Just alright? [ there's a moment of mock offense as he nuzzles against her, enjoying their closeness and her warmth after what feels like far too long. this vacation hasn't afforded them as much time alone as he would have liked, but this moment finally feels right, and he's determined not to leave this chair for the foreseeable future. ] I happen to find your tattoos very appealing.
[ his phone is entirely forgotten, curling an arm around her as she fits against his shoulder, her fingers moving pleasantly through his hair. he finds himself apprehensive of the answers she might give him. what if she does hate them? he could hardly blame her. he's always known that existing within a bubble is the safest way to protect his relationship with her, but at the same time he doesn't want her to feel as though she's a secret he's hiding away or that he's ashamed of being with her.
but alina speaks to him candidly, reasonably, and the tightness in his chest eases as each word comes out. she doesn't like them. but he doesn't particularly like them, either. ]
They are rather messy for people who think they're the opposite. [ he brings his hand up again to graze his thumb across her cheek, flushed from days in the sun. ] I'm sorry they don't love you. I knew they wouldn't, but I wanted them to know that you're who I'm with. If it makes you feel any better, they've never liked anyone I've ever brought home, friends or lovers alike, so you're in good company, I would say. They have been exceedingly consistent in that regard.
[ he leans in for another lazy kiss, his hand traveling down the gauzy fabric of her wrap to slide underneath, bare fingers gliding along the small of her back as he pulls her closer still. ] Perhaps some other forms of entertainment are in order? We Lantsovs are a highly entertaining bunch.
Just alright. Adequate, too. [ whatever other synonyms she could pluck from a thesaurus, if only to lighten the air with her teasing. it distracts from the question he's unknowingly answered — whether he's brought her here to dress her up in fabrics with ridiculous price tags, to make her more palatable to his family's refined tastes and pretend she's something more than she is. i happen to find your tattoos very appealing is the reassurance she needs for those doubts that have yet to see the light of day, that little compliment that declares his acceptance of her. ] How appealing is very appealing?
[ it's needed, too, after enduring backhanded praise every time his family turns his attention back to her at the dinner table. all the same, it feels wrong to ask it of him. at the end of the weekend, she can walk away from the lantsovs until the next time their paths cross — but nikolai will always be measured, overshadowed by their vision of what he should become, his choices always questioned. strong enough to withstand their expectations, like a diamond formed under pressure, but never quite good enough to sparkle in their eyes.
it fills her with a fresh burst of frustration that she has to stamp down, her fingers slipping through his hair, down the nape of his neck to trace the column of his spine. her mouth meets the unhurried drag of his own, syrupy and sweet and slow, before she forces herself to pull back with a soft, parting nip of her teeth. ]
I don't need them to love me, but they should love you more. [ enough that they should prioritize his happiness. honestly, their disapproval is a badge of honor she should wear, from the way nikolai speaks of them — but he deserves their acceptance. ] You don't need their approval, you know. You can give that approval to yourself.
[ maybe it's too heavy for this small bubble of time they have together, uninterrupted by scheming or socializing. but she brushes the words into his mouth for safe-keeping, anyway, and lets him nudge her closer. her leg tangles with his, circling her arms around his neck as she melds into him as if daring the next interruption to pry them apart, and drags a quick, fleeting kiss across the sharp angle of his jaw. ]
Maybe new entertainment really is in order. Are you as entertaining as the rest of your family, though? They all have their own tricks. [ vasily's need for excess. his mother's desperation for attention. his father's (honestly impressive) alcohol intake. ] What's yours?
Adequate. I don't think that's ever been used to describe me before. [ his eyes twinkle with mirth as he reaches down to run his fingertips along the antlers across the bone of her hip. that particular tattoo remained hidden until they all went for a swim together, and for a few tenuous moments he thought his mother might cast herself into the ocean and pretend to drown. he was not looking forward to the possibility of having to rescue her from her own dramatics.
when she breaks the kiss he turns his head to press his mouth to the snake patterned on the soft skin of her arm, kissing along the design until he reaches the pulse at her wrist. ] Very appealing means just the sight of them makes me want you even more. And I already want you a considerable amount.
[ her words take him by surprise as he senses the hint of frustration behind them. it's the same sort of thing dominik would say, only alina says it much more nicely and without inciting an argument. ]
I don't know if I want them to love me more. That might come with unforeseen conditions and dire consequences. [ he falls easily into her kiss, his hand ghosting along the curve of her back as she tangles them closer together. his family's approval is a complicated thing. most days he's sure he doesn't need it β announcing plans that seem insane to his parents has become something of a fond pastime at this point β but other days he can't help but chastise himself for even wanting it. he's confident enough that it should make little difference if he has it or not, and yet it does all the same.
he gladly shifts his mind elsewhere, leaning in to press his lips beneath her ear, trailing kisses down her throat. he's sensible enough not to leave marks, knowing that would only incite vasily's unwanted attention even further, but he does snake his hand beneath the wrap and deftly unhook her bikini top, letting it fall loose. he shifts her higher, lifting the sheer fabric over his head as he kisses her breasts one after another, teasing her nipples with his tongue. he glances up at her with a smile. ]
My trick is being outrageously handsome. You already knew that. I promise to defend your honor if anyone walks in on us, because I don't plan to stop. Things have been keeping us apart for far too long.
[ a laugh flutters out of her, stirring wisps of silver she promptly whisks out of her eyes. he could be right, if vasily is a shining example of too much coddling. it's morbid to be abruptly thankful for the parents she'll never meet, the expectations she'll never strive to achieve, a lineage to live up to — something that feels so pointless to yearn for when she has mal, baghra, genya, nikolai. that's what family is, she finds herself suddenly wanting to tell him — not blood, but connections forged from unconditional understanding.
but then he's hiking her higher and it's lost in the telltale hitch in her breath, the curl of her fingers digging grooves into his shoulders to steady herself. the sight of him should be a trick for how easily common sense abandons her when she peers down at him through the fan of her dark eyelashes, studying the sparkle of gold that swallows the green of his eyes, like a sunbeam casting itself across the sea — and that mouth that could kill her, that first pink flicker of his tongue that has her throat tightening around a moan just from watching him tease her, wrung out like it's been stolen from her.
her teeth sink into the pillow of her lip to hold the next noise that wants to rise at bay, hands grasping and tugging at that golden halo of hair in retaliation. ]
You want me badly enough to fuck me here?
[ she can't contain that incredulous, breathless half-whisper. recklessly here, where his family might just drop dead if they stumble across them. she can't imagine that the possibility of being caught and scandalizing them so severely wouldn't be a bonus for him, but she can't bring herself to care past the haze of arousal, the pulsing ache between her legs. it's addicting, consuming — being wanted desperately enough that he cares to risk it at all. maybe that's his other trick, she thinks distantly. making her feel wanted when few have. persuading her into dangerous antics that make her blood rush and her pulse pound, that remind her she's alive. ]
You're insane. [ her leg readjusts to coil around his hip to shift impossibly closer, anyway, fingers haphazardly untying one side of her bottoms. those same fingers ghost down the side of his face and find his mouth, tugging on his bottom lip, pressing the pad of her thumb against the tip of his tongue. ] Are you going to keep me quiet?
[ it's reckless to do this here, and yet the thought only spurs his actions further. he loves the sea and he thinks he's dangerously close to loving this girl, too. that particular thought he files away to ruminate upon another time β a time when alina isn't mostly naked in his lap, the gauzy blue fabric still draped her around doing little to hide anything. his throat goes slightly dry at the sight, wanting to commit this moment β and every moment with her β to memory. ]
Do you have a better place with a better view in mind? [ her fingertips find their way into his mouth, a hum of appreciation rumbling in his throat as he wets her fingers. he pops out from beneath the wrap, craning up to kiss her jaw and then her lips. ] Not even my veranda can compete with this.
[ when she loosens the string of her bikini it's all the invitation he needs, now sliding his fingers past the warm softness of her lips before his hand disappears between them, easing between her legs to find her already warm and willing. if anyone walked in on them now nikolai would likely have a good laugh about it, but only after his annoyance at being interrupted. he hasn't had nearly enough time with alina since this accursed vacation began, and even before that, things have been slightly unsteady since her discovery of his scheming with zoya. he knows alina is not comfortable with it and never will be, and sometimes he thinks it sits like a weed taking root between them, one that they keep trimming but can't fully pull out.
it manifests in small but noticeable ways, like alina being more covert with any work regarding aleksander as if she fears nikolai will find a way to use that in his plans. she's allowed him to disappear from time to time, and it bothers nikolai just slightly that the ever-loyal mal always seems to occupy his space when he's gone. and then there's the issue that his entire family treats alina as if she's some sort of pauper he found in an alleyway. all of these things have cast a line of tension through their relationship, though he wouldn't say things are bad. far from it. but there's a distinct difference between their honeymooning of before and the reality of their present, an ever-shifting balance as nikolai feels more and more of his shortcomings are revealed.
but she's here despite all of it. two fingers sink between her legs as he coaxes her mouth open with the tip of his tongue, gently tracing the cushion of her lips before pressing his tongue into her mouth. his hand moves steadily, a breath cascading against her mouth as his own desire mounts. ]
Should we be quiet? [ his mouth forms a smile against her lips. ] I think we've earned a bit of misbehaving.
[ that teasing sarcasm is forgotten as her greed spills over like something wild and unleashed to find its freedom. it's in the slow trail of her fingers over the muscles in his forearm, feeling them shift with each motion. in the push of her palm against his fingers, forcing them to sink deeper until they're buried inside of her. in the grind of her hips as her fingers cinch around his wrist to hold him still and steady for her to fuck herself down onto those fingers, a rosy flush seeping into her collarbone. in the sharp gasp that brands itself into the curve of his plush, smiling mouth as she softly bites it away, soothing over the imprint of her teeth with the slow, indulgent glide of her tongue.
she rejects its existence as much as she embraces it — that insatiable void that she's never wanted to examine until aleksander had turned her eyes toward it and forced her to acknowledge it. it isn't just an insatiability for this — for the the loneliness that melts away when her hand slides over the planes of nikolai's stomach, rucking his shirt upward in her desperation to touch him without pulling back to remove it. not just the gentle scrape of nails down his chest, leaving fading tallies in their wake, that she distantly recognizes as a physical claim on his heart that she can see, no matter how adamantly the world might decide to consider her unworthy of having nikolai lantsov's affection.
it's an appetite for the power she's tried to cast aside, too. that same power that aleksander had introduced to her with a vision she had once wanted to believe in. that same power he and nikolai vie for now. it's found another outlet in this, for now: the little cracks in nikolai's composure, the reckless ways in which he wants her, as if it's his way of reaffirming yes, i still want you without the need for her to ever ask. sometimes it's difficult to distinguish whether it's another act of daring from a dauntless man or if he's only intending to tease her, but the new wetness that soaks his fingers betrays how much that thought doesn't mortify her as it should.
how it only makes her thighs tighten around his hand with a low whine she fails to fully smother, and a quick shake of her head that she hazily realizes is too desperately eager in agreeing to that misbehavior. ]
I think — [ christ, sounding even a little like she's challenging him is difficult with his fingers stroking into her. it frays her voice into a hoarse, too-honest confession, instead, as her fingers loosen around his wrist to allow him the freedom to move again. ] — I want you to make it impossible for us to stay quiet.
[ it gets the best of him, too, this hazy desire that clouds his thoughts, the way alina looks in his lap, the flush that spreads over her skin. he wants to exist in this moment forever, a sea of roiling ocean between the rest of the world and them. it's a place where nothing can touch them, where the only thing he has to think of is alina's mouth. she pulls his shirt from the belt it's tidily tucked into, her hands warm and roaming, the pleasant sting of nails digging into his skin. he doesn't care if he shows up to dinner with marks all over him. vasily will sneer and his mother will no doubt make some baleful comment about appropriateness. none of it matters, because alina is in his arms and β in this moment β it's the sum of everything he wants.
she bears down on his fingers as he pushes them deeper with the insistence from the grip of her hand around his wrist. later tonight when they're wrapped around each other in the privacy of their shared cabin, they'll take their time β but not now. right now is about an aching want and an even more desperate need, a moment just to themselves stolen out of thin air. his free hand tangles in her hair, his kiss growing unsteady as heat pools right at the core of him, pulling a rumbling moan from his throat. ]
Alina. [ he sighs her name into her mouth, his thumb teasing her clit while his fingers arch inside of her. ] You're beautiful. Like this and always.
[ they're words he thinks she's still unused to hearing, words that she finds difficult to swallow and believe despite the truth of them. sometimes when he thinks of beating aleksander at his own game it's not just for money and power and business. sometimes he just wants to tell him what a fool he is, what a monstrous thing he is for ever making alina doubt herself, for putting her through everything he did, for taking a woman who is far more than enough and making her feel as though she somehow needed to be more. ]
I adore you. [ the words come unbidden, his thumb pressing down harder and faster, his lips trailing to her jaw, teeth skimming over her skin. ] Every single thing about you. Your laugh. Your smile. The way you look when you're furious at me. When you're happy or when you're sad, you're the one I want. You're the only one I want.
[ she's seen him painted in a spectrum of colors. nikolai, on the edge of a dragging, eternal exhaustion as lilac bruises bloom beneath his eyes. nikolai, so very full of life and splendor in the bright white light of morning, absorbed in whichever new project has captured his eye. nikolai, when the sunset casts him in the soft hues of red-velvet and swirling pink, melting away the tension of his day until he's as gentle and soothing as the oncoming night itself. but this might be her favorite — the sun bathing him in its golden silhouette until it burns away everything but the vulnerable honesty she finds there.
because there's no lie in this. in the warm slide of her name from his tongue, honeyed and rich and intoxicating. in the free flow of those words, and the stark contrast they are to every calculated, careful sentence nikolai strings together. in the moan that vibrates out of him, like he's pleased just to learn what pulls another whine from her throat. whatever pasts deceits have wedged between them, whatever secrets lurk in the silence of all they haven't said, she doesn't have to search for reasons to doubt the truth she finds there — and maybe that's the most terrifying revelation she's stumbled across, now that he's pried away her armor and left her unbalanced, unable to doubt and deflect them to keep herself from hoping for someone to satisfy her unfulfilled desire to be truly seen. ]
Nik.
[ it's a little plaintive, a little pleading, and more than a little overwhelmed. it wouldn't shock her if the relentless circles against her clit proved to be a strategic method to prevent her from arguing with him, but she doesn't have the clarity to be impressed by that ingenuity or efficiency when the curl of his fingers inside of her sends a shockwave through her system. even through the violent trembling in the muscles of her thighs, the roll of her hips to meet him is frantic, uncontrolled. what's left of her mind finds it borderline pathetic — that it's just the painful sincerity of a few sweetly spoken words that has her feverish and tense and desperate, clenching painfully tight around his fingers.
she grips into his hair to drag him from the sensitive skin of her throat to the reddened pout of her mouth and pours the crescendo of her cries into his, each one more broken and worn than the last. carefully, she reaches between them to slowly ease his fingers out of her, and drags the wet warmth of her along the hard jut of his cock instead, uncaring of the stains it'll leave. of the hurried rush he'll have to endure to change before facing his family. sensitive as she is, it sends a new tremor of aftershocks through her, quieting her whine with the next needy press of her mouth to his.
just another facet of her greed rearing its head. ]
You're not being fair. [ a ragged whisper against his lips as she fumbles between them to undo his belt, half-distracted by the messy slide of herself against him. ] Fuck, the sound of your voice and the things you say —
[ she pauses, searing her mouth against his, messy in its hunger. she's never had the same flair for words that he does, isn't even a fraction as eloquent, but she pours it into their kiss — all of that fond affection and hopeful, wistful longing that she could never do justice with words alone. ]
[ even the way she says his name makes his heart skip over several beats. nik, like itβs a secret between just the two of them, one that makes him eager to please, eager to shower her with the casual adoration he feels when he looks up from a book and sees her curled up on the couch in his study, sketching lines with the little furrow in her brow that always makes him want to get up and smooth it gently with the pad of his thumb. small things stick out in his mind, like the way she snuggles into the warm space left by his body when he rises at the crack of dawn, and how she complains about his veranda even while enjoying its benefits, and the uncanny way she somehow sees every single crack in his armor and fills them with the things he never even knew he needed to hear.
he wants to say all of this and more, but he sees sudden sparks when she grinds down against him, his breath sharp against the press of her lips. he joins her in undoing his belt, thumbing his fly open with wet, trembling fingers and finally reaching for his aching cock. his face flushes with heat, from this, from her, his mind long gone with the sight of her coming and the memory of her clenching around his fingers. if anyone interrupted them now he's not sure he would even bother to stop. ]
I can't help how my voice sounds. Or most of the things I say, for that matter.
[ breathless, his voice pulled taut, he brings his fingers to her mouth, sliding two past her lips and into the warm wetness before he pulls them back down to wrap around his cock. he leans forward, his arm curling around her waist to lift her slightly, and he whispers her name as the tip of his cock teases gently between her legs, a uneven breath stuttering out of him. looking at her like this nearly makes him dizzy with want, backlit with the fiery sunset, her lips bitten red, her hair falling messily around her face. his mouth presses to the gauzy fabric of her wrap, a breathless moan tumbling past his lips as he clenches his eyes shut, holding her close and being careful not to rush. ]
Alina β is this β [ his words break off into another groan, her heat enveloping his cock. his fingers dig hard into her thigh, a shudder gripping him as the intensity of this sensation empties his brain of all useful speech. ] Is this β ah, fuck, Alina β
[ sometimes it feels like this is all she has of him for herself, those secret pieces she doesn't have to share. there are days where nikolai lantsov belongs to a world ripe with privilege and power that poisons even the purest of hearts, more than he has ever belonged with or to her — but this belongs to no one but them. those fingers tangled around the golden threads of his hair tug, urging him to tip his head back, so that she can devour what's hers and hers alone before he disappears back into his world.
he's always beautiful, but especially like this — undone by her and painted in a flush he would deny if she were to bring it to his attention. her fingers map it first before her tongue follows, dipping her head to drag it hotly over the line of his throat, sucking his pulse point into her mouth. to make it impossible to forget her the next time he vanishes into their cabin with his phone pressed to his ear, just as the imprint of his fingers form a band around her thigh. something to trace over while they're apart, that rekindles the wanting ache between her thighs.
i've missed you, she wants to say, an unbidden confession that begs to leap from her throat. it's only been a handful of hours, but his schemes and her refusal to so much as breathe aleksander's name in his presence have nearly trapped them in different worlds. she blows a breath over his damp skin as she charts a path over his cheek, his chin, back to a mouth she's kissed into ripeness — and licks into his mouth to distract herself from the urge.
she can still taste him on her tongue, addictingly sweet, when she breaks away from his lips. ]
Is it what, Nik? [ aleksander never could grasp the concept of mercy. the vital trait that sets them apart. what she clings to, when the lines blur and the woman in the mirror peering back at her in the mirror seems like more of a stranger than a familiar friend. teasing nikolai now is far from merciful, but his reactions to her spur her onward with a smile that looks entirely too proud of herself for rendering him speechless.
never mind that she's tormenting herself along with him when she slides upward until he's barely inside of her, teasing herself on only the head of his cock. the muscles in her thighs flex with the restraint it takes to hold herself back, sticky with the same wetness that drips along the length of him when she repeats the motion. her smile disappears, wiped away by the ragged sigh on her next exhale, the strangled catch in her breath on her next inhale. she leans back in his hold so he can watch where he's inside of her, her teeth pulling at her own lip. ] Is it good? Tell me.
Edited (one day i won't forget words in the middle of sentences) 2021-02-28 04:42 (UTC)
[ itβs so impossibly good that for a moment he thinks he might be dreaming this entire thing, that heβll wake alone and sticky with his own come, the girl in his arms a figment of a hyperactive and lonely imagination. alina is too good to be true. the fact that she hasnβt left yet, that he hasnβt driven her away with the unsavory parts of his life and personality seems too miraculous to be real, and yet he feels a tiny pinch of pain when she sucks a sharp bruise right above the pulse of his throat that tells him that heβs not dreaming. heβs really here with her, today and tomorrow and every other day after that, and the notion both excites and frightens him, almost too anxious to think about all the time he wants to spend with her when time isnβt guaranteed at all. this could be cut short any day, any moment, a hard-learned lesson reminding him that he needs to be present.
is this okay is what he means to say if his mouth would cooperate with his brain. as it is, the only response he can manage is a nod and a whine deep in his throat, trying to be still but it's impossible, it's impossible with the way that alina keeps pulling away to tease the sensitive head of his cock with a knowing smile that nikolai feels strangely proud of. good for her for nearly killing him. he'd be happy to die in this bliss. ]
Alina β [ it's the only word that makes sense, the only thing on his lips. he holds out as long as he can, but soon his hips rise to thrust back into her, pulling her down against him as his back hits the chair. the slow grind of sparks leaves him breathless, his arm tightening around her and one hand pushing into her hair to angle her mouth toward his, kissing her messily, desperately. ] Yes, yes, it's good β
[ so good that he knows he won't last much longer, his hips rocking against hers, his mouth sliding from her mouth to her jaw before he buries his face against the column of her throat, her hair tickling his cheek. his breath comes unsteadily, her name wrapped around a moan, again and again, and then heat blossoms inside of him, his muscles clenching as he grips her tight. ]
[ what's left of her mind distantly registers that she would give anything for nikolai to always sound like this. with her name spilling from his tongue — alina, alina, alina, like it's the only thought he can capture in a mind that rarely finds a moment of peace. like the center of his world has narrowed down to the sharp plunge of her hips, the rolling tide of his own moving to greet her, where obsessive fixations and impossible expectations have no place.
there's nothing but the two of them here, now — alina and nikolai, uncomplicated and temporarily free from the cages they've made for themselves. i end up in too many situations where i have to show people only the side that they want to see. be who they want or need me to be, he'd once confessed beneath fluorescent lights. that lonely truth resounds in her chest, a dangerous impulse that wants to give everything to a man that's offered so much of himself to the world.
for now, she can only give him the gift of unmaking him to piece him back together again. ]
Oh — [ that keening cry tumbles out of her and into the saltwater breeze, strained and sharp, as he guides her back down onto his cock in time with the rise of his hips. the shudder that rattles through her sends her quaking against him, her thighs trembling violently around the bracket of his hips. the sudden thought that only she's seen him as he is now — ruined, stripped of his control — only fractures her sanity that much further. ] Fuck, Nikolai —
[ she grinds forward, clit rubbing against his abdomen and sending strikes of electricity through her with every thrust, tender and overstimulated. his muscles constrict, a mirror of her own closeness she can sense in the clutching grasp of his hands, the imprints they sear into her waist and the clenching tug of fingers wound through her hair. another moan burns in her throat, long and low and devastated, as she rocks harder against him. ]
You're so good to me. [ it hardly measures up to the sentiments he's offered, soothing them over her old wounds like a balm. but she wants it to be enough, wants that reminder that he is more than enough, that he doesn't destroy every heart he's held in his hands, heard. she nuzzles into the skin beneath his ear, carving half-moon marks into his shoulders with the bite of her nails and breathes out, like it's a gift he can sacrifice to her: ] Come for me. Please.
[ it isn't hard to follow the command of her voice when he's already at the edge of a precipice, just barely hanging on as he clings to her body, feeling every quiver and shake that seizes her muscles, every harsh breath that escapes her lips. he ruts his hips upward again, sinking into her warm heat, and while he wishes this moment would never end, he suddenly wants to come more than anything β not just because it's been building to an impossible crescendo all this time, but because she asked him to, and he wants to give her everything.
without warning he pulls her down beside him, the chair shaking with the sudden movement, and then he's coming over his own hand, his spine arching and a desperate gasp falling from his lips. his eyes squeeze shut, breath hitching for what feels like a small eternity, and then he exhales as he slowly relaxes, turning his face toward hers to seek out her mouth for the brush of a trembling kiss.
his desire to speak is overridden by a brain slow to form words. he traces her jawline and glides a shaky hand into her hair, his forehead pressed to hers as he struggles to catch his breath. ]
Alina. [ it's a start, his voice rough. he licks his lips and swallows, trying again. ] I can't believe β no one walked in on us. Am I to be relieved or disappointed?
[ the air rushes out of her lungs, as sudden as the cushion beneath her spine. she doesn't have the heart to tease him for it, no matter the allure of witnessing the ever-composed nikolai lantsov blush to the tips of his ears, when he glows in the shimmering slips of orange-red sunlight — hair mussed into a messy halo, the tension burned away from its permanent residence in his muscle for the first time in the time she's known him, until he's only trembling muscles and shaky breaths.
her fingers grasp at his jaw, guiding him back to the warmth of her mouth to steal what little oxygen he's retrieved. her skin still feels too tight, tingling and flushed with leftover adrenaline from just watching him come undone, as she forces herself to inject that cold wash of calm back into her veins when the lazy caress of her mouth deepens. with a murmur in the back of her throat, she pulls away from his lips to nudge her temple back to his, affectionately brushing the tip of her nose to his. delaying the inevitable won't deter reality from creeping in at the edges of the paradise they've made for themselves, much as she wishes she could pull him down to drown in her again.
when her laughter comes, it's nothing but wisps of smoke, scorched out of her throat. ]
Did you want to put on a performance? Are you that starved for attention, puppy? I just gave you some. [ her head tilts upward, pressing a kiss to the corner of his eye. in the distance, she can hear the faint thrumming of a song, notes drifting through the air. a coincidence, she hopes, but the more likely truth is that his family is adamantly trying to drown them out. her nose wrinkles, voice hushed into something conspiratorial. ] I think we're going to get into trouble.
[ it's easy to settle into this, both of their bodies still warm, damp from sweat and the press of balmy air around them. he smiles at the feel of her lips, melting against her, his arm comfortably draped along the curve of her waist. the sun hasn't quite set yet, the sky fractured into brilliant reds and pinks and oranges, and he realizes this is one of those moments he wants to hold onto, this feeling of bliss and contentment, like all is right in the world, the heaviness of his burdens cast aside. it's damn near perfect, if not for the reminder of his family's presence by way of the music wafting to the lower decks. ]
I love being in trouble. Keeps the heart healthy.
[ he smiles and presses a kiss to her jaw, idly catching a glimpse of a light blinking on his phone where alina cast is carelessly to the chair next to them. he kisses her again as he reaches over to nab it, then settles back by her side as he checks his messages. ]
Should we skip family dinner tonight? I was thinking we might take the dinghy and explore some of the caves nearby. [ his thumb scrolls across the screen while he tucks himself back into his hopelessly ruined shorts, but before he can elaborate on his idea, he abruptly sits up, eyes wide. ] Aleksander is throwing a soiree and he's bringing Zoya as his guest. All of his important business contacts will be there. She said you're getting an invitation as well.
[ he turns to her, dropping his phone and clasping her hands, his eyes bright and eager. ] Will you go? You must go. We must go. Can I be your plus one? Please?
[ — and there it is, the pin that's been taken to that safe bubble of peace they've shared. her smile wavers, its corners straining for one moment longer, before that glowing happiness dims into a frown. even as she scolds herself for the ridiculousness of being envious over an inanimate object, to say nothing of the constant schemes he seems to be spinning with zoya, it stirs in her chest, worsened by the flash of guilt she feels for experiencing it at all.
not even that parting kiss can soothe it, or the sudden glint to his eyes that can spell nothing but genuine trouble — a type far less healthy than the mischief they've gotten into with his family. she turns her face from him as her fingers slip from between his hands, if only to obscure how the shine has faded so quickly from her eyes, and sets her focus on retying the side of her rumpled bikini bottoms. the palpable eagerness from him is nearly painful, if she considers the sobering facts.
this isn't about accompanying her. it can't be anything but a product of obsession or another means of getting revenge on aleksander. she shakes away the allure of the latter, as convinced as she is that aleksander won't hesitate to parade zoya in front of her. it would be almost amusing, knowing what she does of zoya's secrets, if it didn't still pick at the scabs of her insecurities. ]
I know about the soiree. The invitation was in my inbox. I accepted it this morning. [ she mutters it to nothing but the fabric in her hands when she lifts her top, though there's an edge to her voice she can't bring herself to soften when she questions, ] Wouldn't taking you as my date just ruin your genius plans? I could just take Mal instead.
[ he almost asks why she didn't tell him before he catches himself. there was no reason for her to tell him, not when she's very firmly stated that she disapproves of his schemes β and when he's stated that he doesn't want her involved. he's exploded their hazy bubble right before her eyes, possibly into her eyes if anything is to be said of the expression she's wearing. he has the grace to at least feel a pinprick of shame. ]
I'm sorry. [ he skirts a gentle hand up her thigh, shifting his expression to contrite. or at least as contrite as he can manage after such an exhilarating moment, which is to say β not very. but his tone is genuine, speaking carefully once more. ] That was very abrupt of me.
[ he should let the topic pass, perhaps until after they're back home and into some semblance of normalcy again, but he knows this is all he'll be thinking about until solid plans are made. considering her question, he inhales thoughtfully as he searches for her bikini top, finding it hanging off the edge of the chair. ]
Would Mal go? [ he frowns to himself, lifting her wrap as he helps her slip the top back on, tying it back into place behind her back. ] Perhaps you should take Mal. If Aleksander is otherwise engaged by the three of you, then that means I would have time to do some much-needed snooping. You're so pretty when you frown at me like that.
[ her hair cascades over one shoulder, idly sweeping it aside for his fingers to fiddle with the string at her back. with the focus of his attention diverted — or a fracture of it, at any rate; nikolai has a habit of sinking claws into whatever new idea has sprung into his mind, refusing to release it until it's ripped from him — she's free to scowl, mouth rolling in a purse as she considers the unfortunate consequences of inviting mal.
aleksander would undoubtedly despise it, tracking them with cold eyes, convinced as he had always been that mal would take her — like property, like a precious vase that could be stolen. mal would loathe it more than any guest aleksander invites, no matter how frequently she's clung to him like a security blanket. it hadn't been fair then, and it isn't fair now — more so when she consider zoya, and the subjecting mal to the sight of her hanging off of aleksander's arm. asking him to be well-behaved is as impossible as expecting nikolai to do the same.
she pointedly rolls her eyes as he finishes helping her redress, unwilling to hide the exasperation that radiates from her. ]
Is this your way of trying to convince me to take you? [ undoubtedly, if her options are leaving him to his own device to gather more information for his schemes or appear with him at her side to cause a scene she'll regret. she slips toward the edge of the lounge chair, pulling her knees to her chest, and stares him down over the tops of them — like he's told her a frustrating riddle and refused to grant her the answer. ] Why do you want to go so badly? At least tell me that much.
[ she is pretty when she frowns β she's pretty when she does anything at all β but he still gives in to his urge to press his thumb to her bottom lip, swiping gently to smooth away the look of exasperation directed at him. then he gives in to his second urge, cradling her face and leaning in to kiss her, his eyes falling shut, the sensation blanketing the buzz of thoughts running rampant in his head. ]
What do you say? About skipping dinner and sailing away for a bit? [ he murmurs it into her mouth, absently toying with her hair. aleksander is important, very much so, but so is this, this thing between them that sometimes feels more fragile than it should. he has to remind himself not to handle it carelessly. ] As amusing as an incredible awkward family dinner would be, I'd rather be alone with you. Plus, I'm almost a hundred percent sure that Vasily will bring up any specifics he might have overheard.
[ he rests his chin atop her knees, hands sliding to settle against her ankles. ] Anyone important in his company will be there. I'd like to press them for information. But β not going does have its perks as well. I do fancy myself a bit of a spy.
[ looking at nikolai when he's this entrenched in a grab for power is like gazing into the sun, too bright and too brilliant for the human eye to withstand it for long. she knows how this ends, how close she's come to embodying icarus — caught with his wings alight for daring to believe he could endure it, circle it, and come out unscathed. ]
I'll go if you leave your phone behind.
[ it isn't fair: the tactics he unknowingly uses to soften her, leaning into the relaxing graze of his fingers twirling with the ends of his hair, chasing the ghost of his mouth for a moment longer before she settles back. it isn't fair: to be ensnared as a pawn, manipulated on both sides, from men that have claimed to care for her — but struggle to admit they've utilized her as an asset in their games.
at least he hasn't shrouded this new strategy in secrecy, as cutting as it is to have her suspicions confirmed and her insecurities fed. her eyes drift away with a half-hearted snort, feigning interest in the crystalline glimmer of the sea refracting kisses of pink and orange, and absently wiggles her ankles in his loose grip. ]
You didn't reveal an incriminating clown fetish, so Vasily doesn't have that much to talk about at the dinner table.
[ she doesn't have her heart invested in sarcastic wit, but the corners of her lips twitch valiantly before they smooth back into a line. ]
I knew you only wanted to go for Aleksander's sake. [ the shrug she gives doesn't quite convey the unperturbed vibe she aims for. she raises a hand, digging it it through the messy disaster they've made of her hair. ] It sounds like you're going to get what you want, whether you come with me or not.
All right. I'll leave it behind. [ he doesn't particularly want to, but he also knows he should pick his battles wisely instead of indiscriminately picking all of them. ] But you should bring yours just in case we're attacked by a deep sea creature that sees you as dinner and me as an extra-sweet dessert.
[ the fading sunlight casts shadows along the planes of her face, briefly illuminating the disappointment in her gaze. nikolai's brow furrows just slightly as he lifts his head. they were so happy mere minutes before, and now a heaviness hangs between them, one familiar to him. he shakes away the thought of dominik pleading with him to stop, the image souring his tongue, and the longer he looks at alina, the more a slow realization dawns upon him. ]
Did you β [ he blinks at her in genuine surprise, his voice soft, one hand traveling along the side of her thigh. ] Did you want me to go? As just your date, I mean. As your boyfriend. I hadn't thought β I didn't think you wanted Aleksander to know you were seeing someone. Frankly, I didn't think you wanted to go at all, and I certainly didn't think you wanted to take me. Do you want me to go just for you?
[ it's a battle too easily awarded to her, a victory she should accept with grace. the sinking pit in her stomach doesn't ease away, despite it; a tangible distraction has never been a hindrance to the buzzing swarm of nikolai's mind, drifting away into his world like alice spiraling down the rabbit hole, tugged between reality and the theoretical world he's unraveling in his head.
still, some measure of palpable relief floods through her, loosening the tension furrowed between her brows when she returns her gaze to his. from the sudden deflation of her breath, it's clear she had been prepared for his refusal, and what feels like another inevitable, looming argument that both of them continue to dance away from. ]
It would spit us both out. Too bony.
[ she rolls his cheek beneath her forefinger and thumb, a light pinch, but that playfulness vanishes like an easily dispersed mirage. she wishes the answer was simple when the very question begs her to examine whether she trusts that he won't charm his way into information, even while claiming he's there for her. ]
You're not a secret. Not to me. [ as possessive as aleksander will be, as tangled as that web is going to become, granting him that control grates her. ] I just assumed you wanted to stay one. Doesn't he know you and Zoya are friends?
[ that's the assumption she had been running on, at any rate, from mal's own displeasure at discovering nikolai had introduced her to a mysterious stranger. it's mortifying to realize the misunderstanding that might have been established, but she doesn't relent, pressing her lips together. ]
I'm not going to force you. If you want to go, then go.
[ it's hardly an answer to the obvious, but the thought of needing to plead with him to choose her over his plans for subterfuge weighs like lead in her chest. ]
[ this suddenly feels too much like a game with hidden pitfalls, as if a careless word here and a casual misstep there might plunge him into the icy depths of the sea. he hardly feels the pinch to his cheek, too busy asking himself if he can really attend this party without getting into some sort of trouble, but the opportunity feels too good to pass up β and then there's the looming reality of their relationship being made public to the world, something he knew would have to take place eventually, but wanted to drag his feet on for a bit longer. ]
He doesn't know. Not really. I orchestrated a meet-cute to introduce the two of the, but I went as someone else. I have an... alter ego, if you will. Not being a Lantsov makes getting through certain situations easier for me. But, Alina β
[ he trails off, looking away as he thinks, his mind turning over possibilities as quickly as he discards them. briefly, his teeth catch his lower lip before he meets her eyes once more with a troubled gaze. ]
I know you value your privacy. And I don't want you to have to remain a secret. But it's one thing to introduce you to my family, and quite another to show up at a public gathering with people who run in the same accursed circles as they do. I'm proud to stand by your side, Alina, but I want you to know that this will change things. And I don't think you'll find that change will be for the better.
[ he can't help but feel as though this is the beginning of the end. it was for him and dominik, and he can see all the ways that alina will hate what's coming next. there are questions he needs to ask her, things he needs to tell her to prepare for, but he's silent as his chest sinks around a soft exhale, reaching for her hand to wind their fingers together. the weight of what goes unspoken hangs heavily between them. ]
I'll go with you. If you'll have me. [ a brief smile flickers over his lips, and then he presses a kiss to the top of her knee. ] I can't go to your board meetings with you, but at least in this you don't have to be alone. I'm with you, Alina. Always.
[ alter ego. the sheer, surprising absurdity of that secret is so sudden that a laugh tickles at the base of her throat — and though it's evidence of another side of himself he's stowed away from her, she forces herself to focus. his strange habits aren't the point, but his commitment to his priorities are.
his speech has all of the trappings of a rejection. a warning to soften the blow of denying her, as though to convince her that attending it alone — without mal, who might bloody his fists; without genya, who pales deathly white in aleksander's presence, from whatever unspeakable harm he's done to her — is for her own good. all of the pain he's ever caused her has always been blanketed with sweetness, but it can't prevent her from detecting that bitterness on her tongue.
as he turns, she tenses to do the same — but his hand is a warm pressure atop hers, his fingers binding her in place. a furrow forms between her eyebrows, exposing her delay in keeping pace with the hasty racing of his thoughts. ]
It's not my first time doing this. You keep forgetting that. [ reminding him of that stain on her past is unfortunate, but necessary. she isn't that same bright-eyed girl that aleksander had made his rags to riches story, a cinderella plucked from the streets and groomed to be an equal. that streak of naivety has faded, but her determination hasn't; as aware as she is that it will hardly be the same, that she doesn't have the same protection from the same vultures that stalk aleksander and nikolai now, that she'll despise every minute of speculation and invasion of their privacy — what other choice does she possibly have but to put on a brave face? ] I can handle it.
[ it's cowardly not to present her own disclaimer. that she always attends these, if only to avoid aleksander's ire from spilling over into the other aspects of her life. to keep him complacent, leveraging his obsessive fixation to find a foothold in keeping him restrained. that she doubts nikolai will particularly enjoy witnessing any of it.
selfishly, she comforts herself with the reminder that there will be time to sort out that tangled disaster for him. later, when the tension in the air isn't billowing down her throat, threatening to smother her with anxious smog. ]
If you want to, [ she corrects, emphasizes the repetition with her brief, squeezing grip. there never was any other answer for her but yes, every time he questions whether she intends to have him. to keep him. ] If you're sure. I could always find a more handsome escort. That's obviously why I suggested Mal first.
An alter ego. He's a bit rakish compared to me β certainly more rude but almost as handsome. He stays mostly virtual these days. You don't want to meet him.
[ only zoya knows about sturmhond and his less than legal adventures, a persona meant to circumvent the irritatingly cobwebby red tape that frequently puts a halt to his schemes. in hindsight, it does sound a bit ludicrous, but sturmhond has served him well, and alina doesn't need to become an accessory in this, anyway. sturmhond can pay his way out of most situations, while nikolai finds that ruining a lantsov is far more desirable than any sum of money. ]
Aleksander has the pull to keep things out of the press. I'm afraid we don't, or else... [ or else dominik would never have been made such a spectacle, but instead of saying it he just shrugs lightly, urging a casual smile to his face. ] We'll have to have an uncomfortable conversation, I'm afraid. If there's anything in your past you don't want coming out, you'll have to weigh the risk and see if it's worth the cost. And β I'm sure you can handle it, Alina. I'm not questioning your strength. It's simply that I care about you, and I wish that being with me didn't put you in a position to make such a choice. I can't help it. That part bothers me immensely.
[ he nods, tightening his hand around hers when he feels her squeeze. it seems she's determined to make this happen, and he doesn't want to back out now. ]
I want to. I'm sure. And I'm feeling a bit sensitive, so your slights against my handsomeness are not appreciated. [ his smile turns playful as he leans in to nuzzle her cheek. ] Tell me you like me most, Starlight.
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[ his phone is entirely forgotten, curling an arm around her as she fits against his shoulder, her fingers moving pleasantly through his hair. he finds himself apprehensive of the answers she might give him. what if she does hate them? he could hardly blame her. he's always known that existing within a bubble is the safest way to protect his relationship with her, but at the same time he doesn't want her to feel as though she's a secret he's hiding away or that he's ashamed of being with her.
but alina speaks to him candidly, reasonably, and the tightness in his chest eases as each word comes out. she doesn't like them. but he doesn't particularly like them, either. ]
They are rather messy for people who think they're the opposite. [ he brings his hand up again to graze his thumb across her cheek, flushed from days in the sun. ] I'm sorry they don't love you. I knew they wouldn't, but I wanted them to know that you're who I'm with. If it makes you feel any better, they've never liked anyone I've ever brought home, friends or lovers alike, so you're in good company, I would say. They have been exceedingly consistent in that regard.
[ he leans in for another lazy kiss, his hand traveling down the gauzy fabric of her wrap to slide underneath, bare fingers gliding along the small of her back as he pulls her closer still. ] Perhaps some other forms of entertainment are in order? We Lantsovs are a highly entertaining bunch.
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[ it's needed, too, after enduring backhanded praise every time his family turns his attention back to her at the dinner table. all the same, it feels wrong to ask it of him. at the end of the weekend, she can walk away from the lantsovs until the next time their paths cross — but nikolai will always be measured, overshadowed by their vision of what he should become, his choices always questioned. strong enough to withstand their expectations, like a diamond formed under pressure, but never quite good enough to sparkle in their eyes.
it fills her with a fresh burst of frustration that she has to stamp down, her fingers slipping through his hair, down the nape of his neck to trace the column of his spine. her mouth meets the unhurried drag of his own, syrupy and sweet and slow, before she forces herself to pull back with a soft, parting nip of her teeth. ]
I don't need them to love me, but they should love you more. [ enough that they should prioritize his happiness. honestly, their disapproval is a badge of honor she should wear, from the way nikolai speaks of them — but he deserves their acceptance. ] You don't need their approval, you know. You can give that approval to yourself.
[ maybe it's too heavy for this small bubble of time they have together, uninterrupted by scheming or socializing. but she brushes the words into his mouth for safe-keeping, anyway, and lets him nudge her closer. her leg tangles with his, circling her arms around his neck as she melds into him as if daring the next interruption to pry them apart, and drags a quick, fleeting kiss across the sharp angle of his jaw. ]
Maybe new entertainment really is in order. Are you as entertaining as the rest of your family, though? They all have their own tricks. [ vasily's need for excess. his mother's desperation for attention. his father's (honestly impressive) alcohol intake. ] What's yours?
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when she breaks the kiss he turns his head to press his mouth to the snake patterned on the soft skin of her arm, kissing along the design until he reaches the pulse at her wrist. ] Very appealing means just the sight of them makes me want you even more. And I already want you a considerable amount.
[ her words take him by surprise as he senses the hint of frustration behind them. it's the same sort of thing dominik would say, only alina says it much more nicely and without inciting an argument. ]
I don't know if I want them to love me more. That might come with unforeseen conditions and dire consequences. [ he falls easily into her kiss, his hand ghosting along the curve of her back as she tangles them closer together. his family's approval is a complicated thing. most days he's sure he doesn't need it β announcing plans that seem insane to his parents has become something of a fond pastime at this point β but other days he can't help but chastise himself for even wanting it. he's confident enough that it should make little difference if he has it or not, and yet it does all the same.
he gladly shifts his mind elsewhere, leaning in to press his lips beneath her ear, trailing kisses down her throat. he's sensible enough not to leave marks, knowing that would only incite vasily's unwanted attention even further, but he does snake his hand beneath the wrap and deftly unhook her bikini top, letting it fall loose. he shifts her higher, lifting the sheer fabric over his head as he kisses her breasts one after another, teasing her nipples with his tongue. he glances up at her with a smile. ]
My trick is being outrageously handsome. You already knew that. I promise to defend your honor if anyone walks in on us, because I don't plan to stop. Things have been keeping us apart for far too long.
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but then he's hiking her higher and it's lost in the telltale hitch in her breath, the curl of her fingers digging grooves into his shoulders to steady herself. the sight of him should be a trick for how easily common sense abandons her when she peers down at him through the fan of her dark eyelashes, studying the sparkle of gold that swallows the green of his eyes, like a sunbeam casting itself across the sea — and that mouth that could kill her, that first pink flicker of his tongue that has her throat tightening around a moan just from watching him tease her, wrung out like it's been stolen from her.
her teeth sink into the pillow of her lip to hold the next noise that wants to rise at bay, hands grasping and tugging at that golden halo of hair in retaliation. ]
You want me badly enough to fuck me here?
[ she can't contain that incredulous, breathless half-whisper. recklessly here, where his family might just drop dead if they stumble across them. she can't imagine that the possibility of being caught and scandalizing them so severely wouldn't be a bonus for him, but she can't bring herself to care past the haze of arousal, the pulsing ache between her legs. it's addicting, consuming — being wanted desperately enough that he cares to risk it at all. maybe that's his other trick, she thinks distantly. making her feel wanted when few have. persuading her into dangerous antics that make her blood rush and her pulse pound, that remind her she's alive. ]
You're insane. [ her leg readjusts to coil around his hip to shift impossibly closer, anyway, fingers haphazardly untying one side of her bottoms. those same fingers ghost down the side of his face and find his mouth, tugging on his bottom lip, pressing the pad of her thumb against the tip of his tongue. ] Are you going to keep me quiet?
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Do you have a better place with a better view in mind? [ her fingertips find their way into his mouth, a hum of appreciation rumbling in his throat as he wets her fingers. he pops out from beneath the wrap, craning up to kiss her jaw and then her lips. ] Not even my veranda can compete with this.
[ when she loosens the string of her bikini it's all the invitation he needs, now sliding his fingers past the warm softness of her lips before his hand disappears between them, easing between her legs to find her already warm and willing. if anyone walked in on them now nikolai would likely have a good laugh about it, but only after his annoyance at being interrupted. he hasn't had nearly enough time with alina since this accursed vacation began, and even before that, things have been slightly unsteady since her discovery of his scheming with zoya. he knows alina is not comfortable with it and never will be, and sometimes he thinks it sits like a weed taking root between them, one that they keep trimming but can't fully pull out.
it manifests in small but noticeable ways, like alina being more covert with any work regarding aleksander as if she fears nikolai will find a way to use that in his plans. she's allowed him to disappear from time to time, and it bothers nikolai just slightly that the ever-loyal mal always seems to occupy his space when he's gone. and then there's the issue that his entire family treats alina as if she's some sort of pauper he found in an alleyway. all of these things have cast a line of tension through their relationship, though he wouldn't say things are bad. far from it. but there's a distinct difference between their honeymooning of before and the reality of their present, an ever-shifting balance as nikolai feels more and more of his shortcomings are revealed.
but she's here despite all of it. two fingers sink between her legs as he coaxes her mouth open with the tip of his tongue, gently tracing the cushion of her lips before pressing his tongue into her mouth. his hand moves steadily, a breath cascading against her mouth as his own desire mounts. ]
Should we be quiet? [ his mouth forms a smile against her lips. ] I think we've earned a bit of misbehaving.
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[ that teasing sarcasm is forgotten as her greed spills over like something wild and unleashed to find its freedom. it's in the slow trail of her fingers over the muscles in his forearm, feeling them shift with each motion. in the push of her palm against his fingers, forcing them to sink deeper until they're buried inside of her. in the grind of her hips as her fingers cinch around his wrist to hold him still and steady for her to fuck herself down onto those fingers, a rosy flush seeping into her collarbone. in the sharp gasp that brands itself into the curve of his plush, smiling mouth as she softly bites it away, soothing over the imprint of her teeth with the slow, indulgent glide of her tongue.
she rejects its existence as much as she embraces it — that insatiable void that she's never wanted to examine until aleksander had turned her eyes toward it and forced her to acknowledge it. it isn't just an insatiability for this — for the the loneliness that melts away when her hand slides over the planes of nikolai's stomach, rucking his shirt upward in her desperation to touch him without pulling back to remove it. not just the gentle scrape of nails down his chest, leaving fading tallies in their wake, that she distantly recognizes as a physical claim on his heart that she can see, no matter how adamantly the world might decide to consider her unworthy of having nikolai lantsov's affection.
it's an appetite for the power she's tried to cast aside, too. that same power that aleksander had introduced to her with a vision she had once wanted to believe in. that same power he and nikolai vie for now. it's found another outlet in this, for now: the little cracks in nikolai's composure, the reckless ways in which he wants her, as if it's his way of reaffirming yes, i still want you without the need for her to ever ask. sometimes it's difficult to distinguish whether it's another act of daring from a dauntless man or if he's only intending to tease her, but the new wetness that soaks his fingers betrays how much that thought doesn't mortify her as it should.
how it only makes her thighs tighten around his hand with a low whine she fails to fully smother, and a quick shake of her head that she hazily realizes is too desperately eager in agreeing to that misbehavior. ]
I think — [ christ, sounding even a little like she's challenging him is difficult with his fingers stroking into her. it frays her voice into a hoarse, too-honest confession, instead, as her fingers loosen around his wrist to allow him the freedom to move again. ] — I want you to make it impossible for us to stay quiet.
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[ it gets the best of him, too, this hazy desire that clouds his thoughts, the way alina looks in his lap, the flush that spreads over her skin. he wants to exist in this moment forever, a sea of roiling ocean between the rest of the world and them. it's a place where nothing can touch them, where the only thing he has to think of is alina's mouth. she pulls his shirt from the belt it's tidily tucked into, her hands warm and roaming, the pleasant sting of nails digging into his skin. he doesn't care if he shows up to dinner with marks all over him. vasily will sneer and his mother will no doubt make some baleful comment about appropriateness. none of it matters, because alina is in his arms and β in this moment β it's the sum of everything he wants.
she bears down on his fingers as he pushes them deeper with the insistence from the grip of her hand around his wrist. later tonight when they're wrapped around each other in the privacy of their shared cabin, they'll take their time β but not now. right now is about an aching want and an even more desperate need, a moment just to themselves stolen out of thin air. his free hand tangles in her hair, his kiss growing unsteady as heat pools right at the core of him, pulling a rumbling moan from his throat. ]
Alina. [ he sighs her name into her mouth, his thumb teasing her clit while his fingers arch inside of her. ] You're beautiful. Like this and always.
[ they're words he thinks she's still unused to hearing, words that she finds difficult to swallow and believe despite the truth of them. sometimes when he thinks of beating aleksander at his own game it's not just for money and power and business. sometimes he just wants to tell him what a fool he is, what a monstrous thing he is for ever making alina doubt herself, for putting her through everything he did, for taking a woman who is far more than enough and making her feel as though she somehow needed to be more. ]
I adore you. [ the words come unbidden, his thumb pressing down harder and faster, his lips trailing to her jaw, teeth skimming over her skin. ] Every single thing about you. Your laugh. Your smile. The way you look when you're furious at me. When you're happy or when you're sad, you're the one I want. You're the only one I want.
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because there's no lie in this. in the warm slide of her name from his tongue, honeyed and rich and intoxicating. in the free flow of those words, and the stark contrast they are to every calculated, careful sentence nikolai strings together. in the moan that vibrates out of him, like he's pleased just to learn what pulls another whine from her throat. whatever pasts deceits have wedged between them, whatever secrets lurk in the silence of all they haven't said, she doesn't have to search for reasons to doubt the truth she finds there — and maybe that's the most terrifying revelation she's stumbled across, now that he's pried away her armor and left her unbalanced, unable to doubt and deflect them to keep herself from hoping for someone to satisfy her unfulfilled desire to be truly seen. ]
Nik.
[ it's a little plaintive, a little pleading, and more than a little overwhelmed. it wouldn't shock her if the relentless circles against her clit proved to be a strategic method to prevent her from arguing with him, but she doesn't have the clarity to be impressed by that ingenuity or efficiency when the curl of his fingers inside of her sends a shockwave through her system. even through the violent trembling in the muscles of her thighs, the roll of her hips to meet him is frantic, uncontrolled. what's left of her mind finds it borderline pathetic — that it's just the painful sincerity of a few sweetly spoken words that has her feverish and tense and desperate, clenching painfully tight around his fingers.
she grips into his hair to drag him from the sensitive skin of her throat to the reddened pout of her mouth and pours the crescendo of her cries into his, each one more broken and worn than the last. carefully, she reaches between them to slowly ease his fingers out of her, and drags the wet warmth of her along the hard jut of his cock instead, uncaring of the stains it'll leave. of the hurried rush he'll have to endure to change before facing his family. sensitive as she is, it sends a new tremor of aftershocks through her, quieting her whine with the next needy press of her mouth to his.
just another facet of her greed rearing its head. ]
You're not being fair. [ a ragged whisper against his lips as she fumbles between them to undo his belt, half-distracted by the messy slide of herself against him. ] Fuck, the sound of your voice and the things you say —
[ she pauses, searing her mouth against his, messy in its hunger. she's never had the same flair for words that he does, isn't even a fraction as eloquent, but she pours it into their kiss — all of that fond affection and hopeful, wistful longing that she could never do justice with words alone. ]
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he wants to say all of this and more, but he sees sudden sparks when she grinds down against him, his breath sharp against the press of her lips. he joins her in undoing his belt, thumbing his fly open with wet, trembling fingers and finally reaching for his aching cock. his face flushes with heat, from this, from her, his mind long gone with the sight of her coming and the memory of her clenching around his fingers. if anyone interrupted them now he's not sure he would even bother to stop. ]
I can't help how my voice sounds. Or most of the things I say, for that matter.
[ breathless, his voice pulled taut, he brings his fingers to her mouth, sliding two past her lips and into the warm wetness before he pulls them back down to wrap around his cock. he leans forward, his arm curling around her waist to lift her slightly, and he whispers her name as the tip of his cock teases gently between her legs, a uneven breath stuttering out of him. looking at her like this nearly makes him dizzy with want, backlit with the fiery sunset, her lips bitten red, her hair falling messily around her face. his mouth presses to the gauzy fabric of her wrap, a breathless moan tumbling past his lips as he clenches his eyes shut, holding her close and being careful not to rush. ]
Alina β is this β [ his words break off into another groan, her heat enveloping his cock. his fingers dig hard into her thigh, a shudder gripping him as the intensity of this sensation empties his brain of all useful speech. ] Is this β ah, fuck, Alina β
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he's always beautiful, but especially like this — undone by her and painted in a flush he would deny if she were to bring it to his attention. her fingers map it first before her tongue follows, dipping her head to drag it hotly over the line of his throat, sucking his pulse point into her mouth. to make it impossible to forget her the next time he vanishes into their cabin with his phone pressed to his ear, just as the imprint of his fingers form a band around her thigh. something to trace over while they're apart, that rekindles the wanting ache between her thighs.
i've missed you, she wants to say, an unbidden confession that begs to leap from her throat. it's only been a handful of hours, but his schemes and her refusal to so much as breathe aleksander's name in his presence have nearly trapped them in different worlds. she blows a breath over his damp skin as she charts a path over his cheek, his chin, back to a mouth she's kissed into ripeness — and licks into his mouth to distract herself from the urge.
she can still taste him on her tongue, addictingly sweet, when she breaks away from his lips. ]
Is it what, Nik? [ aleksander never could grasp the concept of mercy. the vital trait that sets them apart. what she clings to, when the lines blur and the woman in the mirror peering back at her in the mirror seems like more of a stranger than a familiar friend. teasing nikolai now is far from merciful, but his reactions to her spur her onward with a smile that looks entirely too proud of herself for rendering him speechless.
never mind that she's tormenting herself along with him when she slides upward until he's barely inside of her, teasing herself on only the head of his cock. the muscles in her thighs flex with the restraint it takes to hold herself back, sticky with the same wetness that drips along the length of him when she repeats the motion. her smile disappears, wiped away by the ragged sigh on her next exhale, the strangled catch in her breath on her next inhale. she leans back in his hold so he can watch where he's inside of her, her teeth pulling at her own lip. ] Is it good? Tell me.
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is this okay is what he means to say if his mouth would cooperate with his brain. as it is, the only response he can manage is a nod and a whine deep in his throat, trying to be still but it's impossible, it's impossible with the way that alina keeps pulling away to tease the sensitive head of his cock with a knowing smile that nikolai feels strangely proud of. good for her for nearly killing him. he'd be happy to die in this bliss. ]
Alina β [ it's the only word that makes sense, the only thing on his lips. he holds out as long as he can, but soon his hips rise to thrust back into her, pulling her down against him as his back hits the chair. the slow grind of sparks leaves him breathless, his arm tightening around her and one hand pushing into her hair to angle her mouth toward his, kissing her messily, desperately. ] Yes, yes, it's good β
[ so good that he knows he won't last much longer, his hips rocking against hers, his mouth sliding from her mouth to her jaw before he buries his face against the column of her throat, her hair tickling his cheek. his breath comes unsteadily, her name wrapped around a moan, again and again, and then heat blossoms inside of him, his muscles clenching as he grips her tight. ]
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there's nothing but the two of them here, now — alina and nikolai, uncomplicated and temporarily free from the cages they've made for themselves. i end up in too many situations where i have to show people only the side that they want to see. be who they want or need me to be, he'd once confessed beneath fluorescent lights. that lonely truth resounds in her chest, a dangerous impulse that wants to give everything to a man that's offered so much of himself to the world.
for now, she can only give him the gift of unmaking him to piece him back together again. ]
Oh — [ that keening cry tumbles out of her and into the saltwater breeze, strained and sharp, as he guides her back down onto his cock in time with the rise of his hips. the shudder that rattles through her sends her quaking against him, her thighs trembling violently around the bracket of his hips. the sudden thought that only she's seen him as he is now — ruined, stripped of his control — only fractures her sanity that much further. ] Fuck, Nikolai —
[ she grinds forward, clit rubbing against his abdomen and sending strikes of electricity through her with every thrust, tender and overstimulated. his muscles constrict, a mirror of her own closeness she can sense in the clutching grasp of his hands, the imprints they sear into her waist and the clenching tug of fingers wound through her hair. another moan burns in her throat, long and low and devastated, as she rocks harder against him. ]
You're so good to me. [ it hardly measures up to the sentiments he's offered, soothing them over her old wounds like a balm. but she wants it to be enough, wants that reminder that he is more than enough, that he doesn't destroy every heart he's held in his hands, heard. she nuzzles into the skin beneath his ear, carving half-moon marks into his shoulders with the bite of her nails and breathes out, like it's a gift he can sacrifice to her: ] Come for me. Please.
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without warning he pulls her down beside him, the chair shaking with the sudden movement, and then he's coming over his own hand, his spine arching and a desperate gasp falling from his lips. his eyes squeeze shut, breath hitching for what feels like a small eternity, and then he exhales as he slowly relaxes, turning his face toward hers to seek out her mouth for the brush of a trembling kiss.
his desire to speak is overridden by a brain slow to form words. he traces her jawline and glides a shaky hand into her hair, his forehead pressed to hers as he struggles to catch his breath. ]
Alina. [ it's a start, his voice rough. he licks his lips and swallows, trying again. ] I can't believe β no one walked in on us. Am I to be relieved or disappointed?
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her fingers grasp at his jaw, guiding him back to the warmth of her mouth to steal what little oxygen he's retrieved. her skin still feels too tight, tingling and flushed with leftover adrenaline from just watching him come undone, as she forces herself to inject that cold wash of calm back into her veins when the lazy caress of her mouth deepens. with a murmur in the back of her throat, she pulls away from his lips to nudge her temple back to his, affectionately brushing the tip of her nose to his. delaying the inevitable won't deter reality from creeping in at the edges of the paradise they've made for themselves, much as she wishes she could pull him down to drown in her again.
when her laughter comes, it's nothing but wisps of smoke, scorched out of her throat. ]
Did you want to put on a performance? Are you that starved for attention, puppy? I just gave you some. [ her head tilts upward, pressing a kiss to the corner of his eye. in the distance, she can hear the faint thrumming of a song, notes drifting through the air. a coincidence, she hopes, but the more likely truth is that his family is adamantly trying to drown them out. her nose wrinkles, voice hushed into something conspiratorial. ] I think we're going to get into trouble.
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I love being in trouble. Keeps the heart healthy.
[ he smiles and presses a kiss to her jaw, idly catching a glimpse of a light blinking on his phone where alina cast is carelessly to the chair next to them. he kisses her again as he reaches over to nab it, then settles back by her side as he checks his messages. ]
Should we skip family dinner tonight? I was thinking we might take the dinghy and explore some of the caves nearby. [ his thumb scrolls across the screen while he tucks himself back into his hopelessly ruined shorts, but before he can elaborate on his idea, he abruptly sits up, eyes wide. ] Aleksander is throwing a soiree and he's bringing Zoya as his guest. All of his important business contacts will be there. She said you're getting an invitation as well.
[ he turns to her, dropping his phone and clasping her hands, his eyes bright and eager. ] Will you go? You must go. We must go. Can I be your plus one? Please?
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not even that parting kiss can soothe it, or the sudden glint to his eyes that can spell nothing but genuine trouble — a type far less healthy than the mischief they've gotten into with his family. she turns her face from him as her fingers slip from between his hands, if only to obscure how the shine has faded so quickly from her eyes, and sets her focus on retying the side of her rumpled bikini bottoms. the palpable eagerness from him is nearly painful, if she considers the sobering facts.
this isn't about accompanying her. it can't be anything but a product of obsession or another means of getting revenge on aleksander. she shakes away the allure of the latter, as convinced as she is that aleksander won't hesitate to parade zoya in front of her. it would be almost amusing, knowing what she does of zoya's secrets, if it didn't still pick at the scabs of her insecurities. ]
I know about the soiree. The invitation was in my inbox. I accepted it this morning. [ she mutters it to nothing but the fabric in her hands when she lifts her top, though there's an edge to her voice she can't bring herself to soften when she questions, ] Wouldn't taking you as my date just ruin your genius plans? I could just take Mal instead.
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I'm sorry. [ he skirts a gentle hand up her thigh, shifting his expression to contrite. or at least as contrite as he can manage after such an exhilarating moment, which is to say β not very. but his tone is genuine, speaking carefully once more. ] That was very abrupt of me.
[ he should let the topic pass, perhaps until after they're back home and into some semblance of normalcy again, but he knows this is all he'll be thinking about until solid plans are made. considering her question, he inhales thoughtfully as he searches for her bikini top, finding it hanging off the edge of the chair. ]
Would Mal go? [ he frowns to himself, lifting her wrap as he helps her slip the top back on, tying it back into place behind her back. ] Perhaps you should take Mal. If Aleksander is otherwise engaged by the three of you, then that means I would have time to do some much-needed snooping. You're so pretty when you frown at me like that.
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aleksander would undoubtedly despise it, tracking them with cold eyes, convinced as he had always been that mal would take her — like property, like a precious vase that could be stolen. mal would loathe it more than any guest aleksander invites, no matter how frequently she's clung to him like a security blanket. it hadn't been fair then, and it isn't fair now — more so when she consider zoya, and the subjecting mal to the sight of her hanging off of aleksander's arm. asking him to be well-behaved is as impossible as expecting nikolai to do the same.
she pointedly rolls her eyes as he finishes helping her redress, unwilling to hide the exasperation that radiates from her. ]
Is this your way of trying to convince me to take you? [ undoubtedly, if her options are leaving him to his own device to gather more information for his schemes or appear with him at her side to cause a scene she'll regret. she slips toward the edge of the lounge chair, pulling her knees to her chest, and stares him down over the tops of them — like he's told her a frustrating riddle and refused to grant her the answer. ] Why do you want to go so badly? At least tell me that much.
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What do you say? About skipping dinner and sailing away for a bit? [ he murmurs it into her mouth, absently toying with her hair. aleksander is important, very much so, but so is this, this thing between them that sometimes feels more fragile than it should. he has to remind himself not to handle it carelessly. ] As amusing as an incredible awkward family dinner would be, I'd rather be alone with you. Plus, I'm almost a hundred percent sure that Vasily will bring up any specifics he might have overheard.
[ he rests his chin atop her knees, hands sliding to settle against her ankles. ] Anyone important in his company will be there. I'd like to press them for information. But β not going does have its perks as well. I do fancy myself a bit of a spy.
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I'll go if you leave your phone behind.
[ it isn't fair: the tactics he unknowingly uses to soften her, leaning into the relaxing graze of his fingers twirling with the ends of his hair, chasing the ghost of his mouth for a moment longer before she settles back. it isn't fair: to be ensnared as a pawn, manipulated on both sides, from men that have claimed to care for her — but struggle to admit they've utilized her as an asset in their games.
at least he hasn't shrouded this new strategy in secrecy, as cutting as it is to have her suspicions confirmed and her insecurities fed. her eyes drift away with a half-hearted snort, feigning interest in the crystalline glimmer of the sea refracting kisses of pink and orange, and absently wiggles her ankles in his loose grip. ]
You didn't reveal an incriminating clown fetish, so Vasily doesn't have that much to talk about at the dinner table.
[ she doesn't have her heart invested in sarcastic wit, but the corners of her lips twitch valiantly before they smooth back into a line. ]
I knew you only wanted to go for Aleksander's sake. [ the shrug she gives doesn't quite convey the unperturbed vibe she aims for. she raises a hand, digging it it through the messy disaster they've made of her hair. ] It sounds like you're going to get what you want, whether you come with me or not.
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[ the fading sunlight casts shadows along the planes of her face, briefly illuminating the disappointment in her gaze. nikolai's brow furrows just slightly as he lifts his head. they were so happy mere minutes before, and now a heaviness hangs between them, one familiar to him. he shakes away the thought of dominik pleading with him to stop, the image souring his tongue, and the longer he looks at alina, the more a slow realization dawns upon him. ]
Did you β [ he blinks at her in genuine surprise, his voice soft, one hand traveling along the side of her thigh. ] Did you want me to go? As just your date, I mean. As your boyfriend. I hadn't thought β I didn't think you wanted Aleksander to know you were seeing someone. Frankly, I didn't think you wanted to go at all, and I certainly didn't think you wanted to take me. Do you want me to go just for you?
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still, some measure of palpable relief floods through her, loosening the tension furrowed between her brows when she returns her gaze to his. from the sudden deflation of her breath, it's clear she had been prepared for his refusal, and what feels like another inevitable, looming argument that both of them continue to dance away from. ]
It would spit us both out. Too bony.
[ she rolls his cheek beneath her forefinger and thumb, a light pinch, but that playfulness vanishes like an easily dispersed mirage. she wishes the answer was simple when the very question begs her to examine whether she trusts that he won't charm his way into information, even while claiming he's there for her. ]
You're not a secret. Not to me. [ as possessive as aleksander will be, as tangled as that web is going to become, granting him that control grates her. ] I just assumed you wanted to stay one. Doesn't he know you and Zoya are friends?
[ that's the assumption she had been running on, at any rate, from mal's own displeasure at discovering nikolai had introduced her to a mysterious stranger. it's mortifying to realize the misunderstanding that might have been established, but she doesn't relent, pressing her lips together. ]
I'm not going to force you. If you want to go, then go.
[ it's hardly an answer to the obvious, but the thought of needing to plead with him to choose her over his plans for subterfuge weighs like lead in her chest. ]
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He doesn't know. Not really. I orchestrated a meet-cute to introduce the two of the, but I went as someone else. I have an... alter ego, if you will. Not being a Lantsov makes getting through certain situations easier for me. But, Alina β
[ he trails off, looking away as he thinks, his mind turning over possibilities as quickly as he discards them. briefly, his teeth catch his lower lip before he meets her eyes once more with a troubled gaze. ]
I know you value your privacy. And I don't want you to have to remain a secret. But it's one thing to introduce you to my family, and quite another to show up at a public gathering with people who run in the same accursed circles as they do. I'm proud to stand by your side, Alina, but I want you to know that this will change things. And I don't think you'll find that change will be for the better.
[ he can't help but feel as though this is the beginning of the end. it was for him and dominik, and he can see all the ways that alina will hate what's coming next. there are questions he needs to ask her, things he needs to tell her to prepare for, but he's silent as his chest sinks around a soft exhale, reaching for her hand to wind their fingers together. the weight of what goes unspoken hangs heavily between them. ]
I'll go with you. If you'll have me. [ a brief smile flickers over his lips, and then he presses a kiss to the top of her knee. ] I can't go to your board meetings with you, but at least in this you don't have to be alone. I'm with you, Alina. Always.
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[ alter ego. the sheer, surprising absurdity of that secret is so sudden that a laugh tickles at the base of her throat — and though it's evidence of another side of himself he's stowed away from her, she forces herself to focus. his strange habits aren't the point, but his commitment to his priorities are.
his speech has all of the trappings of a rejection. a warning to soften the blow of denying her, as though to convince her that attending it alone — without mal, who might bloody his fists; without genya, who pales deathly white in aleksander's presence, from whatever unspeakable harm he's done to her — is for her own good. all of the pain he's ever caused her has always been blanketed with sweetness, but it can't prevent her from detecting that bitterness on her tongue.
as he turns, she tenses to do the same — but his hand is a warm pressure atop hers, his fingers binding her in place. a furrow forms between her eyebrows, exposing her delay in keeping pace with the hasty racing of his thoughts. ]
It's not my first time doing this. You keep forgetting that. [ reminding him of that stain on her past is unfortunate, but necessary. she isn't that same bright-eyed girl that aleksander had made his rags to riches story, a cinderella plucked from the streets and groomed to be an equal. that streak of naivety has faded, but her determination hasn't; as aware as she is that it will hardly be the same, that she doesn't have the same protection from the same vultures that stalk aleksander and nikolai now, that she'll despise every minute of speculation and invasion of their privacy — what other choice does she possibly have but to put on a brave face? ] I can handle it.
[ it's cowardly not to present her own disclaimer. that she always attends these, if only to avoid aleksander's ire from spilling over into the other aspects of her life. to keep him complacent, leveraging his obsessive fixation to find a foothold in keeping him restrained. that she doubts nikolai will particularly enjoy witnessing any of it.
selfishly, she comforts herself with the reminder that there will be time to sort out that tangled disaster for him. later, when the tension in the air isn't billowing down her throat, threatening to smother her with anxious smog. ]
If you want to, [ she corrects, emphasizes the repetition with her brief, squeezing grip. there never was any other answer for her but yes, every time he questions whether she intends to have him. to keep him. ] If you're sure. I could always find a more handsome escort. That's obviously why I suggested Mal first.
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[ only zoya knows about sturmhond and his less than legal adventures, a persona meant to circumvent the irritatingly cobwebby red tape that frequently puts a halt to his schemes. in hindsight, it does sound a bit ludicrous, but sturmhond has served him well, and alina doesn't need to become an accessory in this, anyway. sturmhond can pay his way out of most situations, while nikolai finds that ruining a lantsov is far more desirable than any sum of money. ]
Aleksander has the pull to keep things out of the press. I'm afraid we don't, or else... [ or else dominik would never have been made such a spectacle, but instead of saying it he just shrugs lightly, urging a casual smile to his face. ] We'll have to have an uncomfortable conversation, I'm afraid. If there's anything in your past you don't want coming out, you'll have to weigh the risk and see if it's worth the cost. And β I'm sure you can handle it, Alina. I'm not questioning your strength. It's simply that I care about you, and I wish that being with me didn't put you in a position to make such a choice. I can't help it. That part bothers me immensely.
[ he nods, tightening his hand around hers when he feels her squeeze. it seems she's determined to make this happen, and he doesn't want to back out now. ]
I want to. I'm sure. And I'm feeling a bit sensitive, so your slights against my handsomeness are not appreciated. [ his smile turns playful as he leans in to nuzzle her cheek. ] Tell me you like me most, Starlight.
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