so it's all right that you give up parts of yourself to protect others from him — something i personally consider quite drastic — but my methods aren't up to par? we want the same thing, alina. is what i'm doing not humane enough for you? i know you're not concerned with zoya's wellbeing. so what is it? do you protest that aleksander is being used without knowing it? i'm sorry. i shouldn't have said that about mal.
i want to be there with you. i can't stop myself from thinking other things, but you're my primary concern. you're my reason. i don't want you to feel like you need to do this alone.
don't act like i don't care about zoya's wellbeing in all of this. just because i don't like her for what she's doing to mal doesn't mean i'd want any other person to get caught up in his bullshit. i'm not heartless, nikolai. do my reasons for hating your methods matter? you're going to do what you want, anyway. how i feel about it doesn't change a single thing.
even when you're with me, it doesn't feel like you're with me lately. not completely. not since all of this started. just admit that you still have other motives for going, even if i'm your primary concern.
she isn't doing anything to mal. mal is doing this to himself. how i feel about what you're doing isn't stopping you, either. the nobility of martyrdom is vastly overrated. what would you have me do, alina? stop? will you stop as well?
[ he almost says you sound just like dominik, but it feels too much like pressing thorns into his own side. too much like admitting the both of them are right. ]
even if i did, it doesn't change the fact that i want to be there for you. i want to be there for the things that are hard and for the things that are easy. i want to stand by you for all of it. and yes, i do have other motives for going. i won't do you the disservice of a lie we both know isn't true.
facing things alone is looking a lot better than dealing with someone who wants to throw my pain in my face when it's convenient for them. i don't have to martyr myself by dealing with this, so i think i'll stay off the cross. have a nice night, nikolai.
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no subject
i'm sorry. i shouldn't have said that about mal.
i want to be there with you. i can't stop myself from thinking other things, but you're my primary concern. you're my reason.
i don't want you to feel like you need to do this alone.
no subject
just because i don't like her for what she's doing to mal doesn't mean i'd want any other person to get caught up in his bullshit.
i'm not heartless, nikolai.
do my reasons for hating your methods matter? you're going to do what you want, anyway. how i feel about it doesn't change a single thing.
even when you're with me, it doesn't feel like you're with me lately. not completely.
not since all of this started.
just admit that you still have other motives for going, even if i'm your primary concern.
no subject
how i feel about what you're doing isn't stopping you, either. the nobility of martyrdom is vastly overrated.
what would you have me do, alina? stop? will you stop as well?
[ he almost says you sound just like dominik, but it feels too much like pressing thorns into his own side. too much like admitting the both of them are right. ]
even if i did, it doesn't change the fact that i want to be there for you. i want to be there for the things that are hard and for the things that are easy. i want to stand by you for all of it.
and yes, i do have other motives for going. i won't do you the disservice of a lie we both know isn't true.
no subject
i don't have to martyr myself by dealing with this, so i think i'll stay off the cross. have a nice night, nikolai.