a wonder to behold. not quite so much to be subjected to. maybe you can direct your wrath toward mal so i can have a good laugh? i think i deserve that. my kisses will be reserved only for my reflection in the mirror. what sort of bargain are you aiming for? i don't need much coercion if the price involves admiring any part of you. less if it involves physical contact.
mal already has to endure following me around ravka for a second time. isn't that enough suffering? i won't kiss you until you agree to sit in on brunch with our resident saint-hating fruitcake. those are my proposed terms. consider it moral support. you'll stop me from jumping out the window after half an hour of listening to her lecture me.
presumably that would be enjoyable for him. saints. how cruel. i've already sat through one meal with her. why don't i just wait outside below the window and catch you when you jump? i have no idea how i'm supposed to stay entertained while you're gone.
would it be enjoyable for you if you were in his position? i doubt it. you told me to play to my strengths as queen. in your defense, you never considered that i would turn on you. your own creation has betrayed you, moi tsar. it's not the same. i need someone to make faces at when she isn't looking. knitting? testing the limits of zoya's patience? crashing your next ship into a rock? i'm full of ideas on how to keep you busy until then
is he still in love with you? you said you were a baby bird i was prematurely pushing from the nest, but this clearly isn't the case since you seem to have mastered the art of betrayal. i'm impressed, by the way. i suppose, but who will scold me for my behavior? who will roll their eyes at me from across the room? who will come visit me if i end up in self-imposed exile?
i'm not going to ask him that, nikolai. well, i had to make you believe i was completely helpless or you never would have fallen into my trap. where's my prize for impressing you? genya and zoya, in that order. that last one is trickier. i'm always with you, even if i can't be there with you. think of it as a greater incentive. the sooner you can regain some control over your demons, the sooner i can come home to you.
i suppose you'll find out soon enough. he might think otherwise, but mal isn't exactly known for hiding his emotions well. i'll have an even more obnoxiously elaborate crown commissioned for you. something suitable for the rate at which your head is growing. i know you are, alina. i can feel you even when we're apart. and i do mean me. not my ill-behaved guest. don't take any unnecessary risks out there. not for me.
whether he is or he isn't, it doesn't change anything. it's a question that doesn't need an answer. make it heavier, will you? all the better to bludgeon you with. i only take the most necessary of risks for you. how long do you expect it to take?
[ he says nothing about that, because while in theory she is more than correct, he still finds himself wanting an answer all the same. his old insecurities aren't quite as lifeless as he thought. ]
a king being bludgeoned to death by his queen with her crown honestly is one for the history books. i do intend to go out in style, you know. i question if any of them are really necessary, especially on this particular trip of yours. this is solely about kissing babies that are not me and showering your divine goodness upon the people. i can't say. but i intend to begin tonight. i'm going to call out the beast at will and see what happens.
not everyone supports the idea of a grisha queen on the throne, or what they see as a king laying claim to a saint of the people. my royal guards like to remind me that every step i take is a necessary risk that might end with me losing my head. you chose a very cheery group to supervise me. don't push yourself. progress is still progress, however small. remember?
[ his silence — and the absence of a glib, dismissive comment that would prick her suspicion immediately — is telling enough. coward that she is, it's tempting to embrace it, but she can't ignore her own bristling for long. how it nags at her, a thorn embedding further in her skin with every breath she takes. ]
i'm not going to run off with mal, you know. and i'm not looking for excuses to leave. i chose you. you're insulting us both if you still don't believe that.
Edited (i forgot what grammar is) 2021-02-18 00:31 (UTC)
it's funny that half the people see you as a witch and the rest see you as an object of worship. funny like how a shipwreck is funny. people are such curious things. it's important for you to be safe, and more important that i feel you're safe. besides, you don't need your guards to provide you with cheer when i already fill that role quite handsomely. i like my progress boisterous and overly extravagant. but zoya will be there to have me tossed in chains if need be. if she doesn't kill me first.
[ another beat, and then — ]
it's not that. sometimes i think you should run off with mal. you certainly wouldn't have to worry about the half of this.
[ he knows it's the wrong thing to say immediately after he says it, but the words are already out, spilling like a river he can't call back. ]
[ it stings in the way a thousand cuts would, tearing her down over time, but it's easier to bury it beneath the flash of her indignant anger than to give into that sudden melancholy that sinks her stomach. his timing, after all, couldn't be worse, far as she is from him — and thrust into the public eye, among watchful gazes that speculate too much and too often. ]
which half of it? a country that became my responsibility before you ever took the throne? the damage the darkling did to the reputation of every grisha in existence? the damage i'm still trying to undo? the bloodthirsty monster i bound to me because i was afraid of facing the future alone? or maybe you mean the husband that likes to find new, creative excuses to push me away.
you're both idiots. mal believed i needed a kingdom and an army. you think running away with mal is what's best for me. you're all so busy deciding what kind of future i deserve for me. it's not fair. what about what i want? or are you so wrapped up in feeling sorry for yourself that it doesn't matter?
[ he's tempted to leave the conversation at that, to pick this up again when he isn't trying to contend both with her departure and the way his monster seems eager to be let out, but that, he knows, would be worse than most of what he could possibly say. ]
i still think about how you should leave all of this. i know you don't like that i do, but the thought is there all the same. sometimes i feel like i'm one bad day away from killing you. from waking up one morning and finding your body ripped to shreds in our bed. i don't want you to run off with anyone. of course i don't. i was infatuated with you long before you gave me a second glance, and i'm just as enamored today. but if this doesn't pan out, if i can't find a way to best this thing inside of me, then i refuse to continue putting you in danger. i refuse to put the entire country in danger. i'll put a bullet through my own head before i do that. maybe i am feeling a bit sorry for myself, but i feel worse for what i'm doing to you. i can't help but think a life with mal would be preferable to this. i'm sorry if you don't like what i've said. i don't mean to hurt you. i don't mean to make you think that i don't want you. i do. you know i do. but i have to be honest. if i had any idea what my future held, i never would've kissed you all that time ago. i don't know if i'd have even taken the throne. there's no happy ending to this thought. i wish you were here and at the same time i wish i didn't even know you.
don't. stop talking like it's an inevitability. you can't just give up and leave me behind. i can't do any of this without you.
[ it isn't a goodbye, but it rings clear with the omen of one — nikolai lantsov's final promise to her, a swan song she doesn't want to hear. the same old, familiar dread spikes through her — an old friend that had stayed with her through the war when nikolai had disappeared in the attack on os alta. when her knife had plunged through mal's heart. when fedyor's deadened eyes had peered back at her. that haunting prophecy that she would, at the end of it all, find herself alone.
they've lost too much, and given too many goodbyes for her to add another to the list. ]
it's funny. out of everything you've just said about me, it's only the last part i believe.
[ i wish i didn't even know you. sometimes, she wishes none of them had ever known her at all. sometimes, she wishes for ratty clothing and lumpy mattresses in an orphanage that's as lost to her as that girl who didn't dare to dream for more than a full stomach. that girl who might have had those quiet, peaceful moments in the countryside with mal, who would have never known to reach for her powers. sometimes, she wishes she could pretend she could ever part with the light inside of her.
she had stopped mourning the death of that impossible fantasy long ago. ]
maybe because you've made it the easiest to believe. so much for not adding me to your list of regrets.
i'm not giving up. not until i've tried everything.
[ but he still feels like his options are narrowing each day, that the beast sinks its claws in deeper and deeper each time he wakes. he's never felt this sort of hopelessness before, not once, not until now. it's a breaking dam he's trying to hold shut with little success. it's poison, this heavy feeling that all his efforts are for naught, and while he normally finds that particular darkness easy to resist, he knows by alina's defeated tone that he's already let it infect him. ]
do you believe that i love you? that it's because i love you that it's hard for me not to feel like i've dragged you into something i'm not sure i can pull us out of? even if you hadn't bound the monster to you, it would still be inside of me. i don't want you to think this is your fault. i miss you dearly. lie to me and tell me that love is enough to get us through this.
we saved the world because we dared to dream of a better future for ravka. now it's time to dream of a better future for ourselves.
[ she wishes she could bring herself to believe it — that the darkling's deeds have no reflection on her, that she isn't the catalyst that's put this in motion — but the ghost of that collar is still a vice at her throat, and those corpses still sway on oak branches when she closes her eyes. absently, her fingers brush over the place it used to rest, whispering over her collarbone. ]
it's enough for me. can you ever let yourself accept that? will you ever let that be enough?
Edited (how did i forget A WHOLE ASS WORD) 2021-02-18 05:26 (UTC)
it hasn't been enough for us yet. it hasn't stopped this thing from wanting to hurt you.
[ whether it wants to hurt her or simply wants her attention is still a mystery to him. he thinks that perhaps both can be true at the same time. the monster's affections could very well be deadly. ]
but for the nikolai apart from this beast, it's enough. i just don't know how much of that person is left.
you should rest. a queen doesn't accessorize with exhaustion.
i wouldn't worry if i was you. you've done a better job of hurting me tonight than your monster ever could.
[ you should rest, he's said, but there is no rest for the hollow pang in her chest. still, she regrets lashing out with the sharp, wounded truth; his foundation is already crumbling, held together by eroding strength, without adding a weight that could topple it. ]
i'm tired of people loving me enough to die for me. love me enough that you want to live. love me enough that you believe me when i tell you this isn't how it ends. not for you. not for us.
nikolai lantsov hasn't fought any battles he couldn't win. except when he picks a fight with the sun summoner, but there's an exception to every rule. together, we won't lose.
when my entire world flipped on its head, you were one of its only bright spots. and now you're its brightest spot. my own sun. so no, my faith in you isn't even a little misplaced.
did mal ever tell you what happened at the chapel? after you had taken your parents and baghra during the darkling's attack.
[ it's too late to reconsider slipping back into the darkness of that memory and the despair that clouds it. still, she hesitates for a moment longer, before: ]
i tried to kill us both - the darkling and i. and i would have succeeded if mal hadn't stopped me before it was too late. i could lie to you and say it was for mostly noble reasons. but i was tired. tired of failing the people around me. tired of wondering what i would become. tired of drowning in guilt. tired of seeing him every time i closed my eyes. i wanted an end to living in fear. to waking up and wondering what i would lose that day, what new pain was in store for us.
sometimes i look at how far we've come, and i think of everything i never would have gotten to have. everything i didn't know i would miss out on. i can't imagine missing out on you.
[ now that the immediate hurt has evaporated, now that her mind is no longer obscured by it, it's tempting to apologize for failing to hear what he's been asking for all along. ]
i wonder if you think i'll stop loving you now that i've seen you at your worst. you're wrong. i didn't only marry your easy parts. i married the ugly ones, too. and i won't turn away from them. you don't have to be perfect and charming and easy to bear to deserve that. you can be difficult and flawed and exhausted, and it still won't convince me to love you any less. because loving you is no great burden, nikolai lantsov. you can't make me regret marrying you, so stop trying. if you don't believe me, i'll just have to keep reminding you until you're sick of hearing it.
Edited (noticing my mistake literal hours later is Embarrassing i'm so sorry) 2021-02-19 20:53 (UTC)
[ he knows what that feels like. to be unbearably tired, to have no reprieve even when he closes his eyes, drowning in his failures and his guilt and wanting nothing more than to just lay down and stop. to end all of it. and it hurts something right at the center of his chest to know that alina has been carrying that as well — carrying it alone, in his absence. carrying it alone even now because he hasn't been strong enough to carry them both. ]
you've kept me going through all of this while carrying the heaviest burdens of your own. you don't need a crown. you don't even need this title forged from our marriage. it's my honor to stand beside you, alina. in that i feel unbelievably lucky. you're not weak for wanting an end to this. i only wish that i was there for you to lean on.
i admit it's not comfortable to have you see me like this. a part of me has been waiting for you to reach your limit of me. i've been wishing for it and dreading it at once because i'm the fool who's never been loved like this. dominik never saw these parts of me. you've never given me a reason to doubt you and yet i've done that all the same. i'm sorry. i truly am. you remind me every day of why i'd choose you again and again. it seems i just wasn't listening the way i should've been. but i'm listening now. i can't do this without you, either. more than that, i don't want to.
i don't think anything or anyone could have stopped me from trying to put an end to it. if i had spilled even half of the secrets i was carrying, you would have all thought of me as mad. you're not to blame for that. i wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling the way that you do, so don't think you have to put on a brave face and try to hide it from me. i might not like some of what you say, but i told you — we're partners. i want all of you. not just the portions you think i want to see. and i'm getting annoyingly good at seeing through it, anyway.
my love doesn't come with conditions. that isn't really love at all. and just so you know — if i had known you would be harboring a monster in our future, i still would have kissed you that night. for someone who loves their reflection so much, you obviously don't know your worth in my eyes. the next time you doubt me, i'm going to push you into a very large, very prickly bush. will you still choose me then?
you're mad for marrying me and even more so for staying this long. but i suppose i'm a bit mad, too. so don't hide those parts of yourself from me, either. i know i ask a great deal of you, and i expect even more. but we are partners. and i want all of you as well.
i do love when you threaten me. i would choose you then and every other time after that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
maybe you can direct your wrath toward mal so i can have a good laugh? i think i deserve that.
my kisses will be reserved only for my reflection in the mirror.
what sort of bargain are you aiming for? i don't need much coercion if the price involves admiring any part of you. less if it involves physical contact.
no subject
i won't kiss you until you agree to sit in on brunch with our resident saint-hating fruitcake. those are my proposed terms.
consider it moral support. you'll stop me from jumping out the window after half an hour of listening to her lecture me.
no subject
saints. how cruel. i've already sat through one meal with her.
why don't i just wait outside below the window and catch you when you jump?
i have no idea how i'm supposed to stay entertained while you're gone.
no subject
you told me to play to my strengths as queen.
in your defense, you never considered that i would turn on you. your own creation has betrayed you, moi tsar.
it's not the same. i need someone to make faces at when she isn't looking.
knitting? testing the limits of zoya's patience? crashing your next ship into a rock? i'm full of ideas on how to keep you busy until then
no subject
you said you were a baby bird i was prematurely pushing from the nest, but this clearly isn't the case since you seem to have mastered the art of betrayal. i'm impressed, by the way.
i suppose, but who will scold me for my behavior? who will roll their eyes at me from across the room? who will come visit me if i end up in self-imposed exile?
no subject
well, i had to make you believe i was completely helpless or you never would have fallen into my trap.
where's my prize for impressing you?
genya and zoya, in that order. that last one is trickier.
i'm always with you, even if i can't be there with you.
think of it as a greater incentive. the sooner you can regain some control over your demons, the sooner i can come home to you.
no subject
he might think otherwise, but mal isn't exactly known for hiding his emotions well.
i'll have an even more obnoxiously elaborate crown commissioned for you. something suitable for the rate at which your head is growing.
i know you are, alina. i can feel you even when we're apart.
and i do mean me. not my ill-behaved guest.
don't take any unnecessary risks out there. not for me.
no subject
make it heavier, will you? all the better to bludgeon you with.
i only take the most necessary of risks for you.
how long do you expect it to take?
no subject
a king being bludgeoned to death by his queen with her crown honestly is one for the history books. i do intend to go out in style, you know.
i question if any of them are really necessary, especially on this particular trip of yours. this is solely about kissing babies that are not me and showering your divine goodness upon the people.
i can't say. but i intend to begin tonight. i'm going to call out the beast at will and see what happens.
no subject
my royal guards like to remind me that every step i take is a necessary risk that might end with me losing my head. you chose a very cheery group to supervise me.
don't push yourself. progress is still progress, however small. remember?
[ his silence — and the absence of a glib, dismissive comment that would prick her suspicion immediately — is telling enough. coward that she is, it's tempting to embrace it, but she can't ignore her own bristling for long. how it nags at her, a thorn embedding further in her skin with every breath she takes. ]
i'm not going to run off with mal, you know. and i'm not looking for excuses to leave.
i chose you. you're insulting us both if you still don't believe that.
no subject
it's important for you to be safe, and more important that i feel you're safe. besides, you don't need your guards to provide you with cheer when i already fill that role quite handsomely.
i like my progress boisterous and overly extravagant. but zoya will be there to have me tossed in chains if need be. if she doesn't kill me first.
[ another beat, and then — ]
it's not that.
sometimes i think you should run off with mal.
you certainly wouldn't have to worry about the half of this.
[ he knows it's the wrong thing to say immediately after he says it, but the words are already out, spilling like a river he can't call back. ]
no subject
which half of it?
a country that became my responsibility before you ever took the throne?
the damage the darkling did to the reputation of every grisha in existence? the damage i'm still trying to undo?
the bloodthirsty monster i bound to me because i was afraid of facing the future alone?
or maybe you mean the husband that likes to find new, creative excuses to push me away.
you're both idiots. mal believed i needed a kingdom and an army. you think running away with mal is what's best for me.
you're all so busy deciding what kind of future i deserve for me.
it's not fair. what about what i want? or are you so wrapped up in feeling sorry for yourself that it doesn't matter?
no subject
i'm sorry.
[ he's tempted to leave the conversation at that, to pick this up again when he isn't trying to contend both with her departure and the way his monster seems eager to be let out, but that, he knows, would be worse than most of what he could possibly say. ]
i still think about how you should leave all of this.
i know you don't like that i do, but the thought is there all the same.
sometimes i feel like i'm one bad day away from killing you. from waking up one morning and finding your body ripped to shreds in our bed.
i don't want you to run off with anyone. of course i don't. i was infatuated with you long before you gave me a second glance, and i'm just as enamored today.
but if this doesn't pan out, if i can't find a way to best this thing inside of me, then i refuse to continue putting you in danger. i refuse to put the entire country in danger. i'll put a bullet through my own head before i do that.
maybe i am feeling a bit sorry for myself, but i feel worse for what i'm doing to you. i can't help but think a life with mal would be preferable to this.
i'm sorry if you don't like what i've said. i don't mean to hurt you.
i don't mean to make you think that i don't want you. i do. you know i do.
but i have to be honest. if i had any idea what my future held, i never would've kissed you all that time ago. i don't know if i'd have even taken the throne.
there's no happy ending to this thought. i wish you were here and at the same time i wish i didn't even know you.
no subject
you can't just give up and leave me behind. i can't do any of this without you.
[ it isn't a goodbye, but it rings clear with the omen of one — nikolai lantsov's final promise to her, a swan song she doesn't want to hear. the same old, familiar dread spikes through her — an old friend that had stayed with her through the war when nikolai had disappeared in the attack on os alta. when her knife had plunged through mal's heart. when fedyor's deadened eyes had peered back at her. that haunting prophecy that she would, at the end of it all, find herself alone.
they've lost too much, and given too many goodbyes for her to add another to the list. ]
it's funny. out of everything you've just said about me, it's only the last part i believe.
[ i wish i didn't even know you. sometimes, she wishes none of them had ever known her at all. sometimes, she wishes for ratty clothing and lumpy mattresses in an orphanage that's as lost to her as that girl who didn't dare to dream for more than a full stomach. that girl who might have had those quiet, peaceful moments in the countryside with mal, who would have never known to reach for her powers. sometimes, she wishes she could pretend she could ever part with the light inside of her.
she had stopped mourning the death of that impossible fantasy long ago. ]
maybe because you've made it the easiest to believe.
so much for not adding me to your list of regrets.
no subject
not until i've tried everything.
[ but he still feels like his options are narrowing each day, that the beast sinks its claws in deeper and deeper each time he wakes. he's never felt this sort of hopelessness before, not once, not until now. it's a breaking dam he's trying to hold shut with little success. it's poison, this heavy feeling that all his efforts are for naught, and while he normally finds that particular darkness easy to resist, he knows by alina's defeated tone that he's already let it infect him. ]
do you believe that i love you?
that it's because i love you that it's hard for me not to feel like i've dragged you into something i'm not sure i can pull us out of?
even if you hadn't bound the monster to you, it would still be inside of me. i don't want you to think this is your fault.
i miss you dearly.
lie to me and tell me that love is enough to get us through this.
no subject
now it's time to dream of a better future for ourselves.
[ she wishes she could bring herself to believe it — that the darkling's deeds have no reflection on her, that she isn't the catalyst that's put this in motion — but the ghost of that collar is still a vice at her throat, and those corpses still sway on oak branches when she closes her eyes. absently, her fingers brush over the place it used to rest, whispering over her collarbone. ]
it's enough for me.
can you ever let yourself accept that?
will you ever let that be enough?
no subject
it hasn't stopped this thing from wanting to hurt you.
[ whether it wants to hurt her or simply wants her attention is still a mystery to him. he thinks that perhaps both can be true at the same time. the monster's affections could very well be deadly. ]
but for the nikolai apart from this beast, it's enough.
i just don't know how much of that person is left.
you should rest. a queen doesn't accessorize with exhaustion.
no subject
[ you should rest, he's said, but there is no rest for the hollow pang in her chest. still, she regrets lashing out with the sharp, wounded truth; his foundation is already crumbling, held together by eroding strength, without adding a weight that could topple it. ]
i'm tired of people loving me enough to die for me.
love me enough that you want to live.
love me enough that you believe me when i tell you this isn't how it ends.
not for you. not for us.
nikolai lantsov hasn't fought any battles he couldn't win.
except when he picks a fight with the sun summoner, but there's an exception to every rule.
together, we won't lose.
no subject
your faith in me feels a bit misplaced, but it does encourage me to rise to the challenge.
i do hate losing. and i don't enjoy feeling this pitiful.
i want to make you happy.
if living is what does it, then it's what i'll do.
i don't want to leave you, alina. not when i've only just found you.
no subject
and now you're its brightest spot. my own sun.
so no, my faith in you isn't even a little misplaced.
did mal ever tell you what happened at the chapel?
after you had taken your parents and baghra during the darkling's attack.
no subject
i don't feel like that person anymore.
no. tell me.
no subject
always.
[ it's too late to reconsider slipping back into the darkness of that memory and the despair that clouds it. still, she hesitates for a moment longer, before: ]
i tried to kill us both - the darkling and i. and i would have succeeded if mal hadn't stopped me before it was too late.
i could lie to you and say it was for mostly noble reasons.
but i was tired. tired of failing the people around me. tired of wondering what i would become. tired of drowning in guilt.
tired of seeing him every time i closed my eyes.
i wanted an end to living in fear. to waking up and wondering what i would lose that day, what new pain was in store for us.
sometimes i look at how far we've come, and i think of everything i never would have gotten to have.
everything i didn't know i would miss out on.
i can't imagine missing out on you.
[ now that the immediate hurt has evaporated, now that her mind is no longer obscured by it, it's tempting to apologize for failing to hear what he's been asking for all along. ]
i wonder if you think i'll stop loving you now that i've seen you at your worst.
you're wrong. i didn't only marry your easy parts. i married the ugly ones, too. and i won't turn away from them.
you don't have to be perfect and charming and easy to bear to deserve that.
you can be difficult and flawed and exhausted, and it still won't convince me to love you any less.
because loving you is no great burden, nikolai lantsov. you can't make me regret marrying you, so stop trying.
if you don't believe me, i'll just have to keep reminding you until you're sick of hearing it.
no subject
you've kept me going through all of this while carrying the heaviest burdens of your own.
you don't need a crown. you don't even need this title forged from our marriage.
it's my honor to stand beside you, alina. in that i feel unbelievably lucky.
you're not weak for wanting an end to this. i only wish that i was there for you to lean on.
i admit it's not comfortable to have you see me like this.
a part of me has been waiting for you to reach your limit of me. i've been wishing for it and dreading it at once because i'm the fool who's never been loved like this. dominik never saw these parts of me.
you've never given me a reason to doubt you and yet i've done that all the same.
i'm sorry. i truly am.
you remind me every day of why i'd choose you again and again. it seems i just wasn't listening the way i should've been.
but i'm listening now.
i can't do this without you, either. more than that, i don't want to.
no subject
if i had spilled even half of the secrets i was carrying, you would have all thought of me as mad.
you're not to blame for that. i wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling the way that you do, so don't think you have to put on a brave face and try to hide it from me.
i might not like some of what you say, but i told you — we're partners.
i want all of you. not just the portions you think i want to see.
and i'm getting annoyingly good at seeing through it, anyway.
my love doesn't come with conditions. that isn't really love at all.
and just so you know — if i had known you would be harboring a monster in our future, i still would have kissed you that night.
for someone who loves their reflection so much, you obviously don't know your worth in my eyes.
the next time you doubt me, i'm going to push you into a very large, very prickly bush.
will you still choose me then?
no subject
but i suppose i'm a bit mad, too. so don't hide those parts of yourself from me, either.
i know i ask a great deal of you, and i expect even more.
but we are partners. and i want all of you as well.
i do love when you threaten me.
i would choose you then and every other time after that.
(no subject)