[ Your floor.Your. Nothing in this palace feels as though it should belong to her, nothing she can lay claim to — least of all him. It's another question to add to an endless list: whether she will always feel like an outsider in its walls, a guest in over her head, or if it could ever truly embody the spirit of home. (Would she even know home, if she were to find it, after the years without a place to belong? The thought digs into her like a burr, embedding deeper the more she fights to remove it.)
She says nothing of it to him. Maybe that's her own lie, kept close to the chest. Her own dose of pretending, if only to spare him the pain of her uncertainty. ]
It was only a matter of time before the power went to our heads.
[ Even the most well-meaning truths have a sliver of truth hidden within. There is no smile sparkling in her eyes when they turn to him, watching as the shadows cast themselves over his cheekbones, the firelight reflected like gold in his eyes. ]
You're a pirate. [ Pirate, she says, only to deliberately provoke a protest and slice through the tension hanging between them. She can already hear it: privateer, with feigned offense. ] Pirates are known liars and scoundrels.
[ A pensive pause drags between them, before she quietly adds, an olive branch in its own right: ]
Tell me something true, then. Something you haven't told anyone else.
Privateer. [ he's glad to take the bait, because the question posed is just as daunting as the situations they wrestle with during his policy meetings. perhaps even more. wanting this to work is entirely different from actually making it work.
something you haven't told anyone else. there are quite a lot of somethings, secrets and fears and hurts that he doesn't let anyone else see. those things don't fit into all of the grand plans he has, so he keeps them hidden away and carries them alone. weakness is a guise. wear it when they need to know you're human, but never when you feel it.
unfortunately there are times when they overlap, and this is one such instant. it's clear that alina needs this from him — he doesn't owe her, but he wants to give it to her anyway. and yet there's something inside of him that feels like it's caving in, something that hasn't been properly fortified to keep alina starkov out. he feels weakness, and it's the thing that makes it difficult to voice.
after a deep drink, he sets the bottle down by her knee, then meets her eyes, his glib manner replaced with something more quietly sharp. ] I've been in love once before. The kind that felt real to me.
[ he looks away then, gaze moving to the fire as he exhales hollowly. ]
He died. We served in the infantry together but had been friends since childhood. I was with him, actually, when it happened. In battle, it doesn't matter if you're a prince or a king. Weapons see no difference. [ he looks back at alina, gently holding out a hand for her to take — for his own comfort, maybe, for his weakness. for how shaken he feels despite the faint smile he offers her. ] He believed in me. He believed in a better Ravka. Failing him in this is simply not an option.
[ Death never discriminates. She thinks of every broken body in the little palace, every spark of light erased from a too-young face, of every life she had failed to protect, of every night she has been left alone with the thoughts of those shortcomings. It's too much for one heart to bear without hardening, sometimes — to be so haunted by ghosts that had believed she could save them. To know the cost of winning had been a mother's child, someone's sibling, someone's lover.
Her hand doesn't hesitate to tangle around his fingers. Where Nikolai is gentle, Alina's grasp is a firm anchor, the only apology she can offer him. The only apology that would mean anything, when I'm sorry rings so terribly, terribly hollow. In it, she hides her own secret need for comfort, in light of the realization that — one day, if they see this through to the very end — they will trade places.
One day, she will be the one left with a handful of memories of him. One day, she will have to live up to his own vision of Ravka, to his belief that she might be the one to usher it into a better era at his side.
One day, she will outlive him. One day, she will outlive them all. ]
You make it easy to believe in you.
[ Her fingers are still sticky from cake and spilled brandy, but they slide across the skin of his cheek, illuminated by silver slips of moonlight filtering in. ]
Sometimes, you meet people who make you want to believe that impossible things can be possible. People who make you feel like you could be brave, so long as they're with you.
[ She squashes the temptation to lean in. It would be selfish, driven by her need to comfort him; instead, she brushes her thumb beneath his weary eye, and lets the warm weight of her palm slide soothingly along his skin. ]
With or without me, you're not going to fail him or Ravka.
[ it's a strange feeling to now have this quiet and intensely personal truth in the air between them — that nikolai lantsov had fallen in love once. that his heart has been broken. it isn't something he'll ever forget, but it was also something he never intended to share. he cried back then but he doesn't now, steadily lifting his eyes and drawing his thumb over her knuckles while she caresses his cheek. ]
Am I easy to believe in or is everyone else just much crazier than I am? [ it's a joke with the tiniest string of uncertainty attached, like everything he's done will come unraveled if anyone decides to pull. if only he could design a grand invention that manufactured courage, because he finds his reservoir despairingly low some days, even if he makes a point to never show it.
his mind lingers on her words, and maybe this whole conversation has made him insecure — perish the thought — but he saves her from giving into her own temptation by leaning in closer himself, close enough to smell whatever sweet scent was slipped into her bath. some sort of flower. then he looks down at their hands, weighing his next words even while he forces the tension out of his jaw. ]
Does Mal do that for you? Make you feel brave? [ there's no ire, no jealousy in his tone. just simple curiosity. it makes little sense to pretend that mal doesn't exist in her world when he's been the one with her all these years. he flashes a crooked smile. ] I already know I have that effect on people, which is why I didn't ask about myself.
[ The insecurity doesn't escape her notice, through no fault of his own. Even keener ears would miss the sting of uncertainty, but Alina is too practiced in her own, too used to poisoning herself with a dose of doubt. And so she doesn't submit to her urge to smile, only granting him a soft tilt of her mouth when she insists, ]
I think we're all just the right amount of crazy.
[ A ruler's followers are a reflection on them, she wants to reassure; he has Zoya's drive at his side, David's ingenuity, Genya's compassion — but what does that say of her and the Apparat's obsessive, stifling faith as he had propped her onto a pedestal? Nikolai's closeness is a distraction to that thought, bringing the warm notes of alcohol on his breath with it, the imagined sting of salt in the air; she leans into it too readily, propping her chin on their joined hands. ]
Everyone feels brave when they have people worth losing.
[ It's not truly an answer. In fact, it's an answer he has taught her to give, skirting around the heart of what troubles her. She is keenly aware of it, her jaw working as she searches for the words that struggle to come. As absent as his jealousy is now, one wrong word feels as though it could shatter the peace of an otherwise quiet moment.
What a pair they make, with a piece of his heart residing in a dead man's grip while a piece of her own rests in Mal's grasp. ]
He makes me feel real. Like I'm still just Alina, even if I know it's not true anymore. No one survives what we have without becoming something else.
[ Maybe clinging to him is her method of pretending: pretending that nothing has changed, pretending that they're still the same people. It doesn't change what is constantly, undeniably true: even after all these years, having Mal at her side makes her feel as if everything in the world will be alright, so long as they're together. ]
Sorry. [ When it comes, her smile is tight, but no less sincere. ] You can't actually want to hear any of this.
[ she's getting all too good at avoiding answers, he notices, and it brings another smile to his lips, this one rimmed with genuine mirth. what a pair, indeed. even when she talks about mal he doesn't find himself getting agitated, instead pricked with the barest hint of remorse. mal can't stay in the palace if the stars align and alina somehow does choose to become his queen, for the rumors would be too much. no one else in the court seems to worry as much as nikolai worries about his illegitimate birthright, but he's keenly aware that a calculated attack on his claim to the throne could undo everything.
part of marriage is securing an honest, legitimate heir. ravka won't survive petty squabbles on who should sit in a fancy chair. even knowing this, reassigning mal elsewhere won't bring him any of the joy he once thought it might. ]
Even if you are the Sun Summoner, and even if you do become a queen, you'll still remember who you are. I was born a royal — in theory — but I chose to live away from the palace as much as I could. Those are the times I recall the most, and I'd like to think it shaped me into a better man.
[ he leans back on his free hand, their shoulders comfortably pressed together, and he gives her a lazy look as he tilts his head. ]
This just Alina person... I think I'd quite like to know her. Is she very different from the Alina that punched me once? Does she make good tea?
[ Swallowing the doubts that want to spill out of her is like swallowing glass shards, slicing her insides on the journey down. Will I? Nikolai is as blind to the darkness slithering through her, an infection time hasn't purged, as the others — because she has left them that way, obscured their eyes with shadows, for fear they will turn away the instant she loses her shine.
The instant she's eclipsed by something else entirely, that plague inside of her that has gone too far. That side of her that will inevitably go too far again. The scarred wound across her shoulder blade throbs as if in agreement, now that she can think of nothing else but the shadows cast along the walls.
It's too much to add to their growing pile of shared secrets, when they've only just broached the topic of lost loves. ]
It shaped you into a pirate.
[ If there was any question of whether she was going to let him have the last word in that particular volley. The curve of her smile grows against her will, a glint that's too telling; for all that she's mastered the art of pretenses, there are too many tics that threaten to give her away. Glimmering eyes are, certainly, one of them — shining with mirth that reveals how deliberately annoying she's trying to be.
Maybe it has something to do with the shadows that have lifted from his expression; maybe it's the sudden lightness in her own, as though he's removed a veil, simply by proclaiming he wants to know her when it would be so easy to dress her up as a queen to meet his expectations. Nothing less, nothing more. ]
If you touched anything I made, you would die. Not even a stray would drink or eat anything that's been in my hands. Then again — [ The tilt of her head subconsciously mimics his, considering. ] I think you're starting to enjoy the thought of me causing bodily harm, if you're asking questions like that.
[ the heaviness from moments before seems to have passed, something nikolai is grateful for, because he's far too weary to continue looking deeper inside of himself. he'd rather just look at alina, her eyes sparkling like bits of stardust while she tries and fails to keep a smile at bay. she's pretty all the time, but especially so in this moment, a temporary reprieve from the darkness they're running from. she isn't dressed like a saint, with golden pins in her hair and genya's handiwork brushed across her cheeks, but nikolai finds her perhaps even more radiant this way.
a quick laugh escapes him. ] Well, I suppose queens don't need to know things like that, but I'll certainly keep it in mind for the next time I want someone to innocuously die of poisoning at the dinner table.
[ he reaches for the bottle again, taking a drink while the effects finally settle in his bones, pleasantly warm, loosening knots of tension. his chest rises as he draws in a long breath, gently pushing the bottle at alina and closing his eyes. ]
Take it. Or you really might not be rid of me tonight. [ straightening, he sets one elbow on his knee and plops his cheek into the palm of his hand, gazing at her even in their close proximity. ] I'd be quite all right with a bit of bodily harm. Does that count as foreplay? Is that the sort of foreplay you enjoy?
[ It wouldn't be so terrible, she tells herself, to never be rid of him. It's a dangerous thought to entertain, but no more perilous than the inevitable silence that consumes her chambers at night. Each day, she eagerly imagines returning to it, and each night she regrets the emptiness that greets her. Freed from her duties until the morning sun rises, but never free from the thoughts that follow her, waiting until she's alone to strike.
But it shouldn't be the allure of losing themselves in a bottle that convinces him to stay as her good luck charm, emptying her thoughts of doubts and deaths and devastation. So much of it lives on in her memories alongside the ghosts of all they've lost, but this — this is a moment she would prefer to remember without a haze of alcohol clouding its edges. The bottle scrapes along stone as she pushes it aside, a temptation hidden from view, and shakes her head with a quiet, hoarse laugh. ]
Your love for danger might be your downfall one day.
[ In another life, in another time, she would fumble and fluster and flush. Here and now, she lets herself be swept away by his own courage, the boldness she sometimes envies and covets in equal measure — even if there is a rush of blood to her face, still, that she can't shake. Even if her teeth worry at her lip, wondering how much of this is Nikolai's teasing versus sincere curiosity.
But she had claimed he made others brave, and it's time to make good on that claim — and to surprise him by refusing to submit to embarrassment, if nothing else, no matter how inexperienced she may be. ]
I think I could enjoy it, with the right person. [ It's impossible not to feel self-conscious, pinned as she is by his attentive eyes, but she slowly brings herself to meet his gaze. ] I don't know. I'd have to try it to find out, wouldn't I? Not all of us are enlightened and worldly privateers.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
She says nothing of it to him. Maybe that's her own lie, kept close to the chest. Her own dose of pretending, if only to spare him the pain of her uncertainty. ]
It was only a matter of time before the power went to our heads.
[ Even the most well-meaning truths have a sliver of truth hidden within. There is no smile sparkling in her eyes when they turn to him, watching as the shadows cast themselves over his cheekbones, the firelight reflected like gold in his eyes. ]
You're a pirate. [ Pirate, she says, only to deliberately provoke a protest and slice through the tension hanging between them. She can already hear it: privateer, with feigned offense. ] Pirates are known liars and scoundrels.
[ A pensive pause drags between them, before she quietly adds, an olive branch in its own right: ]
Tell me something true, then. Something you haven't told anyone else.
no subject
something you haven't told anyone else. there are quite a lot of somethings, secrets and fears and hurts that he doesn't let anyone else see. those things don't fit into all of the grand plans he has, so he keeps them hidden away and carries them alone. weakness is a guise. wear it when they need to know you're human, but never when you feel it.
unfortunately there are times when they overlap, and this is one such instant. it's clear that alina needs this from him — he doesn't owe her, but he wants to give it to her anyway. and yet there's something inside of him that feels like it's caving in, something that hasn't been properly fortified to keep alina starkov out. he feels weakness, and it's the thing that makes it difficult to voice.
after a deep drink, he sets the bottle down by her knee, then meets her eyes, his glib manner replaced with something more quietly sharp. ] I've been in love once before. The kind that felt real to me.
[ he looks away then, gaze moving to the fire as he exhales hollowly. ]
He died. We served in the infantry together but had been friends since childhood. I was with him, actually, when it happened. In battle, it doesn't matter if you're a prince or a king. Weapons see no difference. [ he looks back at alina, gently holding out a hand for her to take — for his own comfort, maybe, for his weakness. for how shaken he feels despite the faint smile he offers her. ] He believed in me. He believed in a better Ravka. Failing him in this is simply not an option.
no subject
Her hand doesn't hesitate to tangle around his fingers. Where Nikolai is gentle, Alina's grasp is a firm anchor, the only apology she can offer him. The only apology that would mean anything, when I'm sorry rings so terribly, terribly hollow. In it, she hides her own secret need for comfort, in light of the realization that — one day, if they see this through to the very end — they will trade places.
One day, she will be the one left with a handful of memories of him. One day, she will have to live up to his own vision of Ravka, to his belief that she might be the one to usher it into a better era at his side.
One day, she will outlive him. One day, she will outlive them all. ]
You make it easy to believe in you.
[ Her fingers are still sticky from cake and spilled brandy, but they slide across the skin of his cheek, illuminated by silver slips of moonlight filtering in. ]
Sometimes, you meet people who make you want to believe that impossible things can be possible. People who make you feel like you could be brave, so long as they're with you.
[ She squashes the temptation to lean in. It would be selfish, driven by her need to comfort him; instead, she brushes her thumb beneath his weary eye, and lets the warm weight of her palm slide soothingly along his skin. ]
With or without me, you're not going to fail him or Ravka.
no subject
Am I easy to believe in or is everyone else just much crazier than I am? [ it's a joke with the tiniest string of uncertainty attached, like everything he's done will come unraveled if anyone decides to pull. if only he could design a grand invention that manufactured courage, because he finds his reservoir despairingly low some days, even if he makes a point to never show it.
his mind lingers on her words, and maybe this whole conversation has made him insecure — perish the thought — but he saves her from giving into her own temptation by leaning in closer himself, close enough to smell whatever sweet scent was slipped into her bath. some sort of flower. then he looks down at their hands, weighing his next words even while he forces the tension out of his jaw. ]
Does Mal do that for you? Make you feel brave? [ there's no ire, no jealousy in his tone. just simple curiosity. it makes little sense to pretend that mal doesn't exist in her world when he's been the one with her all these years. he flashes a crooked smile. ] I already know I have that effect on people, which is why I didn't ask about myself.
no subject
I think we're all just the right amount of crazy.
[ A ruler's followers are a reflection on them, she wants to reassure; he has Zoya's drive at his side, David's ingenuity, Genya's compassion — but what does that say of her and the Apparat's obsessive, stifling faith as he had propped her onto a pedestal? Nikolai's closeness is a distraction to that thought, bringing the warm notes of alcohol on his breath with it, the imagined sting of salt in the air; she leans into it too readily, propping her chin on their joined hands. ]
Everyone feels brave when they have people worth losing.
[ It's not truly an answer. In fact, it's an answer he has taught her to give, skirting around the heart of what troubles her. She is keenly aware of it, her jaw working as she searches for the words that struggle to come. As absent as his jealousy is now, one wrong word feels as though it could shatter the peace of an otherwise quiet moment.
What a pair they make, with a piece of his heart residing in a dead man's grip while a piece of her own rests in Mal's grasp. ]
He makes me feel real. Like I'm still just Alina, even if I know it's not true anymore. No one survives what we have without becoming something else.
[ Maybe clinging to him is her method of pretending: pretending that nothing has changed, pretending that they're still the same people. It doesn't change what is constantly, undeniably true: even after all these years, having Mal at her side makes her feel as if everything in the world will be alright, so long as they're together. ]
Sorry. [ When it comes, her smile is tight, but no less sincere. ] You can't actually want to hear any of this.
no subject
[ she's getting all too good at avoiding answers, he notices, and it brings another smile to his lips, this one rimmed with genuine mirth. what a pair, indeed. even when she talks about mal he doesn't find himself getting agitated, instead pricked with the barest hint of remorse. mal can't stay in the palace if the stars align and alina somehow does choose to become his queen, for the rumors would be too much. no one else in the court seems to worry as much as nikolai worries about his illegitimate birthright, but he's keenly aware that a calculated attack on his claim to the throne could undo everything.
part of marriage is securing an honest, legitimate heir. ravka won't survive petty squabbles on who should sit in a fancy chair. even knowing this, reassigning mal elsewhere won't bring him any of the joy he once thought it might. ]
Even if you are the Sun Summoner, and even if you do become a queen, you'll still remember who you are. I was born a royal — in theory — but I chose to live away from the palace as much as I could. Those are the times I recall the most, and I'd like to think it shaped me into a better man.
[ he leans back on his free hand, their shoulders comfortably pressed together, and he gives her a lazy look as he tilts his head. ]
This just Alina person... I think I'd quite like to know her. Is she very different from the Alina that punched me once? Does she make good tea?
no subject
The instant she's eclipsed by something else entirely, that plague inside of her that has gone too far. That side of her that will inevitably go too far again. The scarred wound across her shoulder blade throbs as if in agreement, now that she can think of nothing else but the shadows cast along the walls.
It's too much to add to their growing pile of shared secrets, when they've only just broached the topic of lost loves. ]
It shaped you into a pirate.
[ If there was any question of whether she was going to let him have the last word in that particular volley. The curve of her smile grows against her will, a glint that's too telling; for all that she's mastered the art of pretenses, there are too many tics that threaten to give her away. Glimmering eyes are, certainly, one of them — shining with mirth that reveals how deliberately annoying she's trying to be.
Maybe it has something to do with the shadows that have lifted from his expression; maybe it's the sudden lightness in her own, as though he's removed a veil, simply by proclaiming he wants to know her when it would be so easy to dress her up as a queen to meet his expectations. Nothing less, nothing more. ]
If you touched anything I made, you would die. Not even a stray would drink or eat anything that's been in my hands. Then again — [ The tilt of her head subconsciously mimics his, considering. ] I think you're starting to enjoy the thought of me causing bodily harm, if you're asking questions like that.
no subject
[ the heaviness from moments before seems to have passed, something nikolai is grateful for, because he's far too weary to continue looking deeper inside of himself. he'd rather just look at alina, her eyes sparkling like bits of stardust while she tries and fails to keep a smile at bay. she's pretty all the time, but especially so in this moment, a temporary reprieve from the darkness they're running from. she isn't dressed like a saint, with golden pins in her hair and genya's handiwork brushed across her cheeks, but nikolai finds her perhaps even more radiant this way.
a quick laugh escapes him. ] Well, I suppose queens don't need to know things like that, but I'll certainly keep it in mind for the next time I want someone to innocuously die of poisoning at the dinner table.
[ he reaches for the bottle again, taking a drink while the effects finally settle in his bones, pleasantly warm, loosening knots of tension. his chest rises as he draws in a long breath, gently pushing the bottle at alina and closing his eyes. ]
Take it. Or you really might not be rid of me tonight. [ straightening, he sets one elbow on his knee and plops his cheek into the palm of his hand, gazing at her even in their close proximity. ] I'd be quite all right with a bit of bodily harm. Does that count as foreplay? Is that the sort of foreplay you enjoy?
no subject
But it shouldn't be the allure of losing themselves in a bottle that convinces him to stay as her good luck charm, emptying her thoughts of doubts and deaths and devastation. So much of it lives on in her memories alongside the ghosts of all they've lost, but this — this is a moment she would prefer to remember without a haze of alcohol clouding its edges. The bottle scrapes along stone as she pushes it aside, a temptation hidden from view, and shakes her head with a quiet, hoarse laugh. ]
Your love for danger might be your downfall one day.
[ In another life, in another time, she would fumble and fluster and flush. Here and now, she lets herself be swept away by his own courage, the boldness she sometimes envies and covets in equal measure — even if there is a rush of blood to her face, still, that she can't shake. Even if her teeth worry at her lip, wondering how much of this is Nikolai's teasing versus sincere curiosity.
But she had claimed he made others brave, and it's time to make good on that claim — and to surprise him by refusing to submit to embarrassment, if nothing else, no matter how inexperienced she may be. ]
I think I could enjoy it, with the right person. [ It's impossible not to feel self-conscious, pinned as she is by his attentive eyes, but she slowly brings herself to meet his gaze. ] I don't know. I'd have to try it to find out, wouldn't I? Not all of us are enlightened and worldly privateers.