[ it's such a distinctive nikolai lantsov speech, steady and cocksure, that she isn't certain he believes it himself. he weaves his words with a precision she's always lacked — like merzost on his tongue, too hypnotizing and capable of knowing what a heart wants to hear most for her to ever discern if it's the raw, unguarded truth. but in this moment, she's nothing short of grateful for it. even if it's a lie he's spun together with a silver tongue, even if it's a myth he's created just to comfort her, it brings her war-torn mind the peace she's been searching for.
or maybe it's the appearance of his smile — a rare and mythical sight, these days, when they have so few reasons to smile — that dispels her fear and stills her tongue and all of the self-punishing statements she wants to use to flagellate herself: he did this to you because of me. i don't know if i can be the queen ravka needs without you. nikolai has been a constant presence at her back, lifting her when she stumbles, guiding her when she comes to a crossroads and finds herself utterly lost. the only companion she has that fully comprehends what it's like to live with that fear of failure and duty dangling over them like a sword above their heads — waiting to drop at any moment.
she doesn't know if she possesses the knowledge to hold ravka together, should they lose him, and the thought of undoing every step forward he has taken to usher in a new era is as daunting as facing the darkling. as far as alina is concerned, nikolai is the very embodiment of ravka. but she can't bear to be the reason the expression on his face disappears and turns haunted, and so she traces the dimples of his smile with slow, careful reverence and hopes he can feel the gratitude that bleeds from her when she slides her mouth over his palm. ]
I don't think I'm ever going to get used to being called that.
[ her nose scrunches as if to ward off the little flutter of warmth that passes through her upon hearing it, or the glow that flushes through her skin. perhaps the issue should be that she enjoys it too much. ]
As long as you don't regret choosing me, I can live with all of that. Even if I know there are going to be days where you'll drive me completely mad. [ her fingers wind through the silken sash draped between them, looping it around his neck — and tugging, in a silent command to draw him into her. the touch of her kiss is teasingly, fleetingly soft. ] You really have no idea how much I've missed being driven mad by you.
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or maybe it's the appearance of his smile — a rare and mythical sight, these days, when they have so few reasons to smile — that dispels her fear and stills her tongue and all of the self-punishing statements she wants to use to flagellate herself: he did this to you because of me. i don't know if i can be the queen ravka needs without you. nikolai has been a constant presence at her back, lifting her when she stumbles, guiding her when she comes to a crossroads and finds herself utterly lost. the only companion she has that fully comprehends what it's like to live with that fear of failure and duty dangling over them like a sword above their heads — waiting to drop at any moment.
she doesn't know if she possesses the knowledge to hold ravka together, should they lose him, and the thought of undoing every step forward he has taken to usher in a new era is as daunting as facing the darkling. as far as alina is concerned, nikolai is the very embodiment of ravka. but she can't bear to be the reason the expression on his face disappears and turns haunted, and so she traces the dimples of his smile with slow, careful reverence and hopes he can feel the gratitude that bleeds from her when she slides her mouth over his palm. ]
I don't think I'm ever going to get used to being called that.
[ her nose scrunches as if to ward off the little flutter of warmth that passes through her upon hearing it, or the glow that flushes through her skin. perhaps the issue should be that she enjoys it too much. ]
As long as you don't regret choosing me, I can live with all of that. Even if I know there are going to be days where you'll drive me completely mad. [ her fingers wind through the silken sash draped between them, looping it around his neck — and tugging, in a silent command to draw him into her. the touch of her kiss is teasingly, fleetingly soft. ] You really have no idea how much I've missed being driven mad by you.