[ hard to say if thatās exactly what nikolai wanted to hear, but it seems to encourage him, resulting in a motion so purposeful that it pushes another cry from his mouth. content to let nikolai ease the way and set the pace, kaz only clumsily strives to match his rhythm as his hand skims higher. wishes he could touch and see nikolai, made more real in his gaze and grasp, but it feels as though kaz has already asked so much of him. too much. more than he can give, certainly.
nikolai is frightfully close, besides, a comforting weight over him, alongside him. youāre warm echoes strangely in his skull, the pitch slightly off, but he canāt dwell on it, thoughts shattering as nikolai thrusts hard, grazing somewhere deep and sensitive that wrings a gasp from his lungs. no kiss can obscure the shock of nikolai pulling from him, however. immediately, kaz recognises the look of a man caught between two places, fearful of one and clinging to another. where did you go? slides to the tip of his tongue but the answer crashes into his teeth: somewhere within the monsterās grasp, vision flecked with red and dotted with bodies.
for a moment, he lets nikolai refocus, uninterrupted by questions or concerns. his own worries could be mistaken for mere affection, flowing from his sure hands, finally able to reach nikolai after being bereft for agonising minutes. they cradle his face, thumb arcing over his cheek; tuck the blond strands behind his ears; smooth over his shoulder, down his torso to squeeze his hip, then his cock. kisses featherlight at the corner of his perfect mouth, the tense line of his jaw. all actions that say iām here, iām here, with you because i want to be. although his legs fall open and his hands drop aside to let nikolai retake the lead, kaz first hitches higher on his elbows to catch nikolaiās gaze, bright against his constellation of freckles. itās obvious how much he cares, nerves creasing his brow, earnest hope lighting those eyes he adores ā kazās chest pangs over ever having doubted him. ]
[ his voice scrapes his throat, heavy with want. ] Itās already good for me. Itās you. [ like itās simple, like nikolai himself is enough. kaz tips back without instruction, a renewed rush of vulnerability loosing a ragged exhale. suddenly, heās too aware of how exposed he is, how frayed each nerve feels, angled for nikolai to see and touch things no one else has ever dared. his gaze swings to the unfamiliar ceiling before he nods back to nikolai. half of him begs to seize control, while the other just aches to have nikolai between his thighs, the absurd, overwhelming desire for him flushing his skin anew. (youāre so warm, distant but still intelligible, because nikolai is the cold one, for once.) he lifts his hips when nikolai slides a pillow beneath them, grasping his bicep to steady them both. cock hard and waiting even without nikolaiās attention.
never wanted anything, anyone like this. a desire to disassemble and reassemble every part of nikolai, a miracle of bones and sinew in a quavering frame, whirring with life. didnāt even think himself capable of this wanting, let alone having so intimately. an unprecedented closeness. itās staggering. awe parts his mouth. with a stuttered inhale, the head of nikolaiās cock pushes past the initial ring of resistance. his fingers indent nikolaiās arm as his other hand fists in the bedspread. itās easier from there, in a way. fuller, in other. this time, he has nikolai filling his vision (just like he wanted but hadnāt asked for), answering the impossible ache inside him, a tender sort of focus on his face. ]
I know. [ bothered and glad for it, all his hard angles softened. how many times must he say it? i know because itās you. even when the current drags him elsewhere, he finds his way back. nikolai will do the same for him tonight ā and after that. a minor drift is cut short by nikolai entwining their fingers and winding his arms down. kaz blinks until he recalibrates, grounding himself in the strength of those lightning-struck hands, electricity crackling from their clasp, thrumming through his veins and zipping down his spine.
an incremental stretch to the limit still reaches the limit in question. cold radiates outward from his pelvis, warmth fighting to cover the same ground. ] Iām with you. [ a breathless assurance. ] Itās good. Just ā wait. [ in the span of heartbeats, he catches nikolaiās mouth with a tip of his head, soothing the nerves rubbed raw. ] Okay. Okay. Keep going. [ spine arching to urge him on and puzzle out the distinct mechanics of how they fit together, flush against each other. a wounded animal noise slips past his defences, fingers tightening their hold. ] Only ever wanted you like this ā Nikolai, please. [ too keyed up to make the conscious decision to hold back words of that kind any longer. itās far more important ā vital even, that nikolai know how much heās needed. ]
[ i'm with you, words he desperately clings to as he struggles to remain here in this moment. the depth of kaz's emotion crests over him, pulling him back, their mouths brushing as his hips stutter at kaz's command, pressing in until he's flush between his legs. heat pools between them, impossibly good, and he doesn't know how he manages to remain still, but he does, allowing kaz time to adjust to the feeling of this. he tries not to think about how he needs the moment to pull himself together, how he's worried that he can't. ]
Good. [ he noses along kaz's cheek, lashes fluttering along his skin. ] You're doing good. You feel ā feel so good. [ and it's more than just the sensation coursing through his body. it's the way kaz looks at him now, like he's seeing too much of him and still not turning away, like nikolai is still something to be handled tenderly, to be treated with such care after the things he's done. kaz keeps giving him more than he deserves, keeps toeing the line between life and death just for him. what if he hadn't come back? it makes him hold him tighter, makes it even worse to know he has to let him go.
gently, he moves his hips, testing out a careful rhythm. one hand loosens its hold to grip kaz's wounded thigh, drawing his leg around his waist. a ragged breath escapes him, his eyes closing ā bright blood, pale snow, images flickering behind his lids. he buries his face in the soft space beneath kaz's ear, another breath pulled haggardly into his lungs. don't ruin this. he lifts his gaze, tipping their mouths together, finding the blue of kaz's eyes to anchor him here. ]
I've thought about you like this for so long. [ prefacing a kiss, his tongue sliding past his lips, a desperate attempt to get the taste of blood out of his mouth. the pleasure and terror warring in his mind feels like it might tear him in two, hips pushing more roughly into kaz now, careful to watch for signs that he can't take any more. ] It's better ā better than I imagined.
[ and so much worse, because in his fantasies he never balanced so precariously on such a thin line between desire and death. stay, he thinks to himself, and still he feels his mind veering, dropping his face to hide in kaz's throat again, a softly strangled moan pushing out of him. he shudders with each snap of his hips, trying to focus his hopelessly scattered mind ā pieces of himself strewn across bloodstained snow, pieces of himself held in kaz's nimble hands, pieces of himself lost in places he can't reach. ]
Keep me here. [ a ragged whisper, out before he can snatch the words back. a request he never meant to say aloud, a burden he never wanted to drop so squarely onto kaz's wounded shoulders. an impossible task, one kaz has already confessed to not knowing how to tackle that terrible night in novyi zem. guilt floods him. he uncurls their other hand so he can trace gentle fingers along kaz's sharp cheekbones. ] Will you ā touch yourself? Let me see your face while you do.
[ sensation layered and doubling, aligned with the whole of him, from where nikolai pushes flush to the lashes kissing his cheek. itās as if liquid heat pours out of him and fills kaz up. his mouth stretches over a long, low groan. the assurance, the praise sparks his attention, blues flashing in answer. already, something tugs low, a call to chase, hips canting up in response. ]
Hah ā [ the pain-pleasure of nikolai gripping his thigh, like pressing a bruise. ] So do you. [ as quick to learn in this as kaz is in all things, locking a leg at nikolaiās waist when guided back. his free hand swiftly plunges into nikolaiās hair, tangling firm to drag him into every kiss. and trap him at the hollow of kazās throat, too, the only security he can offer against those shuddering breaths.
for so long, he says, and that seems impossible. well, improbable, but then so is the way nikolai curves over him, setting a galvanising pace that has kaz rocking up against him, legato pants only broken on the rebound. strangely gratifying, to imagine nikolai thinking of him like this when kaz had still been trying not to look for too long, skin prickling every time he was caught. in an instant, the reverse occurs ā nikolai definitively exposed, rib cage opened up so kaz can see and seize his heart. his pulse pangs at the sight, a throbbing that reaches the still-molten core of him.
scenarios shuffle in his mind, the next play selected with expedient precision. no time to overthink. ]
[ gently, ] I canāt. [ keep him, even though kaz said he would and meant it. the mistake he made in novyi zen was the first domino that clattered down, knocking block after block until they stained the fjerdan snowscapes crimson. his fault, as much as nikolaiās. all his miscalculations added to their inevitable sum. even so, any guilt kaz experiences is on behalf of but one person, though others paid with their lives. he squeezes the nape of nikolaiās neck, blunt nails scratching the skin. ] Let go, and then find your way back.
[ nikolai should know this refrain after all the times kaz has been pulled under in his arms ā after begging him to still, when they actually fell into the sea. if you fight the riptide, youāre more likely to drown, after all. you have to let the current carry you out before you can swim back to shore. or, as inej might say, the trick is in knowing how to fall. always time for unsolicited advice from the philosopher crook, even if that means pausing or stopping this affair entirely. thereās no point in being here and having this without nikolai able to enjoy it.
black-tipped fingers flutter in his periphery. kaz tilts his head just so, brushing his lips over nikolaiās palm in acknowledgement of his request and shakiness both. if nikolai finds himself floating, kaz can be the counterweight for a change. he must. ]
Back to my voice. [ he slips his other hand between them, skimming over the flat of his stomach before gripping his cock and letting a ragged sound spill from his lips where heād normally hush it. can feel himself tighten around nikolai, new but good. his nimble fingers gather wetness from the tip and stroke down his length. itās immediately clear that he wonāt last like this, with nikolai sliding in and out while his own confidence mounts, meeting each thrust. a ratcheting intensity. his features loosen, grin sudden and boyish as head falls back, throat bared. ] My face. [ that nikolai seems partial to, obviously. a visual and tactile learner, he thinks wryly, hooking a protective arm across his shoulders. desperate as he is, kaz wonāt push onward unless nikolaiās shaky pieces reassemble in his hold. some things are too precious to risk. ]
[ i can't. a strange relief to hear it, that he won't have to pry this guilt from kaz's fingers like last time. he can't. no one can. nikolai can hardly manage the job himself, a miserable task he wouldn't wish on anyone. a mind like his, an impossible energy like this, now a curse thrown on top of something already wildly unmanageable... who would even want to? kaz looks at him like he's something he's not, seeing things that just can't be there, because there's no way he deserves to be the sole focus of his tender gaze, no way he deserves all the danger he puts himself through just to be here with him. ]
I can't. [ let go. a quiet whisper, a match to his words. letting go comes with too much risk. what will he see, what will he do? you used to be overfond of risk. what's so different now? throwing his own life to chance has always been a terrifying exhilaration, a high stakes gamble he'd be handsomely rewarded for. he loved the thrill, despised that he couldn't live without it, dreaded that he'd have to come back to court and leave his sensational, patchwork life behind to rescue his beloved country that his parents drove into the ground. he'd still done it. and yet this seems impossible, here, now, to give up the smallest bit of control even when it feels like holding on will kill him.
is he the drowning man now? kaz pulls his focus back, gripping his neck, and nikolai tries to find the sky in his eyes again, steady, clear. fjerda's skies are too pale, ketterdam's skies too dreary. kaz's eyes are like a ravkan sky in the deep evening, still aglow with the light of the sun, the pinks and oranges already washed away, a view he's admired many nights from the palace terraces. let go, and then find your way back. but the sky is so vast and he doesn't want to admit to the fear at home in his veins. does he know? he has to. kaz always seems to know, when it comes to him.
his lips flutter over his palm, nikolai's fingers twitching in surprise. the scars don't bother him the way they used to, but he doesn't think he'll ever be comfortable when he looks at the stains marking his fingers, the shadows trailing down to his wrists. doesn't think he'll ever be thrilled to remove his gloves in public when the situation requires it of him. doesn't think he's ever felt lips on his marred hands until kaz decided his belonged there. it hits him at once that he's fucking kaz brekker in a fjerdan palace, and kaz isn't drowning, isn't turning away, but instead leading him away from cold, bloodstained snow and back into the circle of his arms. what stars had to align for this moment to happen, he doesn't know. he's grateful to them anyway. ]
Okay. [ it's all he can give. he has to try. he'll always try. and if he falls, it's with kaz. a risk he can take.
kaz complies with his request ā and not just complies, but eagerly so, wearing his pleasure openly in a way he couldn't have managed when all of this began. nikolai's brow tightens when kaz clenches around him, trailing sparks of heat with each drag of his hips. the column of his throat stretches before him like an invitation, and for one terrible moment he imagines teeth sinking into flesh and delicate bone, the hot rush of blood filling his mouth. briefly, he shuts his eyes. back to my voice. ]
Keep talking. [ he rises, arms around kaz as he pulls him up with him, seated in his lap and pressed deep inside of him. ] And don't come yet. [ a different ask from his usual race to push kaz over the edge again and again, this time wanting to prolong the moment, to make him feel every bit of this. he thrusts into him in a steady rhythm, gaze tilted up to watch his face hungrily, committing these sounds and sights to memory to fill the loneliness of what comes next.
find your way back. he pushes the thought from his mind, his mouth pressing carefully to kaz's jumping pulse. his world narrows to the rush of blood, the salt of his skin, the rapid pounding of his heart. or is it his own? kaz makes a sound and for a moment he's terrified his fangs have found a way into his throat, but it's a sound of pleasure from the snap of his hips, tremors gripping his body. no blood. sweat slides down his temple, darkening his hair. he can taste it on kaz's skin, different from the taste of blood. it's all different. it's warm here, and kaz has his arms around him, and when was the last time someone held him like this? he kisses kaz's throat again, the sharp line of his jaw, the bruise he left for him to remember, and he keeps one arm braced securely around him while his other strays to kaz's wet cock, fingers rough as he grips him tightly. ]
Do you want to come? [ he noses at kaz's jaw, watching every thrust shake him apart more and more, a soft whine in his throat at the mere sight. he's just barely holding on, his hips stuttering with the need to let go. he drags his thumb down kaz's weeping tip and exhales in a shudder when he tightens around him again. ] Ask.
[ kaz suspects the stakes of this relationship, whatever blurred categories it falls into, have risen higher than either of them anticipated. thereās the last glimmer of resistance, held in nikolaiās fearful eyes and tense frame ā kaz sees that because he knows himself and nikolai both, with their unquiet minds, always buzzing, often worrying. has been cataloging nikolai's tells since his gold-dusted stare illuminated the wound in his chest. they share a tendency to go away inside, stubbornness locking down what troubles them for as long as they can manage.
so, that nikolai will try to let go is enough. no word more hopeful than okay, tentative as it is, possibility secure inside it. the promise eases kazās posture even though nikolai swiftly asks for more from him. more words when heās spent all that he has; restraint, when heās never felt desire like this. nikolai is always striving for the best, the most. insatiable. kaz tries to disguise a whimper as a scoff when nikolai tells him not to come, eyes closing and re-opening as he digs his fingers into nikolaiās hip instead.
worth it, however, to have nikolai returned to him, kissing at his vulnerable points, arm gallantly winding at his waist, fucking into him with renewed focus. and looking at him like ā saints, like thereās enough of kaz left to answer the hunger etched into his face. in truth, all kaz can do is try to reflect a sliver of the light nikolai has shone on him. ]
There you are. [ a conscious effort to vocalise his thoughts, just as nikolai asked of him. kaz huffs it out as he shifts his weight, thighs splayed and trembling on nikolaiās lap. not unlike how he'd been positioned the first-to-second time, armoured and hesitant. different now, closer than heās ever been and still clinging tight enough to melt their skin together, with nikolai bucking deeper and deeper inside him. foreheads bumping, his lips graze nikolaiās cheek. on an impulse, he skates his hand up nikolaiās side, catching on every notch of his ribs, over the curve of his shoulder, up his throat to curl at his jaw. doesnāt have enough hands to touch everywhere he wants at once, but it helps commit the topography to memory. for as long as this night lasts, kaz can keep him. ]
My demanding Nikolai. [ gaze slitted and mouth quirked, indignation made altogether fond. keep talking. if itās the last time, the last chance to convey all the things kaz likes about him ā ] Greedy, brave, [ praise scattering across uneven breaths and sloppy kisses. ] clever, impossible, perfect.
[ nikolai takes him in hand, and he almost folds, caught between the urge to push up into his grip and down onto his cock. face hot, burning up with the need and the thought of nikolaiās pending request. must he ask for everything now? the flex of sweat-slick skin beneath him, beside him, all over him is an unending distraction. ]
I want to ā [ thrown off by a particularly sweet thrust, reveling in the noise nikolai makes. eyes wild and pupils blown by the sight of nikolai looking as shipwrecked as feels. good. every nerve alights, the sense of a wave cresting over him. his voice strains. ] Let me come, Nikolai. [ a hiccuping breath. it almost crashes into him then, how much he wants nikolai, how heās begging for it ā and so what if he is? no harm in giving up crushed sounds every time nikolai rings somewhere true. who can kaz hurt but himself by admitting how gone he is for nikolai lantsov? ] Please touch me. And donāt ā donāt stop moving until you finish. [ he squeezes his muscles with intent. ] Want to feel you.
[ he holds back through the sheer force of his iron will, stubbornly unwilling to let this moment end. it's not enough. he suspects even breaking kaz open and allowing all the dark, glittering parts of him to see the light still wouldn't be enough to match the longing he feels for him. he wants him in his arms always, wants to see his gloomy scowls, wants to feel his nimble fingers at work. still wants him in his bed, just for one night. all the things he can't have, shouldn't have, not when he's unraveling so rapidly, hands and teeth stained with blood. the pull between them is too taut now. the thought of letting go devastates him.
but he can't hold onto him like this, can't dig his claws in and keep him out of his own selfish need. he'll wake up one day and find kaz's broken body beneath him. already knows the taste of his blood and the give of his flesh and muscle beneath the rend of his black-tipped talons. he tries to put the thought out of his head, but it runs parallel to his desire, a sharp ache that colors the pleasure begging to spill over, amplified by the way kaz touches him and allows the truth to fall from his lips. demanding, greedy, brave. it's a shock to hear it from kaz, his faults mixed with the good, somehow making it all sound worthy of his affection. ]
You want to? [ a soft little mockery, a breathless laugh as he finds his mouth and kisses him as if he isn't afraid and doesn't feel tiny fractures growing in his heart ā not a new feeling, but it hurts worse every time. pressure builds, his hips growing erratic, a moan dragged from his lips. please touch me, so raw that it aches, his begging as jarring as it is arresting. how can he go without this, without kaz in his orbit? why does he have to give up everything? why does morning always have to come?
kaz's muscles clench, and it's too much, his hand roughly stripping his cock, reveling in the broken sounds kaz makes for him. he can feel kaz's orgasm grip his body, holding him taut, and with a flick of his wrist he sends him over the edge, watching in greedy fascination as kaz shudders in his arms, spilling wet between them. it's enough that he can't hold on any longer, the contraction of his muscles too tight, and nikolai gasps out a breath, burying his face in kaz's throat with a drawn-out groan as he comes inside of him. it's impossibly good, the pulsing heat of kaz's body, the way they both cling to each other as if they'll otherwise fall apart. he will. he needs this moment to last, needs to hold on for as long as he can, because there is nothing good coming after this.
on his side, he brings kaz back down to the bed, arm drawn tightly around his waist as he kisses him, still pushed deep inside of him as his cock softens, tremors moving through his body. his hand slides between kaz's legs when he does draw his hips away, fingers pushing shallowly inside of him to smear through the leaking wetness traveling down his thigh. ]
You could stay. [ soft, quiet nonsense. things bubbling out of him that have no real place to go. his jagged breath catches. ] You and me on the sea together. We don't ever have to go back. Just... together every night. Having adventures every day. The perfect sort of life. [ he swallows, lifting a hand to curl through kaz's hair, fingers gliding gently along the sweat at his temples. his thumb brushes the color at his cheek before he leans in, pressing his lips to the corner of his mouth. a whisper ā ] Just say yes. Just... say you want to as badly as I do.
[ kaz almost bristles at being teased, kissing back desperately, like he has something to prove. maybe he does, since nikolai appears to doubt his worth in the face of all their troubles. the moment rushes past, vision blurring as he comes hard. a cry wraps around nikolaiās name. canāt be long before nikolai fits his head under the curve of his jaw, like a key in a lock, and kaz keeps panting in his hair, sensations still rippling through him. full hot wet inside him, arms tight around his shoulders. he smudges a kiss at his temple as the trembling slows, relieved that nikolai holds on for as long as he does. better to hold onto this for as long as they can, with morning looming overhead.
it takes several blinks to come to himself: on his side in a royal bed with nikolai lantsov, hyper-aware of the way his ribs expand and contract with every breath. astounding, how theyāve found themselves just left of what they both want.
one soft sound after the other, then, when nikolai pulls away from him, only to ease the sudden emptiness with his fingers. heās slick from the inside in a way that burns his cheeks. always too much with nikolai. and never enough.
you could stay. his eyes crack, brow creasing at the implication. the recollection of the last time he gave in to nikolaiās impossible wants and was denied in daylight flashes before him. itās not a trap if you know about it, he tells himself. and kaz has known since novyi zem that these promises of romantic futures are snares laid in his path. itās unfair how much nikolai asks of him in these delicate moments, things kaz never would have thought of if nikolai hadnāt crafted and extended them in a shaky hand. he tips his head to catch nikolaiās mouth in a proper kiss, delaying his answer. as a rule, he prefers harsh truths to sweet lies, but for one night ā if the former is the only comfort he can offer ā kaz exhales audibly. ]
Perfect for you, getting bronzed. [ a wry thing. his bare hand smooths down nikolaiās spine, a rarity to touch him, anyone, so freely. ] Less perfect for me, getting sunburnt.
[ away from his shadowed place in this world. itās a boyās fantasy. a princeās daydream. still, he canāt think of nikolaiās loose expression as anything but sweet. charming, even. it startled him, at first ā and surprises him even now, how much nikolai wants him. every night. every day. all the time, if only in unreality. more than that, kaz remains shocked by how much he wants nikolai in turn. as fond of solitude and quiet as he is, nikolaiās presence has often improved his mood, despite those melancholic tendencies. the thought of spending time with him indefinitely, without ulterior motive, seems frightening but not destructive. a captivating prospect, out of reach though it is. his mouth quirks. ]
Whatever it is youāre asking, [ gently teasing, since he doubts even nikolai knows what he means, caught in the brambles of his mind, like always. ] I say yes. [ covering the hand at his cheek, thumb arcing over his knuckles. ] Because I want you very badly. [ any and every way kaz can have him. a quick kiss seals the deal. ] Enough to spend ā one third of my days at sea. [ he clicks his tongue, feigning thoughtfulness. ] Perhaps half, if you enhance the offer.
[ if heās indulging this fantasy, it ought to meet his own exacting standards. ]
[ he always wants to stay in this moment, warm and desperate and painful as it is, a fragile bubble, an impossible dream. this moment where kaz is bared and vulnerable in his arms, unused to the way his own desires flush his skin, sharing his rare, gentle smiles with him. this moment where kaz kisses him freely, touches him with abandon. when will this come again? nikolai curves closer to him, a sigh pulled from his chest as he smiles softly, carefully. he doesn't want to break this bubble, not yet. ]
You and the sun just haven't made friends yet. [ never mind that they likely will never make friends, but nikolai will always be fond of the way the sunlight looks against kaz's skin anyway. having kaz at sea with him has been an unexpected gift, one he never expected to be so devastated to lose. never expected many things about this ā kaz in his bed, kaz in his arms, kaz's mouth pressed against his own. can barely remember how this all began, with the startling knowledge of kaz's inability to touch others, and now he can't bear the idea of letting him go. ] I'm afraid I don't have any more kingdoms to offer to sweeten the deal, but you seem to enjoy my other talents.
[ he crooks his fingers inside of him to demonstrate, a slick, lazy motion as he chases his kiss indulgently. could do this all night since he doesn't plan to sleep, but as he's released from the grips of pleasure and floats back down to unrelenting reality, he's thinking now of their long days spent apart, of the state he left kaz in and all the unknowns since then. he traces the bandages at his shoulder and up his neck, at his thigh, the bruises imprinted into his pale skin beside old scars and corded muscle. kaz goes too far for him every time. one person can only manufacture so much luck. better then, that this is at an end ā a bitter truth he'll have to swallow down many times before he can make himself believe it. ]
What did you do to get the heart? [ how many times did he face death? how many people did he kill? a silly thing for nikolai to concern himself with when his hands are so stained with blood, but he worries all the same. what if he hadn't come back? he wants the crown to be done with sending kaz brekker on jobs like this, ravka's future be damned. he'll find another way. he always has. wet fingers pull out of him, tracing his thigh, ghosting along the softness of his cock. he leaves a damp trail along the silhouette of his torso, sketching the neat lines of his body. he's never put his mind to drawing a person before. ] You can rest now. I know you haven't taken the time to in days.
[ another fantasy, too twisted to be real, but it's what they have. he kisses him again softly, quieting any protest that kaz might think to give, tightening his arm around his waist. ] I don't know when I'll see you again. [ a quiet whisper, the unraveling of another truth he doesn't want to face. but worse than not knowing when he might see him again is the thought that kaz might shutter himself away once more, locking all of his wants into that quiet, untended place inside of him. his fingertips trace the line of his brows, skim down one sharp cheekbone. ] Regardless, you should still try and get some sun every once in a while. It suits you more than you think.
[ as ever, nikolai has a quick response for everything ā words and hands teasing. it feels good. not chasing an outcome, just lingering in the feeling.
after nikolai kisses the instinctive rebuff from his mouth, kazās brow furrows for a moment and then smooths out. a visible calculation of the angle required to approach this conversation, maths based on where nikolai touches him along the edges of his bandages, and nikolaiās consistent tendency to tumble down a steeper drop after the highs of togetherness or another win fade. perhaps he doesnāt think he deserves untainted moments like that, or maybe he just canāt stop his thoughts from barreling onward. he has sympathy for the affliction, at any rate.
folding an arm under his head, kaz settles in for a conversation that requires more alertness and judiciousness than he likely has in his reserves. no doubt he should get the rest nikolai urges him to, but it seems a waste of precious, dwindling time. why sleep when he doesnāt know when heāll see nikolai next? let alone if it will ever be like this again. their closeness seems so fragile, supported by a constellation of factors like to tip out of alignment. unequivocally, kaz believes nikolai can face the monster inside him. what he isnāt sure of is, well, whether nikolai will want him beyond the liminal space theyāve carved out of this job, a delicate creation supported by a shared loneliness. an untenable circumstance. ]
[ slowly, ] Nothing I havenāt done before. [ he rolls up his shoulders, a slight shrug. ] Nothing I wonāt do again. [ fight, bleed, stumble, and survive by the skin of his teeth. it feels important to clarify that, when nikolai is prone to centering his role in suffering and schemes far too big for one man. with or without nikolai, kaz brekker will balance his life on the crux of risks, undertaking jobs that promise danger as much as fortune. his unquiet mind canāt leave a puzzle untouched or a heist unsolved. as he speaks, his voice remains neutral. ] I could be persuaded to share the details of my week, if your memory of the same period improves.
[ all that time nikolai spent alone in the snow. he closes his eyes as nikolaiās fingertips map his features, nose scrunching at the ticklish sensation. funny that the sun should recommend itself unknowingly. it makes him wonder if thatās true ā if their travels or nikolaiās company do suit him, in some way. even misfortunes have been better with nikolai. thrilling, to have someone keep up ā to challenge him in turn, as frustrating as that can be, too. overall, itās a terribly dangerous and profoundly unhelpful thing to consider, when kaz lacks the means to keep him. i donāt know when iāll see you again. itās hard enough to stay awake with him now, surrounded by warmth on all sides.
he lifts his hand to catch nikolaiās arm and squeeze, assuring in one of the only ways he knows how to offer. another kiss, sleepier than the last. ]
Iāll see what I can do about the sun. [ a mild smile to himself. ] He can be difficult to tie down, but he knows where to find me. [ eyes flashing and shuttering, the implication obvious. if kaz can lay claim to any virtue, his best bet would be patience. heās an old hand at waiting, after all. for respect, revenge, opportunity. ]
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nikolai is frightfully close, besides, a comforting weight over him, alongside him. youāre warm echoes strangely in his skull, the pitch slightly off, but he canāt dwell on it, thoughts shattering as nikolai thrusts hard, grazing somewhere deep and sensitive that wrings a gasp from his lungs. no kiss can obscure the shock of nikolai pulling from him, however. immediately, kaz recognises the look of a man caught between two places, fearful of one and clinging to another. where did you go? slides to the tip of his tongue but the answer crashes into his teeth: somewhere within the monsterās grasp, vision flecked with red and dotted with bodies.
for a moment, he lets nikolai refocus, uninterrupted by questions or concerns. his own worries could be mistaken for mere affection, flowing from his sure hands, finally able to reach nikolai after being bereft for agonising minutes. they cradle his face, thumb arcing over his cheek; tuck the blond strands behind his ears; smooth over his shoulder, down his torso to squeeze his hip, then his cock. kisses featherlight at the corner of his perfect mouth, the tense line of his jaw. all actions that say iām here, iām here, with you because i want to be. although his legs fall open and his hands drop aside to let nikolai retake the lead, kaz first hitches higher on his elbows to catch nikolaiās gaze, bright against his constellation of freckles. itās obvious how much he cares, nerves creasing his brow, earnest hope lighting those eyes he adores ā kazās chest pangs over ever having doubted him. ]
[ his voice scrapes his throat, heavy with want. ] Itās already good for me. Itās you. [ like itās simple, like nikolai himself is enough. kaz tips back without instruction, a renewed rush of vulnerability loosing a ragged exhale. suddenly, heās too aware of how exposed he is, how frayed each nerve feels, angled for nikolai to see and touch things no one else has ever dared. his gaze swings to the unfamiliar ceiling before he nods back to nikolai. half of him begs to seize control, while the other just aches to have nikolai between his thighs, the absurd, overwhelming desire for him flushing his skin anew. (youāre so warm, distant but still intelligible, because nikolai is the cold one, for once.) he lifts his hips when nikolai slides a pillow beneath them, grasping his bicep to steady them both. cock hard and waiting even without nikolaiās attention.
never wanted anything, anyone like this. a desire to disassemble and reassemble every part of nikolai, a miracle of bones and sinew in a quavering frame, whirring with life. didnāt even think himself capable of this wanting, let alone having so intimately. an unprecedented closeness. itās staggering. awe parts his mouth. with a stuttered inhale, the head of nikolaiās cock pushes past the initial ring of resistance. his fingers indent nikolaiās arm as his other hand fists in the bedspread. itās easier from there, in a way. fuller, in other. this time, he has nikolai filling his vision (just like he wanted but hadnāt asked for), answering the impossible ache inside him, a tender sort of focus on his face. ]
I know. [ bothered and glad for it, all his hard angles softened. how many times must he say it? i know because itās you. even when the current drags him elsewhere, he finds his way back. nikolai will do the same for him tonight ā and after that. a minor drift is cut short by nikolai entwining their fingers and winding his arms down. kaz blinks until he recalibrates, grounding himself in the strength of those lightning-struck hands, electricity crackling from their clasp, thrumming through his veins and zipping down his spine.
an incremental stretch to the limit still reaches the limit in question. cold radiates outward from his pelvis, warmth fighting to cover the same ground. ] Iām with you. [ a breathless assurance. ] Itās good. Just ā wait. [ in the span of heartbeats, he catches nikolaiās mouth with a tip of his head, soothing the nerves rubbed raw. ] Okay. Okay. Keep going. [ spine arching to urge him on and puzzle out the distinct mechanics of how they fit together, flush against each other. a wounded animal noise slips past his defences, fingers tightening their hold. ] Only ever wanted you like this ā Nikolai, please. [ too keyed up to make the conscious decision to hold back words of that kind any longer. itās far more important ā vital even, that nikolai know how much heās needed. ]
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Good. [ he noses along kaz's cheek, lashes fluttering along his skin. ] You're doing good. You feel ā feel so good. [ and it's more than just the sensation coursing through his body. it's the way kaz looks at him now, like he's seeing too much of him and still not turning away, like nikolai is still something to be handled tenderly, to be treated with such care after the things he's done. kaz keeps giving him more than he deserves, keeps toeing the line between life and death just for him. what if he hadn't come back? it makes him hold him tighter, makes it even worse to know he has to let him go.
gently, he moves his hips, testing out a careful rhythm. one hand loosens its hold to grip kaz's wounded thigh, drawing his leg around his waist. a ragged breath escapes him, his eyes closing ā bright blood, pale snow, images flickering behind his lids. he buries his face in the soft space beneath kaz's ear, another breath pulled haggardly into his lungs. don't ruin this. he lifts his gaze, tipping their mouths together, finding the blue of kaz's eyes to anchor him here. ]
I've thought about you like this for so long. [ prefacing a kiss, his tongue sliding past his lips, a desperate attempt to get the taste of blood out of his mouth. the pleasure and terror warring in his mind feels like it might tear him in two, hips pushing more roughly into kaz now, careful to watch for signs that he can't take any more. ] It's better ā better than I imagined.
[ and so much worse, because in his fantasies he never balanced so precariously on such a thin line between desire and death. stay, he thinks to himself, and still he feels his mind veering, dropping his face to hide in kaz's throat again, a softly strangled moan pushing out of him. he shudders with each snap of his hips, trying to focus his hopelessly scattered mind ā pieces of himself strewn across bloodstained snow, pieces of himself held in kaz's nimble hands, pieces of himself lost in places he can't reach. ]
Keep me here. [ a ragged whisper, out before he can snatch the words back. a request he never meant to say aloud, a burden he never wanted to drop so squarely onto kaz's wounded shoulders. an impossible task, one kaz has already confessed to not knowing how to tackle that terrible night in novyi zem. guilt floods him. he uncurls their other hand so he can trace gentle fingers along kaz's sharp cheekbones. ] Will you ā touch yourself? Let me see your face while you do.
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Hah ā [ the pain-pleasure of nikolai gripping his thigh, like pressing a bruise. ] So do you. [ as quick to learn in this as kaz is in all things, locking a leg at nikolaiās waist when guided back. his free hand swiftly plunges into nikolaiās hair, tangling firm to drag him into every kiss. and trap him at the hollow of kazās throat, too, the only security he can offer against those shuddering breaths.
for so long, he says, and that seems impossible. well, improbable, but then so is the way nikolai curves over him, setting a galvanising pace that has kaz rocking up against him, legato pants only broken on the rebound. strangely gratifying, to imagine nikolai thinking of him like this when kaz had still been trying not to look for too long, skin prickling every time he was caught. in an instant, the reverse occurs ā nikolai definitively exposed, rib cage opened up so kaz can see and seize his heart. his pulse pangs at the sight, a throbbing that reaches the still-molten core of him.
scenarios shuffle in his mind, the next play selected with expedient precision. no time to overthink. ]
[ gently, ] I canāt. [ keep him, even though kaz said he would and meant it. the mistake he made in novyi zen was the first domino that clattered down, knocking block after block until they stained the fjerdan snowscapes crimson. his fault, as much as nikolaiās. all his miscalculations added to their inevitable sum. even so, any guilt kaz experiences is on behalf of but one person, though others paid with their lives. he squeezes the nape of nikolaiās neck, blunt nails scratching the skin. ] Let go, and then find your way back.
[ nikolai should know this refrain after all the times kaz has been pulled under in his arms ā after begging him to still, when they actually fell into the sea. if you fight the riptide, youāre more likely to drown, after all. you have to let the current carry you out before you can swim back to shore. or, as inej might say, the trick is in knowing how to fall. always time for unsolicited advice from the philosopher crook, even if that means pausing or stopping this affair entirely. thereās no point in being here and having this without nikolai able to enjoy it.
black-tipped fingers flutter in his periphery. kaz tilts his head just so, brushing his lips over nikolaiās palm in acknowledgement of his request and shakiness both. if nikolai finds himself floating, kaz can be the counterweight for a change. he must. ]
Back to my voice. [ he slips his other hand between them, skimming over the flat of his stomach before gripping his cock and letting a ragged sound spill from his lips where heād normally hush it. can feel himself tighten around nikolai, new but good. his nimble fingers gather wetness from the tip and stroke down his length. itās immediately clear that he wonāt last like this, with nikolai sliding in and out while his own confidence mounts, meeting each thrust. a ratcheting intensity. his features loosen, grin sudden and boyish as head falls back, throat bared. ] My face. [ that nikolai seems partial to, obviously. a visual and tactile learner, he thinks wryly, hooking a protective arm across his shoulders. desperate as he is, kaz wonāt push onward unless nikolaiās shaky pieces reassemble in his hold. some things are too precious to risk. ]
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I can't. [ let go. a quiet whisper, a match to his words. letting go comes with too much risk. what will he see, what will he do? you used to be overfond of risk. what's so different now? throwing his own life to chance has always been a terrifying exhilaration, a high stakes gamble he'd be handsomely rewarded for. he loved the thrill, despised that he couldn't live without it, dreaded that he'd have to come back to court and leave his sensational, patchwork life behind to rescue his beloved country that his parents drove into the ground. he'd still done it. and yet this seems impossible, here, now, to give up the smallest bit of control even when it feels like holding on will kill him.
is he the drowning man now? kaz pulls his focus back, gripping his neck, and nikolai tries to find the sky in his eyes again, steady, clear. fjerda's skies are too pale, ketterdam's skies too dreary. kaz's eyes are like a ravkan sky in the deep evening, still aglow with the light of the sun, the pinks and oranges already washed away, a view he's admired many nights from the palace terraces. let go, and then find your way back. but the sky is so vast and he doesn't want to admit to the fear at home in his veins. does he know? he has to. kaz always seems to know, when it comes to him.
his lips flutter over his palm, nikolai's fingers twitching in surprise. the scars don't bother him the way they used to, but he doesn't think he'll ever be comfortable when he looks at the stains marking his fingers, the shadows trailing down to his wrists. doesn't think he'll ever be thrilled to remove his gloves in public when the situation requires it of him. doesn't think he's ever felt lips on his marred hands until kaz decided his belonged there. it hits him at once that he's fucking kaz brekker in a fjerdan palace, and kaz isn't drowning, isn't turning away, but instead leading him away from cold, bloodstained snow and back into the circle of his arms. what stars had to align for this moment to happen, he doesn't know. he's grateful to them anyway. ]
Okay. [ it's all he can give. he has to try. he'll always try. and if he falls, it's with kaz. a risk he can take.
kaz complies with his request ā and not just complies, but eagerly so, wearing his pleasure openly in a way he couldn't have managed when all of this began. nikolai's brow tightens when kaz clenches around him, trailing sparks of heat with each drag of his hips. the column of his throat stretches before him like an invitation, and for one terrible moment he imagines teeth sinking into flesh and delicate bone, the hot rush of blood filling his mouth. briefly, he shuts his eyes. back to my voice. ]
Keep talking. [ he rises, arms around kaz as he pulls him up with him, seated in his lap and pressed deep inside of him. ] And don't come yet. [ a different ask from his usual race to push kaz over the edge again and again, this time wanting to prolong the moment, to make him feel every bit of this. he thrusts into him in a steady rhythm, gaze tilted up to watch his face hungrily, committing these sounds and sights to memory to fill the loneliness of what comes next.
find your way back. he pushes the thought from his mind, his mouth pressing carefully to kaz's jumping pulse. his world narrows to the rush of blood, the salt of his skin, the rapid pounding of his heart. or is it his own? kaz makes a sound and for a moment he's terrified his fangs have found a way into his throat, but it's a sound of pleasure from the snap of his hips, tremors gripping his body. no blood. sweat slides down his temple, darkening his hair. he can taste it on kaz's skin, different from the taste of blood. it's all different. it's warm here, and kaz has his arms around him, and when was the last time someone held him like this? he kisses kaz's throat again, the sharp line of his jaw, the bruise he left for him to remember, and he keeps one arm braced securely around him while his other strays to kaz's wet cock, fingers rough as he grips him tightly. ]
Do you want to come? [ he noses at kaz's jaw, watching every thrust shake him apart more and more, a soft whine in his throat at the mere sight. he's just barely holding on, his hips stuttering with the need to let go. he drags his thumb down kaz's weeping tip and exhales in a shudder when he tightens around him again. ] Ask.
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so, that nikolai will try to let go is enough. no word more hopeful than okay, tentative as it is, possibility secure inside it. the promise eases kazās posture even though nikolai swiftly asks for more from him. more words when heās spent all that he has; restraint, when heās never felt desire like this. nikolai is always striving for the best, the most. insatiable. kaz tries to disguise a whimper as a scoff when nikolai tells him not to come, eyes closing and re-opening as he digs his fingers into nikolaiās hip instead.
worth it, however, to have nikolai returned to him, kissing at his vulnerable points, arm gallantly winding at his waist, fucking into him with renewed focus. and looking at him like ā saints, like thereās enough of kaz left to answer the hunger etched into his face. in truth, all kaz can do is try to reflect a sliver of the light nikolai has shone on him. ]
There you are. [ a conscious effort to vocalise his thoughts, just as nikolai asked of him. kaz huffs it out as he shifts his weight, thighs splayed and trembling on nikolaiās lap. not unlike how he'd been positioned the first-to-second time, armoured and hesitant. different now, closer than heās ever been and still clinging tight enough to melt their skin together, with nikolai bucking deeper and deeper inside him. foreheads bumping, his lips graze nikolaiās cheek. on an impulse, he skates his hand up nikolaiās side, catching on every notch of his ribs, over the curve of his shoulder, up his throat to curl at his jaw. doesnāt have enough hands to touch everywhere he wants at once, but it helps commit the topography to memory. for as long as this night lasts, kaz can keep him. ]
My demanding Nikolai. [ gaze slitted and mouth quirked, indignation made altogether fond. keep talking. if itās the last time, the last chance to convey all the things kaz likes about him ā ] Greedy, brave, [ praise scattering across uneven breaths and sloppy kisses. ] clever, impossible, perfect.
[ nikolai takes him in hand, and he almost folds, caught between the urge to push up into his grip and down onto his cock. face hot, burning up with the need and the thought of nikolaiās pending request. must he ask for everything now? the flex of sweat-slick skin beneath him, beside him, all over him is an unending distraction. ]
I want to ā [ thrown off by a particularly sweet thrust, reveling in the noise nikolai makes. eyes wild and pupils blown by the sight of nikolai looking as shipwrecked as feels. good. every nerve alights, the sense of a wave cresting over him. his voice strains. ] Let me come, Nikolai. [ a hiccuping breath. it almost crashes into him then, how much he wants nikolai, how heās begging for it ā and so what if he is? no harm in giving up crushed sounds every time nikolai rings somewhere true. who can kaz hurt but himself by admitting how gone he is for nikolai lantsov? ] Please touch me. And donāt ā donāt stop moving until you finish. [ he squeezes his muscles with intent. ] Want to feel you.
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but he can't hold onto him like this, can't dig his claws in and keep him out of his own selfish need. he'll wake up one day and find kaz's broken body beneath him. already knows the taste of his blood and the give of his flesh and muscle beneath the rend of his black-tipped talons. he tries to put the thought out of his head, but it runs parallel to his desire, a sharp ache that colors the pleasure begging to spill over, amplified by the way kaz touches him and allows the truth to fall from his lips. demanding, greedy, brave. it's a shock to hear it from kaz, his faults mixed with the good, somehow making it all sound worthy of his affection. ]
You want to? [ a soft little mockery, a breathless laugh as he finds his mouth and kisses him as if he isn't afraid and doesn't feel tiny fractures growing in his heart ā not a new feeling, but it hurts worse every time. pressure builds, his hips growing erratic, a moan dragged from his lips. please touch me, so raw that it aches, his begging as jarring as it is arresting. how can he go without this, without kaz in his orbit? why does he have to give up everything? why does morning always have to come?
kaz's muscles clench, and it's too much, his hand roughly stripping his cock, reveling in the broken sounds kaz makes for him. he can feel kaz's orgasm grip his body, holding him taut, and with a flick of his wrist he sends him over the edge, watching in greedy fascination as kaz shudders in his arms, spilling wet between them. it's enough that he can't hold on any longer, the contraction of his muscles too tight, and nikolai gasps out a breath, burying his face in kaz's throat with a drawn-out groan as he comes inside of him. it's impossibly good, the pulsing heat of kaz's body, the way they both cling to each other as if they'll otherwise fall apart. he will. he needs this moment to last, needs to hold on for as long as he can, because there is nothing good coming after this.
on his side, he brings kaz back down to the bed, arm drawn tightly around his waist as he kisses him, still pushed deep inside of him as his cock softens, tremors moving through his body. his hand slides between kaz's legs when he does draw his hips away, fingers pushing shallowly inside of him to smear through the leaking wetness traveling down his thigh. ]
You could stay. [ soft, quiet nonsense. things bubbling out of him that have no real place to go. his jagged breath catches. ] You and me on the sea together. We don't ever have to go back. Just... together every night. Having adventures every day. The perfect sort of life. [ he swallows, lifting a hand to curl through kaz's hair, fingers gliding gently along the sweat at his temples. his thumb brushes the color at his cheek before he leans in, pressing his lips to the corner of his mouth. a whisper ā ] Just say yes. Just... say you want to as badly as I do.
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it takes several blinks to come to himself: on his side in a royal bed with nikolai lantsov, hyper-aware of the way his ribs expand and contract with every breath. astounding, how theyāve found themselves just left of what they both want.
one soft sound after the other, then, when nikolai pulls away from him, only to ease the sudden emptiness with his fingers. heās slick from the inside in a way that burns his cheeks. always too much with nikolai. and never enough.
you could stay. his eyes crack, brow creasing at the implication. the recollection of the last time he gave in to nikolaiās impossible wants and was denied in daylight flashes before him. itās not a trap if you know about it, he tells himself. and kaz has known since novyi zem that these promises of romantic futures are snares laid in his path. itās unfair how much nikolai asks of him in these delicate moments, things kaz never would have thought of if nikolai hadnāt crafted and extended them in a shaky hand. he tips his head to catch nikolaiās mouth in a proper kiss, delaying his answer. as a rule, he prefers harsh truths to sweet lies, but for one night ā if the former is the only comfort he can offer ā kaz exhales audibly. ]
Perfect for you, getting bronzed. [ a wry thing. his bare hand smooths down nikolaiās spine, a rarity to touch him, anyone, so freely. ] Less perfect for me, getting sunburnt.
[ away from his shadowed place in this world. itās a boyās fantasy. a princeās daydream. still, he canāt think of nikolaiās loose expression as anything but sweet. charming, even. it startled him, at first ā and surprises him even now, how much nikolai wants him. every night. every day. all the time, if only in unreality. more than that, kaz remains shocked by how much he wants nikolai in turn. as fond of solitude and quiet as he is, nikolaiās presence has often improved his mood, despite those melancholic tendencies. the thought of spending time with him indefinitely, without ulterior motive, seems frightening but not destructive. a captivating prospect, out of reach though it is. his mouth quirks. ]
Whatever it is youāre asking, [ gently teasing, since he doubts even nikolai knows what he means, caught in the brambles of his mind, like always. ] I say yes. [ covering the hand at his cheek, thumb arcing over his knuckles. ] Because I want you very badly. [ any and every way kaz can have him. a quick kiss seals the deal. ] Enough to spend ā one third of my days at sea. [ he clicks his tongue, feigning thoughtfulness. ] Perhaps half, if you enhance the offer.
[ if heās indulging this fantasy, it ought to meet his own exacting standards. ]
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You and the sun just haven't made friends yet. [ never mind that they likely will never make friends, but nikolai will always be fond of the way the sunlight looks against kaz's skin anyway. having kaz at sea with him has been an unexpected gift, one he never expected to be so devastated to lose. never expected many things about this ā kaz in his bed, kaz in his arms, kaz's mouth pressed against his own. can barely remember how this all began, with the startling knowledge of kaz's inability to touch others, and now he can't bear the idea of letting him go. ] I'm afraid I don't have any more kingdoms to offer to sweeten the deal, but you seem to enjoy my other talents.
[ he crooks his fingers inside of him to demonstrate, a slick, lazy motion as he chases his kiss indulgently. could do this all night since he doesn't plan to sleep, but as he's released from the grips of pleasure and floats back down to unrelenting reality, he's thinking now of their long days spent apart, of the state he left kaz in and all the unknowns since then. he traces the bandages at his shoulder and up his neck, at his thigh, the bruises imprinted into his pale skin beside old scars and corded muscle. kaz goes too far for him every time. one person can only manufacture so much luck. better then, that this is at an end ā a bitter truth he'll have to swallow down many times before he can make himself believe it. ]
What did you do to get the heart? [ how many times did he face death? how many people did he kill? a silly thing for nikolai to concern himself with when his hands are so stained with blood, but he worries all the same. what if he hadn't come back? he wants the crown to be done with sending kaz brekker on jobs like this, ravka's future be damned. he'll find another way. he always has. wet fingers pull out of him, tracing his thigh, ghosting along the softness of his cock. he leaves a damp trail along the silhouette of his torso, sketching the neat lines of his body. he's never put his mind to drawing a person before. ] You can rest now. I know you haven't taken the time to in days.
[ another fantasy, too twisted to be real, but it's what they have. he kisses him again softly, quieting any protest that kaz might think to give, tightening his arm around his waist. ] I don't know when I'll see you again. [ a quiet whisper, the unraveling of another truth he doesn't want to face. but worse than not knowing when he might see him again is the thought that kaz might shutter himself away once more, locking all of his wants into that quiet, untended place inside of him. his fingertips trace the line of his brows, skim down one sharp cheekbone. ] Regardless, you should still try and get some sun every once in a while. It suits you more than you think.
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after nikolai kisses the instinctive rebuff from his mouth, kazās brow furrows for a moment and then smooths out. a visible calculation of the angle required to approach this conversation, maths based on where nikolai touches him along the edges of his bandages, and nikolaiās consistent tendency to tumble down a steeper drop after the highs of togetherness or another win fade. perhaps he doesnāt think he deserves untainted moments like that, or maybe he just canāt stop his thoughts from barreling onward. he has sympathy for the affliction, at any rate.
folding an arm under his head, kaz settles in for a conversation that requires more alertness and judiciousness than he likely has in his reserves. no doubt he should get the rest nikolai urges him to, but it seems a waste of precious, dwindling time. why sleep when he doesnāt know when heāll see nikolai next? let alone if it will ever be like this again. their closeness seems so fragile, supported by a constellation of factors like to tip out of alignment. unequivocally, kaz believes nikolai can face the monster inside him. what he isnāt sure of is, well, whether nikolai will want him beyond the liminal space theyāve carved out of this job, a delicate creation supported by a shared loneliness. an untenable circumstance. ]
[ slowly, ] Nothing I havenāt done before. [ he rolls up his shoulders, a slight shrug. ] Nothing I wonāt do again. [ fight, bleed, stumble, and survive by the skin of his teeth. it feels important to clarify that, when nikolai is prone to centering his role in suffering and schemes far too big for one man. with or without nikolai, kaz brekker will balance his life on the crux of risks, undertaking jobs that promise danger as much as fortune. his unquiet mind canāt leave a puzzle untouched or a heist unsolved. as he speaks, his voice remains neutral. ] I could be persuaded to share the details of my week, if your memory of the same period improves.
[ all that time nikolai spent alone in the snow. he closes his eyes as nikolaiās fingertips map his features, nose scrunching at the ticklish sensation. funny that the sun should recommend itself unknowingly. it makes him wonder if thatās true ā if their travels or nikolaiās company do suit him, in some way. even misfortunes have been better with nikolai. thrilling, to have someone keep up ā to challenge him in turn, as frustrating as that can be, too. overall, itās a terribly dangerous and profoundly unhelpful thing to consider, when kaz lacks the means to keep him. i donāt know when iāll see you again. itās hard enough to stay awake with him now, surrounded by warmth on all sides.
he lifts his hand to catch nikolaiās arm and squeeze, assuring in one of the only ways he knows how to offer. another kiss, sleepier than the last. ]
Iāll see what I can do about the sun. [ a mild smile to himself. ] He can be difficult to tie down, but he knows where to find me. [ eyes flashing and shuttering, the implication obvious. if kaz can lay claim to any virtue, his best bet would be patience. heās an old hand at waiting, after all. for respect, revenge, opportunity. ]