Well, I certainly can't blame you for wanting to skip out on the rest of the party.
[ nikolai is used to the scrutiny, the comments whispered behind his back, the weight of hundreds of stares each with their own expectations and preconceived notions. it's quite another thing to be thrust into the role with little training, and a grisha queen certainly has tongues flapping. there will come a time when alina has no choice but to traverse the treachery of public events, but tonight she does have a choice, and nikolai doesn't mind being it.
the reality that he might have to live with this for the rest of his life is a thought he's already spent countless sleepless nights turning over in his mind, but he doesn't let it show on his face. he keeps that tucked somewhere below his heart with the rest of his insecurities that need not see the light of day. this is a curse, a punishment doled out by a very powerful grisha, and it wouldn't be much of a punishment if it was easily broken. he knows this. he knows they might never break it. he knows there's a good chance he will devolve into madness and have to be put down, but tonight he doesn't air out those concerns. not when he plainly sees that alina needs the same reassurance that she's granted him.
there's a glimmer of a smile on his lips when he tucks her hair behind her ear and traces the curve of her jaw with a gloved fingertip, soft leather instead of the rough tread of his own fingers. ]
Failure is simply adventure by another name. [ there's only the slightest trace of tension in his gaze, otherwise looking serene. ] And if I have to live with this, then I'll do just that. I excel at most things and I don't see why this should be an exception.
[ spoken with a confidence he doesn't feel, but there's little he despises more than showing weakness when he truly feels it. he draws her in carefully, lifting his mouth to gently brush a kiss to her forehead. ]
You didn't do this to me, Alina. He did. [ he feels the monster stirring again, and he closes his eyes to face the darkness. ] You did what you needed to do in the moment. Trust me when I say you have far too many pressures to withstand in the future for you to give yourself any more. It's not your job to save me. I need you to be the queen that Ravka needs, no matter what else happens. That's your priority. It's what my mother and father were always missing, same as the Lantsovs that came before them. But not us.
[ he settles his hands at her waist, his smile growing because he can't help but think of how achingly lovely she looks. ] Moya tsaritsa. We won't miss.
[ it's such a distinctive nikolai lantsov speech, steady and cocksure, that she isn't certain he believes it himself. he weaves his words with a precision she's always lacked — like merzost on his tongue, too hypnotizing and capable of knowing what a heart wants to hear most for her to ever discern if it's the raw, unguarded truth. but in this moment, she's nothing short of grateful for it. even if it's a lie he's spun together with a silver tongue, even if it's a myth he's created just to comfort her, it brings her war-torn mind the peace she's been searching for.
or maybe it's the appearance of his smile — a rare and mythical sight, these days, when they have so few reasons to smile — that dispels her fear and stills her tongue and all of the self-punishing statements she wants to use to flagellate herself: he did this to you because of me. i don't know if i can be the queen ravka needs without you. nikolai has been a constant presence at her back, lifting her when she stumbles, guiding her when she comes to a crossroads and finds herself utterly lost. the only companion she has that fully comprehends what it's like to live with that fear of failure and duty dangling over them like a sword above their heads — waiting to drop at any moment.
she doesn't know if she possesses the knowledge to hold ravka together, should they lose him, and the thought of undoing every step forward he has taken to usher in a new era is as daunting as facing the darkling. as far as alina is concerned, nikolai is the very embodiment of ravka. but she can't bear to be the reason the expression on his face disappears and turns haunted, and so she traces the dimples of his smile with slow, careful reverence and hopes he can feel the gratitude that bleeds from her when she slides her mouth over his palm. ]
I don't think I'm ever going to get used to being called that.
[ her nose scrunches as if to ward off the little flutter of warmth that passes through her upon hearing it, or the glow that flushes through her skin. perhaps the issue should be that she enjoys it too much. ]
As long as you don't regret choosing me, I can live with all of that. Even if I know there are going to be days where you'll drive me completely mad. [ her fingers wind through the silken sash draped between them, looping it around his neck — and tugging, in a silent command to draw him into her. the touch of her kiss is teasingly, fleetingly soft. ] You really have no idea how much I've missed being driven mad by you.
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no subject
[ nikolai is used to the scrutiny, the comments whispered behind his back, the weight of hundreds of stares each with their own expectations and preconceived notions. it's quite another thing to be thrust into the role with little training, and a grisha queen certainly has tongues flapping. there will come a time when alina has no choice but to traverse the treachery of public events, but tonight she does have a choice, and nikolai doesn't mind being it.
the reality that he might have to live with this for the rest of his life is a thought he's already spent countless sleepless nights turning over in his mind, but he doesn't let it show on his face. he keeps that tucked somewhere below his heart with the rest of his insecurities that need not see the light of day. this is a curse, a punishment doled out by a very powerful grisha, and it wouldn't be much of a punishment if it was easily broken. he knows this. he knows they might never break it. he knows there's a good chance he will devolve into madness and have to be put down, but tonight he doesn't air out those concerns. not when he plainly sees that alina needs the same reassurance that she's granted him.
there's a glimmer of a smile on his lips when he tucks her hair behind her ear and traces the curve of her jaw with a gloved fingertip, soft leather instead of the rough tread of his own fingers. ]
Failure is simply adventure by another name. [ there's only the slightest trace of tension in his gaze, otherwise looking serene. ] And if I have to live with this, then I'll do just that. I excel at most things and I don't see why this should be an exception.
[ spoken with a confidence he doesn't feel, but there's little he despises more than showing weakness when he truly feels it. he draws her in carefully, lifting his mouth to gently brush a kiss to her forehead. ]
You didn't do this to me, Alina. He did. [ he feels the monster stirring again, and he closes his eyes to face the darkness. ] You did what you needed to do in the moment. Trust me when I say you have far too many pressures to withstand in the future for you to give yourself any more. It's not your job to save me. I need you to be the queen that Ravka needs, no matter what else happens. That's your priority. It's what my mother and father were always missing, same as the Lantsovs that came before them. But not us.
[ he settles his hands at her waist, his smile growing because he can't help but think of how achingly lovely she looks. ] Moya tsaritsa. We won't miss.
no subject
or maybe it's the appearance of his smile — a rare and mythical sight, these days, when they have so few reasons to smile — that dispels her fear and stills her tongue and all of the self-punishing statements she wants to use to flagellate herself: he did this to you because of me. i don't know if i can be the queen ravka needs without you. nikolai has been a constant presence at her back, lifting her when she stumbles, guiding her when she comes to a crossroads and finds herself utterly lost. the only companion she has that fully comprehends what it's like to live with that fear of failure and duty dangling over them like a sword above their heads — waiting to drop at any moment.
she doesn't know if she possesses the knowledge to hold ravka together, should they lose him, and the thought of undoing every step forward he has taken to usher in a new era is as daunting as facing the darkling. as far as alina is concerned, nikolai is the very embodiment of ravka. but she can't bear to be the reason the expression on his face disappears and turns haunted, and so she traces the dimples of his smile with slow, careful reverence and hopes he can feel the gratitude that bleeds from her when she slides her mouth over his palm. ]
I don't think I'm ever going to get used to being called that.
[ her nose scrunches as if to ward off the little flutter of warmth that passes through her upon hearing it, or the glow that flushes through her skin. perhaps the issue should be that she enjoys it too much. ]
As long as you don't regret choosing me, I can live with all of that. Even if I know there are going to be days where you'll drive me completely mad. [ her fingers wind through the silken sash draped between them, looping it around his neck — and tugging, in a silent command to draw him into her. the touch of her kiss is teasingly, fleetingly soft. ] You really have no idea how much I've missed being driven mad by you.