so, some fear but mostly guilt. it makes a little sense. but i won't ask you to talk about something you're obviously not ready to talk about. do you know it's going to lead to someone's pain and suffering? you're not psychic, nik. you can't say you know that. and you can't decide what's going to make someone suffer and what isn't. if you care about someone, you don't make their decisions for them. even if you think it's to protect them. everyone deserves to make their own choices.
i disagree. you could stand to be a little more smitten with me. are you ever on good behavior?
there is a measure of guilt involved, but i do believe i've earned it. it's improbable that it wouldn't lead to that. i'd never make your choices for you, alina, but you might not always understand mine. or like them. it comes with being vexing.
i'm allowing you to steal me away from my perfectly functional family in the middle of the night and i come bearing gifts. how could i be more smitten? should i compose bad poetry for you? create a poorly painted portrait, maybe? a nikolai lantsov original? always, my dear.
"improbable" is just a way of saying there's still a chance. you might be vexing, but i'm annoyingly stubborn. you've met your match. i don't think you're going to like what i'm about to say, but i'm going to say it anyway. it's one of the most disliked things about me. this isn't some science experiment you can control. it's not going to replicate itself. you don't have all of the same variables, or whatever. you're coming up with a theory based on old information. every person is different. conditions can change. life is never predictable. so saying it's going to lead to the exact same thing? it sounds like you're just trying to give yourself reasons not to bother trying.
i could think of a few other ways, but it's more fun to leave you guessing. i wouldn't say no to terrible poetry, though. maybe a stick figure portrait. you do have competition with my unwanted admirer. it's bad behavior to lie, you know.
spoken like a true student of the scientific method. you're not wrong. the variables are different. the outcome could very well be different, too. it's not that i don't want to try, alina. there are just certain things that i know i don't want to go through again, nor do i want to put anyone else through them. but i'm not considering not trying here. i would have told you if i was. i'm just enjoying existing in a bit of a bubble with you. i don't know that i'm ready for that to change. this all started with me complaining about my mother. we've gotten dreadfully off topic.
some other ways come to my mind as well. a competition, you say? i do love to win. am i competing against our mutual enemy?
the "or whatever" really sold it, didn't it? you would have saved us a lot of trouble if you had said that five minutes ago, nikolai. it helps to know where you stand on this. i don't mind being in a bubble with you. i'm not ready to leave it yet, either. we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. but i'm not going to push you to be with me if you don't want to be.
i wonder what those could be. i'm sure they've very innocent, pure ways. i had a feeling you might enjoy winning. i'm very hard to win over, though. for you to compete against him, he would need to be actual competition. but i guess he does count as an "unwanted admirer" now that i think about it. does that mean you've already won? because the only way he's ever going to make me happy is if he decides to light himself on fire and let me watch.
yes, i think that really pulled your argument together. i do apologize. i suppose i was still thinking on mal's handsomeness and didn't consider how i was sounding. i can be unnecessarily melancholy at times. anyway, i wouldn't be driving home right now if i didn't want to see you.
oh, they are. all perfectly appropriate for a nunnery. the hard to win over wins are the best ones. they're so very satisfying. how gruesome. i'm a fan. i know you still have your ties to his company, but do you speak to him often?
well, you kept your promise about escaping, so you're forgiven. try not to get too distracted by your fantasies of mal while you're driving.
only the kind of nunnery with a confessional. i can't tell if you have a fondness for competition or just difficult women. i thought you might approve. those are my personal fantasies. only in meetings. in my personal life - no. it's more like he tries to talk to me and i pretend he doesn't exist. apparently that means i "have behavioral issues" and am "too defiant".
it’s difficult. you opened this can of worms and now i can’t seem to put the lid on it.
can it be both? i think it’s both.
[ a beat, and then — ]
people. i like difficult people. not just women. although the ones with behavioral issues are my favorite kinds. i’m trying to picture someone ignoring him in person and it’s a rather comical image. his ego is almost as big as mine.
you commented on his handsomeness first. i only agreed. blame yourself for those thoughts.
do you? we have that in common. i like difficult people, too. not just men. which means you really should consider keeping me away from zoya. she might seduce me by punching your brother in the face. hurting his (larger than yours) ego does bring me a lot of joy sometimes. it's the least of what i'm owed, i think. i talk to his mother, though. aleksander has all of two redeeming qualities, and she's one of them. she's a hag. and she likes me better than she likes him.
the more i learn about you the fonder i grow. please don’t run away with zoya and leave me here with mal. that would be an unconscionable blow to my (larger) ego. oh, well, if she’s a hag then i’m sure she’s a delight. too bad about that spawn of hers. what’s the other redeeming quality?
i'm full of untapped secrets and surprises. i won't. mostly because i can't let mal have you, but also because you've convinced me zoya would eat me alive. his mother really should have just gotten rid of him and adopted me instead. it's better for own sanity if i don't tell you what the other redeeming quality is.
zoya wouldn’t eat you alive. she only eats dead things. she can be a bit abrasive, but once you get to know her, you’ll learn that her abrasion is simply her standard way of speaking. i find it very soothing at this stage of our friendship. is it that he’s wonderful in bed? i always assumed he’d be a bit selfish there.
will you still like me when she turns me into a carcass? so you can't sleep comfortably unless she's sending you violent threats. that's true friendship. funny. mal said something similar about all rich people. i'd call him driven. incendiary? let's go with that. i'm trying to spare you from graphic details that make you lose your breakfast. but it's kind of sad when i think about it. all of that talent was wasted on him.
certainly. i’ll have the best taxidermist attend to you and you’ll forever be memorialized on a wall of my study. was he talking about all rich people or was he talking specifically about me? i’m not sure how complimentary incendiary can be. but i'll have to agree with you there. i once admired him for his vision. i truly did want him to go on to do great things. i suppose that’s up to you and i now.
that would be romantic to hear if i was attracted to serial killers. he was talking about both. actually, he was talking about you, but i'm trying to keep the peace. i was also trying to have tact for once, nikolai. no one wants to hear "yeah, the sex with my ex was mind-blowing, but he sucks at everything else and i hate him." aleksander is the type of monster that's created by other people. too bad he had a million chances to change that and ruined them all. i guess it is up to us. no pressure, right?
sorry to disappoint. serial killing is not really my thing. that mal has commentary on my sex life is truly something else. he sounds almost as shameless as me. he also sounds like he has a bit of an obsession, which i can't entirely fault him for. it is me, after all. i think on most days i don't particularly want to hear about your past lovers, but morozova falls into a different category. you know what they say. know thy enemy, and all. i work best under pressure, personally speaking.
i'd say you're equally shameless, but in different ways. in his defense, he didn't randomly bring it up. in MY defense, i didn't randomly bring it up either. it was part of a much larger conversation. ps: when they said "know thy enemy", i don't think they meant learning about how he fucks. just a hunch. i can believe that. something tells me you've been working under pressure your entire life.
i don't know if i'm keen on the idea of being equals. do you have commentary on my sex life? do tell. healthy curiosity and a rampant thirst for knowledge are two of my key defining traits. nothing is off limits, not even morozova's bedroom habits. you might be right. it's why i display such diamond-like qualities. i'm sure you've noticed what a gem i am.
that better be because your pride can't handle not being superior in something, and not because i compared you to mal. i can't really have any commentary on something i know nothing about, can i? hmm, i'm not sure that rampant thirst is for knowledge if you're talking about aleksander's bedroom habits. i've also noticed you're great at deflecting with terrible jokes, but i'm letting it slide this time.
can't it be both? in theory, yes, but i find that everyone has opinions on things they know nothing about. why not this, too? i might be fixating. it's another one of my lovable habits. how angry do you think he'll be if he finds out we're so close? i assume he displays all the traits of someone terribly controlling. i'm great at everything. just a forewarning.
no, it can't be both. don't be an ass. first: am i "everyone"? second: i think this is just a trick to get me to fantasize about you. he isn't worth fixating on. you're flattering him. he'd love that. he'll be more than angry than humanly possible, but i don't want to think about his controlling habits. bad memories.
[ an understatement of the century. ]
don't lie. i remember that you admitted that you're terrible at being "as bold of a flirt as mal." aren't you so glad you're so quotable?
you're certainly not everyone. but you're not fantasizing about me? now i just feel so alone. of course. we don't have to talk about it. i only asked to begin to get ahead of this. he will eventually find out. but rest assured, alina, i'll be whatever you need me to be in that moment. you won't be alone. that's a promise. i wouldn't say i admitted to being terrible. just slightly not up to snuff in that regard. sometimes it can be quite the burden. i do love to talk.
then you'd best remember not to lump me in with them. as a "true student of the scientific method", i'm going to collect that data for myself. not right this second. i usually do all of my nikolai lantsov fantasizing on quiet, lonely nights when i have the house to myself. you're sweet. have i told you that? i'm lucky to have you. i just need you to be there for me, that's all. if you want to fight him, i won't hold you back. i was reading between the lines, and it said "terrible." which is honestly funny to me, because you've been flirting with me since the second we met.
i look forward to your findings. oh. if i was a blusher, i'd be blushing right now. i will admit that thoughts of you pop into my head at unpredictable times, so i don't have official alina starkov fantasy hours. you have, but i like to be reminded. and i'm always up for a impromptu battle of honor. have i? it's almost as if i've liked you since the second we met. isn't that curious?
i'll be sure to put them in thesis format for you. "oh." are you really that surprised? i'll take that as a challenge, by the way. especially because i have seen you blush before. it's cute. i thought your fantasy hours were "all the time" since i've been taking up real estate in your head. thank you for defending my honor. i'm not going to admit how that makes me feel. it is very curious. mostly because it took me an entire day to realize you were flirting with me and not just being, well, you.
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it makes a little sense.
but i won't ask you to talk about something you're obviously not ready to talk about.
do you know it's going to lead to someone's pain and suffering?
you're not psychic, nik. you can't say you know that.
and you can't decide what's going to make someone suffer and what isn't.
if you care about someone, you don't make their decisions for them. even if you think it's to protect them.
everyone deserves to make their own choices.
i disagree. you could stand to be a little more smitten with me.
are you ever on good behavior?
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it's improbable that it wouldn't lead to that.
i'd never make your choices for you, alina, but you might not always understand mine.
or like them. it comes with being vexing.
i'm allowing you to steal me away from my perfectly functional family in the middle of the night and i come bearing gifts.
how could i be more smitten? should i compose bad poetry for you?
create a poorly painted portrait, maybe? a nikolai lantsov original?
always, my dear.
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you might be vexing, but i'm annoyingly stubborn. you've met your match.
i don't think you're going to like what i'm about to say, but i'm going to say it anyway. it's one of the most disliked things about me.
this isn't some science experiment you can control. it's not going to replicate itself. you don't have all of the same variables, or whatever.
you're coming up with a theory based on old information.
every person is different. conditions can change. life is never predictable.
so saying it's going to lead to the exact same thing? it sounds like you're just trying to give yourself reasons not to bother trying.
i could think of a few other ways, but it's more fun to leave you guessing.
i wouldn't say no to terrible poetry, though. maybe a stick figure portrait. you do have competition with my unwanted admirer.
it's bad behavior to lie, you know.
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you're not wrong. the variables are different.
the outcome could very well be different, too.
it's not that i don't want to try, alina. there are just certain things that i know i don't want to go through again, nor do i want to put anyone else through them.
but i'm not considering not trying here. i would have told you if i was.
i'm just enjoying existing in a bit of a bubble with you. i don't know that i'm ready for that to change.
this all started with me complaining about my mother.
we've gotten dreadfully off topic.
some other ways come to my mind as well.
a competition, you say?
i do love to win.
am i competing against our mutual enemy?
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you would have saved us a lot of trouble if you had said that five minutes ago, nikolai. it helps to know where you stand on this.
i don't mind being in a bubble with you. i'm not ready to leave it yet, either.
we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
but i'm not going to push you to be with me if you don't want to be.
i wonder what those could be. i'm sure they've very innocent, pure ways.
i had a feeling you might enjoy winning. i'm very hard to win over, though.
for you to compete against him, he would need to be actual competition.
but i guess he does count as an "unwanted admirer" now that i think about it.
does that mean you've already won?
because the only way he's ever going to make me happy is if he decides to light himself on fire and let me watch.
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i do apologize. i suppose i was still thinking on mal's handsomeness and didn't consider how i was sounding.
i can be unnecessarily melancholy at times.
anyway, i wouldn't be driving home right now if i didn't want to see you.
oh, they are. all perfectly appropriate for a nunnery.
the hard to win over wins are the best ones. they're so very satisfying.
how gruesome. i'm a fan.
i know you still have your ties to his company, but do you speak to him often?
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try not to get too distracted by your fantasies of mal while you're driving.
only the kind of nunnery with a confessional.
i can't tell if you have a fondness for competition or just difficult women.
i thought you might approve. those are my personal fantasies.
only in meetings. in my personal life - no.
it's more like he tries to talk to me and i pretend he doesn't exist.
apparently that means i "have behavioral issues" and am "too defiant".
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can it be both? i think it’s both.
[ a beat, and then — ]
people. i like difficult people.
not just women.
although the ones with behavioral issues are my favorite kinds.
i’m trying to picture someone ignoring him in person and it’s a rather comical image.
his ego is almost as big as mine.
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do you? we have that in common. i like difficult people, too. not just men.
which means you really should consider keeping me away from zoya.
she might seduce me by punching your brother in the face.
hurting his (larger than yours) ego does bring me a lot of joy sometimes. it's the least of what i'm owed, i think.
i talk to his mother, though. aleksander has all of two redeeming qualities, and she's one of them.
she's a hag.
and she likes me better than she likes him.
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please don’t run away with zoya and leave me here with mal. that would be an unconscionable blow to my (larger) ego.
oh, well, if she’s a hag then i’m sure she’s a delight. too bad about that spawn of hers.
what’s the other redeeming quality?
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i won't. mostly because i can't let mal have you, but also because you've convinced me zoya would eat me alive.
his mother really should have just gotten rid of him and adopted me instead.
it's better for own sanity if i don't tell you what the other redeeming quality is.
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she can be a bit abrasive, but once you get to know her, you’ll learn that her abrasion is simply her standard way of speaking.
i find it very soothing at this stage of our friendship.
is it that he’s wonderful in bed?
i always assumed he’d be a bit selfish there.
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so you can't sleep comfortably unless she's sending you violent threats.
that's true friendship.
funny. mal said something similar about all rich people.
i'd call him driven. incendiary? let's go with that.
i'm trying to spare you from graphic details that make you lose your breakfast.
but it's kind of sad when i think about it. all of that talent was wasted on him.
no subject
was he talking about all rich people or was he talking specifically about me?
i’m not sure how complimentary incendiary can be.
but i'll have to agree with you there. i once admired him for his vision. i truly did want him to go on to do great things.
i suppose that’s up to you and i now.
no subject
he was talking about both. actually, he was talking about you, but i'm trying to keep the peace.
i was also trying to have tact for once, nikolai. no one wants to hear "yeah, the sex with my ex was mind-blowing, but he sucks at everything else and i hate him."
aleksander is the type of monster that's created by other people. too bad he had a million chances to change that and ruined them all.
i guess it is up to us. no pressure, right?
no subject
that mal has commentary on my sex life is truly something else. he sounds almost as shameless as me.
he also sounds like he has a bit of an obsession, which i can't entirely fault him for.
it is me, after all.
i think on most days i don't particularly want to hear about your past lovers, but morozova falls into a different category. you know what they say. know thy enemy, and all.
i work best under pressure, personally speaking.
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in his defense, he didn't randomly bring it up. in MY defense, i didn't randomly bring it up either.
it was part of a much larger conversation.
ps: when they said "know thy enemy", i don't think they meant learning about how he fucks. just a hunch.
i can believe that. something tells me you've been working under pressure your entire life.
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do you have commentary on my sex life? do tell.
healthy curiosity and a rampant thirst for knowledge are two of my key defining traits. nothing is off limits, not even morozova's bedroom habits.
you might be right. it's why i display such diamond-like qualities. i'm sure you've noticed what a gem i am.
no subject
i can't really have any commentary on something i know nothing about, can i?
hmm, i'm not sure that rampant thirst is for knowledge if you're talking about aleksander's bedroom habits.
i've also noticed you're great at deflecting with terrible jokes, but i'm letting it slide this time.
no subject
in theory, yes, but i find that everyone has opinions on things they know nothing about. why not this, too?
i might be fixating. it's another one of my lovable habits.
how angry do you think he'll be if he finds out we're so close?
i assume he displays all the traits of someone terribly controlling.
i'm great at everything. just a forewarning.
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first: am i "everyone"? second: i think this is just a trick to get me to fantasize about you.
he isn't worth fixating on. you're flattering him. he'd love that.
he'll be more than angry than humanly possible, but i don't want to think about his controlling habits. bad memories.
[ an understatement of the century. ]
don't lie. i remember that you admitted that you're terrible at being "as bold of a flirt as mal."
aren't you so glad you're so quotable?
no subject
but you're not fantasizing about me? now i just feel so alone.
of course. we don't have to talk about it.
i only asked to begin to get ahead of this. he will eventually find out.
but rest assured, alina, i'll be whatever you need me to be in that moment. you won't be alone. that's a promise.
i wouldn't say i admitted to being terrible. just slightly not up to snuff in that regard.
sometimes it can be quite the burden. i do love to talk.
no subject
not right this second. i usually do all of my nikolai lantsov fantasizing on quiet, lonely nights when i have the house to myself.
you're sweet. have i told you that? i'm lucky to have you.
i just need you to be there for me, that's all. if you want to fight him, i won't hold you back.
i was reading between the lines, and it said "terrible."
which is honestly funny to me, because you've been flirting with me since the second we met.
no subject
oh. if i was a blusher, i'd be blushing right now.
i will admit that thoughts of you pop into my head at unpredictable times, so i don't have official alina starkov fantasy hours.
you have, but i like to be reminded.
and i'm always up for a impromptu battle of honor.
have i? it's almost as if i've liked you since the second we met. isn't that curious?
no subject
"oh." are you really that surprised?
i'll take that as a challenge, by the way. especially because i have seen you blush before. it's cute.
i thought your fantasy hours were "all the time" since i've been taking up real estate in your head.
thank you for defending my honor. i'm not going to admit how that makes me feel.
it is very curious. mostly because it took me an entire day to realize you were flirting with me and not just being, well, you.
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