i care about what he does to anyone. and last i checked, you're part of your family. i have every reason to care. you're already going to be a big enough target when you show up with me. you know that. i know that. i don't want anyone else getting hurt because of something i've done. it's not fair to any of you. and i don't think i could live with the guilt. but i bet you're going to be stubborn and say you can handle it, or that it isn't my fault. that last part isn't true.
i can handle it, and it isn't your fault. what he chooses to do is not your fault. he's convinced you that you're somehow responsible for keeping all your loved ones safe from him. that you have to make choices to keep him in line at the expense of yourself. he's using that as a means to control you. i don't want to be another thing you have to burden yourself with protecting.
[ because he's right — but it isn't so easy as slipping out of her leash without fear of what's to come. without guilt for the reckoning she knows it will bring. ]
you're saying all of that now, but when he threatens your family because of me, which will you choose? their safety, or staying with me? i know the answer already, and i wouldn't ask you to choose any differently.
one day you will. but i'm with you whether you do or don't.
i won't make that choice. i want it all, and i'll have it all. besides, just because i would go to war for my family doesn't mean i particularly like them. you, on the other hand, i like every day.
still. i don't have a family, so i wouldn't want to see you give yours up. are you saying you'd go to war for me? i think you're just trying to butter me up because i was starting to get a little rabid about this whole thing. i'm sorry. i like you every day, too. even when i'm feral and foaming from the mouth.
i'll tell you a secret. sometimes i dream about giving them up. don't apologize for your oddly specific passions. all i'm saying is that perhaps i was wrong for shutting you out before. i didn't want to add to what you were already bearing. i didn't want to upset you. i didn't want to make you think about him any more than you already have to. i didn't think about how sharing the burden might lighten the load. don't shut me out of this, alina. if we're going to be together, i want to be with all of you. even the parts you don't find beautiful.
well, you already have a family in zoya and i. but i hear you can't exactly give up grown adults for adoption. perhaps you were wrong? no wonder mal didn't say anything to your apology. i'll try. i still think i'm more trouble than i'm worth, for you. but if i'm going to try, then maybe you should consider giving me a choice in what i can and can't handle, too. i know your heart was in the right place, but it's really only made me feel like you rely on zoya more than you rely on me. or that you think the both of you are strong enough to handle it, but i'm not. i've been treated as something fragile all my life, nik. i hate it.
my apologies are one of a kind. weāre both trouble. but we just happen to be the kind of trouble thatās worth it, so might as well get used to the idea now. it wasnāt my intention to make you feel that way, but i did, and iām sorry. itās been zoya and i for so long that sometimes i forget it isnāt just us existing in a bubble. youāre the farthest thing from fragile. i hope you know that i admire you a great deal.
easy for you to say. you're mostly good trouble. the insane, make-you-feel-alive kind of trouble. i know you didn't. i think you and zoya both forget that. what could perfect princely nikolai lantsov have to admire? i don't think i can compete with your mirror.
two compliments today. i don't know what to do with myself. she's my mal. we met under awful circumstances and it made us something like what i imagine family should be. but you don't have mal fill a space meant for me. i won't do that to you, either. you've done remarkable things with your life, alina. i was born into privilege. our lives have been very different. i don't know what it's like to be where you've been. you've gone through so much and still you've retained your goodness. that's an extraordinarily difficult thing to do. it's something i'm not sure i've succeeded at.
i like to keep you on your toes with my compliments. will they happen? when will they happen? youāll never know.
of course i wouldnāt have mal fill your space. zoya would murder me. but i donāt think you have zoya filling a space meant for me, either. i just think the both of you donāt realize that youāre not great at letting anyone else into the world you two exist in.
remarkable like screwing it all up terribly? i barely know what i want or what iām doing anymore. donāt be jealous of that. especially when iāve seen your heart, and i know itās good and true. a little too bent on revenge, maybe. but iāve known terrible people, so you have to trust me when i say you arenāt one. youāre trying to be better than your privilege. thatās worth something.
zoya will draw the line at murder. probably. or i'll draw the line for her. you're not wrong. i think she'd rather die than show weakness. it makes her rose bushes very prickly and very uncomfortable to get past. and i'm very protective of her bad habits, so i don't make it any easier. but i'm trying. i'm trying to let you into every part of me.
you haven't screwed it up. you're still protecting so many people at a great cost to yourself. and you've built yourself a wonderful life surrounded by people who truly care for you. you're good, alina. in a way that i think i can only hope to be. sometimes it scares me how far i think i'd go for what i want. there are lines that shouldn't be crossed and yet i find myself justifying them all the same.
it isnāt only that. the two of you revolve around each other. depend on only each other, sometimes. and i canāt say you depend on each other too much without looking like a hypocrite. but itās hard to find a way in. i know youāre both trying, so i wonāt say anything else.
iām the one that got them into trouble in the first place, just by knowing me. thatās not very noble. i owe them that protection. stopping is always an option, nikolai. if you forget whatās important to you, youāre going to start crossing lines youāll wish you had never crossed at all. that changes a person, and not for the better.
i know. we do. she saw me through my lowest point and i through hers, and we reached that level of comfort and trust out of sheer necessity. i normally only put out the parts of me that i know people will like. i want you to see all of me, alina, i do, but it's been incredibly difficult for me to intentionally show you those parts that i consider undesirable. it's a habit to fall back on the person that already knows the worst of me. but i've never once regretted sharing any of me with you. you've proven over and over again that you're a safe place to land. i want to get to that point with you. i will.
aleksander is the person that got them into trouble. not you. you don't owe them anything, but you're doing what you believe is the just thing to do, and my admiration of your selflessness grows ever more. it makes me want to end this all the more. it makes those lines look even thinner and easier to cross. i don't want you to have to do this anymore. i don't want him to touch anyone else.
i know. but itās not only myself iām thinking about. itās gotten in the way of malās relationship with zoya, too. if thereās anyone that deserves to be happy after everything heās been put through, itās him. i donāt want that ruined for him, either. even if i donāt really like zoya lately.
you donāt owe me anything. i can handle it. i would rather do that than see you forget your way and end up like him.
you should have tried harder to keep them from sleeping together. now we can really blame your parties for something.
nothing is sacred to him. not morals. not people. not anything. as long as you have one line you wonāt cross, or one thing that matters more than all of this, youāre safe. just be loyal to yourself. thatās all iām asking. did you think i was actually comparing you both?
i don't believe you. mostly because zoya would destroy you in a fight, but because i think you want the same for her. to be happy. even if it's with someone you don't like that much, and even if the timing is inconvenient.
you could, but i've already tried to keep one man in line and you've seen how that turned out. it could end just as badly, or with you resenting me for it. i can get you a "what would alina starkov do" bracelet to remind you instead?
so inconvenient. if i was the paranoid sort i'd say they conspired against me specifically with this.
i could never resent you, starlight. even if you're indirectly involved with mal taking my best friend away from me. just by association. please do. i'll wear it with pride. you know what alina starkov should do? wear this lovely halo crown.
i actually orchestrated that entire plan so you'd have nothing else to do but pay attention to me. you're looking at a mastermind.
don't blame me when i'm also a victim in this. zoya took my emotional support best friend from me, too. i'll consult with alina starkov and see what she has to say about that. by the way? it's not fair to try to get me to wear a crown when i already feel guilty for making you think i was saying you're like aleksander.
i rather like you being my one and only distraction. everything else seems unimportant in comparison.
it seems those two are prematurely forcing us out of the nest. incredibly rude, if i must say so myself, though rude is hardly unexpected from zoya. i'm not as offended as i feel i should be. no need to feel guilty, then. but you can make me very happy with this crown. will you at least wear it for me around the house? remember, i'm tragically invested at this point.
you're going to regret those words when your phone and your projects start going mysteriously missing again.
mal hogs nests and blankets and beds and everything in-between, so maybe i should consider it a blessing. you shouldn't be offended, because that's not how i meant it. i'm not good at talking. at least take pity on me. š„ŗ i'll wear anything you want around the house including crowns, if that's what's going to make you happy. maybe not at any parties, though. that's more attention than i want to deal with.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
you're already going to be a big enough target when you show up with me. you know that. i know that.
i don't want anyone else getting hurt because of something i've done. it's not fair to any of you. and i don't think i could live with the guilt.
but i bet you're going to be stubborn and say you can handle it, or that it isn't my fault. that last part isn't true.
no subject
what he chooses to do is not your fault.
he's convinced you that you're somehow responsible for keeping all your loved ones safe from him. that you have to make choices to keep him in line at the expense of yourself. he's using that as a means to control you.
i don't want to be another thing you have to burden yourself with protecting.
no subject
[ because he's right — but it isn't so easy as slipping out of her leash without fear of what's to come. without guilt for the reckoning she knows it will bring. ]
you're saying all of that now, but when he threatens your family because of me, which will you choose? their safety, or staying with me?
i know the answer already, and i wouldn't ask you to choose any differently.
no subject
but i'm with you whether you do or don't.
i won't make that choice.
i want it all, and i'll have it all.
besides, just because i would go to war for my family doesn't mean i particularly like them.
you, on the other hand, i like every day.
no subject
are you saying you'd go to war for me?
i think you're just trying to butter me up because i was starting to get a little rabid about this whole thing.
i'm sorry. i like you every day, too. even when i'm feral and foaming from the mouth.
no subject
don't apologize for your oddly specific passions.
all i'm saying is that perhaps i was wrong for shutting you out before. i didn't want to add to what you were already bearing. i didn't want to upset you. i didn't want to make you think about him any more than you already have to.
i didn't think about how sharing the burden might lighten the load.
don't shut me out of this, alina. if we're going to be together, i want to be with all of you. even the parts you don't find beautiful.
no subject
perhaps you were wrong? no wonder mal didn't say anything to your apology.
i'll try. i still think i'm more trouble than i'm worth, for you.
but if i'm going to try, then maybe you should consider giving me a choice in what i can and can't handle, too.
i know your heart was in the right place, but it's really only made me feel like you rely on zoya more than you rely on me.
or that you think the both of you are strong enough to handle it, but i'm not.
i've been treated as something fragile all my life, nik. i hate it.
no subject
weāre both trouble. but we just happen to be the kind of trouble thatās worth it, so might as well get used to the idea now.
it wasnāt my intention to make you feel that way, but i did, and iām sorry.
itās been zoya and i for so long that sometimes i forget it isnāt just us existing in a bubble.
youāre the farthest thing from fragile. i hope you know that i admire you a great deal.
no subject
i know you didn't. i think you and zoya both forget that.
what could perfect princely nikolai lantsov have to admire? i don't think i can compete with your mirror.
no subject
she's my mal. we met under awful circumstances and it made us something like what i imagine family should be.
but you don't have mal fill a space meant for me. i won't do that to you, either.
you've done remarkable things with your life, alina. i was born into privilege. our lives have been very different. i don't know what it's like to be where you've been.
you've gone through so much and still you've retained your goodness. that's an extraordinarily difficult thing to do. it's something i'm not sure i've succeeded at.
no subject
will they happen? when will they happen? youāll never know.
of course i wouldnāt have mal fill your space. zoya would murder me.
but i donāt think you have zoya filling a space meant for me, either.
i just think the both of you donāt realize that youāre not great at letting anyone else into the world you two exist in.
remarkable like screwing it all up terribly? i barely know what i want or what iām doing anymore.
donāt be jealous of that. especially when iāve seen your heart, and i know itās good and true.
a little too bent on revenge, maybe. but iāve known terrible people, so you have to trust me when i say you arenāt one.
youāre trying to be better than your privilege. thatās worth something.
no subject
sets the heart racing.
zoya will draw the line at murder. probably.
or i'll draw the line for her.
you're not wrong. i think she'd rather die than show weakness. it makes her rose bushes very prickly and very uncomfortable to get past.
and i'm very protective of her bad habits, so i don't make it any easier.
but i'm trying. i'm trying to let you into every part of me.
you haven't screwed it up. you're still protecting so many people at a great cost to yourself. and you've built yourself a wonderful life surrounded by people who truly care for you.
you're good, alina. in a way that i think i can only hope to be.
sometimes it scares me how far i think i'd go for what i want. there are lines that shouldn't be crossed and yet i find myself justifying them all the same.
no subject
and i canāt say you depend on each other too much without looking like a hypocrite.
but itās hard to find a way in. i know youāre both trying, so i wonāt say anything else.
iām the one that got them into trouble in the first place, just by knowing me. thatās not very noble.
i owe them that protection.
stopping is always an option, nikolai.
if you forget whatās important to you, youāre going to start crossing lines youāll wish you had never crossed at all.
that changes a person, and not for the better.
no subject
i normally only put out the parts of me that i know people will like.
i want you to see all of me, alina, i do, but it's been incredibly difficult for me to intentionally show you those parts that i consider undesirable. it's a habit to fall back on the person that already knows the worst of me.
but i've never once regretted sharing any of me with you. you've proven over and over again that you're a safe place to land.
i want to get to that point with you. i will.
aleksander is the person that got them into trouble. not you.
you don't owe them anything, but you're doing what you believe is the just thing to do, and my admiration of your selflessness grows ever more.
it makes me want to end this all the more. it makes those lines look even thinner and easier to cross.
i don't want you to have to do this anymore. i don't want him to touch anyone else.
no subject
itās gotten in the way of malās relationship with zoya, too.
if thereās anyone that deserves to be happy after everything heās been put through, itās him.
i donāt want that ruined for him, either. even if i donāt really like zoya lately.
you donāt owe me anything. i can handle it.
i would rather do that than see you forget your way and end up like him.
no subject
i suppose he still likes her, then?
if i ever seem aleksanderish, you'll tell me, won't you?
no subject
i would.
youāre not him, nikolai.
but youāre playing a dangerous game, and i donāt want to see you start using his own tactics against him.
no subject
noted. we're in agreement there.
at that point i wonder if i will have already lost.
no subject
now we can really blame your parties for something.
nothing is sacred to him. not morals. not people. not anything.
as long as you have one line you wonāt cross, or one thing that matters more than all of this, youāre safe.
just be loyal to yourself. thatās all iām asking.
did you think i was actually comparing you both?
no subject
i don't know.
i think about certain situations and i'm just not sure what i might do.
maybe my measure should be being loyal to you instead of myself.
no subject
mostly because zoya would destroy you in a fight, but because i think you want the same for her.
to be happy. even if it's with someone you don't like that much, and even if the timing is inconvenient.
you could, but i've already tried to keep one man in line and you've seen how that turned out.
it could end just as badly, or with you resenting me for it.
i can get you a "what would alina starkov do" bracelet to remind you instead?
no subject
if i was the paranoid sort i'd say they conspired against me specifically with this.
i could never resent you, starlight. even if you're indirectly involved with mal taking my best friend away from me. just by association.
please do. i'll wear it with pride.
you know what alina starkov should do? wear this lovely halo crown.
no subject
you're looking at a mastermind.
don't blame me when i'm also a victim in this. zoya took my emotional support best friend from me, too.
i'll consult with alina starkov and see what she has to say about that.
by the way? it's not fair to try to get me to wear a crown when i already feel guilty for making you think i was saying you're like aleksander.
no subject
everything else seems unimportant in comparison.
it seems those two are prematurely forcing us out of the nest. incredibly rude, if i must say so myself, though rude is hardly unexpected from zoya.
i'm not as offended as i feel i should be. no need to feel guilty, then.
but you can make me very happy with this crown.
will you at least wear it for me around the house? remember, i'm tragically invested at this point.
no subject
mal hogs nests and blankets and beds and everything in-between, so maybe i should consider it a blessing.
you shouldn't be offended, because that's not how i meant it. i'm not good at talking. at least take pity on me. š„ŗ
i'll wear anything you want around the house including crowns, if that's what's going to make you happy.
maybe not at any parties, though. that's more attention than i want to deal with.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)