated. his muscles constrict, a mirror of her own closeness she can sense in the clutching grasp of his hands, the imprints they sear into her waist and the clenching tug of fingers wound through her hair. another moan burns in her throat, long and low and devastated, as she rocks harder against him. ]
You're so good to me. [ it hardly measures up to the sentiments he's offered, soothing them over her old wounds like a balm. but she wants it to be enough, wants that reminder that he is more than enough, that he doesn't destroy every heart he's held in his hands, heard. she nuzzles into the skin beneath his ear, carving half-moon marks into his shoulders with the bite of her nails and breathes out, like it's a gift he can sacrifice to her: ] Come for me. Please.
[ it isn't hard to follow the command of her voice when he's already at the edge of a precipice, just barely hanging on as he clings to her body, feeling every quiver and shake that seizes her muscles, every harsh breath that escapes her lips. he ruts his hips upward again, sinking into her warm heat, and while he wishes this moment would never end, he suddenly wants to come more than anything β not just because it's been building to an impossible crescendo all this time, but because she asked him to, and he wants to give her everything.
without warning he pulls her down beside him, the chair shaking with the sudden movement, and then he's coming over his own hand, his spine arching and a desperate gasp falling from his lips. his eyes squeeze shut, breath hitching for what feels like a small eternity, and then he exhales as he slowly relaxes, turning his face toward hers to seek out her mouth for the brush of a trembling kiss.
his desire to speak is overridden by a brain slow to form words. he traces her jawline and glides a shaky hand into her hair, his forehead pressed to hers as he struggles to catch his breath. ]
Alina. [ it's a start, his voice rough. he licks his lips and swallows, trying again. ] I can't believe β no one walked in on us. Am I to be relieved or disappointed?
[ the air rushes out of her lungs, as sudden as the cushion beneath her spine. she doesn't have the heart to tease him for it, no matter the allure of witnessing the ever-composed nikolai lantsov blush to the tips of his ears, when he glows in the shimmering slips of orange-red sunlight — hair mussed into a messy halo, the tension burned away from its permanent residence in his muscle for the first time in the time she's known him, until he's only trembling muscles and shaky breaths.
her fingers grasp at his jaw, guiding him back to the warmth of her mouth to steal what little oxygen he's retrieved. her skin still feels too tight, tingling and flushed with leftover adrenaline from just watching him come undone, as she forces herself to inject that cold wash of calm back into her veins when the lazy caress of her mouth deepens. with a murmur in the back of her throat, she pulls away from his lips to nudge her temple back to his, affectionately brushing the tip of her nose to his. delaying the inevitable won't deter reality from creeping in at the edges of the paradise they've made for themselves, much as she wishes she could pull him down to drown in her again.
when her laughter comes, it's nothing but wisps of smoke, scorched out of her throat. ]
Did you want to put on a performance? Are you that starved for attention, puppy? I just gave you some. [ her head tilts upward, pressing a kiss to the corner of his eye. in the distance, she can hear the faint thrumming of a song, notes drifting through the air. a coincidence, she hopes, but the more likely truth is that his family is adamantly trying to drown them out. her nose wrinkles, voice hushed into something conspiratorial. ] I think we're going to get into trouble.
[ it's easy to settle into this, both of their bodies still warm, damp from sweat and the press of balmy air around them. he smiles at the feel of her lips, melting against her, his arm comfortably draped along the curve of her waist. the sun hasn't quite set yet, the sky fractured into brilliant reds and pinks and oranges, and he realizes this is one of those moments he wants to hold onto, this feeling of bliss and contentment, like all is right in the world, the heaviness of his burdens cast aside. it's damn near perfect, if not for the reminder of his family's presence by way of the music wafting to the lower decks. ]
I love being in trouble. Keeps the heart healthy.
[ he smiles and presses a kiss to her jaw, idly catching a glimpse of a light blinking on his phone where alina cast is carelessly to the chair next to them. he kisses her again as he reaches over to nab it, then settles back by her side as he checks his messages. ]
Should we skip family dinner tonight? I was thinking we might take the dinghy and explore some of the caves nearby. [ his thumb scrolls across the screen while he tucks himself back into his hopelessly ruined shorts, but before he can elaborate on his idea, he abruptly sits up, eyes wide. ] Aleksander is throwing a soiree and he's bringing Zoya as his guest. All of his important business contacts will be there. She said you're getting an invitation as well.
[ he turns to her, dropping his phone and clasping her hands, his eyes bright and eager. ] Will you go? You must go. We must go. Can I be your plus one? Please?
[ — and there it is, the pin that's been taken to that safe bubble of peace they've shared. her smile wavers, its corners straining for one moment longer, before that glowing happiness dims into a frown. even as she scolds herself for the ridiculousness of being envious over an inanimate object, to say nothing of the constant schemes he seems to be spinning with zoya, it stirs in her chest, worsened by the flash of guilt she feels for experiencing it at all.
not even that parting kiss can soothe it, or the sudden glint to his eyes that can spell nothing but genuine trouble — a type far less healthy than the mischief they've gotten into with his family. she turns her face from him as her fingers slip from between his hands, if only to obscure how the shine has faded so quickly from her eyes, and sets her focus on retying the side of her rumpled bikini bottoms. the palpable eagerness from him is nearly painful, if she considers the sobering facts.
this isn't about accompanying her. it can't be anything but a product of obsession or another means of getting revenge on aleksander. she shakes away the allure of the latter, as convinced as she is that aleksander won't hesitate to parade zoya in front of her. it would be almost amusing, knowing what she does of zoya's secrets, if it didn't still pick at the scabs of her insecurities. ]
I know about the soiree. The invitation was in my inbox. I accepted it this morning. [ she mutters it to nothing but the fabric in her hands when she lifts her top, though there's an edge to her voice she can't bring herself to soften when she questions, ] Wouldn't taking you as my date just ruin your genius plans? I could just take Mal instead.
[ he almost asks why she didn't tell him before he catches himself. there was no reason for her to tell him, not when she's very firmly stated that she disapproves of his schemes β and when he's stated that he doesn't want her involved. he's exploded their hazy bubble right before her eyes, possibly into her eyes if anything is to be said of the expression she's wearing. he has the grace to at least feel a pinprick of shame. ]
I'm sorry. [ he skirts a gentle hand up her thigh, shifting his expression to contrite. or at least as contrite as he can manage after such an exhilarating moment, which is to say β not very. but his tone is genuine, speaking carefully once more. ] That was very abrupt of me.
[ he should let the topic pass, perhaps until after they're back home and into some semblance of normalcy again, but he knows this is all he'll be thinking about until solid plans are made. considering her question, he inhales thoughtfully as he searches for her bikini top, finding it hanging off the edge of the chair. ]
Would Mal go? [ he frowns to himself, lifting her wrap as he helps her slip the top back on, tying it back into place behind her back. ] Perhaps you should take Mal. If Aleksander is otherwise engaged by the three of you, then that means I would have time to do some much-needed snooping. You're so pretty when you frown at me like that.
[ her hair cascades over one shoulder, idly sweeping it aside for his fingers to fiddle with the string at her back. with the focus of his attention diverted — or a fracture of it, at any rate; nikolai has a habit of sinking claws into whatever new idea has sprung into his mind, refusing to release it until it's ripped from him — she's free to scowl, mouth rolling in a purse as she considers the unfortunate consequences of inviting mal.
aleksander would undoubtedly despise it, tracking them with cold eyes, convinced as he had always been that mal would take her — like property, like a precious vase that could be stolen. mal would loathe it more than any guest aleksander invites, no matter how frequently she's clung to him like a security blanket. it hadn't been fair then, and it isn't fair now — more so when she consider zoya, and the subjecting mal to the sight of her hanging off of aleksander's arm. asking him to be well-behaved is as impossible as expecting nikolai to do the same.
she pointedly rolls her eyes as he finishes helping her redress, unwilling to hide the exasperation that radiates from her. ]
Is this your way of trying to convince me to take you? [ undoubtedly, if her options are leaving him to his own device to gather more information for his schemes or appear with him at her side to cause a scene she'll regret. she slips toward the edge of the lounge chair, pulling her knees to her chest, and stares him down over the tops of them — like he's told her a frustrating riddle and refused to grant her the answer. ] Why do you want to go so badly? At least tell me that much.
[ she is pretty when she frowns β she's pretty when she does anything at all β but he still gives in to his urge to press his thumb to her bottom lip, swiping gently to smooth away the look of exasperation directed at him. then he gives in to his second urge, cradling her face and leaning in to kiss her, his eyes falling shut, the sensation blanketing the buzz of thoughts running rampant in his head. ]
What do you say? About skipping dinner and sailing away for a bit? [ he murmurs it into her mouth, absently toying with her hair. aleksander is important, very much so, but so is this, this thing between them that sometimes feels more fragile than it should. he has to remind himself not to handle it carelessly. ] As amusing as an incredible awkward family dinner would be, I'd rather be alone with you. Plus, I'm almost a hundred percent sure that Vasily will bring up any specifics he might have overheard.
[ he rests his chin atop her knees, hands sliding to settle against her ankles. ] Anyone important in his company will be there. I'd like to press them for information. But β not going does have its perks as well. I do fancy myself a bit of a spy.
[ looking at nikolai when he's this entrenched in a grab for power is like gazing into the sun, too bright and too brilliant for the human eye to withstand it for long. she knows how this ends, how close she's come to embodying icarus — caught with his wings alight for daring to believe he could endure it, circle it, and come out unscathed. ]
I'll go if you leave your phone behind.
[ it isn't fair: the tactics he unknowingly uses to soften her, leaning into the relaxing graze of his fingers twirling with the ends of his hair, chasing the ghost of his mouth for a moment longer before she settles back. it isn't fair: to be ensnared as a pawn, manipulated on both sides, from men that have claimed to care for her — but struggle to admit they've utilized her as an asset in their games.
at least he hasn't shrouded this new strategy in secrecy, as cutting as it is to have her suspicions confirmed and her insecurities fed. her eyes drift away with a half-hearted snort, feigning interest in the crystalline glimmer of the sea refracting kisses of pink and orange, and absently wiggles her ankles in his loose grip. ]
You didn't reveal an incriminating clown fetish, so Vasily doesn't have that much to talk about at the dinner table.
[ she doesn't have her heart invested in sarcastic wit, but the corners of her lips twitch valiantly before they smooth back into a line. ]
I knew you only wanted to go for Aleksander's sake. [ the shrug she gives doesn't quite convey the unperturbed vibe she aims for. she raises a hand, digging it it through the messy disaster they've made of her hair. ] It sounds like you're going to get what you want, whether you come with me or not.
All right. I'll leave it behind. [ he doesn't particularly want to, but he also knows he should pick his battles wisely instead of indiscriminately picking all of them. ] But you should bring yours just in case we're attacked by a deep sea creature that sees you as dinner and me as an extra-sweet dessert.
[ the fading sunlight casts shadows along the planes of her face, briefly illuminating the disappointment in her gaze. nikolai's brow furrows just slightly as he lifts his head. they were so happy mere minutes before, and now a heaviness hangs between them, one familiar to him. he shakes away the thought of dominik pleading with him to stop, the image souring his tongue, and the longer he looks at alina, the more a slow realization dawns upon him. ]
Did you β [ he blinks at her in genuine surprise, his voice soft, one hand traveling along the side of her thigh. ] Did you want me to go? As just your date, I mean. As your boyfriend. I hadn't thought β I didn't think you wanted Aleksander to know you were seeing someone. Frankly, I didn't think you wanted to go at all, and I certainly didn't think you wanted to take me. Do you want me to go just for you?
[ it's a battle too easily awarded to her, a victory she should accept with grace. the sinking pit in her stomach doesn't ease away, despite it; a tangible distraction has never been a hindrance to the buzzing swarm of nikolai's mind, drifting away into his world like alice spiraling down the rabbit hole, tugged between reality and the theoretical world he's unraveling in his head.
still, some measure of palpable relief floods through her, loosening the tension furrowed between her brows when she returns her gaze to his. from the sudden deflation of her breath, it's clear she had been prepared for his refusal, and what feels like another inevitable, looming argument that both of them continue to dance away from. ]
It would spit us both out. Too bony.
[ she rolls his cheek beneath her forefinger and thumb, a light pinch, but that playfulness vanishes like an easily dispersed mirage. she wishes the answer was simple when the very question begs her to examine whether she trusts that he won't charm his way into information, even while claiming he's there for her. ]
You're not a secret. Not to me. [ as possessive as aleksander will be, as tangled as that web is going to become, granting him that control grates her. ] I just assumed you wanted to stay one. Doesn't he know you and Zoya are friends?
[ that's the assumption she had been running on, at any rate, from mal's own displeasure at discovering nikolai had introduced her to a mysterious stranger. it's mortifying to realize the misunderstanding that might have been established, but she doesn't relent, pressing her lips together. ]
I'm not going to force you. If you want to go, then go.
[ it's hardly an answer to the obvious, but the thought of needing to plead with him to choose her over his plans for subterfuge weighs like lead in her chest. ]
[ this suddenly feels too much like a game with hidden pitfalls, as if a careless word here and a casual misstep there might plunge him into the icy depths of the sea. he hardly feels the pinch to his cheek, too busy asking himself if he can really attend this party without getting into some sort of trouble, but the opportunity feels too good to pass up β and then there's the looming reality of their relationship being made public to the world, something he knew would have to take place eventually, but wanted to drag his feet on for a bit longer. ]
He doesn't know. Not really. I orchestrated a meet-cute to introduce the two of the, but I went as someone else. I have an... alter ego, if you will. Not being a Lantsov makes getting through certain situations easier for me. But, Alina β
[ he trails off, looking away as he thinks, his mind turning over possibilities as quickly as he discards them. briefly, his teeth catch his lower lip before he meets her eyes once more with a troubled gaze. ]
I know you value your privacy. And I don't want you to have to remain a secret. But it's one thing to introduce you to my family, and quite another to show up at a public gathering with people who run in the same accursed circles as they do. I'm proud to stand by your side, Alina, but I want you to know that this will change things. And I don't think you'll find that change will be for the better.
[ he can't help but feel as though this is the beginning of the end. it was for him and dominik, and he can see all the ways that alina will hate what's coming next. there are questions he needs to ask her, things he needs to tell her to prepare for, but he's silent as his chest sinks around a soft exhale, reaching for her hand to wind their fingers together. the weight of what goes unspoken hangs heavily between them. ]
I'll go with you. If you'll have me. [ a brief smile flickers over his lips, and then he presses a kiss to the top of her knee. ] I can't go to your board meetings with you, but at least in this you don't have to be alone. I'm with you, Alina. Always.
[ alter ego. the sheer, surprising absurdity of that secret is so sudden that a laugh tickles at the base of her throat — and though it's evidence of another side of himself he's stowed away from her, she forces herself to focus. his strange habits aren't the point, but his commitment to his priorities are.
his speech has all of the trappings of a rejection. a warning to soften the blow of denying her, as though to convince her that attending it alone — without mal, who might bloody his fists; without genya, who pales deathly white in aleksander's presence, from whatever unspeakable harm he's done to her — is for her own good. all of the pain he's ever caused her has always been blanketed with sweetness, but it can't prevent her from detecting that bitterness on her tongue.
as he turns, she tenses to do the same — but his hand is a warm pressure atop hers, his fingers binding her in place. a furrow forms between her eyebrows, exposing her delay in keeping pace with the hasty racing of his thoughts. ]
It's not my first time doing this. You keep forgetting that. [ reminding him of that stain on her past is unfortunate, but necessary. she isn't that same bright-eyed girl that aleksander had made his rags to riches story, a cinderella plucked from the streets and groomed to be an equal. that streak of naivety has faded, but her determination hasn't; as aware as she is that it will hardly be the same, that she doesn't have the same protection from the same vultures that stalk aleksander and nikolai now, that she'll despise every minute of speculation and invasion of their privacy — what other choice does she possibly have but to put on a brave face? ] I can handle it.
[ it's cowardly not to present her own disclaimer. that she always attends these, if only to avoid aleksander's ire from spilling over into the other aspects of her life. to keep him complacent, leveraging his obsessive fixation to find a foothold in keeping him restrained. that she doubts nikolai will particularly enjoy witnessing any of it.
selfishly, she comforts herself with the reminder that there will be time to sort out that tangled disaster for him. later, when the tension in the air isn't billowing down her throat, threatening to smother her with anxious smog. ]
If you want to, [ she corrects, emphasizes the repetition with her brief, squeezing grip. there never was any other answer for her but yes, every time he questions whether she intends to have him. to keep him. ] If you're sure. I could always find a more handsome escort. That's obviously why I suggested Mal first.
An alter ego. He's a bit rakish compared to me β certainly more rude but almost as handsome. He stays mostly virtual these days. You don't want to meet him.
[ only zoya knows about sturmhond and his less than legal adventures, a persona meant to circumvent the irritatingly cobwebby red tape that frequently puts a halt to his schemes. in hindsight, it does sound a bit ludicrous, but sturmhond has served him well, and alina doesn't need to become an accessory in this, anyway. sturmhond can pay his way out of most situations, while nikolai finds that ruining a lantsov is far more desirable than any sum of money. ]
Aleksander has the pull to keep things out of the press. I'm afraid we don't, or else... [ or else dominik would never have been made such a spectacle, but instead of saying it he just shrugs lightly, urging a casual smile to his face. ] We'll have to have an uncomfortable conversation, I'm afraid. If there's anything in your past you don't want coming out, you'll have to weigh the risk and see if it's worth the cost. And β I'm sure you can handle it, Alina. I'm not questioning your strength. It's simply that I care about you, and I wish that being with me didn't put you in a position to make such a choice. I can't help it. That part bothers me immensely.
[ he nods, tightening his hand around hers when he feels her squeeze. it seems she's determined to make this happen, and he doesn't want to back out now. ]
I want to. I'm sure. And I'm feeling a bit sensitive, so your slights against my handsomeness are not appreciated. [ his smile turns playful as he leans in to nuzzle her cheek. ] Tell me you like me most, Starlight.
You're ridiculous. [ simply put, in the most wearisome tone she can manage. an alter ego calls to mind fantastical fairytales that have no place in real life — not without a tragic finale to them — but maybe that's another privilege that's never belonged in the world she walks in. the harsher reality of empty stomachs and threadbare hand-me-downs, rather than dashing counterparts that come out of their cage when the game's rules require it. ] Shouldn't I be asking you what you're hiding?
[ whenever she thinks she's solved the puzzle of nikolai lantsov, he adds another piece for her to slot in, changing the entire picture set in front of her. it douses her like a flood of cold water — how little she still knows of him, little secrets that pour out of his hands when he can't contain them any longer. sometimes, it's like she hardly knows him at all. ]
What past? You know almost everything. [ everything but one last grand finale she has no interest in sharing with the world. dread crawls beneath her skin like pinpricks of static. it had never escaped aleksander's sharp eyes, as piercing as steel — but her old pining for mal is barely newsworthy. better to leave it to collect cobwebs than to dig it up, she thinks, when the gap he's occupied when nikolai vanishes has already left her a little unbalanced. ] What interest would they have in a boring orphan?
[ she's not fascinating in the grand scheme, something for them to tire of, but they'll have interest in her entanglement with aleksander, an inevitable that can't be avoided. the explosive coverage of that will be unbearable, if only because she's aware of the creative liberties they'll take. nikolai lantsov steals morozova's fiancee, in bright and bold letters. sordid love triangle? she scrubs a hand over her face, mouth dipping into a frown. ]
Maybe Aleksander's pride will be so hurt that he'll keep his name out of everything? [ yeah, wishful thinking. still, she hopes nikolai will have the grace to lie to her in this, at least. she heaves a sigh, her nose wrinkling to keep her smile at bay, and gently flicks the side of his head. ] I can't tell you that. I haven't met this alter ego of yours. Maybe I'd like him better than either of you.
I'm not hiding anything. He's a different person created for convenience. It's all rather dull. He just does most of the snooping and other such things I don't want my good name attached to. I'll explain it when we're back. And you're not allowed to like him more than me. No one is.
[ but he's aware of how bizarre the entire thing sounds now that he's saying it aloud, and he's eager to move on from this particular topic. he owes her a more detailed explanation, but it can wait until they're back at home and he can properly show her a sanitized version of sturmhond's activities. his pleasant expression shifts slightly, the line of his mouth thinning. ]
I'm sure the word orphan will be thrown about with little regard, but that's not really what I'm referring to. [ he's already predicted the unbearable love triangle the media will try to shove them in, which he wonders how aleksander will react to β it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility that it could work in their favor if aleksander finds the entire thing appalling, but it feels a bit like wishful thinking at this stage. he only hopes that zoya won't have to take the brunt of that particular frustration.
he glances over with contrition in his eyes. ] I mean things like nude photographs and... intimate videos. Private matters. I can guarantee you that people will look for them.
Am I really supposed to believe you disassociate while your other personality comes out to wreak havoc?
[ the deliberate distance nikolai creates between himself and his persona is — unfathomable, an absolution he's awarded himself by separating his identity in halves. it's difficult for her to process, but then — she's never been as well-adept at deceit, or tucking away her regrets and sins in a locked drawer to neatly compartmentalize the disaster of her life. she keeps her guilt close to the chest at night instead, bearing down on her ribcage until she panics for air.
her head moves to shake in something close to bemusement, but that shift in topic sends the movement stuttering. despite their earlier recklessness in fucking each other into ruins in broad daylight, heat warms her skin. the sting of sudden humiliation is uncomfortable, but not more so than the unease of discussing it with him. ]
They won't find anything. I don't just have nude photographs and sex tapes lying around, Nikolai. [ dry and unimpressed as she tries to make it sound, there's an awkwardness in her as she crosses her arms over her chest, almost protective. defensive. she doesn't have the confidence to have any dirge of them, more importantly, but she swallows down that rising insecurity. ] The one person that does have anything like that is too possessive to share them.
Well, when you say it like that it just sounds like I need a visit to the old therapist. I am large, I contain multitudes, all that and etcetera.
[ but he's no longer thinking of how to explain sturmhond β zoya was horrified at first but got over it, and he fully believes alina will as well. no, his mind is now trying to wrap itself around the confirmation of that sort of evidence of intimacy existing. a part of him is crestfallen for no reason other than the lack of even a shred of faith in aleksander's goodwill. a part of him wants desperately to believe that aleksander's possessiveness will somehow prove to be miraculous. a part of him wishes he never brought up the party in the first place.
[ blunt honesty is, at least, her specialty. a distraction from the strangled tightness in her lungs, the oxygen that doesn't want to push past her throat. karmic justice, she guesses, for insisting nikolai is the one with a need for an old-fashioned therapist to pick apart his seams and stitch them together when alina can detect her own splitting and fraying into threads. aleksander's wrath knows no boundaries, and his pride takes no prisoners once it's been slighted. counting on the obsessive nature of his fondness won't do them any favors, if she considers the nature of it as coercive blackmail, and still —
admitting to that stupid mistake of a naive girl in love is somehow worse than confessing she had fallen for any of his other saccharine lies. ]
Why would you need to film someone without their knowledge when they're already willing? [ her self-loathing drips from every word. ] What do you expect me to do, Nikolai? There's no point in planning for the worst when there's nothing we can do about it.
[ it's a joke, or at least he tells himself that it is, smiles like it is, and casually dismisses it as if that little worry isn't burrowing its way into the back of his mind. he'll ponder it later, because he doesn't have the time to watch it fester right now, not in the face of this other looming crisis that he thinks he's already handling poorly. ]
I just don't want you to be blindsided, is all.
[ his voice drops, hating his matter-of-fact tone like he's discussing the weather and not an injustice of monumental proportions. he hates that he has to think about this at all. alina's defensiveness is misplaced but he understands it all the same, trying to think of a way to diffuse this before either of them can possibly feel any worse. ]
I know how it feels to have something incredibly personal taken away and made a mockery of. [ the dark blanket of the sky surrounds them now, stars winking into existence, reflected in the steady waters. he keeps his gaze on the sliver of moon rippling gently over the surface. ] It's true that there's likely nothing we can do to stop it from eventually happening. But I'll be there for you when it does, if β if that's what you want.
[ the sea's tranquility is equally a mockery, a scene of perfect serenity when alina wants to rage in vain, wants the sea to reflect the storm of hurt that roils through her, wants any part of her life to make sense. it gently laps at the slick sides of the yacht instead, in a world that won't stop turning for even a slip of a second — just long enough to process the path she's taken to arrive here, so far from where she had started.
so far from the destination she had in mind. but her pain isn't so significant for the universe to acknowledge it, and the stars continue to twinkle. she watches their light dimly play over nikolai's cheeks before she shrinks back at his admission, and the sudden guilt that rises like bile in his throat.
he would know that violation better than anyone, and here he is, the undeserving target of her frustration. something calm and steady to vent her anger against, strong enough to weather the blows — but far from worthy of it. ]
I'm sorry. I didn't mean — I just — [ guilt thickens her voice — or maybe it's the infuriated tears that want to spring to life, now that he's made her suddenly aware of another means aleksander has to control her. ] I'm disappointed in myself. I shouldn't take that out on you.
[ her fingertips skirt over his cheek, a gentle plea to guide his eyes back to her. ]
Why would you say that? Of course I want you there. I always want you with me. [ that's half the issue, she thinks, but she doesn't give that fear a voice. instead, her eyebrows draw together. if. as though she would throw him away over her own mistakes. ] I like you more than I've liked anyone in a long time.
No, it's β it's quite all right. Don't be disappointed in yourself for trusting someone. There's nothing wrong with that.
[ the brush of warm fingertips has him leaning toward them in the hopes of more, a careful smile curving at his lips. the apology feels like more than he deserves. after all, he's the reason that this is happening. if only alina was with someone else, someone normal, someone who doesn't have to think of these hypothetical situations that nearly always come to fruition β situations where no one ever wins. he nearly offers up the solution himself, to cut her losses, to leave him, to find someone capable of giving her the peace she deserves. but even now his throat tightens in an act of rebellion, unwilling to bear the pain of losing this. of losing her.
he tries to take a breath, his heartbeat too fast in his chest, but he finds it does little good to make his lungs feel as though they're still functional. he shakes his head ruefully. ]
I just can't help but wonder if being with me is really worth all of this. I don't want you to have to go through more pain on top of what you're already shouldering. And yet β [ he leans into her, pressing a gentle kiss to her shoulder before resting his forehead against it. ] And yet I want to be selfish and say that I'm falling in love with you. It's exhilarating and it's terrifying and it's far too late for me to stop. I just want so badly to be enough for you when the time comes.
Kolya. [ the diminutive is soft in her mouth, but no less weighted with a sorrow that constricts her chest. a phantom of his own pain, resounding through her. it's too familiar for alina to ignore it, acquainted with the same doubts that rattle through her bones. the insecurities that tell her she's lacking. deficient. what's haunted her since her days in the foster home, where other children gave her a wide berth and visiting families rarely looked twice at the sickly girl clinging to mal in the corner. ] You are enough.
[ spoken like an absolution, granting him the freedom he won't allow himself. she wonders if he's never had the gift of that simple truth, or if it's too difficult to accept it for himself after dominik's happiness had been turned to shreds. she tips her chin, nuzzling into the crown of his head as he hides away in her shoulder. there's no other word for it, she thinks; he won't face her with the truth of his feelings when it's easier to confess them to her skin, as if he's afraid of what he'll find if he searches her eyes. ]
You're the only one who doesn't believe that, and I can't force you to see yourself the way I do. I just wish you trusted me when I tell you that.
[ carefully, she cups the back of his neck in an attempt to nudge him out of his hiding place. there's much more she could say — that aleksander doesn't deserve to have nikolai bear the brunt of his sins. that he knows, from her own embarrassing slip of a confession, he isn't alone in the rush of his feelings. that they'll find a way through this, somehow, even if they have to fight this battle via sheer determination. but she seals them away, for now, and focuses on a softer truth. ]
Why don't you say it? [ because i want to say isn't the same, in her book. it's as coaxing as the scratch of her nails against his scalp, waiting for him to gather himself. ] Actually say it to me.
[ those words are hard to swallow in this moment when all he can think of are the many ways this can and will go wrong. hiding their relationship will grate against them both, but exposure seems just as bad β if not worse β if it means that alina will be dragged through the mud for it. and there isn't any way he can protect her. in that, he's certainly not enough.
her fingers are a comforting weight in his hair nonetheless, reminding him of how much he aches for this, for her, and how afraid he is some days that it's going to slip right from his hands. he's afraid right now, the rapid hummingbird of his heart an uncomfortable flutter in his chest, but he can hardly deny her what he knows he should give. if he can't offer anything else, at least he can offer the truth.
he swallows, lifting his head slightly so he can meet her eyes in the quiet darkness, and though his words come out softly, they're steady, mired in his own belief. ]
I am falling in love with you, Alina Starlight. [ one hand threads gently through her hair, drawing her close so that their lips brush. ] You're extraordinary, and I can hardly help myself. Some days I'm so afraid that I'm going to break this to pieces and that you'll wake up one morning and decide enough is enough. But other days...
[ his breath slows, a quiet exhale on his lips. ] You make me happy. When I'm with you... I'm happy again. It's been some time since I felt this way. You're so dear to me just for that. Not only for that, but it's a feeling I really do treasure. And I think only you could've done this for me.
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is this okay is what he means to say if his mouth would cooperate with his brain. as it is, the only response he can manage is a nod and a whine deep in his throat, trying to be still but it's impossible, it's impossible with the way that alina keeps pulling away to tease the sensitive head of his cock with a knowing smile that nikolai feels strangely proud of. good for her for nearly killing him. he'd be happy to die in this bliss. ]
Alina β [ it's the only word that makes sense, the only thing on his lips. he holds out as long as he can, but soon his hips rise to thrust back into her, pulling her down against him as his back hits the chair. the slow grind of sparks leaves him breathless, his arm tightening around her and one hand pushing into her hair to angle her mouth toward his, kissing her messily, desperately. ] Yes, yes, it's good β
[ so good that he knows he won't last much longer, his hips rocking against hers, his mouth sliding from her mouth to her jaw before he buries his face against the column of her throat, her hair tickling his cheek. his breath comes unsteadily, her name wrapped around a moan, again and again, and then heat blossoms inside of him, his muscles clenching as he grips her tight. ]
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there's nothing but the two of them here, now — alina and nikolai, uncomplicated and temporarily free from the cages they've made for themselves. i end up in too many situations where i have to show people only the side that they want to see. be who they want or need me to be, he'd once confessed beneath fluorescent lights. that lonely truth resounds in her chest, a dangerous impulse that wants to give everything to a man that's offered so much of himself to the world.
for now, she can only give him the gift of unmaking him to piece him back together again. ]
Oh — [ that keening cry tumbles out of her and into the saltwater breeze, strained and sharp, as he guides her back down onto his cock in time with the rise of his hips. the shudder that rattles through her sends her quaking against him, her thighs trembling violently around the bracket of his hips. the sudden thought that only she's seen him as he is now — ruined, stripped of his control — only fractures her sanity that much further. ] Fuck, Nikolai —
[ she grinds forward, clit rubbing against his abdomen and sending strikes of electricity through her with every thrust, tender and overstimulated. his muscles constrict, a mirror of her own closeness she can sense in the clutching grasp of his hands, the imprints they sear into her waist and the clenching tug of fingers wound through her hair. another moan burns in her throat, long and low and devastated, as she rocks harder against him. ]
You're so good to me. [ it hardly measures up to the sentiments he's offered, soothing them over her old wounds like a balm. but she wants it to be enough, wants that reminder that he is more than enough, that he doesn't destroy every heart he's held in his hands, heard. she nuzzles into the skin beneath his ear, carving half-moon marks into his shoulders with the bite of her nails and breathes out, like it's a gift he can sacrifice to her: ] Come for me. Please.
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without warning he pulls her down beside him, the chair shaking with the sudden movement, and then he's coming over his own hand, his spine arching and a desperate gasp falling from his lips. his eyes squeeze shut, breath hitching for what feels like a small eternity, and then he exhales as he slowly relaxes, turning his face toward hers to seek out her mouth for the brush of a trembling kiss.
his desire to speak is overridden by a brain slow to form words. he traces her jawline and glides a shaky hand into her hair, his forehead pressed to hers as he struggles to catch his breath. ]
Alina. [ it's a start, his voice rough. he licks his lips and swallows, trying again. ] I can't believe β no one walked in on us. Am I to be relieved or disappointed?
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her fingers grasp at his jaw, guiding him back to the warmth of her mouth to steal what little oxygen he's retrieved. her skin still feels too tight, tingling and flushed with leftover adrenaline from just watching him come undone, as she forces herself to inject that cold wash of calm back into her veins when the lazy caress of her mouth deepens. with a murmur in the back of her throat, she pulls away from his lips to nudge her temple back to his, affectionately brushing the tip of her nose to his. delaying the inevitable won't deter reality from creeping in at the edges of the paradise they've made for themselves, much as she wishes she could pull him down to drown in her again.
when her laughter comes, it's nothing but wisps of smoke, scorched out of her throat. ]
Did you want to put on a performance? Are you that starved for attention, puppy? I just gave you some. [ her head tilts upward, pressing a kiss to the corner of his eye. in the distance, she can hear the faint thrumming of a song, notes drifting through the air. a coincidence, she hopes, but the more likely truth is that his family is adamantly trying to drown them out. her nose wrinkles, voice hushed into something conspiratorial. ] I think we're going to get into trouble.
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I love being in trouble. Keeps the heart healthy.
[ he smiles and presses a kiss to her jaw, idly catching a glimpse of a light blinking on his phone where alina cast is carelessly to the chair next to them. he kisses her again as he reaches over to nab it, then settles back by her side as he checks his messages. ]
Should we skip family dinner tonight? I was thinking we might take the dinghy and explore some of the caves nearby. [ his thumb scrolls across the screen while he tucks himself back into his hopelessly ruined shorts, but before he can elaborate on his idea, he abruptly sits up, eyes wide. ] Aleksander is throwing a soiree and he's bringing Zoya as his guest. All of his important business contacts will be there. She said you're getting an invitation as well.
[ he turns to her, dropping his phone and clasping her hands, his eyes bright and eager. ] Will you go? You must go. We must go. Can I be your plus one? Please?
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not even that parting kiss can soothe it, or the sudden glint to his eyes that can spell nothing but genuine trouble — a type far less healthy than the mischief they've gotten into with his family. she turns her face from him as her fingers slip from between his hands, if only to obscure how the shine has faded so quickly from her eyes, and sets her focus on retying the side of her rumpled bikini bottoms. the palpable eagerness from him is nearly painful, if she considers the sobering facts.
this isn't about accompanying her. it can't be anything but a product of obsession or another means of getting revenge on aleksander. she shakes away the allure of the latter, as convinced as she is that aleksander won't hesitate to parade zoya in front of her. it would be almost amusing, knowing what she does of zoya's secrets, if it didn't still pick at the scabs of her insecurities. ]
I know about the soiree. The invitation was in my inbox. I accepted it this morning. [ she mutters it to nothing but the fabric in her hands when she lifts her top, though there's an edge to her voice she can't bring herself to soften when she questions, ] Wouldn't taking you as my date just ruin your genius plans? I could just take Mal instead.
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I'm sorry. [ he skirts a gentle hand up her thigh, shifting his expression to contrite. or at least as contrite as he can manage after such an exhilarating moment, which is to say β not very. but his tone is genuine, speaking carefully once more. ] That was very abrupt of me.
[ he should let the topic pass, perhaps until after they're back home and into some semblance of normalcy again, but he knows this is all he'll be thinking about until solid plans are made. considering her question, he inhales thoughtfully as he searches for her bikini top, finding it hanging off the edge of the chair. ]
Would Mal go? [ he frowns to himself, lifting her wrap as he helps her slip the top back on, tying it back into place behind her back. ] Perhaps you should take Mal. If Aleksander is otherwise engaged by the three of you, then that means I would have time to do some much-needed snooping. You're so pretty when you frown at me like that.
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aleksander would undoubtedly despise it, tracking them with cold eyes, convinced as he had always been that mal would take her — like property, like a precious vase that could be stolen. mal would loathe it more than any guest aleksander invites, no matter how frequently she's clung to him like a security blanket. it hadn't been fair then, and it isn't fair now — more so when she consider zoya, and the subjecting mal to the sight of her hanging off of aleksander's arm. asking him to be well-behaved is as impossible as expecting nikolai to do the same.
she pointedly rolls her eyes as he finishes helping her redress, unwilling to hide the exasperation that radiates from her. ]
Is this your way of trying to convince me to take you? [ undoubtedly, if her options are leaving him to his own device to gather more information for his schemes or appear with him at her side to cause a scene she'll regret. she slips toward the edge of the lounge chair, pulling her knees to her chest, and stares him down over the tops of them — like he's told her a frustrating riddle and refused to grant her the answer. ] Why do you want to go so badly? At least tell me that much.
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What do you say? About skipping dinner and sailing away for a bit? [ he murmurs it into her mouth, absently toying with her hair. aleksander is important, very much so, but so is this, this thing between them that sometimes feels more fragile than it should. he has to remind himself not to handle it carelessly. ] As amusing as an incredible awkward family dinner would be, I'd rather be alone with you. Plus, I'm almost a hundred percent sure that Vasily will bring up any specifics he might have overheard.
[ he rests his chin atop her knees, hands sliding to settle against her ankles. ] Anyone important in his company will be there. I'd like to press them for information. But β not going does have its perks as well. I do fancy myself a bit of a spy.
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I'll go if you leave your phone behind.
[ it isn't fair: the tactics he unknowingly uses to soften her, leaning into the relaxing graze of his fingers twirling with the ends of his hair, chasing the ghost of his mouth for a moment longer before she settles back. it isn't fair: to be ensnared as a pawn, manipulated on both sides, from men that have claimed to care for her — but struggle to admit they've utilized her as an asset in their games.
at least he hasn't shrouded this new strategy in secrecy, as cutting as it is to have her suspicions confirmed and her insecurities fed. her eyes drift away with a half-hearted snort, feigning interest in the crystalline glimmer of the sea refracting kisses of pink and orange, and absently wiggles her ankles in his loose grip. ]
You didn't reveal an incriminating clown fetish, so Vasily doesn't have that much to talk about at the dinner table.
[ she doesn't have her heart invested in sarcastic wit, but the corners of her lips twitch valiantly before they smooth back into a line. ]
I knew you only wanted to go for Aleksander's sake. [ the shrug she gives doesn't quite convey the unperturbed vibe she aims for. she raises a hand, digging it it through the messy disaster they've made of her hair. ] It sounds like you're going to get what you want, whether you come with me or not.
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[ the fading sunlight casts shadows along the planes of her face, briefly illuminating the disappointment in her gaze. nikolai's brow furrows just slightly as he lifts his head. they were so happy mere minutes before, and now a heaviness hangs between them, one familiar to him. he shakes away the thought of dominik pleading with him to stop, the image souring his tongue, and the longer he looks at alina, the more a slow realization dawns upon him. ]
Did you β [ he blinks at her in genuine surprise, his voice soft, one hand traveling along the side of her thigh. ] Did you want me to go? As just your date, I mean. As your boyfriend. I hadn't thought β I didn't think you wanted Aleksander to know you were seeing someone. Frankly, I didn't think you wanted to go at all, and I certainly didn't think you wanted to take me. Do you want me to go just for you?
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still, some measure of palpable relief floods through her, loosening the tension furrowed between her brows when she returns her gaze to his. from the sudden deflation of her breath, it's clear she had been prepared for his refusal, and what feels like another inevitable, looming argument that both of them continue to dance away from. ]
It would spit us both out. Too bony.
[ she rolls his cheek beneath her forefinger and thumb, a light pinch, but that playfulness vanishes like an easily dispersed mirage. she wishes the answer was simple when the very question begs her to examine whether she trusts that he won't charm his way into information, even while claiming he's there for her. ]
You're not a secret. Not to me. [ as possessive as aleksander will be, as tangled as that web is going to become, granting him that control grates her. ] I just assumed you wanted to stay one. Doesn't he know you and Zoya are friends?
[ that's the assumption she had been running on, at any rate, from mal's own displeasure at discovering nikolai had introduced her to a mysterious stranger. it's mortifying to realize the misunderstanding that might have been established, but she doesn't relent, pressing her lips together. ]
I'm not going to force you. If you want to go, then go.
[ it's hardly an answer to the obvious, but the thought of needing to plead with him to choose her over his plans for subterfuge weighs like lead in her chest. ]
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He doesn't know. Not really. I orchestrated a meet-cute to introduce the two of the, but I went as someone else. I have an... alter ego, if you will. Not being a Lantsov makes getting through certain situations easier for me. But, Alina β
[ he trails off, looking away as he thinks, his mind turning over possibilities as quickly as he discards them. briefly, his teeth catch his lower lip before he meets her eyes once more with a troubled gaze. ]
I know you value your privacy. And I don't want you to have to remain a secret. But it's one thing to introduce you to my family, and quite another to show up at a public gathering with people who run in the same accursed circles as they do. I'm proud to stand by your side, Alina, but I want you to know that this will change things. And I don't think you'll find that change will be for the better.
[ he can't help but feel as though this is the beginning of the end. it was for him and dominik, and he can see all the ways that alina will hate what's coming next. there are questions he needs to ask her, things he needs to tell her to prepare for, but he's silent as his chest sinks around a soft exhale, reaching for her hand to wind their fingers together. the weight of what goes unspoken hangs heavily between them. ]
I'll go with you. If you'll have me. [ a brief smile flickers over his lips, and then he presses a kiss to the top of her knee. ] I can't go to your board meetings with you, but at least in this you don't have to be alone. I'm with you, Alina. Always.
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[ alter ego. the sheer, surprising absurdity of that secret is so sudden that a laugh tickles at the base of her throat — and though it's evidence of another side of himself he's stowed away from her, she forces herself to focus. his strange habits aren't the point, but his commitment to his priorities are.
his speech has all of the trappings of a rejection. a warning to soften the blow of denying her, as though to convince her that attending it alone — without mal, who might bloody his fists; without genya, who pales deathly white in aleksander's presence, from whatever unspeakable harm he's done to her — is for her own good. all of the pain he's ever caused her has always been blanketed with sweetness, but it can't prevent her from detecting that bitterness on her tongue.
as he turns, she tenses to do the same — but his hand is a warm pressure atop hers, his fingers binding her in place. a furrow forms between her eyebrows, exposing her delay in keeping pace with the hasty racing of his thoughts. ]
It's not my first time doing this. You keep forgetting that. [ reminding him of that stain on her past is unfortunate, but necessary. she isn't that same bright-eyed girl that aleksander had made his rags to riches story, a cinderella plucked from the streets and groomed to be an equal. that streak of naivety has faded, but her determination hasn't; as aware as she is that it will hardly be the same, that she doesn't have the same protection from the same vultures that stalk aleksander and nikolai now, that she'll despise every minute of speculation and invasion of their privacy — what other choice does she possibly have but to put on a brave face? ] I can handle it.
[ it's cowardly not to present her own disclaimer. that she always attends these, if only to avoid aleksander's ire from spilling over into the other aspects of her life. to keep him complacent, leveraging his obsessive fixation to find a foothold in keeping him restrained. that she doubts nikolai will particularly enjoy witnessing any of it.
selfishly, she comforts herself with the reminder that there will be time to sort out that tangled disaster for him. later, when the tension in the air isn't billowing down her throat, threatening to smother her with anxious smog. ]
If you want to, [ she corrects, emphasizes the repetition with her brief, squeezing grip. there never was any other answer for her but yes, every time he questions whether she intends to have him. to keep him. ] If you're sure. I could always find a more handsome escort. That's obviously why I suggested Mal first.
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[ only zoya knows about sturmhond and his less than legal adventures, a persona meant to circumvent the irritatingly cobwebby red tape that frequently puts a halt to his schemes. in hindsight, it does sound a bit ludicrous, but sturmhond has served him well, and alina doesn't need to become an accessory in this, anyway. sturmhond can pay his way out of most situations, while nikolai finds that ruining a lantsov is far more desirable than any sum of money. ]
Aleksander has the pull to keep things out of the press. I'm afraid we don't, or else... [ or else dominik would never have been made such a spectacle, but instead of saying it he just shrugs lightly, urging a casual smile to his face. ] We'll have to have an uncomfortable conversation, I'm afraid. If there's anything in your past you don't want coming out, you'll have to weigh the risk and see if it's worth the cost. And β I'm sure you can handle it, Alina. I'm not questioning your strength. It's simply that I care about you, and I wish that being with me didn't put you in a position to make such a choice. I can't help it. That part bothers me immensely.
[ he nods, tightening his hand around hers when he feels her squeeze. it seems she's determined to make this happen, and he doesn't want to back out now. ]
I want to. I'm sure. And I'm feeling a bit sensitive, so your slights against my handsomeness are not appreciated. [ his smile turns playful as he leans in to nuzzle her cheek. ] Tell me you like me most, Starlight.
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[ whenever she thinks she's solved the puzzle of nikolai lantsov, he adds another piece for her to slot in, changing the entire picture set in front of her. it douses her like a flood of cold water — how little she still knows of him, little secrets that pour out of his hands when he can't contain them any longer. sometimes, it's like she hardly knows him at all. ]
What past? You know almost everything. [ everything but one last grand finale she has no interest in sharing with the world. dread crawls beneath her skin like pinpricks of static. it had never escaped aleksander's sharp eyes, as piercing as steel — but her old pining for mal is barely newsworthy. better to leave it to collect cobwebs than to dig it up, she thinks, when the gap he's occupied when nikolai vanishes has already left her a little unbalanced. ] What interest would they have in a boring orphan?
[ she's not fascinating in the grand scheme, something for them to tire of, but they'll have interest in her entanglement with aleksander, an inevitable that can't be avoided. the explosive coverage of that will be unbearable, if only because she's aware of the creative liberties they'll take. nikolai lantsov steals morozova's fiancee, in bright and bold letters. sordid love triangle? she scrubs a hand over her face, mouth dipping into a frown. ]
Maybe Aleksander's pride will be so hurt that he'll keep his name out of everything? [ yeah, wishful thinking. still, she hopes nikolai will have the grace to lie to her in this, at least. she heaves a sigh, her nose wrinkling to keep her smile at bay, and gently flicks the side of his head. ] I can't tell you that. I haven't met this alter ego of yours. Maybe I'd like him better than either of you.
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[ but he's aware of how bizarre the entire thing sounds now that he's saying it aloud, and he's eager to move on from this particular topic. he owes her a more detailed explanation, but it can wait until they're back at home and he can properly show her a sanitized version of sturmhond's activities. his pleasant expression shifts slightly, the line of his mouth thinning. ]
I'm sure the word orphan will be thrown about with little regard, but that's not really what I'm referring to. [ he's already predicted the unbearable love triangle the media will try to shove them in, which he wonders how aleksander will react to β it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility that it could work in their favor if aleksander finds the entire thing appalling, but it feels a bit like wishful thinking at this stage. he only hopes that zoya won't have to take the brunt of that particular frustration.
he glances over with contrition in his eyes. ] I mean things like nude photographs and... intimate videos. Private matters. I can guarantee you that people will look for them.
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[ the deliberate distance nikolai creates between himself and his persona is — unfathomable, an absolution he's awarded himself by separating his identity in halves. it's difficult for her to process, but then — she's never been as well-adept at deceit, or tucking away her regrets and sins in a locked drawer to neatly compartmentalize the disaster of her life. she keeps her guilt close to the chest at night instead, bearing down on her ribcage until she panics for air.
her head moves to shake in something close to bemusement, but that shift in topic sends the movement stuttering. despite their earlier recklessness in fucking each other into ruins in broad daylight, heat warms her skin. the sting of sudden humiliation is uncomfortable, but not more so than the unease of discussing it with him. ]
They won't find anything. I don't just have nude photographs and sex tapes lying around, Nikolai. [ dry and unimpressed as she tries to make it sound, there's an awkwardness in her as she crosses her arms over her chest, almost protective. defensive. she doesn't have the confidence to have any dirge of them, more importantly, but she swallows down that rising insecurity. ] The one person that does have anything like that is too possessive to share them.
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[ but he's no longer thinking of how to explain sturmhond β zoya was horrified at first but got over it, and he fully believes alina will as well. no, his mind is now trying to wrap itself around the confirmation of that sort of evidence of intimacy existing. a part of him is crestfallen for no reason other than the lack of even a shred of faith in aleksander's goodwill. a part of him wants desperately to believe that aleksander's possessiveness will somehow prove to be miraculous. a part of him wishes he never brought up the party in the first place.
he's silent for a moment, trying to choose his words carefully. ] As much as I want to believe that to be true, if we really are to make our public debut at your ex-fiancΓ©'s party, I do think planning for the worst holds some merit. If they don't come out through him, they'll come out some other way. Are you sure of what to expect, or do you think he ever recorded you without your knowledge?
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[ blunt honesty is, at least, her specialty. a distraction from the strangled tightness in her lungs, the oxygen that doesn't want to push past her throat. karmic justice, she guesses, for insisting nikolai is the one with a need for an old-fashioned therapist to pick apart his seams and stitch them together when alina can detect her own splitting and fraying into threads. aleksander's wrath knows no boundaries, and his pride takes no prisoners once it's been slighted. counting on the obsessive nature of his fondness won't do them any favors, if she considers the nature of it as coercive blackmail, and still —
admitting to that stupid mistake of a naive girl in love is somehow worse than confessing she had fallen for any of his other saccharine lies. ]
Why would you need to film someone without their knowledge when they're already willing? [ her self-loathing drips from every word. ] What do you expect me to do, Nikolai? There's no point in planning for the worst when there's nothing we can do about it.
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I just don't want you to be blindsided, is all.
[ his voice drops, hating his matter-of-fact tone like he's discussing the weather and not an injustice of monumental proportions. he hates that he has to think about this at all. alina's defensiveness is misplaced but he understands it all the same, trying to think of a way to diffuse this before either of them can possibly feel any worse. ]
I know how it feels to have something incredibly personal taken away and made a mockery of. [ the dark blanket of the sky surrounds them now, stars winking into existence, reflected in the steady waters. he keeps his gaze on the sliver of moon rippling gently over the surface. ] It's true that there's likely nothing we can do to stop it from eventually happening. But I'll be there for you when it does, if β if that's what you want.
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so far from the destination she had in mind. but her pain isn't so significant for the universe to acknowledge it, and the stars continue to twinkle. she watches their light dimly play over nikolai's cheeks before she shrinks back at his admission, and the sudden guilt that rises like bile in his throat.
he would know that violation better than anyone, and here he is, the undeserving target of her frustration. something calm and steady to vent her anger against, strong enough to weather the blows — but far from worthy of it. ]
I'm sorry. I didn't mean — I just — [ guilt thickens her voice — or maybe it's the infuriated tears that want to spring to life, now that he's made her suddenly aware of another means aleksander has to control her. ] I'm disappointed in myself. I shouldn't take that out on you.
[ her fingertips skirt over his cheek, a gentle plea to guide his eyes back to her. ]
Why would you say that? Of course I want you there. I always want you with me. [ that's half the issue, she thinks, but she doesn't give that fear a voice. instead, her eyebrows draw together. if. as though she would throw him away over her own mistakes. ] I like you more than I've liked anyone in a long time.
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[ the brush of warm fingertips has him leaning toward them in the hopes of more, a careful smile curving at his lips. the apology feels like more than he deserves. after all, he's the reason that this is happening. if only alina was with someone else, someone normal, someone who doesn't have to think of these hypothetical situations that nearly always come to fruition β situations where no one ever wins. he nearly offers up the solution himself, to cut her losses, to leave him, to find someone capable of giving her the peace she deserves. but even now his throat tightens in an act of rebellion, unwilling to bear the pain of losing this. of losing her.
he tries to take a breath, his heartbeat too fast in his chest, but he finds it does little good to make his lungs feel as though they're still functional. he shakes his head ruefully. ]
I just can't help but wonder if being with me is really worth all of this. I don't want you to have to go through more pain on top of what you're already shouldering. And yet β [ he leans into her, pressing a gentle kiss to her shoulder before resting his forehead against it. ] And yet I want to be selfish and say that I'm falling in love with you. It's exhilarating and it's terrifying and it's far too late for me to stop. I just want so badly to be enough for you when the time comes.
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[ spoken like an absolution, granting him the freedom he won't allow himself. she wonders if he's never had the gift of that simple truth, or if it's too difficult to accept it for himself after dominik's happiness had been turned to shreds. she tips her chin, nuzzling into the crown of his head as he hides away in her shoulder. there's no other word for it, she thinks; he won't face her with the truth of his feelings when it's easier to confess them to her skin, as if he's afraid of what he'll find if he searches her eyes. ]
You're the only one who doesn't believe that, and I can't force you to see yourself the way I do. I just wish you trusted me when I tell you that.
[ carefully, she cups the back of his neck in an attempt to nudge him out of his hiding place. there's much more she could say — that aleksander doesn't deserve to have nikolai bear the brunt of his sins. that he knows, from her own embarrassing slip of a confession, he isn't alone in the rush of his feelings. that they'll find a way through this, somehow, even if they have to fight this battle via sheer determination. but she seals them away, for now, and focuses on a softer truth. ]
Why don't you say it? [ because i want to say isn't the same, in her book. it's as coaxing as the scratch of her nails against his scalp, waiting for him to gather himself. ] Actually say it to me.
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her fingers are a comforting weight in his hair nonetheless, reminding him of how much he aches for this, for her, and how afraid he is some days that it's going to slip right from his hands. he's afraid right now, the rapid hummingbird of his heart an uncomfortable flutter in his chest, but he can hardly deny her what he knows he should give. if he can't offer anything else, at least he can offer the truth.
he swallows, lifting his head slightly so he can meet her eyes in the quiet darkness, and though his words come out softly, they're steady, mired in his own belief. ]
I am falling in love with you, Alina Starlight. [ one hand threads gently through her hair, drawing her close so that their lips brush. ] You're extraordinary, and I can hardly help myself. Some days I'm so afraid that I'm going to break this to pieces and that you'll wake up one morning and decide enough is enough. But other days...
[ his breath slows, a quiet exhale on his lips. ] You make me happy. When I'm with you... I'm happy again. It's been some time since I felt this way. You're so dear to me just for that. Not only for that, but it's a feeling I really do treasure. And I think only you could've done this for me.
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