i'll tell you a secret. sometimes i dream about giving them up. don't apologize for your oddly specific passions. all i'm saying is that perhaps i was wrong for shutting you out before. i didn't want to add to what you were already bearing. i didn't want to upset you. i didn't want to make you think about him any more than you already have to. i didn't think about how sharing the burden might lighten the load. don't shut me out of this, alina. if we're going to be together, i want to be with all of you. even the parts you don't find beautiful.
well, you already have a family in zoya and i. but i hear you can't exactly give up grown adults for adoption. perhaps you were wrong? no wonder mal didn't say anything to your apology. i'll try. i still think i'm more trouble than i'm worth, for you. but if i'm going to try, then maybe you should consider giving me a choice in what i can and can't handle, too. i know your heart was in the right place, but it's really only made me feel like you rely on zoya more than you rely on me. or that you think the both of you are strong enough to handle it, but i'm not. i've been treated as something fragile all my life, nik. i hate it.
my apologies are one of a kind. weâre both trouble. but we just happen to be the kind of trouble thatâs worth it, so might as well get used to the idea now. it wasnât my intention to make you feel that way, but i did, and iâm sorry. itâs been zoya and i for so long that sometimes i forget it isnât just us existing in a bubble. youâre the farthest thing from fragile. i hope you know that i admire you a great deal.
easy for you to say. you're mostly good trouble. the insane, make-you-feel-alive kind of trouble. i know you didn't. i think you and zoya both forget that. what could perfect princely nikolai lantsov have to admire? i don't think i can compete with your mirror.
two compliments today. i don't know what to do with myself. she's my mal. we met under awful circumstances and it made us something like what i imagine family should be. but you don't have mal fill a space meant for me. i won't do that to you, either. you've done remarkable things with your life, alina. i was born into privilege. our lives have been very different. i don't know what it's like to be where you've been. you've gone through so much and still you've retained your goodness. that's an extraordinarily difficult thing to do. it's something i'm not sure i've succeeded at.
i like to keep you on your toes with my compliments. will they happen? when will they happen? youâll never know.
of course i wouldnât have mal fill your space. zoya would murder me. but i donât think you have zoya filling a space meant for me, either. i just think the both of you donât realize that youâre not great at letting anyone else into the world you two exist in.
remarkable like screwing it all up terribly? i barely know what i want or what iâm doing anymore. donât be jealous of that. especially when iâve seen your heart, and i know itâs good and true. a little too bent on revenge, maybe. but iâve known terrible people, so you have to trust me when i say you arenât one. youâre trying to be better than your privilege. thatâs worth something.
zoya will draw the line at murder. probably. or i'll draw the line for her. you're not wrong. i think she'd rather die than show weakness. it makes her rose bushes very prickly and very uncomfortable to get past. and i'm very protective of her bad habits, so i don't make it any easier. but i'm trying. i'm trying to let you into every part of me.
you haven't screwed it up. you're still protecting so many people at a great cost to yourself. and you've built yourself a wonderful life surrounded by people who truly care for you. you're good, alina. in a way that i think i can only hope to be. sometimes it scares me how far i think i'd go for what i want. there are lines that shouldn't be crossed and yet i find myself justifying them all the same.
it isnât only that. the two of you revolve around each other. depend on only each other, sometimes. and i canât say you depend on each other too much without looking like a hypocrite. but itâs hard to find a way in. i know youâre both trying, so i wonât say anything else.
iâm the one that got them into trouble in the first place, just by knowing me. thatâs not very noble. i owe them that protection. stopping is always an option, nikolai. if you forget whatâs important to you, youâre going to start crossing lines youâll wish you had never crossed at all. that changes a person, and not for the better.
i know. we do. she saw me through my lowest point and i through hers, and we reached that level of comfort and trust out of sheer necessity. i normally only put out the parts of me that i know people will like. i want you to see all of me, alina, i do, but it's been incredibly difficult for me to intentionally show you those parts that i consider undesirable. it's a habit to fall back on the person that already knows the worst of me. but i've never once regretted sharing any of me with you. you've proven over and over again that you're a safe place to land. i want to get to that point with you. i will.
aleksander is the person that got them into trouble. not you. you don't owe them anything, but you're doing what you believe is the just thing to do, and my admiration of your selflessness grows ever more. it makes me want to end this all the more. it makes those lines look even thinner and easier to cross. i don't want you to have to do this anymore. i don't want him to touch anyone else.
i know. but itâs not only myself iâm thinking about. itâs gotten in the way of malâs relationship with zoya, too. if thereâs anyone that deserves to be happy after everything heâs been put through, itâs him. i donât want that ruined for him, either. even if i donât really like zoya lately.
you donât owe me anything. i can handle it. i would rather do that than see you forget your way and end up like him.
you should have tried harder to keep them from sleeping together. now we can really blame your parties for something.
nothing is sacred to him. not morals. not people. not anything. as long as you have one line you wonât cross, or one thing that matters more than all of this, youâre safe. just be loyal to yourself. thatâs all iâm asking. did you think i was actually comparing you both?
i don't believe you. mostly because zoya would destroy you in a fight, but because i think you want the same for her. to be happy. even if it's with someone you don't like that much, and even if the timing is inconvenient.
you could, but i've already tried to keep one man in line and you've seen how that turned out. it could end just as badly, or with you resenting me for it. i can get you a "what would alina starkov do" bracelet to remind you instead?
so inconvenient. if i was the paranoid sort i'd say they conspired against me specifically with this.
i could never resent you, starlight. even if you're indirectly involved with mal taking my best friend away from me. just by association. please do. i'll wear it with pride. you know what alina starkov should do? wear this lovely halo crown.
i actually orchestrated that entire plan so you'd have nothing else to do but pay attention to me. you're looking at a mastermind.
don't blame me when i'm also a victim in this. zoya took my emotional support best friend from me, too. i'll consult with alina starkov and see what she has to say about that. by the way? it's not fair to try to get me to wear a crown when i already feel guilty for making you think i was saying you're like aleksander.
i rather like you being my one and only distraction. everything else seems unimportant in comparison.
it seems those two are prematurely forcing us out of the nest. incredibly rude, if i must say so myself, though rude is hardly unexpected from zoya. i'm not as offended as i feel i should be. no need to feel guilty, then. but you can make me very happy with this crown. will you at least wear it for me around the house? remember, i'm tragically invested at this point.
you're going to regret those words when your phone and your projects start going mysteriously missing again.
mal hogs nests and blankets and beds and everything in-between, so maybe i should consider it a blessing. you shouldn't be offended, because that's not how i meant it. i'm not good at talking. at least take pity on me. 𼺠i'll wear anything you want around the house including crowns, if that's what's going to make you happy. maybe not at any parties, though. that's more attention than i want to deal with.
trials i must endure. they make one stronger, or however the saying goes.
did you two ever date? curious minds want to know. i reserve my pity only for motherless kittens and myself when people don't listen to me. it would make me happy. very happy. i'm happy just thinking about it. well, the sight of you in that dress and me on your arm will make enough of a statement. i'm very much looking forward to aleksander's envy. he knows better than to be rude to me in public. maybe.
using words like trial and endure almost hurts my feelings. i didn't threaten to throw them off of the veranda. that would be a trial. and really cathartic.
no. mal has never looked at me like that in his entire life. why would you ask that? technically, i am a motherless kitten. the runt of the litter, so i'll take your pity now. i'm starting to see a pattern with your happiness and my clothing. he knows better. that doesn't mean he won't murder you in some corner where no one can see. i'd stay away from being alone with him.
well, it's better than throwing them off the yacht. i suppose i should be thanking you for showing great restraint.
you mentioned beds and blankets and i wasn't sure if it was a platonic hogging or not. zoya only shares my bed on very specific and rare occasions. in any case, that sounds like his loss. you're not pitiful enough to get my pity. you must try harder. alina, please. i'm far too important to be murdered. imagine the scandal.
don't thank me just yet. there's always the koi pond. i'll make your fish accessories to my crimes.
it's just platonic hogging. i've shared my bed with mal for years. for us, that's normal. he's not losing out on anything. zoya looks like she stepped out of a magazine. he's lucky, and so is zoya. you could at least pretend to pity me. isn't that in the boyfriend handbook? like that would stop him from eviscerating you. he'll just move on to threats and tormenting you.
the fish have done nothing to you. haven't you heard that terrorizing them is how you get banned from the pleasure of my estate forever? they make the rules. not me.
hm. lucky fool that mal is. you'd be surprised. zoya has this thing about her where she feels she isn't made for the sort of fairytale love most people crave. she's the girl you take to bed, not the girl you marry. i've told her a hundred times that she's wrong, but she rarely heeds my good advice. is mal the settling down type? i think not. the handbook has been updated since you last checked. something about halo crowns and making people jealous. maybe i like that sort of attention. it excites me.
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don't apologize for your oddly specific passions.
all i'm saying is that perhaps i was wrong for shutting you out before. i didn't want to add to what you were already bearing. i didn't want to upset you. i didn't want to make you think about him any more than you already have to.
i didn't think about how sharing the burden might lighten the load.
don't shut me out of this, alina. if we're going to be together, i want to be with all of you. even the parts you don't find beautiful.
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perhaps you were wrong? no wonder mal didn't say anything to your apology.
i'll try. i still think i'm more trouble than i'm worth, for you.
but if i'm going to try, then maybe you should consider giving me a choice in what i can and can't handle, too.
i know your heart was in the right place, but it's really only made me feel like you rely on zoya more than you rely on me.
or that you think the both of you are strong enough to handle it, but i'm not.
i've been treated as something fragile all my life, nik. i hate it.
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weâre both trouble. but we just happen to be the kind of trouble thatâs worth it, so might as well get used to the idea now.
it wasnât my intention to make you feel that way, but i did, and iâm sorry.
itâs been zoya and i for so long that sometimes i forget it isnât just us existing in a bubble.
youâre the farthest thing from fragile. i hope you know that i admire you a great deal.
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i know you didn't. i think you and zoya both forget that.
what could perfect princely nikolai lantsov have to admire? i don't think i can compete with your mirror.
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she's my mal. we met under awful circumstances and it made us something like what i imagine family should be.
but you don't have mal fill a space meant for me. i won't do that to you, either.
you've done remarkable things with your life, alina. i was born into privilege. our lives have been very different. i don't know what it's like to be where you've been.
you've gone through so much and still you've retained your goodness. that's an extraordinarily difficult thing to do. it's something i'm not sure i've succeeded at.
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will they happen? when will they happen? youâll never know.
of course i wouldnât have mal fill your space. zoya would murder me.
but i donât think you have zoya filling a space meant for me, either.
i just think the both of you donât realize that youâre not great at letting anyone else into the world you two exist in.
remarkable like screwing it all up terribly? i barely know what i want or what iâm doing anymore.
donât be jealous of that. especially when iâve seen your heart, and i know itâs good and true.
a little too bent on revenge, maybe. but iâve known terrible people, so you have to trust me when i say you arenât one.
youâre trying to be better than your privilege. thatâs worth something.
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sets the heart racing.
zoya will draw the line at murder. probably.
or i'll draw the line for her.
you're not wrong. i think she'd rather die than show weakness. it makes her rose bushes very prickly and very uncomfortable to get past.
and i'm very protective of her bad habits, so i don't make it any easier.
but i'm trying. i'm trying to let you into every part of me.
you haven't screwed it up. you're still protecting so many people at a great cost to yourself. and you've built yourself a wonderful life surrounded by people who truly care for you.
you're good, alina. in a way that i think i can only hope to be.
sometimes it scares me how far i think i'd go for what i want. there are lines that shouldn't be crossed and yet i find myself justifying them all the same.
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and i canât say you depend on each other too much without looking like a hypocrite.
but itâs hard to find a way in. i know youâre both trying, so i wonât say anything else.
iâm the one that got them into trouble in the first place, just by knowing me. thatâs not very noble.
i owe them that protection.
stopping is always an option, nikolai.
if you forget whatâs important to you, youâre going to start crossing lines youâll wish you had never crossed at all.
that changes a person, and not for the better.
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i normally only put out the parts of me that i know people will like.
i want you to see all of me, alina, i do, but it's been incredibly difficult for me to intentionally show you those parts that i consider undesirable. it's a habit to fall back on the person that already knows the worst of me.
but i've never once regretted sharing any of me with you. you've proven over and over again that you're a safe place to land.
i want to get to that point with you. i will.
aleksander is the person that got them into trouble. not you.
you don't owe them anything, but you're doing what you believe is the just thing to do, and my admiration of your selflessness grows ever more.
it makes me want to end this all the more. it makes those lines look even thinner and easier to cross.
i don't want you to have to do this anymore. i don't want him to touch anyone else.
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itâs gotten in the way of malâs relationship with zoya, too.
if thereâs anyone that deserves to be happy after everything heâs been put through, itâs him.
i donât want that ruined for him, either. even if i donât really like zoya lately.
you donât owe me anything. i can handle it.
i would rather do that than see you forget your way and end up like him.
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i suppose he still likes her, then?
if i ever seem aleksanderish, you'll tell me, won't you?
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i would.
youâre not him, nikolai.
but youâre playing a dangerous game, and i donât want to see you start using his own tactics against him.
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noted. we're in agreement there.
at that point i wonder if i will have already lost.
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now we can really blame your parties for something.
nothing is sacred to him. not morals. not people. not anything.
as long as you have one line you wonât cross, or one thing that matters more than all of this, youâre safe.
just be loyal to yourself. thatâs all iâm asking.
did you think i was actually comparing you both?
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i don't know.
i think about certain situations and i'm just not sure what i might do.
maybe my measure should be being loyal to you instead of myself.
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mostly because zoya would destroy you in a fight, but because i think you want the same for her.
to be happy. even if it's with someone you don't like that much, and even if the timing is inconvenient.
you could, but i've already tried to keep one man in line and you've seen how that turned out.
it could end just as badly, or with you resenting me for it.
i can get you a "what would alina starkov do" bracelet to remind you instead?
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if i was the paranoid sort i'd say they conspired against me specifically with this.
i could never resent you, starlight. even if you're indirectly involved with mal taking my best friend away from me. just by association.
please do. i'll wear it with pride.
you know what alina starkov should do? wear this lovely halo crown.
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you're looking at a mastermind.
don't blame me when i'm also a victim in this. zoya took my emotional support best friend from me, too.
i'll consult with alina starkov and see what she has to say about that.
by the way? it's not fair to try to get me to wear a crown when i already feel guilty for making you think i was saying you're like aleksander.
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everything else seems unimportant in comparison.
it seems those two are prematurely forcing us out of the nest. incredibly rude, if i must say so myself, though rude is hardly unexpected from zoya.
i'm not as offended as i feel i should be. no need to feel guilty, then.
but you can make me very happy with this crown.
will you at least wear it for me around the house? remember, i'm tragically invested at this point.
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mal hogs nests and blankets and beds and everything in-between, so maybe i should consider it a blessing.
you shouldn't be offended, because that's not how i meant it. i'm not good at talking. at least take pity on me. đĽş
i'll wear anything you want around the house including crowns, if that's what's going to make you happy.
maybe not at any parties, though. that's more attention than i want to deal with.
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did you two ever date? curious minds want to know.
i reserve my pity only for motherless kittens and myself when people don't listen to me.
it would make me happy. very happy. i'm happy just thinking about it.
well, the sight of you in that dress and me on your arm will make enough of a statement. i'm very much looking forward to aleksander's envy. he knows better than to be rude to me in public. maybe.
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i didn't threaten to throw them off of the veranda. that would be a trial.
and really cathartic.
no. mal has never looked at me like that in his entire life. why would you ask that?
technically, i am a motherless kitten. the runt of the litter, so i'll take your pity now.
i'm starting to see a pattern with your happiness and my clothing.
he knows better. that doesn't mean he won't murder you in some corner where no one can see. i'd stay away from being alone with him.
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i suppose i should be thanking you for showing great restraint.
you mentioned beds and blankets and i wasn't sure if it was a platonic hogging or not. zoya only shares my bed on very specific and rare occasions.
in any case, that sounds like his loss.
you're not pitiful enough to get my pity. you must try harder.
alina, please. i'm far too important to be murdered. imagine the scandal.
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i'll make your fish accessories to my crimes.
it's just platonic hogging.
i've shared my bed with mal for years. for us, that's normal.
he's not losing out on anything. zoya looks like she stepped out of a magazine. he's lucky, and so is zoya.
you could at least pretend to pity me. isn't that in the boyfriend handbook?
like that would stop him from eviscerating you. he'll just move on to threats and tormenting you.
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haven't you heard that terrorizing them is how you get banned from the pleasure of my estate forever?
they make the rules. not me.
hm. lucky fool that mal is.
you'd be surprised. zoya has this thing about her where she feels she isn't made for the sort of fairytale love most people crave. she's the girl you take to bed, not the girl you marry. i've told her a hundred times that she's wrong, but she rarely heeds my good advice.
is mal the settling down type?
i think not. the handbook has been updated since you last checked. something about halo crowns and making people jealous.
maybe i like that sort of attention. it excites me.
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