ravkas | ( open post )

( open post )

[ he follows kaz like a puppy, thinking yes, this is his only line, his last trick, the one thing he can still offer him. barely registers when his back unceremoniously hits the door, looking at kaz and trying to care even a little about the job. does care when he states there's a traitor among his crew, an unexpected cut. he should be furious. a version of himself would have rooted them out on his own, made a violent example of them. the version of this patchwork family that he created in the first place would never have had a traitor to begin with, but now it just feels like the last bit of something he built — something he loved — dissolving beneath his feet. humorlessly, his mouth twitches. bastards really aren't meant to have anything. ]

I won't tell Tamar, but she makes a good partner for ripping out throats. She doesn't take kindly to traitors. You can trust her, if you want. She sends me to my dreams, after all.

[ and she knows about them. not something he's outright stated, but tamar is no idiot, and nikolai has been wearing his melancholy a little too boldly these past few days. besides, all the secrecy makes little sense otherwise, and nikolai finds he has no desire to lie to his oldest friend. he listens to the rest of kaz's mad scheme while he strips off his coat and gloves, filling the basin with clean water and bringing a cloth to clean kaz's wounds. before he can begin, kaz catches his hand, bare skin on skin. he stills immediately, holding his breath. warm metal. his ring. he half expected kaz to pretend like he already gave it back. ]

Are you — [ can't help the surprise on his face, both from how kaz's lips brush over his skin and the words coming from his mouth. saints, he feels stupid, fumbling over simple words, but this is another blindside, another sudden realization that pulls the ground from beneath him. kaz is coming to ravka, and he didn't ask him to. he's not coming for you, you dolt. but he's coming regardless, and suddenly, it's the worst thing. the very worst thing. he swallows, instead beginning the work of carefully undressing him, exposing pale, bloodied skin inch by inch. slowly, his dark clothes fall to the floor, his heart aching at each injury he uncovers. he needs rest. days of quiet in his bedchambers in the grand palace. can he? no. what if — what if the worst happens like it nearly did aboard his ship? he takes the cloth and gently brings it to his shoulder, keeping his eyes averted. ] Brekker, I — I wanted to ask. I still do. I want so much from you, I want all the things I said and more, but — I can't. You know I can't. You know I... I just can't do any of it.

[ stops, blinks away blood in the snow. his eyes stray from the fresh wound at kaz's shoulder to the — wait. his gaze narrows. his other shoulder is no longer bandaged, claw-marks not exactly healed but no longer festering, shifting to normal scars to add to his collection. his hand hovers over the marks, disbelieving, before grazing his skin. ] How did you — what happened to your shoulder?

[ it’s not an apology stumbling from nikolai’s mouth. not quite poison in place of honey on his tongue, either. kaz’s chest constricts, keeping his heart from falling out of its cage. it’s — it’s hard to say what this is, exactly, part rejection and part confession. i want you, i can’t. kaz waits for an elaboration, brows knitting closer together, mouth twisting. he finally sucks in a breath to muster speech, but nikolai changes tact.

a heartbeat. he revises his path in accordance with the shifting terrain. ]

Zenik. [ his mouth hooks higher one side, amusement flashing briefly in his shark eyes. he likes that she didn’t tell nikolai, his friend and crow first, as loyal and trusted as he’s always known her to be. (and, of course, that she’s happy and safe here with her fjerdan husband, even if djerholm is one of the worst places he’s ever been.) ] Told you I’d figure it out. [ they both know that nina zenik used her clever mind and big heart to save him yet again, when he least wanted help from others. kaz leans forward and fits a hand at the small of nikolai’s back, guiding him to stand between his legs, so that he can examine the scarring wound up close, merzost excised entirely. they’re of a height like this, as always. ]

You know…when I was drowning in this miserable country, Nina’s the one who saved me. [ has never put it like that, not to anyone. dirtyhands saves himself, or he’s just like any other man. his face pulls, ] I awoke to her — kissing me, trying to resuscitate me, and I shoved her off so violently, I thought Matthias would put me back under the ice. [ he huffs a breath. not a laugh, not frustration, just — nervous energy escaping. no idea why he tells nikolai that story, except that kaz often wants to share his thoughts with nikolai first. he inhales audibly, looking down and shaking his head just so. ]

Don’t tell me you can’t. [ voice made raw by days of overuse, hurt dragging the tenor higher. ] You won’t. I know the difference, Nikolai, I do. [ he tilts his head up, eyes open and fierce, searching nikolai’s features. ] You won’t even look at me when you say it. [ that’s one of his tells, catalogued early on in their companionship. an avoidant gaze, a faltering smile. the varied performances of king, privateer, monster. kaz tightens his hold on nikolai’s hand and hip, tethers to keep him here for a moment longer, if he means to say goodbye tonight. ]

What can’t you do? [ an edge of pleading sneaks into his voice. ] Explain it to me. [ his lips press together hard, either because it’s profoundly difficult to speak or, perhaps, not to. ] Because any time I’ve thought that I can’t do something for you — which is multiple times, every time I’m with you. [ an unquiet mind despite all his talk of nikolai being present and focused for him. ] I’ve also thought that I have to try. [ a sudden dip of his chin. ] That you would expect me to, [ hadn’t nikolai said so, at the start? he pulls their linked hands to his chest. ] and that you deserve as much since — I don’t think you’re good at anything you’ve chosen for yourself. Not naturally. [ which might take a moment to register as a compliment, unaccustomed and unskilled as he is at constructing them. something admiring shines in his eyes now. ] But you’ve made yourself — [ he hesitates. ] Brilliant. And brave. [ overcoming his distractible mind to build infernal contraptions and salvage a crooked country, weathering a scheming family and countless losses. his blues search for a safe place to land in nikolai’s pale, conflicted face. of course they end up holding his hazel gaze, gold flecks dimmed but still there. ] Why should I accept less from you now?

[ a soft breath, the touch of a real smile. zenik. the only good in this dull haze of horror, a bit of weight lifted from the heaviness that still remains. never told kaz he would have gone to drastic measures to rid him of the rotting wound he left him with, measures kaz would never have forgiven him for. now he doesn't have to replace one hurt with another. at least not that specific one. ]

Nina has a gift for the impossible. Same as you and I. She was one of my best spies and deserves this peculiar life of Fjerdan royalty with her handsome prince that I have my suspicions is not a blood prince at all. But who I am to point fingers about royal blood? [ he grazes the healing scars once more, bizarre animal marks to anyone else. at least no one will have the audacity to question kaz brekker. ] I'm glad she got to see you. Living this sort of life, deep undercover... she's happy, I know, but it came at a steep cost. She shouldn't have to give up everything about who she was. And now she won't have to.

[ but he can't think about his termite forever. she's found her way when he clearly hasn't, and kaz seems wholly uninterested in shying away from truths tonight, his features cracked open, something desperate in his voice. nikolai doesn't want to hear it. what can he say? can't or won't, it's all the same. his excuses won't measure up, not when kaz has put himself through hell to give this much of himself to him, and nikolai won't do the same. can't. it can't be his blood in the snow or the water or anywhere else, not anymore. in the end kaz is brimming with life and possibility while nikolai has already spent all of his. ]

Are you in such a hurry to rush to the end? [ he smiles gently, tending to the wound at his shoulder first, carefully wrapping it. warm drops of water glide down his chest as he cleans away sweat and blood, trying to erase the days of hardship written into the lines of his muscle. he eases his trousers from his legs, lifting his hips carefully from the counter, his eyes on the sticky slide of blood as the gash at his thigh comes into view. a sigh sinks his chest, his brow tightening as another flash of blood presses to mind. ] You won't like my explanation. It all boils down to not being able to have the thing that I want and do the thing that's right. I have to choose. And I so hate not getting what I want.

[ he squeezes the cloth into the basin, wringing it out before beginning to clean the blood at his thigh, keeping his eyes downcast. it's easier to talk without looking into kaz's intense gaze, the weight of his hurt and confusion and expectation too much to bear. nothing more to offer him but disappointment. his head hurts. his heart hurts. somehow, he keeps a straight face anyway. ]

The thing that's right is to go back to Zoya, tell her everything, have her lock me away as a danger to the people until that changes. But the thing I want is to take you back to the palace with me and give you a few days of rest. I want to recite bad poetry to you and fuss over your bandages because you refuse to see a healer. I just... [ his hands shake suddenly. he swallows, steadies himself, finally lifts his eyes. ] I don't want to do what's right. But I'm afraid it's the curse of my heroic disposition that I can no longer keep you in a fantasy when I know I'm going to kill again. I know it. So I have to do the thing that's right, and you have to accept it, or we can argue this entire night away, but in either case morning will still come — and with it, an end to this. And I'd rather not waste the little time that we do still have.

[ he presses the cloth to the wound, leaning to brush their lips together to ease the sting, not quite a kiss, his eyes half-lidded as he studies kaz's gaze, wondering if he'll push into him with longing or wrath. ]

[ there might have been a point where kaz allowed himself to think he and nikolai shared responsibility for nina’s fate. drawing her into the war, the ice court, fjerda itself. never would have taken parem if his plan hadn’t failed, if he hadn’t turned tail to release pekka rollins from his shackles — but those are just cards. it was up to nina to play the hand as she liked, with all her bravery and cleverness. she chose which risks to take and secured this life on her own merit. he’s as proud of her as he is of jesper, inej, and wylan for having found a place in this world, far though it is from him.

his happiness for her blinks out when nikolai speaks again. kaz tenses, both at the implication of the question and nikolai’s touch. the end. his hands pull back, quick enough to tell of how they’ve been burned, anchoring flat against the counter. perhaps it was naive to think that even if he couldn’t keep nikolai, he might come back. not to him, not for him — but that kaz might not lose him entirely, even so. nikolai's answer closes that door. ]

You’ve been hurrying to the end since the start. [ quiet, a note of childishness eking out. it’s true, though, isn’t it? nikolai had tried to send him away again and again. did he ever want you? yes, surely he did, at first, if not for long after. well, perhaps after, when he needed reason to continue or comfort of a kind, as if kaz ever had the skill to offer those things. doesn’t have a shred of belief in the binary nikolai presents now, between what he wants and what’s right, but he knows he can’t influence nikolai to see the grays colouring his vision any more than he can make him stay. his head tilts back, an attempt to ground himself, to not fight this in a way that ruins their connection forever despite every nerve and synapse telling him to grab the nearest, sharpest knife and slash.

you’re not what he needs. that honour goes to zoya’s stern gaze and understanding of the demon; tamar’s constancy; ravka’s warmth. you knew he would leave, like all the rest. with his uneven breathing and trembling hands, he continues to allow nikolai to peel back his armour, his skin and touch his most vulnerable parts. unsticking his trousers from the gash on his thigh makes him wince, but his composure rebuilds from there. he forces himself to be honest instead of hurtful. ] You underestimate yourself, [ a shuddery sigh. ] though you’re right about the terrible explanation.

[ kaz hopes that one of his brighter friends, full of life, can illuminate nikolai's strength and courage, hidden somewhere inside, where a thing like him can't reach. for a moment, he stills under the kiss, as unsure of nikolai’s intentions now as he was the first time this happened, but then he presses back, barely restraining the longing that threatens to burst open his chest. doesn’t move farther than that, gaze cracking as nikolai tips back. ]

What could you possibly want before sunrise? [ it won’t be enough, not for him. ] Whatever it is — I can’t unless — [ a thousand bargains occur to him. say you meant it, all of it, except he never cared for sweet lies. promise you’ll come back, but he needn’t return to kaz, in particular. all possibilities wither under the blaze of what he wants most for nikolai. his voice firms, the steady drag of stone on stone. ] Say you’ll try to save yourself. [ that he won’t give up fighting the demon, or on whatever nazyalensky might accomplish by returning the heart and releasing the darkling. ] If you won’t, [ not can’t, stubborn to the last. ] say nothing and go.

[ it's clear from the defiant angle of his jaw that he means now, without caring for his wounds or prolonging this ruinous tenderness. if he wanted dead hands, he could find them on any healer in the palace. ]

Edited (IM STUPID do not perceive me ) 2021-08-05 03:31 (UTC)

[ it's immediate, the aching loss that fills the empty space when kaz pulls his hands away, a familiar sensation, and yet a new edge to it because it's kaz. has to be new because everything he's felt here is like nothing else that's ever passed through him. he wants to tell him that just because he's been in love before doesn't mean that this isn't all made up of firsts for him, too — and it startles him to even have the thought. love. but what else can this terrible sinking feeling be, like he's cutting some vital part of him away, an excision that will leave him battered and bruised for days and weeks on end? this is how he discovered it the first time, too, when dominik lay bleeding in his arms, the word rising through the hurt ravaging his mind, the tears blurring his vision. love, inextricably bound by loss.

why does it come to him like this? something he desperately craves, something he hopelessly dreads. why is it never something he can keep? he isn't quick enough to hide the flash of hurt in his eyes. ]

Do you really feel that way? [ he matches his quiet tone, hands gentle as he wipes away blood from his pale skin, tender skin that he's kissed, places only he's touched. the wound disappears as he winds bandages carefully around his thigh. ] That I haven't savored every minute we've had? That I've just wanted this to be over? Do you think there’s something better I’m rushing to, something better than you? [ he stops, searching the sky of kaz’s eyes, so close to being closed off to him forever. he can feel his disappointment, his barely-contained anger and hurt, and he leans in to cage him there, sliding his hands across the cool countertops until he finds kaz’s, settling his fingers over them. ] I don’t want anything else. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you. Please don’t pull away from me now, Kaz, I don’t — I don’t know when anyone will ever be able to be near to me like this again.

[ relief floods him when kaz kisses back, and it turns into a desperate thing, his mouth trembling and his breath growing unsteady. what could you possibly want before sunrise? there’s so little time. so little time to make kaz feel all the things he deserves, to bandage his wounds, to kiss every bit of hurt away. to make sure that he’s all right. how can he be, when nikolai is doing this to him? his eyes crack open at his request, something so wholly selfless that it opens up a painful little fissure in his chest. will he fight? it’s all he knows how to do. no matter how much he wants to lay down and rest, to put down his weapons and go off in search of peace, he knows nothing else but to be a soldier, but to chase ambition, always craving more. what would it be to just stop? to just let go? like the quiet peace of sinking deeper into the sea, no weight, no sound. he’d like to feel it again, but something in kaz’s voice straightens his spine, drags the mantle of responsibility back down. you’re not dead yet, you daft bastard. he nods once, drawing in a quick breath. ]

I’ll fight. [ a tired promise edged in steel. he can always a bleed a little more for his country, for his people, for kaz. when you love a thing, the work is never done. ] I’ll fight, and I will see you again.

[ he kisses him then, harder than before, hoisting him higher on the counter as his wet hands run though his dark hair, down the curve of his spine, roaming over his bruises and sore body. a week apart and it feels like years. feels like several lifetimes for him, caged inside of a monster, watching a nightmare unravel again and again. he wants to lose himself in this, to forget at least for a few hours of the blood marking the snow, soaking his blackened fingers, of the screams that litter his mind and follow him into his dreams. his kisses down his throat, his chest, then returns to his mouth as if he can’t get enough — and he can’t. there will never be enough of this, not when he wants kaz all the time, standing beside him or in his bed or just quietly rotating in his orbit, close enough to see, close enough for his feet to carry him there. he kisses his cheeks, his nose, his eyelids, cradling his face like something precious. ]

Something you’ve wanted that you haven’t told me. [ he whispers it between breathless kisses, his fingers trailing gently down his side, down to his bandaged thigh. ] Or — anything. I’ll kiss you until sunrise if you want. Whatever you want. Let me fill your aches.

[ do you really feel that way? chest aching, heart burning. kaz cants his head, jaw taut, trying to keep all the affection he has for nikolai from climbing the rungs of his ribs and breaking his stern expression. multiple answers occur to him, though he utters none. no, yes, of course not. he feels that way when it’s easier to do so — when nikolai never wanting him seems like it could be a keen enough blade to sever the strings between them. harder and harder to keep hold of that as nikolai whispers terrifying things and touches him with care.

but surely there are things better than him waiting? a peaceful life in ravka, an uncomplicated companionship with someone whole, sweeter tongues and brighter eyes everywhere. those possibilities spiral until nikolai stops them with his hands, frightfully warm. kaz’s gaze flickers down to their layered grip and back up to study his tired, handsome face. he likes it best when they’re this close, even the faintest of nikolai’s freckles made visible. like secrets, just for him.

his words seem impossible, even as they unwind the tension coiled at his back. i’ve never wanted anyone the way i want you, plucked from his thoughts and gifted back to him, sounding so certain and sincere. something kaz hadn’t dared hope was true. never been wanted like this, above all else. never wanted someone just as much. still can’t put a name to this feeling. overwhelming, like drowning. exhilarating, like the air that rushes back into your lungs after breaching the surface. i’ll fight releases a long, shaking exhale from his chest. his face cracks open again, letting nikolai’s light inside, filling in every fissure, suffusing him with warmth. i’ll see you again, on the heels of the first stunning revelation, heightening the arch of his brows and widening his eyes.

a surprised, pleased noise, when nikolai chases his promises with action. already tender and bruised from his injuries, this brokers the fatal fracture in his controlled resistance. kaz kisses him back fiercely, again and again. hands frame his face, urge at the nape of his neck, tear at his buttons and push open his shirt. ] You will. [ a hushed confirmation to bind this contract. sat in nothing but his underwear and bandages, his bare skin slides against the cool surface, goosebumps skating up his legs, hitching loose around nikolai’s waist. he tilts his head back, eyes shuttering as nikolai leads him into the water, mouthing down his throat. too much. not enough. there might never be anyone else who can touch him like nikolai does, kissing places that aren’t his mouth, places that imply — that say — ]

Or? [ had he meant to say something else, something he wanted, or — ] Is that really all you want? [ phrasing riding on uneven breaths, focus shattered under nikolai’s relentless softness. still, he reaches for a thread nikolai unspooled moments earlier. i don’t know when anyone will ever be able to be near to me like this again. kaz kisses the hinge of his jaw and lowers his legs to set about the task of disarming him, nimble fingers unbuckling his holster. ]

You’re always caring for me without my asking. [ split between annoyed and touched, the way only kaz manages to be. of course he’d never ask for it, in the first place. he removes the holster and sets it aside with his discarded gloves and clothes. ] Always offering, when you’re the one who — [ catching himself, he swallows before any cracks become audible. even so, he can’t keep the concern from his voice. ] You were out there alone. [ for days, committing unspeakable acts, far from himself. he’ll be on his own after this, too, locked in a ravkan cell as the darkness in the unsea takes new shape. he pushes nikolai’s layers down his arms and lets them fall to the floor, assured in his want for everything nikolai will give, if this night is to be the last. fevered skin, dead hands, and all. won’t say that he thought of nikolai all the time on the job. that even when kaz wasn’t thinking of him, he was trying not to think of him, which is ultimately the same thing. ]

Stay until sunrise, for a start. [ or at least until their shared exhaustion finally gets the better of them. his mouth curves high on one side, and his hands brush over nikolai's ribs, checking for hurts inflicted while he was away. ] And I'll tell you, [ something he wants but hasn't said. ] but you'll have to tell me your own aches, too.

[ exploiting the loophole in any request, as ever. this can’t just be about him — about penance — with all nikolai is fighting in mind and body, too. ]

[ is it all that he wants? yes, just this. and no, because he wants everything. always wants everything. his fatal flaw, his unending greed and relentless ambition. it's morphed to lesser things now — or maybe larger things — not crowns and countries and the impossibilities of peace, but peculiar notions like a quiet that doesn't feel suffocating. companionship that doesn't feel like it's always coming to an end. to put his hands on something and not break it. to look back at a thing and feel like it wants him as much as he wants it. love, of a sort. what sort, he doesn't know. but he wants. big, cavernous aches inside of him that he doesn't think can ever truly he filled because someone like him can never truly be satisfied. kaz is the closest he's ever come, fire singeing his insides, enough to scorch all those vast, untouched corners, and maybe that's why he's holding on so tightly even when the end is barreling straight into them despite every promise falling from his lips. ]

Because you'd never ask. [ a quick, knowing smirk. would he even know how? now, he thinks yes, with time to think of all his wants and needs that have floated to the surface with all the things they've shared together. but yes doesn't mean he'll ever want to or that it will come easy. kaz brekker will be stubborn to his grave and then even beyond that. a weight leaves him as kaz nimbly undresses him, cool air ghosting his bare chest, guns falling from his hips. isn't fast enough to kiss him to stop his next thought, bowing his head to kiss at the delicate line of kaz's collarbone. imagines the demon snapping it, imagines the pool of blood bruising beneath pale skin. he shuts his eyes. ] Don't remember most of it. [ a fast, easy lie, swallowed up as he finds his mouth again, kissing him deeply, a soft hum in his throat. it tastes like warm blood and cold snow.

but kaz's hands are warming against his skin, only faded bruises left from nina's healers for him to find. stay until sunrise. a dream. maybe one he can have just this night. warm lips pull down his throat, down his chest, pressing to every bruise he can find, soothing every hurt while his hand drags away the last bit of clothing remaining on kaz's body. his head dips between his legs, his cock sliding past his lips without warning. ]

I've ached for this for a long time. [ his hand roams across the counter, over bandages, over little pots and tins until he finds what he's looking for, slicking his fingers with oil. he works his cock over with his mouth, coaxing him to hardness. will he get this chance again? is this too fast? this is the edge of a precipice and he's afraid of falling. his arm tightens around kaz's waist, angling his hips higher. ] Wanted to give you this for a long time, but — [ a breath, sliding his cock from his mouth as he kisses the tip, balanced against his lips as half-lidded eyes gaze up at him carefully. ] Tell me if it's too much.

[ one finger sinks slowly inside of him, his breath soft, a sudden confession out before he can stop it — ] I missed you. All the time.

[ a pleasant buzz runs through him, as nikolai voices what they both know to be true. you’d never ask, not for all nikolai has freely given. the act of admitting to a want is tantamount to weakness in ketterdam, yet nikolai has borne witness to his few requests outwith the boundary of his city. secret urgings to help, touch, kiss. a kind of intimacy unknown to him until now, breaking down his reticence toward trust as much as physical connection, if only with one, treasured person. because nikolai likes to be asked for things, for help, and then to give, so it feels less like losing to admit a need — and more like winning to allow nikolai to fill it.

don’t remember most of it, a blatant lie, only saved from his ire by a soothing kiss. nikolai has confessed the horror of his acute awareness inside the demon before, so the attempt to deny it troubles him, just not enough to halt nikolai’s searing touches or clever tongue. for one night, he can allow an unreal version of events to be true.

kaz startles in surprise when nikolai goes down on him, muscles in his stomach and thighs pulling taut, then relaxing as his cock slides deeper into the velvety heat of his mouth. there's something about the way nikolai gets, when he does this, focused yet hazy. he rakes his fingers through nikolai’s hair, makes a fist and pulls, hoping for a glimpse of his glittering eyes.

partly because he’d already been thinking of it himself, he knows what nikolai’s means to do as soon as his hand wanders. hadn’t worked up to the asking, curious whether it was something nikolai liked doing or liked having done to him. can feel his face flush, warm all the way down to his collarbone in anticipation, the answer pooling heat low in his gut. a quick nod of assent, to convey his understanding with immediacy. desire thrums in his blood, heart rattling against the cage of his ribs. ]

I hadn’t wanted this until — the cave. [ eyes still intent, dark and hungry. he swallows hard. ] Then I kept wanting it.

[ a second confession underwrites the one spoken aloud, that he only considered it at all because of everything he experienced with nikolai. the boy who unlocked his wanting and now means to leave it untended. what will you do then? want him still, as endlessly as he did when they were separated. stay with him in the now, the advice he gives on repeat. kaz thought of a hundred schemes to trap nikolai with him, and he still chose the path that would lead him away. is that what it means to love someone? hard to say, with how little he knows of it, but kaz soothes his fingers at nikolai’s temples, as if he might be the nervous one. his gaze is fixed and studious, cataloguing sensations in the hopes that they don’t leave him: nikolai’s lips murmuring against cock, the cool air on his skin, soft hair sliding in the tangle of his fingers. ]

You know I like too much, if it’s on you. [ normally, kaz prefers to plunge into the depths, but he’s grateful nikolai takes a measured approach, easing him into the shallows. it gives him time to override the instinctive clench of muscle and steady the initial jolt of his good leg, features tense and then easing. a breathy noise escapes from the back of his throat. it feels different than he thought it would. maybe some things don’t feel like anything else. ]

Nikolai. [ momentarily overwhelmed by the mere thought of his longing finding its twin in nikolai. missed him, a wanting that persists with absence. ] Was it my scowl or my poison tongue you wished for? [ his other hand curls around the lip of the counter, supporting the barest hitch into the pressure of nikolai’s finger, testing. oh. air hisses through his teeth. ]

[ it's as he suspected — kaz does want this, has thought of it, but hasn't voiced it aloud. he could've asked anytime and nikolai would've happily obliged, but that's a faraway sort of notion, a different time and place, maybe something they'll never quite reach. kaz would be a different person if he were the sort to just ask for things like this, and nikolai is rather partial to the way he is now, coarse and unrestrained in his violence and yet timid when it comes to the things kept quiet in his heart, like those hurt him so much more than blades and fists. they do. nikolai knows they do. just a little bit of light sears parts hidden away for so long, and still he opens himself again and again to him, allows his scorched hands to touch him, to hold him when nikolai knows he doesn't deserve to because in the end he doesn't know if he can give him anything more than this. a few fleeting moments of pleasure. kaz needs so much more than just this, and he doesn't know why he stays because he has to have figured out by now that he's empty. a golden husk full of nothing. why did he agree to fight again? maybe he just likes to bleed.

kaz's careful, nimble fingers steady him, moving softly through his hair, his eyes straying to lock onto his, lips grazing along the underside of his cock. there's tension written in the lines of kaz's face, but anticipation, too. he does want it. that it took so long surprises him, all the way until he'd fallen and hit his head in the damnable fjerdan ice cave. nikolai has thought about this even before they set sail for the job, of what it would be like to push him open and take him apart, to find that sweet, untouched thing inside of him and coax it to life. ]

You don't have to just want. [ he turns his head, whispering softly against his thigh, his mouth pressing above his bandages as he kisses along his pale skin. ] You can tell me the ways you want to be touched. Or show me.

[ he's in knuckle-deep now, carefully feeling the tremors in kaz's muscles, the alterations in his breath. a sudden smile touches his lips, genuine. ] Both, but your tongue makes more appearances in my dreams. Sometimes spewing poison. Sometimes too busy between my legs to do so.

[ and — there. he feels kaz push against him, a minuscule, guarded thing. he understands at once that this isn't something he can throw himself into, maybe because of what it is, maybe because of all that's happened. kaz doesn't need to be coaxed into it — he's already here, already willing — but he needs something. assurance, maybe. this is a different sort of surrender, a more stark vulnerability. another first.

he drops another kiss to his thigh before he rises to seek his mouth again, briefly kissing his lips before moving to nuzzle the soft space beneath his ear. his finger carefully sinks all the way inside of him, keeping still as he trails his mouth hotly down the line of his throat. ]

How does it feel? Tell me. [ if this could be the last time, he'll be damned if he'll allow kaz off the hook so easily. gently, he curls his finger inside of him, mouth at his lips again, watching kaz with a hungry gaze. it's not enough. slowly. he exhales, suddenly extracting his hand and winding his arm around kaz's waist, lifting him from the counter, gripping gently at his uninjured thigh. he walks them into the curiously slanted bedchambers nina has set kaz up in, tipping him onto the bed and following him down eagerly, sliding his legs open to fist at his cock, planting deep kisses at his mouth. he's warm, and nikolai still feels cold despite the feverish flush to his skin, still feels the icy press of snow and the thick spill of blood. he can hide away in this if he tries.

another kiss to kaz's willing mouth and then he's turning him over, coaxing him onto his hands and knees while his lips soothe along his spine, kissing up to the nape of his neck. he slicks his fingers up again and this time presses two inside of him — slowly, he reminds himself, pulling kaz flush against him, his hand pulling lazy drags around his cock. he finds the faded remnants of the hidden bruise left high at his throat and sucks a fresh mark to his skin, nuzzling gently at the reddened flush. ]

Ask. [ a breathless demand, soft against his ear. ] Ask for what you want.

[ a riot of confusion, disgust, terror on his skin gives way to burning need. you can tell me, anathema to all he’s ever known. kaz has tried for so long to keep his wanting locked away — both the general longing for intimacy and the specific desire for nikolai, saying things like stay with me, show me. after a decade of standing in shadowy doorways and against walls, knowing he could never draw near, nikolai has laid a path of stones into the light. ]

I know. [ that he can with nikolai, the only safe place for truths of that kind — revealing, weakening. it’s a reassurance. maybe an apology, when he doubts asking will ever come easily to him. his eyes shutter for a second, shiver running through him nikolai’s lips stray to his thigh.

a rush of relief comes with nikolai’s kiss, the heat of closeness replacing cool exposure. another thing he wanted but didn’t ask for, so he resolves to vocalise it next time. can the feel water rising as nikolai sinks into him, a careful, deliberate pressure. breath hitching, kaz gradually leans into it, the ache between his legs telling him nikolai belongs there, here, all over him. it’s hardly different from having those blackened fingers in his mouth, where they hadn’t ruined him because nikolai is still alive. he might even live well, if the heart can help him. one hand squeezes the nape of his neck while the other grips his hip hard enough to bruise. ]

Tight. [ like the pleasant burn of a stretched muscle. a soft sound, holding the space while he searches for unused words. nikolai crooks his finger before he reaches them, mouth suspended in an o over a low moan, eyes bright with the surprise of sincere desire. his asshole clenches at nikolai’s fingertip, desperate to draw him inside, cock twitching. ] Good. Keep —

[ and then it’s gone, an ache unanswered. does he want me to ask for it? nikolai surrounds him and lifts him before he can decide whether he’s willing to beg, his legs locking at the waist, arms tightening at his shoulders and back. an indignant sound rises into a short laugh. ] It killed you to be still the last time, didn’t it. [ annoyed and astonished that anyone would think to carry him, but he’s quick to kiss nikolai’s cheek, nosing under his jaw affectionally and sucking a mark at his throat to match the one fading at his neck.

on the bed, he pulls nikolai to him as eagerly as he had in the cave, legs parted to invite him closer, hands urging at his back. he kisses nikolai like he’ll never get the chance again, groaning both when nikolai takes him in hand and when nikolai lets him go. if he weren’t worried he’d drown in water this deep on his own, he might bristle more at being led. as things are, he eases onto his hands and knees, breath coming in pants, and he can’t help but make a plaintive noise at the doubled pressure inside him, pushing back slowly, intuitively. he knows the exact point where nikolai renews a mark, moaning softly at the thought of it. another thing he didn’t have to ask for.

this is different. a cession of control, a clamor of sensation, especially for someone unused to any kind of contact. and still not enough, want burning brighter and hotter — ]

Want this. [ knows that’s not what nikolai means, but he’s working up to it, hands curling in the comforter. he thinks about how much nikolai gives him, full of warmth and light where kaz has only dregs of the stuff to offer in return. he thinks of how much more nikolai wants to give him, if only he’d ask. his heart judders in his chest. ] Want more — deeper. [ he swallows thickly, voice strained. ] Want you to fuck me.

[ just you. hasn’t thought of anyone else like this, smothering desires of this kind long before they could flicker into fantasy. ]

[ he asked kaz to ask, and yet it still surprises him when he does it so plainly, sending a shock of pleasure curling through him as if kaz had wrapped his hand around him and touched him. it's rough, crude, like most things about him — want you to fuck me, raw desire, no finesse beyond that, but nikolai is proud to hear it anyway and more than pleased to oblige. fingers first. he's all the way in now, with kaz feeling so breakable in his careless hands. he has to be better here, now more than ever. he's done so much wrong that he at least has to be able to get this right.

kaz pushes back against him, a promising sign, soft little noises in his throat. he eases his fingers in and out, slow at first, then building to a gentle speed, his free hand ghosting along his cock, then tracing the line of his torso as his moves up, wrapping his fingers gently around his throat. he tips his chin up so he can see the silhouette of his face, the tip of his nose nuzzling into his cheek. ]

You're warm. [ something he doesn't mean to come out, too close to a clue that he's cold. he angles his fingers, pushes them in hard, finds kaz's mouth to kiss away his moans as he moves them inside of him. finds that thin rope of scar tissue at his throat and traces it softly — regrets it immediately, because he imagines him in a prison with his throat cut open, only it's his black-clawed hands tipped in blood, the taste of it fresh in his mouth. he pulls both of his hands away, drawing in a sharp breath, blinking back the image. it's the monster playing tricks on him — no, not the monster, just his own scattered mind that he needs to get a hold of. don't ruin this, too.

he smiles, meeting any questions kaz might have with a quick kiss, dragging him down to a pile of fluffy pillows and knocking him to his back, tumbling down with him so he can deepen the kiss while sliding his tongue past his lips. warm. no blood, no snow. he curls a hand through his hair, gentle, as if reminding himself that he's whole and real and here, and then coaxes kaz's legs open, gripping his cock and dragging his thumb along the wetness dripping from the tip. ]

I want this to be good for you. [ not a want. a need. he draws back with a fleeting kiss, lifting kaz's hips, admiring the way he looks beneath him, a pink flush traveling down his skin. he's always urged kaz to stay in these moments, and kaz has asked the same of him. he should listen. he's trying. he touches his own cock, slick and aching, carefully guiding it between kaz's legs. this has never seemed so difficult before, so weighted, and he realizes it's because it's never really meant as much as this. he was so young with dominik, fumbling and needy, no importance placed on this when they had an entire country to make their mark upon. no one else after meant anything even close to that. but with kaz, suddenly this means everything.

a strained breath flutters from his chest when he gently pushes in, unbearably slow, heat of an indescribable intensity enveloping him from the inside. he keeps his hips steady, hand sliding up kaz's waist to glide to the small of his back, lifting him carefully from the bed just so. it takes every bit of his self control not to just push in. he listens to the pull of kaz's body, slows when he feels him straining. watches him carefully and stays in this moment, marveling that he has kaz brekker in this bed. that at least for now, nikolai is allowed to be his. ]

It's okay. [ he eases down, finding kaz's hands and pressing them gently into the mattress, lacing their fingers together. he kisses his damp cheek, soothes his lips over kaz's panting mouth. he stills his hips, blond strands falling into his eyes. ] Stay with me, Kaz. Like you always do.

[ hard to say if that’s exactly what nikolai wanted to hear, but it seems to encourage him, resulting in a motion so purposeful that it pushes another cry from his mouth. content to let nikolai ease the way and set the pace, kaz only clumsily strives to match his rhythm as his hand skims higher. wishes he could touch and see nikolai, made more real in his gaze and grasp, but it feels as though kaz has already asked so much of him. too much. more than he can give, certainly.

nikolai is frightfully close, besides, a comforting weight over him, alongside him. you’re warm echoes strangely in his skull, the pitch slightly off, but he can’t dwell on it, thoughts shattering as nikolai thrusts hard, grazing somewhere deep and sensitive that wrings a gasp from his lungs. no kiss can obscure the shock of nikolai pulling from him, however. immediately, kaz recognises the look of a man caught between two places, fearful of one and clinging to another. where did you go? slides to the tip of his tongue but the answer crashes into his teeth: somewhere within the monster’s grasp, vision flecked with red and dotted with bodies.

for a moment, he lets nikolai refocus, uninterrupted by questions or concerns. his own worries could be mistaken for mere affection, flowing from his sure hands, finally able to reach nikolai after being bereft for agonising minutes. they cradle his face, thumb arcing over his cheek; tuck the blond strands behind his ears; smooth over his shoulder, down his torso to squeeze his hip, then his cock. kisses featherlight at the corner of his perfect mouth, the tense line of his jaw. all actions that say i’m here, i’m here, with you because i want to be. although his legs fall open and his hands drop aside to let nikolai retake the lead, kaz first hitches higher on his elbows to catch nikolai’s gaze, bright against his constellation of freckles. it’s obvious how much he cares, nerves creasing his brow, earnest hope lighting those eyes he adores — kaz’s chest pangs over ever having doubted him. ]

[ his voice scrapes his throat, heavy with want. ] It’s already good for me. It’s you. [ like it’s simple, like nikolai himself is enough. kaz tips back without instruction, a renewed rush of vulnerability loosing a ragged exhale. suddenly, he’s too aware of how exposed he is, how frayed each nerve feels, angled for nikolai to see and touch things no one else has ever dared. his gaze swings to the unfamiliar ceiling before he nods back to nikolai. half of him begs to seize control, while the other just aches to have nikolai between his thighs, the absurd, overwhelming desire for him flushing his skin anew. (you’re so warm, distant but still intelligible, because nikolai is the cold one, for once.) he lifts his hips when nikolai slides a pillow beneath them, grasping his bicep to steady them both. cock hard and waiting even without nikolai’s attention.

never wanted anything, anyone like this. a desire to disassemble and reassemble every part of nikolai, a miracle of bones and sinew in a quavering frame, whirring with life. didn’t even think himself capable of this wanting, let alone having so intimately. an unprecedented closeness. it’s staggering. awe parts his mouth. with a stuttered inhale, the head of nikolai’s cock pushes past the initial ring of resistance. his fingers indent nikolai’s arm as his other hand fists in the bedspread. it’s easier from there, in a way. fuller, in other. this time, he has nikolai filling his vision (just like he wanted but hadn’t asked for), answering the impossible ache inside him, a tender sort of focus on his face. ]

I know. [ bothered and glad for it, all his hard angles softened. how many times must he say it? i know because it’s you. even when the current drags him elsewhere, he finds his way back. nikolai will do the same for him tonight — and after that. a minor drift is cut short by nikolai entwining their fingers and winding his arms down. kaz blinks until he recalibrates, grounding himself in the strength of those lightning-struck hands, electricity crackling from their clasp, thrumming through his veins and zipping down his spine.

an incremental stretch to the limit still reaches the limit in question. cold radiates outward from his pelvis, warmth fighting to cover the same ground. ] I’m with you. [ a breathless assurance. ] It’s good. Just — wait. [ in the span of heartbeats, he catches nikolai’s mouth with a tip of his head, soothing the nerves rubbed raw. ] Okay. Okay. Keep going. [ spine arching to urge him on and puzzle out the distinct mechanics of how they fit together, flush against each other. a wounded animal noise slips past his defences, fingers tightening their hold. ] Only ever wanted you like this — Nikolai, please. [ too keyed up to make the conscious decision to hold back words of that kind any longer. it’s far more important — vital even, that nikolai know how much he’s needed. ]

[ i'm with you, words he desperately clings to as he struggles to remain here in this moment. the depth of kaz's emotion crests over him, pulling him back, their mouths brushing as his hips stutter at kaz's command, pressing in until he's flush between his legs. heat pools between them, impossibly good, and he doesn't know how he manages to remain still, but he does, allowing kaz time to adjust to the feeling of this. he tries not to think about how he needs the moment to pull himself together, how he's worried that he can't. ]

Good. [ he noses along kaz's cheek, lashes fluttering along his skin. ] You're doing good. You feel — feel so good. [ and it's more than just the sensation coursing through his body. it's the way kaz looks at him now, like he's seeing too much of him and still not turning away, like nikolai is still something to be handled tenderly, to be treated with such care after the things he's done. kaz keeps giving him more than he deserves, keeps toeing the line between life and death just for him. what if he hadn't come back? it makes him hold him tighter, makes it even worse to know he has to let him go.

gently, he moves his hips, testing out a careful rhythm. one hand loosens its hold to grip kaz's wounded thigh, drawing his leg around his waist. a ragged breath escapes him, his eyes closing — bright blood, pale snow, images flickering behind his lids. he buries his face in the soft space beneath kaz's ear, another breath pulled haggardly into his lungs. don't ruin this. he lifts his gaze, tipping their mouths together, finding the blue of kaz's eyes to anchor him here. ]

I've thought about you like this for so long. [ prefacing a kiss, his tongue sliding past his lips, a desperate attempt to get the taste of blood out of his mouth. the pleasure and terror warring in his mind feels like it might tear him in two, hips pushing more roughly into kaz now, careful to watch for signs that he can't take any more. ] It's better — better than I imagined.

[ and so much worse, because in his fantasies he never balanced so precariously on such a thin line between desire and death. stay, he thinks to himself, and still he feels his mind veering, dropping his face to hide in kaz's throat again, a softly strangled moan pushing out of him. he shudders with each snap of his hips, trying to focus his hopelessly scattered mind — pieces of himself strewn across bloodstained snow, pieces of himself held in kaz's nimble hands, pieces of himself lost in places he can't reach. ]

Keep me here. [ a ragged whisper, out before he can snatch the words back. a request he never meant to say aloud, a burden he never wanted to drop so squarely onto kaz's wounded shoulders. an impossible task, one kaz has already confessed to not knowing how to tackle that terrible night in novyi zem. guilt floods him. he uncurls their other hand so he can trace gentle fingers along kaz's sharp cheekbones. ] Will you — touch yourself? Let me see your face while you do.

[ sensation layered and doubling, aligned with the whole of him, from where nikolai pushes flush to the lashes kissing his cheek. it’s as if liquid heat pours out of him and fills kaz up. his mouth stretches over a long, low groan. the assurance, the praise sparks his attention, blues flashing in answer. already, something tugs low, a call to chase, hips canting up in response. ]

Hah — [ the pain-pleasure of nikolai gripping his thigh, like pressing a bruise. ] So do you. [ as quick to learn in this as kaz is in all things, locking a leg at nikolai’s waist when guided back. his free hand swiftly plunges into nikolai’s hair, tangling firm to drag him into every kiss. and trap him at the hollow of kaz’s throat, too, the only security he can offer against those shuddering breaths.

for so long, he says, and that seems impossible. well, improbable, but then so is the way nikolai curves over him, setting a galvanising pace that has kaz rocking up against him, legato pants only broken on the rebound. strangely gratifying, to imagine nikolai thinking of him like this when kaz had still been trying not to look for too long, skin prickling every time he was caught. in an instant, the reverse occurs — nikolai definitively exposed, rib cage opened up so kaz can see and seize his heart. his pulse pangs at the sight, a throbbing that reaches the still-molten core of him.

scenarios shuffle in his mind, the next play selected with expedient precision. no time to overthink. ]

[ gently, ] I can’t. [ keep him, even though kaz said he would and meant it. the mistake he made in novyi zen was the first domino that clattered down, knocking block after block until they stained the fjerdan snowscapes crimson. his fault, as much as nikolai’s. all his miscalculations added to their inevitable sum. even so, any guilt kaz experiences is on behalf of but one person, though others paid with their lives. he squeezes the nape of nikolai’s neck, blunt nails scratching the skin. ] Let go, and then find your way back.

[ nikolai should know this refrain after all the times kaz has been pulled under in his arms — after begging him to still, when they actually fell into the sea. if you fight the riptide, you’re more likely to drown, after all. you have to let the current carry you out before you can swim back to shore. or, as inej might say, the trick is in knowing how to fall. always time for unsolicited advice from the philosopher crook, even if that means pausing or stopping this affair entirely. there’s no point in being here and having this without nikolai able to enjoy it.

black-tipped fingers flutter in his periphery. kaz tilts his head just so, brushing his lips over nikolai’s palm in acknowledgement of his request and shakiness both. if nikolai finds himself floating, kaz can be the counterweight for a change. he must. ]

Back to my voice. [ he slips his other hand between them, skimming over the flat of his stomach before gripping his cock and letting a ragged sound spill from his lips where he’d normally hush it. can feel himself tighten around nikolai, new but good. his nimble fingers gather wetness from the tip and stroke down his length. it’s immediately clear that he won’t last like this, with nikolai sliding in and out while his own confidence mounts, meeting each thrust. a ratcheting intensity. his features loosen, grin sudden and boyish as head falls back, throat bared. ] My face. [ that nikolai seems partial to, obviously. a visual and tactile learner, he thinks wryly, hooking a protective arm across his shoulders. desperate as he is, kaz won’t push onward unless nikolai’s shaky pieces reassemble in his hold. some things are too precious to risk. ]

[ i can't. a strange relief to hear it, that he won't have to pry this guilt from kaz's fingers like last time. he can't. no one can. nikolai can hardly manage the job himself, a miserable task he wouldn't wish on anyone. a mind like his, an impossible energy like this, now a curse thrown on top of something already wildly unmanageable... who would even want to? kaz looks at him like he's something he's not, seeing things that just can't be there, because there's no way he deserves to be the sole focus of his tender gaze, no way he deserves all the danger he puts himself through just to be here with him. ]

I can't. [ let go. a quiet whisper, a match to his words. letting go comes with too much risk. what will he see, what will he do? you used to be overfond of risk. what's so different now? throwing his own life to chance has always been a terrifying exhilaration, a high stakes gamble he'd be handsomely rewarded for. he loved the thrill, despised that he couldn't live without it, dreaded that he'd have to come back to court and leave his sensational, patchwork life behind to rescue his beloved country that his parents drove into the ground. he'd still done it. and yet this seems impossible, here, now, to give up the smallest bit of control even when it feels like holding on will kill him.

is he the drowning man now? kaz pulls his focus back, gripping his neck, and nikolai tries to find the sky in his eyes again, steady, clear. fjerda's skies are too pale, ketterdam's skies too dreary. kaz's eyes are like a ravkan sky in the deep evening, still aglow with the light of the sun, the pinks and oranges already washed away, a view he's admired many nights from the palace terraces. let go, and then find your way back. but the sky is so vast and he doesn't want to admit to the fear at home in his veins. does he know? he has to. kaz always seems to know, when it comes to him.

his lips flutter over his palm, nikolai's fingers twitching in surprise. the scars don't bother him the way they used to, but he doesn't think he'll ever be comfortable when he looks at the stains marking his fingers, the shadows trailing down to his wrists. doesn't think he'll ever be thrilled to remove his gloves in public when the situation requires it of him. doesn't think he's ever felt lips on his marred hands until kaz decided his belonged there. it hits him at once that he's fucking kaz brekker in a fjerdan palace, and kaz isn't drowning, isn't turning away, but instead leading him away from cold, bloodstained snow and back into the circle of his arms. what stars had to align for this moment to happen, he doesn't know. he's grateful to them anyway. ]

Okay. [ it's all he can give. he has to try. he'll always try. and if he falls, it's with kaz. a risk he can take.

kaz complies with his request — and not just complies, but eagerly so, wearing his pleasure openly in a way he couldn't have managed when all of this began. nikolai's brow tightens when kaz clenches around him, trailing sparks of heat with each drag of his hips. the column of his throat stretches before him like an invitation, and for one terrible moment he imagines teeth sinking into flesh and delicate bone, the hot rush of blood filling his mouth. briefly, he shuts his eyes. back to my voice. ]

Keep talking. [ he rises, arms around kaz as he pulls him up with him, seated in his lap and pressed deep inside of him. ] And don't come yet. [ a different ask from his usual race to push kaz over the edge again and again, this time wanting to prolong the moment, to make him feel every bit of this. he thrusts into him in a steady rhythm, gaze tilted up to watch his face hungrily, committing these sounds and sights to memory to fill the loneliness of what comes next.

find your way back. he pushes the thought from his mind, his mouth pressing carefully to kaz's jumping pulse. his world narrows to the rush of blood, the salt of his skin, the rapid pounding of his heart. or is it his own? kaz makes a sound and for a moment he's terrified his fangs have found a way into his throat, but it's a sound of pleasure from the snap of his hips, tremors gripping his body. no blood. sweat slides down his temple, darkening his hair. he can taste it on kaz's skin, different from the taste of blood. it's all different. it's warm here, and kaz has his arms around him, and when was the last time someone held him like this? he kisses kaz's throat again, the sharp line of his jaw, the bruise he left for him to remember, and he keeps one arm braced securely around him while his other strays to kaz's wet cock, fingers rough as he grips him tightly. ]

Do you want to come? [ he noses at kaz's jaw, watching every thrust shake him apart more and more, a soft whine in his throat at the mere sight. he's just barely holding on, his hips stuttering with the need to let go. he drags his thumb down kaz's weeping tip and exhales in a shudder when he tightens around him again. ] Ask.

Edited (stupidity) 2021-08-23 03:55 (UTC)

[ kaz suspects the stakes of this relationship, whatever blurred categories it falls into, have risen higher than either of them anticipated. there’s the last glimmer of resistance, held in nikolai’s fearful eyes and tense frame — kaz sees that because he knows himself and nikolai both, with their unquiet minds, always buzzing, often worrying. has been cataloging nikolai's tells since his gold-dusted stare illuminated the wound in his chest. they share a tendency to go away inside, stubbornness locking down what troubles them for as long as they can manage.

so, that nikolai will try to let go is enough. no word more hopeful than okay, tentative as it is, possibility secure inside it. the promise eases kaz’s posture even though nikolai swiftly asks for more from him. more words when he’s spent all that he has; restraint, when he’s never felt desire like this. nikolai is always striving for the best, the most. insatiable. kaz tries to disguise a whimper as a scoff when nikolai tells him not to come, eyes closing and re-opening as he digs his fingers into nikolai’s hip instead.

worth it, however, to have nikolai returned to him, kissing at his vulnerable points, arm gallantly winding at his waist, fucking into him with renewed focus. and looking at him like — saints, like there’s enough of kaz left to answer the hunger etched into his face. in truth, all kaz can do is try to reflect a sliver of the light nikolai has shone on him. ]

There you are. [ a conscious effort to vocalise his thoughts, just as nikolai asked of him. kaz huffs it out as he shifts his weight, thighs splayed and trembling on nikolai’s lap. not unlike how he'd been positioned the first-to-second time, armoured and hesitant. different now, closer than he’s ever been and still clinging tight enough to melt their skin together, with nikolai bucking deeper and deeper inside him. foreheads bumping, his lips graze nikolai’s cheek. on an impulse, he skates his hand up nikolai’s side, catching on every notch of his ribs, over the curve of his shoulder, up his throat to curl at his jaw. doesn’t have enough hands to touch everywhere he wants at once, but it helps commit the topography to memory. for as long as this night lasts, kaz can keep him. ]

My demanding Nikolai. [ gaze slitted and mouth quirked, indignation made altogether fond. keep talking. if it’s the last time, the last chance to convey all the things kaz likes about him — ] Greedy, brave, [ praise scattering across uneven breaths and sloppy kisses. ] clever, impossible, perfect.

[ nikolai takes him in hand, and he almost folds, caught between the urge to push up into his grip and down onto his cock. face hot, burning up with the need and the thought of nikolai’s pending request. must he ask for everything now? the flex of sweat-slick skin beneath him, beside him, all over him is an unending distraction. ]

I want to — [ thrown off by a particularly sweet thrust, reveling in the noise nikolai makes. eyes wild and pupils blown by the sight of nikolai looking as shipwrecked as feels. good. every nerve alights, the sense of a wave cresting over him. his voice strains. ] Let me come, Nikolai. [ a hiccuping breath. it almost crashes into him then, how much he wants nikolai, how he’s begging for it — and so what if he is? no harm in giving up crushed sounds every time nikolai rings somewhere true. who can kaz hurt but himself by admitting how gone he is for nikolai lantsov? ] Please touch me. And don’t — don’t stop moving until you finish. [ he squeezes his muscles with intent. ] Want to feel you.

[ he holds back through the sheer force of his iron will, stubbornly unwilling to let this moment end. it's not enough. he suspects even breaking kaz open and allowing all the dark, glittering parts of him to see the light still wouldn't be enough to match the longing he feels for him. he wants him in his arms always, wants to see his gloomy scowls, wants to feel his nimble fingers at work. still wants him in his bed, just for one night. all the things he can't have, shouldn't have, not when he's unraveling so rapidly, hands and teeth stained with blood. the pull between them is too taut now. the thought of letting go devastates him.

but he can't hold onto him like this, can't dig his claws in and keep him out of his own selfish need. he'll wake up one day and find kaz's broken body beneath him. already knows the taste of his blood and the give of his flesh and muscle beneath the rend of his black-tipped talons. he tries to put the thought out of his head, but it runs parallel to his desire, a sharp ache that colors the pleasure begging to spill over, amplified by the way kaz touches him and allows the truth to fall from his lips. demanding, greedy, brave. it's a shock to hear it from kaz, his faults mixed with the good, somehow making it all sound worthy of his affection. ]

You want to? [ a soft little mockery, a breathless laugh as he finds his mouth and kisses him as if he isn't afraid and doesn't feel tiny fractures growing in his heart — not a new feeling, but it hurts worse every time. pressure builds, his hips growing erratic, a moan dragged from his lips. please touch me, so raw that it aches, his begging as jarring as it is arresting. how can he go without this, without kaz in his orbit? why does he have to give up everything? why does morning always have to come?

kaz's muscles clench, and it's too much, his hand roughly stripping his cock, reveling in the broken sounds kaz makes for him. he can feel kaz's orgasm grip his body, holding him taut, and with a flick of his wrist he sends him over the edge, watching in greedy fascination as kaz shudders in his arms, spilling wet between them. it's enough that he can't hold on any longer, the contraction of his muscles too tight, and nikolai gasps out a breath, burying his face in kaz's throat with a drawn-out groan as he comes inside of him. it's impossibly good, the pulsing heat of kaz's body, the way they both cling to each other as if they'll otherwise fall apart. he will. he needs this moment to last, needs to hold on for as long as he can, because there is nothing good coming after this.

on his side, he brings kaz back down to the bed, arm drawn tightly around his waist as he kisses him, still pushed deep inside of him as his cock softens, tremors moving through his body. his hand slides between kaz's legs when he does draw his hips away, fingers pushing shallowly inside of him to smear through the leaking wetness traveling down his thigh. ]

You could stay. [ soft, quiet nonsense. things bubbling out of him that have no real place to go. his jagged breath catches. ] You and me on the sea together. We don't ever have to go back. Just... together every night. Having adventures every day. The perfect sort of life. [ he swallows, lifting a hand to curl through kaz's hair, fingers gliding gently along the sweat at his temples. his thumb brushes the color at his cheek before he leans in, pressing his lips to the corner of his mouth. a whisper — ] Just say yes. Just... say you want to as badly as I do.

Edited (emotions) 2021-08-26 02:38 (UTC)

[ kaz almost bristles at being teased, kissing back desperately, like he has something to prove. maybe he does, since nikolai appears to doubt his worth in the face of all their troubles. the moment rushes past, vision blurring as he comes hard. a cry wraps around nikolai’s name. can’t be long before nikolai fits his head under the curve of his jaw, like a key in a lock, and kaz keeps panting in his hair, sensations still rippling through him. full hot wet inside him, arms tight around his shoulders. he smudges a kiss at his temple as the trembling slows, relieved that nikolai holds on for as long as he does. better to hold onto this for as long as they can, with morning looming overhead.

it takes several blinks to come to himself: on his side in a royal bed with nikolai lantsov, hyper-aware of the way his ribs expand and contract with every breath. astounding, how they’ve found themselves just left of what they both want.

one soft sound after the other, then, when nikolai pulls away from him, only to ease the sudden emptiness with his fingers. he’s slick from the inside in a way that burns his cheeks. always too much with nikolai. and never enough.

you could stay. his eyes crack, brow creasing at the implication. the recollection of the last time he gave in to nikolai’s impossible wants and was denied in daylight flashes before him. it’s not a trap if you know about it, he tells himself. and kaz has known since novyi zem that these promises of romantic futures are snares laid in his path. it’s unfair how much nikolai asks of him in these delicate moments, things kaz never would have thought of if nikolai hadn’t crafted and extended them in a shaky hand. he tips his head to catch nikolai’s mouth in a proper kiss, delaying his answer. as a rule, he prefers harsh truths to sweet lies, but for one night — if the former is the only comfort he can offer — kaz exhales audibly. ]

Perfect for you, getting bronzed. [ a wry thing. his bare hand smooths down nikolai’s spine, a rarity to touch him, anyone, so freely. ] Less perfect for me, getting sunburnt.

[ away from his shadowed place in this world. it’s a boy’s fantasy. a prince’s daydream. still, he can’t think of nikolai’s loose expression as anything but sweet. charming, even. it startled him, at first — and surprises him even now, how much nikolai wants him. every night. every day. all the time, if only in unreality. more than that, kaz remains shocked by how much he wants nikolai in turn. as fond of solitude and quiet as he is, nikolai’s presence has often improved his mood, despite those melancholic tendencies. the thought of spending time with him indefinitely, without ulterior motive, seems frightening but not destructive. a captivating prospect, out of reach though it is. his mouth quirks. ]

Whatever it is you’re asking, [ gently teasing, since he doubts even nikolai knows what he means, caught in the brambles of his mind, like always. ] I say yes. [ covering the hand at his cheek, thumb arcing over his knuckles. ] Because I want you very badly. [ any and every way kaz can have him. a quick kiss seals the deal. ] Enough to spend — one third of my days at sea. [ he clicks his tongue, feigning thoughtfulness. ] Perhaps half, if you enhance the offer.

[ if he’s indulging this fantasy, it ought to meet his own exacting standards. ]

Edited (words) 2021-08-28 07:45 (UTC)

[ he always wants to stay in this moment, warm and desperate and painful as it is, a fragile bubble, an impossible dream. this moment where kaz is bared and vulnerable in his arms, unused to the way his own desires flush his skin, sharing his rare, gentle smiles with him. this moment where kaz kisses him freely, touches him with abandon. when will this come again? nikolai curves closer to him, a sigh pulled from his chest as he smiles softly, carefully. he doesn't want to break this bubble, not yet. ]

You and the sun just haven't made friends yet. [ never mind that they likely will never make friends, but nikolai will always be fond of the way the sunlight looks against kaz's skin anyway. having kaz at sea with him has been an unexpected gift, one he never expected to be so devastated to lose. never expected many things about this — kaz in his bed, kaz in his arms, kaz's mouth pressed against his own. can barely remember how this all began, with the startling knowledge of kaz's inability to touch others, and now he can't bear the idea of letting him go. ] I'm afraid I don't have any more kingdoms to offer to sweeten the deal, but you seem to enjoy my other talents.

[ he crooks his fingers inside of him to demonstrate, a slick, lazy motion as he chases his kiss indulgently. could do this all night since he doesn't plan to sleep, but as he's released from the grips of pleasure and floats back down to unrelenting reality, he's thinking now of their long days spent apart, of the state he left kaz in and all the unknowns since then. he traces the bandages at his shoulder and up his neck, at his thigh, the bruises imprinted into his pale skin beside old scars and corded muscle. kaz goes too far for him every time. one person can only manufacture so much luck. better then, that this is at an end — a bitter truth he'll have to swallow down many times before he can make himself believe it. ]

What did you do to get the heart? [ how many times did he face death? how many people did he kill? a silly thing for nikolai to concern himself with when his hands are so stained with blood, but he worries all the same. what if he hadn't come back? he wants the crown to be done with sending kaz brekker on jobs like this, ravka's future be damned. he'll find another way. he always has. wet fingers pull out of him, tracing his thigh, ghosting along the softness of his cock. he leaves a damp trail along the silhouette of his torso, sketching the neat lines of his body. he's never put his mind to drawing a person before. ] You can rest now. I know you haven't taken the time to in days.

[ another fantasy, too twisted to be real, but it's what they have. he kisses him again softly, quieting any protest that kaz might think to give, tightening his arm around his waist. ] I don't know when I'll see you again. [ a quiet whisper, the unraveling of another truth he doesn't want to face. but worse than not knowing when he might see him again is the thought that kaz might shutter himself away once more, locking all of his wants into that quiet, untended place inside of him. his fingertips trace the line of his brows, skim down one sharp cheekbone. ] Regardless, you should still try and get some sun every once in a while. It suits you more than you think.

[ as ever, nikolai has a quick response for everything — words and hands teasing. it feels good. not chasing an outcome, just lingering in the feeling.

after nikolai kisses the instinctive rebuff from his mouth, kaz’s brow furrows for a moment and then smooths out. a visible calculation of the angle required to approach this conversation, maths based on where nikolai touches him along the edges of his bandages, and nikolai’s consistent tendency to tumble down a steeper drop after the highs of togetherness or another win fade. perhaps he doesn’t think he deserves untainted moments like that, or maybe he just can’t stop his thoughts from barreling onward. he has sympathy for the affliction, at any rate.

folding an arm under his head, kaz settles in for a conversation that requires more alertness and judiciousness than he likely has in his reserves. no doubt he should get the rest nikolai urges him to, but it seems a waste of precious, dwindling time. why sleep when he doesn’t know when he’ll see nikolai next? let alone if it will ever be like this again. their closeness seems so fragile, supported by a constellation of factors like to tip out of alignment. unequivocally, kaz believes nikolai can face the monster inside him. what he isn’t sure of is, well, whether nikolai will want him beyond the liminal space they’ve carved out of this job, a delicate creation supported by a shared loneliness. an untenable circumstance. ]

[ slowly, ] Nothing I haven’t done before. [ he rolls up his shoulders, a slight shrug. ] Nothing I won’t do again. [ fight, bleed, stumble, and survive by the skin of his teeth. it feels important to clarify that, when nikolai is prone to centering his role in suffering and schemes far too big for one man. with or without nikolai, kaz brekker will balance his life on the crux of risks, undertaking jobs that promise danger as much as fortune. his unquiet mind can’t leave a puzzle untouched or a heist unsolved. as he speaks, his voice remains neutral. ] I could be persuaded to share the details of my week, if your memory of the same period improves.

[ all that time nikolai spent alone in the snow. he closes his eyes as nikolai’s fingertips map his features, nose scrunching at the ticklish sensation. funny that the sun should recommend itself unknowingly. it makes him wonder if that’s true — if their travels or nikolai’s company do suit him, in some way. even misfortunes have been better with nikolai. thrilling, to have someone keep up — to challenge him in turn, as frustrating as that can be, too. overall, it’s a terribly dangerous and profoundly unhelpful thing to consider, when kaz lacks the means to keep him. i don’t know when i’ll see you again. it’s hard enough to stay awake with him now, surrounded by warmth on all sides.

he lifts his hand to catch nikolai’s arm and squeeze, assuring in one of the only ways he knows how to offer. another kiss, sleepier than the last. ]

I’ll see what I can do about the sun. [ a mild smile to himself. ] He can be difficult to tie down, but he knows where to find me. [ eyes flashing and shuttering, the implication obvious. if kaz can lay claim to any virtue, his best bet would be patience. he’s an old hand at waiting, after all. for respect, revenge, opportunity. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

( open post )

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject