[ which is the grim reality of it; trust, once shattered, isn't so easily pieced back together without slicing herself on the shards of what it once was. ]
those are just excuses for why this mattered more to you than i ever did. that's really all you have. excuses. justifications. none of it makes it okay. i can't believe you have the nerve to call what you did fighting for me. you didn't. end of story.
i don't think you ever actually did care about me, nikolai. maybe you cared about me as an idea, but not as a person.
my answer hasn't changed. i need time to think.
Edited (im a weirdo and my html was annoying me pls do not perceive me) 2021-05-23 18:05 (UTC)
[ though he suspects now that maybe that was the root of the problem since the start. maybe nothing has really changed since the moment he saw dominik smile to this terrible moment he's caught in right now. in time he'll make himself believe that it's better this way, to break apart before something worse happens, but right now he only wishes to be someone else. anyone else.
but he's only him, and while that will never be enough, it's still all he has. ]
i've kept you long enough. i hope you get some rest.
by throwing me away. that's a nice touch, though. the past tense. you just don't get it.
[ and the heavy veil of exhaustion that hangs on her bones tells her it's pointless, to try to explain it again. to go into an endless loop of speaking over one another, of explanations and hurt that won't allow itself to soften, all jagged and raw edges. ]
fine. run away. you're good at that when you don't want to face the messes you've made. i don't know why i bothered asking when you can't even give me a direct answer on how you plan to fix any of this.
[ he thinks to argue, to deny, to explain, but all the words he tries to reach for fall short. you just don’t get it. maybe those are the only words he should be listening to right now. ]
i haven’t given you an answer because i don’t know.
[ how to fix this. what to do. all this time spent counting ceiling tiles and no answers have come to him. he can’t admit that he’s afraid, that for once he can’t see the light that guides his way. ]
but i’ll find a way.
i’m not running. i know this is foolish, but i still don’t want this conversation to end because then there won’t be anything to do but miss you. i’m realizing just now that you’re it. you’re my entire world. i’m sorry for putting that pressure onto you. i’ll be all right and so will you.
i'll be here when you've figured it out. if you figure it out. until then, i'm not sure where we stand.
[ until then, she isn't latching onto hope. aiming too high only makes the fall that much harder to bear — a fact emphasized by the clutching hand over her heart, squeezing it in its vice grip until it's pulp. ]
maybe if you had realized that before, we wouldn't be in this mess. or maybe we still would be. maybe you still wouldn't have chosen me. if you can't say you would have, then i'm not so sure i'm your entire world, nikolai.
i still love you. you don't deserve to hear it, but i do. but i think i've always known that the way i love you is more. just more. more than you love me. so don't tell me it's the same as aleksander and i. if he had made the same offer to me, i would have walked away. i would have kept trying to find another way. and that's the difference between us.
Edited (im dumb and cant write words correctly) 2021-05-23 20:01 (UTC)
i know you wanted me to choose you. i know that i didn't makes you think i don't love you. but i wouldn't be able to forgive myself if i put my own wants over righting my family's crimes. i can't turn a blind eye to it. i have to stop this. otherwise i'm no better than they are, and i wouldn't deserve you anyway. that's all i have, alina. you've heard everything now.
well, i hope you can forgive yourself for this. because i'm not so sure i will. that's what happens when you've done the one worst thing you could have possibly done to me.
i understood your explanation the first time. it doesn't change how i feel. it doesn't convince me that you love me. so if that's what you're hoping for, i don't need to hear it again. just like you don't need to hear mine again. don't worry, i've said all i had to say. it didn't matter anyway.
i understand if you can't. for what it's worth, i'm sorry. i really am. i'm sorry it came to this. i knew at the start that i shouldn't have let myself fall for you, because i always knew that eventually i'd have to take my place with my family. it was wrong of me to allow you to get caught between this. i sincerely hope that one day you'll believe that i did love you. that i do love you. i'm just sorry that i couldn't show you. everything you've said to me matters, alina. more than ever now that i think we might be saying less and less to each other as time passes. i'm still here for you if you need me or even just want me.
i wish it was worth more to me than it is. but i can't believe it. your words and your promises don't carry weight when they've all been empty.
[ it's kinder to leave it there, rather than tear every single shred of his apology to pieces — much as she doesn't feel particularly inclined toward kindness, in the moment. ]
it's not "couldn't". it's "wouldn't". but i'm giving you the chance to prove it, so i'd politely suggest not taking it for granted. i don't need pity or charity from you, nikolai. you've already told me you won't have time for me.
do you really feel as though this entire time i've never loved you? that the times i've said it i didn't mean it? that in everything i've done i've never shown it? have you not felt it at all from me?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
i do now.
[ which is the grim reality of it; trust, once shattered, isn't so easily pieced back together without slicing herself on the shards of what it once was. ]
those are just excuses for why this mattered more to you than i ever did.
that's really all you have. excuses. justifications. none of it makes it okay.
i can't believe you have the nerve to call what you did fighting for me. you didn't. end of story.
i don't think you ever actually did care about me, nikolai.
maybe you cared about me as an idea, but not as a person.
my answer hasn't changed. i need time to think.
no subject
[ though he suspects now that maybe that was the root of the problem since the start. maybe nothing has really changed since the moment he saw dominik smile to this terrible moment he's caught in right now. in time he'll make himself believe that it's better this way, to break apart before something worse happens, but right now he only wishes to be someone else. anyone else.
but he's only him, and while that will never be enough, it's still all he has. ]
i've kept you long enough.
i hope you get some rest.
no subject
that's a nice touch, though. the past tense.
you just don't get it.
[ and the heavy veil of exhaustion that hangs on her bones tells her it's pointless, to try to explain it again. to go into an endless loop of speaking over one another, of explanations and hurt that won't allow itself to soften, all jagged and raw edges. ]
fine. run away. you're good at that when you don't want to face the messes you've made.
i don't know why i bothered asking when you can't even give me a direct answer on how you plan to fix any of this.
no subject
i haven’t given you an answer because i don’t know.
[ how to fix this. what to do. all this time spent counting ceiling tiles and no answers have come to him. he can’t admit that he’s afraid, that for once he can’t see the light that guides his way. ]
but i’ll find a way.
i’m not running. i know this is foolish, but i still don’t want this conversation to end because then there won’t be anything to do but miss you.
i’m realizing just now that you’re it. you’re my entire world.
i’m sorry for putting that pressure onto you.
i’ll be all right and so will you.
no subject
if you figure it out. until then, i'm not sure where we stand.
[ until then, she isn't latching onto hope. aiming too high only makes the fall that much harder to bear — a fact emphasized by the clutching hand over her heart, squeezing it in its vice grip until it's pulp. ]
maybe if you had realized that before, we wouldn't be in this mess.
or maybe we still would be. maybe you still wouldn't have chosen me.
if you can't say you would have, then i'm not so sure i'm your entire world, nikolai.
i still love you. you don't deserve to hear it, but i do.
but i think i've always known that the way i love you is
more. just more. more than you love me.
so don't tell me it's the same as aleksander and i.
if he had made the same offer to me, i would have walked away. i would have kept trying to find another way.
and that's the difference between us.
no subject
i know you wanted me to choose you. i know that i didn't makes you think i don't love you. but i wouldn't be able to forgive myself if i put my own wants over righting my family's crimes.
i can't turn a blind eye to it. i have to stop this. otherwise i'm no better than they are, and i wouldn't deserve you anyway.
that's all i have, alina.
you've heard everything now.
no subject
that's what happens when you've done the one worst thing you could have possibly done to me.
i understood your explanation the first time. it doesn't change how i feel.
it doesn't convince me that you love me. so if that's what you're hoping for, i don't need to hear it again.
just like you don't need to hear mine again. don't worry, i've said all i had to say.
it didn't matter anyway.
no subject
for what it's worth, i'm sorry. i really am. i'm sorry it came to this.
i knew at the start that i shouldn't have let myself fall for you, because i always knew that eventually i'd have to take my place with my family. it was wrong of me to allow you to get caught between this.
i sincerely hope that one day you'll believe that i did love you. that i do love you. i'm just sorry that i couldn't show you.
everything you've said to me matters, alina. more than ever now that i think we might be saying less and less to each other as time passes.
i'm still here for you if you need me or even just want me.
no subject
your words and your promises don't carry weight when they've all been empty.
[ it's kinder to leave it there, rather than tear every single shred of his apology to pieces — much as she doesn't feel particularly inclined toward kindness, in the moment. ]
it's not "couldn't". it's "wouldn't".
but i'm giving you the chance to prove it, so i'd politely suggest not taking it for granted.
i don't need pity or charity from you, nikolai. you've already told me you won't have time for me.
no subject
have you not felt it at all from me?
no subject
that's the worst part. that you could love me and still do this to me anyway.