maybe you are. maybe you aren't. painting a fair picture is less important than the way it makes you feel. sometimes it's worth forgiving people not because you feel sorry for them, but to give yourself closure to move on from whatever happened between you two. i'd understand if you can't forgive her. there are some things that just aren't worth forgiving.
i didn't think you'd remember that. but yeah, like that. you did say it was one of your favorite colors. you caught me. it's all part of my diabolical plan. i'm obviously just using you for your very fancy veranda.
[ how did he start talking about this? her ability to pull these little-spoken truths out of him is highly conspicuous. ]
i don't know if it's something one moves on from. i've never been particularly good at that, anyway.
you made quite the first impression. it's not one i'll soon forget. and i didn't think you'd remember that. i knew you were a secret veranda enthusiast. everyone is. i'll show you exactly which part mal broke with his enormously thick but somewhat handsome skull.
moving on happens without your permission, without you ever realizing it's happened. until one day you wake up and it has happened. i don't think there's such a thing as being good or bad at moving on, anyway. everyone carries the past with them. it's only "bad" when it starts defining your future for you. then you just get trapped in the same moment, making the same memories and the same mistakes. you should trust me. i have a lot of wise experience when it comes to that.
i can't decide if that's a good thing, or if it was so terrible you won't be forgetting it. well, you wanted me to know that about you. of course i remember it. surprisingly, i listen. you've discovered my secret passion for verandas. so you're finally admitting mal is handsome, then? i'll pass on the news to him. maybe some pictures so he can admire his handiwork.
does it? to be perfectly honest, i hate the idea of that. it feels like a betrayal to just forget. would you tell me about your wise experiences?
obviously terrible. so terrible that i just haven't been able to get you out of my head since then. so very terrible that i want to spend more and more time with you. perhaps i should befriend mal after all. i'm sure he's full of fascinating stories about you.
i didn't say anything about forgetting. it's not that black and white. moving on is just giving yourself permission to be happy despite the terrible things that have happened to you. people can still mourn and long for what they've never had, or what they've lost. they can still be angry over what was done to them. it's about learning to accept what's happened to you, and continuing to live in spite of it. they aren't very happy experiences. i'm not sure you really want to hear them.
i'm like a weed. i grow on you when you least expect it. have you really not been able to get me out of your head? christ, don't. i can guarantee you all of those stories are going to be embarrassing. or you'll ask for them, and he'll punch you in the face. i'm not sure yet.
even if you accept the terrible thing that's happened, should you move on if it means it'll likely happen again? because that's what i think giving myself permission to be happy will lead to. i do want to hear them. but only if you want to share them. it doesn't have to be tonight.
you've taken up an alarming amount of space in my head. i like you, alina. it's a bit nerve-wracking. hm. i'll ponder if the gain is worth the risk. does that mean i have permission to hit him back?
you should, because "likely" doesn't mean "guaranteed". nothing is impossible, remember? you told me that. what's the other option, anyway? you just let fear decide what you're going to do and give up? that's not much of a life, and it doesn't sound like you. don't be a self-fulfilling prophecy. ask me again later tonight. i'll tell you before sunrise. the cristal will be useful for that.
i would apologize for it, but i'm not actually sorry. i like being on your mind. are you trying to tell me you're smitten with me? because that would be a relief, since i think about you all the time. it's almost disgusting. if either of you start throwing punches, i'll beat both of you into a bloody pulp.
i suppose i did tell you i love to be quoted. i wouldn't say it's fear. well, it's a bit of fear. i just find it hard to explain. happiness has never been a goal of mine. it's a pretty thought, yes, but it isn't of paramount importance to me. i feel better knowing that i'm not the cause of someone else's suffering. that i've always found to be a far greater motivator than anything else. so to repeat something that i know will lead to pain sounds, to me, like an awful thing to do to someone else. especially someone i care for. i'm sorry if this isn't making sense. maybe with time it will.
quite. too much, maybe. i'll have to be on good behavior, then.
so, some fear but mostly guilt. it makes a little sense. but i won't ask you to talk about something you're obviously not ready to talk about. do you know it's going to lead to someone's pain and suffering? you're not psychic, nik. you can't say you know that. and you can't decide what's going to make someone suffer and what isn't. if you care about someone, you don't make their decisions for them. even if you think it's to protect them. everyone deserves to make their own choices.
i disagree. you could stand to be a little more smitten with me. are you ever on good behavior?
there is a measure of guilt involved, but i do believe i've earned it. it's improbable that it wouldn't lead to that. i'd never make your choices for you, alina, but you might not always understand mine. or like them. it comes with being vexing.
i'm allowing you to steal me away from my perfectly functional family in the middle of the night and i come bearing gifts. how could i be more smitten? should i compose bad poetry for you? create a poorly painted portrait, maybe? a nikolai lantsov original? always, my dear.
"improbable" is just a way of saying there's still a chance. you might be vexing, but i'm annoyingly stubborn. you've met your match. i don't think you're going to like what i'm about to say, but i'm going to say it anyway. it's one of the most disliked things about me. this isn't some science experiment you can control. it's not going to replicate itself. you don't have all of the same variables, or whatever. you're coming up with a theory based on old information. every person is different. conditions can change. life is never predictable. so saying it's going to lead to the exact same thing? it sounds like you're just trying to give yourself reasons not to bother trying.
i could think of a few other ways, but it's more fun to leave you guessing. i wouldn't say no to terrible poetry, though. maybe a stick figure portrait. you do have competition with my unwanted admirer. it's bad behavior to lie, you know.
spoken like a true student of the scientific method. you're not wrong. the variables are different. the outcome could very well be different, too. it's not that i don't want to try, alina. there are just certain things that i know i don't want to go through again, nor do i want to put anyone else through them. but i'm not considering not trying here. i would have told you if i was. i'm just enjoying existing in a bit of a bubble with you. i don't know that i'm ready for that to change. this all started with me complaining about my mother. we've gotten dreadfully off topic.
some other ways come to my mind as well. a competition, you say? i do love to win. am i competing against our mutual enemy?
the "or whatever" really sold it, didn't it? you would have saved us a lot of trouble if you had said that five minutes ago, nikolai. it helps to know where you stand on this. i don't mind being in a bubble with you. i'm not ready to leave it yet, either. we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. but i'm not going to push you to be with me if you don't want to be.
i wonder what those could be. i'm sure they've very innocent, pure ways. i had a feeling you might enjoy winning. i'm very hard to win over, though. for you to compete against him, he would need to be actual competition. but i guess he does count as an "unwanted admirer" now that i think about it. does that mean you've already won? because the only way he's ever going to make me happy is if he decides to light himself on fire and let me watch.
yes, i think that really pulled your argument together. i do apologize. i suppose i was still thinking on mal's handsomeness and didn't consider how i was sounding. i can be unnecessarily melancholy at times. anyway, i wouldn't be driving home right now if i didn't want to see you.
oh, they are. all perfectly appropriate for a nunnery. the hard to win over wins are the best ones. they're so very satisfying. how gruesome. i'm a fan. i know you still have your ties to his company, but do you speak to him often?
well, you kept your promise about escaping, so you're forgiven. try not to get too distracted by your fantasies of mal while you're driving.
only the kind of nunnery with a confessional. i can't tell if you have a fondness for competition or just difficult women. i thought you might approve. those are my personal fantasies. only in meetings. in my personal life - no. it's more like he tries to talk to me and i pretend he doesn't exist. apparently that means i "have behavioral issues" and am "too defiant".
it’s difficult. you opened this can of worms and now i can’t seem to put the lid on it.
can it be both? i think it’s both.
[ a beat, and then — ]
people. i like difficult people. not just women. although the ones with behavioral issues are my favorite kinds. i’m trying to picture someone ignoring him in person and it’s a rather comical image. his ego is almost as big as mine.
you commented on his handsomeness first. i only agreed. blame yourself for those thoughts.
do you? we have that in common. i like difficult people, too. not just men. which means you really should consider keeping me away from zoya. she might seduce me by punching your brother in the face. hurting his (larger than yours) ego does bring me a lot of joy sometimes. it's the least of what i'm owed, i think. i talk to his mother, though. aleksander has all of two redeeming qualities, and she's one of them. she's a hag. and she likes me better than she likes him.
the more i learn about you the fonder i grow. please don’t run away with zoya and leave me here with mal. that would be an unconscionable blow to my (larger) ego. oh, well, if she’s a hag then i’m sure she’s a delight. too bad about that spawn of hers. what’s the other redeeming quality?
i'm full of untapped secrets and surprises. i won't. mostly because i can't let mal have you, but also because you've convinced me zoya would eat me alive. his mother really should have just gotten rid of him and adopted me instead. it's better for own sanity if i don't tell you what the other redeeming quality is.
zoya wouldn’t eat you alive. she only eats dead things. she can be a bit abrasive, but once you get to know her, you’ll learn that her abrasion is simply her standard way of speaking. i find it very soothing at this stage of our friendship. is it that he’s wonderful in bed? i always assumed he’d be a bit selfish there.
will you still like me when she turns me into a carcass? so you can't sleep comfortably unless she's sending you violent threats. that's true friendship. funny. mal said something similar about all rich people. i'd call him driven. incendiary? let's go with that. i'm trying to spare you from graphic details that make you lose your breakfast. but it's kind of sad when i think about it. all of that talent was wasted on him.
certainly. i’ll have the best taxidermist attend to you and you’ll forever be memorialized on a wall of my study. was he talking about all rich people or was he talking specifically about me? i’m not sure how complimentary incendiary can be. but i'll have to agree with you there. i once admired him for his vision. i truly did want him to go on to do great things. i suppose that’s up to you and i now.
that would be romantic to hear if i was attracted to serial killers. he was talking about both. actually, he was talking about you, but i'm trying to keep the peace. i was also trying to have tact for once, nikolai. no one wants to hear "yeah, the sex with my ex was mind-blowing, but he sucks at everything else and i hate him." aleksander is the type of monster that's created by other people. too bad he had a million chances to change that and ruined them all. i guess it is up to us. no pressure, right?
sorry to disappoint. serial killing is not really my thing. that mal has commentary on my sex life is truly something else. he sounds almost as shameless as me. he also sounds like he has a bit of an obsession, which i can't entirely fault him for. it is me, after all. i think on most days i don't particularly want to hear about your past lovers, but morozova falls into a different category. you know what they say. know thy enemy, and all. i work best under pressure, personally speaking.
i'd say you're equally shameless, but in different ways. in his defense, he didn't randomly bring it up. in MY defense, i didn't randomly bring it up either. it was part of a much larger conversation. ps: when they said "know thy enemy", i don't think they meant learning about how he fucks. just a hunch. i can believe that. something tells me you've been working under pressure your entire life.
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sometimes it's worth forgiving people not because you feel sorry for them, but to give yourself closure to move on from whatever happened between you two.
i'd understand if you can't forgive her. there are some things that just aren't worth forgiving.
i didn't think you'd remember that. but yeah, like that.
you did say it was one of your favorite colors.
you caught me. it's all part of my diabolical plan.
i'm obviously just using you for your very fancy veranda.
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i don't know if it's something one moves on from.
i've never been particularly good at that, anyway.
you made quite the first impression. it's not one i'll soon forget.
and i didn't think you'd remember that.
i knew you were a secret veranda enthusiast. everyone is.
i'll show you exactly which part mal broke with his enormously thick but somewhat handsome skull.
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i don't think there's such a thing as being good or bad at moving on, anyway.
everyone carries the past with them. it's only "bad" when it starts defining your future for you.
then you just get trapped in the same moment, making the same memories and the same mistakes.
you should trust me. i have a lot of wise experience when it comes to that.
i can't decide if that's a good thing, or if it was so terrible you won't be forgetting it.
well, you wanted me to know that about you. of course i remember it. surprisingly, i listen.
you've discovered my secret passion for verandas.
so you're finally admitting mal is handsome, then? i'll pass on the news to him.
maybe some pictures so he can admire his handiwork.
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to be perfectly honest, i hate the idea of that.
it feels like a betrayal to just forget.
would you tell me about your wise experiences?
obviously terrible. so terrible that i just haven't been able to get you out of my head since then. so very terrible that i want to spend more and more time with you.
perhaps i should befriend mal after all. i'm sure he's full of fascinating stories about you.
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moving on is just giving yourself permission to be happy despite the terrible things that have happened to you.
people can still mourn and long for what they've never had, or what they've lost. they can still be angry over what was done to them.
it's about learning to accept what's happened to you, and continuing to live in spite of it.
they aren't very happy experiences. i'm not sure you really want to hear them.
i'm like a weed. i grow on you when you least expect it.
have you really not been able to get me out of your head?
christ, don't. i can guarantee you all of those stories are going to be embarrassing.
or you'll ask for them, and he'll punch you in the face. i'm not sure yet.
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because that's what i think giving myself permission to be happy will lead to.
i do want to hear them. but only if you want to share them.
it doesn't have to be tonight.
you've taken up an alarming amount of space in my head.
i like you, alina. it's a bit nerve-wracking.
hm. i'll ponder if the gain is worth the risk.
does that mean i have permission to hit him back?
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what's the other option, anyway? you just let fear decide what you're going to do and give up?
that's not much of a life, and it doesn't sound like you. don't be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
ask me again later tonight. i'll tell you before sunrise. the cristal will be useful for that.
i would apologize for it, but i'm not actually sorry. i like being on your mind.
are you trying to tell me you're smitten with me?
because that would be a relief, since i think about you all the time. it's almost disgusting.
if either of you start throwing punches, i'll beat both of you into a bloody pulp.
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i wouldn't say it's fear.
well, it's a bit of fear.
i just find it hard to explain.
happiness has never been a goal of mine. it's a pretty thought, yes, but it isn't of paramount importance to me.
i feel better knowing that i'm not the cause of someone else's suffering. that i've always found to be a far greater motivator than anything else.
so to repeat something that i know will lead to pain sounds, to me, like an awful thing to do to someone else.
especially someone i care for.
i'm sorry if this isn't making sense. maybe with time it will.
quite. too much, maybe.
i'll have to be on good behavior, then.
no subject
it makes a little sense.
but i won't ask you to talk about something you're obviously not ready to talk about.
do you know it's going to lead to someone's pain and suffering?
you're not psychic, nik. you can't say you know that.
and you can't decide what's going to make someone suffer and what isn't.
if you care about someone, you don't make their decisions for them. even if you think it's to protect them.
everyone deserves to make their own choices.
i disagree. you could stand to be a little more smitten with me.
are you ever on good behavior?
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it's improbable that it wouldn't lead to that.
i'd never make your choices for you, alina, but you might not always understand mine.
or like them. it comes with being vexing.
i'm allowing you to steal me away from my perfectly functional family in the middle of the night and i come bearing gifts.
how could i be more smitten? should i compose bad poetry for you?
create a poorly painted portrait, maybe? a nikolai lantsov original?
always, my dear.
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you might be vexing, but i'm annoyingly stubborn. you've met your match.
i don't think you're going to like what i'm about to say, but i'm going to say it anyway. it's one of the most disliked things about me.
this isn't some science experiment you can control. it's not going to replicate itself. you don't have all of the same variables, or whatever.
you're coming up with a theory based on old information.
every person is different. conditions can change. life is never predictable.
so saying it's going to lead to the exact same thing? it sounds like you're just trying to give yourself reasons not to bother trying.
i could think of a few other ways, but it's more fun to leave you guessing.
i wouldn't say no to terrible poetry, though. maybe a stick figure portrait. you do have competition with my unwanted admirer.
it's bad behavior to lie, you know.
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you're not wrong. the variables are different.
the outcome could very well be different, too.
it's not that i don't want to try, alina. there are just certain things that i know i don't want to go through again, nor do i want to put anyone else through them.
but i'm not considering not trying here. i would have told you if i was.
i'm just enjoying existing in a bit of a bubble with you. i don't know that i'm ready for that to change.
this all started with me complaining about my mother.
we've gotten dreadfully off topic.
some other ways come to my mind as well.
a competition, you say?
i do love to win.
am i competing against our mutual enemy?
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you would have saved us a lot of trouble if you had said that five minutes ago, nikolai. it helps to know where you stand on this.
i don't mind being in a bubble with you. i'm not ready to leave it yet, either.
we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
but i'm not going to push you to be with me if you don't want to be.
i wonder what those could be. i'm sure they've very innocent, pure ways.
i had a feeling you might enjoy winning. i'm very hard to win over, though.
for you to compete against him, he would need to be actual competition.
but i guess he does count as an "unwanted admirer" now that i think about it.
does that mean you've already won?
because the only way he's ever going to make me happy is if he decides to light himself on fire and let me watch.
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i do apologize. i suppose i was still thinking on mal's handsomeness and didn't consider how i was sounding.
i can be unnecessarily melancholy at times.
anyway, i wouldn't be driving home right now if i didn't want to see you.
oh, they are. all perfectly appropriate for a nunnery.
the hard to win over wins are the best ones. they're so very satisfying.
how gruesome. i'm a fan.
i know you still have your ties to his company, but do you speak to him often?
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try not to get too distracted by your fantasies of mal while you're driving.
only the kind of nunnery with a confessional.
i can't tell if you have a fondness for competition or just difficult women.
i thought you might approve. those are my personal fantasies.
only in meetings. in my personal life - no.
it's more like he tries to talk to me and i pretend he doesn't exist.
apparently that means i "have behavioral issues" and am "too defiant".
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can it be both? i think it’s both.
[ a beat, and then — ]
people. i like difficult people.
not just women.
although the ones with behavioral issues are my favorite kinds.
i’m trying to picture someone ignoring him in person and it’s a rather comical image.
his ego is almost as big as mine.
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do you? we have that in common. i like difficult people, too. not just men.
which means you really should consider keeping me away from zoya.
she might seduce me by punching your brother in the face.
hurting his (larger than yours) ego does bring me a lot of joy sometimes. it's the least of what i'm owed, i think.
i talk to his mother, though. aleksander has all of two redeeming qualities, and she's one of them.
she's a hag.
and she likes me better than she likes him.
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please don’t run away with zoya and leave me here with mal. that would be an unconscionable blow to my (larger) ego.
oh, well, if she’s a hag then i’m sure she’s a delight. too bad about that spawn of hers.
what’s the other redeeming quality?
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i won't. mostly because i can't let mal have you, but also because you've convinced me zoya would eat me alive.
his mother really should have just gotten rid of him and adopted me instead.
it's better for own sanity if i don't tell you what the other redeeming quality is.
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she can be a bit abrasive, but once you get to know her, you’ll learn that her abrasion is simply her standard way of speaking.
i find it very soothing at this stage of our friendship.
is it that he’s wonderful in bed?
i always assumed he’d be a bit selfish there.
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so you can't sleep comfortably unless she's sending you violent threats.
that's true friendship.
funny. mal said something similar about all rich people.
i'd call him driven. incendiary? let's go with that.
i'm trying to spare you from graphic details that make you lose your breakfast.
but it's kind of sad when i think about it. all of that talent was wasted on him.
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was he talking about all rich people or was he talking specifically about me?
i’m not sure how complimentary incendiary can be.
but i'll have to agree with you there. i once admired him for his vision. i truly did want him to go on to do great things.
i suppose that’s up to you and i now.
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he was talking about both. actually, he was talking about you, but i'm trying to keep the peace.
i was also trying to have tact for once, nikolai. no one wants to hear "yeah, the sex with my ex was mind-blowing, but he sucks at everything else and i hate him."
aleksander is the type of monster that's created by other people. too bad he had a million chances to change that and ruined them all.
i guess it is up to us. no pressure, right?
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that mal has commentary on my sex life is truly something else. he sounds almost as shameless as me.
he also sounds like he has a bit of an obsession, which i can't entirely fault him for.
it is me, after all.
i think on most days i don't particularly want to hear about your past lovers, but morozova falls into a different category. you know what they say. know thy enemy, and all.
i work best under pressure, personally speaking.
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in his defense, he didn't randomly bring it up. in MY defense, i didn't randomly bring it up either.
it was part of a much larger conversation.
ps: when they said "know thy enemy", i don't think they meant learning about how he fucks. just a hunch.
i can believe that. something tells me you've been working under pressure your entire life.
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