understand it? yes. endorse it? that's a lot more complicated. there has to be a better way to do what you're doing. hopefully that way has less arson.
not as much as he wants to own me. sometimes destroying yourself is worth it if it takes someone terrible out of the game. or if it keeps someone else from suffering. not that he cares about either of those things. but he knows i do. how could i when it would look so much better on you? the attention you'll get should heal your injured heart.
i will admit the arson was mostly borne of frustration. it wasn't really in the grand plan.
god, those are the worst types. the ones that think just because they saw something shine they're somehow entitled to it. i understand the sentiment but all the same i don't want you to destroy yourself. if i can find a way with less arson then you can do so as well. besides, we're doing this together. well, if we're using that logic then no one would ever get the chance to wear anything. i obviously wear everything best.
now i know it must've been terrible if you're admitting it wasn't in your plans. frustration with your family? or something else?
isn't that most men who have everything else they could ever want? when you're used to having the world, you can't stand it when you find that one thing you can't have. but it also makes you desperate enough to have a blind spot. you didn't want me involved in your games with aleksander. this is my war with him, nikolai. you can't get involved. even potato sacks?
with my father. i was trying to stop a shipment of his and couldn't. arson was the next best thing.
and you're that one thing for him. do you have a blind spot? it's true that i didn't want you involved, but now you are. didn't we say we'd stop with the secrets? i know i'm not the best person to give that particular reminder, but i'm not intentionally keeping anything from you. i don't think you'd want to hear what zoya has to say. but besides all that, are we not partners? the potato sacks are an exception due to my unfortunate burlap allergy.
oh. i'm guessing it's exactly what i think it is and not the expensive jugs of vodka he likes to drink.
mal. mal is my blind spot. i haven't done anything to help or stop whatever you and zoya are doing. i wouldn't call that involved. i'm a witness, not an accessory. pretty sure zoya is your partner in crime, anyway. so you admit there is one thing you don't wear well. i wonder if that's one of the signs of the apocalypse.
that vodka is abominable. i'd gladly set it ablaze any day. i say if you're going to be a drunkard, then at least drink something worth the drinking. i don't want my family's secrets to become mine because then they become yours. i don't want to owe you that truth.
he put the both of you through hell, didn't he? i suppose someone like him wouldn't be satisfied terrorizing just one person at a time. are you using zoya as an excuse to keep me out of this? even i have my limits. burlap is one of them.
your familyâs secrets are already mine. some of them, at least. how much worse can it possibly get?
well, as the creator of hell, thatâs his job. he was threatened by malâs place in my life. if you isolate someone, you donât have to ever worry about them choosing someone else. i donât have to use excuses. i donât want to risk you or zoya meddling. i havenât meddled in your business with her and aleksander.
yes, he's written the advanced course for predators. mal doesn't seem the type to stand by while you isolate. so you expect me to stand by and do nothing while you engage in silent warfare with aleksander morozova? i'm already angry with him on several people's behalf.
good to know. bad to know, actually, but at least i wonât be blindsided when it does get worse.
he wasnât. but itâs easy to convince someone you donât want to see them when you have access to their phone. calling it silent warfare is really optimistic. be angry with him on their behalf, then. youâve already started your own war with him. is it really fair to lecture me about keeping you out of things so youâll stay safe when youâve asked the same from me?
yes, but isn't there some prolific saying about strength and numbers? i wanted to protect you, yes. i still do. but you're already with me most of the time. i didn't want to run the risk of being found out and then something happening to zoya. i mean, she is very capable, but as a friend, it is my job to worry. all that aside, i think we're better together. maybe it isn't such a bad idea for us to share this.
thereâs also just as much mutual doom and misery in numbers. we are better together. iâm just not convinced weâre better together in this. actually, i was convinced. and then you insisted you didnât need my help. maybe iâm just feeling bitter that you only want to get involved now. you donât want to share anything with me when it involves you, but you suddenly do when it involves me.
it was my kneejerk reaction to keep you out of all of it. there's no reason for you to care about what he did to my family. but i care about you. for many reasons. and i don't want you to be alone in this.
i care about what he does to anyone. and last i checked, you're part of your family. i have every reason to care. you're already going to be a big enough target when you show up with me. you know that. i know that. i don't want anyone else getting hurt because of something i've done. it's not fair to any of you. and i don't think i could live with the guilt. but i bet you're going to be stubborn and say you can handle it, or that it isn't my fault. that last part isn't true.
i can handle it, and it isn't your fault. what he chooses to do is not your fault. he's convinced you that you're somehow responsible for keeping all your loved ones safe from him. that you have to make choices to keep him in line at the expense of yourself. he's using that as a means to control you. i don't want to be another thing you have to burden yourself with protecting.
[ because he's right — but it isn't so easy as slipping out of her leash without fear of what's to come. without guilt for the reckoning she knows it will bring. ]
you're saying all of that now, but when he threatens your family because of me, which will you choose? their safety, or staying with me? i know the answer already, and i wouldn't ask you to choose any differently.
one day you will. but i'm with you whether you do or don't.
i won't make that choice. i want it all, and i'll have it all. besides, just because i would go to war for my family doesn't mean i particularly like them. you, on the other hand, i like every day.
still. i don't have a family, so i wouldn't want to see you give yours up. are you saying you'd go to war for me? i think you're just trying to butter me up because i was starting to get a little rabid about this whole thing. i'm sorry. i like you every day, too. even when i'm feral and foaming from the mouth.
i'll tell you a secret. sometimes i dream about giving them up. don't apologize for your oddly specific passions. all i'm saying is that perhaps i was wrong for shutting you out before. i didn't want to add to what you were already bearing. i didn't want to upset you. i didn't want to make you think about him any more than you already have to. i didn't think about how sharing the burden might lighten the load. don't shut me out of this, alina. if we're going to be together, i want to be with all of you. even the parts you don't find beautiful.
well, you already have a family in zoya and i. but i hear you can't exactly give up grown adults for adoption. perhaps you were wrong? no wonder mal didn't say anything to your apology. i'll try. i still think i'm more trouble than i'm worth, for you. but if i'm going to try, then maybe you should consider giving me a choice in what i can and can't handle, too. i know your heart was in the right place, but it's really only made me feel like you rely on zoya more than you rely on me. or that you think the both of you are strong enough to handle it, but i'm not. i've been treated as something fragile all my life, nik. i hate it.
my apologies are one of a kind. weâre both trouble. but we just happen to be the kind of trouble thatâs worth it, so might as well get used to the idea now. it wasnât my intention to make you feel that way, but i did, and iâm sorry. itâs been zoya and i for so long that sometimes i forget it isnât just us existing in a bubble. youâre the farthest thing from fragile. i hope you know that i admire you a great deal.
easy for you to say. you're mostly good trouble. the insane, make-you-feel-alive kind of trouble. i know you didn't. i think you and zoya both forget that. what could perfect princely nikolai lantsov have to admire? i don't think i can compete with your mirror.
two compliments today. i don't know what to do with myself. she's my mal. we met under awful circumstances and it made us something like what i imagine family should be. but you don't have mal fill a space meant for me. i won't do that to you, either. you've done remarkable things with your life, alina. i was born into privilege. our lives have been very different. i don't know what it's like to be where you've been. you've gone through so much and still you've retained your goodness. that's an extraordinarily difficult thing to do. it's something i'm not sure i've succeeded at.
i like to keep you on your toes with my compliments. will they happen? when will they happen? youâll never know.
of course i wouldnât have mal fill your space. zoya would murder me. but i donât think you have zoya filling a space meant for me, either. i just think the both of you donât realize that youâre not great at letting anyone else into the world you two exist in.
remarkable like screwing it all up terribly? i barely know what i want or what iâm doing anymore. donât be jealous of that. especially when iâve seen your heart, and i know itâs good and true. a little too bent on revenge, maybe. but iâve known terrible people, so you have to trust me when i say you arenât one. youâre trying to be better than your privilege. thatâs worth something.
zoya will draw the line at murder. probably. or i'll draw the line for her. you're not wrong. i think she'd rather die than show weakness. it makes her rose bushes very prickly and very uncomfortable to get past. and i'm very protective of her bad habits, so i don't make it any easier. but i'm trying. i'm trying to let you into every part of me.
you haven't screwed it up. you're still protecting so many people at a great cost to yourself. and you've built yourself a wonderful life surrounded by people who truly care for you. you're good, alina. in a way that i think i can only hope to be. sometimes it scares me how far i think i'd go for what i want. there are lines that shouldn't be crossed and yet i find myself justifying them all the same.
it isnât only that. the two of you revolve around each other. depend on only each other, sometimes. and i canât say you depend on each other too much without looking like a hypocrite. but itâs hard to find a way in. i know youâre both trying, so i wonât say anything else.
iâm the one that got them into trouble in the first place, just by knowing me. thatâs not very noble. i owe them that protection. stopping is always an option, nikolai. if you forget whatâs important to you, youâre going to start crossing lines youâll wish you had never crossed at all. that changes a person, and not for the better.
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there has to be a better way to do what you're doing. hopefully that way has less arson.
not as much as he wants to own me.
sometimes destroying yourself is worth it if it takes someone terrible out of the game.
or if it keeps someone else from suffering. not that he cares about either of those things. but he knows i do.
how could i when it would look so much better on you? the attention you'll get should heal your injured heart.
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it wasn't really in the grand plan.
god, those are the worst types. the ones that think just because they saw something shine they're somehow entitled to it.
i understand the sentiment but all the same i don't want you to destroy yourself. if i can find a way with less arson then you can do so as well.
besides, we're doing this together.
well, if we're using that logic then no one would ever get the chance to wear anything. i obviously wear everything best.
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frustration with your family? or something else?
isn't that most men who have everything else they could ever want?
when you're used to having the world, you can't stand it when you find that one thing you can't have.
but it also makes you desperate enough to have a blind spot.
you didn't want me involved in your games with aleksander. this is my war with him, nikolai. you can't get involved.
even potato sacks?
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i was trying to stop a shipment of his and couldn't. arson was the next best thing.
and you're that one thing for him.
do you have a blind spot?
it's true that i didn't want you involved, but now you are. didn't we say we'd stop with the secrets? i know i'm not the best person to give that particular reminder, but i'm not intentionally keeping anything from you. i don't think you'd want to hear what zoya has to say.
but besides all that, are we not partners?
the potato sacks are an exception due to my unfortunate burlap allergy.
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i'm guessing it's exactly what i think it is and not the expensive jugs of vodka he likes to drink.
mal. mal is my blind spot.
i haven't done anything to help or stop whatever you and zoya are doing. i wouldn't call that involved.
i'm a witness, not an accessory. pretty sure zoya is your partner in crime, anyway.
so you admit there is one thing you don't wear well. i wonder if that's one of the signs of the apocalypse.
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i say if you're going to be a drunkard, then at least drink something worth the drinking.
i don't want my family's secrets to become mine because then they become yours.
i don't want to owe you that truth.
he put the both of you through hell, didn't he?
i suppose someone like him wouldn't be satisfied terrorizing just one person at a time.
are you using zoya as an excuse to keep me out of this?
even i have my limits. burlap is one of them.
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some of them, at least. how much worse can it possibly get?
well, as the creator of hell, thatâs his job.
he was threatened by malâs place in my life.
if you isolate someone, you donât have to ever worry about them choosing someone else.
i donât have to use excuses. i donât want to risk you or zoya meddling.
i havenât meddled in your business with her and aleksander.
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yes, he's written the advanced course for predators.
mal doesn't seem the type to stand by while you isolate.
so you expect me to stand by and do nothing while you engage in silent warfare with aleksander morozova?
i'm already angry with him on several people's behalf.
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bad to know, actually, but at least i wonât be blindsided when it does get worse.
he wasnât. but itâs easy to convince someone you donât want to see them when you have access to their phone.
calling it silent warfare is really optimistic.
be angry with him on their behalf, then. youâve already started your own war with him.
is it really fair to lecture me about keeping you out of things so youâll stay safe when youâve asked the same from me?
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yes, but isn't there some prolific saying about strength and numbers?
i wanted to protect you, yes. i still do. but you're already with me most of the time. i didn't want to run the risk of being found out and then something happening to zoya.
i mean, she is very capable, but as a friend, it is my job to worry.
all that aside, i think we're better together. maybe it isn't such a bad idea for us to share this.
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we are better together. iâm just not convinced weâre better together in this.
actually, i was convinced. and then you insisted you didnât need my help.
maybe iâm just feeling bitter that you only want to get involved now.
you donât want to share anything with me when it involves you, but you suddenly do when it involves me.
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but i care about you. for many reasons. and i don't want you to be alone in this.
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you're already going to be a big enough target when you show up with me. you know that. i know that.
i don't want anyone else getting hurt because of something i've done. it's not fair to any of you. and i don't think i could live with the guilt.
but i bet you're going to be stubborn and say you can handle it, or that it isn't my fault. that last part isn't true.
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what he chooses to do is not your fault.
he's convinced you that you're somehow responsible for keeping all your loved ones safe from him. that you have to make choices to keep him in line at the expense of yourself. he's using that as a means to control you.
i don't want to be another thing you have to burden yourself with protecting.
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[ because he's right — but it isn't so easy as slipping out of her leash without fear of what's to come. without guilt for the reckoning she knows it will bring. ]
you're saying all of that now, but when he threatens your family because of me, which will you choose? their safety, or staying with me?
i know the answer already, and i wouldn't ask you to choose any differently.
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but i'm with you whether you do or don't.
i won't make that choice.
i want it all, and i'll have it all.
besides, just because i would go to war for my family doesn't mean i particularly like them.
you, on the other hand, i like every day.
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are you saying you'd go to war for me?
i think you're just trying to butter me up because i was starting to get a little rabid about this whole thing.
i'm sorry. i like you every day, too. even when i'm feral and foaming from the mouth.
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don't apologize for your oddly specific passions.
all i'm saying is that perhaps i was wrong for shutting you out before. i didn't want to add to what you were already bearing. i didn't want to upset you. i didn't want to make you think about him any more than you already have to.
i didn't think about how sharing the burden might lighten the load.
don't shut me out of this, alina. if we're going to be together, i want to be with all of you. even the parts you don't find beautiful.
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perhaps you were wrong? no wonder mal didn't say anything to your apology.
i'll try. i still think i'm more trouble than i'm worth, for you.
but if i'm going to try, then maybe you should consider giving me a choice in what i can and can't handle, too.
i know your heart was in the right place, but it's really only made me feel like you rely on zoya more than you rely on me.
or that you think the both of you are strong enough to handle it, but i'm not.
i've been treated as something fragile all my life, nik. i hate it.
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weâre both trouble. but we just happen to be the kind of trouble thatâs worth it, so might as well get used to the idea now.
it wasnât my intention to make you feel that way, but i did, and iâm sorry.
itâs been zoya and i for so long that sometimes i forget it isnât just us existing in a bubble.
youâre the farthest thing from fragile. i hope you know that i admire you a great deal.
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i know you didn't. i think you and zoya both forget that.
what could perfect princely nikolai lantsov have to admire? i don't think i can compete with your mirror.
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she's my mal. we met under awful circumstances and it made us something like what i imagine family should be.
but you don't have mal fill a space meant for me. i won't do that to you, either.
you've done remarkable things with your life, alina. i was born into privilege. our lives have been very different. i don't know what it's like to be where you've been.
you've gone through so much and still you've retained your goodness. that's an extraordinarily difficult thing to do. it's something i'm not sure i've succeeded at.
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will they happen? when will they happen? youâll never know.
of course i wouldnât have mal fill your space. zoya would murder me.
but i donât think you have zoya filling a space meant for me, either.
i just think the both of you donât realize that youâre not great at letting anyone else into the world you two exist in.
remarkable like screwing it all up terribly? i barely know what i want or what iâm doing anymore.
donât be jealous of that. especially when iâve seen your heart, and i know itâs good and true.
a little too bent on revenge, maybe. but iâve known terrible people, so you have to trust me when i say you arenât one.
youâre trying to be better than your privilege. thatâs worth something.
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sets the heart racing.
zoya will draw the line at murder. probably.
or i'll draw the line for her.
you're not wrong. i think she'd rather die than show weakness. it makes her rose bushes very prickly and very uncomfortable to get past.
and i'm very protective of her bad habits, so i don't make it any easier.
but i'm trying. i'm trying to let you into every part of me.
you haven't screwed it up. you're still protecting so many people at a great cost to yourself. and you've built yourself a wonderful life surrounded by people who truly care for you.
you're good, alina. in a way that i think i can only hope to be.
sometimes it scares me how far i think i'd go for what i want. there are lines that shouldn't be crossed and yet i find myself justifying them all the same.
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and i canât say you depend on each other too much without looking like a hypocrite.
but itâs hard to find a way in. i know youâre both trying, so i wonât say anything else.
iâm the one that got them into trouble in the first place, just by knowing me. thatâs not very noble.
i owe them that protection.
stopping is always an option, nikolai.
if you forget whatâs important to you, youâre going to start crossing lines youâll wish you had never crossed at all.
that changes a person, and not for the better.
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