it was a bit crudely stated, is all. you know i don't want that. well, he hasn't seen my face in quite some time. he'll need a moment or two to admire it. and i want to assure him there are no hard feelings between us. business is business, after all, and it isn't as if my opinions on my family are a secret. those seeds. the seeds that will get me back in later.
it was honest. i'm not going to dress it up to make it sound better than what it really is. and i'm not going to pretend that you weren't trying to take a jab at me because i wouldn't have the same patience as mal if i was in his shoes. we agreed you were going for me, not for aleksander.
Edited (how do words work!!!) 2021-03-12 05:33 (UTC)
all right, we'll call it what it is. deceitful. immoral. dehumanizing. and still necessary. i wasn't trying to take a jab at you. honestly, it would be easier if mal didn't stay. his big heart, though admirable, is frankly a nuisance right now.
[ a beat, and then — ]
i know. we did. i'll stay by your side. it won't put off the inevitable, though. i'm still going to see him eventually. if not here, then privately, later. some other day that's still going to be sooner than you like.
you're right. it's all of those things, except "necessary". really? so if "it certainly says a lot about something" wasn't an insult about me, it was an insult about mal. but i guess it doesn't count as disparaging someone's best friend when nikolai lantsov says it.
[ her pause is long enough to wonder if she's simply abandoned the conversation, a moment of consideration and calming breaths she tries to take for herself, until — ]
if you're going to make this about aleksander, i'd rather just go alone. i'll schedule your private meeting with him in the books, and you can get what you want without having to pretend you're not thinking about scheming the entire time you're supposed to be there with me.
so it's all right that you give up parts of yourself to protect others from him — something i personally consider quite drastic — but my methods aren't up to par? we want the same thing, alina. is what i'm doing not humane enough for you? i know you're not concerned with zoya's wellbeing. so what is it? do you protest that aleksander is being used without knowing it? i'm sorry. i shouldn't have said that about mal.
i want to be there with you. i can't stop myself from thinking other things, but you're my primary concern. you're my reason. i don't want you to feel like you need to do this alone.
don't act like i don't care about zoya's wellbeing in all of this. just because i don't like her for what she's doing to mal doesn't mean i'd want any other person to get caught up in his bullshit. i'm not heartless, nikolai. do my reasons for hating your methods matter? you're going to do what you want, anyway. how i feel about it doesn't change a single thing.
even when you're with me, it doesn't feel like you're with me lately. not completely. not since all of this started. just admit that you still have other motives for going, even if i'm your primary concern.
she isn't doing anything to mal. mal is doing this to himself. how i feel about what you're doing isn't stopping you, either. the nobility of martyrdom is vastly overrated. what would you have me do, alina? stop? will you stop as well?
[ he almost says you sound just like dominik, but it feels too much like pressing thorns into his own side. too much like admitting the both of them are right. ]
even if i did, it doesn't change the fact that i want to be there for you. i want to be there for the things that are hard and for the things that are easy. i want to stand by you for all of it. and yes, i do have other motives for going. i won't do you the disservice of a lie we both know isn't true.
facing things alone is looking a lot better than dealing with someone who wants to throw my pain in my face when it's convenient for them. i don't have to martyr myself by dealing with this, so i think i'll stay off the cross. have a nice night, nikolai.
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no subject
you know i don't want that.
well, he hasn't seen my face in quite some time. he'll need a moment or two to admire it. and i want to assure him there are no hard feelings between us. business is business, after all, and it isn't as if my opinions on my family are a secret. those seeds. the seeds that will get me back in later.
no subject
and i'm not going to pretend that you weren't trying to take a jab at me because i wouldn't have the same patience as mal if i was in his shoes.
we agreed you were going for me, not for aleksander.
no subject
i wasn't trying to take a jab at you. honestly, it would be easier if mal didn't stay. his big heart, though admirable, is frankly a nuisance right now.
[ a beat, and then — ]
i know. we did. i'll stay by your side.
it won't put off the inevitable, though. i'm still going to see him eventually. if not here, then privately, later. some other day that's still going to be sooner than you like.
no subject
really? so if "it certainly says a lot about something" wasn't an insult about me, it was an insult about mal.
but i guess it doesn't count as disparaging someone's best friend when nikolai lantsov says it.
[ her pause is long enough to wonder if she's simply abandoned the conversation, a moment of consideration and calming breaths she tries to take for herself, until — ]
if you're going to make this about aleksander, i'd rather just go alone.
i'll schedule your private meeting with him in the books, and you can get what you want without having to pretend you're not thinking about scheming the entire time you're supposed to be there with me.
no subject
i'm sorry. i shouldn't have said that about mal.
i want to be there with you. i can't stop myself from thinking other things, but you're my primary concern. you're my reason.
i don't want you to feel like you need to do this alone.
no subject
just because i don't like her for what she's doing to mal doesn't mean i'd want any other person to get caught up in his bullshit.
i'm not heartless, nikolai.
do my reasons for hating your methods matter? you're going to do what you want, anyway. how i feel about it doesn't change a single thing.
even when you're with me, it doesn't feel like you're with me lately. not completely.
not since all of this started.
just admit that you still have other motives for going, even if i'm your primary concern.
no subject
how i feel about what you're doing isn't stopping you, either. the nobility of martyrdom is vastly overrated.
what would you have me do, alina? stop? will you stop as well?
[ he almost says you sound just like dominik, but it feels too much like pressing thorns into his own side. too much like admitting the both of them are right. ]
even if i did, it doesn't change the fact that i want to be there for you. i want to be there for the things that are hard and for the things that are easy. i want to stand by you for all of it.
and yes, i do have other motives for going. i won't do you the disservice of a lie we both know isn't true.
no subject
i don't have to martyr myself by dealing with this, so i think i'll stay off the cross. have a nice night, nikolai.