( open post )

[ravkas]

Comments

[peasant]

intentions don't matter. actions do.
what's best for me was never for you to decide.
maybe you're arrogant enough to believe you're playing the hero, but i have no interest in being your damsel in distress.
especially when you sound so much like him right now.
i hope you and zoya have a very miserable life together.

[ravkas]

alina, i don't mean to be a hero and you're certainly no damsel.
this is part of a plan i've been working on for some time. i just needed to get closer to morozova, so i asked zoya to do some seducing. she agreed. she's dating him with the intention of getting information from him. we've talked at length about this.
i would have done it myself if i was more his type.
it's important that this deception doesn't get back to him. zoya would be in danger. that's why i need to know who told you.

[peasant]

no one who would say anything to him. that's all i'm giving you.
it says a lot about your priorities that your concern is over your plan and not the people you've used as pawns in your stupid scheme.
it's good to know you would have done to me what zoya did to mal, though. you've shown me what's more important to you.

maybe next time you invent a plan, you and zoya will consider that the people you're fucking over in the process have feelings of their own.
zoya might forgive you for whoring her out to a criminal, but you hurt mal.
and you milked me for information on aleksander.
how much of her little act is based on me? be honest.
and don't bother denying anything. i'm not stupid. i can put the pieces together.

[ravkas]

it's mal, isn't it? i have to say i'm surprised zoya let that slip.
for the record, i didn't tell her to stop seeing mal. i merely pointed out that it might be difficult to juggle two relationships at once, one of which requires a great deal of quick-thinking and deception.
i told you. she agreed to this. it was her choice.
she's not a simple pawn in my schemes and i'm not whoring her out. zoya is my closest friend and there's nothing i wouldn't do for her. the moment she feels like something is wrong, she's out.

that's not fair, alina. you can't assume to know what i would've done.
i will admit that it crossed my mind several times to get information out of you, but i never meant to push you to talk. i didn't. i care about you more than that.
zoya is doing this her own way. she said she can't act like anyone but herself, but i did share a few things you told me about him.
morozova seems taken with her regardless.
i'm truly sorry that i broke your trust, but i never hid my ambitions from you. you always knew how i felt about him, and i told you that i can't allow him to get his hands on my father's private facility.
the damage he'd inflict would be irrevocable.

[peasant]

then i'll be as angry with her as i am with you. you can both share the blame.
especially when you've been sharing stories that were never yours to tell.
they were mine, and you decided to use that suffering to fuel whatever revenge plan you have.
congratulations on lowering yourself to aleksander's level.

i don't care if i'm being fair to you or not. when was keeping secrets fair to me?
you did just admit you would have done it yourself if you could have gotten away with it. if you were his type.
and you would have hidden that from me, too. it doesn't take much to figure that out.
so stop telling me you care about me. i don't want to hear it.

for the record, apologies don't count when you continue with "but".
apology not accepted.
i hope your ambitions and your pristine family legacy are worth it.

[ravkas]

i'm sorry, alina. truly.
that was wrong of me to do.
i knew it was wrong the moment i did it, and i should have told you then.

i know what i said to you, and i'm telling you i wouldn't have handled things the way zoya chose to.
i wouldn't have left you. i couldn't have. i would have told you the truth.
will you come over? i'll send a car. i want to see you. i want to explain in person.

[peasant]

yeah, you should have.
but you didn't.
i do believe you're sorry, though. sorry you were caught.
sorry you have to answer for any of this.
you would have been happy to pretend it all away if i hadn't heard it from someone else.

at least your hypothetical self has some sense of shame.
you've explained enough, nikolai. fancy words aren't going to fix anything.
and honestly, i don't want to see you or zoya right now.

[ravkas]

i just didn't want you anywhere near this.
you already see him enough. you've dealt with him enough.
try and see it from my perspective. i care about you a great deal and the last thing i wanted to do was drag you into an obsession that i've had for years. an obsession directly related to someone who hurt you and continues to do so.
i didn't want our relationship to become this. to become about him.

zoya is with him. it's just me.
alina, i can't call this off, but i can't lose you, either.
i understand if you don't want to see me, but i'm not willing to give up on us.

[peasant]

i'll say it again: that wasn't your choice to make.
you care about zoya and had no problem throwing her into this, so let's not pretend this has anything to do with you caring about me.
it's about you deciding what was more important to you, and your obsession won out over both zoya and i.
he's going to figure it out, you know, and it won't take long.
if something happens to her, that's on you.
i don't care if it's "her choice". you still asked her to do this knowing she would do whatever it takes for you.

of course she is.
you'll have to forgive me if i don't believe that, either. you've acted like we were doomed from the start.

[ravkas]

is that how i seem to you?
unfeeling, uncaring of what happens to the people closest to me if only my goals can be realized?
i'm not my father, alina. but aleksander can't be dealt with without hard choices.
i do care about you, and i won't stop saying it just because you no longer believe it's the truth.

i don't want to tell you that story now.
it's unrelated and this is poor timing for your pity.
i did believe we were doomed from the start. it's true. i didn't want to try.
but the more i got to know you, the more i knew i couldn't let you slip by just because i was afraid.
what's between us has never been a lie. never.
are you so ready to let this go?

[peasant]

i don't know how you seem to me.
the nikolai i thought i knew wouldn't have deliberately kept something this big from me, so i guess i don't really know you after all.
those hard choices you're talking about are the same ones that he would make.
if you want to act like him, fine. but don't expect me to stand by and watch it happen.

yeah, because i'm so special.
you've done a really great job of proving that.
i'm not, and i never said i was. don't put words in my mouth.
but i'm not ready to forgive you, either.

[ravkas]

be angry at me. i deserve it.
but it doesn't change the fact that i still don't want you involved in this.

you are special.
poorly demonstrated by me, but it doesn't make it any less true.
i want to be happy again one day. with you.
if you want space, i understand.
just tell me what it is you need from me.
i want to make this right.

[peasant]

i was involved in this before you ever knew me.
i’m not going to stop zoya, if that’s what you’re worried about.
you would both deserve it if i did, but i won’t.
only because i don’t want her getting hurt.

it wasn’t so long ago that you weren’t sure that you could be happy.
punching you might make me feel better for a minute or two.
i don’t know what i need from you, nikolai.
or if you can even provide it. it’s not that simple. this isn’t an equation you can magically solve.
you’ve been “somewhat absent” anyway, remember?

[ravkas]

i was as well, alina.
you know better than anyone else why i can't let this go.
it's the same reason you can't, either.

[ a lengthy pause stretches between his messages as he reads and rereads her words. this isn’t an equation you can magically solve. she sounds like dominik, when the thing between them had fragmented beyond repair and yet nikolai still was unwilling to let him go. sudden doubt plagues him. maybe he should let this go before it can ever get to that dark point — or are they already there, quicker than he could have imagined, but no less inevitable? he isn't a believer in karma, but — hypothetically — he certainly has his share due.

finally, after enough time has passed that she likely thinks he's dropped this conversation entirely — ]

you sound like someone that i loved once.
if i was prone to entertaining things i can't see, i'd say it almost sounds like an omen.
it's a bad habit. for me to ignore everything else when i get caught up in my schemes. chasing preoccupation, as someone used to call it.
i'm sorry. i'll be more mindful of it next time.
i can still send a car around if you want to hit me.

[peasant]

[ he doesn't aim it at any target, but it sticks its landing just the same, a precision-sharp pang that stirs in her chest. because it's unbearably true, no matter the ugliness of it, the desire to turn away from that part of herself; walking away from aleksander's tyranny without lifting a finger to end it was never an option.

she's content to leave the conversation there, a festering silence, but the vibrations of her phone disturb the quiet numbness of her studio. ]

i think you just want to see me even if it means i'm hitting you.
if you're going to use bad omens as a justification to leave me, you should just get it over with.
you've been finding excuses to push me away from the start.

[ravkas]

you're not wrong. i do want to see you.
i'm not going to use hangups from a previous relationship as justification to leave you. that wouldn't be fair to either of us.
i know i have. i'm not proud of it.
i can explain why, if you want. but know that i don't want pity to cloud what you're feeling right now. as i said before, this is completely unrelated and quite poor timing.
but i fear i've let you believe that i'm pushing you away because of who you are and not because of the things that i've done.

[peasant]

even if i want to strangle you right now?
make less dangerous choices, nikolai.
okay. we'll see how sincere you are about that.
i think i've made what i want clear since the day we met.
whether i want you to tell me or not doesn't matter if you keep withholding things you'd rather keep secret.
what do you want?

[ravkas]

now where would the fun in that be?
i want you to know all of me.
sometimes i feel like the only reason anyone bothers with me at all is because i show them only what i want them to see. things that i know they'll find appealing. and everything is wonderful at the start, until they begin to see the other parts of me.
i've been playing roles my entire life, alina, and i don't want to do that with you. not anymore.

[peasant]

my blood pressure would be lower. that's the fun part.
you don't have to worry about that with me. i'm notoriously hard to charm, and i'm already at maximum capacity of being furious with you.
is that what you've been doing with me? playing a part?

[ravkas]

i hear massages do wonders for reducing stress, and i happen to have two hands that are quite good at them.
wait. have i not charmed you even once?
of sorts. more like exaggerating my positive features and downplaying the less savory ones.
but that's not fair to you, because the less savory ones are as much a part of me as all the rest. as my recent absence has demonstrated, they might even be more consuming than the others.

[peasant]

you're just trying to tempt your way into my good graces.
no. never. i'm immune.
i've noticed the less savory ones already. do you want me to name them?
i can start at leaving me drunk and hypothermic so you could run off and plan ill-advised revenge, if you want.
or you can tell me your own version.

[ravkas]

i suppose that's meant to say it's not working.
this doesn't happen often, but i'm honestly at a loss for words at this startling revelation. i'll have to ruminate and pick the topic up later.
in my defense, i was a bit drunk, too. i had no idea you were hypothermic.
in your defense, i let my mind get entirely away from me and couldn't focus on anything but plotting my revenge scheme. that brings us to one of my bad habits. sometimes i lack focus. other times i hyperfixate on something and can't pull myself out of it. it goes beyond obsession and more into territory that should be medicated. it could be for minutes or hours or days or weeks.
i was fixating when i was with you. it's why i didn't notice you were ill. to be perfectly honest, i barely remember being with you that night. but that's the only time it's happened to that degree since we met.
i don't want you to think that i haven't been present for this relationship. i have.
i'm truly sorry i wasn't there for you. honestly, i'm horrified that something that bad could've happened and i didn't even realize it.

[peasant]

it's meant to say flirting with me when i'm trying to fight with you is unfair.
well, at least you're painfully honest. if i'm being painfully honest, i don't know what to say to that.
i always knew your mind moves at a mile per minute but not like this.
it's not that big of a deal. being ill is nothing really new to me. i'm fine now, anyway.
i'm more insulted that you abandoned me to obsess over aleksander than i am offended at having been sick.

[ravkas]

well, you know what's said about love and war.
it's all right. you don't have to know what to say. i'm dropping complete abnormalities on you, after all.
it caused quite a lot of problems while i was growing up, at least until the issue was finally pinpointed and i was prescribed a healthy dose of varying stimulants.
i'll be the first to admit i'm bad at managing it even now. sometimes i pop adderall like candy, and other times i don't take it at all because i feel it dulls my edge. there are techniques i'm supposed to use, but i find them tedious and intrusive. but i'm well aware that's no excuse to leave myself unchecked.
alina, leaving you when you're ill is actually what one would call a big deal, and i don't want you to give me a pass on it just because there's something else you're more offended by. that's not how i'd like this relationship to go. when you're sick, i want to be there for you. if i fall ill, i would hope you'd like to be there for me, too.
aleksander has been an obsession of mine for quite some time, as you know.
well, you probably didn't know the extent of it. it was a thorn in my previous relationship as well. you would think i'd have learned something from that, but i am quite stubborn when it comes to getting my way.

[peasant]

it's a good thing we established i'm immune to being charmed. completely unaffected. invincible. i have the willpower of an elephant.
you're not an abnormality, nikolai. everyone is a little dysfunctional.
have you considered — this is an ingenious idea, don't thank me — doing what you're told to do?
i know you like to think you're the smartest person in a room, but professionals know more than you do. frying your brain can't be healthy.
even in the name of whatever weird endeavor you start on next.
well, i don't see the point in making a big deal out of it. i don't need anyone to take care of me.
mal already took over that role, anyway.
it can't be that surprising to you that the people you're with don't want to be second place to your schemes or encourage your self-destructive plans.
because that's what this is. you can paint it in a prettier light, but it doesn't change what it is.