[ it's a strange feeling to now have this quiet and intensely personal truth in the air between them — that nikolai lantsov had fallen in love once. that his heart has been broken. it isn't something he'll ever forget, but it was also something he never intended to share. he cried back then but he doesn't now, steadily lifting his eyes and drawing his thumb over her knuckles while she caresses his cheek. ]
Am I easy to believe in or is everyone else just much crazier than I am? [ it's a joke with the tiniest string of uncertainty attached, like everything he's done will come unraveled if anyone decides to pull. if only he could design a grand invention that manufactured courage, because he finds his reservoir despairingly low some days, even if he makes a point to never show it.
his mind lingers on her words, and maybe this whole conversation has made him insecure — perish the thought — but he saves her from giving into her own temptation by leaning in closer himself, close enough to smell whatever sweet scent was slipped into her bath. some sort of flower. then he looks down at their hands, weighing his next words even while he forces the tension out of his jaw. ]
Does Mal do that for you? Make you feel brave? [ there's no ire, no jealousy in his tone. just simple curiosity. it makes little sense to pretend that mal doesn't exist in her world when he's been the one with her all these years. he flashes a crooked smile. ] I already know I have that effect on people, which is why I didn't ask about myself.
[ The insecurity doesn't escape her notice, through no fault of his own. Even keener ears would miss the sting of uncertainty, but Alina is too practiced in her own, too used to poisoning herself with a dose of doubt. And so she doesn't submit to her urge to smile, only granting him a soft tilt of her mouth when she insists, ]
I think we're all just the right amount of crazy.
[ A ruler's followers are a reflection on them, she wants to reassure; he has Zoya's drive at his side, David's ingenuity, Genya's compassion — but what does that say of her and the Apparat's obsessive, stifling faith as he had propped her onto a pedestal? Nikolai's closeness is a distraction to that thought, bringing the warm notes of alcohol on his breath with it, the imagined sting of salt in the air; she leans into it too readily, propping her chin on their joined hands. ]
Everyone feels brave when they have people worth losing.
[ It's not truly an answer. In fact, it's an answer he has taught her to give, skirting around the heart of what troubles her. She is keenly aware of it, her jaw working as she searches for the words that struggle to come. As absent as his jealousy is now, one wrong word feels as though it could shatter the peace of an otherwise quiet moment.
What a pair they make, with a piece of his heart residing in a dead man's grip while a piece of her own rests in Mal's grasp. ]
He makes me feel real. Like I'm still just Alina, even if I know it's not true anymore. No one survives what we have without becoming something else.
[ Maybe clinging to him is her method of pretending: pretending that nothing has changed, pretending that they're still the same people. It doesn't change what is constantly, undeniably true: even after all these years, having Mal at her side makes her feel as if everything in the world will be alright, so long as they're together. ]
Sorry. [ When it comes, her smile is tight, but no less sincere. ] You can't actually want to hear any of this.
[ she's getting all too good at avoiding answers, he notices, and it brings another smile to his lips, this one rimmed with genuine mirth. what a pair, indeed. even when she talks about mal he doesn't find himself getting agitated, instead pricked with the barest hint of remorse. mal can't stay in the palace if the stars align and alina somehow does choose to become his queen, for the rumors would be too much. no one else in the court seems to worry as much as nikolai worries about his illegitimate birthright, but he's keenly aware that a calculated attack on his claim to the throne could undo everything.
part of marriage is securing an honest, legitimate heir. ravka won't survive petty squabbles on who should sit in a fancy chair. even knowing this, reassigning mal elsewhere won't bring him any of the joy he once thought it might. ]
Even if you are the Sun Summoner, and even if you do become a queen, you'll still remember who you are. I was born a royal — in theory — but I chose to live away from the palace as much as I could. Those are the times I recall the most, and I'd like to think it shaped me into a better man.
[ he leans back on his free hand, their shoulders comfortably pressed together, and he gives her a lazy look as he tilts his head. ]
This just Alina person... I think I'd quite like to know her. Is she very different from the Alina that punched me once? Does she make good tea?
[ Swallowing the doubts that want to spill out of her is like swallowing glass shards, slicing her insides on the journey down. Will I? Nikolai is as blind to the darkness slithering through her, an infection time hasn't purged, as the others — because she has left them that way, obscured their eyes with shadows, for fear they will turn away the instant she loses her shine.
The instant she's eclipsed by something else entirely, that plague inside of her that has gone too far. That side of her that will inevitably go too far again. The scarred wound across her shoulder blade throbs as if in agreement, now that she can think of nothing else but the shadows cast along the walls.
It's too much to add to their growing pile of shared secrets, when they've only just broached the topic of lost loves. ]
It shaped you into a pirate.
[ If there was any question of whether she was going to let him have the last word in that particular volley. The curve of her smile grows against her will, a glint that's too telling; for all that she's mastered the art of pretenses, there are too many tics that threaten to give her away. Glimmering eyes are, certainly, one of them — shining with mirth that reveals how deliberately annoying she's trying to be.
Maybe it has something to do with the shadows that have lifted from his expression; maybe it's the sudden lightness in her own, as though he's removed a veil, simply by proclaiming he wants to know her when it would be so easy to dress her up as a queen to meet his expectations. Nothing less, nothing more. ]
If you touched anything I made, you would die. Not even a stray would drink or eat anything that's been in my hands. Then again — [ The tilt of her head subconsciously mimics his, considering. ] I think you're starting to enjoy the thought of me causing bodily harm, if you're asking questions like that.
[ the heaviness from moments before seems to have passed, something nikolai is grateful for, because he's far too weary to continue looking deeper inside of himself. he'd rather just look at alina, her eyes sparkling like bits of stardust while she tries and fails to keep a smile at bay. she's pretty all the time, but especially so in this moment, a temporary reprieve from the darkness they're running from. she isn't dressed like a saint, with golden pins in her hair and genya's handiwork brushed across her cheeks, but nikolai finds her perhaps even more radiant this way.
a quick laugh escapes him. ] Well, I suppose queens don't need to know things like that, but I'll certainly keep it in mind for the next time I want someone to innocuously die of poisoning at the dinner table.
[ he reaches for the bottle again, taking a drink while the effects finally settle in his bones, pleasantly warm, loosening knots of tension. his chest rises as he draws in a long breath, gently pushing the bottle at alina and closing his eyes. ]
Take it. Or you really might not be rid of me tonight. [ straightening, he sets one elbow on his knee and plops his cheek into the palm of his hand, gazing at her even in their close proximity. ] I'd be quite all right with a bit of bodily harm. Does that count as foreplay? Is that the sort of foreplay you enjoy?
[ It wouldn't be so terrible, she tells herself, to never be rid of him. It's a dangerous thought to entertain, but no more perilous than the inevitable silence that consumes her chambers at night. Each day, she eagerly imagines returning to it, and each night she regrets the emptiness that greets her. Freed from her duties until the morning sun rises, but never free from the thoughts that follow her, waiting until she's alone to strike.
But it shouldn't be the allure of losing themselves in a bottle that convinces him to stay as her good luck charm, emptying her thoughts of doubts and deaths and devastation. So much of it lives on in her memories alongside the ghosts of all they've lost, but this — this is a moment she would prefer to remember without a haze of alcohol clouding its edges. The bottle scrapes along stone as she pushes it aside, a temptation hidden from view, and shakes her head with a quiet, hoarse laugh. ]
Your love for danger might be your downfall one day.
[ In another life, in another time, she would fumble and fluster and flush. Here and now, she lets herself be swept away by his own courage, the boldness she sometimes envies and covets in equal measure — even if there is a rush of blood to her face, still, that she can't shake. Even if her teeth worry at her lip, wondering how much of this is Nikolai's teasing versus sincere curiosity.
But she had claimed he made others brave, and it's time to make good on that claim — and to surprise him by refusing to submit to embarrassment, if nothing else, no matter how inexperienced she may be. ]
I think I could enjoy it, with the right person. [ It's impossible not to feel self-conscious, pinned as she is by his attentive eyes, but she slowly brings herself to meet his gaze. ] I don't know. I'd have to try it to find out, wouldn't I? Not all of us are enlightened and worldly privateers.
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no subject
Am I easy to believe in or is everyone else just much crazier than I am? [ it's a joke with the tiniest string of uncertainty attached, like everything he's done will come unraveled if anyone decides to pull. if only he could design a grand invention that manufactured courage, because he finds his reservoir despairingly low some days, even if he makes a point to never show it.
his mind lingers on her words, and maybe this whole conversation has made him insecure — perish the thought — but he saves her from giving into her own temptation by leaning in closer himself, close enough to smell whatever sweet scent was slipped into her bath. some sort of flower. then he looks down at their hands, weighing his next words even while he forces the tension out of his jaw. ]
Does Mal do that for you? Make you feel brave? [ there's no ire, no jealousy in his tone. just simple curiosity. it makes little sense to pretend that mal doesn't exist in her world when he's been the one with her all these years. he flashes a crooked smile. ] I already know I have that effect on people, which is why I didn't ask about myself.
no subject
I think we're all just the right amount of crazy.
[ A ruler's followers are a reflection on them, she wants to reassure; he has Zoya's drive at his side, David's ingenuity, Genya's compassion — but what does that say of her and the Apparat's obsessive, stifling faith as he had propped her onto a pedestal? Nikolai's closeness is a distraction to that thought, bringing the warm notes of alcohol on his breath with it, the imagined sting of salt in the air; she leans into it too readily, propping her chin on their joined hands. ]
Everyone feels brave when they have people worth losing.
[ It's not truly an answer. In fact, it's an answer he has taught her to give, skirting around the heart of what troubles her. She is keenly aware of it, her jaw working as she searches for the words that struggle to come. As absent as his jealousy is now, one wrong word feels as though it could shatter the peace of an otherwise quiet moment.
What a pair they make, with a piece of his heart residing in a dead man's grip while a piece of her own rests in Mal's grasp. ]
He makes me feel real. Like I'm still just Alina, even if I know it's not true anymore. No one survives what we have without becoming something else.
[ Maybe clinging to him is her method of pretending: pretending that nothing has changed, pretending that they're still the same people. It doesn't change what is constantly, undeniably true: even after all these years, having Mal at her side makes her feel as if everything in the world will be alright, so long as they're together. ]
Sorry. [ When it comes, her smile is tight, but no less sincere. ] You can't actually want to hear any of this.
no subject
[ she's getting all too good at avoiding answers, he notices, and it brings another smile to his lips, this one rimmed with genuine mirth. what a pair, indeed. even when she talks about mal he doesn't find himself getting agitated, instead pricked with the barest hint of remorse. mal can't stay in the palace if the stars align and alina somehow does choose to become his queen, for the rumors would be too much. no one else in the court seems to worry as much as nikolai worries about his illegitimate birthright, but he's keenly aware that a calculated attack on his claim to the throne could undo everything.
part of marriage is securing an honest, legitimate heir. ravka won't survive petty squabbles on who should sit in a fancy chair. even knowing this, reassigning mal elsewhere won't bring him any of the joy he once thought it might. ]
Even if you are the Sun Summoner, and even if you do become a queen, you'll still remember who you are. I was born a royal — in theory — but I chose to live away from the palace as much as I could. Those are the times I recall the most, and I'd like to think it shaped me into a better man.
[ he leans back on his free hand, their shoulders comfortably pressed together, and he gives her a lazy look as he tilts his head. ]
This just Alina person... I think I'd quite like to know her. Is she very different from the Alina that punched me once? Does she make good tea?
no subject
The instant she's eclipsed by something else entirely, that plague inside of her that has gone too far. That side of her that will inevitably go too far again. The scarred wound across her shoulder blade throbs as if in agreement, now that she can think of nothing else but the shadows cast along the walls.
It's too much to add to their growing pile of shared secrets, when they've only just broached the topic of lost loves. ]
It shaped you into a pirate.
[ If there was any question of whether she was going to let him have the last word in that particular volley. The curve of her smile grows against her will, a glint that's too telling; for all that she's mastered the art of pretenses, there are too many tics that threaten to give her away. Glimmering eyes are, certainly, one of them — shining with mirth that reveals how deliberately annoying she's trying to be.
Maybe it has something to do with the shadows that have lifted from his expression; maybe it's the sudden lightness in her own, as though he's removed a veil, simply by proclaiming he wants to know her when it would be so easy to dress her up as a queen to meet his expectations. Nothing less, nothing more. ]
If you touched anything I made, you would die. Not even a stray would drink or eat anything that's been in my hands. Then again — [ The tilt of her head subconsciously mimics his, considering. ] I think you're starting to enjoy the thought of me causing bodily harm, if you're asking questions like that.
no subject
[ the heaviness from moments before seems to have passed, something nikolai is grateful for, because he's far too weary to continue looking deeper inside of himself. he'd rather just look at alina, her eyes sparkling like bits of stardust while she tries and fails to keep a smile at bay. she's pretty all the time, but especially so in this moment, a temporary reprieve from the darkness they're running from. she isn't dressed like a saint, with golden pins in her hair and genya's handiwork brushed across her cheeks, but nikolai finds her perhaps even more radiant this way.
a quick laugh escapes him. ] Well, I suppose queens don't need to know things like that, but I'll certainly keep it in mind for the next time I want someone to innocuously die of poisoning at the dinner table.
[ he reaches for the bottle again, taking a drink while the effects finally settle in his bones, pleasantly warm, loosening knots of tension. his chest rises as he draws in a long breath, gently pushing the bottle at alina and closing his eyes. ]
Take it. Or you really might not be rid of me tonight. [ straightening, he sets one elbow on his knee and plops his cheek into the palm of his hand, gazing at her even in their close proximity. ] I'd be quite all right with a bit of bodily harm. Does that count as foreplay? Is that the sort of foreplay you enjoy?
no subject
But it shouldn't be the allure of losing themselves in a bottle that convinces him to stay as her good luck charm, emptying her thoughts of doubts and deaths and devastation. So much of it lives on in her memories alongside the ghosts of all they've lost, but this — this is a moment she would prefer to remember without a haze of alcohol clouding its edges. The bottle scrapes along stone as she pushes it aside, a temptation hidden from view, and shakes her head with a quiet, hoarse laugh. ]
Your love for danger might be your downfall one day.
[ In another life, in another time, she would fumble and fluster and flush. Here and now, she lets herself be swept away by his own courage, the boldness she sometimes envies and covets in equal measure — even if there is a rush of blood to her face, still, that she can't shake. Even if her teeth worry at her lip, wondering how much of this is Nikolai's teasing versus sincere curiosity.
But she had claimed he made others brave, and it's time to make good on that claim — and to surprise him by refusing to submit to embarrassment, if nothing else, no matter how inexperienced she may be. ]
I think I could enjoy it, with the right person. [ It's impossible not to feel self-conscious, pinned as she is by his attentive eyes, but she slowly brings herself to meet his gaze. ] I don't know. I'd have to try it to find out, wouldn't I? Not all of us are enlightened and worldly privateers.