isn't someone that makes you happy the definition of fairytale love? i would hope he's not seeing anyone else. zoya is not above physical confrontation. she would possibly kill me for saying this, but there are parts of her that are more fragile than she likes to admit. i don't want to see her hurt. it's incredibly upsetting. if mal is really determined enough for this chase, then i'll avoid accidentally throwing any wrenches in their general direction. i don't want to fuck your ex. i imagine that's quite disappointing. all i'm saying is that i might be fond of varying forms of confrontation as well.
no. fairytale love involves princes and princesses sweeping you off of your feet "and they all lived happily ever after" where everything is perfect and magical and nothing bad ever happens to anyone. a little hypocritical for a woman who is technically seeing someone else. mal isn't going to hurt her. his heart is too big for that. you should be more worried about zoya hurting him. fondness and excitement are two different things. keep your love for danger in your pants at his party, nikolai.
nothing bad ever happens, hm? that doesn't sound like the fairytales i've read. i think fairytale love can be a bit gruesome. but it's enduring. an ever after, at least. in her defense, she is technically only pretending to see someone else. so mal has never hurt anyone of a romantic variety before? i'll be on my best behavior. i'll only bite if i'm cornered and in danger of being murdered.
maybe i've been reading the wrong ones. in her non-defense, she's fucking someone else to get information. if i was mal, i wouldn't stay. but he has. i think that says a lot about how much he likes her. i didn't say he hasn't. but he wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose. didn't you just say you were too important to be murdered? starting to doubt your invincibility, nik?
i know you don't approve. we don't have to talk about it. but if you want to disparage someone, direct it at me. not her. it certainly says a lot about something. not particularly. i'm fairly comfortable with my invincibility. you know, i've known aleksander for quite some time. not well, mind you, but i think that's an even better reason why i should have a private chat with him. nothing serious. just planting a few seeds.
stating the truth is disparaging now? fine. if you want lies about me or zoya, i'll give them to you next time. i think that's a perfect reason for not having a private chat with him. what seeds could you possibly want to plant that aren't already planted?
it was a bit crudely stated, is all. you know i don't want that. well, he hasn't seen my face in quite some time. he'll need a moment or two to admire it. and i want to assure him there are no hard feelings between us. business is business, after all, and it isn't as if my opinions on my family are a secret. those seeds. the seeds that will get me back in later.
it was honest. i'm not going to dress it up to make it sound better than what it really is. and i'm not going to pretend that you weren't trying to take a jab at me because i wouldn't have the same patience as mal if i was in his shoes. we agreed you were going for me, not for aleksander.
Edited (how do words work!!!) 2021-03-12 05:33 (UTC)
all right, we'll call it what it is. deceitful. immoral. dehumanizing. and still necessary. i wasn't trying to take a jab at you. honestly, it would be easier if mal didn't stay. his big heart, though admirable, is frankly a nuisance right now.
[ a beat, and then — ]
i know. we did. i'll stay by your side. it won't put off the inevitable, though. i'm still going to see him eventually. if not here, then privately, later. some other day that's still going to be sooner than you like.
you're right. it's all of those things, except "necessary". really? so if "it certainly says a lot about something" wasn't an insult about me, it was an insult about mal. but i guess it doesn't count as disparaging someone's best friend when nikolai lantsov says it.
[ her pause is long enough to wonder if she's simply abandoned the conversation, a moment of consideration and calming breaths she tries to take for herself, until — ]
if you're going to make this about aleksander, i'd rather just go alone. i'll schedule your private meeting with him in the books, and you can get what you want without having to pretend you're not thinking about scheming the entire time you're supposed to be there with me.
so it's all right that you give up parts of yourself to protect others from him — something i personally consider quite drastic — but my methods aren't up to par? we want the same thing, alina. is what i'm doing not humane enough for you? i know you're not concerned with zoya's wellbeing. so what is it? do you protest that aleksander is being used without knowing it? i'm sorry. i shouldn't have said that about mal.
i want to be there with you. i can't stop myself from thinking other things, but you're my primary concern. you're my reason. i don't want you to feel like you need to do this alone.
don't act like i don't care about zoya's wellbeing in all of this. just because i don't like her for what she's doing to mal doesn't mean i'd want any other person to get caught up in his bullshit. i'm not heartless, nikolai. do my reasons for hating your methods matter? you're going to do what you want, anyway. how i feel about it doesn't change a single thing.
even when you're with me, it doesn't feel like you're with me lately. not completely. not since all of this started. just admit that you still have other motives for going, even if i'm your primary concern.
she isn't doing anything to mal. mal is doing this to himself. how i feel about what you're doing isn't stopping you, either. the nobility of martyrdom is vastly overrated. what would you have me do, alina? stop? will you stop as well?
[ he almost says you sound just like dominik, but it feels too much like pressing thorns into his own side. too much like admitting the both of them are right. ]
even if i did, it doesn't change the fact that i want to be there for you. i want to be there for the things that are hard and for the things that are easy. i want to stand by you for all of it. and yes, i do have other motives for going. i won't do you the disservice of a lie we both know isn't true.
facing things alone is looking a lot better than dealing with someone who wants to throw my pain in my face when it's convenient for them. i don't have to martyr myself by dealing with this, so i think i'll stay off the cross. have a nice night, nikolai.
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no subject
isn't someone that makes you happy the definition of fairytale love?
i would hope he's not seeing anyone else. zoya is not above physical confrontation.
she would possibly kill me for saying this, but there are parts of her that are more fragile than she likes to admit. i don't want to see her hurt. it's incredibly upsetting.
if mal is really determined enough for this chase, then i'll avoid accidentally throwing any wrenches in their general direction.
i don't want to fuck your ex. i imagine that's quite disappointing.
all i'm saying is that i might be fond of varying forms of confrontation as well.
no subject
no. fairytale love involves princes and princesses sweeping you off of your feet "and they all lived happily ever after"
where everything is perfect and magical and nothing bad ever happens to anyone.
a little hypocritical for a woman who is technically seeing someone else.
mal isn't going to hurt her. his heart is too big for that. you should be more worried about zoya hurting him.
fondness and excitement are two different things. keep your love for danger in your pants at his party, nikolai.
no subject
i think fairytale love can be a bit gruesome. but it's enduring. an ever after, at least.
in her defense, she is technically only pretending to see someone else.
so mal has never hurt anyone of a romantic variety before?
i'll be on my best behavior. i'll only bite if i'm cornered and in danger of being murdered.
no subject
in her non-defense, she's fucking someone else to get information. if i was mal, i wouldn't stay.
but he has. i think that says a lot about how much he likes her.
i didn't say he hasn't. but he wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose.
didn't you just say you were too important to be murdered? starting to doubt your invincibility, nik?
no subject
it certainly says a lot about something.
not particularly. i'm fairly comfortable with my invincibility. you know, i've known aleksander for quite some time. not well, mind you, but i think that's an even better reason why i should have a private chat with him. nothing serious. just planting a few seeds.
no subject
fine. if you want lies about me or zoya, i'll give them to you next time.
i think that's a perfect reason for not having a private chat with him. what seeds could you possibly want to plant that aren't already planted?
no subject
you know i don't want that.
well, he hasn't seen my face in quite some time. he'll need a moment or two to admire it. and i want to assure him there are no hard feelings between us. business is business, after all, and it isn't as if my opinions on my family are a secret. those seeds. the seeds that will get me back in later.
no subject
and i'm not going to pretend that you weren't trying to take a jab at me because i wouldn't have the same patience as mal if i was in his shoes.
we agreed you were going for me, not for aleksander.
no subject
i wasn't trying to take a jab at you. honestly, it would be easier if mal didn't stay. his big heart, though admirable, is frankly a nuisance right now.
[ a beat, and then — ]
i know. we did. i'll stay by your side.
it won't put off the inevitable, though. i'm still going to see him eventually. if not here, then privately, later. some other day that's still going to be sooner than you like.
no subject
really? so if "it certainly says a lot about something" wasn't an insult about me, it was an insult about mal.
but i guess it doesn't count as disparaging someone's best friend when nikolai lantsov says it.
[ her pause is long enough to wonder if she's simply abandoned the conversation, a moment of consideration and calming breaths she tries to take for herself, until — ]
if you're going to make this about aleksander, i'd rather just go alone.
i'll schedule your private meeting with him in the books, and you can get what you want without having to pretend you're not thinking about scheming the entire time you're supposed to be there with me.
no subject
i'm sorry. i shouldn't have said that about mal.
i want to be there with you. i can't stop myself from thinking other things, but you're my primary concern. you're my reason.
i don't want you to feel like you need to do this alone.
no subject
just because i don't like her for what she's doing to mal doesn't mean i'd want any other person to get caught up in his bullshit.
i'm not heartless, nikolai.
do my reasons for hating your methods matter? you're going to do what you want, anyway. how i feel about it doesn't change a single thing.
even when you're with me, it doesn't feel like you're with me lately. not completely.
not since all of this started.
just admit that you still have other motives for going, even if i'm your primary concern.
no subject
how i feel about what you're doing isn't stopping you, either. the nobility of martyrdom is vastly overrated.
what would you have me do, alina? stop? will you stop as well?
[ he almost says you sound just like dominik, but it feels too much like pressing thorns into his own side. too much like admitting the both of them are right. ]
even if i did, it doesn't change the fact that i want to be there for you. i want to be there for the things that are hard and for the things that are easy. i want to stand by you for all of it.
and yes, i do have other motives for going. i won't do you the disservice of a lie we both know isn't true.
no subject
i don't have to martyr myself by dealing with this, so i think i'll stay off the cross. have a nice night, nikolai.