[ best not to answer the quip about farms, a faint curve at his mouth, private light in his eyes. ]
[ dryly, ] Since the price of being seen would be a lion or gull gutting you for my attention, care isnāt the word I would use. [ but itās just a fantasy, isnāt it? every moment nikolai fails to ask and allows last night to drift further from them, it becomes more unreal. ]
Nikolai ā [ kaz catches him in the curl of his arm, clothed but not gloved, and it sets every nerve aflame. sweat at his palms, the hollow of his neck, the crooks of his elbows, despite the chill in the air, stiffening his bones. the line of his shoulder pulls rigid. his stomach fucking roils. like always, the fear is worse, immobilising him as his vision blurs. both through his cracked gaze and behind his eyelids, he can only see nikolai, dead in his arms because of the choices he made. the mistakes.
you have to go get him. kaz pushes himself to his knees, lifting nikolai with him. his hitching breaths reek of rot. has to leverage one hand on the bedframe to get near upright from there, steadying enough to carry nikolai the same way he did last night and gentle him back onto the bed. hands quick to pull away where theyād so comfortably lingered last night. ]
Stay with me until I find it. Describe the dose.
[ he staggers away from the bed and wobbles a step, hands on his thighs. for a moment, retching seems inevitable: proof that the spectres can rush him back to the start as they please. another blink, and heās leaning against the desk, unseeing eyes staring at the tonics nikolai keeps on hand.
the first uncorked bottle smells like everything else in the room ā like decay ā and he swears under his breath. closes his eyes, then, thinking of how it had felt easier last night, with nikolai in his bed. is that going to be enough for you? no, of course not. how could it be, when nikolai keeps offering him more, even if ā well, even if he doesnāt mean it. impossible to say whether the hope or the hurt clears his senses, but the next bottle smells sickly sweet, and the one after that stings his nose. absinthe. his feet drag back the way he came, although he hesitates before sitting on the edge of the bed. unsure if he can bear to touch nikolai again like this.
with a controlled exhale, he eases nikolaiās head into his lap, the hot, sticky skin at his neck sending a tremor up his arm. shaky fingers smooth over nikolaiās lips, barely there touch urging them to open before he administers the dose and sets the bottle aside, lest he knock it over with his unstable limbs. as nikolai returns to himself, kaz wipes his hands on his vest and scrubs them over his face, carding back through his hair. nikolai feels like heās dying because he is, yes, but his starry eyes arenāt glassy yet. thatās an illusion. which of course means itās fooled the mind, and is therefore just as perilous as reality. for a moment, all he can do is force himself to breathe. you have to let him go echoes once more.
finally, flattening his hands against the sheets, kaz stabilises his body and voice. ]
Do I have you still, Nikolai? [ hushed with his head bent over him, hair falling back in his face. canāt quite snap his features shut, even paler than usual from the nausea. ]
[ the tonic tastes worse than his usual nightly dose, acid on his tongue, but he swallows it down and feels it immediately begin to work, burning away the heaviness in his limbs. he shudders as he opens his eyes, looking up at kaz and finding him pale, the set of his jaw tense. is he so concerned for him? he misses his touch already, the gently sweet press of his hands, every touch carefully measured and thought out, the weight of his budding emotions behind it. they're flat against the sheets now, avoiding contact with his heated skin, and he nods around a beleaguered breath, trying to pull himself together, a loud buzzing in his brain. ]
Kaz. Put them back on. [ his eyes flicker toward the discarded gloves on the table. the plague. of course. ] With or without them, you're not any further away from me.
[ it must be what he's seeing now. his brother, sick and dying. he felt his corpse, his decaying body in the water. nikolai's hand curls around his elbow, gently squeezing. a reminder that he's still here, still alive, still with him. you still have me. words he can't bring himself to say, just as he can't bring himself to ask what he told himself he would. come to ravka with me feels more impossible with each passing minute, a dream that should stay just that. a dream, one of many gone unfulfilled. what is it that kaz keeps saying? people aren't meant to be kept? you can't make them stay? would kaz really say yes if he asked?
but how can he, like this? he pushes up, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand. kaz doesn't deserve this version of him ā not sure if he deserves any version of him ā unpredictable, unwell, useless. what can he truly offer him? his mind clears, the tonic dispersing the weight of exhaustion he's been carrying for days, leaving him alert at last. genya's potions got him through the better part of a year, but kaz has no idea how strong they are. how much did he give him? ]
Will you... [ just ask. can it be so simple? he glances at kaz, looks away just as quickly. he feels more awake than ever ā but the demon feels like it's roused from slumber as well, everything he wants and all the promises hanging just within reach suddenly snatched further away as every muscle tightens in the worst kind of anticipation. ] Leave. I need you to leave.
[ he springs from the bed, hauling kaz up with him and manhandling him to the door. this control is such a tenuous thing, ready to snap at any moment, and he won't have kaz here to witness it. not when this feels worse than the other times, deadlier. kaz won't leave this room alive. that much he's sure of. it's all-consuming, the need to give in to this depravity, to let go and allow the demon to take hold after so long of keeping it locked away. kaz's unsteady heartbeat is thunderous in his ears, his teeth longing to sink deep into his skin. fear seeps cold into his bones. what if he can't find his way back this time? he has to get off the ship, away from kaz, away from everyone he knows. he can't get around sating this bloodlust this time. he's going to kill, and he won't let it be kaz. ]
If I don't ā [ he struggles for words, shoving kaz through the door, sending his cane skittering into the hall as an afterthought and sliding off his heavy signet ring with the lantsov seal embossed into the gold. he presses it into kaz's bare hand, warmed from his skin. ] Write to the new Fjerdan Queen. Use my seal but sign the letter with your name. She knows who you are. I ā you have to leave me. Find the heart. It's more important than me.
[ he slams the door before kaz can offer a rebuttal, hastily fastening the locks. no time to have him chain him again, not when his hands are already lengthening to claws, his teeth growing sharp, sinking to his knees as shadowy wings unfurl from his back. he tries to hold on to his mind, tries to keep himself in this moment, but his grip dissolves to darkness and regret. a shower of splintered wood and he's breaking off the ship, taking to the skies where only fractured images filter through his head. snow-lined treetops, glittering white, unfamiliar terrain. time becomes something unmeasured, days shifting into night ā and blood. so much blood. the drĆ¼skelle have been reformed under the new fjerdan leadership, nina and her handsome prince, but pockets of dissenters remain deep in the snowy lands, and that's where the demon finds its prey, leaving a trail of bodies across the permafrost, a days-long horror plaguing the fjerdan forests.
when he wakes he expects to find himself half-frozen in the snow, closer to death than life. instead he's in a bed surrounded by unfamiliar walls, exhausted but blessedly human again. too big to be on his ship, too steady. he gingerly gets to his feet, taking stock of his injuries ā nothing terrible, a few bandages looped across one shoulder, some scrapes and bruises along his ribs. he aches all over, like he took a tumble down a mountainside. maybe he did. someone left clothes for him ā a linen shirt, trousers, sturmhond's coat. he dresses quickly and moves to the window, drawing back the curtains. snow. they're still in fjerda. blood-soaked snow flashes across his mind just as the door opens, and relief floods him as tamar comes in.
she fills him in quickly. it's been four days since he left the ship, since she discovered his secret, since she nearly killed kaz for not saying anything. in that time kaz followed his orders and wrote to the new queen and earned a quick invitation to the palace in djerholm ā just as he knew he would ā along with a discreet search party to track down the former king hunting her errant subjects. nikolai has no idea how many men he must've killed. the thought curdles his stomach, sits there and festers. doesn't know what to do with it even if he figures out a number, which he won't. it feels like the first time all over again.
he asks if brekker has made progress with the mission, and tamar informs him that he's currently out with anika and doesn't make a habit of informing anyone of his returning hours. nikolai hides his disappointment. he told him to look for the heart and can hardly be upset that he is. he only worries what he might do without nikolai to rein him in. he dons his coat and requests to see nina instead despite the fact that he's still running a fever, feeling no better than before, but staying in bed and attempting rest means tossing restlessly through memories of blood and snow, and he isn't ready to face the full weight of the horrors of his recent crimes.
he has a long dinner with nina and tamar that devolves into him confessing more of his currently wretched state than he intends, but it feels like something of a relief to share the burden among friends. nina lets it slip that kaz had unearthed her identity within the first thirty seconds of sharing the room with her, and nikolai finds himself missing him while simultaneously dreading being alone with him again. what will he say? how will he explain any of this? he feels he has less and less to offer him each day, and ravka feels further away than ever. you weren't meant to have this. is a bastard really meant to have anything?
nina has installed grisha healers at djerholm, but they can do little for his fever and aches. instead of attempting sleep, he roams the hallways late into the night ā far less gilded than the grand palace, and more wolves and ash trees engraved into the walls than he's ever seen in his life ā and watches the windows for any signs for kaz's return, though knowing him he'll sneak in undetected and come up behind him any minute now. ]
[ nikolai finally makes good on every threat, splitting him from throat to stomach with a clawed hand ā or it only feels that way, pox-stricken hands seizing his lungs first, with how he shudders against the door, then squeezing his heart so fiercely he falls to his knees, ring clutched in his fist. lucky that anika finds him first and proves more loyal than he dared imagine. in his room, he dictates a letter in between retching. written in her hand, signed by his, sealed with the lantsov double-eagle. he tries to shove his innards back into his heaving body, dirty and tangled and torn. when he tells tamar all that led to this, composure barely stitched together, she rushes him against the nearest wall, her blessedly gloved hands at his throat. in that moment, he almost wishes for death, but dying is easy. thereās work to be done.
itās anika threatening to shoot tamar (unhelpful, but charming) and producing the sealed letter (helpful, charm neutral) that delays his corporal punishment. kaz keeps nikolaiās ring hidden in the breast pocket of his vest, relieved that no one asks for it. more than anything, he wishes that he could speak the strategy forming in his mind with ā with nikolai ā but thereās no one else.
no need to ask for an explanation for how she knows of it, the grisha principle spoken by the imagined and present nina in unison. like calls to like. she canāt heal the living any longer, but she can manipulate the dead and inhuman. for the first time in all their jobs together, kaz allows her to touch him. accordingly, she spends hours extracting merzost in inky black pulls, the otherworldly pain overriding kazās disgust and dragging cry after cry from his throat. had it been spreading, killing the whole time? he tumbles into bed, too tired to think of anything but green-gold eyes and gold-gold hair. only when he wakes the next day with full range of motion in his shoulder, mind cleared of the simmering pain thatās plagued him since novyi zem, does he realise it absolutely was.
when assembling his final crew, the only ravkan he picks is a heartrender, one he judges as more interested in money than glory, an admirable trait in a man. tamar is too busy hunting her king to be as furious as sheād like with his newfound independence. on the second day since nikolai disappeared, kazās five make quick work of the tunnels, finding a shimmering key for their trouble. on the third, they encounter a party of black tips, and kaz has the distinct pleasure of cracking their lieutenantās leg under his boot, when they refuse parley. on day four, when nikolai awakens, a courier tries and fails to reach him and anika in the city, belatedly learning that kaz took his crew under with supplies to last days and no explanation of his plan. another night passes without word. zenik squashes whispers of a betrayal: brekker only reneges on deals when cheated first, which means, of course, that heās found something promising or troubling.
on the sixth night (the third without word from brekker), a search party returns with anikaās green overcoat, shredded and bloody, as alarming as it is lucky. the wolves have a scent to chase now. and yet, on the seventh day since nikolai broke from the ship, they find no further signs of life or death. under the cover of darkness, kaz brekkerās crew slips into the court undetected, the five members (including anika, with her arm in a makeshift sling) hide in the servantsā quarters, while kaz sneaks into the royal bedchamber.
would it kill you to use the front door? zenik grumbles as she throws a pillow at his head and, to her credit, just misses, sitting up in her nightdress with her noble, doting husband in tow. her eyes widen to dinner plates at the state of him, white gear flooded red down his front. the best thieves make exits when they find none is his only explanation. whatever he saw down there, only he and his crew know, and they appear either too loyal or shaken to talk.
the new plan goes like this: keep up the ruse that his crew is missing, sending out both a search party to the caves and another, decoy team to ravka in the morning with the majority of nikolaiās crew. outsiders will think they have the heart and insiders will think him dead, the job failed. no one on nikolaiās crew is to know itās a feint, including tamar, which will further dim his chances of a royal pardon, no doubt. canāt be helped, with the snake who leaked the job and the caves still among them.
once theyāve gone, kaz will escort the heart of sankt feliks to the dragon queen himself and collect his reward. together with the king and queen, kaz secures the damned relic in fjerdaās near impenetrable vaults just after midnight. as theyāre parting ways, nina shares that they found nikolai. whatever crosses his features makes her squint at him, seeing through to his haphazardly arranged, broken insides. heāll be chained up for the night, kaz reminds himself, squashing every foolish impulse to race to his side and ā what? shout at him? beg for forgiveness?
nina hides his cane in her room, too identifiable for their plot to succeed. exhausted and wild-eyed, hair dried in a jagged part down the middle, he limps through the halls looking like a rather violently murdered ghost, en route to his room. doesnāt hear nikolaiās footsteps because he isnāt moving when kaz rounds the corner, still as a spectre in a window overlooking the palace grounds. a wave of relief crashes over him, so strong that he nearly buckles. ]
All saints. [ didnāt mean to say that. canāt think of anything else to add, features cracked open. ] Itās you. [ and not as a thought or dream, flickering every time kaz closed his eyes. his voice echoes down the icy hall, rasp ground raw. ] I thought you were ā you should be in bed.
[ he lifts his chin, lamplight glinting off a bruise high on his razored cheekbone. separated by the length of the hallway, the deaths caused by his mistakes guiding nikolaiās clawed hands, it feels impossible to go to him. his unchecked ā and unwisely encouraged ā want for nikolai made him selfish in a way he never before allowed. his gloved hands fist at his side, an attempt at keeping them from reaching out. in ketterdam, he had supported each of his crows to leave his side in turn, even as he thought of a thousand ways to bind them to him. thatās what he should have done from the start, even if it meant snuffing the spark between them and never having a closeness like theirs. ]
[ waiting has always been a torturous pastime for him. zenik suggests a myriad of ridiculous activities to pass the hours ā tours of the permafrost, visits to djel's popular healing and relaxation springs, quiet mediation at the roots of their most sacred ash tree. apparently the wolf pups are not for playing with, a crime when they're as fluffy as they are. he has never felt more useless in his life, and accuses her of treating him as such just because he is no longer her king, to which she confesses she isn't sure what might set him off into his less agreeable demon form and thinks it best that he takes it easy for the time being. it's a nightmare he can't wake from, and he makes sure everyone knows it, irritating everyone enough that she finally allows him a peek at their plans to revitalize the capital in true nina zenik fashion ā restaurants and theaters and art houses, everything fjerda lacks in favor of their massive war effort. nikolai happily offers up architectural sketches and adds a science museum where one might view demonstrations of dramatic explosions from a safe distance. he plays with the wolf pups anyway.
it's a relief to see that nina is happy, one piece of deliriously good news he'll be glad to bring back to zoya before unloading all of the bad. he thinks of kaz constantly. nina assures him that kaz brekker is unable to be killed, unable to be outsmarted, unable to be bested at any job. he's a demon that crawled out of the pits of hell, a man who manufactures his own luck; once he decides he wants something, he will have it no matter the cost. she tells him not to worry, that kaz will not only return, but he'll return with the heart in his possession, and nikolai supposes she would know, being a member of his gang long before kaz brekker ever fell into his orbit. he makes it seem like his concern is more for the heart than brekker, more for the fate of the world if they don't keep the blight suppressed than for the canal rat that consumes most of his thoughts by day and all of his thoughts at night.
tamar secures his chains and stands guard at his door, and his loneliness has never felt more pervasive, more permanent than now. he's seen a thousand deaths in his lifetime, but the images that flash behind his eyelids now rattle him in a brand new way. these aren't the deaths met in a battlefield. these are executions, a massacre at his hands, men crying out for their lives, helpless to match his strength. he has to go back to ravka, and he can't bring kaz with him, because what if it happens again? his dreams dwindle away to impossibilities, all the things he wanted to share with him, more firsts he wanted to give him, now out of reach. someone else can do it. he doesn't need you. he dreads his nights more than ever now, taking to wandering the halls again and again, finding patches of snowy moonlight to lose his thoughts in. he hears kaz's voice everywhere, so often that he doesn't turn immediately, not until he keeps hearing it and tilts his head to find his bloody image standing haggardly in the middle of the pristine hallway. blinks once, then again. he doesn't disappear. his lungs fill with a sudden, startled breath, like morning light piercing the thickest of clouds. ]
Brekker. [ he turns, takes a step, stops abruptly. he shouldn't. but kaz is bloodied and without his cane, something haunted and wild in his wide eyes. of course he needs to go to him. he's still dressed and fully armed, never having made it to bed tonight. when did kaz make it back? of course he hadn't seen him come in, of course he wouldn't use the door. does he have the heart? he finds he doesn't care. nikolai is still feverish, eyes bright, strands of his golden hair darkened by the sweat gleaming at his temples, but he comes close anyway, his hands ā gloved ā aching to touch him. kaz wasn't doing well the last time he saw him, pale and sickly and seeing ghosts once more. he doesn't know if seeing him will bring that rushing back. he doesn't know what he's seen in the days past. ] Saints, Brekker, you look like you've gutted a cow. Are you hurt? Are you ā [ he finally reaches out, just barely touching him, one hand ghosting over his side, the other cupping his elbow. doesn't know if he'll pull back, only knows it'll hurt if he does. ] Are you all right?
[ as nikolai starts toward him, kaz matches his movements. one step, then two, carried forward on aching legs until they both stop, hovering apart. he wonders if theyāre thinking the same thing, splitting haunting fantasies from reality. brekker, brekker the sweetest refrain heās ever heard. his breath stops and stutters, eyes darting over nikolaiās features to steal every detail. just as handsome and exhausted as he remembers, moonlight gilding his hair and shadowing the lines of his face. his gaze flickers to nikolaiās arm against his, sensation skittering across the skin underneath, and his gloved fingers curl into the fabric at the crook of nikolaiās elbow, returning his hold. stormy eyes begin to calm. ]
Yes. [ a moment late, with the slightest shake of his head, brows tightening and loosening as he recalibrates. nikolai alive, human, here. the one person kaz has shown vulnerability to before, the only person he might consider flaying himself for again after seven days of ceaseless strength. donāt falter now. firmer then, ] Yes. I took a gamble, Nikolai. [ in the acts that led to the mission and the blood. a hunch shaded in with reason and intelligence, lined with luck of his own making. wouldnāt have spirited his crew away without telling the ravkans for anything less. should he ask forgiveness? it simply isnāt in his nature to do so. ] Every businessman worth his kruge knows which risks to take, or no one would ever turn a profit.
[ kaz lifts his other hand, glove dirtied, dried red and black. will the smell of blood that both is and isnāt his own wake the demon? he finds he doesnāt care. more pressing is the concern that a covered touch like this would prove inadequate for what he means to covey. the nikolai of then reminds him with or without them, you're not any further away from me. no spare mental capacity to consider whether nikolai even wants him this close anymore, fingers first brushing his cheek, then cradling his jaw when the fluttering in his ribcage sinks no lower than that. it would be easy to kiss him like this. harder not to, really, the memories of the barge and volkvolny leagues from where they stand. a glutton for punishment whispers the voice that might be dirtyhands, or might be what he imagines jordie would sound like, if he lived long enough to stay an older brother. ]
If Iād heard you were here, I would have ā [ abandoned the job and come back? no, but he would have wanted to desperately. ] Well, I would have written. [ hasnāt the faintest idea what he would have said, with his clever tongue twisted into knots. frankly, he wouldn't have said anything. nikolai knows him and, therefore, knows this. he allows the thought to heighten the arch of his brows and tip the angle of his head, so at the very least he appears to be in on the joke. kaz brekker is an arrow, unerring once loosed on a target. his amendment comes quick, ] I would have thought about writing. [ voice aching. ] I did think of you. [ he blinks twice, as if only realising what he said seconds after saying it. ]
Are you ā [ not all right. canāt be. ] Are you hurt?
[ yes. yes to what? yes, he's hurt? clearly. yes, he's all right? maybe he's fooled himself into thinking so. kaz babbles on about the job, about risks, about being a model businessman. things nikolai could not care less about. but then it hits him suddenly ā ] You found the heart. [ and in that realization comes a frantic, crushing ache of disappointment rushing over him like a cold tide. the worst reaction he could possibly have after brekker clearly put his life on an extremely fine line to finish the job for him. but that's just it. he finished the job. there's nothing tying them together now, no more excuses to find ways to steal away moments for just the two of them. he can't put off going back to ravka now, not after the crimes he's just committed on foreign soil. never thought he'd be so devastated to return to a country he loves. he doesn't know if he'll even have the chance to sail brekker back to ketterdam or if it would be best for him to find safer passage than any ship that he's on. a flash of splintered wood comes to mind. the volkvolny will need repairs anyway, after he put a bloody hole through her.
he's so preoccupied with his thoughts that kaz's touch takes him by surprise ā a good surprise, one that draws him back to the moment, grounds him here. kaz's glove is filthy. he wants to slip it off, but doesn't dare, leaning into the soft leather despite the blood, lifting his hand from his side and gently curling his own gloved fingers around the pale strip of bare skin at his wrist. i would have written. his mouth stretches to a smile for the first time in days at the thought of kaz halting the job to pen him a letter saying ā what? his shoulders begin to shake, lips pressed shut in an attempt to stifle a guffaw, an attempt that wholeheartedly fails, because soon he's dissolving into peals of laughter, one hand splayed over his face. ]
What would you have written? Never throw my cane into the hallway again or I'll break your kneecaps? [ he snorts, dropping his forehead to kaz's shoulder to muffle his giggles. ] We tried to get a message to you, or at least they told me later that they did, but I knew you wouldn't read it in the slim chance that it even got to you because it wouldn't be important enough since you have my bloody seal.
[ he stops to catch his breath, his laughter dying down to something else, something that leaves his heartbeat rapid, thunderous, his throat constricting. his eyes feel suddenly wet as he turns his face into kaz's throat, his arms wrapping tight around his waist. i did think of you. words that make him feel weak, chest shuddering around a breath. what is he supposed to do with it? how is he supposed to tell kaz that this is the end, that nothing he wanted is going to happen, that he can't see that prized painting above his desk at the crow club, that he can't kiss him at sunrise in his window overlooking the harbor? kaz called him a liar in novyi zem. it was true then and it's true now, and still he doesn't want it to be. ]
I'm fine. [ he whispers it just beneath his ear, pressing his lips to the faded bruise he'd left a week ago. a lifetime ago. the only time they've ever shared a bed. he lifts his head and mimics kaz's touch, cradling his jaw, caressing his hair, and there in the middle of the hallway he presses their lips together, one arm wound firm around his waist, keeping him close despite the blood soaking his clothes. he doesn't want to let him go, doesn't ever want to let him go. for the first time doesn't ever want morning to come. never thought he'd ever want to stay lost in djerholm, in his opinion one of the worst places he's ever been to, but right now he'd do anything, give anything to live in this moment just a little longer, a few weeks more, a few days more. even a few extra hours more to be with kaz before an ocean separates them, before he has zoya make the sensible decision to confine him indefinitely until he can be sure he's no longer a danger to the people. maybe the heart will help. maybe it won't. he'll still have to find some way to live with what he's done.
slowly, gently, he breaks the kiss, drawing in a fragile breath. he already knows kaz won't see a healer. maybe not just out of sheer stubbornness this time, but because he can't right now, needing his barriers. saints, he kissed him without thinking. his grip loosens slightly, eyes widening as he searches his expression. ]
Let's go to your room. Let me tend to your wounds.
Edited (nitpicks so belatedly) 2021-08-02 05:47 (UTC)
[ no answer on the heart, not out here. when nikolai brushes his wrist, he thinks, donāt send me away. fortunately, nikolaiās touch becomes a hold and that smile ā kaz would die to earn it again. you did nearly die, you half-wit. it was worth every risk to win multiple notes of laughter now. kazās smile splits evenly on both sides, close-mouthed until nikolai calls him on his bluff. he huffs an amused noise that breaks into his own laughter at the remark about the seal. it burns over his heart, caught in nikolaiās true sight.
all thoughts scatter as nikolai noses into his throat, body so close and warm, feverish, and kisses him where he knows that faded mark is, having touched it absentmindedly throughout the job. wants him to leave another, to use his teeth. a shiver down his spine that has nothing to do with his rotted memories, and everything to do with the hand guiding his waist close. heās going to kiss you. he wouldnāt, not after, he wonāt, not here ā the risks ā a soft, startled sound hushes into nikolaiās mouth before kaz presses back sweetly. ]
[ feather-black lashes lower in suspicion, gaze slanting at him. ] Is that your only line? [ let me tend your wounds, variations said in the captainās quarters, the cave, here. three marks a pattern, albeit one that suits his frequent injuries. he leans forward to thieve another kiss, greedy for it. this is more affection than kaz thought he would receive from nikolai, when he never asked him to visit ravka (as kaz knew he wouldnāt, lacking either desire or courage). as such, he finds nikolaiās hand and threads their fingers together, only reluctantly releasing him at the door to his room.
plenty to occupy nikolai tonight, if he likes. cuts and scrapes all the way down to a gash on his thigh, blood caked enough that another pair of trousers will be lost to the ravkan cause. the hood of his coat hangs half-off, threads cut where a blade nearly opened his neck and instead nicked the top of his shoulder. once the lock clicks behind them, he swiftly crowds nikolai against the door, arm heavy across his chest. ]
None but Zenik and Grimjer can know that I found the heart, or that the crew survived. [ his serious little mouth purses. the muscle in his jaw pulls tight. ] Not even Tamar. [ quickly, a frightful glint in his eye ā ] A ravkan canary has been singing for my competitors, and Iām going to tear out its throat.
[ a beat, for that demand to settle, easing off nikolai and limping across his grand chambers. the dukeās rooms for the royal pain in my arse, who prefers slanting walls and crooked floors, according to zenik. unfair, really, when she hasnāt seen the club since the renovations. kaz glances over his shoulder as he shrugs off his coat and loosens the knot of his tie. ]
I spoke publicly of our intent to sweep the eastern quadrant five days prior, and we were ambushed accordingly ā but a trap is only a trap if you donāt know about it. [ if you know about it, itās a plan. hence why the mission occurred without warning soon after. he crosses into the bathroom, peeling off his tacky gloves and washing his hands. ] Tomorrow morning, Zenikās searchers will find my cane and Anika, with her shattered arm. [ not an easy job, then. ] Everyone knows I wouldnāt let anyone, even my most trusted lieutenant, handle my personal effects. [ the power of a hard reputation. overcoming his aching muscles, he lifts himself atop the counter and tilts back against the cool mirror, while nikolai ungloves beside him. ] Sheāll sail to Ravka with your crew to tell the queen of our failure, beg compensation for her losses ā and if sheās learned anything from that dramatic soprano of hers, [ eyes rolling, perhaps ketterdamās acerbic rogues share a type. ] sheāll croon enough pretty lies for the traitorous skiv to expose themselves in due course.
[ kaz dips his fingers into his vest, curling around nikolaiās ring. his only comfort for the last week, all that was left when nikolai might have been permanently transformed or dead. his chest twinges to consider returning it. ]
Once theyāve cleared the country, Iāll carry the heart and my crew in a Fjerdan ship. [ he catches nikolaiās reddened wrist, waiting for a rush of saltwater to sting his skin. when it doesnāt, he takes nikolaiās scorched hand in his and gentles the ring back on his finger, eyes lowered in reverence to his careful work. ] Including Dimitri, [ the heartrender. ] whoāll be taking permanent leave of the Second Army upon our arrival in Ravka. [ in order to pursue a life of crime in ketterdam, naturally. a flit of his gaze to glittering hazel eyes as he brings the back of nikolaiās hand to his mouth, kissing his bare skin, then the ring that kept him safe without nikolai to attempt such thankless work. itās a genuine thing, though he does hope it distracts from his ambitions to enter ravka uninvited and poach a valued heartrender. ] Part and parcel of my royal reward, you understand.
[ of course the poor lad only knows that kaz is considering it, despite his fervent petition to join the dregs. nothing should come easy in this life. ]
[ he follows kaz like a puppy, thinking yes, this is his only line, his last trick, the one thing he can still offer him. barely registers when his back unceremoniously hits the door, looking at kaz and trying to care even a little about the job. does care when he states there's a traitor among his crew, an unexpected cut. he should be furious. a version of himself would have rooted them out on his own, made a violent example of them. the version of this patchwork family that he created in the first place would never have had a traitor to begin with, but now it just feels like the last bit of something he built ā something he loved ā dissolving beneath his feet. humorlessly, his mouth twitches. bastards really aren't meant to have anything. ]
I won't tell Tamar, but she makes a good partner for ripping out throats. She doesn't take kindly to traitors. You can trust her, if you want. She sends me to my dreams, after all.
[ and she knows about them. not something he's outright stated, but tamar is no idiot, and nikolai has been wearing his melancholy a little too boldly these past few days. besides, all the secrecy makes little sense otherwise, and nikolai finds he has no desire to lie to his oldest friend. he listens to the rest of kaz's mad scheme while he strips off his coat and gloves, filling the basin with clean water and bringing a cloth to clean kaz's wounds. before he can begin, kaz catches his hand, bare skin on skin. he stills immediately, holding his breath. warm metal. his ring. he half expected kaz to pretend like he already gave it back. ]
Are you ā [ can't help the surprise on his face, both from how kaz's lips brush over his skin and the words coming from his mouth. saints, he feels stupid, fumbling over simple words, but this is another blindside, another sudden realization that pulls the ground from beneath him. kaz is coming to ravka, and he didn't ask him to. he's not coming for you, you dolt. but he's coming regardless, and suddenly, it's the worst thing. the very worst thing. he swallows, instead beginning the work of carefully undressing him, exposing pale, bloodied skin inch by inch. slowly, his dark clothes fall to the floor, his heart aching at each injury he uncovers. he needs rest. days of quiet in his bedchambers in the grand palace. can he? no. what if ā what if the worst happens like it nearly did aboard his ship? he takes the cloth and gently brings it to his shoulder, keeping his eyes averted. ] Brekker, I ā I wanted to ask. I still do. I want so much from you, I want all the things I said and more, but ā I can't. You know I can't. You know I... I just can't do any of it.
[ stops, blinks away blood in the snow. his eyes stray from the fresh wound at kaz's shoulder to the ā wait. his gaze narrows. his other shoulder is no longer bandaged, claw-marks not exactly healed but no longer festering, shifting to normal scars to add to his collection. his hand hovers over the marks, disbelieving, before grazing his skin. ] How did you ā what happened to your shoulder?
[ itās not an apology stumbling from nikolaiās mouth. not quite poison in place of honey on his tongue, either. kazās chest constricts, keeping his heart from falling out of its cage. itās ā itās hard to say what this is, exactly, part rejection and part confession. i want you, i canāt. kaz waits for an elaboration, brows knitting closer together, mouth twisting. he finally sucks in a breath to muster speech, but nikolai changes tact.Ā
a heartbeat. he revises his path in accordance with the shifting terrain. ]
Zenik. [ his mouth hooks higher one side, amusement flashing briefly in his shark eyes. he likes that she didnāt tell nikolai, his friend and crow first, as loyal and trusted as heās always known her to be. (and, of course, that sheās happy and safe here with her fjerdan husband, even if djerholm is one of the worst places heās ever been.) ] Told you Iād figure it out.Ā [ they both know that nina zenik used her clever mind and big heart to save him yet again, when he least wanted help from others. kaz leans forward and fits a hand at the small of nikolaiās back, guiding him to stand between his legs, so that he can examine the scarring wound up close, merzost excised entirely. theyāre of a height like this, as always. ]
You knowā¦when I was drowning in this miserable country, Ninaās the one who saved me. [ has never put it like that, not to anyone. dirtyhands saves himself, or heās just like any other man. his face pulls, ] I awoke to her ā kissing me, trying to resuscitate me, and I shoved her off so violently, I thought Matthias would put me back under the ice.Ā [ he huffs a breath. not a laugh, not frustration, just ā nervous energy escaping. no idea why he tells nikolai that story, except that kaz often wants to share his thoughts with nikolai first. he inhales audibly, looking down and shaking his head just so. ]
Donāt tell me you canāt. [ voice made raw by days of overuse, hurt dragging the tenor higher. ] You wonāt. I know the difference, Nikolai, I do. [ he tilts his head up, eyes open and fierce, searching nikolaiās features. ] You wonāt even look at me when you say it.Ā [ thatās one of his tells, catalogued early on in their companionship. an avoidant gaze, a faltering smile. the varied performances of king, privateer, monster. kaz tightens his hold on nikolaiās hand and hip, tethers to keep him here for a moment longer, if he means to say goodbye tonight. ]Ā
What canāt you do? [ an edge of pleading sneaks into his voice. ] Explain it to me. [ his lips press together hard, either because itās profoundly difficult to speak or, perhaps, not to. ] Because any time Iāve thought that I canāt do something for you ā which is multiple times, every time Iām with you. [ an unquiet mind despite all his talk of nikolai being present and focused for him. ] Iāve also thought that I have to try. [ a sudden dip of his chin. ] That you would expect me to, [ hadnāt nikolai said so, at the start? he pulls their linked hands to his chest. ] and that you deserve as much since ā I donāt think youāre good at anything youāve chosen for yourself. Not naturally. [ which might take a moment to register as a compliment, unaccustomed and unskilled as he is at constructing them. something admiring shines in his eyes now. ] But youāve made yourself ā [ he hesitates. ] Brilliant. And brave. [ overcoming his distractible mind to build infernal contraptions and salvage a crooked country, weathering a scheming family and countless losses. his blues search for a safe place to land in nikolaiās pale, conflicted face. of course they end up holding his hazel gaze, gold flecks dimmed but still there. ] Why should I accept less from you now?
[ a soft breath, the touch of a real smile. zenik. the only good in this dull haze of horror, a bit of weight lifted from the heaviness that still remains. never told kaz he would have gone to drastic measures to rid him of the rotting wound he left him with, measures kaz would never have forgiven him for. now he doesn't have to replace one hurt with another. at least not that specific one. ]
Nina has a gift for the impossible. Same as you and I. She was one of my best spies and deserves this peculiar life of Fjerdan royalty with her handsome prince that I have my suspicions is not a blood prince at all. But who I am to point fingers about royal blood? [ he grazes the healing scars once more, bizarre animal marks to anyone else. at least no one will have the audacity to question kaz brekker. ] I'm glad she got to see you. Living this sort of life, deep undercover... she's happy, I know, but it came at a steep cost. She shouldn't have to give up everything about who she was. And now she won't have to.
[ but he can't think about his termite forever. she's found her way when he clearly hasn't, and kaz seems wholly uninterested in shying away from truths tonight, his features cracked open, something desperate in his voice. nikolai doesn't want to hear it. what can he say? can't or won't, it's all the same. his excuses won't measure up, not when kaz has put himself through hell to give this much of himself to him, and nikolai won't do the same. can't. it can't be his blood in the snow or the water or anywhere else, not anymore. in the end kaz is brimming with life and possibility while nikolai has already spent all of his. ]
Are you in such a hurry to rush to the end? [ he smiles gently, tending to the wound at his shoulder first, carefully wrapping it. warm drops of water glide down his chest as he cleans away sweat and blood, trying to erase the days of hardship written into the lines of his muscle. he eases his trousers from his legs, lifting his hips carefully from the counter, his eyes on the sticky slide of blood as the gash at his thigh comes into view. a sigh sinks his chest, his brow tightening as another flash of blood presses to mind. ] You won't like my explanation. It all boils down to not being able to have the thing that I want and do the thing that's right. I have to choose. And I so hate not getting what I want.
[ he squeezes the cloth into the basin, wringing it out before beginning to clean the blood at his thigh, keeping his eyes downcast. it's easier to talk without looking into kaz's intense gaze, the weight of his hurt and confusion and expectation too much to bear. nothing more to offer him but disappointment. his head hurts. his heart hurts. somehow, he keeps a straight face anyway. ]
The thing that's right is to go back to Zoya, tell her everything, have her lock me away as a danger to the people until that changes. But the thing I want is to take you back to the palace with me and give you a few days of rest. I want to recite bad poetry to you and fuss over your bandages because you refuse to see a healer. I just... [ his hands shake suddenly. he swallows, steadies himself, finally lifts his eyes. ] I don't want to do what's right. But I'm afraid it's the curse of my heroic disposition that I can no longer keep you in a fantasy when I know I'm going to kill again. I know it. So I have to do the thing that's right, and you have to accept it, or we can argue this entire night away, but in either case morning will still come ā and with it, an end to this. And I'd rather not waste the little time that we do still have.
[ he presses the cloth to the wound, leaning to brush their lips together to ease the sting, not quite a kiss, his eyes half-lidded as he studies kaz's gaze, wondering if he'll push into him with longing or wrath. ]
[ there might have been a point where kaz allowed himself to think he and nikolai shared responsibility for ninaās fate. drawing her into the war, the ice court, fjerda itself. never would have taken parem if his plan hadnāt failed, if he hadnāt turned tail to release pekka rollins from his shackles ā but those are just cards. it was up to nina to play the hand as she liked, with all her bravery and cleverness. she chose which risks to take and secured this life on her own merit. heās as proud of her as he is of jesper, inej, and wylan for having found a place in this world, far though it is from him.
his happiness for her blinks out when nikolai speaks again. kaz tenses, both at the implication of the question and nikolaiās touch. the end. his hands pull back, quick enough to tell of how theyāve been burned, anchoring flat against the counter. perhaps it was naive to think that even if he couldnāt keep nikolai, he might come back. not to him, not for him ā but that kaz might not lose him entirely, even so. nikolai's answer closes that door. ]
Youāve been hurrying to the end since the start. [ quiet, a note of childishness eking out. itās true, though, isnāt it? nikolai had tried to send him away again and again. did he ever want you? yes, surely he did, at first, if not for long after. well, perhaps after, when he needed reason to continue or comfort of a kind, as if kaz ever had the skill to offer those things. doesnāt have a shred of belief in the binary nikolai presents now, between what he wants and whatās right, but he knows he canāt influence nikolai to see the grays colouring his vision any more than he can make him stay. his head tilts back, an attempt to ground himself, to not fight this in a way that ruins their connection forever despite every nerve and synapse telling him to grab the nearest, sharpest knife and slash.
youāre not what he needs. that honour goes to zoyaās stern gaze and understanding of the demon; tamarās constancy; ravkaās warmth. you knew he would leave, like all the rest. with his uneven breathing and trembling hands, he continues to allow nikolai to peel back his armour, his skin and touch his most vulnerable parts. unsticking his trousers from the gash on his thigh makes him wince, but his composure rebuilds from there. he forces himself to be honest instead of hurtful. ] You underestimate yourself, [ a shuddery sigh. ] though youāre right about the terrible explanation.
[ kaz hopes that one of his brighter friends, full of life, can illuminate nikolai's strength and courage, hidden somewhere inside, where a thing like him can't reach. for a moment, he stills under the kiss, as unsure of nikolaiās intentions now as he was the first time this happened, but then he presses back, barely restraining the longing that threatens to burst open his chest. doesnāt move farther than that, gaze cracking as nikolai tips back. ]
What could you possibly want before sunrise? [ it wonāt be enough, not for him. ] Whatever it is ā I canāt unless ā [ a thousand bargains occur to him. say you meant it, all of it, except he never cared for sweet lies. promise youāll come back, but he neednāt return to kaz, in particular. all possibilities wither under the blaze of what he wants most for nikolai. his voice firms, the steady drag of stone on stone. ] Say youāll try to save yourself. [ that he wonāt give up fighting the demon, or on whatever nazyalensky might accomplish by returning the heart and releasing the darkling. ] If you wonāt, [ not canāt, stubborn to the last. ] say nothing and go.
[ it's clear from the defiant angle of his jaw that he means now, without caring for his wounds or prolonging this ruinous tenderness. if he wanted dead hands, he could find them on any healer in the palace. ]
Edited (IM STUPID do not perceive me ) 2021-08-05 03:31 (UTC)
[ it's immediate, the aching loss that fills the empty space when kaz pulls his hands away, a familiar sensation, and yet a new edge to it because it's kaz. has to be new because everything he's felt here is like nothing else that's ever passed through him. he wants to tell him that just because he's been in love before doesn't mean that this isn't all made up of firsts for him, too ā and it startles him to even have the thought. love. but what else can this terrible sinking feeling be, like he's cutting some vital part of him away, an excision that will leave him battered and bruised for days and weeks on end? this is how he discovered it the first time, too, when dominik lay bleeding in his arms, the word rising through the hurt ravaging his mind, the tears blurring his vision. love, inextricably bound by loss.
why does it come to him like this? something he desperately craves, something he hopelessly dreads. why is it never something he can keep? he isn't quick enough to hide the flash of hurt in his eyes. ]
Do you really feel that way? [ he matches his quiet tone, hands gentle as he wipes away blood from his pale skin, tender skin that he's kissed, places only he's touched. the wound disappears as he winds bandages carefully around his thigh. ] That I haven't savored every minute we've had? That I've just wanted this to be over? Do you think thereās something better Iām rushing to, something better than you? [ he stops, searching the sky of kazās eyes, so close to being closed off to him forever. he can feel his disappointment, his barely-contained anger and hurt, and he leans in to cage him there, sliding his hands across the cool countertops until he finds kazās, settling his fingers over them. ] I donāt want anything else. Iāve never wanted anyone the way I want you. Please donāt pull away from me now, Kaz, I donāt ā I donāt know when anyone will ever be able to be near to me like this again.
[ relief floods him when kaz kisses back, and it turns into a desperate thing, his mouth trembling and his breath growing unsteady. what could you possibly want before sunrise? thereās so little time. so little time to make kaz feel all the things he deserves, to bandage his wounds, to kiss every bit of hurt away. to make sure that heās all right. how can he be, when nikolai is doing this to him? his eyes crack open at his request, something so wholly selfless that it opens up a painful little fissure in his chest. will he fight? itās all he knows how to do. no matter how much he wants to lay down and rest, to put down his weapons and go off in search of peace, he knows nothing else but to be a soldier, but to chase ambition, always craving more. what would it be to just stop? to just let go? like the quiet peace of sinking deeper into the sea, no weight, no sound. heād like to feel it again, but something in kazās voice straightens his spine, drags the mantle of responsibility back down. youāre not dead yet, you daft bastard. he nods once, drawing in a quick breath. ]
Iāll fight. [ a tired promise edged in steel. he can always a bleed a little more for his country, for his people, for kaz. when you love a thing, the work is never done. ] Iāll fight, and I will see you again.
[ he kisses him then, harder than before, hoisting him higher on the counter as his wet hands run though his dark hair, down the curve of his spine, roaming over his bruises and sore body. a week apart and it feels like years. feels like several lifetimes for him, caged inside of a monster, watching a nightmare unravel again and again. he wants to lose himself in this, to forget at least for a few hours of the blood marking the snow, soaking his blackened fingers, of the screams that litter his mind and follow him into his dreams. his kisses down his throat, his chest, then returns to his mouth as if he canāt get enough ā and he canāt. there will never be enough of this, not when he wants kaz all the time, standing beside him or in his bed or just quietly rotating in his orbit, close enough to see, close enough for his feet to carry him there. he kisses his cheeks, his nose, his eyelids, cradling his face like something precious. ]
Something youāve wanted that you havenāt told me. [ he whispers it between breathless kisses, his fingers trailing gently down his side, down to his bandaged thigh. ] Or ā anything. Iāll kiss you until sunrise if you want. Whatever you want. Let me fill your aches.
[ do you really feel that way? chest aching, heart burning. kaz cants his head, jaw taut, trying to keep all the affection he has for nikolai from climbing the rungs of his ribs and breaking his stern expression. multiple answers occur to him, though he utters none. no, yes, of course not. he feels that way when itās easier to do so ā when nikolai never wanting him seems like it could be a keen enough blade to sever the strings between them. harder and harder to keep hold of that as nikolai whispers terrifying things and touches him with care.
but surely there are things better than him waiting? a peaceful life in ravka, an uncomplicated companionship with someone whole, sweeter tongues and brighter eyes everywhere. those possibilities spiral until nikolai stops them with his hands, frightfully warm. kazās gaze flickers down to their layered grip and back up to study his tired, handsome face. he likes it best when theyāre this close, even the faintest of nikolaiās freckles made visible. like secrets, just for him.
his words seem impossible, even as they unwind the tension coiled at his back. iāve never wanted anyone the way i want you, plucked from his thoughts and gifted back to him, sounding so certain and sincere. something kaz hadnāt dared hope was true. never been wanted like this, above all else. never wanted someone just as much. still canāt put a name to this feeling. overwhelming, like drowning. exhilarating, like the air that rushes back into your lungs after breaching the surface. iāll fight releases a long, shaking exhale from his chest. his face cracks open again, letting nikolaiās light inside, filling in every fissure, suffusing him with warmth. iāll see you again, on the heels of the first stunning revelation, heightening the arch of his brows and widening his eyes.
a surprised, pleased noise, when nikolai chases his promises with action. already tender and bruised from his injuries, this brokers the fatal fracture in his controlled resistance. kaz kisses him back fiercely, again and again. hands frame his face, urge at the nape of his neck, tear at his buttons and push open his shirt. ] You will. [ a hushed confirmation to bind this contract. sat in nothing but his underwear and bandages, his bare skin slides against the cool surface, goosebumps skating up his legs, hitching loose around nikolaiās waist. he tilts his head back, eyes shuttering as nikolai leads him into the water, mouthing down his throat. too much. not enough. there might never be anyone else who can touch him like nikolai does, kissing places that arenāt his mouth, places that imply ā that say ā ]
Or? [ had he meant to say something else, something he wanted, or ā ] Is that really all you want? [ phrasing riding on uneven breaths, focus shattered under nikolaiās relentless softness. still, he reaches for a thread nikolai unspooled moments earlier. i donāt know when anyone will ever be able to be near to me like this again. kaz kisses the hinge of his jaw and lowers his legs to set about the task of disarming him, nimble fingers unbuckling his holster. ]
Youāre always caring for me without my asking. [ split between annoyed and touched, the way only kaz manages to be. of course heād never ask for it, in the first place. he removes the holster and sets it aside with his discarded gloves and clothes. ] Always offering, when youāre the one who ā [ catching himself, he swallows before any cracks become audible. even so, he canāt keep the concern from his voice. ] You were out there alone. [ for days, committing unspeakable acts, far from himself. heāll be on his own after this, too, locked in a ravkan cell as the darkness in the unsea takes new shape. he pushes nikolaiās layers down his arms and lets them fall to the floor, assured in his want for everything nikolai will give, if this night is to be the last. fevered skin, dead hands, and all. wonāt say that he thought of nikolai all the time on the job. that even when kaz wasnāt thinking of him, he was trying not to think of him, which is ultimately the same thing. ]
Stay until sunrise, for a start. [ or at least until their shared exhaustion finally gets the better of them. his mouth curves high on one side, and his hands brush over nikolai's ribs, checking for hurts inflicted while he was away. ] And I'll tell you, [ something he wants but hasn't said. ] but you'll have to tell me your own aches, too.
[ exploiting the loophole in any request, as ever. this canāt just be about him ā about penance ā with all nikolai is fighting in mind and body, too. ]
[ is it all that he wants? yes, just this. and no, because he wants everything. always wants everything. his fatal flaw, his unending greed and relentless ambition. it's morphed to lesser things now ā or maybe larger things ā not crowns and countries and the impossibilities of peace, but peculiar notions like a quiet that doesn't feel suffocating. companionship that doesn't feel like it's always coming to an end. to put his hands on something and not break it. to look back at a thing and feel like it wants him as much as he wants it. love, of a sort. what sort, he doesn't know. but he wants. big, cavernous aches inside of him that he doesn't think can ever truly he filled because someone like him can never truly be satisfied. kaz is the closest he's ever come, fire singeing his insides, enough to scorch all those vast, untouched corners, and maybe that's why he's holding on so tightly even when the end is barreling straight into them despite every promise falling from his lips. ]
Because you'd never ask. [ a quick, knowing smirk. would he even know how? now, he thinks yes, with time to think of all his wants and needs that have floated to the surface with all the things they've shared together. but yes doesn't mean he'll ever want to or that it will come easy. kaz brekker will be stubborn to his grave and then even beyond that. a weight leaves him as kaz nimbly undresses him, cool air ghosting his bare chest, guns falling from his hips. isn't fast enough to kiss him to stop his next thought, bowing his head to kiss at the delicate line of kaz's collarbone. imagines the demon snapping it, imagines the pool of blood bruising beneath pale skin. he shuts his eyes. ] Don't remember most of it. [ a fast, easy lie, swallowed up as he finds his mouth again, kissing him deeply, a soft hum in his throat. it tastes like warm blood and cold snow.
but kaz's hands are warming against his skin, only faded bruises left from nina's healers for him to find. stay until sunrise. a dream. maybe one he can have just this night. warm lips pull down his throat, down his chest, pressing to every bruise he can find, soothing every hurt while his hand drags away the last bit of clothing remaining on kaz's body. his head dips between his legs, his cock sliding past his lips without warning. ]
I've ached for this for a long time. [ his hand roams across the counter, over bandages, over little pots and tins until he finds what he's looking for, slicking his fingers with oil. he works his cock over with his mouth, coaxing him to hardness. will he get this chance again? is this too fast? this is the edge of a precipice and he's afraid of falling. his arm tightens around kaz's waist, angling his hips higher. ] Wanted to give you this for a long time, but ā [ a breath, sliding his cock from his mouth as he kisses the tip, balanced against his lips as half-lidded eyes gaze up at him carefully. ] Tell me if it's too much.
[ one finger sinks slowly inside of him, his breath soft, a sudden confession out before he can stop it ā ] I missed you. All the time.
[ a pleasant buzz runs through him, as nikolai voices what they both know to be true. youād never ask, not for all nikolai has freely given. the act of admitting to a want is tantamount to weakness in ketterdam, yet nikolai has borne witness to his few requests outwith the boundary of his city. secret urgings to help, touch, kiss. a kind of intimacy unknown to him until now, breaking down his reticence toward trust as much as physical connection, if only with one, treasured person. because nikolai likes to be asked for things, for help, and then to give, so it feels less like losing to admit a need ā and more like winning to allow nikolai to fill it.
donāt remember most of it, a blatant lie, only saved from his ire by a soothing kiss. nikolai has confessed the horror of his acute awareness inside the demon before, so the attempt to deny it troubles him, just not enough to halt nikolaiās searing touches or clever tongue. for one night, he can allow an unreal version of events to be true.
kaz startles in surprise when nikolai goes down on him, muscles in his stomach and thighs pulling taut, then relaxing as his cock slides deeper into the velvety heat of his mouth. there's something about the way nikolai gets, when he does this, focused yet hazy. he rakes his fingers through nikolaiās hair, makes a fist and pulls, hoping for a glimpse of his glittering eyes.
partly because heād already been thinking of it himself, he knows what nikolaiās means to do as soon as his hand wanders. hadnāt worked up to the asking, curious whether it was something nikolai liked doing or liked having done to him. can feel his face flush, warm all the way down to his collarbone in anticipation, the answer pooling heat low in his gut. a quick nod of assent, to convey his understanding with immediacy. desire thrums in his blood, heart rattling against the cage of his ribs. ]
I hadnāt wanted this until ā the cave. [ eyes still intent, dark and hungry. he swallows hard. ] Then I kept wanting it.
[ a second confession underwrites the one spoken aloud, that he only considered it at all because of everything he experienced with nikolai. the boy who unlocked his wanting and now means to leave it untended. what will you do then? want him still, as endlessly as he did when they were separated. stay with him in the now, the advice he gives on repeat. kaz thought of a hundred schemes to trap nikolai with him, and he still chose the path that would lead him away. is that what it means to love someone? hard to say, with how little he knows of it, but kaz soothes his fingers at nikolaiās temples, as if he might be the nervous one. his gaze is fixed and studious, cataloguing sensations in the hopes that they donāt leave him: nikolaiās lips murmuring against cock, the cool air on his skin, soft hair sliding in the tangle of his fingers. ]
You know I like too much, if itās on you. [ normally, kaz prefers to plunge into the depths, but heās grateful nikolai takes a measured approach, easing him into the shallows. it gives him time to override the instinctive clench of muscle and steady the initial jolt of his good leg, features tense and then easing. a breathy noise escapes from the back of his throat. it feels different than he thought it would. maybe some things donāt feel like anything else. ]
Nikolai. [ momentarily overwhelmed by the mere thought of his longing finding its twin in nikolai. missed him, a wanting that persists with absence. ] Was it my scowl or my poison tongue you wished for? [ his other hand curls around the lip of the counter, supporting the barest hitch into the pressure of nikolaiās finger, testing. oh. air hisses through his teeth. ]
[ it's as he suspected ā kaz does want this, has thought of it, but hasn't voiced it aloud. he could've asked anytime and nikolai would've happily obliged, but that's a faraway sort of notion, a different time and place, maybe something they'll never quite reach. kaz would be a different person if he were the sort to just ask for things like this, and nikolai is rather partial to the way he is now, coarse and unrestrained in his violence and yet timid when it comes to the things kept quiet in his heart, like those hurt him so much more than blades and fists. they do. nikolai knows they do. just a little bit of light sears parts hidden away for so long, and still he opens himself again and again to him, allows his scorched hands to touch him, to hold him when nikolai knows he doesn't deserve to because in the end he doesn't know if he can give him anything more than this. a few fleeting moments of pleasure. kaz needs so much more than just this, and he doesn't know why he stays because he has to have figured out by now that he's empty. a golden husk full of nothing. why did he agree to fight again? maybe he just likes to bleed.
kaz's careful, nimble fingers steady him, moving softly through his hair, his eyes straying to lock onto his, lips grazing along the underside of his cock. there's tension written in the lines of kaz's face, but anticipation, too. he does want it. that it took so long surprises him, all the way until he'd fallen and hit his head in the damnable fjerdan ice cave. nikolai has thought about this even before they set sail for the job, of what it would be like to push him open and take him apart, to find that sweet, untouched thing inside of him and coax it to life. ]
You don't have to just want. [ he turns his head, whispering softly against his thigh, his mouth pressing above his bandages as he kisses along his pale skin. ] You can tell me the ways you want to be touched. Or show me.
[ he's in knuckle-deep now, carefully feeling the tremors in kaz's muscles, the alterations in his breath. a sudden smile touches his lips, genuine. ] Both, but your tongue makes more appearances in my dreams. Sometimes spewing poison. Sometimes too busy between my legs to do so.
[ and ā there. he feels kaz push against him, a minuscule, guarded thing. he understands at once that this isn't something he can throw himself into, maybe because of what it is, maybe because of all that's happened. kaz doesn't need to be coaxed into it ā he's already here, already willing ā but he needs something. assurance, maybe. this is a different sort of surrender, a more stark vulnerability. another first.
he drops another kiss to his thigh before he rises to seek his mouth again, briefly kissing his lips before moving to nuzzle the soft space beneath his ear. his finger carefully sinks all the way inside of him, keeping still as he trails his mouth hotly down the line of his throat. ]
How does it feel? Tell me. [ if this could be the last time, he'll be damned if he'll allow kaz off the hook so easily. gently, he curls his finger inside of him, mouth at his lips again, watching kaz with a hungry gaze. it's not enough. slowly. he exhales, suddenly extracting his hand and winding his arm around kaz's waist, lifting him from the counter, gripping gently at his uninjured thigh. he walks them into the curiously slanted bedchambers nina has set kaz up in, tipping him onto the bed and following him down eagerly, sliding his legs open to fist at his cock, planting deep kisses at his mouth. he's warm, and nikolai still feels cold despite the feverish flush to his skin, still feels the icy press of snow and the thick spill of blood. he can hide away in this if he tries.
another kiss to kaz's willing mouth and then he's turning him over, coaxing him onto his hands and knees while his lips soothe along his spine, kissing up to the nape of his neck. he slicks his fingers up again and this time presses two inside of him ā slowly, he reminds himself, pulling kaz flush against him, his hand pulling lazy drags around his cock. he finds the faded remnants of the hidden bruise left high at his throat and sucks a fresh mark to his skin, nuzzling gently at the reddened flush. ]
Ask. [ a breathless demand, soft against his ear. ] Ask for what you want.
[ a riot of confusion, disgust, terror on his skin gives way to burning need. you can tell me, anathema to all heās ever known. kaz has tried for so long to keep his wanting locked away ā both the general longing for intimacy and the specific desire for nikolai, saying things like stay with me, show me. after a decade of standing in shadowy doorways and against walls, knowing he could never draw near, nikolai has laid a path of stones into the light. ]
I know. [ that he can with nikolai, the only safe place for truths of that kind ā revealing, weakening. itās a reassurance. maybe an apology, when he doubts asking will ever come easily to him. his eyes shutter for a second, shiver running through him nikolaiās lips stray to his thigh.
a rush of relief comes with nikolaiās kiss, the heat of closeness replacing cool exposure. another thing he wanted but didnāt ask for, so he resolves to vocalise it next time. can the feel water rising as nikolai sinks into him, a careful, deliberate pressure. breath hitching, kaz gradually leans into it, the ache between his legs telling him nikolai belongs there, here, all over him. itās hardly different from having those blackened fingers in his mouth, where they hadnāt ruined him because nikolai is still alive. he might even live well, if the heart can help him. one hand squeezes the nape of his neck while the other grips his hip hard enough to bruise. ]
Tight. [ like the pleasant burn of a stretched muscle. a soft sound, holding the space while he searches for unused words. nikolai crooks his finger before he reaches them, mouth suspended in an o over a low moan, eyes bright with the surprise of sincere desire. his asshole clenches at nikolaiās fingertip, desperate to draw him inside, cock twitching. ] Good. Keep ā
[ and then itās gone, an ache unanswered. does he want me to ask for it? nikolai surrounds him and lifts him before he can decide whether heās willing to beg, his legs locking at the waist, arms tightening at his shoulders and back. an indignant sound rises into a short laugh. ] It killed you to be still the last time, didnāt it. [ annoyed and astonished that anyone would think to carry him, but heās quick to kiss nikolaiās cheek, nosing under his jaw affectionally and sucking a mark at his throat to match the one fading at his neck.
on the bed, he pulls nikolai to him as eagerly as he had in the cave, legs parted to invite him closer, hands urging at his back. he kisses nikolai like heāll never get the chance again, groaning both when nikolai takes him in hand and when nikolai lets him go. if he werenāt worried heād drown in water this deep on his own, he might bristle more at being led. as things are, he eases onto his hands and knees, breath coming in pants, and he canāt help but make a plaintive noise at the doubled pressure inside him, pushing back slowly, intuitively. he knows the exact point where nikolai renews a mark, moaning softly at the thought of it. another thing he didnāt have to ask for.
this is different. a cession of control, a clamor of sensation, especially for someone unused to any kind of contact. and still not enough, want burning brighter and hotter ā ]
Want this. [ knows thatās not what nikolai means, but heās working up to it, hands curling in the comforter. he thinks about how much nikolai gives him, full of warmth and light where kaz has only dregs of the stuff to offer in return. he thinks of how much more nikolai wants to give him, if only heād ask. his heart judders in his chest. ] Want more ā deeper. [ he swallows thickly, voice strained. ] Want you to fuck me.
[ just you. hasnāt thought of anyone else like this, smothering desires of this kind long before they could flicker into fantasy. ]
[ he asked kaz to ask, and yet it still surprises him when he does it so plainly, sending a shock of pleasure curling through him as if kaz had wrapped his hand around him and touched him. it's rough, crude, like most things about him ā want you to fuck me, raw desire, no finesse beyond that, but nikolai is proud to hear it anyway and more than pleased to oblige. fingers first. he's all the way in now, with kaz feeling so breakable in his careless hands. he has to be better here, now more than ever. he's done so much wrong that he at least has to be able to get this right.
kaz pushes back against him, a promising sign, soft little noises in his throat. he eases his fingers in and out, slow at first, then building to a gentle speed, his free hand ghosting along his cock, then tracing the line of his torso as his moves up, wrapping his fingers gently around his throat. he tips his chin up so he can see the silhouette of his face, the tip of his nose nuzzling into his cheek. ]
You're warm. [ something he doesn't mean to come out, too close to a clue that he's cold. he angles his fingers, pushes them in hard, finds kaz's mouth to kiss away his moans as he moves them inside of him. finds that thin rope of scar tissue at his throat and traces it softly ā regrets it immediately, because he imagines him in a prison with his throat cut open, only it's his black-clawed hands tipped in blood, the taste of it fresh in his mouth. he pulls both of his hands away, drawing in a sharp breath, blinking back the image. it's the monster playing tricks on him ā no, not the monster, just his own scattered mind that he needs to get a hold of. don't ruin this, too.
he smiles, meeting any questions kaz might have with a quick kiss, dragging him down to a pile of fluffy pillows and knocking him to his back, tumbling down with him so he can deepen the kiss while sliding his tongue past his lips. warm. no blood, no snow. he curls a hand through his hair, gentle, as if reminding himself that he's whole and real and here, and then coaxes kaz's legs open, gripping his cock and dragging his thumb along the wetness dripping from the tip. ]
I want this to be good for you. [ not a want. a need. he draws back with a fleeting kiss, lifting kaz's hips, admiring the way he looks beneath him, a pink flush traveling down his skin. he's always urged kaz to stay in these moments, and kaz has asked the same of him. he should listen. he's trying. he touches his own cock, slick and aching, carefully guiding it between kaz's legs. this has never seemed so difficult before, so weighted, and he realizes it's because it's never really meant as much as this. he was so young with dominik, fumbling and needy, no importance placed on this when they had an entire country to make their mark upon. no one else after meant anything even close to that. but with kaz, suddenly this means everything.
a strained breath flutters from his chest when he gently pushes in, unbearably slow, heat of an indescribable intensity enveloping him from the inside. he keeps his hips steady, hand sliding up kaz's waist to glide to the small of his back, lifting him carefully from the bed just so. it takes every bit of his self control not to just push in. he listens to the pull of kaz's body, slows when he feels him straining. watches him carefully and stays in this moment, marveling that he has kaz brekker in this bed. that at least for now, nikolai is allowed to be his. ]
It's okay. [ he eases down, finding kaz's hands and pressing them gently into the mattress, lacing their fingers together. he kisses his damp cheek, soothes his lips over kaz's panting mouth. he stills his hips, blond strands falling into his eyes. ] Stay with me, Kaz. Like you always do.
[ hard to say if thatās exactly what nikolai wanted to hear, but it seems to encourage him, resulting in a motion so purposeful that it pushes another cry from his mouth. content to let nikolai ease the way and set the pace, kaz only clumsily strives to match his rhythm as his hand skims higher. wishes he could touch and see nikolai, made more real in his gaze and grasp, but it feels as though kaz has already asked so much of him. too much. more than he can give, certainly.
nikolai is frightfully close, besides, a comforting weight over him, alongside him. youāre warm echoes strangely in his skull, the pitch slightly off, but he canāt dwell on it, thoughts shattering as nikolai thrusts hard, grazing somewhere deep and sensitive that wrings a gasp from his lungs. no kiss can obscure the shock of nikolai pulling from him, however. immediately, kaz recognises the look of a man caught between two places, fearful of one and clinging to another. where did you go? slides to the tip of his tongue but the answer crashes into his teeth: somewhere within the monsterās grasp, vision flecked with red and dotted with bodies.
for a moment, he lets nikolai refocus, uninterrupted by questions or concerns. his own worries could be mistaken for mere affection, flowing from his sure hands, finally able to reach nikolai after being bereft for agonising minutes. they cradle his face, thumb arcing over his cheek; tuck the blond strands behind his ears; smooth over his shoulder, down his torso to squeeze his hip, then his cock. kisses featherlight at the corner of his perfect mouth, the tense line of his jaw. all actions that say iām here, iām here, with you because i want to be. although his legs fall open and his hands drop aside to let nikolai retake the lead, kaz first hitches higher on his elbows to catch nikolaiās gaze, bright against his constellation of freckles. itās obvious how much he cares, nerves creasing his brow, earnest hope lighting those eyes he adores ā kazās chest pangs over ever having doubted him. ]
[ his voice scrapes his throat, heavy with want. ] Itās already good for me. Itās you. [ like itās simple, like nikolai himself is enough. kaz tips back without instruction, a renewed rush of vulnerability loosing a ragged exhale. suddenly, heās too aware of how exposed he is, how frayed each nerve feels, angled for nikolai to see and touch things no one else has ever dared. his gaze swings to the unfamiliar ceiling before he nods back to nikolai. half of him begs to seize control, while the other just aches to have nikolai between his thighs, the absurd, overwhelming desire for him flushing his skin anew. (youāre so warm, distant but still intelligible, because nikolai is the cold one, for once.) he lifts his hips when nikolai slides a pillow beneath them, grasping his bicep to steady them both. cock hard and waiting even without nikolaiās attention.
never wanted anything, anyone like this. a desire to disassemble and reassemble every part of nikolai, a miracle of bones and sinew in a quavering frame, whirring with life. didnāt even think himself capable of this wanting, let alone having so intimately. an unprecedented closeness. itās staggering. awe parts his mouth. with a stuttered inhale, the head of nikolaiās cock pushes past the initial ring of resistance. his fingers indent nikolaiās arm as his other hand fists in the bedspread. itās easier from there, in a way. fuller, in other. this time, he has nikolai filling his vision (just like he wanted but hadnāt asked for), answering the impossible ache inside him, a tender sort of focus on his face. ]
I know. [ bothered and glad for it, all his hard angles softened. how many times must he say it? i know because itās you. even when the current drags him elsewhere, he finds his way back. nikolai will do the same for him tonight ā and after that. a minor drift is cut short by nikolai entwining their fingers and winding his arms down. kaz blinks until he recalibrates, grounding himself in the strength of those lightning-struck hands, electricity crackling from their clasp, thrumming through his veins and zipping down his spine.
an incremental stretch to the limit still reaches the limit in question. cold radiates outward from his pelvis, warmth fighting to cover the same ground. ] Iām with you. [ a breathless assurance. ] Itās good. Just ā wait. [ in the span of heartbeats, he catches nikolaiās mouth with a tip of his head, soothing the nerves rubbed raw. ] Okay. Okay. Keep going. [ spine arching to urge him on and puzzle out the distinct mechanics of how they fit together, flush against each other. a wounded animal noise slips past his defences, fingers tightening their hold. ] Only ever wanted you like this ā Nikolai, please. [ too keyed up to make the conscious decision to hold back words of that kind any longer. itās far more important ā vital even, that nikolai know how much heās needed. ]
[ i'm with you, words he desperately clings to as he struggles to remain here in this moment. the depth of kaz's emotion crests over him, pulling him back, their mouths brushing as his hips stutter at kaz's command, pressing in until he's flush between his legs. heat pools between them, impossibly good, and he doesn't know how he manages to remain still, but he does, allowing kaz time to adjust to the feeling of this. he tries not to think about how he needs the moment to pull himself together, how he's worried that he can't. ]
Good. [ he noses along kaz's cheek, lashes fluttering along his skin. ] You're doing good. You feel ā feel so good. [ and it's more than just the sensation coursing through his body. it's the way kaz looks at him now, like he's seeing too much of him and still not turning away, like nikolai is still something to be handled tenderly, to be treated with such care after the things he's done. kaz keeps giving him more than he deserves, keeps toeing the line between life and death just for him. what if he hadn't come back? it makes him hold him tighter, makes it even worse to know he has to let him go.
gently, he moves his hips, testing out a careful rhythm. one hand loosens its hold to grip kaz's wounded thigh, drawing his leg around his waist. a ragged breath escapes him, his eyes closing ā bright blood, pale snow, images flickering behind his lids. he buries his face in the soft space beneath kaz's ear, another breath pulled haggardly into his lungs. don't ruin this. he lifts his gaze, tipping their mouths together, finding the blue of kaz's eyes to anchor him here. ]
I've thought about you like this for so long. [ prefacing a kiss, his tongue sliding past his lips, a desperate attempt to get the taste of blood out of his mouth. the pleasure and terror warring in his mind feels like it might tear him in two, hips pushing more roughly into kaz now, careful to watch for signs that he can't take any more. ] It's better ā better than I imagined.
[ and so much worse, because in his fantasies he never balanced so precariously on such a thin line between desire and death. stay, he thinks to himself, and still he feels his mind veering, dropping his face to hide in kaz's throat again, a softly strangled moan pushing out of him. he shudders with each snap of his hips, trying to focus his hopelessly scattered mind ā pieces of himself strewn across bloodstained snow, pieces of himself held in kaz's nimble hands, pieces of himself lost in places he can't reach. ]
Keep me here. [ a ragged whisper, out before he can snatch the words back. a request he never meant to say aloud, a burden he never wanted to drop so squarely onto kaz's wounded shoulders. an impossible task, one kaz has already confessed to not knowing how to tackle that terrible night in novyi zem. guilt floods him. he uncurls their other hand so he can trace gentle fingers along kaz's sharp cheekbones. ] Will you ā touch yourself? Let me see your face while you do.
[ sensation layered and doubling, aligned with the whole of him, from where nikolai pushes flush to the lashes kissing his cheek. itās as if liquid heat pours out of him and fills kaz up. his mouth stretches over a long, low groan. the assurance, the praise sparks his attention, blues flashing in answer. already, something tugs low, a call to chase, hips canting up in response. ]
Hah ā [ the pain-pleasure of nikolai gripping his thigh, like pressing a bruise. ] So do you. [ as quick to learn in this as kaz is in all things, locking a leg at nikolaiās waist when guided back. his free hand swiftly plunges into nikolaiās hair, tangling firm to drag him into every kiss. and trap him at the hollow of kazās throat, too, the only security he can offer against those shuddering breaths.
for so long, he says, and that seems impossible. well, improbable, but then so is the way nikolai curves over him, setting a galvanising pace that has kaz rocking up against him, legato pants only broken on the rebound. strangely gratifying, to imagine nikolai thinking of him like this when kaz had still been trying not to look for too long, skin prickling every time he was caught. in an instant, the reverse occurs ā nikolai definitively exposed, rib cage opened up so kaz can see and seize his heart. his pulse pangs at the sight, a throbbing that reaches the still-molten core of him.
scenarios shuffle in his mind, the next play selected with expedient precision. no time to overthink. ]
[ gently, ] I canāt. [ keep him, even though kaz said he would and meant it. the mistake he made in novyi zen was the first domino that clattered down, knocking block after block until they stained the fjerdan snowscapes crimson. his fault, as much as nikolaiās. all his miscalculations added to their inevitable sum. even so, any guilt kaz experiences is on behalf of but one person, though others paid with their lives. he squeezes the nape of nikolaiās neck, blunt nails scratching the skin. ] Let go, and then find your way back.
[ nikolai should know this refrain after all the times kaz has been pulled under in his arms ā after begging him to still, when they actually fell into the sea. if you fight the riptide, youāre more likely to drown, after all. you have to let the current carry you out before you can swim back to shore. or, as inej might say, the trick is in knowing how to fall. always time for unsolicited advice from the philosopher crook, even if that means pausing or stopping this affair entirely. thereās no point in being here and having this without nikolai able to enjoy it.
black-tipped fingers flutter in his periphery. kaz tilts his head just so, brushing his lips over nikolaiās palm in acknowledgement of his request and shakiness both. if nikolai finds himself floating, kaz can be the counterweight for a change. he must. ]
Back to my voice. [ he slips his other hand between them, skimming over the flat of his stomach before gripping his cock and letting a ragged sound spill from his lips where heād normally hush it. can feel himself tighten around nikolai, new but good. his nimble fingers gather wetness from the tip and stroke down his length. itās immediately clear that he wonāt last like this, with nikolai sliding in and out while his own confidence mounts, meeting each thrust. a ratcheting intensity. his features loosen, grin sudden and boyish as head falls back, throat bared. ] My face. [ that nikolai seems partial to, obviously. a visual and tactile learner, he thinks wryly, hooking a protective arm across his shoulders. desperate as he is, kaz wonāt push onward unless nikolaiās shaky pieces reassemble in his hold. some things are too precious to risk. ]
[ i can't. a strange relief to hear it, that he won't have to pry this guilt from kaz's fingers like last time. he can't. no one can. nikolai can hardly manage the job himself, a miserable task he wouldn't wish on anyone. a mind like his, an impossible energy like this, now a curse thrown on top of something already wildly unmanageable... who would even want to? kaz looks at him like he's something he's not, seeing things that just can't be there, because there's no way he deserves to be the sole focus of his tender gaze, no way he deserves all the danger he puts himself through just to be here with him. ]
I can't. [ let go. a quiet whisper, a match to his words. letting go comes with too much risk. what will he see, what will he do? you used to be overfond of risk. what's so different now? throwing his own life to chance has always been a terrifying exhilaration, a high stakes gamble he'd be handsomely rewarded for. he loved the thrill, despised that he couldn't live without it, dreaded that he'd have to come back to court and leave his sensational, patchwork life behind to rescue his beloved country that his parents drove into the ground. he'd still done it. and yet this seems impossible, here, now, to give up the smallest bit of control even when it feels like holding on will kill him.
is he the drowning man now? kaz pulls his focus back, gripping his neck, and nikolai tries to find the sky in his eyes again, steady, clear. fjerda's skies are too pale, ketterdam's skies too dreary. kaz's eyes are like a ravkan sky in the deep evening, still aglow with the light of the sun, the pinks and oranges already washed away, a view he's admired many nights from the palace terraces. let go, and then find your way back. but the sky is so vast and he doesn't want to admit to the fear at home in his veins. does he know? he has to. kaz always seems to know, when it comes to him.
his lips flutter over his palm, nikolai's fingers twitching in surprise. the scars don't bother him the way they used to, but he doesn't think he'll ever be comfortable when he looks at the stains marking his fingers, the shadows trailing down to his wrists. doesn't think he'll ever be thrilled to remove his gloves in public when the situation requires it of him. doesn't think he's ever felt lips on his marred hands until kaz decided his belonged there. it hits him at once that he's fucking kaz brekker in a fjerdan palace, and kaz isn't drowning, isn't turning away, but instead leading him away from cold, bloodstained snow and back into the circle of his arms. what stars had to align for this moment to happen, he doesn't know. he's grateful to them anyway. ]
Okay. [ it's all he can give. he has to try. he'll always try. and if he falls, it's with kaz. a risk he can take.
kaz complies with his request ā and not just complies, but eagerly so, wearing his pleasure openly in a way he couldn't have managed when all of this began. nikolai's brow tightens when kaz clenches around him, trailing sparks of heat with each drag of his hips. the column of his throat stretches before him like an invitation, and for one terrible moment he imagines teeth sinking into flesh and delicate bone, the hot rush of blood filling his mouth. briefly, he shuts his eyes. back to my voice. ]
Keep talking. [ he rises, arms around kaz as he pulls him up with him, seated in his lap and pressed deep inside of him. ] And don't come yet. [ a different ask from his usual race to push kaz over the edge again and again, this time wanting to prolong the moment, to make him feel every bit of this. he thrusts into him in a steady rhythm, gaze tilted up to watch his face hungrily, committing these sounds and sights to memory to fill the loneliness of what comes next.
find your way back. he pushes the thought from his mind, his mouth pressing carefully to kaz's jumping pulse. his world narrows to the rush of blood, the salt of his skin, the rapid pounding of his heart. or is it his own? kaz makes a sound and for a moment he's terrified his fangs have found a way into his throat, but it's a sound of pleasure from the snap of his hips, tremors gripping his body. no blood. sweat slides down his temple, darkening his hair. he can taste it on kaz's skin, different from the taste of blood. it's all different. it's warm here, and kaz has his arms around him, and when was the last time someone held him like this? he kisses kaz's throat again, the sharp line of his jaw, the bruise he left for him to remember, and he keeps one arm braced securely around him while his other strays to kaz's wet cock, fingers rough as he grips him tightly. ]
Do you want to come? [ he noses at kaz's jaw, watching every thrust shake him apart more and more, a soft whine in his throat at the mere sight. he's just barely holding on, his hips stuttering with the need to let go. he drags his thumb down kaz's weeping tip and exhales in a shudder when he tightens around him again. ] Ask.
[ kaz suspects the stakes of this relationship, whatever blurred categories it falls into, have risen higher than either of them anticipated. thereās the last glimmer of resistance, held in nikolaiās fearful eyes and tense frame ā kaz sees that because he knows himself and nikolai both, with their unquiet minds, always buzzing, often worrying. has been cataloging nikolai's tells since his gold-dusted stare illuminated the wound in his chest. they share a tendency to go away inside, stubbornness locking down what troubles them for as long as they can manage.
so, that nikolai will try to let go is enough. no word more hopeful than okay, tentative as it is, possibility secure inside it. the promise eases kazās posture even though nikolai swiftly asks for more from him. more words when heās spent all that he has; restraint, when heās never felt desire like this. nikolai is always striving for the best, the most. insatiable. kaz tries to disguise a whimper as a scoff when nikolai tells him not to come, eyes closing and re-opening as he digs his fingers into nikolaiās hip instead.
worth it, however, to have nikolai returned to him, kissing at his vulnerable points, arm gallantly winding at his waist, fucking into him with renewed focus. and looking at him like ā saints, like thereās enough of kaz left to answer the hunger etched into his face. in truth, all kaz can do is try to reflect a sliver of the light nikolai has shone on him. ]
There you are. [ a conscious effort to vocalise his thoughts, just as nikolai asked of him. kaz huffs it out as he shifts his weight, thighs splayed and trembling on nikolaiās lap. not unlike how he'd been positioned the first-to-second time, armoured and hesitant. different now, closer than heās ever been and still clinging tight enough to melt their skin together, with nikolai bucking deeper and deeper inside him. foreheads bumping, his lips graze nikolaiās cheek. on an impulse, he skates his hand up nikolaiās side, catching on every notch of his ribs, over the curve of his shoulder, up his throat to curl at his jaw. doesnāt have enough hands to touch everywhere he wants at once, but it helps commit the topography to memory. for as long as this night lasts, kaz can keep him. ]
My demanding Nikolai. [ gaze slitted and mouth quirked, indignation made altogether fond. keep talking. if itās the last time, the last chance to convey all the things kaz likes about him ā ] Greedy, brave, [ praise scattering across uneven breaths and sloppy kisses. ] clever, impossible, perfect.
[ nikolai takes him in hand, and he almost folds, caught between the urge to push up into his grip and down onto his cock. face hot, burning up with the need and the thought of nikolaiās pending request. must he ask for everything now? the flex of sweat-slick skin beneath him, beside him, all over him is an unending distraction. ]
I want to ā [ thrown off by a particularly sweet thrust, reveling in the noise nikolai makes. eyes wild and pupils blown by the sight of nikolai looking as shipwrecked as feels. good. every nerve alights, the sense of a wave cresting over him. his voice strains. ] Let me come, Nikolai. [ a hiccuping breath. it almost crashes into him then, how much he wants nikolai, how heās begging for it ā and so what if he is? no harm in giving up crushed sounds every time nikolai rings somewhere true. who can kaz hurt but himself by admitting how gone he is for nikolai lantsov? ] Please touch me. And donāt ā donāt stop moving until you finish. [ he squeezes his muscles with intent. ] Want to feel you.
[ he holds back through the sheer force of his iron will, stubbornly unwilling to let this moment end. it's not enough. he suspects even breaking kaz open and allowing all the dark, glittering parts of him to see the light still wouldn't be enough to match the longing he feels for him. he wants him in his arms always, wants to see his gloomy scowls, wants to feel his nimble fingers at work. still wants him in his bed, just for one night. all the things he can't have, shouldn't have, not when he's unraveling so rapidly, hands and teeth stained with blood. the pull between them is too taut now. the thought of letting go devastates him.
but he can't hold onto him like this, can't dig his claws in and keep him out of his own selfish need. he'll wake up one day and find kaz's broken body beneath him. already knows the taste of his blood and the give of his flesh and muscle beneath the rend of his black-tipped talons. he tries to put the thought out of his head, but it runs parallel to his desire, a sharp ache that colors the pleasure begging to spill over, amplified by the way kaz touches him and allows the truth to fall from his lips. demanding, greedy, brave. it's a shock to hear it from kaz, his faults mixed with the good, somehow making it all sound worthy of his affection. ]
You want to? [ a soft little mockery, a breathless laugh as he finds his mouth and kisses him as if he isn't afraid and doesn't feel tiny fractures growing in his heart ā not a new feeling, but it hurts worse every time. pressure builds, his hips growing erratic, a moan dragged from his lips. please touch me, so raw that it aches, his begging as jarring as it is arresting. how can he go without this, without kaz in his orbit? why does he have to give up everything? why does morning always have to come?
kaz's muscles clench, and it's too much, his hand roughly stripping his cock, reveling in the broken sounds kaz makes for him. he can feel kaz's orgasm grip his body, holding him taut, and with a flick of his wrist he sends him over the edge, watching in greedy fascination as kaz shudders in his arms, spilling wet between them. it's enough that he can't hold on any longer, the contraction of his muscles too tight, and nikolai gasps out a breath, burying his face in kaz's throat with a drawn-out groan as he comes inside of him. it's impossibly good, the pulsing heat of kaz's body, the way they both cling to each other as if they'll otherwise fall apart. he will. he needs this moment to last, needs to hold on for as long as he can, because there is nothing good coming after this.
on his side, he brings kaz back down to the bed, arm drawn tightly around his waist as he kisses him, still pushed deep inside of him as his cock softens, tremors moving through his body. his hand slides between kaz's legs when he does draw his hips away, fingers pushing shallowly inside of him to smear through the leaking wetness traveling down his thigh. ]
You could stay. [ soft, quiet nonsense. things bubbling out of him that have no real place to go. his jagged breath catches. ] You and me on the sea together. We don't ever have to go back. Just... together every night. Having adventures every day. The perfect sort of life. [ he swallows, lifting a hand to curl through kaz's hair, fingers gliding gently along the sweat at his temples. his thumb brushes the color at his cheek before he leans in, pressing his lips to the corner of his mouth. a whisper ā ] Just say yes. Just... say you want to as badly as I do.
[ kaz almost bristles at being teased, kissing back desperately, like he has something to prove. maybe he does, since nikolai appears to doubt his worth in the face of all their troubles. the moment rushes past, vision blurring as he comes hard. a cry wraps around nikolaiās name. canāt be long before nikolai fits his head under the curve of his jaw, like a key in a lock, and kaz keeps panting in his hair, sensations still rippling through him. full hot wet inside him, arms tight around his shoulders. he smudges a kiss at his temple as the trembling slows, relieved that nikolai holds on for as long as he does. better to hold onto this for as long as they can, with morning looming overhead.
it takes several blinks to come to himself: on his side in a royal bed with nikolai lantsov, hyper-aware of the way his ribs expand and contract with every breath. astounding, how theyāve found themselves just left of what they both want.
one soft sound after the other, then, when nikolai pulls away from him, only to ease the sudden emptiness with his fingers. heās slick from the inside in a way that burns his cheeks. always too much with nikolai. and never enough.
you could stay. his eyes crack, brow creasing at the implication. the recollection of the last time he gave in to nikolaiās impossible wants and was denied in daylight flashes before him. itās not a trap if you know about it, he tells himself. and kaz has known since novyi zem that these promises of romantic futures are snares laid in his path. itās unfair how much nikolai asks of him in these delicate moments, things kaz never would have thought of if nikolai hadnāt crafted and extended them in a shaky hand. he tips his head to catch nikolaiās mouth in a proper kiss, delaying his answer. as a rule, he prefers harsh truths to sweet lies, but for one night ā if the former is the only comfort he can offer ā kaz exhales audibly. ]
Perfect for you, getting bronzed. [ a wry thing. his bare hand smooths down nikolaiās spine, a rarity to touch him, anyone, so freely. ] Less perfect for me, getting sunburnt.
[ away from his shadowed place in this world. itās a boyās fantasy. a princeās daydream. still, he canāt think of nikolaiās loose expression as anything but sweet. charming, even. it startled him, at first ā and surprises him even now, how much nikolai wants him. every night. every day. all the time, if only in unreality. more than that, kaz remains shocked by how much he wants nikolai in turn. as fond of solitude and quiet as he is, nikolaiās presence has often improved his mood, despite those melancholic tendencies. the thought of spending time with him indefinitely, without ulterior motive, seems frightening but not destructive. a captivating prospect, out of reach though it is. his mouth quirks. ]
Whatever it is youāre asking, [ gently teasing, since he doubts even nikolai knows what he means, caught in the brambles of his mind, like always. ] I say yes. [ covering the hand at his cheek, thumb arcing over his knuckles. ] Because I want you very badly. [ any and every way kaz can have him. a quick kiss seals the deal. ] Enough to spend ā one third of my days at sea. [ he clicks his tongue, feigning thoughtfulness. ] Perhaps half, if you enhance the offer.
[ if heās indulging this fantasy, it ought to meet his own exacting standards. ]
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[ dryly, ] Since the price of being seen would be a lion or gull gutting you for my attention, care isnāt the word I would use. [ but itās just a fantasy, isnāt it? every moment nikolai fails to ask and allows last night to drift further from them, it becomes more unreal. ]
Nikolai ā [ kaz catches him in the curl of his arm, clothed but not gloved, and it sets every nerve aflame. sweat at his palms, the hollow of his neck, the crooks of his elbows, despite the chill in the air, stiffening his bones. the line of his shoulder pulls rigid. his stomach fucking roils. like always, the fear is worse, immobilising him as his vision blurs. both through his cracked gaze and behind his eyelids, he can only see nikolai, dead in his arms because of the choices he made. the mistakes.
you have to go get him. kaz pushes himself to his knees, lifting nikolai with him. his hitching breaths reek of rot. has to leverage one hand on the bedframe to get near upright from there, steadying enough to carry nikolai the same way he did last night and gentle him back onto the bed. hands quick to pull away where theyād so comfortably lingered last night. ]
Stay with me until I find it. Describe the dose.
[ he staggers away from the bed and wobbles a step, hands on his thighs. for a moment, retching seems inevitable: proof that the spectres can rush him back to the start as they please. another blink, and heās leaning against the desk, unseeing eyes staring at the tonics nikolai keeps on hand.
the first uncorked bottle smells like everything else in the room ā like decay ā and he swears under his breath. closes his eyes, then, thinking of how it had felt easier last night, with nikolai in his bed. is that going to be enough for you? no, of course not. how could it be, when nikolai keeps offering him more, even if ā well, even if he doesnāt mean it. impossible to say whether the hope or the hurt clears his senses, but the next bottle smells sickly sweet, and the one after that stings his nose. absinthe. his feet drag back the way he came, although he hesitates before sitting on the edge of the bed. unsure if he can bear to touch nikolai again like this.
with a controlled exhale, he eases nikolaiās head into his lap, the hot, sticky skin at his neck sending a tremor up his arm. shaky fingers smooth over nikolaiās lips, barely there touch urging them to open before he administers the dose and sets the bottle aside, lest he knock it over with his unstable limbs. as nikolai returns to himself, kaz wipes his hands on his vest and scrubs them over his face, carding back through his hair. nikolai feels like heās dying because he is, yes, but his starry eyes arenāt glassy yet. thatās an illusion. which of course means itās fooled the mind, and is therefore just as perilous as reality. for a moment, all he can do is force himself to breathe. you have to let him go echoes once more.
finally, flattening his hands against the sheets, kaz stabilises his body and voice. ]
Do I have you still, Nikolai? [ hushed with his head bent over him, hair falling back in his face. canāt quite snap his features shut, even paler than usual from the nausea. ]
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Kaz. Put them back on. [ his eyes flicker toward the discarded gloves on the table. the plague. of course. ] With or without them, you're not any further away from me.
[ it must be what he's seeing now. his brother, sick and dying. he felt his corpse, his decaying body in the water. nikolai's hand curls around his elbow, gently squeezing. a reminder that he's still here, still alive, still with him. you still have me. words he can't bring himself to say, just as he can't bring himself to ask what he told himself he would. come to ravka with me feels more impossible with each passing minute, a dream that should stay just that. a dream, one of many gone unfulfilled. what is it that kaz keeps saying? people aren't meant to be kept? you can't make them stay? would kaz really say yes if he asked?
but how can he, like this? he pushes up, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand. kaz doesn't deserve this version of him ā not sure if he deserves any version of him ā unpredictable, unwell, useless. what can he truly offer him? his mind clears, the tonic dispersing the weight of exhaustion he's been carrying for days, leaving him alert at last. genya's potions got him through the better part of a year, but kaz has no idea how strong they are. how much did he give him? ]
Will you... [ just ask. can it be so simple? he glances at kaz, looks away just as quickly. he feels more awake than ever ā but the demon feels like it's roused from slumber as well, everything he wants and all the promises hanging just within reach suddenly snatched further away as every muscle tightens in the worst kind of anticipation. ] Leave. I need you to leave.
[ he springs from the bed, hauling kaz up with him and manhandling him to the door. this control is such a tenuous thing, ready to snap at any moment, and he won't have kaz here to witness it. not when this feels worse than the other times, deadlier. kaz won't leave this room alive. that much he's sure of. it's all-consuming, the need to give in to this depravity, to let go and allow the demon to take hold after so long of keeping it locked away. kaz's unsteady heartbeat is thunderous in his ears, his teeth longing to sink deep into his skin. fear seeps cold into his bones. what if he can't find his way back this time? he has to get off the ship, away from kaz, away from everyone he knows. he can't get around sating this bloodlust this time. he's going to kill, and he won't let it be kaz. ]
If I don't ā [ he struggles for words, shoving kaz through the door, sending his cane skittering into the hall as an afterthought and sliding off his heavy signet ring with the lantsov seal embossed into the gold. he presses it into kaz's bare hand, warmed from his skin. ] Write to the new Fjerdan Queen. Use my seal but sign the letter with your name. She knows who you are. I ā you have to leave me. Find the heart. It's more important than me.
[ he slams the door before kaz can offer a rebuttal, hastily fastening the locks. no time to have him chain him again, not when his hands are already lengthening to claws, his teeth growing sharp, sinking to his knees as shadowy wings unfurl from his back. he tries to hold on to his mind, tries to keep himself in this moment, but his grip dissolves to darkness and regret. a shower of splintered wood and he's breaking off the ship, taking to the skies where only fractured images filter through his head. snow-lined treetops, glittering white, unfamiliar terrain. time becomes something unmeasured, days shifting into night ā and blood. so much blood. the drĆ¼skelle have been reformed under the new fjerdan leadership, nina and her handsome prince, but pockets of dissenters remain deep in the snowy lands, and that's where the demon finds its prey, leaving a trail of bodies across the permafrost, a days-long horror plaguing the fjerdan forests.
when he wakes he expects to find himself half-frozen in the snow, closer to death than life. instead he's in a bed surrounded by unfamiliar walls, exhausted but blessedly human again. too big to be on his ship, too steady. he gingerly gets to his feet, taking stock of his injuries ā nothing terrible, a few bandages looped across one shoulder, some scrapes and bruises along his ribs. he aches all over, like he took a tumble down a mountainside. maybe he did. someone left clothes for him ā a linen shirt, trousers, sturmhond's coat. he dresses quickly and moves to the window, drawing back the curtains. snow. they're still in fjerda. blood-soaked snow flashes across his mind just as the door opens, and relief floods him as tamar comes in.
she fills him in quickly. it's been four days since he left the ship, since she discovered his secret, since she nearly killed kaz for not saying anything. in that time kaz followed his orders and wrote to the new queen and earned a quick invitation to the palace in djerholm ā just as he knew he would ā along with a discreet search party to track down the former king hunting her errant subjects. nikolai has no idea how many men he must've killed. the thought curdles his stomach, sits there and festers. doesn't know what to do with it even if he figures out a number, which he won't. it feels like the first time all over again.
he asks if brekker has made progress with the mission, and tamar informs him that he's currently out with anika and doesn't make a habit of informing anyone of his returning hours. nikolai hides his disappointment. he told him to look for the heart and can hardly be upset that he is. he only worries what he might do without nikolai to rein him in. he dons his coat and requests to see nina instead despite the fact that he's still running a fever, feeling no better than before, but staying in bed and attempting rest means tossing restlessly through memories of blood and snow, and he isn't ready to face the full weight of the horrors of his recent crimes.
he has a long dinner with nina and tamar that devolves into him confessing more of his currently wretched state than he intends, but it feels like something of a relief to share the burden among friends. nina lets it slip that kaz had unearthed her identity within the first thirty seconds of sharing the room with her, and nikolai finds himself missing him while simultaneously dreading being alone with him again. what will he say? how will he explain any of this? he feels he has less and less to offer him each day, and ravka feels further away than ever. you weren't meant to have this. is a bastard really meant to have anything?
nina has installed grisha healers at djerholm, but they can do little for his fever and aches. instead of attempting sleep, he roams the hallways late into the night ā far less gilded than the grand palace, and more wolves and ash trees engraved into the walls than he's ever seen in his life ā and watches the windows for any signs for kaz's return, though knowing him he'll sneak in undetected and come up behind him any minute now. ]
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itās anika threatening to shoot tamar (unhelpful, but charming) and producing the sealed letter (helpful, charm neutral) that delays his corporal punishment. kaz keeps nikolaiās ring hidden in the breast pocket of his vest, relieved that no one asks for it. more than anything, he wishes that he could speak the strategy forming in his mind with ā with nikolai ā but thereās no one else.
until thereās nina zenik. impossible as a prince disguised as a privateer. the fjerdan queen meets him personally, a twinkle in her eye as she muffles matters of state into a ravkan pastry, crumbs scattering across her dĆ©colletage, and well. if warmth surges inside him to see her, he hopes it doesnāt show on his face. they speak of the job candidly, as they always have. she asks why he hasnāt yet struck out on his own, and he tells her that he sent word to ketterdam that morning, requesting two other dregs join him. wonāt say explicitly that heās finished playing this game in accordance with bloody royals and ravkans, but itās there. why work with them at all, then? a question zenik echoes. he acknowledges nikolaiās clever mind begrudgingly, and that makes her laugh. after a sobering pause, she broaches the matter of the wound festering in his shoulder, throbbing proof of how far both he and nikolai let their judgment fall.
no need to ask for an explanation for how she knows of it, the grisha principle spoken by the imagined and present nina in unison. like calls to like. she canāt heal the living any longer, but she can manipulate the dead and inhuman. for the first time in all their jobs together, kaz allows her to touch him. accordingly, she spends hours extracting merzost in inky black pulls, the otherworldly pain overriding kazās disgust and dragging cry after cry from his throat. had it been spreading, killing the whole time? he tumbles into bed, too tired to think of anything but green-gold eyes and gold-gold hair. only when he wakes the next day with full range of motion in his shoulder, mind cleared of the simmering pain thatās plagued him since novyi zem, does he realise it absolutely was.
when assembling his final crew, the only ravkan he picks is a heartrender, one he judges as more interested in money than glory, an admirable trait in a man. tamar is too busy hunting her king to be as furious as sheād like with his newfound independence. on the second day since nikolai disappeared, kazās five make quick work of the tunnels, finding a shimmering key for their trouble. on the third, they encounter a party of black tips, and kaz has the distinct pleasure of cracking their lieutenantās leg under his boot, when they refuse parley. on day four, when nikolai awakens, a courier tries and fails to reach him and anika in the city, belatedly learning that kaz took his crew under with supplies to last days and no explanation of his plan. another night passes without word. zenik squashes whispers of a betrayal: brekker only reneges on deals when cheated first, which means, of course, that heās found something promising or troubling.
on the sixth night (the third without word from brekker), a search party returns with anikaās green overcoat, shredded and bloody, as alarming as it is lucky. the wolves have a scent to chase now. and yet, on the seventh day since nikolai broke from the ship, they find no further signs of life or death. under the cover of darkness, kaz brekkerās crew slips into the court undetected, the five members (including anika, with her arm in a makeshift sling) hide in the servantsā quarters, while kaz sneaks into the royal bedchamber.
would it kill you to use the front door? zenik grumbles as she throws a pillow at his head and, to her credit, just misses, sitting up in her nightdress with her noble, doting husband in tow. her eyes widen to dinner plates at the state of him, white gear flooded red down his front. the best thieves make exits when they find none is his only explanation. whatever he saw down there, only he and his crew know, and they appear either too loyal or shaken to talk.
the new plan goes like this: keep up the ruse that his crew is missing, sending out both a search party to the caves and another, decoy team to ravka in the morning with the majority of nikolaiās crew. outsiders will think they have the heart and insiders will think him dead, the job failed. no one on nikolaiās crew is to know itās a feint, including tamar, which will further dim his chances of a royal pardon, no doubt. canāt be helped, with the snake who leaked the job and the caves still among them.
once theyāve gone, kaz will escort the heart of sankt feliks to the dragon queen himself and collect his reward. together with the king and queen, kaz secures the damned relic in fjerdaās near impenetrable vaults just after midnight. as theyāre parting ways, nina shares that they found nikolai. whatever crosses his features makes her squint at him, seeing through to his haphazardly arranged, broken insides. heāll be chained up for the night, kaz reminds himself, squashing every foolish impulse to race to his side and ā what? shout at him? beg for forgiveness?
nina hides his cane in her room, too identifiable for their plot to succeed. exhausted and wild-eyed, hair dried in a jagged part down the middle, he limps through the halls looking like a rather violently murdered ghost, en route to his room. doesnāt hear nikolaiās footsteps because he isnāt moving when kaz rounds the corner, still as a spectre in a window overlooking the palace grounds. a wave of relief crashes over him, so strong that he nearly buckles. ]
All saints. [ didnāt mean to say that. canāt think of anything else to add, features cracked open. ] Itās you. [ and not as a thought or dream, flickering every time kaz closed his eyes. his voice echoes down the icy hall, rasp ground raw. ] I thought you were ā you should be in bed.
[ he lifts his chin, lamplight glinting off a bruise high on his razored cheekbone. separated by the length of the hallway, the deaths caused by his mistakes guiding nikolaiās clawed hands, it feels impossible to go to him. his unchecked ā and unwisely encouraged ā want for nikolai made him selfish in a way he never before allowed. his gloved hands fist at his side, an attempt at keeping them from reaching out. in ketterdam, he had supported each of his crows to leave his side in turn, even as he thought of a thousand ways to bind them to him. thatās what he should have done from the start, even if it meant snuffing the spark between them and never having a closeness like theirs. ]
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it's a relief to see that nina is happy, one piece of deliriously good news he'll be glad to bring back to zoya before unloading all of the bad. he thinks of kaz constantly. nina assures him that kaz brekker is unable to be killed, unable to be outsmarted, unable to be bested at any job. he's a demon that crawled out of the pits of hell, a man who manufactures his own luck; once he decides he wants something, he will have it no matter the cost. she tells him not to worry, that kaz will not only return, but he'll return with the heart in his possession, and nikolai supposes she would know, being a member of his gang long before kaz brekker ever fell into his orbit. he makes it seem like his concern is more for the heart than brekker, more for the fate of the world if they don't keep the blight suppressed than for the canal rat that consumes most of his thoughts by day and all of his thoughts at night.
tamar secures his chains and stands guard at his door, and his loneliness has never felt more pervasive, more permanent than now. he's seen a thousand deaths in his lifetime, but the images that flash behind his eyelids now rattle him in a brand new way. these aren't the deaths met in a battlefield. these are executions, a massacre at his hands, men crying out for their lives, helpless to match his strength. he has to go back to ravka, and he can't bring kaz with him, because what if it happens again? his dreams dwindle away to impossibilities, all the things he wanted to share with him, more firsts he wanted to give him, now out of reach. someone else can do it. he doesn't need you. he dreads his nights more than ever now, taking to wandering the halls again and again, finding patches of snowy moonlight to lose his thoughts in. he hears kaz's voice everywhere, so often that he doesn't turn immediately, not until he keeps hearing it and tilts his head to find his bloody image standing haggardly in the middle of the pristine hallway. blinks once, then again. he doesn't disappear. his lungs fill with a sudden, startled breath, like morning light piercing the thickest of clouds. ]
Brekker. [ he turns, takes a step, stops abruptly. he shouldn't. but kaz is bloodied and without his cane, something haunted and wild in his wide eyes. of course he needs to go to him. he's still dressed and fully armed, never having made it to bed tonight. when did kaz make it back? of course he hadn't seen him come in, of course he wouldn't use the door. does he have the heart? he finds he doesn't care. nikolai is still feverish, eyes bright, strands of his golden hair darkened by the sweat gleaming at his temples, but he comes close anyway, his hands ā gloved ā aching to touch him. kaz wasn't doing well the last time he saw him, pale and sickly and seeing ghosts once more. he doesn't know if seeing him will bring that rushing back. he doesn't know what he's seen in the days past. ] Saints, Brekker, you look like you've gutted a cow. Are you hurt? Are you ā [ he finally reaches out, just barely touching him, one hand ghosting over his side, the other cupping his elbow. doesn't know if he'll pull back, only knows it'll hurt if he does. ] Are you all right?
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Yes. [ a moment late, with the slightest shake of his head, brows tightening and loosening as he recalibrates. nikolai alive, human, here. the one person kaz has shown vulnerability to before, the only person he might consider flaying himself for again after seven days of ceaseless strength. donāt falter now. firmer then, ] Yes. I took a gamble, Nikolai. [ in the acts that led to the mission and the blood. a hunch shaded in with reason and intelligence, lined with luck of his own making. wouldnāt have spirited his crew away without telling the ravkans for anything less. should he ask forgiveness? it simply isnāt in his nature to do so. ] Every businessman worth his kruge knows which risks to take, or no one would ever turn a profit.
[ kaz lifts his other hand, glove dirtied, dried red and black. will the smell of blood that both is and isnāt his own wake the demon? he finds he doesnāt care. more pressing is the concern that a covered touch like this would prove inadequate for what he means to covey. the nikolai of then reminds him with or without them, you're not any further away from me. no spare mental capacity to consider whether nikolai even wants him this close anymore, fingers first brushing his cheek, then cradling his jaw when the fluttering in his ribcage sinks no lower than that. it would be easy to kiss him like this. harder not to, really, the memories of the barge and volkvolny leagues from where they stand. a glutton for punishment whispers the voice that might be dirtyhands, or might be what he imagines jordie would sound like, if he lived long enough to stay an older brother. ]
If Iād heard you were here, I would have ā [ abandoned the job and come back? no, but he would have wanted to desperately. ] Well, I would have written. [ hasnāt the faintest idea what he would have said, with his clever tongue twisted into knots. frankly, he wouldn't have said anything. nikolai knows him and, therefore, knows this. he allows the thought to heighten the arch of his brows and tip the angle of his head, so at the very least he appears to be in on the joke. kaz brekker is an arrow, unerring once loosed on a target. his amendment comes quick, ] I would have thought about writing. [ voice aching. ] I did think of you. [ he blinks twice, as if only realising what he said seconds after saying it. ]
Are you ā [ not all right. canāt be. ] Are you hurt?
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he's so preoccupied with his thoughts that kaz's touch takes him by surprise ā a good surprise, one that draws him back to the moment, grounds him here. kaz's glove is filthy. he wants to slip it off, but doesn't dare, leaning into the soft leather despite the blood, lifting his hand from his side and gently curling his own gloved fingers around the pale strip of bare skin at his wrist. i would have written. his mouth stretches to a smile for the first time in days at the thought of kaz halting the job to pen him a letter saying ā what? his shoulders begin to shake, lips pressed shut in an attempt to stifle a guffaw, an attempt that wholeheartedly fails, because soon he's dissolving into peals of laughter, one hand splayed over his face. ]
What would you have written? Never throw my cane into the hallway again or I'll break your kneecaps? [ he snorts, dropping his forehead to kaz's shoulder to muffle his giggles. ] We tried to get a message to you, or at least they told me later that they did, but I knew you wouldn't read it in the slim chance that it even got to you because it wouldn't be important enough since you have my bloody seal.
[ he stops to catch his breath, his laughter dying down to something else, something that leaves his heartbeat rapid, thunderous, his throat constricting. his eyes feel suddenly wet as he turns his face into kaz's throat, his arms wrapping tight around his waist. i did think of you. words that make him feel weak, chest shuddering around a breath. what is he supposed to do with it? how is he supposed to tell kaz that this is the end, that nothing he wanted is going to happen, that he can't see that prized painting above his desk at the crow club, that he can't kiss him at sunrise in his window overlooking the harbor? kaz called him a liar in novyi zem. it was true then and it's true now, and still he doesn't want it to be. ]
I'm fine. [ he whispers it just beneath his ear, pressing his lips to the faded bruise he'd left a week ago. a lifetime ago. the only time they've ever shared a bed. he lifts his head and mimics kaz's touch, cradling his jaw, caressing his hair, and there in the middle of the hallway he presses their lips together, one arm wound firm around his waist, keeping him close despite the blood soaking his clothes. he doesn't want to let him go, doesn't ever want to let him go. for the first time doesn't ever want morning to come. never thought he'd ever want to stay lost in djerholm, in his opinion one of the worst places he's ever been to, but right now he'd do anything, give anything to live in this moment just a little longer, a few weeks more, a few days more. even a few extra hours more to be with kaz before an ocean separates them, before he has zoya make the sensible decision to confine him indefinitely until he can be sure he's no longer a danger to the people. maybe the heart will help. maybe it won't. he'll still have to find some way to live with what he's done.
slowly, gently, he breaks the kiss, drawing in a fragile breath. he already knows kaz won't see a healer. maybe not just out of sheer stubbornness this time, but because he can't right now, needing his barriers. saints, he kissed him without thinking. his grip loosens slightly, eyes widening as he searches his expression. ]
Let's go to your room. Let me tend to your wounds.
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all thoughts scatter as nikolai noses into his throat, body so close and warm, feverish, and kisses him where he knows that faded mark is, having touched it absentmindedly throughout the job. wants him to leave another, to use his teeth. a shiver down his spine that has nothing to do with his rotted memories, and everything to do with the hand guiding his waist close. heās going to kiss you. he wouldnāt, not after, he wonāt, not here ā the risks ā a soft, startled sound hushes into nikolaiās mouth before kaz presses back sweetly. ]
[ feather-black lashes lower in suspicion, gaze slanting at him. ] Is that your only line? [ let me tend your wounds, variations said in the captainās quarters, the cave, here. three marks a pattern, albeit one that suits his frequent injuries. he leans forward to thieve another kiss, greedy for it. this is more affection than kaz thought he would receive from nikolai, when he never asked him to visit ravka (as kaz knew he wouldnāt, lacking either desire or courage). as such, he finds nikolaiās hand and threads their fingers together, only reluctantly releasing him at the door to his room.
plenty to occupy nikolai tonight, if he likes. cuts and scrapes all the way down to a gash on his thigh, blood caked enough that another pair of trousers will be lost to the ravkan cause. the hood of his coat hangs half-off, threads cut where a blade nearly opened his neck and instead nicked the top of his shoulder. once the lock clicks behind them, he swiftly crowds nikolai against the door, arm heavy across his chest. ]
None but Zenik and Grimjer can know that I found the heart, or that the crew survived. [ his serious little mouth purses. the muscle in his jaw pulls tight. ] Not even Tamar. [ quickly, a frightful glint in his eye ā ] A ravkan canary has been singing for my competitors, and Iām going to tear out its throat.
[ a beat, for that demand to settle, easing off nikolai and limping across his grand chambers. the dukeās rooms for the royal pain in my arse, who prefers slanting walls and crooked floors, according to zenik. unfair, really, when she hasnāt seen the club since the renovations. kaz glances over his shoulder as he shrugs off his coat and loosens the knot of his tie. ]
I spoke publicly of our intent to sweep the eastern quadrant five days prior, and we were ambushed accordingly ā but a trap is only a trap if you donāt know about it. [ if you know about it, itās a plan. hence why the mission occurred without warning soon after. he crosses into the bathroom, peeling off his tacky gloves and washing his hands. ] Tomorrow morning, Zenikās searchers will find my cane and Anika, with her shattered arm. [ not an easy job, then. ] Everyone knows I wouldnāt let anyone, even my most trusted lieutenant, handle my personal effects. [ the power of a hard reputation. overcoming his aching muscles, he lifts himself atop the counter and tilts back against the cool mirror, while nikolai ungloves beside him. ] Sheāll sail to Ravka with your crew to tell the queen of our failure, beg compensation for her losses ā and if sheās learned anything from that dramatic soprano of hers, [ eyes rolling, perhaps ketterdamās acerbic rogues share a type. ] sheāll croon enough pretty lies for the traitorous skiv to expose themselves in due course.
[ kaz dips his fingers into his vest, curling around nikolaiās ring. his only comfort for the last week, all that was left when nikolai might have been permanently transformed or dead. his chest twinges to consider returning it. ]
Once theyāve cleared the country, Iāll carry the heart and my crew in a Fjerdan ship. [ he catches nikolaiās reddened wrist, waiting for a rush of saltwater to sting his skin. when it doesnāt, he takes nikolaiās scorched hand in his and gentles the ring back on his finger, eyes lowered in reverence to his careful work. ] Including Dimitri, [ the heartrender. ] whoāll be taking permanent leave of the Second Army upon our arrival in Ravka. [ in order to pursue a life of crime in ketterdam, naturally. a flit of his gaze to glittering hazel eyes as he brings the back of nikolaiās hand to his mouth, kissing his bare skin, then the ring that kept him safe without nikolai to attempt such thankless work. itās a genuine thing, though he does hope it distracts from his ambitions to enter ravka uninvited and poach a valued heartrender. ] Part and parcel of my royal reward, you understand.
[ of course the poor lad only knows that kaz is considering it, despite his fervent petition to join the dregs. nothing should come easy in this life. ]
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I won't tell Tamar, but she makes a good partner for ripping out throats. She doesn't take kindly to traitors. You can trust her, if you want. She sends me to my dreams, after all.
[ and she knows about them. not something he's outright stated, but tamar is no idiot, and nikolai has been wearing his melancholy a little too boldly these past few days. besides, all the secrecy makes little sense otherwise, and nikolai finds he has no desire to lie to his oldest friend. he listens to the rest of kaz's mad scheme while he strips off his coat and gloves, filling the basin with clean water and bringing a cloth to clean kaz's wounds. before he can begin, kaz catches his hand, bare skin on skin. he stills immediately, holding his breath. warm metal. his ring. he half expected kaz to pretend like he already gave it back. ]
Are you ā [ can't help the surprise on his face, both from how kaz's lips brush over his skin and the words coming from his mouth. saints, he feels stupid, fumbling over simple words, but this is another blindside, another sudden realization that pulls the ground from beneath him. kaz is coming to ravka, and he didn't ask him to. he's not coming for you, you dolt. but he's coming regardless, and suddenly, it's the worst thing. the very worst thing. he swallows, instead beginning the work of carefully undressing him, exposing pale, bloodied skin inch by inch. slowly, his dark clothes fall to the floor, his heart aching at each injury he uncovers. he needs rest. days of quiet in his bedchambers in the grand palace. can he? no. what if ā what if the worst happens like it nearly did aboard his ship? he takes the cloth and gently brings it to his shoulder, keeping his eyes averted. ] Brekker, I ā I wanted to ask. I still do. I want so much from you, I want all the things I said and more, but ā I can't. You know I can't. You know I... I just can't do any of it.
[ stops, blinks away blood in the snow. his eyes stray from the fresh wound at kaz's shoulder to the ā wait. his gaze narrows. his other shoulder is no longer bandaged, claw-marks not exactly healed but no longer festering, shifting to normal scars to add to his collection. his hand hovers over the marks, disbelieving, before grazing his skin. ] How did you ā what happened to your shoulder?
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a heartbeat. he revises his path in accordance with the shifting terrain. ]
Zenik. [ his mouth hooks higher one side, amusement flashing briefly in his shark eyes. he likes that she didnāt tell nikolai, his friend and crow first, as loyal and trusted as heās always known her to be. (and, of course, that sheās happy and safe here with her fjerdan husband, even if djerholm is one of the worst places heās ever been.) ] Told you Iād figure it out.Ā [ they both know that nina zenik used her clever mind and big heart to save him yet again, when he least wanted help from others. kaz leans forward and fits a hand at the small of nikolaiās back, guiding him to stand between his legs, so that he can examine the scarring wound up close, merzost excised entirely. theyāre of a height like this, as always. ]
You knowā¦when I was drowning in this miserable country, Ninaās the one who saved me. [ has never put it like that, not to anyone. dirtyhands saves himself, or heās just like any other man. his face pulls, ] I awoke to her ā kissing me, trying to resuscitate me, and I shoved her off so violently, I thought Matthias would put me back under the ice.Ā [ he huffs a breath. not a laugh, not frustration, just ā nervous energy escaping. no idea why he tells nikolai that story, except that kaz often wants to share his thoughts with nikolai first. he inhales audibly, looking down and shaking his head just so. ]
Donāt tell me you canāt. [ voice made raw by days of overuse, hurt dragging the tenor higher. ] You wonāt. I know the difference, Nikolai, I do. [ he tilts his head up, eyes open and fierce, searching nikolaiās features. ] You wonāt even look at me when you say it.Ā [ thatās one of his tells, catalogued early on in their companionship. an avoidant gaze, a faltering smile. the varied performances of king, privateer, monster. kaz tightens his hold on nikolaiās hand and hip, tethers to keep him here for a moment longer, if he means to say goodbye tonight. ]Ā
What canāt you do? [ an edge of pleading sneaks into his voice. ] Explain it to me. [ his lips press together hard, either because itās profoundly difficult to speak or, perhaps, not to. ] Because any time Iāve thought that I canāt do something for you ā which is multiple times, every time Iām with you. [ an unquiet mind despite all his talk of nikolai being present and focused for him. ] Iāve also thought that I have to try. [ a sudden dip of his chin. ] That you would expect me to, [ hadnāt nikolai said so, at the start? he pulls their linked hands to his chest. ] and that you deserve as much since ā I donāt think youāre good at anything youāve chosen for yourself. Not naturally. [ which might take a moment to register as a compliment, unaccustomed and unskilled as he is at constructing them. something admiring shines in his eyes now. ] But youāve made yourself ā [ he hesitates. ] Brilliant. And brave. [ overcoming his distractible mind to build infernal contraptions and salvage a crooked country, weathering a scheming family and countless losses. his blues search for a safe place to land in nikolaiās pale, conflicted face. of course they end up holding his hazel gaze, gold flecks dimmed but still there. ] Why should I accept less from you now?
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Nina has a gift for the impossible. Same as you and I. She was one of my best spies and deserves this peculiar life of Fjerdan royalty with her handsome prince that I have my suspicions is not a blood prince at all. But who I am to point fingers about royal blood? [ he grazes the healing scars once more, bizarre animal marks to anyone else. at least no one will have the audacity to question kaz brekker. ] I'm glad she got to see you. Living this sort of life, deep undercover... she's happy, I know, but it came at a steep cost. She shouldn't have to give up everything about who she was. And now she won't have to.
[ but he can't think about his termite forever. she's found her way when he clearly hasn't, and kaz seems wholly uninterested in shying away from truths tonight, his features cracked open, something desperate in his voice. nikolai doesn't want to hear it. what can he say? can't or won't, it's all the same. his excuses won't measure up, not when kaz has put himself through hell to give this much of himself to him, and nikolai won't do the same. can't. it can't be his blood in the snow or the water or anywhere else, not anymore. in the end kaz is brimming with life and possibility while nikolai has already spent all of his. ]
Are you in such a hurry to rush to the end? [ he smiles gently, tending to the wound at his shoulder first, carefully wrapping it. warm drops of water glide down his chest as he cleans away sweat and blood, trying to erase the days of hardship written into the lines of his muscle. he eases his trousers from his legs, lifting his hips carefully from the counter, his eyes on the sticky slide of blood as the gash at his thigh comes into view. a sigh sinks his chest, his brow tightening as another flash of blood presses to mind. ] You won't like my explanation. It all boils down to not being able to have the thing that I want and do the thing that's right. I have to choose. And I so hate not getting what I want.
[ he squeezes the cloth into the basin, wringing it out before beginning to clean the blood at his thigh, keeping his eyes downcast. it's easier to talk without looking into kaz's intense gaze, the weight of his hurt and confusion and expectation too much to bear. nothing more to offer him but disappointment. his head hurts. his heart hurts. somehow, he keeps a straight face anyway. ]
The thing that's right is to go back to Zoya, tell her everything, have her lock me away as a danger to the people until that changes. But the thing I want is to take you back to the palace with me and give you a few days of rest. I want to recite bad poetry to you and fuss over your bandages because you refuse to see a healer. I just... [ his hands shake suddenly. he swallows, steadies himself, finally lifts his eyes. ] I don't want to do what's right. But I'm afraid it's the curse of my heroic disposition that I can no longer keep you in a fantasy when I know I'm going to kill again. I know it. So I have to do the thing that's right, and you have to accept it, or we can argue this entire night away, but in either case morning will still come ā and with it, an end to this. And I'd rather not waste the little time that we do still have.
[ he presses the cloth to the wound, leaning to brush their lips together to ease the sting, not quite a kiss, his eyes half-lidded as he studies kaz's gaze, wondering if he'll push into him with longing or wrath. ]
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his happiness for her blinks out when nikolai speaks again. kaz tenses, both at the implication of the question and nikolaiās touch. the end. his hands pull back, quick enough to tell of how theyāve been burned, anchoring flat against the counter. perhaps it was naive to think that even if he couldnāt keep nikolai, he might come back. not to him, not for him ā but that kaz might not lose him entirely, even so. nikolai's answer closes that door. ]
Youāve been hurrying to the end since the start. [ quiet, a note of childishness eking out. itās true, though, isnāt it? nikolai had tried to send him away again and again. did he ever want you? yes, surely he did, at first, if not for long after. well, perhaps after, when he needed reason to continue or comfort of a kind, as if kaz ever had the skill to offer those things. doesnāt have a shred of belief in the binary nikolai presents now, between what he wants and whatās right, but he knows he canāt influence nikolai to see the grays colouring his vision any more than he can make him stay. his head tilts back, an attempt to ground himself, to not fight this in a way that ruins their connection forever despite every nerve and synapse telling him to grab the nearest, sharpest knife and slash.
youāre not what he needs. that honour goes to zoyaās stern gaze and understanding of the demon; tamarās constancy; ravkaās warmth. you knew he would leave, like all the rest. with his uneven breathing and trembling hands, he continues to allow nikolai to peel back his armour, his skin and touch his most vulnerable parts. unsticking his trousers from the gash on his thigh makes him wince, but his composure rebuilds from there. he forces himself to be honest instead of hurtful. ] You underestimate yourself, [ a shuddery sigh. ] though youāre right about the terrible explanation.
[ kaz hopes that one of his brighter friends, full of life, can illuminate nikolai's strength and courage, hidden somewhere inside, where a thing like him can't reach. for a moment, he stills under the kiss, as unsure of nikolaiās intentions now as he was the first time this happened, but then he presses back, barely restraining the longing that threatens to burst open his chest. doesnāt move farther than that, gaze cracking as nikolai tips back. ]
What could you possibly want before sunrise? [ it wonāt be enough, not for him. ] Whatever it is ā I canāt unless ā [ a thousand bargains occur to him. say you meant it, all of it, except he never cared for sweet lies. promise youāll come back, but he neednāt return to kaz, in particular. all possibilities wither under the blaze of what he wants most for nikolai. his voice firms, the steady drag of stone on stone. ] Say youāll try to save yourself. [ that he wonāt give up fighting the demon, or on whatever nazyalensky might accomplish by returning the heart and releasing the darkling. ] If you wonāt, [ not canāt, stubborn to the last. ] say nothing and go.
[ it's clear from the defiant angle of his jaw that he means now, without caring for his wounds or prolonging this ruinous tenderness. if he wanted dead hands, he could find them on any healer in the palace. ]
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why does it come to him like this? something he desperately craves, something he hopelessly dreads. why is it never something he can keep? he isn't quick enough to hide the flash of hurt in his eyes. ]
Do you really feel that way? [ he matches his quiet tone, hands gentle as he wipes away blood from his pale skin, tender skin that he's kissed, places only he's touched. the wound disappears as he winds bandages carefully around his thigh. ] That I haven't savored every minute we've had? That I've just wanted this to be over? Do you think thereās something better Iām rushing to, something better than you? [ he stops, searching the sky of kazās eyes, so close to being closed off to him forever. he can feel his disappointment, his barely-contained anger and hurt, and he leans in to cage him there, sliding his hands across the cool countertops until he finds kazās, settling his fingers over them. ] I donāt want anything else. Iāve never wanted anyone the way I want you. Please donāt pull away from me now, Kaz, I donāt ā I donāt know when anyone will ever be able to be near to me like this again.
[ relief floods him when kaz kisses back, and it turns into a desperate thing, his mouth trembling and his breath growing unsteady. what could you possibly want before sunrise? thereās so little time. so little time to make kaz feel all the things he deserves, to bandage his wounds, to kiss every bit of hurt away. to make sure that heās all right. how can he be, when nikolai is doing this to him? his eyes crack open at his request, something so wholly selfless that it opens up a painful little fissure in his chest. will he fight? itās all he knows how to do. no matter how much he wants to lay down and rest, to put down his weapons and go off in search of peace, he knows nothing else but to be a soldier, but to chase ambition, always craving more. what would it be to just stop? to just let go? like the quiet peace of sinking deeper into the sea, no weight, no sound. heād like to feel it again, but something in kazās voice straightens his spine, drags the mantle of responsibility back down. youāre not dead yet, you daft bastard. he nods once, drawing in a quick breath. ]
Iāll fight. [ a tired promise edged in steel. he can always a bleed a little more for his country, for his people, for kaz. when you love a thing, the work is never done. ] Iāll fight, and I will see you again.
[ he kisses him then, harder than before, hoisting him higher on the counter as his wet hands run though his dark hair, down the curve of his spine, roaming over his bruises and sore body. a week apart and it feels like years. feels like several lifetimes for him, caged inside of a monster, watching a nightmare unravel again and again. he wants to lose himself in this, to forget at least for a few hours of the blood marking the snow, soaking his blackened fingers, of the screams that litter his mind and follow him into his dreams. his kisses down his throat, his chest, then returns to his mouth as if he canāt get enough ā and he canāt. there will never be enough of this, not when he wants kaz all the time, standing beside him or in his bed or just quietly rotating in his orbit, close enough to see, close enough for his feet to carry him there. he kisses his cheeks, his nose, his eyelids, cradling his face like something precious. ]
Something youāve wanted that you havenāt told me. [ he whispers it between breathless kisses, his fingers trailing gently down his side, down to his bandaged thigh. ] Or ā anything. Iāll kiss you until sunrise if you want. Whatever you want. Let me fill your aches.
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but surely there are things better than him waiting? a peaceful life in ravka, an uncomplicated companionship with someone whole, sweeter tongues and brighter eyes everywhere. those possibilities spiral until nikolai stops them with his hands, frightfully warm. kazās gaze flickers down to their layered grip and back up to study his tired, handsome face. he likes it best when theyāre this close, even the faintest of nikolaiās freckles made visible. like secrets, just for him.
his words seem impossible, even as they unwind the tension coiled at his back. iāve never wanted anyone the way i want you, plucked from his thoughts and gifted back to him, sounding so certain and sincere. something kaz hadnāt dared hope was true. never been wanted like this, above all else. never wanted someone just as much. still canāt put a name to this feeling. overwhelming, like drowning. exhilarating, like the air that rushes back into your lungs after breaching the surface. iāll fight releases a long, shaking exhale from his chest. his face cracks open again, letting nikolaiās light inside, filling in every fissure, suffusing him with warmth. iāll see you again, on the heels of the first stunning revelation, heightening the arch of his brows and widening his eyes.
a surprised, pleased noise, when nikolai chases his promises with action. already tender and bruised from his injuries, this brokers the fatal fracture in his controlled resistance. kaz kisses him back fiercely, again and again. hands frame his face, urge at the nape of his neck, tear at his buttons and push open his shirt. ] You will. [ a hushed confirmation to bind this contract. sat in nothing but his underwear and bandages, his bare skin slides against the cool surface, goosebumps skating up his legs, hitching loose around nikolaiās waist. he tilts his head back, eyes shuttering as nikolai leads him into the water, mouthing down his throat. too much. not enough. there might never be anyone else who can touch him like nikolai does, kissing places that arenāt his mouth, places that imply ā that say ā ]
Or? [ had he meant to say something else, something he wanted, or ā ] Is that really all you want? [ phrasing riding on uneven breaths, focus shattered under nikolaiās relentless softness. still, he reaches for a thread nikolai unspooled moments earlier. i donāt know when anyone will ever be able to be near to me like this again. kaz kisses the hinge of his jaw and lowers his legs to set about the task of disarming him, nimble fingers unbuckling his holster. ]
Youāre always caring for me without my asking. [ split between annoyed and touched, the way only kaz manages to be. of course heād never ask for it, in the first place. he removes the holster and sets it aside with his discarded gloves and clothes. ] Always offering, when youāre the one who ā [ catching himself, he swallows before any cracks become audible. even so, he canāt keep the concern from his voice. ] You were out there alone. [ for days, committing unspeakable acts, far from himself. heāll be on his own after this, too, locked in a ravkan cell as the darkness in the unsea takes new shape. he pushes nikolaiās layers down his arms and lets them fall to the floor, assured in his want for everything nikolai will give, if this night is to be the last. fevered skin, dead hands, and all. wonāt say that he thought of nikolai all the time on the job. that even when kaz wasnāt thinking of him, he was trying not to think of him, which is ultimately the same thing. ]
Stay until sunrise, for a start. [ or at least until their shared exhaustion finally gets the better of them. his mouth curves high on one side, and his hands brush over nikolai's ribs, checking for hurts inflicted while he was away. ] And I'll tell you, [ something he wants but hasn't said. ] but you'll have to tell me your own aches, too.
[ exploiting the loophole in any request, as ever. this canāt just be about him ā about penance ā with all nikolai is fighting in mind and body, too. ]
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Because you'd never ask. [ a quick, knowing smirk. would he even know how? now, he thinks yes, with time to think of all his wants and needs that have floated to the surface with all the things they've shared together. but yes doesn't mean he'll ever want to or that it will come easy. kaz brekker will be stubborn to his grave and then even beyond that. a weight leaves him as kaz nimbly undresses him, cool air ghosting his bare chest, guns falling from his hips. isn't fast enough to kiss him to stop his next thought, bowing his head to kiss at the delicate line of kaz's collarbone. imagines the demon snapping it, imagines the pool of blood bruising beneath pale skin. he shuts his eyes. ] Don't remember most of it. [ a fast, easy lie, swallowed up as he finds his mouth again, kissing him deeply, a soft hum in his throat. it tastes like warm blood and cold snow.
but kaz's hands are warming against his skin, only faded bruises left from nina's healers for him to find. stay until sunrise. a dream. maybe one he can have just this night. warm lips pull down his throat, down his chest, pressing to every bruise he can find, soothing every hurt while his hand drags away the last bit of clothing remaining on kaz's body. his head dips between his legs, his cock sliding past his lips without warning. ]
I've ached for this for a long time. [ his hand roams across the counter, over bandages, over little pots and tins until he finds what he's looking for, slicking his fingers with oil. he works his cock over with his mouth, coaxing him to hardness. will he get this chance again? is this too fast? this is the edge of a precipice and he's afraid of falling. his arm tightens around kaz's waist, angling his hips higher. ] Wanted to give you this for a long time, but ā [ a breath, sliding his cock from his mouth as he kisses the tip, balanced against his lips as half-lidded eyes gaze up at him carefully. ] Tell me if it's too much.
[ one finger sinks slowly inside of him, his breath soft, a sudden confession out before he can stop it ā ] I missed you. All the time.
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donāt remember most of it, a blatant lie, only saved from his ire by a soothing kiss. nikolai has confessed the horror of his acute awareness inside the demon before, so the attempt to deny it troubles him, just not enough to halt nikolaiās searing touches or clever tongue. for one night, he can allow an unreal version of events to be true.
kaz startles in surprise when nikolai goes down on him, muscles in his stomach and thighs pulling taut, then relaxing as his cock slides deeper into the velvety heat of his mouth. there's something about the way nikolai gets, when he does this, focused yet hazy. he rakes his fingers through nikolaiās hair, makes a fist and pulls, hoping for a glimpse of his glittering eyes.
partly because heād already been thinking of it himself, he knows what nikolaiās means to do as soon as his hand wanders. hadnāt worked up to the asking, curious whether it was something nikolai liked doing or liked having done to him. can feel his face flush, warm all the way down to his collarbone in anticipation, the answer pooling heat low in his gut. a quick nod of assent, to convey his understanding with immediacy. desire thrums in his blood, heart rattling against the cage of his ribs. ]
I hadnāt wanted this until ā the cave. [ eyes still intent, dark and hungry. he swallows hard. ] Then I kept wanting it.
[ a second confession underwrites the one spoken aloud, that he only considered it at all because of everything he experienced with nikolai. the boy who unlocked his wanting and now means to leave it untended. what will you do then? want him still, as endlessly as he did when they were separated. stay with him in the now, the advice he gives on repeat. kaz thought of a hundred schemes to trap nikolai with him, and he still chose the path that would lead him away. is that what it means to love someone? hard to say, with how little he knows of it, but kaz soothes his fingers at nikolaiās temples, as if he might be the nervous one. his gaze is fixed and studious, cataloguing sensations in the hopes that they donāt leave him: nikolaiās lips murmuring against cock, the cool air on his skin, soft hair sliding in the tangle of his fingers. ]
You know I like too much, if itās on you. [ normally, kaz prefers to plunge into the depths, but heās grateful nikolai takes a measured approach, easing him into the shallows. it gives him time to override the instinctive clench of muscle and steady the initial jolt of his good leg, features tense and then easing. a breathy noise escapes from the back of his throat. it feels different than he thought it would. maybe some things donāt feel like anything else. ]
Nikolai. [ momentarily overwhelmed by the mere thought of his longing finding its twin in nikolai. missed him, a wanting that persists with absence. ] Was it my scowl or my poison tongue you wished for? [ his other hand curls around the lip of the counter, supporting the barest hitch into the pressure of nikolaiās finger, testing. oh. air hisses through his teeth. ]
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kaz's careful, nimble fingers steady him, moving softly through his hair, his eyes straying to lock onto his, lips grazing along the underside of his cock. there's tension written in the lines of kaz's face, but anticipation, too. he does want it. that it took so long surprises him, all the way until he'd fallen and hit his head in the damnable fjerdan ice cave. nikolai has thought about this even before they set sail for the job, of what it would be like to push him open and take him apart, to find that sweet, untouched thing inside of him and coax it to life. ]
You don't have to just want. [ he turns his head, whispering softly against his thigh, his mouth pressing above his bandages as he kisses along his pale skin. ] You can tell me the ways you want to be touched. Or show me.
[ he's in knuckle-deep now, carefully feeling the tremors in kaz's muscles, the alterations in his breath. a sudden smile touches his lips, genuine. ] Both, but your tongue makes more appearances in my dreams. Sometimes spewing poison. Sometimes too busy between my legs to do so.
[ and ā there. he feels kaz push against him, a minuscule, guarded thing. he understands at once that this isn't something he can throw himself into, maybe because of what it is, maybe because of all that's happened. kaz doesn't need to be coaxed into it ā he's already here, already willing ā but he needs something. assurance, maybe. this is a different sort of surrender, a more stark vulnerability. another first.
he drops another kiss to his thigh before he rises to seek his mouth again, briefly kissing his lips before moving to nuzzle the soft space beneath his ear. his finger carefully sinks all the way inside of him, keeping still as he trails his mouth hotly down the line of his throat. ]
How does it feel? Tell me. [ if this could be the last time, he'll be damned if he'll allow kaz off the hook so easily. gently, he curls his finger inside of him, mouth at his lips again, watching kaz with a hungry gaze. it's not enough. slowly. he exhales, suddenly extracting his hand and winding his arm around kaz's waist, lifting him from the counter, gripping gently at his uninjured thigh. he walks them into the curiously slanted bedchambers nina has set kaz up in, tipping him onto the bed and following him down eagerly, sliding his legs open to fist at his cock, planting deep kisses at his mouth. he's warm, and nikolai still feels cold despite the feverish flush to his skin, still feels the icy press of snow and the thick spill of blood. he can hide away in this if he tries.
another kiss to kaz's willing mouth and then he's turning him over, coaxing him onto his hands and knees while his lips soothe along his spine, kissing up to the nape of his neck. he slicks his fingers up again and this time presses two inside of him ā slowly, he reminds himself, pulling kaz flush against him, his hand pulling lazy drags around his cock. he finds the faded remnants of the hidden bruise left high at his throat and sucks a fresh mark to his skin, nuzzling gently at the reddened flush. ]
Ask. [ a breathless demand, soft against his ear. ] Ask for what you want.
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I know. [ that he can with nikolai, the only safe place for truths of that kind ā revealing, weakening. itās a reassurance. maybe an apology, when he doubts asking will ever come easily to him. his eyes shutter for a second, shiver running through him nikolaiās lips stray to his thigh.
a rush of relief comes with nikolaiās kiss, the heat of closeness replacing cool exposure. another thing he wanted but didnāt ask for, so he resolves to vocalise it next time. can the feel water rising as nikolai sinks into him, a careful, deliberate pressure. breath hitching, kaz gradually leans into it, the ache between his legs telling him nikolai belongs there, here, all over him. itās hardly different from having those blackened fingers in his mouth, where they hadnāt ruined him because nikolai is still alive. he might even live well, if the heart can help him. one hand squeezes the nape of his neck while the other grips his hip hard enough to bruise. ]
Tight. [ like the pleasant burn of a stretched muscle. a soft sound, holding the space while he searches for unused words. nikolai crooks his finger before he reaches them, mouth suspended in an o over a low moan, eyes bright with the surprise of sincere desire. his asshole clenches at nikolaiās fingertip, desperate to draw him inside, cock twitching. ] Good. Keep ā
[ and then itās gone, an ache unanswered. does he want me to ask for it? nikolai surrounds him and lifts him before he can decide whether heās willing to beg, his legs locking at the waist, arms tightening at his shoulders and back. an indignant sound rises into a short laugh. ] It killed you to be still the last time, didnāt it. [ annoyed and astonished that anyone would think to carry him, but heās quick to kiss nikolaiās cheek, nosing under his jaw affectionally and sucking a mark at his throat to match the one fading at his neck.
on the bed, he pulls nikolai to him as eagerly as he had in the cave, legs parted to invite him closer, hands urging at his back. he kisses nikolai like heāll never get the chance again, groaning both when nikolai takes him in hand and when nikolai lets him go. if he werenāt worried heād drown in water this deep on his own, he might bristle more at being led. as things are, he eases onto his hands and knees, breath coming in pants, and he canāt help but make a plaintive noise at the doubled pressure inside him, pushing back slowly, intuitively. he knows the exact point where nikolai renews a mark, moaning softly at the thought of it. another thing he didnāt have to ask for.
this is different. a cession of control, a clamor of sensation, especially for someone unused to any kind of contact. and still not enough, want burning brighter and hotter ā ]
Want this. [ knows thatās not what nikolai means, but heās working up to it, hands curling in the comforter. he thinks about how much nikolai gives him, full of warmth and light where kaz has only dregs of the stuff to offer in return. he thinks of how much more nikolai wants to give him, if only heād ask. his heart judders in his chest. ] Want more ā deeper. [ he swallows thickly, voice strained. ] Want you to fuck me.
[ just you. hasnāt thought of anyone else like this, smothering desires of this kind long before they could flicker into fantasy. ]
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kaz pushes back against him, a promising sign, soft little noises in his throat. he eases his fingers in and out, slow at first, then building to a gentle speed, his free hand ghosting along his cock, then tracing the line of his torso as his moves up, wrapping his fingers gently around his throat. he tips his chin up so he can see the silhouette of his face, the tip of his nose nuzzling into his cheek. ]
You're warm. [ something he doesn't mean to come out, too close to a clue that he's cold. he angles his fingers, pushes them in hard, finds kaz's mouth to kiss away his moans as he moves them inside of him. finds that thin rope of scar tissue at his throat and traces it softly ā regrets it immediately, because he imagines him in a prison with his throat cut open, only it's his black-clawed hands tipped in blood, the taste of it fresh in his mouth. he pulls both of his hands away, drawing in a sharp breath, blinking back the image. it's the monster playing tricks on him ā no, not the monster, just his own scattered mind that he needs to get a hold of. don't ruin this, too.
he smiles, meeting any questions kaz might have with a quick kiss, dragging him down to a pile of fluffy pillows and knocking him to his back, tumbling down with him so he can deepen the kiss while sliding his tongue past his lips. warm. no blood, no snow. he curls a hand through his hair, gentle, as if reminding himself that he's whole and real and here, and then coaxes kaz's legs open, gripping his cock and dragging his thumb along the wetness dripping from the tip. ]
I want this to be good for you. [ not a want. a need. he draws back with a fleeting kiss, lifting kaz's hips, admiring the way he looks beneath him, a pink flush traveling down his skin. he's always urged kaz to stay in these moments, and kaz has asked the same of him. he should listen. he's trying. he touches his own cock, slick and aching, carefully guiding it between kaz's legs. this has never seemed so difficult before, so weighted, and he realizes it's because it's never really meant as much as this. he was so young with dominik, fumbling and needy, no importance placed on this when they had an entire country to make their mark upon. no one else after meant anything even close to that. but with kaz, suddenly this means everything.
a strained breath flutters from his chest when he gently pushes in, unbearably slow, heat of an indescribable intensity enveloping him from the inside. he keeps his hips steady, hand sliding up kaz's waist to glide to the small of his back, lifting him carefully from the bed just so. it takes every bit of his self control not to just push in. he listens to the pull of kaz's body, slows when he feels him straining. watches him carefully and stays in this moment, marveling that he has kaz brekker in this bed. that at least for now, nikolai is allowed to be his. ]
It's okay. [ he eases down, finding kaz's hands and pressing them gently into the mattress, lacing their fingers together. he kisses his damp cheek, soothes his lips over kaz's panting mouth. he stills his hips, blond strands falling into his eyes. ] Stay with me, Kaz. Like you always do.
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nikolai is frightfully close, besides, a comforting weight over him, alongside him. youāre warm echoes strangely in his skull, the pitch slightly off, but he canāt dwell on it, thoughts shattering as nikolai thrusts hard, grazing somewhere deep and sensitive that wrings a gasp from his lungs. no kiss can obscure the shock of nikolai pulling from him, however. immediately, kaz recognises the look of a man caught between two places, fearful of one and clinging to another. where did you go? slides to the tip of his tongue but the answer crashes into his teeth: somewhere within the monsterās grasp, vision flecked with red and dotted with bodies.
for a moment, he lets nikolai refocus, uninterrupted by questions or concerns. his own worries could be mistaken for mere affection, flowing from his sure hands, finally able to reach nikolai after being bereft for agonising minutes. they cradle his face, thumb arcing over his cheek; tuck the blond strands behind his ears; smooth over his shoulder, down his torso to squeeze his hip, then his cock. kisses featherlight at the corner of his perfect mouth, the tense line of his jaw. all actions that say iām here, iām here, with you because i want to be. although his legs fall open and his hands drop aside to let nikolai retake the lead, kaz first hitches higher on his elbows to catch nikolaiās gaze, bright against his constellation of freckles. itās obvious how much he cares, nerves creasing his brow, earnest hope lighting those eyes he adores ā kazās chest pangs over ever having doubted him. ]
[ his voice scrapes his throat, heavy with want. ] Itās already good for me. Itās you. [ like itās simple, like nikolai himself is enough. kaz tips back without instruction, a renewed rush of vulnerability loosing a ragged exhale. suddenly, heās too aware of how exposed he is, how frayed each nerve feels, angled for nikolai to see and touch things no one else has ever dared. his gaze swings to the unfamiliar ceiling before he nods back to nikolai. half of him begs to seize control, while the other just aches to have nikolai between his thighs, the absurd, overwhelming desire for him flushing his skin anew. (youāre so warm, distant but still intelligible, because nikolai is the cold one, for once.) he lifts his hips when nikolai slides a pillow beneath them, grasping his bicep to steady them both. cock hard and waiting even without nikolaiās attention.
never wanted anything, anyone like this. a desire to disassemble and reassemble every part of nikolai, a miracle of bones and sinew in a quavering frame, whirring with life. didnāt even think himself capable of this wanting, let alone having so intimately. an unprecedented closeness. itās staggering. awe parts his mouth. with a stuttered inhale, the head of nikolaiās cock pushes past the initial ring of resistance. his fingers indent nikolaiās arm as his other hand fists in the bedspread. itās easier from there, in a way. fuller, in other. this time, he has nikolai filling his vision (just like he wanted but hadnāt asked for), answering the impossible ache inside him, a tender sort of focus on his face. ]
I know. [ bothered and glad for it, all his hard angles softened. how many times must he say it? i know because itās you. even when the current drags him elsewhere, he finds his way back. nikolai will do the same for him tonight ā and after that. a minor drift is cut short by nikolai entwining their fingers and winding his arms down. kaz blinks until he recalibrates, grounding himself in the strength of those lightning-struck hands, electricity crackling from their clasp, thrumming through his veins and zipping down his spine.
an incremental stretch to the limit still reaches the limit in question. cold radiates outward from his pelvis, warmth fighting to cover the same ground. ] Iām with you. [ a breathless assurance. ] Itās good. Just ā wait. [ in the span of heartbeats, he catches nikolaiās mouth with a tip of his head, soothing the nerves rubbed raw. ] Okay. Okay. Keep going. [ spine arching to urge him on and puzzle out the distinct mechanics of how they fit together, flush against each other. a wounded animal noise slips past his defences, fingers tightening their hold. ] Only ever wanted you like this ā Nikolai, please. [ too keyed up to make the conscious decision to hold back words of that kind any longer. itās far more important ā vital even, that nikolai know how much heās needed. ]
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Good. [ he noses along kaz's cheek, lashes fluttering along his skin. ] You're doing good. You feel ā feel so good. [ and it's more than just the sensation coursing through his body. it's the way kaz looks at him now, like he's seeing too much of him and still not turning away, like nikolai is still something to be handled tenderly, to be treated with such care after the things he's done. kaz keeps giving him more than he deserves, keeps toeing the line between life and death just for him. what if he hadn't come back? it makes him hold him tighter, makes it even worse to know he has to let him go.
gently, he moves his hips, testing out a careful rhythm. one hand loosens its hold to grip kaz's wounded thigh, drawing his leg around his waist. a ragged breath escapes him, his eyes closing ā bright blood, pale snow, images flickering behind his lids. he buries his face in the soft space beneath kaz's ear, another breath pulled haggardly into his lungs. don't ruin this. he lifts his gaze, tipping their mouths together, finding the blue of kaz's eyes to anchor him here. ]
I've thought about you like this for so long. [ prefacing a kiss, his tongue sliding past his lips, a desperate attempt to get the taste of blood out of his mouth. the pleasure and terror warring in his mind feels like it might tear him in two, hips pushing more roughly into kaz now, careful to watch for signs that he can't take any more. ] It's better ā better than I imagined.
[ and so much worse, because in his fantasies he never balanced so precariously on such a thin line between desire and death. stay, he thinks to himself, and still he feels his mind veering, dropping his face to hide in kaz's throat again, a softly strangled moan pushing out of him. he shudders with each snap of his hips, trying to focus his hopelessly scattered mind ā pieces of himself strewn across bloodstained snow, pieces of himself held in kaz's nimble hands, pieces of himself lost in places he can't reach. ]
Keep me here. [ a ragged whisper, out before he can snatch the words back. a request he never meant to say aloud, a burden he never wanted to drop so squarely onto kaz's wounded shoulders. an impossible task, one kaz has already confessed to not knowing how to tackle that terrible night in novyi zem. guilt floods him. he uncurls their other hand so he can trace gentle fingers along kaz's sharp cheekbones. ] Will you ā touch yourself? Let me see your face while you do.
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Hah ā [ the pain-pleasure of nikolai gripping his thigh, like pressing a bruise. ] So do you. [ as quick to learn in this as kaz is in all things, locking a leg at nikolaiās waist when guided back. his free hand swiftly plunges into nikolaiās hair, tangling firm to drag him into every kiss. and trap him at the hollow of kazās throat, too, the only security he can offer against those shuddering breaths.
for so long, he says, and that seems impossible. well, improbable, but then so is the way nikolai curves over him, setting a galvanising pace that has kaz rocking up against him, legato pants only broken on the rebound. strangely gratifying, to imagine nikolai thinking of him like this when kaz had still been trying not to look for too long, skin prickling every time he was caught. in an instant, the reverse occurs ā nikolai definitively exposed, rib cage opened up so kaz can see and seize his heart. his pulse pangs at the sight, a throbbing that reaches the still-molten core of him.
scenarios shuffle in his mind, the next play selected with expedient precision. no time to overthink. ]
[ gently, ] I canāt. [ keep him, even though kaz said he would and meant it. the mistake he made in novyi zen was the first domino that clattered down, knocking block after block until they stained the fjerdan snowscapes crimson. his fault, as much as nikolaiās. all his miscalculations added to their inevitable sum. even so, any guilt kaz experiences is on behalf of but one person, though others paid with their lives. he squeezes the nape of nikolaiās neck, blunt nails scratching the skin. ] Let go, and then find your way back.
[ nikolai should know this refrain after all the times kaz has been pulled under in his arms ā after begging him to still, when they actually fell into the sea. if you fight the riptide, youāre more likely to drown, after all. you have to let the current carry you out before you can swim back to shore. or, as inej might say, the trick is in knowing how to fall. always time for unsolicited advice from the philosopher crook, even if that means pausing or stopping this affair entirely. thereās no point in being here and having this without nikolai able to enjoy it.
black-tipped fingers flutter in his periphery. kaz tilts his head just so, brushing his lips over nikolaiās palm in acknowledgement of his request and shakiness both. if nikolai finds himself floating, kaz can be the counterweight for a change. he must. ]
Back to my voice. [ he slips his other hand between them, skimming over the flat of his stomach before gripping his cock and letting a ragged sound spill from his lips where heād normally hush it. can feel himself tighten around nikolai, new but good. his nimble fingers gather wetness from the tip and stroke down his length. itās immediately clear that he wonāt last like this, with nikolai sliding in and out while his own confidence mounts, meeting each thrust. a ratcheting intensity. his features loosen, grin sudden and boyish as head falls back, throat bared. ] My face. [ that nikolai seems partial to, obviously. a visual and tactile learner, he thinks wryly, hooking a protective arm across his shoulders. desperate as he is, kaz wonāt push onward unless nikolaiās shaky pieces reassemble in his hold. some things are too precious to risk. ]
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I can't. [ let go. a quiet whisper, a match to his words. letting go comes with too much risk. what will he see, what will he do? you used to be overfond of risk. what's so different now? throwing his own life to chance has always been a terrifying exhilaration, a high stakes gamble he'd be handsomely rewarded for. he loved the thrill, despised that he couldn't live without it, dreaded that he'd have to come back to court and leave his sensational, patchwork life behind to rescue his beloved country that his parents drove into the ground. he'd still done it. and yet this seems impossible, here, now, to give up the smallest bit of control even when it feels like holding on will kill him.
is he the drowning man now? kaz pulls his focus back, gripping his neck, and nikolai tries to find the sky in his eyes again, steady, clear. fjerda's skies are too pale, ketterdam's skies too dreary. kaz's eyes are like a ravkan sky in the deep evening, still aglow with the light of the sun, the pinks and oranges already washed away, a view he's admired many nights from the palace terraces. let go, and then find your way back. but the sky is so vast and he doesn't want to admit to the fear at home in his veins. does he know? he has to. kaz always seems to know, when it comes to him.
his lips flutter over his palm, nikolai's fingers twitching in surprise. the scars don't bother him the way they used to, but he doesn't think he'll ever be comfortable when he looks at the stains marking his fingers, the shadows trailing down to his wrists. doesn't think he'll ever be thrilled to remove his gloves in public when the situation requires it of him. doesn't think he's ever felt lips on his marred hands until kaz decided his belonged there. it hits him at once that he's fucking kaz brekker in a fjerdan palace, and kaz isn't drowning, isn't turning away, but instead leading him away from cold, bloodstained snow and back into the circle of his arms. what stars had to align for this moment to happen, he doesn't know. he's grateful to them anyway. ]
Okay. [ it's all he can give. he has to try. he'll always try. and if he falls, it's with kaz. a risk he can take.
kaz complies with his request ā and not just complies, but eagerly so, wearing his pleasure openly in a way he couldn't have managed when all of this began. nikolai's brow tightens when kaz clenches around him, trailing sparks of heat with each drag of his hips. the column of his throat stretches before him like an invitation, and for one terrible moment he imagines teeth sinking into flesh and delicate bone, the hot rush of blood filling his mouth. briefly, he shuts his eyes. back to my voice. ]
Keep talking. [ he rises, arms around kaz as he pulls him up with him, seated in his lap and pressed deep inside of him. ] And don't come yet. [ a different ask from his usual race to push kaz over the edge again and again, this time wanting to prolong the moment, to make him feel every bit of this. he thrusts into him in a steady rhythm, gaze tilted up to watch his face hungrily, committing these sounds and sights to memory to fill the loneliness of what comes next.
find your way back. he pushes the thought from his mind, his mouth pressing carefully to kaz's jumping pulse. his world narrows to the rush of blood, the salt of his skin, the rapid pounding of his heart. or is it his own? kaz makes a sound and for a moment he's terrified his fangs have found a way into his throat, but it's a sound of pleasure from the snap of his hips, tremors gripping his body. no blood. sweat slides down his temple, darkening his hair. he can taste it on kaz's skin, different from the taste of blood. it's all different. it's warm here, and kaz has his arms around him, and when was the last time someone held him like this? he kisses kaz's throat again, the sharp line of his jaw, the bruise he left for him to remember, and he keeps one arm braced securely around him while his other strays to kaz's wet cock, fingers rough as he grips him tightly. ]
Do you want to come? [ he noses at kaz's jaw, watching every thrust shake him apart more and more, a soft whine in his throat at the mere sight. he's just barely holding on, his hips stuttering with the need to let go. he drags his thumb down kaz's weeping tip and exhales in a shudder when he tightens around him again. ] Ask.
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so, that nikolai will try to let go is enough. no word more hopeful than okay, tentative as it is, possibility secure inside it. the promise eases kazās posture even though nikolai swiftly asks for more from him. more words when heās spent all that he has; restraint, when heās never felt desire like this. nikolai is always striving for the best, the most. insatiable. kaz tries to disguise a whimper as a scoff when nikolai tells him not to come, eyes closing and re-opening as he digs his fingers into nikolaiās hip instead.
worth it, however, to have nikolai returned to him, kissing at his vulnerable points, arm gallantly winding at his waist, fucking into him with renewed focus. and looking at him like ā saints, like thereās enough of kaz left to answer the hunger etched into his face. in truth, all kaz can do is try to reflect a sliver of the light nikolai has shone on him. ]
There you are. [ a conscious effort to vocalise his thoughts, just as nikolai asked of him. kaz huffs it out as he shifts his weight, thighs splayed and trembling on nikolaiās lap. not unlike how he'd been positioned the first-to-second time, armoured and hesitant. different now, closer than heās ever been and still clinging tight enough to melt their skin together, with nikolai bucking deeper and deeper inside him. foreheads bumping, his lips graze nikolaiās cheek. on an impulse, he skates his hand up nikolaiās side, catching on every notch of his ribs, over the curve of his shoulder, up his throat to curl at his jaw. doesnāt have enough hands to touch everywhere he wants at once, but it helps commit the topography to memory. for as long as this night lasts, kaz can keep him. ]
My demanding Nikolai. [ gaze slitted and mouth quirked, indignation made altogether fond. keep talking. if itās the last time, the last chance to convey all the things kaz likes about him ā ] Greedy, brave, [ praise scattering across uneven breaths and sloppy kisses. ] clever, impossible, perfect.
[ nikolai takes him in hand, and he almost folds, caught between the urge to push up into his grip and down onto his cock. face hot, burning up with the need and the thought of nikolaiās pending request. must he ask for everything now? the flex of sweat-slick skin beneath him, beside him, all over him is an unending distraction. ]
I want to ā [ thrown off by a particularly sweet thrust, reveling in the noise nikolai makes. eyes wild and pupils blown by the sight of nikolai looking as shipwrecked as feels. good. every nerve alights, the sense of a wave cresting over him. his voice strains. ] Let me come, Nikolai. [ a hiccuping breath. it almost crashes into him then, how much he wants nikolai, how heās begging for it ā and so what if he is? no harm in giving up crushed sounds every time nikolai rings somewhere true. who can kaz hurt but himself by admitting how gone he is for nikolai lantsov? ] Please touch me. And donāt ā donāt stop moving until you finish. [ he squeezes his muscles with intent. ] Want to feel you.
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but he can't hold onto him like this, can't dig his claws in and keep him out of his own selfish need. he'll wake up one day and find kaz's broken body beneath him. already knows the taste of his blood and the give of his flesh and muscle beneath the rend of his black-tipped talons. he tries to put the thought out of his head, but it runs parallel to his desire, a sharp ache that colors the pleasure begging to spill over, amplified by the way kaz touches him and allows the truth to fall from his lips. demanding, greedy, brave. it's a shock to hear it from kaz, his faults mixed with the good, somehow making it all sound worthy of his affection. ]
You want to? [ a soft little mockery, a breathless laugh as he finds his mouth and kisses him as if he isn't afraid and doesn't feel tiny fractures growing in his heart ā not a new feeling, but it hurts worse every time. pressure builds, his hips growing erratic, a moan dragged from his lips. please touch me, so raw that it aches, his begging as jarring as it is arresting. how can he go without this, without kaz in his orbit? why does he have to give up everything? why does morning always have to come?
kaz's muscles clench, and it's too much, his hand roughly stripping his cock, reveling in the broken sounds kaz makes for him. he can feel kaz's orgasm grip his body, holding him taut, and with a flick of his wrist he sends him over the edge, watching in greedy fascination as kaz shudders in his arms, spilling wet between them. it's enough that he can't hold on any longer, the contraction of his muscles too tight, and nikolai gasps out a breath, burying his face in kaz's throat with a drawn-out groan as he comes inside of him. it's impossibly good, the pulsing heat of kaz's body, the way they both cling to each other as if they'll otherwise fall apart. he will. he needs this moment to last, needs to hold on for as long as he can, because there is nothing good coming after this.
on his side, he brings kaz back down to the bed, arm drawn tightly around his waist as he kisses him, still pushed deep inside of him as his cock softens, tremors moving through his body. his hand slides between kaz's legs when he does draw his hips away, fingers pushing shallowly inside of him to smear through the leaking wetness traveling down his thigh. ]
You could stay. [ soft, quiet nonsense. things bubbling out of him that have no real place to go. his jagged breath catches. ] You and me on the sea together. We don't ever have to go back. Just... together every night. Having adventures every day. The perfect sort of life. [ he swallows, lifting a hand to curl through kaz's hair, fingers gliding gently along the sweat at his temples. his thumb brushes the color at his cheek before he leans in, pressing his lips to the corner of his mouth. a whisper ā ] Just say yes. Just... say you want to as badly as I do.
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it takes several blinks to come to himself: on his side in a royal bed with nikolai lantsov, hyper-aware of the way his ribs expand and contract with every breath. astounding, how theyāve found themselves just left of what they both want.
one soft sound after the other, then, when nikolai pulls away from him, only to ease the sudden emptiness with his fingers. heās slick from the inside in a way that burns his cheeks. always too much with nikolai. and never enough.
you could stay. his eyes crack, brow creasing at the implication. the recollection of the last time he gave in to nikolaiās impossible wants and was denied in daylight flashes before him. itās not a trap if you know about it, he tells himself. and kaz has known since novyi zem that these promises of romantic futures are snares laid in his path. itās unfair how much nikolai asks of him in these delicate moments, things kaz never would have thought of if nikolai hadnāt crafted and extended them in a shaky hand. he tips his head to catch nikolaiās mouth in a proper kiss, delaying his answer. as a rule, he prefers harsh truths to sweet lies, but for one night ā if the former is the only comfort he can offer ā kaz exhales audibly. ]
Perfect for you, getting bronzed. [ a wry thing. his bare hand smooths down nikolaiās spine, a rarity to touch him, anyone, so freely. ] Less perfect for me, getting sunburnt.
[ away from his shadowed place in this world. itās a boyās fantasy. a princeās daydream. still, he canāt think of nikolaiās loose expression as anything but sweet. charming, even. it startled him, at first ā and surprises him even now, how much nikolai wants him. every night. every day. all the time, if only in unreality. more than that, kaz remains shocked by how much he wants nikolai in turn. as fond of solitude and quiet as he is, nikolaiās presence has often improved his mood, despite those melancholic tendencies. the thought of spending time with him indefinitely, without ulterior motive, seems frightening but not destructive. a captivating prospect, out of reach though it is. his mouth quirks. ]
Whatever it is youāre asking, [ gently teasing, since he doubts even nikolai knows what he means, caught in the brambles of his mind, like always. ] I say yes. [ covering the hand at his cheek, thumb arcing over his knuckles. ] Because I want you very badly. [ any and every way kaz can have him. a quick kiss seals the deal. ] Enough to spend ā one third of my days at sea. [ he clicks his tongue, feigning thoughtfulness. ] Perhaps half, if you enhance the offer.
[ if heās indulging this fantasy, it ought to meet his own exacting standards. ]
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