i'll say it again: that wasn't your choice to make. you care about zoya and had no problem throwing her into this, so let's not pretend this has anything to do with you caring about me. it's about you deciding what was more important to you, and your obsession won out over both zoya and i. he's going to figure it out, you know, and it won't take long. if something happens to her, that's on you. i don't care if it's "her choice". you still asked her to do this knowing she would do whatever it takes for you.
of course she is. you'll have to forgive me if i don't believe that, either. you've acted like we were doomed from the start.
is that how i seem to you? unfeeling, uncaring of what happens to the people closest to me if only my goals can be realized? i'm not my father, alina. but aleksander can't be dealt with without hard choices. i do care about you, and i won't stop saying it just because you no longer believe it's the truth.
i don't want to tell you that story now. it's unrelated and this is poor timing for your pity. i did believe we were doomed from the start. it's true. i didn't want to try. but the more i got to know you, the more i knew i couldn't let you slip by just because i was afraid. what's between us has never been a lie. never. are you so ready to let this go?
i don't know how you seem to me. the nikolai i thought i knew wouldn't have deliberately kept something this big from me, so i guess i don't really know you after all. those hard choices you're talking about are the same ones that he would make. if you want to act like him, fine. but don't expect me to stand by and watch it happen.
yeah, because i'm so special. you've done a really great job of proving that. i'm not, and i never said i was. don't put words in my mouth. but i'm not ready to forgive you, either.
be angry at me. i deserve it. but it doesn't change the fact that i still don't want you involved in this.
you are special. poorly demonstrated by me, but it doesn't make it any less true. i want to be happy again one day. with you. if you want space, i understand. just tell me what it is you need from me. i want to make this right.
i was involved in this before you ever knew me. i’m not going to stop zoya, if that’s what you’re worried about. you would both deserve it if i did, but i won’t. only because i don’t want her getting hurt.
it wasn’t so long ago that you weren’t sure that you could be happy. punching you might make me feel better for a minute or two. i don’t know what i need from you, nikolai. or if you can even provide it. it’s not that simple. this isn’t an equation you can magically solve. you’ve been “somewhat absent” anyway, remember?
i was as well, alina. you know better than anyone else why i can't let this go. it's the same reason you can't, either.
[ a lengthy pause stretches between his messages as he reads and rereads her words. this isn’t an equation you can magically solve. she sounds like dominik, when the thing between them had fragmented beyond repair and yet nikolai still was unwilling to let him go. sudden doubt plagues him. maybe he should let this go before it can ever get to that dark point — or are they already there, quicker than he could have imagined, but no less inevitable? he isn't a believer in karma, but — hypothetically — he certainly has his share due.
finally, after enough time has passed that she likely thinks he's dropped this conversation entirely — ]
you sound like someone that i loved once. if i was prone to entertaining things i can't see, i'd say it almost sounds like an omen. it's a bad habit. for me to ignore everything else when i get caught up in my schemes. chasing preoccupation, as someone used to call it. i'm sorry. i'll be more mindful of it next time. i can still send a car around if you want to hit me.
[ he doesn't aim it at any target, but it sticks its landing just the same, a precision-sharp pang that stirs in her chest. because it's unbearably true, no matter the ugliness of it, the desire to turn away from that part of herself; walking away from aleksander's tyranny without lifting a finger to end it was never an option.
she's content to leave the conversation there, a festering silence, but the vibrations of her phone disturb the quiet numbness of her studio. ]
i think you just want to see me even if it means i'm hitting you. if you're going to use bad omens as a justification to leave me, you should just get it over with. you've been finding excuses to push me away from the start.
you're not wrong. i do want to see you. i'm not going to use hangups from a previous relationship as justification to leave you. that wouldn't be fair to either of us. i know i have. i'm not proud of it. i can explain why, if you want. but know that i don't want pity to cloud what you're feeling right now. as i said before, this is completely unrelated and quite poor timing. but i fear i've let you believe that i'm pushing you away because of who you are and not because of the things that i've done.
even if i want to strangle you right now? make less dangerous choices, nikolai. okay. we'll see how sincere you are about that. i think i've made what i want clear since the day we met. whether i want you to tell me or not doesn't matter if you keep withholding things you'd rather keep secret. what do you want?
now where would the fun in that be? i want you to know all of me. sometimes i feel like the only reason anyone bothers with me at all is because i show them only what i want them to see. things that i know they'll find appealing. and everything is wonderful at the start, until they begin to see the other parts of me. i've been playing roles my entire life, alina, and i don't want to do that with you. not anymore.
my blood pressure would be lower. that's the fun part. you don't have to worry about that with me. i'm notoriously hard to charm, and i'm already at maximum capacity of being furious with you. is that what you've been doing with me? playing a part?
i hear massages do wonders for reducing stress, and i happen to have two hands that are quite good at them. wait. have i not charmed you even once? of sorts. more like exaggerating my positive features and downplaying the less savory ones. but that's not fair to you, because the less savory ones are as much a part of me as all the rest. as my recent absence has demonstrated, they might even be more consuming than the others.
you're just trying to tempt your way into my good graces. no. never. i'm immune. i've noticed the less savory ones already. do you want me to name them? i can start at leaving me drunk and hypothermic so you could run off and plan ill-advised revenge, if you want. or you can tell me your own version.
i suppose that's meant to say it's not working. this doesn't happen often, but i'm honestly at a loss for words at this startling revelation. i'll have to ruminate and pick the topic up later. in my defense, i was a bit drunk, too. i had no idea you were hypothermic. in your defense, i let my mind get entirely away from me and couldn't focus on anything but plotting my revenge scheme. that brings us to one of my bad habits. sometimes i lack focus. other times i hyperfixate on something and can't pull myself out of it. it goes beyond obsession and more into territory that should be medicated. it could be for minutes or hours or days or weeks. i was fixating when i was with you. it's why i didn't notice you were ill. to be perfectly honest, i barely remember being with you that night. but that's the only time it's happened to that degree since we met. i don't want you to think that i haven't been present for this relationship. i have. i'm truly sorry i wasn't there for you. honestly, i'm horrified that something that bad could've happened and i didn't even realize it.
it's meant to say flirting with me when i'm trying to fight with you is unfair. well, at least you're painfully honest. if i'm being painfully honest, i don't know what to say to that. i always knew your mind moves at a mile per minute but not like this. it's not that big of a deal. being ill is nothing really new to me. i'm fine now, anyway. i'm more insulted that you abandoned me to obsess over aleksander than i am offended at having been sick.
well, you know what's said about love and war. it's all right. you don't have to know what to say. i'm dropping complete abnormalities on you, after all. it caused quite a lot of problems while i was growing up, at least until the issue was finally pinpointed and i was prescribed a healthy dose of varying stimulants. i'll be the first to admit i'm bad at managing it even now. sometimes i pop adderall like candy, and other times i don't take it at all because i feel it dulls my edge. there are techniques i'm supposed to use, but i find them tedious and intrusive. but i'm well aware that's no excuse to leave myself unchecked. alina, leaving you when you're ill is actually what one would call a big deal, and i don't want you to give me a pass on it just because there's something else you're more offended by. that's not how i'd like this relationship to go. when you're sick, i want to be there for you. if i fall ill, i would hope you'd like to be there for me, too. aleksander has been an obsession of mine for quite some time, as you know. well, you probably didn't know the extent of it. it was a thorn in my previous relationship as well. you would think i'd have learned something from that, but i am quite stubborn when it comes to getting my way.
it's a good thing we established i'm immune to being charmed. completely unaffected. invincible. i have the willpower of an elephant. you're not an abnormality, nikolai. everyone is a little dysfunctional. have you considered — this is an ingenious idea, don't thank me — doing what you're told to do? i know you like to think you're the smartest person in a room, but professionals know more than you do. frying your brain can't be healthy. even in the name of whatever weird endeavor you start on next. well, i don't see the point in making a big deal out of it. i don't need anyone to take care of me. mal already took over that role, anyway. it can't be that surprising to you that the people you're with don't want to be second place to your schemes or encourage your self-destructive plans. because that's what this is. you can paint it in a prettier light, but it doesn't change what it is.
Edited (why do random gs want to insert themselves in words) 2021-02-08 02:46 (UTC)
an assertion i still find highly disturbing. i, at least, should be the exception. i've considered it in the past, and while i have a long list of highly valid reasons why i haven't, i will consider it once again. especially because of this. i know that it's gotten out of hand. independence is an admirable character trait that i, too, subscribe to, but sometimes it's nice to have someone else you can rely on to be there. i want to be that person for you. preferably without the slip-ups that make mal have to fill in for me. honestly, alina, you sound just like him. it's almost scary. his name was dominik. this is one of those very few and far between moments when i really wish you kept up with the tabloids so you'd already know this story.
[ he sends her an article then, several pages of elaborate text and paparazzi photographs detailing his romance with dominik. they'd met at a horse race the summer before nikolai began college — dominik was tending to one of the horses and nikolai was only there to appease his mother. after that they were frequently spotted around town and at lavish events, their privacy practically nonexistent. the pictures are charming despite being ill-gotten, the two of them wearing smiles, sharing a meal, going on horseback rides, sailing on nikolai's boat.
it seemed like the perfect romance, the article boasts, until suddenly life took a sharp turn for the two lovers. the public photographs became fewer and further between, and nikolai started showing up to family engagements alone. the few photos the paparazzi did manage to get were strained, the two of them tense and unhappy. there was much speculation — infidelity, financial disagreements, family disapproval — though nothing was able to be confirmed. then, a year and a half after they'd met, dominik died in a car accident driving to see nikolai during winter break. the photos of the funeral have since been redacted, but once they were released, it had been impossible to be rid of them completely. they're raw and intrusive, and nikolai doesn't want to look at them even now, but he wants alina to know all of it. ]
the missing parts are that dominik was incredibly unhappy being in the public eye. he wanted to be with me and not the rest of the world. he said he had no idea what he was signing up for when he fell in love with me. that i should have told him what it would be like. and he was right. i should have. but i was selfish and in love and didn't want him to have second thoughts. we were so happy until we weren't. my family made his life hell every time i brought him home. he said he couldn't do normal things anymore without people following him for photographs. he wanted to leave but said he was too in love with me to go. i should have been the one to let him go. but i didn't want to. it was the first time i'd ever loved someone like that, and i didn't want it to end even when we became desperately unhappy together. we went abroad for a bit to try and patch things up. then aleksander happened, and that's when this obsession started. things got even worse for us. i would spend weeks at a time trying to catch aleksander at his own game. i lost so much time i could've spent with dominik.
he died a few days before christmas. before we could break up. before we could try again. before i could tell him he was more important than revenge and that i would stop all of it if it would make him happy. looking back, i know there was nothing that could have saved us. love was never our problem. our lives were diametrically opposed and everything about mine was suffocating him.
he's the reason i'm hesitant. i ruined his life. i know you're going to say i didn't, but i did. i could have set him free, i could've done the right thing despite how much it would hurt, but i chose not to. i chose to be selfish because i loved him far too much to let him go. my worst fear is that i'm going to come into your life and leave it in ruins. that i'll make you unhappy just by knowing me. that if the day comes that we no longer fit together, that i won't be able to do the right thing and let you go. i can't bear the thought of doing what i did to him to anyone else.
Edited (i'm gomen for this giant wall of text ) 2021-02-08 04:31 (UTC)
i thought about reading the tabloids when you started avoiding my questions, but it felt wrong.
[ he's shared them with her, but even sifting through them — voyeuristic glimpses of blossoming love, contrasted with the heaviness in nikolai's eyes as the photos continue, the tension in dominik's shoulders — feels like a violation. an invasion, stealing secrets that were never hers to witness, learning the nuances of a man who isn't here to tell her his story. dread settles like lead in her stomach, but she forces herself to continue until the end, until the spectacle the media had tried to make of dominik's funeral, and lets herself sit in silence with that knowledge. ]
i'm sorry, nik. i am.
[ if it's this difficult for her to stomach a stranger's death — much as he feels alive in this moment, a breathing entity in the room — she can't imagine the wounds nikolai carries. there are no words she can offer that would ever be enough, nothing that feels even close to adequate. ]
i didn't know him, but i'd like to think he wouldn't want you undermining the choice he made to spend the time he had with you. unhappy or not, that means something.
[ she pauses, fingertips hovering. there's still so much that needs to be addressed in what he's said, but: ]
i have something to ask. you're not going to like it. are you only interested in me because i remind you of him? i don't want you to forget him. i wouldn't ask that from anyone. but he's gone, and i'm never going to be him. i wouldn't insult his memory by trying to take his place, either. there's only ever going to be one dominik.
[ he’s long since abandoned his prior reading, now stretched out on the couch in his study, his phone resting on his chest and one arm slung over his eyes while he waits for her to finish reading. maybe he shouldn’t have sent it. maybe it’s too much. maybe he should have waited until she wanted to see him in person. a flurry of thoughts bounce around in his skull until he finally feels a vibration just above his heart.
just those few words send a small trickle of relief through him. he wasn’t sure what he was expecting, considering how rightfully angry alina is with him, but he finds he desperately needs that kindness in this moment. ]
thank you. truly.
[ after a beat — ]
to be honest, i only really noticed your similarities once you became furious with me. so no, i’m not interested in you only because you remind me of him. but i’d be lying if i didn’t admit that some of the feelings are the same. the way it feels when i see you. the butterflies. when i kiss you i feel like i’m so close to touching happiness again. i’m not replacing him. i know he’s gone. i know you’re not him, nor would i ever ask you to be. but he’s the one that taught me what love felt like. and sometimes when i look at you i feel that again. i’m falling for you, alina. hard. and i can’t make myself stop.
if he was anything like me when i'm furious, then i really would have liked him.
[ only after it's too late to retrieve it does she wonder if that sentiment comes too close to grazing nikolai's raw, gaping wounds — but it's nothing more than the truth. nothing more than the sympathetic twinge in her chest, and the regret of a possibility that life has stolen. ]
thank you for telling me. but you're arrogant if you believe you can ruin my life more than aleksander already did. the only reason my name and face is out of those tabloids is because he's pulled strings and paid people off. honestly, i think he just likes the control it gives him. or he's afraid it would give me more power over him than i have. he wanted an equal on his terms, which isn't an equal at all.
i'm telling you this for a reason. he hid everything from me the entire time we were together until it was too late. his ambitions. the part he wanted me to play in them. he turned mal and i against each other. he let me believe he wanted a life with me, but you can't build a future with someone when it's founded on lies. sometimes i still try to figure out which part of it was ever real. sometimes i wonder if it even matters. what matters is that i was trapped and alone, and i drove myself crazy wondering if i was living in a fantasy the entire time. if he was using me all along. if i was a pawn in whatever mind games he liked to play.
you don't want to trap me, and i don't want to feel trapped. i know you're not him, but you can't lie to me. i can't do that to myself again. i can't have you keeping secrets this big from me, even if you know it's going to make me furious. because you're not falling alone. because i know no matter how long i'll get to love you, it'll be worth whatever comes with it. or whatever comes after it if it doesn't work.
i want to believe it will, but you can't do this again. that's how you make it right.
he would have liked you as well. i'm sure of it. i would've loved if you two could have met.
[ the old, familiar ache is back, but he turns his mind to the present instead of toward the past, wanting desperately to fix this thing between them before he loses this, too. ]
i'll tell you everything, alina. no more secrets. even when i know you're not going to like what i'm going to say. i never want to make you feel like i've trapped you into this. and i never want you to think that what we have isn't real.
a part of me didn't want to tell you because i was afraid you'd believe i was only using you to get to aleksander. i know what i did. with zoya. i know it's wrong to go about it this way and i should call the whole thing off, but i can't. i won't lie to you and say that i will. i just want you to know what you're getting into, so you can make those decisions for yourself.
can you even imagine? two people to call you on your bullshit. you would be doomed.
not telling me made me believe you were using me to get to aleksander. people who are proud of their actions usually don't have anything to hide. but if you say you aren't, i'll try to believe it. i can't lie to you and say my trust is easily earned. or re-earned.
can we go back to the part about zoya and ignore that?
i imagine it would be a more preferable death than most.
i'll remind you whenever you need to hear it. and even when you don't. i don't expect a pass. however long it takes is however long it takes. i'm not planning on going anywhere, in either case.
perhaps not ignore but temporarily file away for later discussion. i suspect i've thoroughly exhausted you by now, and i don't think my bed has seen me in a week. i don't suppose you want to see it, too?
[ the issue with tossing her phone away in mortification is the aftermath: wiping away the dirt that's collected on its screen, and pretending her heart isn't lodged uncomfortably in her throat. maybe it's a cosmic joke that she's tricked herself into being too painfully honest, with the most awkward timing she could possibly find, on top of the rest of the chaos they're untangling. ]
you should know that my being furious with you doesn't change how i feel about you. it probably isn't going to be the first or last time, but it doesn't lessen anything between us. and it isn't an omen that i'm going to end up hating you, either. if you need a reminder of that, just read this text again until you understand it.
i just wish you would have realized what position you're putting me in when your plan eventually fails. knowing aleksander, it will. if i were you, i'd be planning for that instead.
i'm embarrassed enough without having to table it for later discussion or repeat it again. you don't have to say anything or tell me it's too soon. i already know that. if you like me at all and want to spare me an early death via humiliation, you'll just forget i said anything. will you hold it against me if i say i'm almost impressed by that pickup line? it was very smooth. credit where credit is due, lantsov
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no subject
you care about zoya and had no problem throwing her into this, so let's not pretend this has anything to do with you caring about me.
it's about you deciding what was more important to you, and your obsession won out over both zoya and i.
he's going to figure it out, you know, and it won't take long.
if something happens to her, that's on you.
i don't care if it's "her choice". you still asked her to do this knowing she would do whatever it takes for you.
of course she is.
you'll have to forgive me if i don't believe that, either. you've acted like we were doomed from the start.
no subject
unfeeling, uncaring of what happens to the people closest to me if only my goals can be realized?
i'm not my father, alina. but aleksander can't be dealt with without hard choices.
i do care about you, and i won't stop saying it just because you no longer believe it's the truth.
i don't want to tell you that story now.
it's unrelated and this is poor timing for your pity.
i did believe we were doomed from the start. it's true. i didn't want to try.
but the more i got to know you, the more i knew i couldn't let you slip by just because i was afraid.
what's between us has never been a lie. never.
are you so ready to let this go?
no subject
the nikolai i thought i knew wouldn't have deliberately kept something this big from me, so i guess i don't really know you after all.
those hard choices you're talking about are the same ones that he would make.
if you want to act like him, fine. but don't expect me to stand by and watch it happen.
yeah, because i'm so special.
you've done a really great job of proving that.
i'm not, and i never said i was. don't put words in my mouth.
but i'm not ready to forgive you, either.
no subject
but it doesn't change the fact that i still don't want you involved in this.
you are special.
poorly demonstrated by me, but it doesn't make it any less true.
i want to be happy again one day. with you.
if you want space, i understand.
just tell me what it is you need from me.
i want to make this right.
no subject
i’m not going to stop zoya, if that’s what you’re worried about.
you would both deserve it if i did, but i won’t.
only because i don’t want her getting hurt.
it wasn’t so long ago that you weren’t sure that you could be happy.
punching you might make me feel better for a minute or two.
i don’t know what i need from you, nikolai.
or if you can even provide it. it’s not that simple. this isn’t an equation you can magically solve.
you’ve been “somewhat absent” anyway, remember?
no subject
you know better than anyone else why i can't let this go.
it's the same reason you can't, either.
[ a lengthy pause stretches between his messages as he reads and rereads her words. this isn’t an equation you can magically solve. she sounds like dominik, when the thing between them had fragmented beyond repair and yet nikolai still was unwilling to let him go. sudden doubt plagues him. maybe he should let this go before it can ever get to that dark point — or are they already there, quicker than he could have imagined, but no less inevitable? he isn't a believer in karma, but — hypothetically — he certainly has his share due.
finally, after enough time has passed that she likely thinks he's dropped this conversation entirely — ]
you sound like someone that i loved once.
if i was prone to entertaining things i can't see, i'd say it almost sounds like an omen.
it's a bad habit. for me to ignore everything else when i get caught up in my schemes. chasing preoccupation, as someone used to call it.
i'm sorry. i'll be more mindful of it next time.
i can still send a car around if you want to hit me.
no subject
she's content to leave the conversation there, a festering silence, but the vibrations of her phone disturb the quiet numbness of her studio. ]
i think you just want to see me even if it means i'm hitting you.
if you're going to use bad omens as a justification to leave me, you should just get it over with.
you've been finding excuses to push me away from the start.
no subject
i'm not going to use hangups from a previous relationship as justification to leave you. that wouldn't be fair to either of us.
i know i have. i'm not proud of it.
i can explain why, if you want. but know that i don't want pity to cloud what you're feeling right now. as i said before, this is completely unrelated and quite poor timing.
but i fear i've let you believe that i'm pushing you away because of who you are and not because of the things that i've done.
no subject
make less dangerous choices, nikolai.
okay. we'll see how sincere you are about that.
i think i've made what i want clear since the day we met.
whether i want you to tell me or not doesn't matter if you keep withholding things you'd rather keep secret.
what do you want?
no subject
i want you to know all of me.
sometimes i feel like the only reason anyone bothers with me at all is because i show them only what i want them to see. things that i know they'll find appealing. and everything is wonderful at the start, until they begin to see the other parts of me.
i've been playing roles my entire life, alina, and i don't want to do that with you. not anymore.
no subject
you don't have to worry about that with me. i'm notoriously hard to charm, and i'm already at maximum capacity of being furious with you.
is that what you've been doing with me? playing a part?
no subject
wait. have i not charmed you even once?
of sorts. more like exaggerating my positive features and downplaying the less savory ones.
but that's not fair to you, because the less savory ones are as much a part of me as all the rest. as my recent absence has demonstrated, they might even be more consuming than the others.
no subject
no. never. i'm immune.
i've noticed the less savory ones already. do you want me to name them?
i can start at leaving me drunk and hypothermic so you could run off and plan ill-advised revenge, if you want.
or you can tell me your own version.
no subject
this doesn't happen often, but i'm honestly at a loss for words at this startling revelation. i'll have to ruminate and pick the topic up later.
in my defense, i was a bit drunk, too. i had no idea you were hypothermic.
in your defense, i let my mind get entirely away from me and couldn't focus on anything but plotting my revenge scheme. that brings us to one of my bad habits. sometimes i lack focus. other times i hyperfixate on something and can't pull myself out of it. it goes beyond obsession and more into territory that should be medicated. it could be for minutes or hours or days or weeks.
i was fixating when i was with you. it's why i didn't notice you were ill. to be perfectly honest, i barely remember being with you that night. but that's the only time it's happened to that degree since we met.
i don't want you to think that i haven't been present for this relationship. i have.
i'm truly sorry i wasn't there for you. honestly, i'm horrified that something that bad could've happened and i didn't even realize it.
no subject
well, at least you're painfully honest. if i'm being painfully honest, i don't know what to say to that.
i always knew your mind moves at a mile per minute but not like this.
it's not that big of a deal. being ill is nothing really new to me. i'm fine now, anyway.
i'm more insulted that you abandoned me to obsess over aleksander than i am offended at having been sick.
no subject
it's all right. you don't have to know what to say. i'm dropping complete abnormalities on you, after all.
it caused quite a lot of problems while i was growing up, at least until the issue was finally pinpointed and i was prescribed a healthy dose of varying stimulants.
i'll be the first to admit i'm bad at managing it even now. sometimes i pop adderall like candy, and other times i don't take it at all because i feel it dulls my edge. there are techniques i'm supposed to use, but i find them tedious and intrusive. but i'm well aware that's no excuse to leave myself unchecked.
alina, leaving you when you're ill is actually what one would call a big deal, and i don't want you to give me a pass on it just because there's something else you're more offended by. that's not how i'd like this relationship to go. when you're sick, i want to be there for you. if i fall ill, i would hope you'd like to be there for me, too.
aleksander has been an obsession of mine for quite some time, as you know.
well, you probably didn't know the extent of it. it was a thorn in my previous relationship as well. you would think i'd have learned something from that, but i am quite stubborn when it comes to getting my way.
no subject
you're not an abnormality, nikolai. everyone is a little dysfunctional.
have you considered — this is an ingenious idea, don't thank me — doing what you're told to do?
i know you like to think you're the smartest person in a room, but professionals know more than you do. frying your brain can't be healthy.
even in the name of whatever weird endeavor you start on next.
well, i don't see the point in making a big deal out of it. i don't need anyone to take care of me.
mal already took over that role, anyway.
it can't be that surprising to you that the people you're with don't want to be second place to your schemes or encourage your self-destructive plans.
because that's what this is. you can paint it in a prettier light, but it doesn't change what it is.
no subject
i've considered it in the past, and while i have a long list of highly valid reasons why i haven't, i will consider it once again. especially because of this. i know that it's gotten out of hand.
independence is an admirable character trait that i, too, subscribe to, but sometimes it's nice to have someone else you can rely on to be there. i want to be that person for you. preferably without the slip-ups that make mal have to fill in for me.
honestly, alina, you sound just like him. it's almost scary.
his name was dominik. this is one of those very few and far between moments when i really wish you kept up with the tabloids so you'd already know this story.
[ he sends her an article then, several pages of elaborate text and paparazzi photographs detailing his romance with dominik. they'd met at a horse race the summer before nikolai began college — dominik was tending to one of the horses and nikolai was only there to appease his mother. after that they were frequently spotted around town and at lavish events, their privacy practically nonexistent. the pictures are charming despite being ill-gotten, the two of them wearing smiles, sharing a meal, going on horseback rides, sailing on nikolai's boat.
it seemed like the perfect romance, the article boasts, until suddenly life took a sharp turn for the two lovers. the public photographs became fewer and further between, and nikolai started showing up to family engagements alone. the few photos the paparazzi did manage to get were strained, the two of them tense and unhappy. there was much speculation — infidelity, financial disagreements, family disapproval — though nothing was able to be confirmed. then, a year and a half after they'd met, dominik died in a car accident driving to see nikolai during winter break. the photos of the funeral have since been redacted, but once they were released, it had been impossible to be rid of them completely. they're raw and intrusive, and nikolai doesn't want to look at them even now, but he wants alina to know all of it. ]
the missing parts are that dominik was incredibly unhappy being in the public eye. he wanted to be with me and not the rest of the world. he said he had no idea what he was signing up for when he fell in love with me. that i should have told him what it would be like.
and he was right. i should have. but i was selfish and in love and didn't want him to have second thoughts.
we were so happy until we weren't. my family made his life hell every time i brought him home. he said he couldn't do normal things anymore without people following him for photographs. he wanted to leave but said he was too in love with me to go.
i should have been the one to let him go. but i didn't want to. it was the first time i'd ever loved someone like that, and i didn't want it to end even when we became desperately unhappy together.
we went abroad for a bit to try and patch things up. then aleksander happened, and that's when this obsession started. things got even worse for us. i would spend weeks at a time trying to catch aleksander at his own game. i lost so much time i could've spent with dominik.
he died a few days before christmas. before we could break up. before we could try again. before i could tell him he was more important than revenge and that i would stop all of it if it would make him happy. looking back, i know there was nothing that could have saved us. love was never our problem. our lives were diametrically opposed and everything about mine was suffocating him.
he's the reason i'm hesitant. i ruined his life. i know you're going to say i didn't, but i did. i could have set him free, i could've done the right thing despite how much it would hurt, but i chose not to. i chose to be selfish because i loved him far too much to let him go.
my worst fear is that i'm going to come into your life and leave it in ruins. that i'll make you unhappy just by knowing me. that if the day comes that we no longer fit together, that i won't be able to do the right thing and let you go.
i can't bear the thought of doing what i did to him to anyone else.
u know i love giant walls of text always
[ he's shared them with her, but even sifting through them — voyeuristic glimpses of blossoming love, contrasted with the heaviness in nikolai's eyes as the photos continue, the tension in dominik's shoulders — feels like a violation. an invasion, stealing secrets that were never hers to witness, learning the nuances of a man who isn't here to tell her his story. dread settles like lead in her stomach, but she forces herself to continue until the end, until the spectacle the media had tried to make of dominik's funeral, and lets herself sit in silence with that knowledge. ]
i'm sorry, nik. i am.
[ if it's this difficult for her to stomach a stranger's death — much as he feels alive in this moment, a breathing entity in the room — she can't imagine the wounds nikolai carries. there are no words she can offer that would ever be enough, nothing that feels even close to adequate. ]
i didn't know him, but i'd like to think he wouldn't want you undermining the choice he made to spend the time he had with you.
unhappy or not, that means something.
[ she pauses, fingertips hovering. there's still so much that needs to be addressed in what he's said, but: ]
i have something to ask. you're not going to like it.
are you only interested in me because i remind you of him?
i don't want you to forget him. i wouldn't ask that from anyone.
but he's gone, and i'm never going to be him. i wouldn't insult his memory by trying to take his place, either.
there's only ever going to be one dominik.
yes good
just those few words send a small trickle of relief through him. he wasn’t sure what he was expecting, considering how rightfully angry alina is with him, but he finds he desperately needs that kindness in this moment. ]
thank you.
truly.
[ after a beat — ]
to be honest, i only really noticed your similarities once you became furious with me.
so no, i’m not interested in you only because you remind me of him.
but i’d be lying if i didn’t admit that some of the feelings are the same. the way it feels when i see you. the butterflies. when i kiss you i feel like i’m so close to touching happiness again.
i’m not replacing him. i know he’s gone. i know you’re not him, nor would i ever ask you to be.
but he’s the one that taught me what love felt like. and sometimes when i look at you i feel that again.
i’m falling for you, alina. hard. and i can’t make myself stop.
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[ only after it's too late to retrieve it does she wonder if that sentiment comes too close to grazing nikolai's raw, gaping wounds — but it's nothing more than the truth. nothing more than the sympathetic twinge in her chest, and the regret of a possibility that life has stolen. ]
thank you for telling me.
but you're arrogant if you believe you can ruin my life more than aleksander already did.
the only reason my name and face is out of those tabloids is because he's pulled strings and paid people off.
honestly, i think he just likes the control it gives him. or he's afraid it would give me more power over him than i have.
he wanted an equal on his terms, which isn't an equal at all.
i'm telling you this for a reason.
he hid everything from me the entire time we were together until it was too late.
his ambitions. the part he wanted me to play in them.
he turned mal and i against each other.
he let me believe he wanted a life with me, but you can't build a future with someone when it's founded on lies.
sometimes i still try to figure out which part of it was ever real. sometimes i wonder if it even matters.
what matters is that i was trapped and alone, and i drove myself crazy wondering if i was living in a fantasy the entire time.
if he was using me all along. if i was a pawn in whatever mind games he liked to play.
you don't want to trap me, and i don't want to feel trapped.
i know you're not him, but you can't lie to me. i can't do that to myself again.
i can't have you keeping secrets this big from me, even if you know it's going to make me furious.
because you're not falling alone.
because i know no matter how long i'll get to love you, it'll be worth whatever comes with it.
or whatever comes after it if it doesn't work.
i want to believe it will, but you can't do this again.
that's how you make it right.
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i'm sure of it.
i would've loved if you two could have met.
[ the old, familiar ache is back, but he turns his mind to the present instead of toward the past, wanting desperately to fix this thing between them before he loses this, too. ]
i'll tell you everything, alina. no more secrets.
even when i know you're not going to like what i'm going to say.
i never want to make you feel like i've trapped you into this.
and i never want you to think that what we have isn't real.
a part of me didn't want to tell you because i was afraid you'd believe i was only using you to get to aleksander.
i know what i did. with zoya. i know it's wrong to go about it this way and i should call the whole thing off, but i can't. i won't lie to you and say that i will.
i just want you to know what you're getting into, so you can make those decisions for yourself.
did you just tell me that you loved me?
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you would be doomed.
not telling me made me believe you were using me to get to aleksander.
people who are proud of their actions usually don't have anything to hide.
but if you say you aren't, i'll try to believe it.
i can't lie to you and say my trust is easily earned. or re-earned.
can we go back to the part about zoya and ignore that?
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i'll remind you whenever you need to hear it. and even when you don't.
i don't expect a pass. however long it takes is however long it takes.
i'm not planning on going anywhere, in either case.
perhaps not ignore but temporarily file away for later discussion.
i suspect i've thoroughly exhausted you by now, and i don't think my bed has seen me in a week.
i don't suppose you want to see it, too?
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you should know that my being furious with you doesn't change how i feel about you.
it probably isn't going to be the first or last time, but it doesn't lessen anything between us.
and it isn't an omen that i'm going to end up hating you, either.
if you need a reminder of that, just read this text again until you understand it.
i just wish you would have realized what position you're putting me in when your plan eventually fails.
knowing aleksander, it will. if i were you, i'd be planning for that instead.
i'm embarrassed enough without having to table it for later discussion or repeat it again.
you don't have to say anything or tell me it's too soon. i already know that.
if you like me at all and want to spare me an early death via humiliation, you'll just forget i said anything.
will you hold it against me if i say i'm almost impressed by that pickup line?
it was very smooth. credit where credit is due, lantsov
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